If That Ain't Country

Au Revoir Country Girl

2009-12-31T08:15:00.000-05:00

"What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly." ~ R. Bach

My Darling Readers:

It is with bittersweet sadness that I inform you that today's post will be the final post for If That Ain't Country.

Three and a half years ago I arrived in North Carolina toting a psychotic cat, an assload of luggage and all of the neuroses and quirks that you would expect from a Jewish girl raised on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. I didn't know a Bojangles biscuit from Mr. Bojangles and OMFG haven't you people ever heard of iced coffee?

Life was one giant fish out of water experience for me and I began this blog as a way to communicate those experiences to family and friends en masse. Ooh look - Country Girl is driving a pick up truck. Ooh look - Country Girl is at a biker bar. Ooh look - Country Girl just downloaded Toby Keith onto her iPod (shut up). Ooh look - Country Girl is watching NASCAR (while wearing Dolce & Gabanna heels thank you very much). I was way. Out. Of. My. Element.

But after three and a half years, none of this comes as a big surprise any more. I am no longer a fish out of water and frighteningly, I actually fit in just fine when Lilsaej and I ventured to Bristol over the summer. What does come as a surprise is that my wee little blog has readers who aren't related to me by blood. Seriously y'all? That shit tickles me to no end.

My life has changed dramatically over the last three and a half years and as my friend His Girl Friday pointed out: my life these days? Well - it just ain't that country and frankly, I just don't feel like Country Girl any more. A chapter in the story of my life has come to a close, and so I am bringing this blog to a close as well.

But before you start tearing your hair out and wailing and begin a campaign on Facebook to revive my wee little blog, know that I am not disappearing entirely. Another blog is in the works and I hope that with the help of my amazingly awseometastic and incomparable blogging consigliere, one Miss Beth Fish, I will be live on Monday, Jan 4th. New year. New decade. New blog. Same twisted, neurotic rantings from your favorite sassypants blogger.

Look for me to announce my new blog on Twitter as soon as I go live. If you don't do Twitter, leave your email in the comments section of this post or send me an email at itacillkissyour@yahoo.com and I will send you the new site details as soon as I am up and running.

So thanks to all of you who have been loyal fans and readers and supporters over the last 3 years. It means so much to me that anyone out there would actually take me and my writing seriously. And I hope you stick around for the next chapter. Because my life is just now starting to get interesting.

MWAH SUGARS!

xoxo Country Girl

Low and Slow

2009-12-29T07:00:00.005-05:00

I've never been big on crockpots. I don't know why but sticking meat, veggies and seasoning in a pot and leaving it alone for 8 hours has never been my thing. I like to make souffles. I like to make lasagna. I bake my cookies from scratch (although I do use pre made pie crust because really - what's the point?). I like things that are difficult and complex and challenging...I like things that are, well, kinda like me. And so I'm just not a crockpot kinds of girl.

But if there's one person who can make crockpots (and one day probably Jazzys) sexy, it's my dear friend Modern Matriarch. Seriously - she's got TWO of them and they are frequently featured in her Tweets and her blog and she's always got some amazing sounding recipes or glorious food porn shots or both and well how much of that can one girl take before she finally caves?

It's not like I woke up one day and rushed to the store and said: I'm gonna buy me a crockpot. It was more like I found myself in Wal-Mart (2 days before Christmas) shopping for a Dirty Santa present and I was over in the kitchen section and what to my wondering eyes should appear but a 5-quart portable crockpot for $17. $17 people. I spend more than that on wine. So I was all - what the hell I'll get it and I did and then I immediately Tweeted to Modern Matriarch that I had ~~aged 10 years~~ purchased a crockpot and could she send recipes STAT.

My crockpot lost its virginity on Christmas Eve. I had purchased a whole chicken with the intention of roasting it but instead I threw it in the crockpot with some onion, lemon, carrots, chives, seasoning and a bottle of Stella Artois and voila - Crockpot Beer Chicken.

One slight problem. Ok - two.

The first was that Modern Matriarch had originally told me it would be done in 4 hours so I didn't get it started til mid-afternoon. 3:30 to be exact. But then she said something about 8 hours and I was all like WTF? I'll be having tuna fish and pretzels for Christmas Eve dinner because I can't wait til 11:30pm to eat. And she said No just set it for 8 hours but stop it after 4. And I'm all - why wouldn't I just cook it for 4 hours. And oh yeah by the way: Who's on first?

So as it turns out there's the universe of $17 crockpots (which have 3 options: Keep Warm, Low and High) and then there are the non-$17 crockpots which actually have time settings like 4, 6 and 8. Once this confusion was settled, I felt relieved that I wouldn't be eating canned fish for dinner. But then the second problem set in. Well - the second and a half.

You see - I'm an Instant Gratification kind of girl. I'm also an I Like To Be Involved kind of girl. The notion of just leaving the chicken and the beer to it's own devices for 4 hours was basically anathema to me and I pretty much checked the crockpot every 15 minutes. I don't know why. I don't know what I thought I would accomplish but I just could not. Let. It. Go.

The chicken ultimately came out the delicious as did the OMG so decadent creamed spinach I made to go with it (which involved a microwave, a saute pan, a Cuisinart and an oven - my kind of side dish).

I began Round 2 of my crockpot adventures on Christmas morning when I made a batch of Modern Matriarch's It's-All-Fun-And-Games-Til-You-Lose-An-Eye Chili for an impromptu gathering Chez Rougie on Saturday.

I have never made chili before but it seemed like an easy enough way to start. And I was home all day which meant ~~I could stare at the crockpot all day and will it to cook faster~~ at the assigned times I could stir or add seasoning or stir or add roux. Eight and half hours I let that chili cook. And at the end of that interminable time period, I looked at the picture of the chili in Andrea Anna's recipe and I looked at my crockpot and...WTF? My chili looked like soupy Alpo...not like chili.

I panicked. Mildly. Because OMG - aren't crockpots idiot proof and what kind of girl can whip up a cheese and broccoli souffle with one hand tied behind her back (oh yes I totally can) but can't fucking cook meat in a pot?

Thank God for Twitter (and iPhones) because suggestions on how to remedy my chili came flying at me. Nice to know you people didn't sacrifice technology for Christmas.

Very long blog post short...the chili thickened overnight but thinned out again once I heated it up the next day - despite the addition of some extra roux. I was pretty much ready to dump the chili, stick my head in the crockpot, set it on low and wait for a slow and agonizing death when my first guest arrived.

"Smells great," the Angel said.

"Yeah," I said dejectedly. "Smells great but take a look."

The Angel went into the kitchen and lifted the lid and gave the chili a twirl with the spoon laying on the counter. "What's wrong with it?" she asked entirely too chirpily for my darkening mood (because Oh Yeah - the pie I had made for dessert has not worked out either and while I was sure it wasn't a total loss it was not what I was shooting for. Sigh.).

"Look at it," I moaned. "Just look at how thin it is. It's like water. Isn't chili supposed to be thicker? Heartier?"

The Angel looked at me like I was ~~high~~ an idiot: "No. This is what chili is supposed to look like."

Despite her reassurances I didn't actually believe her (Because you know - I'm such the chili expert.) and so I made her cover the pot and continue its quest to thicken while I plied her with some of Lilsaej's holiday cheeseball.

It took 2 more guests arriving and 2 more reassurances that my chili was *normal* (as much as anything is ever normal in my life) before I would let someone sample it.

The conclusion: BEST CHILI EVER. WOO-HOO.

And no don't ask me how I made it because despite following Modern Matriarch's recipe I made some changes and some adjustments and OMG the seasoning. Who knows how much of what I used to season it. But it was DELICIOUS. And so was the pie. In fact by the end of the day both the crockpot and the pie plate were totally empty (10 hours and no leftovers? WTF?) and my guests were happily stuffed.

As for me, I've got issues. Clearly. Also? I love my crockpot. Really.

Did Charles Bronson Ever Wear Heels?

2009-12-28T07:00:00.007-05:00

There are certain, fundamental things every woman should know how to do. A woman should know how to change a tire. Or at least have AAA. A woman should have 1 recipe that she can cook in case people come over for dinner. A woman should know how to fake it. She should also know what needs to be done so that she doesn't have to fake it. And a woman should be able to defend herself.

Maybe she learns how to step on a man's insole and kick him in the short and curlies. Maybe she learns how to aim that pepper spray. Perhaps she buys a taser and learns how many volts of electricity it takes to render an assailant unconscious - or at least immobile. Or in my case, she learns how to shoot a gun.

Up until last week, I have had what I consider to be a healthy fear of firearms. I have been around them before. I have held them. I have even on 2 separate occasions actually fired one. But I didn't really understand how they work and I was the type of girl who thought that a revolver in the bedside table might spontaneously go off. For the record, I also think that most appliances and electrically-powered items can spontaneously combust. Clearly I have issues.

Anyways, I decided it was high time to get over my fear and so last week I set up a private lesson at a shooting range to learn how to fire a gun.

Here was the first issue: I arrived at the shooting range from lunch at Capital Grille in the Big City. I was attired in a a Lily Pulitzer shift, Kate Spade Mary Janes with 3-inch heels, and toting a "Merry Christmas to Me" kick ass gold bag from Coach. Most of the folks at the range were in jeans, camouflage or flannel. I stuck out like a sore Princess.

Sartorial misconceptions aside, I explained to my instructor Paul that I was dead serious about learning how guns work and how to fire one and once we got down to brass tacks the fact that I was in a dress in heels was promptly forgotten.

We started out in the classroom. Paul brought in a .22 revolver and a .22 semi-automatic and first he explained the difference in the two to me: you have to pull back on the hammer to chamber each round of ammo in a revolver whereas in a semi-automatic the bullets automatically load after each shot. He felt like we ought to focus on just the revolver for Lesson #1 and so we put the semi aside. I learned what the different parts of the gun were called, how to hold it when loading ammo, how to load ammo, how to pull the trigger, how to hold the gun when shooting, and how to line up my front and rear sights. After about 15 minutes in the classroom, we headed out to range to actually shoot.

I don't want to say that I was a natural...but OMG...I'm kind of a natural. The first 2 shots I missed the target completely but after that, I rarely missed and in fact, I made some pretty damn good shots. Paul was impressed with my accuracy and my groupings.

We went through 2 boxes of ammo - which for the record - is hard. I mean holding your arms out continuously for the better part of 30 minutes is tough and I swear if I didn't do so much upper body strength training with my trainer, I'd have not been able to make it through the second box.

At one point, I was kicking so much ass with the revolver that Paul brought back out the automatic, gave me a crash course in how to load it, and I moved up in the world of firearms.

Truth be told: I ABSOLUTELY LOVED IT!

Seriously. While I went for the sheer purposes of education, I actually enjoyed the experience. So much so, that I am going back today for another lesson (where I hope Paul will kick it up a notch or 7 from the .22 - Lilsaej swears I need to fire a .45) and I am contemplating joining the range and working shooting into my already overcrammed life (although now that I am not training for a half marathon any more I do have some extra time on my hands).

I'll close by saying this: Charles Bronson ain't got nothing on me because he didn't ever have to do this shit in heels.

PS I met The Kaiser and Sumo out for a few pints afterwards. Since there was no one to photograph the epicness of my outfit at the shooting range, The Kaiser made me pose for a photo at the bar to give y'all some idea of just how fucking awesome the whole thing was:

(And I'm grinning so stupidly because I felt like a complete and utter asshat posing like one of Charlie's Angels in the middle of a low key Irish pub not to mention the Kaiser ~~had to adjust the aperture and lens and speed settings on his effing Blackberry~~ took for fucking ever to take the damn picture.)

My Week In Tweets: December 20 - December 26

2009-12-27T10:00:00.000-05:00

Reading local paper. Thought I saw an ad "To Live Naughty." Looked closer - it actually says "Live Nativity." WHOOPS.
8:28 AM Dec 20th from web

If this doesn't make you grin, you have a cold heart & no soul (thanks to @MarshallKarp for making me grin!)
10:06 AM Dec 20th from web

So far the biggest section (by far) in my 100 Things: "I'm Not Weird. I'm Just a Little Eccentric."
10:40 AM Dec 20th from web

At some point this weekend I am going to have to get out of my pajamas. I'm not looking forward to it.
12:20 PM Dec 20th from web

I'm at 89. This shit is way harder than I ever imagined. Especially given that I pretty much spill my soul to complete strangers.
12:50 PM Dec 20th from web

Off to @felinefrenzy's Christmas tea and cookie swap. Just realized it's the first time I've left my house in over 48 hours. #imarecluse
1:49 PM Dec 20th from web

Romantic comedies make me stabby because let's face it: that shit doesn't happen in the real world.
6:38 PM Dec 20th from web

The day a man sends me 100 roses b/c he thought of me 100 times the night before, is the day I sprout wings & fly. Or drop dead from shock.
6:39 PM Dec 20th from web

Also: no one looks like Patrick Dempsey in real life. Except Patrick Dempsey.
6:40 PM Dec 20th from web

I'd kill for Chinese food. Sadly - I am not driving on iced over roads and no one in this town delivers. FML.
7:17 PM Dec 20th from web

Dear Universe: Just 1 Sunday night that didn't suck complete and utter ass would be lovely. Thanks. xoxo rougie
7:49 PM Dec 20th from web

Dear Sunday: Thanks for sucker-punching me in the kidneys. AND my lower back. I love you too. xoxo rougie
9:00 PM Dec 20th from web

Dear Sunday: The gloves are off. It's about to get ugly. Really fucking ugly. xoxo rougie
9:06 PM Dec 20th from web

Dear Monday: Please try not to suck so bad because I don't think I can handle 2 really crappy days in a row. xoxo Rougie
9:22 AM Dec 21st from web

Dear Monday: please start cooperating before I have to kick your ass. Xoxo rougie
11:11 AM Dec 21st from UberTwitter

Dear Monday: Thanks for lunch at Capital Grille. That sirloin rocked. It was much needed and much appreciated. Xoxo Rougie
2:35 PM Dec 21st from UberTwitter

Off to the shooting range shortly so I can learn how guns work & how to fire one. Am over-the-moon w/excitement. Like a kid on Xmas morning.
2:37 PM Dec 21st from UberTwitter

Thinking my Lily Pulitzer shift dress and Kate Spade Mary Janes might be a *bit much* for the shooting range.
4:11 PM Dec 21st from UberTwitter

I don't think Charles Bronson ever wore Kate Spade. Or Lily for that matter. Or a dress. Or heels.
4:21 PM Dec 21st from UberTwitter

At the range. I am obscenely excited. Might be an overabundance of testosterone.
4:29 PM Dec 21st from UberTwitter

This is so. Fucking. Cool.
4:40 PM Dec 21st from UberTwitter

Had way too much fun at the shooting range. OMG y'all - I'm on a high right now. Is that wrong?
6:27 PM Dec 21st from UberTwitter

Anyone have a picture of Winston Wolfe's tattoo in Pulp Fiction? Trying to talk The Kaiser into getting inked - this is what he wants.
7:56 PM Dec 21st from UberTwitter

Dear Wednesday: One semi-decent day this week is all I ask. Pretty please? With sugar on top? xoxo rougie
7:45 AM Dec 22nd from web

I am heading to the post office early because I refuse to stand in line behind 18 gajillion people. It's busier there than tax time.
7:59 AM Dec 22nd from web

So I won't spend 10 minutes in line waiting behind someone but I'll get to the post off 10 minutes early and stand around. #irony
8:28 AM Dec 22nd from UberTwitter

Also? There's already someone in front of me. #seriousirony
8:28 AM Dec 22nd from UberTwitter

What? It's only Tuesday. FML.
8:59 AM Dec 22nd from web

Just stepped in a pile of fresh cat puke. Welcome home and oh yeah eff you too Tuesday. xoxo rougie
8:34 PM Dec 22nd from web

I suppose it could have been worse. He could have puked in my bed and not on the wood floor. Still - i was wearing my $9 socks...
8:39 PM Dec 22nd from web

Has anybody had a blog post just DYING to come out but then it doesn't fucking co-operate???
8:55 PM Dec 22nd from web

Move over Charles Bronson - I do this shit in heels and pearls.
9:06 PM Dec 22nd from TwitPic

Thomas Crown Affair is one sexy effing flik. HOLY HELL.
9:26 PM Dec 22nd from web

Dear Wednesday: I'd officially like to marry you and have your babies. MWAH! Xoxo rougie
8:31 AM Dec 23rd from UberTwitter

Dear Wednesday: Stop it already. You're giving me chills. Xoxo Rougie
9:37 AM Dec 23rd from UberTwitter

Raise your hand if you're also sick of Russian Roulette by Rhianna. Cuz I. So. Am.
9:41 AM Dec 23rd from UberTwitter

Would you people leave me and my banana (tree) alone. Thanks a million. xoxo Rougie
2:13 PM Dec 23rd from web

Hey you. Yeah - you: moron driving the Dodge. Rougie's #1 driving tip is LOOK BEFORE YOU PULL OUT you giant asshat. Thanks.
4:06 PM Dec 23rd from UberTwitter

Dear Wednesday You've been awesome. Please don't fuck it up & stab me in the back. I don't like being stabbed or being stabby. xo rougie
6:34 PM Dec 23rd from web

Snow+Open toed heels = totally dumbass move.
7:28 PM Dec 23rd from UberTwitter

Sitting at a sports bar watching Sonny With a Chance on Disney. WTF??
8:35 PM Dec 23rd from UberTwitter

And Funky Cold Medina is playing on the radio. I don't even know what to say.....
8:37 PM Dec 23rd from UberTwitter

So @lilsaej has discovered how to totally mask the taste and smell of Everclear. Get this girl a Nobel Prize STAT!!!
9:37 PM Dec 23rd from UberTwitter

Airing of grievances. #festivus #catharsis
10:21 PM Dec 23rd from UberTwitter

I downloaded UberTwitter for @GrissWarhound. As soon as gets over his Twitterphobia, be afraid. Be very, very afraid.
11:06 PM Dec 23rd from UberTwitter

Ok. I'm getting out of my PJs and putting on *real clothes* But I'm not putting on a bra dammit.
1:12 PM Dec 24th from web

Holy Hell! The entirety of my wee little town is at the grocery store. FML and don't you people plan better???
1:50 PM Dec 24th from UberTwitter

And for the record, I'm here because I'm having an impromptu party on Saturday. It's not like I don't already have my turkey and shit....
1:51 PM Dec 24th from UberTwitter

Holy Hell. I might. Just. Lose. MY EVER LOVING SHIT.
2:12 PM Dec 24th from UberTwitter

Saw signs for party trays from Ann's House of Nuts. More like Rougie's Padded Room of Totally Insane. #FML
2:19 PM Dec 24th from UberTwitter

Trip to the grocery store the day before Christmas has sucked every last ounce of holiday spirit from my body.
2:29 PM Dec 24th from UberTwitter

I'm about to pop my crockpot's cherry with @ModernMatriarch's beer chicken.
3:05 PM Dec 24th from web

As an instant gratification girl, discovering that maybe a crockpot/slow cooker wasn't such a wise idea #atleast2morehourstogo
5:30 PM Dec 24th from web

I'm the only person I know who can't appreciate a slow cooker for what it is. I mean I shouldn't be checking it every 15 minutes should I?
7:08 PM Dec 24th from web

Can I RT myself from November? B/c Holy Hell homemade caramel: Bitch Homemade pudding: Bitch Homemade caramel pudding: bitchbitchbitchbitch
10:04 PM Dec 24th from web

And once again the 1st batch of caramel is a fail. Dear Thanksgiving: I don't need a rerun. xoxo rougie
10:10 PM Dec 24th from web

So what happens to caramel cream pie if you can't get the !*#?!*# sugar to ?*#$?! Caramelize????
10:39 PM Dec 24th from UberTwitter

All right. I've got some kind of cream pie. Santa? Now it's up to you. Merry Christmas...
10:55 PM Dec 24th from web

Something just fell off the roof. Either the snow is still melting or Santa's in traction.
4:29 AM Dec 25th from UberTwitter

My crockpot enjoyed her maiden voyage so much we're already on round 2 w/ @ModernMatriarch's It's-All-Fun-&-Games-Til-You-Lose-An-Eye Chili
7:53 AM Dec 25th from web

Just discovered SBUX Via. Life changing. And yet - at this price per cup, at what point does it just make sense to buy a damn coffee pot?
8:09 AM Dec 25th from web

My basement is flooded. Merry effing Christmas.
11:18 AM Dec 25th from web

Watching inches of stagnant, dirty water pump out of my basement while my cat HOWLS at the top of his lungs for my attention. Seriously?
11:37 AM Dec 25th from web

On the plus side, my house smells heavenly thanks to @ModernMatriarch's chili simmering in my crockpot.
11:41 AM Dec 25th from web

Well - I suppose if I was going to drop and break a bottle of something, at least peppermint extract is holiday appropriate.
1:26 PM Dec 25th from web

In other news, my sinuses are totally clear.
1:26 PM Dec 25th from web

Let's just add a 3rd degree burn on my finger to the list of things I've gotten today. Merry effing Christmas to me.
1:53 PM Dec 25th from web

Dear Insomnia: you're like the gift that keeps on giving. Thanks a million. Xoxo Rougie
5:14 AM Dec 26th from UberTwitter

The nice thing about heading off to the spa is that you really don't have to pull your shit together.
8:12 AM Dec 26th from web

Dear Self Righteous Day After Christmas Exercisers: Bite me. Xoxo Rougie
11:58 AM Dec 26th from UberTwitter

41 days until #twitHER. FTW!
2:13 PM Dec 26th from web

Anyone have any suggestions for a homegrown version of kitty lithium b/c OMFG my cat is in-fucking-sane.
3:55 PM Dec 26th from web

@lilsaej: "But you've got to take care of me." Sumo: "That's a cry for help." Me: Sigh. (Reaches for my beer....)
7:29 PM Dec 26th from UberTwitter

@Lilsaej: "Because it's us. Because I know people and you're hot." OMG I want to marry this girl. (Or just drink a crapload of beer w/ her)
8:21 PM Dec 26th from UberTwitter

OMFG - had no idea red spandex jumpsuits were *still* in style.
9:58 PM Dec 26th from UberTwitter

I want longer pants.
10:40 PM Dec 26th from UberTwitter

Yeah...as always...it was quite a week, wasn't it kids?

How a Jew Celebrates Christmas

2009-12-24T10:10:00.001-05:00

It's hard to be a Jew on Christmas
My friends won't let me join in any games..
And I can't sing Christmas songs
Or decorate a Christmas tree..
Or leave water out for Rudolph
'cause there's something wrong with me..
My people don't believe in Jesus Christ's divinity..
I'm a Jew, a lonely Jew.. on Christmas.

I'd like to begin by thanking Trey Parker and Matt Stone for their genius. Seriously - that song from South Park is one of the funniest things ever and in many ways sums up my situation.

Except that I am a Jew who does celebrate Christmas.

We'll start with my childhood when my 100% Jewish family celebrated Christmas. I don't know how or why this tradition started. We've been able to trace it back to my mom who also celebrated Christmas when she was a child (with her 100% Jewish family). When I asked her why, she gave me this insight-filled answer: I have no idea.

Anywho, when I was a kid Christmas was a BIG DEAL that involved a tree and ornaments and a wreath and jingle bells on the door and Christmas cookies (Snickerdoodles, spice cookies and meringues - oh and also these apricot jam things that were a bitch to make because you'd have to refrigerate the dough overnight) and rolls of wrapping paper and ribbon and Christmas music (hello John Denver and the Muppets! Nice to see you too Nat King Cole) and that most traditional of all Christmas Eve dinners - Tacos! and Christmas morning agita while all the adults stumbled out of bed and fumbled for their coffee while I practically peed myself to open gifts and stockings and Teuscher champagne truffles which we ALWAYS got in our stocking for Christmas and that most traditional of all Christmas morning breakfasts - Bagels and lox and herring and sable and whitefish! and a long afternoon spent exploring and playing with all of my haul and then a big Christmas dinner with turkey and stuffing and sweet potatoes and cranberries and green beans and then the inevitable let down and disappointment when I'd wake up the next morning and realize it was all over until next year. That was Christmas for most of my childhood. As you can see, we celebrated the secular version of Christmas.

Then one day my brother and I outgrew Christmas and the other relatives weren't as into it and so we bailed. And while my heart was momentarily ripped out of my chest, my parents decided that a Caribbean vacation was the perfect replacement for trees and tacos and smoked fish. Somehow 2 weeks in St. Bart's every year lessened the blow that we had temporarily stopped celebrating Christmas.

And then one day I outgrew my parents sending me on a 2 week Caribbean vacation (FML) and I went back to celebrating Christmas. Sort of. You see - I always had a legitimate reason to celebrate i.e. there was someone non-Jewish in my life who celebrated the holiday and therefore I was given a free pass.

Well - this year that wasn't the case and I struggled with what to do. Could I justify Christmas as a Jew? And the answer I ultimately came up with was: Yes. When stores start rolling out Christmas with their Back To School Displays in September and Halloween and Thanksgiving basically get steam-rolled in the holiday department and radio stations play holiday music 24-7 for like, an entire month and essentially the entire concept of Christmas is rammed down your throat like a 16-ton submarine: well then yeah, I'm in too - my religion notwithstanding.

And so it was that I braved Wal-Mart one Saturday and bought my very own 7.5 foot pre-lit Donner fir and that I put it up the Saturday after Thanksgiving and that I hung 500 lights in my house and that I hung some mistletoe and baked almost 20 dozen Christmas cookies and that I've been listening to holiday music (ok - so Run DMC should clearly sing more Christmas carols because It's Christmas Time in Hollis Queens is probably like the best. Song. Evah. Yo.) and that I'm celebrating the secular Christmas of my childhood this year. It's just how I roll yo.

So Merry Christmas to you and yours. Happy Holidays. Seasons Greetings. Whatever floats your boat. Just enjoy the magical spirit this time of year brings - there's no avoiding it no matter what or who you believe in.

PS For the record - I totally also celebrate Hanukkah and light the candles and say the prayers and make latkes although I don't do dreidels. The thing most people don't realize is that Hanukkah is a pretty insignificant holiday in the Jewish religion - but given that it falls within relatively close proximity to Christmas and it involves gift giving it's been pumped full of religious steroids in some weird twisted attempt to compete with Christmas which is ridiculous because if Halloween can't even compete with Christmas, there's no way Hanukkah is even gonna come close.

Today is The Happiest Day of My Life

2009-12-22T06:30:00.001-05:00

Today is the happiest day of my life. Ok - that might be a bit of an exaggeration. But it is the happiest day of the year. Why? Because today the days officially start getting longer.

Suck it Daylight Savings Time.

My Week In Tweets: December 13 - December 19

2009-12-20T08:00:00.000-05:00

Spoke to another runner while getting coffee in the lobby. Suddenly thoughts of the Outer Banks Half Marathon are swirling in my head.
7:23 AM Dec 13th from web

Except OMFG I just said I would never run another half marathon again. Or at least not within the next 3 months.
7:24 AM Dec 13th from web

Seriously - would someone come here and beat me repeatedly on the head with a croquet mallet?
7:25 AM Dec 13th from web

So my masseuse also ran the half marathon yesterday. Poor girl - who's going to give her a massage?
9:18 AM Dec 13th from UberTwitter

Is there a cat in my life that ISN'T flipping HOOOOWWWWLING for me right now?? Um....NO.
4:26 PM Dec 13th from web

Off to brave Wal-Mart on a Sunday. Part of me would rather run another half marathon. I think it'd be easier.
5:15 PM Dec 13th from UberTwitter

Reason 1 to have skipped WMT: dumb broad yakking on cell, blocking traffic while waiting for someone to pull out. God forbid she walks 6 ft
5:27 PM Dec 13th from UberTwitter

Reason 2: jar of broken pickles in my parking spot. If I get a flat I'm hunting that bitch down.
5:28 PM Dec 13th from UberTwitter

Reason 3: used handiwipe in my cart.
5:28 PM Dec 13th from UberTwitter

Spotting the bumper sticker "coon hunters do it all night long" has eased some of the sting however.
5:29 PM Dec 13th from UberTwitter

Suck it 10-digit dialing. You make no fucking sense.
10:27 AM Dec 14th from web

Holiday cards completed: 0 Holiday cards to go: 167 Let the carpal tunnel begin!! WHOOT!
11:23 AM Dec 14th from web

Holiday cards completed: Still 0. But the "To Go" number is down to 159. Also? I have a killer spreadsheet to make labels. #OCD
12:21 PM Dec 14th from web

It's Christmas time in Hollis, Queens YO!
1:19 PM Dec 14th from web

Just discovered the envelopes for our holiday cards are SELF ADHESIVE!! Christmas miracles DO exist. Thank you sweetbabyjeebus!!!
2:02 PM Dec 14th from web

Holiday Cards Completed: 30 Holiday Cards To Go: 129 My Sanity Level: waning steadily
3:13 PM Dec 14th from web

Metallic ink pens: oooohh so pretty. But what an effing mess.
4:32 PM Dec 14th from web

'Tis the season to be charitable. Just made 2 donations and feeling GOOD.
8:00 PM Dec 14th from web

Holiday Cards Completed: Not even 60. #giantmothereffingfail
8:51 PM Dec 14th from web

Run-DMC ought to sing more Christmas carols YO!
8:13 AM Dec 15th from web

I just realized "latkes" rhyme with "vodka." Happy Hanukkah!
8:47 AM Dec 15th from web

99 Luftbalons. 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall. 99 holiday card envelopes labeled (2x) and stamped. 99 holiday cards to go...
9:33 AM Dec 15th from web

Meanwhile I've received half a dozen e-cards...am thinking this is a concept to explore next year....
9:33 AM Dec 15th from web

Holiday cards completed: 95 Holiday cards remaining: 64 Likelihood I'll resume my life by lunchtime: better than average
10:44 AM Dec 15th from web

Lady Gaga on iPod means I might tell someone I want their leather studded kiss in the sand instead of wishing them Happy Holidays.
11:51 AM Dec 15th from web

Holiday cards remaining: 0 Holiday cards completed: 159 Drinks in my future: Directly proportional to the # of cards completed
12:11 PM Dec 15th from web

Reminiscing about Prom. My prom sucked balls. Although I looked like a Robert Palmer girl. A fat Robert Palmer girl.
5:39 PM Dec 15th from UberTwitter

What kind of asshat has their rear windshield wiper on when it's not even raining? Seriously.
7:38 AM Dec 16th from UberTwitter

People driving Nissans are pissing me off this morning.
7:47 AM Dec 16th from UberTwitter

Dear Canadian friends: is it worth me hauling my cookies to south Charlotte to eat at Extreme Pita? Xo rougie
10:43 AM Dec 16th from UberTwitter

12:30 doctor's appointment is really fucking up my eating schedule today.
10:43 AM Dec 16th from UberTwitter

Holy Hell the mall is crowded. Don't you people have jobs? Or if you're unemployed, shouldn't you not be shopping??
1:47 PM Dec 16th from UberTwitter

Dear Chik-Fil-A: don't ever change. Xoxo Rougie
1:51 PM Dec 16th from UberTwitter

It seems appropriate somehow that the 2 stores I need are on polar opposite ends of the mall. Also? I suddenly want a cookie cake.
1:56 PM Dec 16th from UberTwitter

Gift Cards, Promotions and Discounts Oh My!
3:10 PM Dec 16th from UberTwitter

Happy day when I unpack 4 bottles of Gun Bun into the cellar. And 2 bottles of 2005 Syrah? SA-WEEEEEEEEET!
9:22 PM Dec 16th from web

I just discovered that a corckscrew is an excellent tool for cleaning a menorah. How appropriate.
6:57 AM Dec 17th from UberTwitter

Longest. Conference Call. EVER.
10:26 AM Dec 17th from web

Trainer put me through Boot Camp today. Because - you know - I didn't run a Half Marathon within the last week or anything.
11:50 AM Dec 17th from UberTwitter

Dear Cat: Why is it that every time I sit down to eat, you decide THAT'S the perfect time to jump in my lap? xoxo Rougie
1:25 PM Dec 17th from web

My plan to make Dulche de Leche Crispies is not looking good since I can't find effing Dulche de Leche in my wee little town.
1:26 PM Dec 17th from web

If you were going to add something to a traditional Rice Krispie Treat to make it more festive and/or over the top YUMS what would you add?
3:24 PM Dec 17th from web

Dear Weather Peeps: If you fuck up my party tomorrow w/ your planned "wintery mix" I'm gonna be pissed. So please don't. Thanks. xoxo Rougie
3:52 PM Dec 17th from web

I've gone through 2.5 pounds of butter tonight. Anyone want a Lipitor chaser with their Christmas cookies???
9:36 PM Dec 17th from web

How does one follow 20 dozen cookies? Why with 4 pounds of maple-soy snack mix. OF COURSE. (And another glass of wine...)
10:54 PM Dec 17th from web

My cat is looking at me like I am insane. I am inclined to agree.
11:04 PM Dec 17th from web

PS Do I tackle the 2 pounds of homemade pimento cheese tonight WITH wine or wait til the morning?
11:04 PM Dec 17th from web

I'd like to kick the shit out of my trainer right now but OMFG I can't move. OOOOWWWWWWWW.
6:39 AM Dec 18th from web

This wintery mix can SUCK IT.
8:15 AM Dec 18th from web

It's wrong to fry latkes in bacon grease - right?
8:39 AM Dec 18th from web

In general - is it wrong to have so much pork at a Hanukkah party? #bacon #salami
8:45 AM Dec 18th from TwitPic

SCORE! @allbacon is my 200th follower. My life is complete!
9:13 AM Dec 18th from web

While the rest of town stocks up on milk, eggs and bread, I'm at the liquor store. #priorities
10:16 AM Dec 18th from UberTwitter

Trying not to be judgy but somehow the combo of walker, checkbook, cheap wrapping paper & the case of Marlboro REDS is leaving me no choice.
10:29 AM Dec 18th from UberTwitter

Also - if this old dude cuts in front of me I'm gonna have to take him down.
10:30 AM Dec 18th from UberTwitter

No comment on the request for the *giant* bottle of laxative from the walker/checkbook/cigarette lady. None whatsoever.
10:33 AM Dec 18th from UberTwitter

Shopping for a white elephant gift is proving to be a challenge. Whose bright idea was this anyways???
10:47 AM Dec 18th from UberTwitter

And why can't you find a naked lady lamp when you really need one?
10:49 AM Dec 18th from UberTwitter

So 2009 Holiday Barbie totally looks like a drag queen. #justsayin
10:54 AM Dec 18th from UberTwitter

Adult Rice Krispie treats: add 1/2 cup Bailey's to the marshmallow & 1/2 cup chopped toffee w/ the cereal. OMFG INSANELY DELICIOUS!!!
11:37 AM Dec 18th from web

Dear Mother Nature: Kiss my ass and Oh Yeah - FUCK YOU TOO. xoxo Rougie
5:42 PM Dec 18th from web

4 intrepid guests and 5 more en route...#thispartyisgonnahappenifiteffingkillsme
7:40 PM Dec 18th from web

So apparently *only* 9 people can create quite a mess. And someone drank all the Coke Zero (but left me Captain so...um...yeah...ok).
8:32 AM Dec 19th from web

I now have a flask. It says: "Thank God I'm Fabulous." Fuck yeah. Bring it BITCHES. #twitHer
8:47 AM Dec 19th from web

Nothing like a sink full of dirty dishes to make a girl want to crawl back into bed.
9:37 AM Dec 19th from web

So far today: flasks, drunk bitches, vodka. The 1 Saturday morning my dad is on Twitter. Sigh. It's all puppy dogs & fairies going forward.
10:07 AM Dec 19th from web

Bare midriffs. Knee socks. Contrived story lines. Hair gel. 40yos playing college students. Oh 90210 - I heart you so.
11:25 AM Dec 19th from UberTwitter

Watching The Holiday. Premise for this movie is so unbelieveable that even my suspension of disbelief is challenged.
3:24 PM Dec 19th from web

Just updated my Daily Dose of Blog. Lots of love to my #twitHER girls! MWAH Sugars!!!
4:59 PM Dec 19th from web

Wow. Working on my 100 Things (to cement my "Real Blogger" status). This shit is hard.
5:43 PM Dec 19th from web

"Coach Carr - step away from the underage girls." #meangirls
6:28 PM Dec 19th from web

Working on my 100 Things. Anything you really want to know?
7:28 PM Dec 19th from web

All I can say is that after reading through these, I'm glad this week is over. My Lord!!!

Nine

2009-12-19T09:30:00.000-05:00

I picked the date specifically. A Friday. The last night of Hanukkah.

I planned well in advance. I sent the original email some time in early November. Because the holidays can be busy.

The RSVPs came in. Somewhere in the neighborhood of 30. In my wee little house. People were either going to be lying in my bed or standing in the basement.

And then Mother Nature decided to fuck me.

Snow. Sleet. Wintery Mix. All effing day without letting up.

Slowly the calls and the texts and the emails came.

"I can't make it."

"Sorry - snowed in."

"My driveway is iced over."

Fuck.

Don't get me wrong. I get it. I didn't want my friends and loved ones out on the road in treacherous conditions. And even if they knew what they were doing, there was a good chance that 99% of the other fucksticks on the road didn't.

Still.

I had planned.

I had prepped.

I had stayed up til 1am baking 20 dozen Christmas cookies.

I had bought a pretty dress.

Fuck you Mother Nature. Fuck You.

In the end - 9 Exceptionally Intrepid Souls braved the elements to help me celebrate:

The Angel: we call her that because OMG she's like my own personal angel here on Earth
The Paper Guy: who drove in from High Point - granted - he started at 1 but still!
Lilsaej: where would I be without T1? Or is it T2?
Bobo: who drove T1 so Thank You!
The Kaiser: who got in a wreck en route and STILL showed!
Sumo: Natch - cuz nothing scares those West Lincoln boys.
Sumo's Brother: More hearty West Lincoln stock.
The Banker: who drove in from CHARLOTTE!!!
The Realtor: who rode with the Banker!

And so 10 of us celebrated. 10 of us ate enough food for 30. We possibly also drank enough for 30 - I wasn't exactly counting because it was my house and I didn't have to go anywhere.

And at the end of the day - it was fun. Because that's how we roll Chez Rougie. And even though Mother Nature decided to kick me in the ass, I kicked her right back. Suck it Mother Nature. Suck it.

PS I love my friends. Fiercely.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK

2009-12-18T07:00:00.002-05:00

I get it. Not every one has a smart phone. Or sometimes you are driving/walking/talking/chewing gum/styling your hair/tweezing your eyebrows/giving birth while texting and you want to take a short cut:

u for you

r for are

2 for two or to or too (hello homophones!)

I get it. Been there. Done that. Well - the whole tweezing while texting thing because I don't have kids and I certainly don't drive and text (*ahem*).

Anyways - I'm all for digital shorthand. But you know what pisses me off more than anything?

K.

K is not fucking acceptable. K is lazy, uncouth, and to quote The Kaiser, it's weeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaak.

What is it about O that is so difficult to type? Why can't you take the 2 extra seconds to type one extra letter? Are you afraid of O? Do you have Oprah issues? Overstock issues? Orgasm issues? Did I really just have to go there (sorry mom and dad)?

I'll suffer through the "Imas" and the "Prollys" and the "4s" and whatever other digital shorthand you want to serve up my way.

But please - don't ever tell me "K" because it pisses me off.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK?

Kiawah: In Pictures

2009-12-16T07:00:00.002-05:00

The night before my departure, The Kaiser and Sumo took me out for a civilized, celebratory drink.

This was the view of the sunset from my balcony when I checked into the hotel.

This was sunrise the next morning. They look kind of similar.

What idiot gets a pedicure BEFORE she runs a half marathon? Anyways - my virginal, "we've never run more than 10 mile" feet the night before they popped their cherry.

Papardelle Bolognese is one way to carbo load. So is Chianti.

I hate all of the Race morning photos. Given my scarf/sweater situation I look like I have no neck. Also? No hair on my face is not a good look. Sigh. Anyways - me and mom. Neither of us like this photo but I feel compelled to post.

Everything I just wrote above except substitute Dad for Mom. And add "double chin" to the whole "no neck" thing. Ugh.

Coming down the home stretch.

I. Love. This. Photo. It sums up the entire race in 1, determined, Kiss My Ass Kiawah shot.

The Race clock a few seconds before I cross the line. Three to be exact. Not that I was counting.

WINNER! And yes - that's totally an empty beer cup in my hand.

Leave me alone Dad. I have to Tweet/update my Facebook status/text 50 of my nearest and dearest friends.

Dad at the post-Race celebratory dinner. He probably hates this picture too but hey - we'll just call this the Album of Unflattering Photos That Must Be Published Because This Was An Epic Moment For Me and That Means Photos!

Dad and I split a MASSIVE bone-in ribeye. They call it a Tomahawk chop. It was a helluva way to celebrate.

Stormy seas the morning we left.

And that darling readers, concludes this epic journey. Thanks for cheering me on all the way. I couldn't have done it without you!

Kiawah: Go!!!

2009-12-15T07:00:00.000-05:00

I don't hear the horn sound - probably because I am so far back - but suddenly a mass of close to 3000 bodies is moving and we are off. It's slow at first - something of a trot - and the first few minutes are awkward as everyone tries to navigate around one another and find their rhythm, find their stride.

I don't know why, but as soon as I leave the Conference Center and start to really run the first mile, I find myself overwhelmed with emotion and I begin to cry. Mom had warned me of this possibility at dinner the night before, but I don't think I truly heard her. My eyes well up, my breathing gets shallow and suddenly everything I've worked so hard for for the last 5 months is right in front of me. In fact, it's more than that. My decision to run to this Race, my commitment to training, doing it alone - it symbolizes So. Much. More. I have 2 hours and 13.1 miles to contemplate and reflect. I take a deep breath, and focus.

The first few miles feel easy. Usually they are the hardest but not today. I worry that all the Shake-A-Tailfeather-Really-Get-My-Ass-Moving songs on my iPod come on too early. These are the songs I need to hear at Mile 8 when I lose my steam, or Mile 12 when I need that final burst. I hope there's a few still left for when the time comes.

At one point I think I have to pee. This despite a prophy pee in my room, another prophy pee in the lobby of the hotel and still another prophy pee at the port-o-potties before the Race. And while there are port-o-potties throughout the course, I'll be damned if I stop.

Around Mile 3 I lose the gloves (prematurely as it turns out). My body is warming up and my hands feel tingly as the blood flows to them. I ball up the gloves and toss them into someone's yard on top of a sweatshirt that's also been shed.

Although the weather is shitty, there are spectators out and about cheering us on. Somewhere between Mile 3 and Mile 4 we turn and there's a reggae band playing. AWESOME.

I feel good about my pace. The crowd has thinned from that first awkward mile and I've got a good rhythm going. I'm not really passing anyone - not trying to - and I don't mind when people pass me.

We hit the turn around just after Mile 6. Not quite halfway and I feel GREAT. It has yet to rain, and I am in the zone. Usually during long runs every mile is an obstacle to get to the finish. Not today. Each mile I complete is an accomplishment. And while I always do the mental math in terms of "how many more to go" today it doesn't overwhelm me. Today I don't say: "Damn girl - why didn't you just do the 10K." Today I say: "Baby girl: You're running a half-marathon and you're going to do awesome. I am So. Proud. Of. You."

Me. This Race, this day - it means so much. This is about a long, hard year that has seen me face some incredible challenges and deal with some monumental pain. It's been a year of loss and change and fear...but it's also been a year of growth, and strength and yes...change. Sometimes, change is good.

I can't help but think about the comments and encouragement I've received in the days leading up to today. So many friends and relatives have wished me well in so many ways. I've received numerous emails and texts, Tweets and comments on Facebook, calls and in person congratulations. Two stand out the most and I play them through my head.

Two days before the Race, The Artist wrote the following in a message to me:

Stop for a moment to reflect on how far you've come since setting your goal! Wow! In my book, you've already won your race. Saturday is just your celebratory run, so enjoy!

I remember reading it the first time and my eyes welling up with tears. She is so right. I've already accomplished so much. Today is about having fun.

And then this morning I got a final message from The Kaiser:

"Life is either a great adventure or nothing at all." I wish you the best of luck in meeting your goal. You've worked hard and kept focused on your goal - now go kick its ass. You know you can - remember that you're the only one you have to impress. Go impress yourself. Be a badass. TODAY IS YOUR DAY.

That hit home. For someone who needs to perpetually be validated by others, I paused and thought that he was actually right: this was really ALL ABOUT ME. And as many congratulations as I hoped to receive when I crossed the finish line, the only pat on the back that mattered was the one I was going to give myself.

Somewhere after the halfway point, the pain sets in. There's that familiar dull ache in my left knee and a tightness running up from my right ankle through my inner right calf. Run. Through. The. Pain. I can. I will. I must.

It helps to have people cheering us on. Also? They have posted inspirational quotes throughout the course. These motivate me as well:

"The difference between the impossible and the possible lies in a man's determination." - Tommy LaSorda

"Set your goals high, and don't stop till you get there." - Bo Jackson

"Champions keep playing until they get it right." - Billie Jean King

For the next few miles, I continue as is. The only benchmark I have in terms of other runners is M. She was standing next to me when we started and she's been near me for most of the race. She occasionally stops to walk and then I pass her. But then she resumes running and usually passes me. I wonder if there's something to the theory of actually resting at the water stations to gain more energy on the back end. I figure I'll give it a try. Also? I am determined to beat her. (Hey - what can I say - I am ultra competitive!)

My hands are numb. Literally. I can barely feel my fingers. I regret tossing my "throwaway" gloves so early. Lesson learned if I ever race again.

When I hit Mile 10, it feels awesome. This is the longest and farthest I have ever run. I check my time: even at this pace, I can bring it in under 2 hours if I stay focused. The next aid station comes up quickly and I slow to a walk, grab a cup of Gatorade, drink it in full (as opposed to tossing it in my face and hoping some of it makes it in my mouth), and then resume running.

Suddenly we turn left onto the bike path. OMG. I know where I am. This is part of the run I did over the summer when I was at Kiawah. I. Can. Do. This.

I pick up my pace. Significantly.

The path is narrow and there are signs that stay "Stay Right Unless Passing." Just like driving. I am on the Left. Passing. Alot. At times I have to veer off the concrete to get around people. My strides feel long and strong. Suddenly I am grateful for all the time and effort I have put into training. For every session with my trainer. For every Saturday at the gym. For the squats I do 3 - 4 times a week. For the 2-minute planks I endure at the end of every session. I. Can. Do. This.

At Mile 12, I can almost taste success. I can run 1.1 miles in my sleep. And although my body is tired and aching, I feel a surge of energy. And then the tailfeather-shakingest song on my iPod comes on (For Your Entertainment by Adam Lambert) and I get another burst of speed.

And then I get a cramp. An "OMG-I-Want-To-Die-Right-Now-Because-I-Can't-Fucking-Breathe" Cramp. FUCK.

I slow down my pace and begin to exhale rapidly. I know that cramps are nothing more than a build up of carbon dioxide. If can exhale enough, it should release the pressure. I check my watch and gauge my ability to make my Mountaintop goal. It's gonna be close.

Adam Lambert ends and Hotstepper comes on. Another Move-Your-Ass-Girlfriend song. The cramp subsides and I push forward. I have less than a mile to go. This is the point where I know I can push myself. Where I can call on every ounce of reserved strength and then some. This is where it all pays off. Every single thing I have done over the last 5 months - this is what it comes down to. As we round the corner to turn back into the Conference Center, I back-up to For Your Entertainment again. This song will carry me across the finish line.

I start to sprint as much as my body will allow me. My feet pound the pavement. My lungs heave as I literally huff and puff. I am overwhelmed as I see the actual finish line. I am about to accomplish a HUGE MASSIVE goal that I set for myself on something of a whim. I scan the crowds briefly for mom and dad and don't see them but I am not really looking. I am looking at the finish line. I am looking in my own beat-up, banged up body for the last burst of energy to make it across the finish line in under 2 hours. And even though the clock at the top says 2:00:43 I know I had about a minute lag time from when the race clock started and when I actually crossed the starting line. Fuck the official results - I am going off of my Garmin.

I power forward with the last remaining bit of strength I have and cross the finish line. 1:59:48. According to my Garmin, I've run 13.27 miles in 1:59:48.

I've done it. I've achieved my Mountaintop goal. I didn't think I would. I really didn't. And here I am. It's so overwhelming I can't even process it. I want to cry. I want to hug someone. I want to climb into the whirlpool. I want to throw myself on the massage table. Instead, I catch my breath. I let a volunteer wrap me in silver Mylar. I accept a plastic "You Finished" medal from another volunteer. And then I go off in search of the beer truck.

Kiawah: On Your Mark...Get Set...

2009-12-14T07:00:00.002-05:00

I wake on Race Day at 4:45am. While that seems early, it's actually about 7.5 hours of sleep and I feel oddly rested. The first thing I do is check the weather. So much for rainy and warm or cold and dry: according to weather.com it's going to be cold (feel like the 30s) and there's an 85 - 100% chance of rain during the Race. FML.

I don't want to pull myself out of my bed. The dreamy mattress, the luxurious Italian linens, the feather comforter and pillows are all singing me a lullaby. So are my flannel PJs and the thermostat on 68. 30 and rainy versus this?

But I do get out of bed (eventually). Despite a heavenly massage the day before (Seriously - 90 minutes of big, strong, soft man hands rubbing citrus oil into my aching, over-tired, under-stretched, sleep-deprived, anxiety-riddled, burning-the-candle-at-both-ends muscles left me a changed woman and contemplating a marriage proposal to the incomparable Andrew) I still stretch, I check a few well wishes from friends, and get my head where it needs to be:

Kiawah: I am getting ready to kick your ass. Weather be damned.

I recall the wet, cold, HILLY run I just completed in the Mountains. I. Can. Do. This.

I have a mild wardrobe dilemma while getting dressed. One shirt or two? Shorts or leggings? Will I be cold? Hot? Which is better? The short sleeve wicking shirt I have is too short and makes it near impossible for me to pin my bib on. I think about wearing shorts under yoga pants and giving the yoga pants to mom last minute but it's going to feel like less than 40 degrees THE ENTIRE TIME. I know I'll warm up but I'd rather be hot then cold (I think). I go for a long sleeve wicking shirt and shiny, black tights - no layers. I also grab the $2 gloves I purchased the day before in a pre-Half Marathon shopping spree. At $2, they are disposable.

I get dressed. I look like a serious runner.

Despite eating my weight in papardelle the night before, my stomach is grumbling. Though I usually don't eat before I race - I eat a chocolate peppermint stick Luna bar: 180 calories and 28 grams of carbs. This can only help keep me fueled for what will be close to 2 hours of running.

I check the weather again: it's still cold but the threat of rain has dropped from 85 - 100% to 45 - 55%. Maybe the weather peeps heard my Tweet?

I meet Mom and Dad at 7:15am and we head towards the Conference Center which is where the Race starts. All I know is that it is 1) kind of a giant free-for-all and 2) once the gun goes off, that's when chips are activated. So that means if you are towards the back, your chip time will not be the same time you actually cross the start line and will add to the time of your overall official results. I want to be towards the front.

I am relieved to discover that it isn't raining when we step outside. Cold as a witch's tit, but dry. I am also glad to have someone with me. Seriously - I can't tell you how many races I've been to where I've had to worry about threading my car key on my shoe and I've had to stand around shivering waiting for the Race to begin because there's been no one to hand my sweatshirt to. Well, with mom and dad by my side, I can wear a few extra layers and just hand them off last minute.

My adrenaline kicks in and I begin to get excited.

Dad asks me what my goal is. I tell him that you always have two: your Happiness Goal and your Mountaintop Goal. My Happiness Goal is simply to finish the Race. My Mountaintop Goal is to finish it in less than 2 hours. I'm not sure that's realistic but I'll give it my best.

As it turns out - it's not a total free for all. They group us according to mile time: 6, 7, 8, 9 and everyone else. At this distance, I am more of a 9-minute miler, but I line up in the front of the 8s. I start talking to some of the runners around me and mom and dad flash a few more pictures. Then I strip off my extra layers, hand them to mom and dad, and get ready to run.

My Week In Tweets: December 6 - December 12

2009-12-13T07:30:00.001-05:00

No. That's not my ankle hurting after a night of dancing. Because that would be ironic/wrong/a kick in the effing balls #halfmarathonin6days
10:24 AM Dec 6th from web

Managed to get my work done and have decided to bake. Because nothing says I am a functioning, productive member of society like cookies.
1:31 PM Dec 6th from web

And brownies.
1:39 PM Dec 6th from web

Just checked my air filter and added bleach to the pump on my furnace. I don't know quite what it all means but Holy Hell I feel productive!
1:49 PM Dec 6th from web

Take that Mrs. Fields!
2:29 PM Dec 6th from TwitPic

My house should *always* smell this good. Sigh.
2:59 PM Dec 6th from web

Apparently I'm channeling Betty Crocker today.
3:21 PM Dec 6th from TwitPic

Alright honey - your knowledge of football is impressive. Just not *that* impressive. #giveitup
7:06 PM Dec 6th from UberTwitter

Sumo: cornbread are square. Pi(e) be round.
8:37 PM Dec 6th from UberTwitter

Sumo: A parade that doesn't have lawn mowers or horses isn't worth shit. #suckitmacys
9:17 PM Dec 6th from UberTwitter

Don't "Hi Baby" me you fur-lined-leather-jacket wearing freak.
10:29 PM Dec 6th from UberTwitter

And I think I'm ready for Chicago in February? #holyhellitseffingcold
10:39 PM Dec 6th from UberTwitter

Wondering if the fact that might my toilet *nearly* overflowed and what - me w/out a plunger - is some sort of sign. Really Universe? #FML
8:08 AM Dec 7th from web

I'm too tired to be tested today so thanks for giving me a break.
8:09 AM Dec 7th from web

Dear Magazine Subscription Peeps: Please don't call me at 8:20am on a Monday morning when I am already late and scrambling to get ready. Thx
8:27 AM Dec 7th from web

Who knew that December 7th was National Asshat Driver Day? I didn't.
11:09 AM Dec 7th from UberTwitter

In some states it's also called Can't Drive Worth a Fuckstick Driver Day.
11:11 AM Dec 7th from UberTwitter

Favorite wine of the wine tasting? Nasty Racy. Go figure.
7:15 PM Dec 7th from UberTwitter

Breaking a wine glass sober just feels like the wrong way to start my day.
7:35 AM Dec 8th from web

Shopping with the Compliance Queen. J Crew outlet. Discount shoes. My heart is racing......
11:50 AM Dec 8th from UberTwitter

Meeting @moriartytth for an early afternoon civiled cocktail. It's a good day.
4:31 PM Dec 8th from UberTwitter

You know what else made it a good day? A Sloppy Jai and Masala Fries at Chai Pati in Asheville. That shit was awesome!
4:32 PM Dec 8th from UberTwitter

Can I legitimately justify carbo-loading 5 days before my race?
6:58 PM Dec 8th from UberTwitter

So clearly my delicate gastrointestinal system did something to piss off the Indian food I had for lunch b/c OMG Does. Not. Agree. With. Me.
7:37 PM Dec 8th from web

#twitHER is taking on a life of its own. Welcome @saraashmansmith @sarahlena @aisforaardvark & @pseudostoops to the bar. I mean - the fray.
7:43 PM Dec 8th from web

Just found out that our mid-quarter email update was sent to 800+ people this morning with a typo. FML. Actually - DOUBLE FML.
9:19 AM Dec 9th from web

Can I go back to bed now please???
9:19 AM Dec 9th from web

How the Hell am I almost out of toilet paper? #shoppingfail
10:06 AM Dec 9th from UberTwitter

$9.69 for toilet paper. Damn my ass is high maintenance.
11:08 AM Dec 9th from UberTwitter

Just brought brownies to my neighbors. #ilovesmalltownlife
12:12 PM Dec 9th from web

Forced to watch Judge Pirro while waiting for my car to be serviced. OMFG where do they find *these* people?
2:06 PM Dec 9th from UberTwitter

Over 20 RSVPs to my holiday fete. Awesome b/c OMG - friends! WHEE! But Holy Hell - wee little house. Where will they all go?
2:11 PM Dec 9th from UberTwitter

Who the Hell goes hotrodding in a Lincoln?
2:30 PM Dec 9th from UberTwitter

So relieved Judge Pirro and her merry band of sadsack fuck-ups are off. But The Doctors? Seriously? #sofuckingtortured
3:02 PM Dec 9th from UberTwitter

I just love getting holiday cards and seeing photos of all my friends' insanely adorable and gorgeous kids!
4:24 PM Dec 9th from UberTwitter

Sumo and The Kaiser have me out for a *civilized* farewell cocktail. Oh boys....
4:47 PM Dec 9th from UberTwitter

New dress ordered specifically for holiday party doesn't zip. #fml
8:22 PM Dec 9th from web

Maybe I shouldn't have ordered fries tonight....
8:23 PM Dec 9th from web

Dear Mom & Dad: I know how tired I look. I know b/c I feel this tired too. Please don't feel compelled to point it out. C u soon. xo Rougie
6:42 AM Dec 10th from web

Race anxiety + MASSIVE PMS = Rougie is a slight emotional basketcase.
11:34 AM Dec 10th from UberTwitter

All I've consumed today is 48oz of Coke Zero. This can't be helping my anxiety.
12:18 PM Dec 10th from UberTwitter

Meanwhile, my reward for PMS from Hell is 3 days in heaven...I mean - The Sanctuary. OMG LUXURY SWALLOW ME WHOLE.
5:39 PM Dec 10th from web

Oooohhh! A mini-bar! I didn't know they still existed!
6:04 PM Dec 10th from UberTwitter

Also - I didn't know that you could legally charge $3.75 for a 1.69-oz bag of M&Ms.
6:06 PM Dec 10th from UberTwitter

There's a phone in the water closet, a seat in the shower and a view of the ocean from the tub. #diedandgonetoheaven
6:29 PM Dec 10th from UberTwitter

Carbo loading officially began at breakfast. I'll play this card All. Day. Long.
9:51 AM Dec 11th from web

Half Marathon retail ROCKS!!!
10:41 AM Dec 11th from UberTwitter

Carbo-loading is awesome. Just ate my weight in papardelle. #runrougierun
8:48 PM Dec 11th from UberTwitter

Homemade chocolate chip cookies on my pillow. God I love this place.
9:11 PM Dec 11th from UberTwitter

(In my best Chandler Bing voice): Could this weather BE any suckier? Cold AND raining? Eff you too weather peeps.
5:44 AM Dec 12th from UberTwitter

That said, I am getting ready to KICK KIAWAH'S ASS. Eat my dust. #runrougierun
5:45 AM Dec 12th from UberTwitter

Thanks to all for the Hanukah and Half-Marathon well-wishes. I love y'all too. Xoxo
5:46 AM Dec 12th from UberTwitter

For those who care - @MarshallKarp will be Tweeting my progress with the hashtag #runrougierun
7:27 AM Dec 12th from UberTwitter

Dear Weather Peeps: Thanks for holding off on the rain (so far). I love you too! Xoxo Rougie #runrougierun
7:28 AM Dec 12th from UberTwitter

Since I couldn't race and Tweet, Dad graciously stepped in to pick up the slack:

@rougeneck almost ready for the big kiawah half marathon. Hair & makeup people just doing last minute touchups. #runrougierun
7:29 AM Dec 12th from Tweetie

@rougeneck checking out the other runners. She's the only one wearing Manolo Blahniks. Booyah!!! #runrougierun
7:35 AM Dec 12th from Tweetie

@rougeneck on the start line w/the 8 min milers. I'm on the start line for old guys w/one knee and a walker. #runrougierun
7:41 AM Dec 12th from Tweetie

@rougeneck has been training for 5 months. So how come when the starter's gun went off she screamed WTF was that? #runrougierun
8:00 AM Dec 12th from Tweetie

@rougeneck probably at mile 3 by now. Mom and Dad definitely in hotel dining room scarfing down breakfast. #runrougierun #eatdaddyeat
8:29 AM Dec 12th from Tweetie

Trouble for @rougeneck at Mile 6 -- Tiger Woods jumped out of the bushes and hit on her. #runrougierun
8:57 AM Dec 12th from web

@rougeneck set two goals for herself for this race: finish in under 2 hours and become a trending topic on Twitter #runrougierun
9:00 AM Dec 12th from web

@rougeneck update: Winners about to cross the finish line. Here they come. One man, one woman. Never mind--it's the Salahis. #runrougierun
9:03 AM Dec 12th from web

@rougeneck looking good at Mile 7. Only thing that can slow her down is her knee or if she spots a shoe sale along the way. #runrougierun
9:10 AM Dec 12th from web

@rougeneck looking strong. @marshallkarp hit the wall after that lame shoe sale joke. #runrougierun
9:22 AM Dec 12th from web

@rougeneck just stopped at the water table, ordered a Gatorade Cosmo. #runrougierun
9:23 AM Dec 12th from web

@rougeneck made quick stop to upload new recipe to her blog. back in the race. #runrougierun
9:27 AM Dec 12th from web

@rougeneck in homestretch now. Probably dreaming of that first cold beer. And fame. Oodle and oodles of fame. #runrougierun
9:47 AM Dec 12th from Tweetie

@rougeneck crossed finish line and then -- no joke -- disappeared into the crowd. #runrougierun
10:17 AM Dec 12th from Tweetie

1:59:48 KISS MY ASS KIAWAH #runrougierun
10:17 AM Dec 12th from UberTwitter

Breathless

2009-12-10T17:14:00.005-05:00

I. Can. Not. Breathe.

The pressure in my chest is so great it feels like my heart is being crushed under the weight of a 2-ton steel block.

There's a sharp, stinging pain - like someone is digging a knife into me over and over and over again.

I. Can. Not. Breathe.

I am afraid to open my mouth. To speak. To breathe. Because if I open my mouth the floodgates in my eyes will open too. But it's no use. Despite keeping my jaw clenched firmly, the tears pour over the edge of my eyes and silently stream down my face.

There's no point in fighting it so I don't. I yield to my emotions, to my hormones and suddenly the silent tears are accompanied by giant, racking sobs which threaten to choke me.

I. Can. Not. Breathe.

I did not know it was possible to cry so hard, for so long, but I am relieved to be allowed to privately steep in my own emotional soup. No one telling me to calm down. No one telling me to pull it together. Then again, there's no one there to hold me either.

Sleep is fitful - at best. Even clutching my childhood teddy bear or feeling the warm, purring body of my cat pressed up against my leg doesn't soothe me, doesn't slay the demons. Writing doesn't release the pain and anxiety coursing through my veins.

I. Can. Not. Breathe.

The night feels interminable. But it ends. Somehow it ends and I wake from an unpleasant dream and look in the mirror. Even my $75 concealer is not going to help.

Daylight. Sun. Low-Country bound. I should be excited and overjoyed. I should be smiling. Instead, the tears slip silently down my cheek as I navigate the Interstate.

I. Can. Not. Breathe.

Fuck you PMS. Fuck you.

The Winner Is...(And Yet Another Contest...)

2009-12-09T07:00:00.002-05:00

Meet the Judge: Sebastian. My ~~psychotic~~ sheds-like-theres-no-tomorrow-and-looks-gorgeous-and-sweet-but-really-is-a-holy-terror-and-possibly-more-neurotic-then-his-mom cat. He ~~drew blood~~ made sure I didn't cheat.

View the hat:

I had this custom made at a local county fair when I was visiting dad a few years ago. Please ignore the GIANT stain on the brim (#lipglossfail or something)

See how many peeps entered? I LOVE YOU DARLING READERS. MWAH SUGARS!!!!

(PS Looking at the photo after the fact it's not that many but OMG for my wee little blog...I'm more than thrilled!)

And see who won??

And OMG it was so NOT rigged. Sebastian made sure of that. But so glad my ~~hasn't blogged in fucking ages~~ girl Harmzie won.

If you're lucky sugar, there will be cookies in with that book.

***********************************

In totally unrelated news...who the fuck is the girl in the plaid dress and the plaid bow in the early Charlie Brown cartoons?

I couldn't find a picture of just her because she's pretty fucking ancillary and-slash-or insignificant. But you can see her head and her bow poking out between Lucy and Linus and you can see the plaid hem of her dress. If she had boobs, Schroder's nose would be buried in her right one.

I call her Butterscotch girl. I don't know why. And by now you should know never to question me.

Anyways, whoever is the first to correctly identify her (WITH PROOF) will win a Charlie Brown DVD gift pack with It's the Great Pumpkin and A Charlie Brown Christmas because OMFG I'M GENEROUS LIKE THAT PEOPLES.

And please don't tell me that's Peppermint Patty because we all know that Peppermint Patty was a lesbian who wore a striped green bowling shirt and called Charlie Brown Chuck. She did not wear pretty plaid dresses with matching bows So. Don't. Even. Try. It.

UPDATE: Thank you Kyooty! Butterscotch Girl has a real name: Patty. Just not Peppermint. I can now go on living. (PS Dear Charles Schulz: I know you're dead and all but for the record, I think it's very confusing that you named 2 characters in your comic strip the same thing. Then again, that's kind of how it is in real life - right? I mean I have 2 close friends who share my name - so on second thought, congrats on being a forward-thinking, intellectual badass. Or something.)

The Breakfast Club

2009-12-07T07:25:00.000-05:00

I was a blogging fail this weekend and did not do my usual "write 18 posts for the week and get it out the of the way" thing. Silly me - I was too busy having fun. Sorry kids.

But since I hate to leave you empty handed - especially on a Monday - here are pictures from Pixie's mphphpth Birthday on Saturday night. We spent most of the night dancing our asses off at The Breakfast Club, an 80s theme club in The Big City. And if you can't tell - I take my 80s nights VERY seriously.

PS My ankle and knee were so not hurting the next day. Uh-uh. Because that would just be redonkulous given that I am running a half-marathon in SIX EFFING DAYS. OMFG y'all.

So for the record - we saw Santa at the upstairs bar and I was all: OMG - let's get our picture taken with Santa. And so I approached him and sweetly asked if he would mind posing for a photo and he's all: Not now - I have to go breakdance. Seriously y'all - WTF Santa?

So he went down to the dance floor and shook his moneymaker for a few minutes and I tried to take his picture but my ~~camera was being a beyotch~~ flash didn't work because of all the 80s fabulous disco lights. But eventually Lilsaej and I found him in the stairwell and we ~~practically tackled him~~ asked him AGAIN if he would mind posing for a photo with 2 GORGEOUS GIRLS and he was all begrudging about the whole thing like he had SOMETHING BETTER TO DO and you can tell from the look on his face that someone totally pissed in his Cheerios that morning. Seriously - I've never seen someone more sour looking. You know what else? He was totally holding a beer. You know what else? I was so hopped up about having my photo taken with Santa that I got over-excited and ~~nearly peed myself~~ made that dumb-ass kissy face and now I look like a God damn puffer fish in my Santa shot. Clearly I won't be using *this* as my holiday card. Sigh y'all.

You know what else? According to my friend His Girl Friday guys dressed like Santa get a lot of action. She said it's more effective then walking around with a puppy. I'd say she's right in theory but looking at the above photo you have to fucking wonder.

PS I was totally wearing legwarmers but the legwarmer shot didn't load right. You'll have to trust me. But as stated - I take this shit seriously. Also? I have more jelly bracelets than any living person in this day and age should have.

PPS I just realized I already wrote a PS so I guess that makes my previous PS a PPS and this one a PPPS.

Sigh. I need help y'all. Clearly.

My Week In Tweets: November 29 - December 5

2009-12-06T10:15:00.001-05:00

Should picking out a user name for Google Wave be this stressful??
8:48 AM Nov 29th from web

Old Navy on the Sunday after Thanksgiving looks like its been RANSACKED!
11:32 AM Nov 29th from UberTwitter

Oh Target - you are like a tonic for my ravaged soul. #retailtherapy
11:57 AM Nov 29th from UberTwitter

Can someone explain to me why no one is carrying mistletoe this year????
12:24 PM Nov 29th from UberTwitter

Is a diet of melba toast, pimento cheese, wine & coke zero cherry (with the occasional chicken wing thrown in for good measure) sustainable?
1:04 PM Nov 29th from web

I went to download Bad Romance. Somehow I wound up downloading all of The Fame Monster - Deluxe Version. My iPod is oozing Lady Gaga.
6:21 PM Nov 29th from web

Oh me. It's been a rather surreal day and the night is not looking any less Dali-esque.
8:18 PM Nov 29th from web

Wait - Dali was a surrealist - right? If not - forgive my failed art analogies.....
8:18 PM Nov 29th from web

I'm a mistress at the art of passive-aggressive.....
10:09 PM Nov 29th from web

Dear Monday: Bite me. xoxo Rougie
10:37 AM Nov 30th from web

I don't think I've ever been happier talking to Citibank. #finallyclosingmyaccountfortheloveofgod
10:52 AM Nov 30th from web

19 minutes and I've closed ONE of FIVE accounts. #citibanksucks
11:05 AM Nov 30th from web

I have to call SEPARATE people to close each account. Thanks Citi - for making it so damn easy.
11:06 AM Nov 30th from web

28 minutes and the second account is closed....I feel a little weak-kneed.
11:15 AM Nov 30th from web

Does anybody else not give a giant crap that Chelsea Clinton is engaged?
1:31 PM Nov 30th from web

Once a month you'll hear this from me: OMFG spreadsheets are making me one crabby, stabby ass mothereffer.
1:47 PM Nov 30th from UberTwitter

Need it to rain? Just ask me to wash my car and/or get my haircut. It will rain. I guarantee it.
2:34 PM Nov 30th from UberTwitter

Dear Tivo: What in my previous viewing history makes you think I'd like "Clash of the Choirs?" Seriously? xoxo rougie #WTF
4:26 PM Nov 30th from UberTwitter

Coiffed and curly. Also? Woop Woop.
6:10 PM Nov 30th from UberTwitter

Serving wine at a bakery is wrong because OMFG those cakes and pies look extra scrumptious.
6:14 PM Nov 30th from UberTwitter

Watching the Grinch. #itsofficiallytheholidays
8:04 PM Nov 30th from web

I'd give my left tit for a Diet Coke right now.
11:26 AM Dec 1st from UberTwitter

Ok - maybe not my left tit. Maybe my left pinky. Or left pinky toe.
11:27 AM Dec 1st from UberTwitter

Holy effing Hell I need a drink. Or I'd like to erase the last hour of my life. Either or.
12:30 PM Dec 1st from UberTwitter

Stabby.Stabby.Stabby.Stabby.Stabby. And I have no intention of ever taking my PJs or this fleece robe off. EVER.
4:59 PM Dec 1st from web

I'm generally a nice & understanding person but I'm about to open up a can of WHOOP ASS on someone shortly. Sloppiness is making me MAD.
5:42 PM Dec 1st from web

Also? Please don't lie to me. Ok? I didn't fall of the turnip truck yesterday....
5:43 PM Dec 1st from web

So yeah - it's not a Tuesday night if I don't eat my weight in chicken wings. Crap - it's not a night period.....
9:32 PM Dec 1st from UberTwitter

Fried pickles? GENIUS!!!!!!
9:53 PM Dec 1st from UberTwitter

Too lazy to grab my umbrella so today I'll be playing the role of wet, bedraggled dog. It's a good look I tell ya.
10:44 AM Dec 2nd from UberTwitter

Fire alarm at hotel going off. Seriously universe?
8:06 PM Dec 2nd from UberTwitter

Fire Department (and by extension hot firemen) en route. I'm not wearing any make-up. #bitememurphy
8:12 PM Dec 2nd from UberTwitter

And if we do have to evacuate? I'm so bringing my wine.
8:12 PM Dec 2nd from UberTwitter

False alarm. Relieved. However disappointed that I'm not living Donna Martin's life.
8:31 PM Dec 2nd from UberTwitter

Just looked up from my blog post and Wisc is leading Duke by 7. WTF?
9:26 PM Dec 2nd from UberTwitter

Bob Knight and Brent Musberger on ESPN. Is this college basketball or an adult diaper commercial?
9:31 PM Dec 2nd from UberTwitter

Probably should have not just said: "I'm pretty easy" in front of German tourists at hotel bar.
9:36 PM Dec 2nd from UberTwitter

For the record, it was in reply to the bartender who asked if I minded using the same glass.
9:37 PM Dec 2nd from UberTwitter

After Tweeting about Donna Martin, I dreampt that I was one of the 90210 gang and we all sat around eating pie together.
6:16 AM Dec 3rd from web

Seriously though - who eats that much pie?
6:16 AM Dec 3rd from web

And no - we can't discuss what this says about my subconscious.
6:17 AM Dec 3rd from web

Apparently I totally failed to notice the GIANT stain on the hem of my dress. A wet washcloth did not help.
7:44 AM Dec 3rd from web

No other dress AND I have 4 meetings and a dinner tonight. For work. You know - so I don't want to look like Pigpen from the Peanuts. FML
7:45 AM Dec 3rd from web

Dear Universe: Are you telling me that I *hafta* go shopping? xoxo Rougie
7:46 AM Dec 3rd from web

Good news. Nobody has noticed the stain. Just the fact that I am wearing a pretty and festive red dress.
9:59 AM Dec 3rd from UberTwitter

Dear Universe: OMG THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU for street parking in downtown Greenville. I love you too! Xoxo Rougie
11:54 AM Dec 3rd from UberTwitter

Oh to be in an office again. The flourescent lights. The buzz of the copier. The 4pm trip to the vending machine. Sigh.
4:13 PM Dec 3rd from UberTwitter

Best part of baked potato? The skin. Worst part of rack of lamb? Mint jelly. Makes it all possible? Wine.
8:20 PM Dec 3rd from UberTwitter

I just unsubscribed from about 15 email lists. Utterly liberating. #perksofinsomnia
2:52 AM Dec 4th from UberTwitter

How do *intense marriage counseling* and "Here honey - take $5mm to stay with me" work together exactly?
7:36 AM Dec 4th from web

Or is the payment the counseling?
7:36 AM Dec 4th from web

And for the record, I am so sick of Tiger Woods and the not-so-shocking fact that he couldn't keep it in his pants. Not news people.
7:40 AM Dec 4th from web

Oh Adam Lambert. You are ABSOLUTELY here for my entertainment.
11:11 AM Dec 4th from UberTwitter

Eff you Flint Street and your poorly placed loading dock.
11:38 AM Dec 4th from UberTwitter

Just got kissed under the mistletoe.
12:41 PM Dec 4th from UberTwitter

HALLELUJAH! Free at last. Free at last. Thank you sweetbabyjeebus - I am free from the bondage of @Citibank. SUCK IT CITI!
3:50 PM Dec 4th from web

How can you charge me a service fee on an account I'VE ALREADY CLOSED? Really @Citibank??? REALLY?
9:48 AM Dec 5th from web

Have to go run errands. Do you think people will believe my super cute Old Navy plaid PJs are really flannel madras pants?
9:59 AM Dec 5th from web

My mad phat jump rope skillz drew several unsolicited compliments at the gym. Holla yo! #badassintraining
4:35 PM Dec 5th from UberTwitter

I just bitchslapped the Hell out of 2 inboxes. It's like an email enema. #ocd
6:09 PM Dec 5th from web

I know I'm getting old when the fact that we're not even leaving to go out until 10pm has me wanting to crawl under the covers.
6:13 PM Dec 5th from web

Of course, we're "pre-gaming" at 9 so maybe I'm not *that* old.
6:13 PM Dec 5th from web

New drinking game: how many Coke Zero Cherries can I chug before we leave for the club at 10? #signsimgettingeffingold
7:39 PM Dec 5th from web

My skinny jeans are trying to tell me something. What's that? Stop eating so damn much? Gotcha.
7:50 PM Dec 5th from web

I take my 80s nights way. Too. Seriously.
8:29 PM Dec 5th from web

99 Luftbalons. Legwarmers. Jelly bracelets. #lovethe80s
10:31 PM Dec 5th from UberTwitter

Crap. Went to get my picture taken with 80s Santa but he blew me off to go breakdance. WTF Saint Nick???
11:42 PM Dec 5th from UberTwitter

Ok. Found Santa. Snapped photo except Holy Hell I look like a goddamn pufferfish.
11:48 PM Dec 5th from UberTwitter

PS it's the Red Bull talking. Swear.
11:48 PM Dec 5th from UberTwitter

DJ just called me Material Girl. Sigh.
11:53 PM Dec 5th from UberTwitter

Holy Hell. @lilsaej has NEVER seen St. Elmos Fire or Fast Times @ Ridgemont High. Shall we educate her tweeps?
12:00 AM Dec 6th from UberTwitter

Holy Hell bitch. Get. Off. My. Stage.
12:45 AM Dec 6th from UberTwitter

Oh dear. That last Tweet didn't sound so nice - did it????

Feed Me Fridays: Stuff It

2009-12-04T06:30:00.003-05:00

For years, I have relied on a fail safe stuffing recipe that was given to me by a complete, random stranger at the bar at the Four Seasons Hotel in Houston, TX in order to diffuse a very heated argument between me and my companion. It's served me well over the years and seeing as I make stuffing - oh well, once a year, occasionally twice - I've never seen the need to really experiment.

But this year, in an attempt to live out my grand Thanksgiving fantasy I decided that no recipe would be recycled (except for my cranberries because OMG they are perfect and in all the years I've been making them no one but me ever eats them so I felt like they had never really been eaten and therefore previous makings didn't count and in some ways, they were virginal). Which meant I had to rethink the stuffing.

It came to me in a moment of genius. It was like divine intervention. Or an endorphin-induced epiphany. Or the right combination of chicken wings and cheap wine. I'm not really sure. But there it was: Rye Bread Stuffing with Salami, Apples and Leeks.

I know - who comes up with this?

Truth be told - I sort of stuck to the basic stuffing formula (mirepoix, good bread, and something for OOMPH) and just made some tweaks. Here's the ABSOLUTELY DELICIOUS result. (Of course, in the interest of full disclosure I should let you know that the actual recipe is sitting in my kitchen and I am sitting in a hotel lobby in a different state so...I may be off...if you're really interested in exact quantities and crap like that - feel free to email me or DM me on Twitter and I'll get you the specifics).

Here's what you'll need:

For the bread - I opted for rye. I believe it was a 1.5 pound loaf. Anywhere from 1 - 1.5 pounds should work. I normally use sourdough and dad kind of ~~bitched~~ moaned a bit because he prefers sourdough to rye but I was determined. To. Be. Different. See the pretty rye bread?

The trick to my fabulous stuffing is copious quantities of butter and pre-buttering and pre-seasoning the bread. You want to butter as much surface area as possible so you want to slice the loaf crosswise into thirds or fourths like so:

Then you want to butter and season the bread. I used about a stick and half of unsalted butter. You want it soft and spreadable. Bung it in the microwave for a few seconds if you have to. Take each slice, liberally butter it, and then season it. I think on half I used Cajun seasoning (like Essence of Emeril or Tony Chachere's) and on half I used Vege-Sal. Trust me when I say this is the secret to stuffing.

It's a messy process. But if you love butter (as I do) then you won't mind. You know what else helps? To have an adorable puppy licking the floor beneath your feet hoping for scraps. Like this:

Cube your buttered and seasoned bread. Toss it all in a giant bowl and then lick your fingers. You've totally earned it:

Time for mirepoix also known as the holy trinity of vegetables: celery, carrots and onion. Only - I don't use carrots, I use garlic so I guess it's not really mirepoix. And for the onions, I used leeks just because you know, I could. Anyways, in a large pot in a mixture of butter and olive oil saute 2 leeks - stems only (not the dark green tops and by the way leeks are dirty and gritty so clean them well), 3 - 4 ribs of celery (diced) and 3 giant spoonfuls of chopped garlic. Saute for about 5 minutes until tender and fragrant (oh I could so be a cookbook writer with shit like that):

Then add the salami. I used 1 12-oz. Hebrew National salami cut into fine dice. See how pretty?

Then add the apples. I cut up 2 Honeycrisps in a rather large dice. Cook it all until - you know - it seems cooked. Then add the bread and stock. I needed 3 cups of stock total. I used 2 cups of veggie stock because it happened to be open and then I added 1 more cup of chicken stock. You can use veggie or chicken or a combo - I'd stay away from beef stock. Just a suggestion.

Let the butter-laden bread absorb the stock and get kind of soft and mushy and stuffingy and then turn off the heat.

Add 1/2 a cup of grated Parmesan and stir it in. Actually - this is optional. I am not sure Parm was the right cheese - or that the stuffing even needed cheese but I love cheese and we had overbought on the Parm and the Pecorino so....

Last step? Season to taste.

Pour the whole mess into a pan and bake at 350 for 15 - 20 minutes until it smells heavenly and OMG you want to eat it right out of the pan and burn your mouth because YUM - sorta like this:

Stuffing is awesome day of but it's even better day after. And for the record, my breakfast of choice the day after Thanksgiving (and frankly the true breakfast of champions) is a giant bowl of stuffing. Seriously - there's nothing better.

So yeah - stuff it kids. MWAH Sugars!!!

Truck: A Love Story

2009-12-03T06:30:00.004-05:00

A hundred years ago, I used to haul my cookies from Smalltown USA to The Big City Every. Single. Day. An hour there. An hour back. Sometimes more. Always in rush hour traffic. In a word: it sucked donkey balls.

To pass the time I would either listen to my iPod or, in an attempt to better myself as a human being and to stay on top of what was actually going on in the world, I would listen to NPR. And truth be told: NPR is actually pretty badass and I actually enjoyed it. I even developed several *voice crushes* including Kai Ryssdal, Sylvia Poggioli, and Lourdes Garcia-Navarro.

Anyways, every once and a while some woman would come on and talk about which books to read, and one day, one in particular, caught my ear: Truck, A Love Story. It was a memoir of sorts from a writer named Michael Perry about a year in his life in rural Wisconsin where he tried to grow a garden, restore an old pick-up truck and oh yeah by the way the dude totally fell in love. It doesn't sound thrilling (and really that's my fault for not doing it justice), but I think the whole garden growing thing was what appealed to me - or maybe the whole falling in love thing. I don't really remember because this happened a hundred years ago. I added it to my "books to buy" list and I eventually did buy it and then it promptly sat on my bookshelf for close to 2 years, if not longer.

Well, I finally read it and guess what? THIS BOOK IS AWESOME. Seriously - Michael Perry is one fucking talented writer. I found myself - for possibly the first time ever - folding down corners on pages where his writing grabbed me. Where his little nuggets spoke to me - nay SCREAMED - at me.

Poignant. Funny. Tender. Sweet. Witty. Not what you expect from rural Wisconsin. But this dude has it going on. Here are a handful of some of my favorite excerpts:

"Consider the eyes. Your callow swain will be galvanized by coquetry and flash; your full-grown man is taken more by the nature of the gaze. A powerful woman's eyes are charged not by color, but by intent. The strong woman does not look at you, the strong woman regards you."

"Until I came across Freezer Fancies and set out to collect Irma's entire oeuvre, I was in possession of exactly thirteen cookbooks. A comparatively modest collection, but I have my reasons, the main one being, nothing snarls me up like options. I blame this on my genes and my waste-not, want-not penny-pinching proto-Calvinist roots, which imbued me with the feeling that to be in possession of a useful thing and not use it is to allow the devil to wedge his big toe in the screen door of your soul."

"It is silly to say bad things about popular music, but for the record, Johnny Paycheck is to Kenny Chesney as corn whiskey is to wine coolers...I look at the pretty cowboy on the Jumbotron and think, it's one thing to polish your craft, it is quite another to wax your abs."

"Even more disturbingly, NASCAR references have begun popping up in New Yorker cartoons. In a yin to the yang of the Wal-Mart yoga mat, the hallowed sport of Carolina bootleggers has evolved into a corporation of sound-biting action figures with beautiful teeth."

"Greg Brown's voice sounds as if it was aged in a whiskey cask, cured in an Ozarks smokehouse, dropped down a stone well, pulled out damp, and kept moist in the palm of a wicked woman's hand."

"In the world of the certifiable stoic, the repression of emotion is just the more obvious half of the battle. The rest of your time is consumed with masking even the appearance of the existence of desire. Anyone can hold back a tear or dodge a hug - it takes a real hardcore Norwegian bachelor to pretend that you don't want a cookie. If I were commissioned to design the official crest for the descendants of emotionally muzzled Vikings everywhere, I would begin by looking up the Latin phrase for 'No thanks, I'm fine.'"

"Three months of pillow talk do not supplant the ratty sweatpants of history."

Really - GENIUS. And that's just a smattering.

Because I am feeling all festive and generous (HELLO HOLIDAYS!!!) I want to send YOU dear reader a copy of this book. Not my beloved copy (because Hello - totally going back and re-reading) but your very own. Simply post a comment by Monday, December 7th (even a Howdy Rougie - aren't you looking awful glam in your new profile pic) and then I'll employ a very scientific process (your name on a scrap of paper, a fishbowl, my psychotic cat) to select a winner.

Ready? Set? GO!

This Comes As No Surprise

2009-12-02T07:00:00.000-05:00

I generated a TweetCloud from my last 6 month's of Tweets and here are the results:

I'll leave the analysis up to you.

PS Sigh y'all.

The One Where I Almost Catch a Disease, Lose My Foot, and a Homeless Man May or May Not Have Seen Me Naked

2009-12-01T06:30:00.000-05:00

My friend and stylist Holly is also a photographer (see her amazing work here) and a few weeks ago I posed for a shoot for her. Her original plan had been to get me out on a boat in the middle of the lake in a vintage wedding dress. Instead, due to time constraints, we wound up at a closed down factory in the middle of Smalltown USA that in theory is going to be turned into a kick-ass grocery store but for now is a pile of rubble, broken glass, possibly industrial waste and a potential breeding ground for disease. Really - it was so dirty I kept thinking I was going to catch TB. Or Swine Flu. Or SOMETHING.

And seriously y'all - while I brought along several changes of clothes (and made some on-site clothing changes that may or may not have resulted in a homeless man getting his first glimpse of female human flesh in quite some time), I only brought along 1 pair of shoes: My Louboutins. These are my most *perfect* shoes ever. They are also the most expensive shoes I own. I won't even tell you how much they cost because you would promptly faint, fall out of your chair, hit your head, get a concussion and possibly die and darling reader - I don't want you to die a gruesome, Natasha Richardson style death. You're too special to me. Sigh.

Anyways, you try climbing up piles of wet, muddy rubble in pricey, champagne satin, 4-inch stilettos. Oh yeah - keep in mind you're training for a half marathon and so twisted ankles aren't exactly an *option.* It's not easy. But I'm a sport and Holly is awesome and we somehow managed to make it work.

At one point I offered to climb up a ladder but to get to *that* ladder I had to climb up a different ladder and so I started up ladder #1 but didn't want to break my neck so I took my shoes off and threw them up to what I thought was the platform at the top only to discover when I got to the top that I had thrown my PERFECT PRICEY LOUBOUTINS into a vat of....what? Industrial waste? Chemicals? Rainwater?

Whatever it was, it was dark and murky and dirty and ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY VILE NASTY GROSS OMG I WANT TO DIE and holy Hell did my MOST PERFECT SHOES EVER just fall into that crap? Wait. Rephrase. Did I just HURL MY MOST PERFECT SHOES EVER INTO THAT?

There was a slightly more than mild moment of panic when I thought I might lose my foot (because you know, I had no other shoes and I had to put the wet, possibly chemical shoes back on) but we quickly returned to Holly's salon where we hosed off my foot (picture the scene in Silkwood where they scrub Meryl Streep RAW) and Holly gave me a pair of "Bite Me" socks (OMG - does this girl know me or what?) that were pink with red apples (hence the Bite Me - they weren't bitch socks or anything and I totally love apples) and I left her salon in the socks, the Loubs, my Greek shipping heiress sunglasses and a fur-trimmed, brocade vintage coat with giant rhinestone buttons. You know what they say - a picture is worth a thousand words. Speaking of pictures...here are some from the shoot. And trust me when I say - Holly is a genius. I do not look this good in real life. Or most people's dreams. It's all her...

A Post So Awesome I Can't Even Think of a Clever Title

2009-11-30T07:00:00.007-05:00

I don't have kids. I hope that this is not always the case, but for now my parenting skills seem to be limited to a neurotic, slightly schizo cat that I leave alone for 3 or 4 days at a time, who terrorizes my houseguests, and who seems to have forgotten how to use the litter box after nearly 9 years. Rather than pat myself on the back, we'll just file that in Twitter under #petmomfail.

Still. I love kids. And they seem to - at least on occasion - love me. I am particularly good with little girls - especially if I am sporting some sparkly eyeliner and have extra on hand to dot on their eyes as well.

Anyways, I had the massive pleasure of spending 2 and half days with my not-quite-4-year-old nephew last week over the Thanksgiving holiday and here are my random, in no particular order takeaways and observations:

* Life with a not-quite-4-year-old is a neverending question of: "WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHY?" As in..."Monkey - it's time to get dressed." "Why?" Or in reaction to watching me heat up a bowl of stuffing for breakfast the day after Thanksgiving - "Why?" (Um - for the record, because it's my traditional post-Thanksgiving breakfast and because it's so damn tasty.) Any and every action and/or remark was promptly met with: "Why?" It's endearing that he's so inquisitive but OMFG I also wanted to smash my head against the wall on occasion. My SIL assured me that after a while, you just get used to it.

* Candyland is. The. Most. Awesome. Game. Ever. Colors. Numbers. CANDY. I'd like to get lost in Lollipop Woods forever. Or the Chocolate Swamp. PS I was totally grinning like a not-quite-4-year-old myself when I actually managed to win a game.

* Baking with a not-quite-4-year-old is messy. It's also exceptionally rewarding. And while caramel cream pie with crispy rice topping is not exactly the most kid-friendly dessert, my nephew helped make the graham cracker crust and he is a champion whipped cream whipper.

* My nephew was served cranberries at his school. He didn't care for them. He wasn't going to eat my cranberries at Thanksgiving but he wound up trying them. And asking for seconds. Melt my heart why don't you kid?

* There's nothing quite like listening to a not-quite-4-year-old sing "You can't always get what you want" and then announce he's on a hunt for a Rolling Stones CD. It's even better when he follows the Rolling Stones with "Go Go Gadget Go" and then emerges with a Fiddler on the Roof CD starring Zero Mostel.

* I love reading bedtime stories. However - I learned the hard way not to improvise. Not-quite-4-year-olds are very particular when it comes to traditional nursery rhymes. Also, if you screw up unintentionally, they will totally call you on it.

* How to make lasagna according to a not-quite-4-year-old: pasta, pasta, pasta, pasta, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, pasta. What else? Meat sauce, meat sauce, meat sauce. God I LOVE this kid.

* My nephew was in the throes of a bad cold. God bless whoever invented Boogie Wipes (Really - that's what they're called. GENIUS MARKETING). Also? I've never seen so much snot in my life. Also? I plan to wear a Haz-Mat suit next time we get together. #germophobe

* It's always a treat when a not-quite-4-year-old emerges in no pants. Really. If he'd been wearing his rainboots too (which had been the plan), my ovaries might have officially exploded.

* I am amazed at what a not-quite-4-year-old can imagine and what will keep them entertained. Seriously. All week my nephew seemed to be engaged in everything around him. And while he had plenty of *real* toys and games to distract him, it was the make believe that killed me. The Clumsy Waiter (long story - blame Dad) was a particular favorite of mine. Also? We had a whole 10 minute thing that involved the long foam rollers used for stretching only they were trees. Maybe you had to be there.

* The vivid imagination is manifested vocally by a neverending high-pitched squeal. It's charming for the first 30 seconds. Then you may wish you had earplugs.

* Wednesday night at dinner I gave my nephew a kiss. He didn't wipe it off. Apparently it was the only kiss he hadn't wiped off in a while. Once again, I say melt my heart kid.

* My nephew travels with 3 different kinds of toothpaste. I don't know why but I think that's awesome.

* Watching my nephew fall of a chair was scary. Then again, I turned my back for a minute on Friday morning and my brother pointed out that had he not been in the room, my nephew would have fallen off a different chair and landed on his head. Ok - so clearly I am not quite ready to be a parent.

Still...that scrumptious face gets me every time:

Me and Monkey. Ignore the red nose. He'd been spewing massive quantities of snot for the last 6 days.

Me and my SIL as photographed by Monkey. For realz, yo! My not-quite-4-year-old snapped *this* photo. He's a fucking genius.

My Week In Tweets: November 22 - November 28

2009-11-29T09:55:00.000-05:00

I pity whoever is on the treadmill next to me. Unless they like the smell of stale Guinness and sweat...
11:36 AM Nov 22nd from web

I am en route to the gym. It's also possible I am TOTALLY HIGH right now if I think I am able to run more than a mile - if that...
12:15 PM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

Have gone from thinking 10 miles to 10k to 10 minutes. Excuse me - am off to die.
12:21 PM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

10 minutes and I haven't died. Or puked. Despite a rather foul Donatos pizza commercial and some nauseating slop from Kay Jewelers.
12:33 PM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

Remember when I thought going for a run was fun? Training fucked that shit up. Big time.
12:44 PM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

5 miles. If I can run 5 miles I can run 13.1 right? #trainingfail
1:07 PM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

Let's face it: 5 minutes in *my condition* was impressive.
1:10 PM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

Total guilty movie pleasure: Payback with Mel Gibson.
2:39 PM Nov 22nd from web

Operation 400 Christmas lights in my living room is a SUCCESS!!!!
3:00 PM Nov 22nd from web

How do the rest of you feel about Bad Romance by Lady Gaga because I am totally ambivalent.
3:44 PM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

Although I do dig the French a la Blondie. And you could totally tell Lady G went to NYC prep school. Except for the whole *no pants* thing.
3:45 PM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

Howie Long is looking sharp! Seriously - when did these NFL dudes start dressing so nattily? 3 purples ties? Terry sporting lime green?
4:21 PM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

Just overheard: Do Jewish people celebrate Thanksgiving. OMG.
4:36 PM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

Also being debated - why don't other countries celebrate Thanksgiving. Yes. I am not making this shit up.
4:37 PM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

I am overwhelmed by the intellectual capacity at the smalltown, redneck sports bar. Oh wait......
4:37 PM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

Sitting with @Lilsaej discussing Aerosmith. She's just discovered a whole new *level of meaning* to their lyrics. #blessherheart
6:07 PM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

"You ain't seen nuthin' til you're down on a muffin...." #blessherheart
6:08 PM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

GO JIMMIE!!! WOO-HOO! HISTORY IS MADE!!!
6:41 PM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

Coming home to sparkling, multi-colored lights is utterly squeeful!!!!
7:23 PM Nov 22nd from web

Goodfellas *kinda* makes me want to go to prison like Pretty Woman *kinda* makes me want to be a prostitute.
8:08 PM Nov 22nd from web

RT @rebeccad: If you want me to buy something I don't need, make it sparkle and put it on sale.
5:45 AM Nov 23rd from UberTwitter

I have amazing neighbors y'all. The dear folks to my left are nursing the puppy hit by the car on Saturday. #sodamnrelieved
5:47 AM Nov 23rd from web

This rainy, cold, wet, grey, damp, utterly sucktastic weather can bite me.
7:25 AM Nov 23rd from UberTwitter

Dear @Citibank: YOU ARE KILLING ME. I'D LIKE TO DRIVE A STAKE THROUGH YOUR HEART YOU CAUSE ME SO MUCH ANGST. xoxo Rougie
10:33 AM Nov 23rd from web

After politely asking the rep not to hang up on me when she placed me on hold 10 gajillion times, guess what she did??
10:41 AM Nov 23rd from web

I swear to sweet baby jeebus that when I get this damn account closed I am popping a bottle of champagne and drinking the whole damn thing.
10:44 AM Nov 23rd from web

And nothing like getting sucker punched at work to brighten your day. #crapisittuesdayyet
11:12 AM Nov 23rd from web

Dear @Citibank: If you made ANYTHING remotely easy for your customers I'd die from shock. Please don't change. I like a challenge. xo Rougie
12:39 PM Nov 23rd from web

Guess who got dragged out kicking and screaming for a pre-vaca drink (or several) with the boys?
6:07 PM Nov 23rd from UberTwitter

Though really use of the words "dragged," "kicking" and "screaming" don't actually apply in this case. Or ever.
6:08 PM Nov 23rd from UberTwitter

If I'm conscious and you ask me out for a drink odds are better than good I'll accept. Sigh.
6:08 PM Nov 23rd from UberTwitter

Scaring the locals y'all. Scaring the locals.
7:10 PM Nov 23rd from UberTwitter

4 wings and 3 slices of pizza for dinner. #massivedietfail
8:15 PM Nov 23rd from UberTwitter

Apparently I've worked my way into The Fall Guy theme song. Flattered? Horrified? Both.
8:56 PM Nov 23rd from UberTwitter

Getting a lesson in how to make moonshine. Either "cornmeal" or "any fruit that moves." OMG y'all - MY LIFE!!!!!!!
9:00 PM Nov 23rd from UberTwitter

And yes - I'm out with Sumo and The Kaiser. If you couldn't tell. Sigh.
9:01 PM Nov 23rd from UberTwitter

Direct quote: "Google Earth has hurt the liquor still business." Yes y'all - I do not make this fermented shit up.
9:02 PM Nov 23rd from UberTwitter

I've never seen Blazing Saddles. Sumo and The Kaiser are beyond disappointed. #massivepopculturefail
9:21 PM Nov 23rd from UberTwitter

"We might be in trouble" #smokeyandthebandit #storyofmylife
9:51 PM Nov 23rd from UberTwitter

At the airport waiting to wing my way to @MarshallKarp.
11:13 AM Nov 24th from UberTwitter

Evil looking teen is giving me the stink eye. What? Have you never seen anyone inhale a club sandwich before?
11:14 AM Nov 24th from UberTwitter

Really - this child is unfortunate looking. And I'm trying not to be a massive bitch but oh yeah I have no filter.
11:15 AM Nov 24th from UberTwitter

"Maintenance issues." "Might not be able to board." FML. This is why I don't travel.
11:17 AM Nov 24th from UberTwitter

Guessing my 11:45 is not going to be on time.
11:37 AM Nov 24th from UberTwitter

Mechanic went to get a part for avionics. Then they run a test. Then maybe we board. Oh dear.
11:45 AM Nov 24th from UberTwitter

So unfortunate looking child is also loud AND bossy. I'd move but there are no other seats.
11:47 AM Nov 24th from UberTwitter

Flight is still listed as taking off at 12. Um - it's 11:57. You might want to update that.....
11:57 AM Nov 24th from UberTwitter

We're getting a whole new plane. Also? A new gate so I am no longer forced to look at/listen to unfortunate looking teen.
12:09 PM Nov 24th from UberTwitter

I am considering having a baby just so I could board faster.
12:43 PM Nov 24th from UberTwitter

Obviously I mean for future flights. I know I can't have a baby right now.
12:44 PM Nov 24th from UberTwitter

Of course I could *steal* one.
12:44 PM Nov 24th from UberTwitter

And that last Tweet was a total joke. But the ones before it were semi-serious. Kinda. Sorta. Maybe.
12:45 PM Nov 24th from UberTwitter

They did a bang up job cleaning the plane. Explains the half-sucked on cough drop at my feet. FTW?
12:48 PM Nov 24th from UberTwitter

There is absolutely no point in trying to compete with a puppy. NONE.
3:33 PM Nov 24th from UberTwitter

Watching my childhood stuffed animals being trashed. Then again - I think they might be breeding swine flu.
9:09 AM Nov 25th from UberTwitter

Is there a clove shortage I don't know about? Bought some ground cloves yesterday - $8. !#*! dollars. These will be some chere cranberries.
9:25 AM Nov 25th from UberTwitter

Making pudding from scratch? A bitch. Making caramel from scratch? A bitch? Making caramel pudding from scratch? BITCHBITCHBITCHBITCHBITCH
4:38 PM Nov 25th from UberTwitter

Here's what I've done so far today: made pimento cheese, gougeres, soup, stuffing, cranberries, baked a pie, blogged and run 10 miles.
5:01 PM Nov 25th from UberTwitter

Here's what I haven't done: brush my teeth.
5:01 PM Nov 25th from UberTwitter

So life with a 4yo is one never-ending question of WHY?
7:28 PM Nov 25th from UberTwitter

Also? God I love my family but they give new meaning to the word dysfunctional.
7:29 PM Nov 25th from UberTwitter

Apparently one should not improvise when reading stories to a 4yo. Lesson learned.
8:20 PM Nov 25th from UberTwitter

I salvaged 1 wee teddy bear from the 2009 Thanksgiving Stuffed Animal Massacre. He was put through the wash and left on my bed. #regressing
10:41 PM Nov 25th from UberTwitter

Seriously y'all - this may have been My. First. Teddy. Bear. Ever. #swearimgonnacryandnoitsnotthewine
10:42 PM Nov 25th from UberTwitter

Dear fitful, sleep: Oh how I've missed you. How I've missed tossing and turning. Thanks for paying me a visit. Xoxo Rougie
7:13 AM Nov 26th from UberTwitter

I am thankful for my 4yo nephew. Holy Hell this kid is cute.
7:54 AM Nov 26th from UberTwitter

My 4yo nephew is singing "You Can't Always Get What You Want" and on a quest for a Rolling Stones CD. My ovaries just exploded.
11:21 AM Nov 26th from UberTwitter

We've moved from The Stones to "Go Go Go Gadget." Hold me.
11:26 AM Nov 26th from UberTwitter

Have successfully eaten my weight in pimento cheese and bacon crostini. Am extremely thankful.
12:24 PM Nov 26th from UberTwitter

Elastic. Today especially I am thankful for elastic.
1:30 PM Nov 26th from UberTwitter

Dear Turkey: STOP teasing me and POP already......
3:43 PM Nov 26th from UberTwitter

My Thanksgiving fantasy was a sucess. *smiles dreamily* I need a cigarette.
5:54 PM Nov 26th from UberTwitter

Did I say that caramel cream pie was a bitch? I meant it was mmm-mmm-mmm delicious. Truly.
6:42 PM Nov 26th from UberTwitter

We just taught my 4yo nephew to play Candyland. "It's my game," he decreed and promptly put it in his room.
7:36 PM Nov 26th from UberTwitter

What does one do after cooking for 2 straight days? Why one makes turkey soup of course. #smackmeiminsane
7:51 PM Nov 26th from UberTwitter

I don't care that Cary Grant was *unsuitable* Would totally bring him back #timemachinefreebies
8:38 PM Nov 26th from UberTwitter

Dad: I can't hear you when you yap. Just Tweet. Me: Okthankyousweetbabyjeebus
8:55 PM Nov 26th from UberTwitter

Dear Universe: please reincarnate me as Grace Kelly in ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!
9:10 PM Nov 26th from UberTwitter

Turkey-barley soup with carrots, corn, mushrooms and Brussels sprouts. Y'all are just glad I don't have a camera phone. #foodpr0n
8:14 AM Nov 27th from UberTwitter

4yo Nephew: What are you doing? Me: Stuffing for breakfast. Him: Why? Me: Because it's sooo good. Him (pauses then grins): That's so funny.
8:41 AM Nov 27th from web

Whoever invented Candyland was a genius.
9:38 AM Nov 27th from UberTwitter

Caramel Cream Pie in the fridge is TAUNTING me. Sticking my fingers in my ears: "I can't hear you."
12:10 PM Nov 27th from UberTwitter

Dear Pie: Shut the eff up and leave me alone. Xoxo Rougie
12:13 PM Nov 27th from UberTwitter

My carry-on contains 2 books, a pound of raw Brussels sprouts, stuffing, cranberries, pimento cheese, and a giant ass slice of PIE.
12:22 PM Nov 27th from UberTwitter

Also? My childhood teddy bear. But I'm not bringing home soup because that's just plain odd.
12:23 PM Nov 27th from UberTwitter

So glad @MarshallKarp pays attention to those flashing lights that say turn on your radio. And that he has GPS. #theresnoplacelikehome
2:34 PM Nov 27th from UberTwitter

Do you ever look at people, scratch your head and wonder: WTF are you thinking dude? #airportphilosophy
5:01 PM Nov 27th from UberTwitter

Dude - wearing sunglasses for 4 STRAIGHT hours doesn't make you cool. It makes you a GIANT DOUCHEY ASSHAT.
5:05 PM Nov 27th from UberTwitter

Just spent $90 at the grocery store. On what I have no idea since I didn't *need* anything. Except wine.
6:04 PM Nov 27th from UberTwitter

Watching Aladdin. Drinking Shiraz. Should be entertaining......
9:07 PM Nov 27th from web

25 minutes into Aladdin and no Robin Williams. WTF??
9:26 PM Nov 27th from UberTwitter

Whoever decided to market Nutella as nutrious was clearly HIGH. It's not nutritious. Not remotely. It's fucking chocolate.
9:59 PM Nov 27th from web

Ok- if I were on a magic carpet w/ Aladdin I would not be singing. Especially "A Whole New World." #justsayin
10:23 PM Nov 27th from web

I am 1 business day away from closing out my Citibank account. Hold me people. Hold me.
7:08 AM Nov 28th from web

OMG!! @mcmama nominated me for Google Wave. I feel like one of the cool kids....finally.....
9:44 AM Nov 28th from UberTwitter

So...7.5 feet is QUITE large. For a Christmas tree that is.....
12:38 PM Nov 28th from UberTwitter

At Wal-Mart. Want.To.Die.
3:23 PM Nov 28th from UberTwitter

There are 10 people waiting to return crap. 1 person working the return counter. You do the math.
3:24 PM Nov 28th from UberTwitter

And when you factor in where I live, the math looks *even worse*
3:25 PM Nov 28th from UberTwitter

The same person has been returning an item since I got in line. Clearly this is not a MENSA convention.
3:27 PM Nov 28th from UberTwitter

Also? Will shortly require Xanax, a martini or both.
3:27 PM Nov 28th from UberTwitter

Dante had it wrong. This is the 9th circle of Hell.
3:30 PM Nov 28th from UberTwitter

Well that visit cost me $50 and a GIANT piece of my soul......
4:00 PM Nov 28th from UberTwitter

It looks like a glitter factory threw up all over my Christmas tree. It's AWESOME. Feelin' FESTIVE!! #discochristmas
4:56 PM Nov 28th from web

To copy @alicat28 Sweet: 2 free beers. Sour: ASSCRACK. Pull your pants up woman!
8:51 PM Nov 28th from UberTwitter

OMG y'all. Does anyone else think I require medication after reading all that???

Silencing The Crescendo

2009-11-27T07:00:00.001-05:00

I have been up since 6:30am and on my feet cooking since 7:00am. I have chopped, pureed, simmered, stewed, sauteed, sliced and diced. I have washed, rinsed, scrubbed, wiped and swiped. I have made pimento cheese and fried bacon for the crostini; nearly overcooked red pepper, garlic and pecorino gougeres. I have made creamy carrot soup with scallions and poppy seeds as well as my spiced cranberry conserve. I have experimented on a stuffing involving rye bread, salami and apples. I still have a pie to bake. But the voices. The voices are there and I need to quiet them.

I need to run. I want to run. As much for training as for the fact that I love to run when I am up here.

Training. I am over it. In fact the other day while I was at the gym I momentarily hoped I would twist my ankle or blow out my knee and therefore get my Get Out of Jail Free card. Then I berated myself for being such an asshole. Don't get me wrong. I love working out. I love being healthy. I love being strong. But any and all joy I associated with running is long gone. Training will do that. Or rather, training has done that for me.

I had planned to go for a run in the morning but I woke up and it was dark and cold and gray and wet and damp and I was anxious to start cooking so I held off. After 5+ hours on my feet I should be exhausted. I am exhausted. But the voices. The voices are there and I need to quiet them.

I finally get out of my pajamas and into my running clothes. I calculate how long it's been since I sucked down some leftovers for lunch. It hasn't been long enough. But if I wait any longer something will happen to distract or deter me. I'll start the pie. Or my mother, sister-in-law and nephew will show up. It might even start raining. I need to get out. I need to clear my head.

Sure enough when I step outside I can see rain sprinkles on the concrete patio, feel the mist on my face. I wait for my Garmin GPS to locate satellites while Pink sings on my iPod: "I'm not here for you're entertainment. You don't really wanna mess with me tonight."

Dear Universe, I think. Please don't rain. I need to run. I need to clear my head. To exorcise my demons. I need to silence the crescendo. I don't want to be stabby when I see my nephew. I want to enjoy him. I don't want to feel this pain I feel, to carry these burdens I carry. The voices are there and I need to quiet them.

It takes like what seems to be forever but eventually the GPS loads and I start to run. Running for me these days is a constant negotiation between what I think I need to be doing for training and what I want to do for my own personal enjoyment and/or sanity. Today it's a toss-up. I have been a training failure. My last 2 "long runs" have been cut short: one because my iPod died and I was thirsty, the other because I was hungover and exhausted. Today I am well-rested, not remotely hungover, and my iPod is fully charged. No excuses. I tell myself I am simply going to run until I can run no more. Or until the voices are quiet and still.

Running feels good. Liberating. Rhythmic. Cleansing. I have a lot on my mind and I need to clear my head. And I do. For a while. But then I lose myself in the music. I lose myself in the rain, which is falling harder, steadier. I lose myself in the hills - OMG the hills. Thank God Kiawah is a flat race because these hills are killing me. And then I focus and I give some serious thought to that which occupies my mind, tears at my heart. I try to find some perspective. I do.

In the old days, I would run out Glasco to Plochman Lane and back - a basic 3.5 mile run. But today I am in it for the long haul. I pass Plochman and head towards 212. I hope it's about 5 miles there because then that will mean 5 miles back will mean an easy 10 miles. I am not so lucky. I come up on 212 and I've only run 3.3 miles. I debate turning on 212 and looping through town but I decide that 212 is probably not the safest road so I turn back on Glasco.

It's raining harder now. Not so hard I can't see - it still feels like mist - but hard enough that the cars on the road need their windshield wipers on. It's cold but I feel hot and sweaty. The voices. The voices are there and I need to quiet them.

Negotiations begin again. Turn on Plochman and do the loop through town? Or run back to the Four Corners and out the other side towards Byrdcliffe? I don't know how I feel about running through town. And that hill back up Rock City Road is a killer. But what if I get to the Four Corners and psych myself out and head home instead of towards Byrdcliffe? Then again, it's raining harder now. Maybe I should be heading towards home instead of stranding myself further and further away. I come up on Plochman and stay straight. The voices. They're still there. They won't shut up.

I hit the Four Corners and stay straight. This is a good thing. If I would have turned right it would have meant home. I've run 6.3 miles. My hope is to knock out 2 miles out towards Byrdcliffe and then back and then maybe walk the giant half-mile up the mountain to the house because HOLY FUCKING HILLS Y'ALL.

I need flat. Kiawah is flat. If I can find flat I feel like I could run all day despite the gray, the cold, the wet, the rain. I need to run all day and I no longer know if I am talking about training or my sanity. It's those damn voices.

Byrdcliffe is not flat. Not remotely. It is one giant ass hill and while I am comforted by the fact that it will be downhill on the return, the run out is a struggle. It's raining harder too. I feel a chill. My knee throbs. I turn my iPod up louder. I search for something to propel me forward.

I don't make the full 2 miles. I am overwhelmed. I ache. So I turn around and head back but I am determined to make it 10 miles. I check my Garmin at the Four Corners - 8.95. I cross back over and head from whence I've already been, once again, skipping the turn home.

The rain has stopped. I feel less of a chill. Although I am somewhat winded and fighting off pain in my left knee, I don't otherwise feel too bad. I am sort of keeping track of time but not really. I have resigned myself to the fact that it will probably take me well above 2 hours to finish the Race in two plus weeks and I am ok with that. Sort of.

The last quarter mile up the giant ass hill takes every ounce of strength I have. If it weren't for Lady Gaga whispering in my ear, I don't know if I would make it. But I do. Ninety-three minutes, 10 windy, cold, gray, very hilly miles and the crescendo is finally silenced.

I take a deep breath, walk in the door, and give my nephew a hug.

One Thing Only

2009-11-26T07:00:00.006-05:00

I try not to get too sentimental or sappy on this blog but occasionally I have my moments. This is one of them.

Obviously - with today being Thanksgiving and all - I am reflecting on that which I am grateful for. And while the list is (thankfully) trending towards lengthy these days, there's really only one thing that I would like to publicly acknowledge.

I am thankful for love. I am thankful that I am loved by so many and I am thankful that I have the opportunity, ability and capacity to love so many in return.

This has not been the easiest year for Country Girl. And today in particular is a not-so-easy day for me. So to look at my life and to see all who touch me in so many ways - for that my gratitude knows no bounds.

For those of you who make me laugh (and on occasion snort Coke Zero Cherry and/or beer through my nose); who loan me your shoulder when I need a place to bury my snotty, tear-stained face; who cheer me on during that last, uphill mile; who challenge me to be a better me; who indulge me; who forgive me when I've hurt you...

For those of you who help me without expecting payment in return; who hold my hand when I am afraid to be alone; who tell me the truth even when it's what I don't want to hear; who accept me for who I am - imperfections and all...

For those of you who tolerate my brand of crazy; who inspire me; who stand back and let me shine; who appreciate my extreme level of neuroses; who remind me that things have a way of working themselves out for the best; who see beyond the well-managed exterior and into darker, weaker places...

For those of you who love me and who let me love you in return...you give me all that I need, so Thank You.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Biting Off More Than I Can Stir

2009-11-25T07:15:00.002-05:00

I love to cook. This fact has been well-documented on numerous occasions. Also? I'm pretty darn good at it (even though my brand of haute epicurean cuisine seems to sometimes be lost on the locals).

Thanksgiving is pretty much my fantasy holiday and I have a ~~an utterly insane~~ dream to one day cook a multi-course Thanksgiving feast for at least 25. Yes - things like that get me off and if you haven't figured out my brand of crazy by now people, then what are you still doing here? Anyways - where was I?

Oh yeah - me, many courses, a week sweating my ass off in the kitchen and a minimum of 25 well-fed, happily sated guests at the end of the day. And while I'm not quite ready to live out my actual fantasy, Thanksgiving 2009 is most definitely a mini trial run.

Number of guests: We're only going to be 6 and 1 of us is just about to turn 4. And while my adorable little nephew has a very sophisticated palette, he doesn't exactly eat a whole lot quantity wise.

Number of days in the kitchen: One and a half to 2 - depending on what you count. I plan to start this morning and get as much done in advance as possible. I expect to be in the kitchen much of tomorrow as well until whatever time we sit down to eat which is I Have No Idea When. Of course, I have promised my mother that at some point I will emerge and spend time with the family and not hide behind the food processor for the entire trip...

The menu. Ahhhhh the menu. I am calling this "Sarah's Ultimate Thanksgiving Menu" also known as "I Can Plan This Any Damn Way I Want and Don't Have To Compromise With Another Living Soul (Sorta) Menu." And lest ye feel compelled to call me selfish - check out what my non-compromising ass is serving up.

Mid-Day Nibblies: I figure we will be eating at some odd time because holiday meals are always at odd times. By the way - why is that? Why is it that during holidays we're all - let's eat at 3:30pm or 4pm instead of sticking to either lunch or dinner?

Anyways, during the day we'll be munching on pimento cheese & bacon crostini and red pepper, garlic and pecorino gougeres. Probably not the best choices for those who might be lactose intolerant...but OMG YUM!!!! I am particularly drooling over those crostini.

Whenever we do actually sit down, we'll be starting with creamy carrot soup with scallions and poppy seeds. I'm not much of a soup girl during big meals but 1) as previously stated, I really want to blow it out and 2) OMG how good does that recipe look?

I also plan to serve some mixed baby greens with a classic vinaigrette. If my family were more sophisticated I'd plan to serve it AFTER the meal all European style but that's really not our speed yo. Not to mention - I called Dad before I packed and asked him if I could spend the week in flannel shirts and cords or if I had to bring, you know - a dress. Dad promptly fainted and when he came to he asked who I was and what had I done with his daughter. Dude - it's the winter uniform. Also? I think I've gained 10 sympathy pounds in anticipation of "The Holiday Season" and some of the dresses are well, a wee bit snug. My whole point with the salad by the way was simply to have something clean and light amidst the rest of this gluttonous gorge-fest.

We have a 12-lb. organic turkey sitting in the fridge which I plan to roast with lemon and chives.

My brother had one request: as close to plain mashed potatoes as I was willing to make i.e. don't muck them up with too much roasted garlic or goat cheese. I'm calling my to-be-created version Country Girl's Anything But Ordinary Plain Jane Mashed Potatoes and they will involve epic quantities of butter, milk, cream and salt and will be served with a side of Lipitor.

As much as I love my Four Seasons Stuffing, this year I had a vision. Seriously - it was like an angel or Mario Batali came down and touched my 3rd eye and suddenly: I SAW THE LIGHT. Actually, I saw a recipe for a rye bread stuffing with salami, apples and leeks so that's what I'm going to make. Frankly - Dad is skeptical (and annoyed I am not using sourdough bread because he prefers that to rye) but I am feeling like there might be a Feed Me Friday somewhere in all of this!

I can not STAND green bean casserole. I abhor it. I've suffered through it in years past because, well because I live in the south. Anyways, I wanted to make my Brussels Slaw but Brussels sprouts are off the menu (long story) so I am offering my interpretation of green bean casserole which is sautéed green beans with baby portabellas, caramelized onions and Parmesan. I am pretty sure it's going to ROCK.

And of course I am making my spiced cranberry & dried fruit compote because this is the 1 time a year I make it and it's that good.

We're not big pumpkin pie folks so this year I am baking a caramel cream pie with crispy rice topping. Dad tried to talk me out of it and suggested we pick up a locally baked pie in town. I shot him a death glare and promptly snarled through gritted teeth: "It's my fantasy - leave me alone." He's promised to make himself scarce til we sit down tomorrow.

Oh and how could I forget the wine. It was a no brainer - I called my girl the Wine Diva at Gun Bun and we are expecting a mixed case of Pinot Noir (the 2006 - very important to note), Gewirtz and Chard.

Seriously - have you ever heard of a more delicious and awesometastic Thanksgiving menu? I certainly haven't. Of course I've got about 36 hours to get it all done and sometimes I wonder if I bite off more than I can stir. Then again - I live for a challenge!

So darling loves - what's on your Thanksgiving table (and in your Thanksgiving glass) this year?

Questions for the Ages

2009-11-24T07:00:00.000-05:00

How the Hell do you follow 8,247 people on Twitter? Or even 2,719? Or even 156? I follow 93 (at least 20 of whom don't even really Tweet) and I find that to be *overwhelming*

Seriously folks - how do you do it?

* * * * *

Is it possible to go to Target and spend less than $100?

* * * * *

Tinsel on the tree. Yes or No?

What Lady Gaga and I Have in Common

2009-11-23T07:00:00.002-05:00

This is not me:

But this is my new short Love Fleece sherpa-trim robe from Victoria's Secret.

It's also the reason why I am taking a page from the Lady Gaga playbook and never wearing pants again.

My Week In Tweets: November 15 - 21

2009-11-22T10:15:00.002-05:00

Just hauled my cookies to Wal-Mart and spent $43 on my cat. My pee everywhere but the damn litter box cat.
8:51 AM Nov 15th from UberTwitter

Of course, maybe if his litter didn't smell rancid he'd use the box. #petmomfail
8:52 AM Nov 15th from UberTwitter

AND I got accosted by church peeps in the parking lot. I think I need to start wearing a large Chai around my neck & Star of David earrings.
8:53 AM Nov 15th from UberTwitter

Can someone please remind me why I thought that signing up for a half marathon was a good idea??
10:03 AM Nov 15th from UberTwitter

9.3 miles (or 15k) in 1:24:39. Was aiming for 10 but my iPod died and I can't run without music. #training
11:52 AM Nov 15th from UberTwitter

Rewarding myself with ice cold Mich Ultra just like after a *real race* #ghettotraining
11:52 AM Nov 15th from UberTwitter

Eagerly awaiting @lilsaej for a little Sunday Nascar action. Meanwhile - DAMN this cold beer is good!
3:59 PM Nov 15th from UberTwitter

Well hello. Pulled my head up from Ubertwitter long enough to see that the #48 is in the lead! #gojimmie
4:01 PM Nov 15th from UberTwitter

@lilsaej threatened to send obscene Tweets from my phone while I went to the ladies room.
5:58 PM Nov 15th from UberTwitter

What she doesn't realize is that she probably can't out-obscene me.
5:58 PM Nov 15th from UberTwitter

She's a sweet southern belle. And I'm....well I'm me.
6:01 PM Nov 15th from UberTwitter

What kind of Asshat stands RIGHT IN FRONT of the weight rack to lift?
5:55 AM Nov 16th from UberTwitter

I mean could you be ANY closer to the mirror? And ANY MORE in the way?
6:00 AM Nov 16th from UberTwitter

Also? Baggy jeans and a fitted muscle tee is not a good look ANYWHERE but especially not here.
6:01 AM Nov 16th from UberTwitter

It's quite possible I am drinking soapy Diet Ginger Ale right now. #dishwashfail
8:50 AM Nov 16th from web

Gym (Sat), 9.3mile run (Sun), gym (today) - its official - I can't walk.
9:59 AM Nov 16th from UberTwitter

Who the hell is Chest Roswell?
6:52 AM Nov 17th from web

Tell me Twitterverse: who builds a conference room and falls to put in an outlet? WHO?
9:22 AM Nov 17th from UberTwitter

Either the bathroom mirror at the office is exceptionally unflattering or my ass Supersized itself overnight? Also - who stole my calves?
11:29 AM Nov 17th from UberTwitter

Seriously - if I worked here everyday, I'd have a complex. Or require medication. Or possibly both.
11:31 AM Nov 17th from web

Random: turning christina aguilera and my ipod off and spontaneously belting out a medley from Really Rosie.
2:42 PM Nov 17th from UberTwitter

There's roadkill and then there's roadSPLATTEREDALLOVERTHEFUCKINGHIGHWAY.
2:57 PM Nov 17th from UberTwitter

Feeling feisty. Like a kitten with a ball of string. Or a teenage boy on prom night.
3:01 PM Nov 17th from UberTwitter

My cat is so desperate for attention. You'd think I hadn't been home in da- Oh wait.....
6:59 PM Nov 17th from web

I think a glass of wine is totally in order after my trainer kicked my ass. One and a halfx squats? WTF??
7:30 PM Nov 17th from web

Does anybody else get a giant hard on looking at dresses on Modcloth?
9:51 PM Nov 17th from web

Dear @ModCloth: trying to buy lovely dress from your site . CAN'T log in. AM PISSED. Get your webshit together. Please. xo Rougie
10:37 PM Nov 17th from web

My new goal: Nothing but Susie Sunshine Smiles on Twitter from here on out. I won't say 1 thing about the asshat drivers on I-40. Nope.
8:34 AM Nov 18th from web

Puppies. Cotton Candy. Rainbows. Fairy Dust. Sunshine and Smiley Faces. Unicorns. Teddy Bears. #seetwittericanbeupbeat
11:47 AM Nov 18th from UberTwitter

Ok - that last Tweet made me mildly sick. But in a happy, upbeat, positive, non-stabby kind of way. Cuz that's the kind of girl I am.
11:54 AM Nov 18th from UberTwitter

You know what else makes me happy? Lots and lots of bacon on my salad. And cheese. Bacon and cheese - YUM!
1:09 PM Nov 18th from UberTwitter

Add free Twizzlers at the office and Peppermint Mochas from SBUX to the "Me Sooooooo Happy Today" list.
1:49 PM Nov 18th from UberTwitter

Is it me or does anyone else worry that they have a booger in their nose, lettuce in their teeth or food on their face during lunch mtgs?
1:51 PM Nov 18th from UberTwitter

Cuz the guy I had lunch with kept dusting his mouth and I was afraid I might have a giant pice of tortilla chip glued to my cheek w/ guac.
1:52 PM Nov 18th from UberTwitter

Did I mention I'm happy AND fat?
2:00 PM Nov 18th from UberTwitter

Have discovered I am well suited for a Western. Why? Cuz apparently I have saddlebags attached to my thighs. Oh wait - is that too Twitchy?
2:04 PM Nov 18th from UberTwitter

A day this long should have involved more than 1 glass of wine.
9:00 PM Nov 18th from UberTwitter

I bit the bullet and made a list. But a very *special* list It's the only list I can handle... #twitHER #bedauchery #drinkyerfaceoff
7:01 AM Nov 19th from web

What kind of hotel only does room service for dinner? WTF and FML b/c OMG - not showered and need coffee.
7:43 AM Nov 19th from UberTwitter

Looking at a business card rec'd from an attorney last week. TELECOPIER?!? WTF? What YEAR is it people? Am I missing something?
8:17 AM Nov 19th from UberTwitter

There is NO way this caramel peanut fusion triple threat Power Bar is remotely healthy. No way.
9:58 AM Nov 19th from UberTwitter

Today I am thankful for the following: double-sided tape, Bumpitz and very good concealer. Also? Diet fill-in-the-blank.
10:58 AM Nov 19th from UberTwitter

Now I know why they give you black napkins when you're wearing black pants. My pants look like they've got dandruff. #lintfail
1:11 PM Nov 19th from UberTwitter

Of course my 2:30 is running late. Cuz - ya know - I'd like to be on the road. Heading home.
2:45 PM Nov 19th from UberTwitter

I will not Twitch about the fact that my 2:30 is turning into a 3. Nope. Won't. Cuz I am not a Twitchy kindy of girl.
2:51 PM Nov 19th from UberTwitter

Where are all you people GOING??? GO HOME!!!! (Oh wait....)
5:17 PM Nov 19th from UberTwitter

Breaking fucking news y'all: men like girl on girl action. *slaps head* WTF?! (Just kidding)
8:07 PM Nov 19th from UberTwitter

Chik-fil-A and Coke Zero - am so easily pleased.
11:46 AM Nov 20th from UberTwitter

Also? @samanthajcampen is teasing me. #twitWHORE
11:47 AM Nov 20th from UberTwitter

Get to stand - IN HEELS - for a full hour presentation. Um - let's file that under: #shoefail.
12:04 PM Nov 20th from UberTwitter

Balding, gold chain, moustache and tinted glasses. HELLO 1974!
1:09 PM Nov 20th from UberTwitter

Christmas music at the mall. Can. Not. Deal.
1:27 PM Nov 20th from UberTwitter

Welcome @RandallCandle to our deranged, twisted, semi-sober world. #ff
2:31 PM Nov 20th from UberTwitter

Pretty new dress arrived from @ModCloth along with tax refund. Squee!!!!!!
3:09 PM Nov 20th from UberTwitter

I've resorted to pimping my @MarshallKarp for business purposes. Is that just wrong??
6:18 PM Nov 20th from web

Cold Chinese food and Coke Zero Cherry for breakfast - because I'm classy yo.
7:46 AM Nov 21st from web

I'm off to buy a Christmas tree. Yes - I am aware of the fact that I am Jewish. No - we can't discuss.
8:35 AM Nov 21st from web

Also - we can't discuss how damn expensive these things are. Maybe I need to stick to my roots, skip the tree and buy a dreidel.
8:35 AM Nov 21st from web

Of course, they don't have dreidels where I live. Hell - I have to order my Hanukah candles online.
8:36 AM Nov 21st from web

Yes I can too celebrate BOTH holidays.
8:36 AM Nov 21st from web

The biggest problem I face is getting out of my new bathrobe. Seriously - I got it yesterday & it's so damn comfy I might never take it off.
8:38 AM Nov 21st from web

Holy crap y'all! Some idiot just hit a dog on the side of the road in front of my house.
8:53 AM Nov 21st from web

Dog went limping off, howling in pain. Asshole who hit him drove off. WTF is wrong with you people?
8:54 AM Nov 21st from web

Sigh. Now I must get out of my robe and look for the poor puppy. I seriously might cry y'all....
8:54 AM Nov 21st from web

Yes Wal-Mart peeps - I didn't brush my teeth OR put on a bra. Just for you.
9:25 AM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

Y'all - the dog limped off into the woods and I couldn't find him. Keeping my eyes peeled though. #peoplearemorons
9:54 AM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

Just discovered mouse turds in one of my suitcases upstairs. Promptly commence freak out. FML.
11:52 AM Nov 21st from from web

Also? I'll be Fedexing my luggage going forward.
11:52 AM Nov 21st from from web

Or I'll have to get drunk before I pack next time & hopefully forget that Mickey is apparently using my luggage as his own personal toilet.
11:54 AM Nov 21st from from web

Currently hanging 400 holiday lights in my living room. Wondering if I should have plugged them in first to test them?
2:13 PM Nov 21st from from web

Because this light hanging business is nothing short of a GIANT PAIN IN MY ASS.
2:13 PM Nov 21st from from web

I'm seriously thinking of defriending like, 10 people on Facebook. Is it is liberating as I think it might be?
4:59 PM Nov 21st from from web

Hah! I suggested defriending peeps on FB...guess who just got defriended? #dontgiveacrap #sooverit
6:04 PM Nov 21st from from web

Wearing my hair up in a French twist for the 1st time since I chopped it last fall. Looks great from the front but it's a hot mess in back.
6:41 PM Nov 21st from from web

Girl sat down sporting rhinestones, copious amts of eyeliner & a teased mullet. Apparently it's 1983 & I didn't get the memo. Or Halloween.
9:33 PM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

Saturday night. Sports bar with Sumo. UFC. #iveofficiallygrownapair
10:02 PM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

But am double fisting Diet Pepsi and vodka/Sugar Free Red bull so in some ways I'm still *all girl*
10:07 PM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

OMG - I know UFC isn't exactly a place for fashion tips but: so want a pink satin robe that says *bad ass* across the derriere....
10:08 PM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

UFC is horrifying, addictive, bloody, expensive, entertaining, disturbing and all kinds of I DON'T KNOW.
10:21 PM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

So this is just the warm up fight. These guys aren't *that good* Holy Hell.
10:24 PM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

WTF Joe Rogan? From News Radio to UFC???
10:35 PM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

Do we think the UFC announcer chose a brown suit, brown shirt and brown tie ON PURPOSE????
10:44 PM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

Random drunk girl in the ladies room asking me for Tums. WTF y'all??
11:27 PM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

So I didn't know that people still wore their hair *like that* *blondefrizzyteasedtowithinaninchofitslife
11:47 PM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

Does the crapload of beer I've had tonight count as carbo-loading for tomorrow's supposed long run?
11:49 PM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

Um.....the 80s called....they need their hair back. WTF?
12:36 AM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

Real men don't drink cosmos #justsayin
12:43 AM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

The Kaiser: Ink don't cover up ugly. Well said my friend. Well said.
1:09 AM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

Insanity Is Doing the Same Thing Over and Over and Not Involving Jello, Cream of (Blank) Soup And/Or Velveeta

2009-11-21T08:25:00.000-05:00

Every year, our local paper holds a recipe contest for their Annual Holiday Cookbook. Every year, I pour through my recipes - my personal-original-I created-them-from-scratch-because-I-am-a-serious-cook recipes - and I submit a few.

There are 4 categories to submit to and you are allowed to submit one recipe per category:

Desserts
Fruits and Vegetables
Main Dishes
Breads

My first year in town, I submitted 2 recipes: Brussels Slaw and Orange-Scented Mini Pumpkin Loaves with Golden Raisins and Cherries. I can't believe I have yet to write about my Brussels Slaw or share the recipe with you but in short this recipe will 1) dramatically change how you feel about Brussels sprouts 2) Convert even the most avowed Brussels sprout detester and 3) CHANGE YOUR LIFE FOREVER. You will seriously wonder: how did I ever survive before Country Girl's Brussels Slaw while you shovel it by the bucketload into your gaping maw. It is literally the most requested dish when friends and loved ones come to dinner. It's also a bitch to make which is why if I make it for you, you know I really love you. (Of course, I love all of YOU dear readers).

Anyways, my Brussels slaw was 1 of 5 finalist recipes in the Fruits and Veggies category. It ultimately lost to Spinach Souffle Madeleine which was a mild sting seeing as that recipe involved evaporated milk and Ritz crackers.

Side note: most vegetables around these parts arrive in casserole form and are essentially frozen and/or canned vegetables mixed together with copious amounts of dairy (cream of blank soup, mayo, Velveeta) and then bound together with bread crumbs or crumbled Ritz/Saltine crackers. Seriously y'all. As a chef and vegetable lover this offends me in ways I can not describe. File in Twitter under #unfoundedlevelsofapoplexy

Other finalists in this category involved Sugar Pea Casserole (involving canned peas, cream of mushroom soup, cheddar cheese, saltines), baked beans, and a squash and cheese pie. Actually - the last 2 I can hardly bitch about since they both appear to be "real recipes."

My pumpkin loaves were submitted as a Bread but somehow wound up in the Dessert category which is weird because the Bread category and Overall Grand Prize winner was a recipe for Cream Cheese Stuffed Apple Bread. Go figure. Also, there was a Layered Pumpkin Loaf as a finalist in the Bread category. Whatevs.

My biggest issue with the desserts was that someone submitted a recipe for Red Velvet Cheesecake which I am pretty sure was ripped from the pages of Food and Wine but then again, maybe not.

So that was Year 1.

Year 2 I submitted 4 recipes, 1 in each category. I was a finalist in ONE.

My Spiced Cranberry Conserve - which is essentially fresh cranberries cooked down with dried fruits and berries and lots of spices and which is OMG so flipping good - didn't even make the finals. You know what did? TWO-CAN CASSEROLE. No - I am not bitter. I am fucking beyond bitter. The category winner: Zesty Hot Holiday Broccoli Dip which is the delectable combination of Miracle Whip LIGHT, frozen broccoli, pimentos, and cheese. SERIOUSLY?

My Chicken Meatballs Stroganoff didn't make the finals either. And I've said it before: I have a knack for meatballs people. Veggie Lasagna using sauce FROM A JAR was the Main Dish category winner. Finalists included Apple Chicken (WTF?) and Eggplant Parmesan that includes (pauses for deep breath) MEAT. Excuse me while I step outside and hurl myself into oncoming traffic.

You know what else wasn't good enough to make the finals? My Apple Caramel Crunch Tart. You know what did make the finals? A Holiday Rum cake involving cake mix, instant pudding and rum. I can't find fault with the winner - Southern Brownie Tiramisu - so I'll shut up for a second.

The only one of my four recipes to even make the finals, were my Blue Corn Ricotta Muffins with Bacon. I lost out to Chocolate Bread with Hazelnut Spread and one of the other finalists was White Chocolate Blueberry Loaf. Seriously - my Pumpkin Loaves from the year before get treated as Dessert but these breads with Chocolate don't?

After last year's careful planning and epic failure, I flew by the seat of my pants this year. I submitted my Rise and Shine bars in the Dessert Category and my Four Seasons Stuffing in the bread category. The bars made it to the Finals, the stuffing didn't.

You know what won this year? The big Grand Prize? Jalapeno Jelly. Yes. This is what I am up against. Also? Somebody actually submitted a recipe for Green Bean Casserole (you know - the one on cans of French's Fried Onions EVERYWHERE) and there's one (although it didn't make the finals) for Doritos Casserole which seems so horrifying I won't even list the ingredients.

My bars lost out to a Golden Yam Cake but their picture did make it into the paper. Mine did not.

Anyways, every year it's the same cycle of excitement, anticipation, disappointment and then apoplexy. I am either throwing in the apron next year. Or busting out the cream of mushroom soup.

What do you think I should do? Dumb it down, stay true to form or just say fuck it and instead, cook YOU, my dear, lovely readers, a true Country Girl dinner.

PS - if you're interested in any recipes just leave me a comment and make sure to include your email. I have them all - I am just to damn lazy to hyperlink them. Oh -except the Brussels Slaw because that will make it into an upcoming round of Feed Me Fridays. If I am ever home long enough to cook a meal (says the girl who just had cold, Chinese leftovers for breakfast). Sigh.

Twitchy Woman

2009-11-18T07:00:00.000-05:00

Y'all - seriously? What the Hell did we do before Twitter? Last week, I was stuck in 8 hours of mind-numbing, soul-sucking, spirit-crushing CPE because apparently, while I am not an accountant, I had the pleasure of playing one in my own personal living Hell. Do you know what I did for 8 mind-numbing, soul-sucking, spirit-crushing hours (besides bug The Kaiser incessantly and ask him to keep me entertained as in DANCE MONKEY BOY - DANCE FOR ME NOW!!)? I Twitched. Yes that is so a word. I know because I made it up. Twitch = Bitch + Tweet and it's nothing short of genius. Who the Hell is in charge of making up new words? Webster? Oxford? Whoever it is should totally give me a call.

Anyways, I Twitched a shitload. For the full transcript, check out My Week In Tweets but here's a small smattering:

Just learned where malpractice lawsuits come from. Not nearly as thrilling as where babies come from. Or mold spores.
10:26 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

10:58? It's only 10:58? My watch must be broken.
10:57 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

2 minutes til lunch and we're learning about the Theory of Deepening Insolvency. Hold me people. Hold me.
11:58 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

COOKIES!!!!
2:03 PM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

Crap. Kept thinking I was done in 1 hour and 5 minutes. It's *2* hours and 5 minutes. FML.
2:40 PM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

Thrilling stuff - I know.

Anyways as I kept sending out all of my anger and frustration to the Twitterverse, I seriously wondered what did we do B.T. (Before Twitter)? Who did we complain to? Who did we cry to? Who did we boast to? Where did we direct our questions? Who told us whether to wear our hair up or our hair down? With whom did we share the mundane details of our quotidian existence? Who told us what to download to our iPod? Or what books to read? Where did we self-promote? Where did we discover new things? Where did we get to vent? If we needed to know whether to paint our toes Gossip or Flirt - who did we ask?

For me personally Twitter is like Google with a Zoloft chaser and a giant ~~box~~ glass of wine shared with a close girlfriend. It's actually pretty fucking genius.

Anyways, then I went a step further in my analysis (because OMG I was so fucking bored there was nothing better to do than to analyze my Twitter use) and realized that while Twitter has 1001 uses, I am rarely a happy girl on Twitter. I am usually more inclined to Twitch, bitch, moan or groan than I am to celebrate, praise, or do anything remotely positive. Except pimp my blog. I am always happy to pimp ITAC on Twitter. This was confirmed when I plunked my handle into Analyze Words and I got an actual, legitimate analysis of my Tweets. Here's what Analyze Words has to say about Rougie (based on my most recent 1923 words):

My Emotional Style is primarily Worried (I scored 84 - Very High) and Depressed (I scored 64 - High). I attribute this to the fact that I've had a freak wasp infestation on account of the unseasonably warm weather and so yeah - large, buzzing, stinging insects flitting about my house are making me a wee bit stabby. And who better to share this stabbiness with than my loving followers (and a crapload of porn bots). I was Averagely Angry (I only scored a 58) and when it came to being Upbeat, I was Low with a 27. For the record - last week I was Depressed and Angry as opposed to Depressed and Worried. I didn't have a wasp problem last week and I can't recall what was making me so damn Angry. I guess the Depression is consistent. I'll chalk that one up to the fact that I don't sleep.

The good news is that when it comes to my Social Style, I am highly Personable (71) and not at all Arrogant/Distant (26). I don't know how I feel about being told I am semi Spacy/Valley Girl (like - I totally scored a 48 fer sure). And I was frankly a little shocked to discover that I am not a total failure when it comes to being Plugged In (50).

I don't know what to make of the analysis of my Thinking Style: Analytic (56-Average), Sensory (65-High), and In-the-Moment (51-Average). Any thoughts? (PS Harmzie - sweet little enginerd love of my life - can you graph this perhaps?)

So yeah. According to Twitter I am essentially an unhappy and miserable chalerie. Which couldn't be farther from the truth. Really. Are you people aware of how much I exercise? Are you aware of the endorphins COURSING through my body on a daily basis? To quasi-quote Alicia Silverstone from Clueless: people on endorphin highs HAVE TO BE HAPPY. It's like a law or something. So fine. I haven't had sex in - oh wait. That's a totally different post. (Sigh) Anyways - I am not a depressed shrew. Really. So my goal over the next week is to Susie Sunshine the fuck out of Twitter and come across as an upbeat God Damn Pollyanna. If. It. Kills. Me. :-)

Anyways - just wondering dear readers - how has Twitter changed your life and what did you do B.T.?

For Realz, Yo!

2009-11-16T07:00:00.000-05:00

I have tried, on occasion, to explain my "online" friends to people but they sort of look at me like I am mildly insane and Oh Gee Country Girl - are you so lonely/desperate/hard up that you have resorted to making friends on the internetweblogosphere?

Well...when you put it like that...Except wait. This is not 1990. Chat rooms are a distant memory (right - someone please tell me that chat rooms are indeed a distant memory). Social networking is mainstream. And I can point to at least 3 couples in my life who met through online dating services. So yeah - I have strictly Interwebs friends - what of it?

I forget how it all started exactly. I think that Harmzie found Dad through Rude Cactus and then she discovered me via dad on Twitter and started reverse stalking me. She introduced me to Nenette - who is her actual IRL BFF. I don't recall where ModernMatriarch came in but she did - and with a martini-mixing, cookie-baking, sharp-tongued vengeance.

It started out small: a comment on a blog post. The occasional reply on Twitter. Then we went to the next level: drunk Tweeting and freebie lists (and drunk Tweeting about freebie lists). Then we became friends on Facebook. Then emails were exchanged. Real names were divulged. Addresses were shared and baked goods were sent.

I've never met these women in person. I haven't even talked to them on the phone. Nonetheless, I consider them my friends without equivocation.

We've discussed meeting up and getting together before. And it always seems like a good idea but we're rather scattered to the far corners, there are jobs and children to think about, competing busy schedules, where would we possibly meet that's convenient and oh yeah one of us in Canada did not have a passport until recently (not mentioning names ~~cough Harmzie~~) which meant unless we all wanted to freeze our ta-tas off in Winnipeg, we had to wait for said enginerd to get her paperwork in order. Which she did. Finally.

And then last week ModernMatriarch sent an email asking us if we were going to Blogher 2010 and suggesting that if we weren't, why didn't we consider getting together IRL for realz, yo! Her timing was impeccable because less than 24 hours later we had a city (Chicago), a date (Feb 5 - 7), and we were well on our way to booking a hotel room.

THEN...ModernMatriarch invited her IRL friend and fellow blogger Cass Just Curious to join and then she got really crazy and she invited the whole damn Twitterverse. Well - her Twitterverse which includes nearly 300 followers and then Harmzie ReTweeted to her 261 followers and I ReTweeted to my 40 followers (and 130 Pornbots) and suddenly, to quote ModernMatriarch: It's about to get Broughten. By Us. Chi-Town watch out.

I have no idea where we stand at headcount. I doubt we displace BlogHer but I know we're going to need more than 2 hotel rooms. And overall I think it's pretty fucking amazing and I for one Can. Not. Wait.

And if you don't think that the Internetweblogosphere is a pretty amazing place, I'll totally kiss your...

My Week In Tweets: November 8 - November 14

2009-11-15T12:20:00.001-05:00

I am tired and have no patience ergo I should not be at Wal-Mart.
1:00 PM Nov 8th from UberTwitter

But thank you Universe for this choice parking spot.
1:01 PM Nov 8th from UberTwitter

And that's it for the #48....3 laps in....
3:36 PM Nov 8th from web

I don't know what's worse - the #48 being out or the #18 being in the lead and going for the Texas Speedway trifecta?
4:15 PM Nov 8th from web

Flies are one thing but a WASP INFESTATION? IN NOVEMBER? You've got to be kidding me. FML.
4:20 PM Nov 8th from web

Fuck - somewhere there's a partially injured wasp limping around my house. CAN. NOT. DEAL. SERIOUSLY. WASPS?????
4:35 PM Nov 8th from web

For crap's sake - I am pulling my cashmere sweaters out of storage. AND killing wasps?? That's just wrong....
4:36 PM Nov 8th from web

Injured Wasp will now be known as Flushed-Down-The-Toilet-Decapitated-Wasp.
5:03 PM Nov 8th from web

Humphrey Bogart as Sam Spade is a total badass. #maltesefalcon #timemachinefreebies
6:44 PM Nov 8th from UberTwitter

I am tired of waiting for this day to end. Therefore - I am going to bed. #mondaycantcomesoonenough
8:19 PM Nov 8th from web

I am trying to keep a positive attitude. However a giant wasp in my kitchen before 7:30am is not helping.
7:51 AM Nov 9th from web

Heard crying outside the door - thought it was the local stray...opened the door and....
12:28 PM Nov 9th from web

BIRD caught between my real door and the outer door. How? Cause my screen is shredded to shit.
12:28 PM Nov 9th from web

Result? I SCREAMED and slammed the door. No bird in the house but still an avian issue to deal with....FML
12:29 PM Nov 9th from web

Ok - bird managed to fly out of the same hole he flew into but Holy Hell y'all - that freaked me out!
12:31 PM Nov 9th from web

You know what's not attractive at the gym? Ass crack. Actually - that's not attractive anywhere.
5:36 PM Nov 9th from UberTwitter

Insomnia. Might. Be. The. Death. Of. Me.
1:49 AM Nov 10th from UberTwitter

I swear if I don't start sleeping through the night I'm going to collapse into a weepy, useless heap of utter exhasution. #cripplinginsomina
6:12 AM Nov 10th from web

Sleep deprivation has driven me to the unthinkable i.e. caffeinated coffee. You have been warned that I MIGHT BE A LITTLE MANIC later.
7:54 AM Nov 10th from UberTwitter

Also? I might have 87 panic attacks and feel like my heart is going to JUMP OUT OF MY CHEST but #cripplinginsomnia has left me no choice.
7:56 AM Nov 10th from UberTwitter

Possible cures for insomnia: drugs, acupuncture, herbs, a sleep study or hiring someone to repeatedly smash my head w/ a croquet mallet.
8:24 AM Nov 10th from UberTwitter

Heart is racing, talking a mile a minute but eyelids still droopy and may keel over. #wrongeffectsofcaffeine
9:01 AM Nov 10th from UberTwitter

Ack. Presentation at 3:30. Working on opening remarks NOW. Lunch with an attorney in between. #procrastination
10:43 AM Nov 10th from UberTwitter

Lunch at Pietown may have not been a bright idea. Yummy yes - but major fear of public speaking + pizza = not-so-pretty....Crap.
12:02 PM Nov 10th from UberTwitter

Any tips for overcoming my fear of public speaking before 3pm? Other than to picture the audience naked?
12:02 PM Nov 10th from UberTwitter

Oh Ida - you're fucking up an otherwise very good hair day......
2:01 PM Nov 10th from UberTwitter

Hotel bar. Convention time. Choking on the testosterone and Rogaine. #gag #gag
8:54 PM Nov 10th from UberTwitter

8 hours of continuing ed. Cuz I work for an accouting firm. Awesome. #shootmenow #prettyplease #prettyplease
8:10 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

Can't discuss what I have consumed foodwise so far today. And it's NOT EVEN 9am.
8:43 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

I am not an accountant. But apparently I play one in my own personal living Hell.
9:04 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

The irony is - I have an utter crapload of *actual* work to do today. FML.
9:05 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

1 hour down. 7 to go. It's going to be a loooooooooooooooong day.
9:07 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

Just learned where malpractice lawsuits come from. Not nearly as thrilling as where babies come from. Or mold spores.
10:26 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

10:58? It's only 10:58? My watch must be broken.
10:57 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

Just snagged an invite to CPE in charleston on Friday. Cuz I rock. At least I don't have to stay for all 8 hours.
11:17 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

2 minutes til lunch and we're learning about the Theory of Deepening Insolvency. Hold me people. Hold me.
11:58 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

Cut lunch short by 15 minutes so we could end early by 15 minutes. Thank God for small favors.
12:40 PM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

RT @ruthakers: I like my hangovers like I like my 1 night stands: Short. Sweet. To the point. And gone by the time I wake up in the morning.
1:39 PM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

Me, @Harmzie and @ModernMatriarch in Chicago? In real life? OMG. OMFG.
1:43 PM Nov 11th from UberTwitter in reply to Harmzie

COOKIES!!!!
2:03 PM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

Crap. Kept thinking I was done in 1 hour and 5 minutes. It's *2* hours and 5 minutes. FML.
2:40 PM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

ACK! Crackberry @ 25% and I have more than an hour left.....
3:17 PM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

1 hour left and then this never ending day ends.
3:45 PM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

Actually - that's a lie. Get to drive home in a rain-soaked rush hour, unpack, repack, and get on the road @ 7am tomorrow. Wheee.
3:50 PM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

The next 30 minutes will surely be the longest 30 minutes of my life.
4:16 PM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

Rainy days just SCREAM Chinese take-out. Really.
7:17 PM Nov 11th from web

I am so brain dead I suspect I will pack 2 pairs of PJs and forget shoes. Or my bra. Or both.
8:08 PM Nov 11th from web

How much fried rice is too much? I mean - those Chinese dinner combo things are meant for 1 - right?
9:12 PM Nov 11th from web

I officially dub I-26 "Interstate Asshats With Small Penises and Big Cars."
10:31 AM Nov 12th from UberTwitter

It feels like a cruel trick of nature that I actually slept last night, and yet I am so tired I might keel over.
4:18 PM Nov 12th from web

Yes hotel peeps - I went wandering down the hall looking *like this* in search of Diet Coke just for you. Cuz I love you like that.
6:16 AM Nov 13th from web

And I just picked up 2 more followers. Was it the smudged eyeliner? The inside out sweater? The Roseanna Danna hair? The torn PJs?
6:21 AM Nov 13th from web

I wonder if people can tell how dirty my hair is or if they'll just think it's *shiny*
9:25 AM Nov 13th from web

Wondering if Diet Coke at a 10am meeting sends the wrong message?
9:59 AM Nov 13th from UberTwitter

Like that I am 20 and in college and not a 30-something Director of______.
10:03 AM Nov 13th from UberTwitter

Note to self: when in a room with "Ss" and "Cs" don't be such a damn "I"
10:40 AM Nov 13th from UberTwitter

Holding out for chikfila the same way Bonnie Tyler was holding out for a hero.
12:13 PM Nov 13th from UberTwitter

On a quest for chikfila in downtown columbia during lunch rush. Am desperate, insane or both.
12:49 PM Nov 13th from UberTwitter

Apparently my cat is *too good* for his litter box. Apparently blue shag carpet circa 1973 is more his style. FML.
3:11 PM Nov 13th from UberTwitter

Apparently dumping half a bottle of carpet cleaner on my cat's new choice of toilet bowl was a dumb idea.
3:34 PM Nov 13th from web

It's like an episode of Three's Company - the entire carpet is foaming up and momentarily the room will be swallowed by suds.
3:35 PM Nov 13th from web

Joy. My entire house now smells like toxic, pet odor killing chemicals. (Dear Cat: I HATE you right now. Xo Mama)
3:56 PM Nov 13th from UberTwitter

Holy Hell I am EPICALLY klutzy tonight. EPICALLY.
6:35 PM Nov 13th from web

RT @ModernMatriarch: Ok, so who lives near/in Chicago? B/c it's about to be BROUGHTEN by me, @harmzie, @rougeneck, & @casscomerford in Feb!!
7:03 PM Nov 13th from UberTwitter

Getting my picture taken for the local paper. Probably would have been a good idea to have washed my hair SINCE MONDAY.
9:21 AM Nov 14th from web

Photog: snaps pic, looks at it, says "good enough." Me: That's *comforting*
9:50 AM Nov 14th from UberTwitter

RT @mrlady: You know what twitter needs? A trending violence unsilenced tag. I spoke out will you? http://violenceunsilenced.com #vu
10:04 AM Nov 14th from UberTwitter

Is it me or are Hummers the most OBNOXIOUS car EVAH?
10:25 AM Nov 14th from UberTwitter

Here's the problem with the elliptical: no matter how fast I go, I still have the same amount of time to finish.
11:07 AM Nov 14th from UberTwitter

Waiting for Sumo. It's awkward being single girl at a sports bar on a Saturday night. Tres, tres awkward.
7:08 PM Nov 14th from UberTwitter

OMFG - man just TOPPLED off his barstool. Not sure if drunk or heart attack or what but scary....he's not moving....
7:39 PM Nov 14th from UberTwitter

Ok - he's moving and up.......phew.....
7:40 PM Nov 14th from UberTwitter

Is it wrong that at 34 I'm still *mildly scared* by the Wicked Witch of the West in the Wizard of Oz?
9:52 PM Nov 14th from web

And by *mildly scared* I mean *changing the channel like NOW!*
9:53 PM Nov 14th from web

My solution to the toxic cat urine smell emanating from upstairs? More apple Cinnamon room spray. #cantfuckingdealwithkittylovecanal
10:18 PM Nov 14th from web

What most people don't realize about Hitchcock's Rope is that it was shot in 1 fucking take YO!
10:20 PM Nov 14th from web

In re-reading this, I don't know whether to be amused or frightened by how my twisted mind works sometimes...

#FridayFail

2009-11-13T19:35:00.004-05:00

File the following in Twitter under #FridayFail:

#FridayFail #1

I left my house at 7am on Tuesday. With the exception of a 13 hour stint Wednesday night/Thursday morning that mainly involved me unpacking, repacking, and sleeping - I wasn't home until 4pm today. As a result, my poor cat hates me and he's decided to show me by choosing to pee all over the circa-1972 shag blue carpet instead of his spiffy, fancy litter box. FML.

My solution to walking into a house that smelled like cat urine? To dump half a bottle of Woolite Carpet Cleaner (especially designed to remove pet odors) onto the carpet.

Result? It was like an episode of Three's Company and the room upstairs that houses Sebastian's litter box is now submerged in suds. And Mr. Roper is trying to evict me.

Also? For a while my house smelled like Love Canal i.e. TOXIC. Now some of the Love Canal smell has died off but apparently my cat has some kind of mystical urine because OMG now that stench is back. So it's like a cat-urine-soaked Love Canal upstairs. LOVERLY.

#FridayFail #2

Remember my Rise 'N Shine Bars? That heavenly concoction of butter, sugar, more sugar and more butter? Well every year our local paper hosts a recipe contest for the Holiday Cookbook and every year I submit a recipe (or 4) and every year at least one recipe makes the finals and every year I lose and I thought this year would be different because the Rise 'N Shine Bars are OFF THE HOOK YO but...OMFG. Apparently 3 sticks of melted butter is TOO MUCH DAMN MELTED BUTTER because the bars I just pulled from the oven are a melted buttery mess and not at all like the caramelized sugary gooey pile I pulled last time and I blame my schizo oven but OMG I have to submit these tomorrow to the peeps at the paper for tasting and judging and while I am sure I can scrounge some decent bars from the middle (not submerged in a giant pile of melted butter) this recipe is so not publishable then again what am I bitching about because the woman who won last year won on SOMEONE ELSE'S RECIPE so yeah. Breathe Country Girl. Breathe.

#FridayFail #3

I am apparently an epic klutz tonight. I mean EPIC. In pulling the container of oats from the shelf the top pulled loose and oats spilled EVERYWHERE. Then in trying to clean them up I stepped on the plastic dustpan and BROKE IT. And then I knocked over a bottle of olive oil on my counter. AND NO - I HAD NOT HAD ANY WINE WHEN THIS HAPPENED.

So yeah...it feels like a big ol' #FridayFail today. Oh wait - it's fucking Friday the 13th isn't it? Explains Everything.

Excuse me. I'm going to go pour another glass of wine and finish watching the Maltese Falcon and hope this #FridayFail comes to an end.

Tossing and Turning

2009-11-12T07:00:00.002-05:00

I have never been much of a sleeper. As a baby, I don't think I slept through the night until I was a 18 months old (yes all of you mothers out there can promptly faint in horror), and as a small child, I had tremendous trouble napping any time I was going to be out late (Yankee game, theater, etc.) although nowadays I'd personally like to adopt a European culture that involves wine with lunch and siestas daily. But that's another post.

I first developed insomnia in 6th Grade. Yes - you read that right. 6th Grade. I was probably 11 or 12 and the way I recall it (because truth be told the way "I recall things" is not always the "way they actually happened") mom let me stay up an extra 30 minutes one Monday night to watch Kate and Allie. I watched TV instead of reading (which was my usual pre-bedtime ritual) and then I couldn't sleep. And then I was up until all hours and of course at that age, insomnia is nothing but panic inducing terror. Scratch that - insomnia is panic inducing terror at any age. Anyways, one sleepless night turned into another turned into another turned into me going to see a ~~quack~~ doctor to solve the problem which turned me into a sleepwalker (hey - at least I was sleeping) which turned into me no longer going to see said ~~quack~~ doctor which turned into me needing a note on our 6th Grade trip to Blairstown telling Ms. Melvoin and Sra. Muslin that I suffered from insomnia. File in Twitter under #highmaintenancemuch.

Eventually the insomnia ended and I moved on and started sleeping again. But over the years it's shown its ugly face on occasion - usually during times of extreme stress - and every time it leaves me feeling the same way (besides utterly exhausted): panicked and frustrated.

Well - guess who recently decided to pay Country Girl a visit? That's right - my good buddy THERE WILL BE NO REST FOR YOU MISSY! Sigh. And oh yeah FML.

Once upon a time, I tried to make peace with insomnia. As an adult I simply said: Fuck it. If you don't sleep 1 or 2 nights - no big deal. You work from home (when you're not on the road traveling). You've got autonomy with your schedule (i.e. you can sleep in late assuming you don't have a call or meeting in the morning). If you're up from 2am - 5am - who gives a shit? Well kids, that's all fine and dandy 1 or 2 nights but try multiple nights. In a row. Eventually exhaustion overcomes you and all you want to do. Is. Sleep. Like Rip Van Winkle.

It's stress related. No doubt. I won't argue there. I am under tremendous stress right now and there's simply nothing I can do about it. And whenever I wake up in the middle of the night to pee (because OMG I drink 14,000 beverages a day AND I have a teacup sized bladder made of tissue paper) I crawl back into bed and then I start to think. About work. About life. I write blog posts in my head (this one has been written several times). I think about family. Friends. I plan. I worry. I fret. My cat decides that I am the perfect human jungly gym and climbs all over me. Whatever it is - the voices in my head WON'T SHUT THE FUCK UP and suddenly I've been awake for 20 minutes and then I become hyper conscious of that fact and then I start to panic and then 3 HOURS LATER I AM STILL AWAKE.

I've tried herbal tea. Warm milk. Turkey (for the tryptophan). I bought some kind of herbal sleep spray at Earth Fare. The woman assured me that 2 - 3 squirts when I woke up and I'd be back asleep in 10 minutes. I said: Don't tell me that because if I DON'T fall asleep in 10 minutes I'll panic and feel like ~~an asshole~~ a failure. She told me: Ok - 15 minutes tops. She lied. I've tried counting backwards from 100. Meditating. Deep breathing and relaxation techniques. Nothing. Works.

100 years ago (which was the last time I suffered from THIS SOUL-SUCKING PLAGUE) I got a prescription for Ambien. It worked. Kinda. But the thing is, my problem isn't falling asleep. These days I crawl into bed at 9:30, read 2 pages of my book, and promptly conk out. Nope - it's the whole "waking up in the middle of the night and then not being about to DROWN OUT THE EXTREMELY LOUD VOICES IN MY HEAD" thing. That's the problem. And popping an Ambien at 3am doesn't help. It only leaves me feeling hungover and even more tired when I am up three and a half hours later.

The same girl who assured me that spraying a combination of aesculus hippocastanum ("relief from repetitive thoughts"), helianthemum nummularium ("adds courage and presence of mind in the face of adversity"), clematis vitalba ("helps give focus when you are not grounded in reality"), impatiens glandulifera ("helps you cope calmly and patiently with irritating problems or people"), prunus cerasifera ("helps you act rationally and think clearly with a calm and balanced mind when you feel you are losing control"), ornithogalum umbellatum ("softens the impact of shock or fright") and 27% alcohol (oh wait - that's listed as an inactive ingredient) would knock me out the same way Benadryl does, also suggested that my problem might be my liver (Hah!). Seriously though - if you believe in Chinese medicine your liver is where you hold all of your anger and hatred and in general all the negative crap in your life and from 2am - 4am is when your liver dumps. So I guess at 2am all of the negativity I cling to goes coursing through my body and that's why I am so fucking tired. If that's the case:

Dear Liver: LEAVE ME ALONE. YOU'RE MAKING ME STABBY. WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU? BESIDES THAT NIGHT IN CANCUN ON SPRING BREAK MY FRESHMAN YEAR. AND LAST TUESDAY.

So yeah. I am tired. More like exhausted. I don't remember the last time I slept through the night on consecutive nights. I think the day I flew to NY and back in the same 13-hour period, exhaustion won the battle and my body bitchslapped my overactive mind but in general, these days, nothing helps.

The way I see it, I have 2 choices: drugs or find someone to hit me repeatedly over the head with a croquet mallet. And frankly, neither is appealing.

Tell me darlings: what keeps you up at night?

No - I DON'T Want To Be YOUR Friend

2009-11-10T07:00:00.003-05:00

My good friend ModernMatriarch did a fantabulous job guest posting on some of the evils of Facebook however there is a subject she did not touch on that I am passionate about: Friend Requests. Here's a clue people:

* If you and I have NEVER EVER MET and HAVE ZERO MUTUAL FRIENDS, I don't want to be your friend on Facebook. Seriously - how did you ever find me?

* Just because you and I have 3 or 5 or even 8 mutual friends but we have never met, I don't want to be your friend on Facebook.

* If you come to town to take me to dinner but then get drunk on the Lake and forget to tell me where to meet you, I don't want to be your friend on Facebook.

* If you've "seen me around town" and "know who I am" but your friend request has me scratching my head as in "Who the fuck are you dude," I don't want to be your friend on Facebook.

* If we work together, I don't want to be your friend on Facebook.

* If I already defriended you ONCE, I definitely don't want to be your friend on Facebook.

My problem is not the requests themselves - although some of them do tend to make me wonder. Just because someone wants to be my friend, it doesn't mean I have to accept. But ever since I heard that if you press the ignore button on a friend request that person can still refriend you and then somehow backdoor their way into your Facebook (or so says a friend of mine who happens to have over 1,100 friends on Facebook so I figure she's some kind of authority), I just leave the ones I don't want to be friends with in purgatory. And while this shouldn't be a big deal, I have ~~mild~~ OCD like you would not believe and to see these unanswered requests piling up DRIVES ME FUCKING BATTY.

So I propose some kind of rule - like if a person doesn't accept your friend request within a month, then ~~GET A FUCKING CLUE~~ the request is automatically removed and can not be resubmitted. Seriously. Is that too much to ask?

What are your thoughts on random Facebook Friend Requests dear readers??

ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME

2009-11-09T07:00:00.006-05:00

I am a Leo. My ruling planet is the Sun. Do you know how I am sure of these things? Because I pretty much need to be the center of attention. Always. ALWAYS.

It gets worse. I was born on The Day of Validation. Apparently this exacerbates my affliction because no matter how great I feel about myself, no matter what I accomplish, no matter how much I feel like a badass, I always need someone else to validate it. It seems my inner strength is not quite strong enough and requires a helping hand to prop it up.

Why am I sharing this with you? Because I had such a bad case of ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME the other day that I hurt someone I care about and I have been eaten alive by shame and horror ever since. And it's as much for how much I hurt this friend as for the version of me that I saw staring back from the mirror. She was ugly. She was weak. She was needy. She was so desperate for attention that she turned into a hate-filled, insult slinging chaleria. I didn't recognize her. And what's worse - I didn't particularly care for her.

This isn't exactly a new issue for me. I am well aware of my need for attention, of my need to be validated, of my need to be complimented and praised, and of my need to be at the CENTER OF EVERYTHING. It's one of those life issues that I just keep chipping away at and while I've sowed the seeds of self-esteem, I got a rather late start and so at 34, they are still young and tender.

I try to be patient as the roots of my self-esteem take hold and plant themselves firmly in my psyche. I try to remember that Rome wasn't built in a day. That patience is a virtue. That time wounds all heels.

When I do have moments of actual self-confidence, I feel amazing. I feel incredible. And I think to myself: Oh Country Girl: isn't this the greatest feeling in the world? Keep at it sugar because it is so rewarding and YOU DESERVE IT!!!

But then I have a bad day. Or something frustrates me. Or someone doesn't return a text fast enough for my liking. Or someone doesn't tell me that I look pretty. And then it's like: HEY UNIVERSE: LOOK AT ME. YOO HOO - OVER HERE! ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME!

There's no doubt I am a work in progress and the good news is, I am taking more steps forward then I am taking backwards. Still, I am not perfect. In fact I am far from it. Sometimes my demons rear their ugly little heads and when they do, it disheartens me and frankly, leaves me feeling rather shitty.

To my friend who I hurt, I am sorry. More sorry than you will ever know. And while actions speak louder than words, hopefully these words (and my throwing myself on a very public sword) will go a ~~long~~ little ways to healing the hurt and repairing the damage.

As for you my darling readers: have you ever come face to face with the worst version of yourself? How do you deal with your inner demons?

My Week In Tweets: November 1 - November 7

2009-11-08T08:20:00.001-05:00

How much caffeine is required to prevent one from actually dying from exhaustion??
6:16 AM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

Dear family: I apologize in advance for my chipped flourescent fuschia manicure and the rat's nest on my head masquerading as hair.
7:14 AM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

Upside of there & back in 1 day? No luggage therefore no need to join the mad stampede onto the plane. The downside? There & back in 1 day.
7:41 AM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

Oh Howard Schultz. Thank you, thank you, thank you for inventing Starbucks. I worship at your shrine right now.
7:53 AM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

Things that tell time but don't automatically reflect the time change are confusing the Hell out of me. I landed 30mins early, not 1hr late.
9:58 AM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

Why is there never a Starbucks when you need one? Aren't they supposed to be *everywhere*?
10:00 AM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

There's a reason why there are no Jewish soap operas. That's cuz every single drama filled moment is our ongoing real life soap opera. Oyvey
12:32 PM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

Are there any Jews who have a sense of direction?
12:50 PM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

I get no alcohol. But no caffeine? Are you people trying to kill me?????
1:42 PM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

Can anyone update me on Talladega? NY bartender just laughed when I politely asked if we could turn the Jets game to the Race.
3:10 PM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

Just my luck. Desperate to get home early. Waiting for standby. On a full flipping flight. Please universe....get me on the 5:05. PLEASE.
4:22 PM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

Flying standby feels so humiliating. It's like - can you smell how desperate I am to make this flight?
4:31 PM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

Does Rumplestiltskin work for UsAir? Cuz I'd totally promise him my first born child to get on this flight.
4:32 PM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

Channelling Dorothy: "There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home." Think it will work?
4:34 PM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

Crap. There's an awful lot of people waiting to board this flight. I don't feel encouraged.
4:43 PM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

THANK YOU! Last one of the 5:05. Now the tears I weep will be tears of joy! #theresnoplacelikehome
4:50 PM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

Longest. Day. Ever. And it's not even 8pm.....
7:16 PM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

Really Phillies? Hitting A-Road AGAIN???
8:27 PM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

13 hours and 31 minutes: Door to airport to NY to airport to Door. I'll venture a guess that's it less than 10 minutes from sofa to bed.
8:34 PM Nov 1st from web

Spreadsheets. Blergh.
3:18 PM Nov 2nd from UberTwitter

Choice a) Entire bottle of Advil Choice b) smash head on desk repeatedly Choice c) move to Mazatlan Choice d) it's 5 oclock somewhere right?
4:02 PM Nov 2nd from UberTwitter

Can you stab a spreadsheet? CAN YOU????????
4:57 PM Nov 2nd from UberTwitter

Hot Tamales and Shiraz might be the best candy/wine combo ever...
7:36 PM Nov 2nd from web

Utley. Crap.
8:17 PM Nov 2nd from UberTwitter

I'll say it: I hate Utley. There. It's out in the open now.
9:09 PM Nov 2nd from UberTwitter

Buh-bye Burnett.........
9:10 PM Nov 2nd from UberTwitter

It's looking like Susan Boyle for the Yankees i.e. not too pretty....
9:34 PM Nov 2nd from web

Apparently I have a randomly new freckle above my right eyebrow that looks like I've been branded with a Bic pen. Sweet.
10:25 PM Nov 2nd from web

Just discovered the J. Crew clearance store in Asheville. In other news - I'll be eating Ramen and tuna fish for the next 2 months.
2:14 PM Nov 3rd from UberTwitter

It's my last night with Sumo and The Kaiser for a week. It plans to be a doozie....
7:18 PM Nov 3rd from UberTwitter

Me: My pants are feeling snug. Sumo: So take them off. Me: *smacks head* Walked into that one.....
7:34 PM Nov 3rd from UberTwitter

Me: Kim Basinger is an overrated actress. The Kaiser: Yeah - but she's got some dandy tickets. Me: *smacks head again*
9:57 PM Nov 3rd from UberTwitter

The Kaiser just tried to teach me how to do a pose down. #runandhide
10:15 PM Nov 3rd from web

Sigh. Really y'all - sigh.
10:15 PM Nov 3rd from web

My gorgeous new shoes hurt like a bey-otch. Think it's a sign I shouldn't have purchased them?
9:55 AM Nov 4th from web

No matter. I will work through the pain because that's the kind of girl I am. And? Because they are GORGEOUS.
9:56 AM Nov 4th from web

I will never stop saying this: STUPIDITY MAKES ME STABBY.
1:47 PM Nov 4th from web

How is that these people have survived? Isn't there a law of natural selection?
1:48 PM Nov 4th from web

Apparently the universe has it in for me today. You know what universe? Suck it.
1:51 PM Nov 4th from web

I'd like to find something positive to say about insurance. I can't.
2:07 PM Nov 4th from web

So my concussion from FOUR MONTHS AGO is still biting me in the ass. STILL.
2:17 PM Nov 4th from web

Being interviewed by a scary claims adjustor. And when I say scary I mean HOLY HELL OMG HOLD ME NOW scary.
3:33 PM Nov 4th from web

My 4yo nephew just called to tell me he's excited to cook Thanksgiving dinner with me. #meltmyheart
7:56 PM Nov 4th from UberTwitter

When discussing the menu though, I swear he asked if there would be sushi. Either sushi or turkey - I'm not sure - I don't speak 4yo.
7:57 PM Nov 4th from UberTwitter

Either way he's the coolest little dude ever!
7:57 PM Nov 4th from UberTwitter

Double play - now that's what I'm talkin about!
8:02 PM Nov 4th from UberTwitter

SUCK IT PHILLIES!!!!!
8:34 PM Nov 4th from UberTwitter

That's right: load the bases with 1 out and A-Rod up. Suck it you son of a motherless goat!!!!!
9:01 PM Nov 4th from UberTwitter

I LOVE the determined look on Matsui's face.
9:05 PM Nov 4th from UberTwitter

Who's your daddy Pedro? Who? Oh - Hideki Matsui......
9:08 PM Nov 4th from UberTwitter

Chase Utley can bite me.
9:33 PM Nov 4th from UberTwitter

Hell yeah DOUBLE PLAY! Suck it Phillies!!!!!
9:42 PM Nov 4th from UberTwitter

SCORE!!!!!!!!!
9:49 PM Nov 4th from UberTwitter

How many times has A-Rod been beaned? Four? And on a full count? #suckitphilliessuckit
9:52 PM Nov 4th from UberTwitter

There's no crying in baseball!
10:14 PM Nov 4th from UberTwitter

So I totally forgot just how much driving in rush hour traffic blows big bags of donkey balls.
7:59 AM Nov 5th from UberTwitter

8 minutes parked on the exit ramp. I see another 8 minutes in my future. FML.
8:04 AM Nov 5th from UberTwitter

And to all of you A-Holes NOT waiting in line and passing on the left and sneaking in last minute? Suck it.
8:06 AM Nov 5th from UberTwitter

What kills me more is that this traffic is going to kill my chances of finding parking.
8:10 AM Nov 5th from UberTwitter

So networking without cocktails is not nearly as much fun as networking with cocktails.
8:56 AM Nov 5th from UberTwitter

I am hell bent on making these new ballet flats *work for me* Not working yet which might explain the look of sheer pain on my face.
11:39 AM Nov 5th from UberTwitter

What kind of asshole walks into a Caribou toting a Venti from Starbucks? Oh - the one who just sat down RIGHT NEXT TO ME.
12:07 PM Nov 5th from UberTwitter

I am so flipping hungry I could eat a cow. Good thing I am having lunch at Ruth's Chris. #callmeacarnivore #lovesbutter
12:28 PM Nov 5th from UberTwitter

The smell of butter and beef has me weak-kneed......
12:49 PM Nov 5th from UberTwitter

Someone in Iran Googled *sxy hors donkey daughter* and found me. I don't quite know how to react to that...
5:27 PM Nov 5th from web

Dear Universe: You can stop kicking me in the nuts now. Thanks.
5:58 PM Nov 5th from UberTwitter

Times like this I wish I had a punching bag b/c I want to POUND THE EVER LOVING SHIT OUT OF SOMETHING.
6:35 PM Nov 5th from UberTwitter

*sedation dentistry* there's a concept I can wrap my arms around and cuddle up to on a cold night.
6:55 PM Nov 5th from UberTwitter

Watching the blonde stripper who had sex w/ Josh Duhamel be interviewed on TV. Can't tell which is the stripper & which is the interviewer.
7:16 PM Nov 5th from UberTwitter

45 minutes on the elliptical and I am a half step closer to sanity. The next half step will definitely involve wine.
7:21 PM Nov 5th from UberTwitter

Rejuvenated furnace + shiraz = 1 calmed down and dare I say *happy* Rougie.
9:09 PM Nov 5th from web

My cat only has claws on 2 of his paws. Those were the ones that *dug in* when he just jumped into my lap. It's too early for this.
8:32 AM Nov 6th from web

I was all set for an "It's a new day" attitude adjustment. And then my cat drew blood befopre 9am. Ok world...I can take a hint...
9:03 AM Nov 6th from web

Because I am having a shitastic day, I figured I'd drive a stake in my heart and call Citibank....
3:33 PM Nov 6th from web

Dear Chase Manhattan: THANK YOU FOR FREEING ME FROM THE EVIL CLUTCHES OF CITIBANK. (I hope) Eternally Yours, Rougie
4:10 PM Nov 6th from web

For the first time since Tuesday I am wearing shoes that don't leave me in excruciating pain.
4:13 PM Nov 6th from web

So I LOVE that I know my local BoA branch manager. And I LOVE how he actually helps me when I need help. It's called customer service!
4:41 PM Nov 6th from UberTwitter

Waiting for my Brooklyn-born shoe guy to perform magic on my newly purchased torture chambers for the feet. Am optimistic.
11:38 AM Nov 7th from UberTwitter

Did I say optimistic? I meant: this man is a genius and there was never any doubt.....
11:43 AM Nov 7th from UberTwitter

Did I mention this is being done while I wait?
11:44 AM Nov 7th from UberTwitter

Bottomless mimosas and wild blueberry cheesecake at brunch. Not a bad way to start the day.
1:56 PM Nov 7th from UberTwitter

Suck it Heels!
6:34 PM Nov 7th from web

William Powell as Nick Charles in the Thin Man Series is way hot. I'd do him. #timemachinefreebies
6:48 PM Nov 7th from UberTwitter

I'd also do Myrna Loy. #timemachinefreebies
6:49 PM Nov 7th from UberTwitter

OMG Alfred Hitchcock - I love you AND Jimmy Stewart AND Grace Kelly AND Rear Window! All of you! I love all of you!
7:22 PM Nov 7th from web

Dear Grace Kelly: Can I be you? Pls? Esp. In Rear Window cuz you're *perfect* Sigh
7:45 PM Nov 7th from web

And that's all the random crap I thought this week. Actually - that's just the random crap I thought and Tweeted. Frighteningly, there's a whole lot of stuff that I don't share...

A Cinderella Story

2009-11-06T07:00:00.008-05:00

Apparently the work peeps have it in for me. Seriously. They must. Otherwise:

WHY WOULD IT HAVE TAKEN THEM OVER 18 MONTHS TO TELL ME THAT THERE IS A J. CREW CLEARANCE STORE LESS THAN 10 MINUTES FROM OUR OFFICE? HELLO??? ARE YOU PEOPLE TRYING TO KILL ME???

(Pauses to catch breath and return to a more balanced state. There.)

So yeah. While out in Asheville in September to run my first 5K, my coworker K, she of the glorious flowing cashmere cardigans and also scary compliance queen, mentioned the J. Crew clearance store to me. I promptly fainted. Really? A CLEARANCE STORE? This close? It was more than I could handle.

And then finally finally finally I was back in Asheville this week and K and I snuck out after lunch to check out J. Crew....

So OMG y'all. Like - literally. We pulled into the parking lot. I saw the sign: "J. Crew Clearance Store." My BP shot through the roof, my pulse sky-rocketed, my breathing got short and shallow, and seriously - I was high.

Entering the store was a whole other universe. Piles of cheap cashmere. Racks of pretty dresses. Coats. OMG y'all - THE GOD DAMN FLIPPING COATS. Only - I got a perky purple coat at the J. Crew Outlet store in Blowing Rock in September and I DON'T NEED ANY MORE DAMN COATS. We won't discuss the shoes except....

CINDER-FUCKING-ELLA.

So yeah. In a frenzy of grabbing $50 Chanel-style-cashmere and more-than-half-off lovely silk dresses in hunter green (just perfect for the holidays) AND a much needed black pencil skirt (Sigh. Can you feel the shopper's high - CAN YOU???), I got waylaid by the goddamn shoes. These in particular:

Bite me J. Crew - OK?? BITE ME.

I wasn't going to buy them. I SWEAR I WASN'T....

But then K said how cute they looked and OMG y'all I have some kind of problem and so yeah...long story short, I bought them. This was on Tuesday afternoon.

Tuesday evening I got home and I was so anxious to wear MY DARLING NEW SHOES that I slipped out of my pencil skirt and into my capris and into my new...

TORTURE DEVICES FROM HELL. HOLY HELL THESE PUPPIES HURT LIKE A MOFO.

Sigh y'all. In my shopping induced mania/frenzy - I FORGOT TO ACTUALLY WALK AROUND IN THESE SUCKERS. And you know what? Whatever the fuck I bought doesn't flipping fit AND hurts like God damn hell.

Seriously? See the email I sent to K because it pretty much sums up my own private Hell these last few days:

So today I wore a simple black sheath, triple strand pearls, my new cardigan and my new shoes. The whole outfit looked darling. We'll ignore the fact that my feet hurt like Hell.

I keep praying they will stretch but it may just be the shape of the shoe and where it hits across the top of my foot. I am wondering if a half size up would have helped. Also - I am wondering how I didn't realize in the store THAT THESE SHOES ARE PURE EVIL GORGEOUS TORTURE. Seriously - I just have to stick my foot in the shoe and I am reaching for the painkillers........That said - I'll still wear them every chance I can because that's how I roll.

Note to self: when manically shopping at a clearance store and grabbing shoes in the midst of an endorphin-induced shopper's high, remember to actually TRY THEM ON and oh yeah...walking around the store once or twice might be helpful too.

So yeah. Is there anyone close by who can hit me over the head with a polo mallet????

Me being me I have been determined to makes these bad boys work for me so I have basically worn them non-stop for 2 days in an attempt to get them to better conform to the shape of my foot and/or to stretch them out and/or ANYTHING DEAR LORD.

So yeah. Any takers on the polo mallet??

Testosterone Is Catching

2009-11-05T07:00:00.005-05:00

When I was a teenager, I had horrible skin that resulted in years of trips to the dermatologist and countless prescriptions written for every pill, ointment and cream that would possibly help. Before going down what was deemed to be THE FINAL PATH (read: Accutane), my dermatologist sent me off to an overpriced endocrinologist on Park Avenue to run a battery of tests. You know what he determined? That I produced an overabundance of testosterone and this was what was causing the acne. It was also causing some sort of issue with excessive hair loss and I stuck a report in a file folder because apparently one day if I ever want to have children this same medical condition might prove to be a problem although for the life of me I can't recall why.

Anyways, I had basically forgotten about my affliction and all that testosterone coursing through my bloodstream until I typed the following Tweet on Saturday night while watching Game 3 of the World Series:

Me. In a room. With 7 guys. Watching baseball. Shouting at the TV. Drinking beer.
11:37 PM Oct 31st from UberTwitter

See? Right then and there I realized that I had officially grown a pair. Dear me.

Let me backtrack, or rather sidestep, for a moment and say this: I am ALL GIRL. I have countless pairs of shoes, drawers threatening to explode on account of all of the make-up shoved in there, and my underthings are delicate and lacy. I refuse to leave the house without nail polish on my toes, I own a $100 hair dryer and there are people in the universe who have never seen me in pants. So yeah...I don't think anyone is going to question my XX chromosome status.

And yet...

My most common companions these days are Sumo and The Kaiser and recently life seems to revolve around the MLB post-season (Hello World Series Champions The New York Yankees!) but there's also NASCAR, football, Oktoberfest, carnivore-themed dinners, trivia, and college basketball is getting ready to start. And I've discovered that after several weeks of hanging with "The Boys," I've apparently become one. I guess testosterone is catching.

Last week we were out at a sports bar watching Game 1 and I called our female bartender sweetheart. That's right. Me - who used to spell woman with a "y" (as in womyn). Me - who has 7 Indigo Girls albums on her iPod. Me - who knows better. Don't get me wrong, I use affectionate, pet nicknames all the time. I call people Sugar and Darlin' and Honey and Cookie. But that would be PEOPLE I KNOW. I don't think I have ever in my life looked at a female bartender and said: "Sweetheart - I'll take another." Until last week. Who am I?

You know what else? I have become one of those people - you know, the ones who SHOUT OUT LOUD at the TV while in public whenever their team scores and/or their opponent fails. These days I can either be heard saying "Go Jimmie" or "Suck it Phillies." I blame The Kaiser for this. Seriously. Not even 6 weeks ago Sumo and I were out watching Sunday afternoon sports (cuz that's what I do these days) and I commented on the ridiculous idiots shouting every time someone did or didn't score a touchdown. Several Yankee games with The Kaiser later (note: he is vehemently anti-Yankees), I have found myself an obstreperous, clamorous and boisterous spectator who is not afraid to make her opinion known (although God help me during basketball season since I am the only person in the entire region besides Lilsaej and Pixie who roots for Duke).

The Kaiser even attempted to teach me the "Pose Down:"

I think it might be time for me to run and hide y'all.

But do you want to know how I officially knew I had crossed over from XX territory into XY territory? I got invited to go on the annual Boys Beach Trip. Kinda. Sorta.

Sumo's brother The BBQ King was the first to suggest it. We were all out at Hooters (natch), watching baseball and playing trivia when he issued the invitation. Some folks had dropped out last minute and no one had been able to fill the spots. I thought the invite was in jest but when I said something to Sumo the next day, he said he didn't see a problem with it. Seriously. I nearly fainted (how XX of me) because this is basically a 5 day trip that revolves around drinking, golf, more drinking, Viking helmets, more drinking, rare meat, pillaging & plundering, still more drinking AND trips to establishments where girls named Candee and Cheyenne dance "exotically" while wearing not much more than...well, while wearing not much at all.

No worries. I am not actually going (although I seriously considered it for like, a nanosecond). One - there's no way I can swing it with my schedule. Two - while The BBQ King and Sumo seemed unoffended by the idea, The Kaiser gave me a flat out "Over my dead, ~~ancient~~ lifeless body" and I am pretty sure the other boys on the trip would feel the same way. Still - I was ~~disturbingly~~ flattered by the invitation.

The thing is - I can actually trace this phenomenon back to an earlier time. A time before too many nights with Sumo and The Kaiser and a time before a hormone imbalance. You see, as a young girl my father made me listen to Howard Stern, and I am pretty sure that has something to do with the fact that I recently wrote the following Tweet:

"A-Rod's banging something besides Kate Hudson - it's called the fucking ball."

Now excuse me, I've got chest hair to braid and nuts to scratch.

Important Numbers

2009-11-03T07:00:00.002-05:00

Credit for this post format goes to the ever-brilliant Rude Cactus. Thanks dude.

* Number of days in which this post actually takes place: 1

* Number of hours "gained" that day: 1

* Number of hours slept before my journey began making said gained hour useless: 3

* Number of caffeinated beverages consumed: 6

* Number of planes boarded: 2

* Number of times I felt like jumping into a vat of Purell: 453

* Number of hours actually spent on the ground in NY: 7

* Number of breakfasts consumed: 3...or 4 if you count a grande skinny vanilla latte from Starbucks as breakfast

* Amount spent at various airports on overpriced concessions: $17.17

* Number of times I kicked myself for forgetting to bring my leftover Halloween candy: 8

* Number of times I was with someone who got lost: 4

* Number of times I got lost in a cemetery: 1

* Number of heroes honored: 1

* Number of times I asked why there were no caffeinated beverages at lunch: at least 10

* Number of Starburst pilfered from my lovely cousin in the hopes that a wee bit of sugar would keep me upright: 1

* Number of references to the fact that I was in heels all day: 2

* Number of awkward conversations: 1

* Number of TVs at the bar at the airport: 2

* Number of those TVs turned to Talladega: 0

* Number of minutes spent anxiously sweating my standby status: 123

* Number of overpriced glasses of wine consumed in an attempt to chill out: 2

* Number of pre-boarding, anxiety-laced, standby Tweets: 5

* Number of post-boarding, I'm headed home Tweets: 1

* Number of wired-on-too-much-Halloween-candy-sugar-and-wouldn't-shut-up children sitting in the row behind me: 3

* Number of times my seat was kicked: 1,782

* Number of times I turned around and politely asked the little girl behind me to ~~FUCKING SIT STILL GODDAMMIT~~ please be more careful: 0 - I figured God had smiled on me by getting me on the 5:05 and I did not want to. Push. My. Luck.

* Total amount of time spent traveling door to airport to NY to airport and back to door: 13 hours, 31 minutes

And most importantly...

* Number of posts I have published on this blog: THIS MAKES 500

And if that ain't knock me over fantastic, I'll kiss your...In fact, I'll kiss it FIVE HUNDRED TIMES!!!

My week in Tweets: October 25 - October 31

2009-11-01T20:55:00.000-05:00

Getting ready to head to @moriartytth's & bringing a bunch of experimental baked goods in tow. Is that wrong? The experimental part I mean.
2:45 PM Oct 25th from web

Also last night I have Sumo half of a Twix bar. I think that was just odd & made me feel like a gramma fishing half-eaten candy from my bag.
2:46 PM Oct 25th from web

I am having some sugar issues. Clearly. Maybe because I've sworn the stuff off til Halloween.
2:46 PM Oct 25th from web

Which makes turning my kitchen into some kind of sugar laboratory a very odd choice. I might need to adjust my meds.
2:46 PM Oct 25th from web

Caution!!! Sweet! Bet the #48 takes the lead on the double file restart. #11 can't whine about that!
5:12 PM Oct 25th from UberTwitter

PS this is why I LOVE racing!
5:13 PM Oct 25th from UberTwitter

One more shot at the double file restart....GO #48!!!!
5:20 PM Oct 25th from UberTwitter

Baseball at home with my kitty and a cuppa tea is not quite the same as baseball out with the boys and a beer...
8:35 PM Oct 25th from web

The biggest problem? Every time I cheer for my Yankees my skittish cat goes flying off the couch...
8:57 PM Oct 25th from web

Holy crap! Swisher hit the ball. WITH a runner on base. #imightfaint
9:39 PM Oct 25th from web

Is it just me or is anyone else noticing how much bling the Angels are wearing? Is it a CA thing? #mlb
9:44 PM Oct 25th from web

Whoever put a string of loading docks on a narrow, residential street was just plum stupid. Just sayin......
10:12 AM Oct 26th from UberTwitter

Dear me. I am at the grocery store so often (read: every day) that the manager knows me by site. "Oh - it's you." Sigh.
10:38 AM Oct 26th from UberTwitter

I am about ready to hurl my won't-stop-buzzing-ringing-shaking-drive-me-up-a-wall-Blackberry into my fireplace. Or into oncoming traffic.
1:10 PM Oct 26th from web

Ok...can this Monday suck it any worse?
3:00 PM Oct 26th from web

My afternoon cup of tea would taste 1000 times better with a freshly baked scone, some home made jam, and some double clotted cream.
4:27 PM Oct 26th from web

I've had my gas logs on high all day & my house has been a steady 80 degrees. I think something may be wrong w/ me cuz it feels good.
4:41 PM Oct 26th from web

Is it too early for bed?
7:38 PM Oct 26th from web

And to bed it is...
8:23 PM Oct 26th from web

Going to bed at 8:30 only works if you actually sleep through the night. A 3-hour bout of insomnia has left me feeling yawny.
5:13 AM Oct 27th from UberTwitter

Which makes dragging my ass to the gym at this ungodly hour....well....ungodly.
5:14 AM Oct 27th from UberTwitter

Great. They needed to retake my gym photo. Sure guys - the 5:30am visit where my eyes are still half closed is *perfect*
5:46 AM Oct 27th from UberTwitter

Dark out AFTER 7am is wrong. Just plain wrong. And you can be sure I will *twitch* about this until March.
7:13 AM Oct 27th from UberTwitter

Twitter is broken. #tweetfail
8:16 AM Oct 27th from UberTwitter

Holy crap! Diet Green Tea Ginger Ale might be the best beverage EVAH. (Not including wine of course...)
10:43 AM Oct 27th from web

Do doctors still perform lobotomies? Because I may totally need one. Also - what about electroshock therapy? Is that an option?
12:36 PM Oct 27th from web

This torrential rain is forcing me to skip Wally World and get right to work baking peanut butter cookies...
6:19 PM Oct 27th from web

DOUBLE CRAP! You'd think I'd know by now that Flint Street is the 18th circle of Hell. It's 11:35 - we'll see how long I sit here.
11:36 AM Oct 28th from UberTwitter

I'd say that I am so ready for this day to be over only 1) mini work drama with no short term resolution and 2) Diet Coke is my only solace
5:31 PM Oct 28th from web

Shall we discuss the horror known as Party City the Wednesday before Halloween? SHALL WE???
6:19 PM Oct 28th from UberTwitter

This experience requires a vodka IV and a handful of Xanax.
6:25 PM Oct 28th from UberTwitter

Scratch that. This experiences requires a full frontal lobotomy. Holy Hell it's INSANE in here.
6:28 PM Oct 28th from UberTwitter

And of course I got on the shortest line only it's taking the longest b/c apparently buying a Jason uniform is NOT EASY. #linefail
6:29 PM Oct 28th from UberTwitter

At H00ters w/ The Kaiser, Sumo and Sumo's brother. It's gonna be a long night. Sigh. Esp. b/c The Kaiser and the Brother hate the Yankees.
7:52 PM Oct 28th from UberTwitter

The Kaiser and Sumo (collectively): "Who's that?" Me: Michelle Flipping Obama. *smacks head* Seriously guys?
7:56 PM Oct 28th from UberTwitter

Oh dear. I am officially horrified. Officially. (Note: screaming like Tarzan while out in public is just plain wrong.)
8:53 PM Oct 28th from UberTwitter

Talking about Catholic schoolgirl fantasies really drove up blog traffic.
8:10 AM Oct 29th from web

Can we discuss my excellent parking juju? Can we????? Why yes - we can!!!
9:37 AM Oct 29th from UberTwitter

So yesterday's *easy* session with the trainer has left me sore as hell and hobbling....
1:54 PM Oct 29th from UberTwitter

Networking. Cocktails. Schmooze. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Sigh.
7:13 PM Oct 29th from UberTwitter

Flippy cups. And I can't play. Sigh.
8:42 PM Oct 29th from UberTwitter

It's official. I am *1 of the boys*
10:24 PM Oct 29th from UberTwitter

BAD CALL! #worldseriesumpfail
10:44 PM Oct 29th from UberTwitter

Me: that's crap. Sumo: No - that's horseshit. Either way: ARE YOU BLIND umpire peeps????
10:45 PM Oct 29th from UberTwitter

I have become 1 of *those* people. You know - who shout at the TV during sporting events....
10:52 PM Oct 29th from UberTwitter

Suck it Phillies. SUCK IT!!!
11:19 PM Oct 29th from UberTwitter

Dear Strange Man At Bar I Have Never Met: Please don't grope me or say hi like we are old friends cuz we aren't. Thanks! Xoxo rougie
12:30 AM Oct 30th from UberTwitter

I burnt my English muffin this morning. I wonder if this is a sign of what the rest of my day will be like.
9:04 AM Oct 30th from web

Also - I am running DANGEROUSLY low on Coke Zero Cherry. 2 left. Possible apocalypse if I don't buy more soon.
9:04 AM Oct 30th from web

Dear Gravy Mix - where the Hell are you hiding in this supermarket?
2:18 PM Oct 30th from UberTwitter

Dude - there are, like, 20 other ellipticals NOT being used. Did you really have to hop on the one RIGHT NEXT TO ME??
6:14 PM Oct 30th from UberTwitter

You - yes YOU. Jeans are NOT appropriate workout attire - kay?
6:18 PM Oct 30th from UberTwitter

Other You.....GIANT ass bling is not an appropriate accessory for working out. I don't care if you consider it to be additional weight.
6:31 PM Oct 30th from UberTwitter

So Friday night at the gym is all about the freaks, the geeks, the social misfits, and the fashion-challenged. And me. #fridaynightfail
6:33 PM Oct 30th from UberTwitter

Freak show at the gym+Brussels sprouts+meatballs+Taylor Swift=my rocking Friday night. So sexy...it hurts...
8:34 PM Oct 30th from web

Oh yeah...let's not leave out Twitter (no offense Twitter)....
8:35 PM Oct 30th from web

Oh - and my cat. Because...ya know...a girl's gotta have standards...
8:35 PM Oct 30th from web

According to Hal Higdon, I am supposed to run 10 miles the Saturday before I run a half marathon.
10:47 PM Oct 30th from web

I ran 10 miles last weekend. Does that mean I am qualified to run a half marathon tomorrow? And by qualified I mean *certifiably insane*
10:47 PM Oct 30th from web

PM Showers. Joy. Happy Flipping Halloween.
10:17 AM Oct 31st from web

Of course - I'll be inside at @lilsaej's party so why am I bitching?
10:18 AM Oct 31st from web

Then again the highlight for me is giving out the candy so really I feel sorry for the soggy crumbcrunchers going door to door...
10:19 AM Oct 31st from web

Things I hate @ the gym: women in make-up, VPL, people who flirt & meatheads who try to show off only you can tell they don't have a clue.
12:55 PM Oct 31st from web

Also - now that I've left my hermetically sealed bubble & been outside can we discuss the weather? Hot AND Wet?
12:56 PM Oct 31st from web

That's like the WORST Halloween weather ever.
12:57 PM Oct 31st from web

Uncharacteristic costume panic and so now I find myself at Wal-Mart at 2:20 on Halloween Saturday. FML

Apparently ever ill-behaved, squawking spawn of Satan is currently terrorizing the local Wal-Mart. Fuck me. FML.
2:29 PM Oct 31st from UberTwitter

$35.02 is unacceptable for a Halloween related expenditure. Therefore I plan to wear lime eyeshadow and frosty fuschia lipgloss daily.
2:41 PM Oct 31st from UberTwitter

Also? I shall revive rubber bracelets and women everywhere will covet my bright yellow fake plastic beads. #longlivethe80s
2:42 PM Oct 31st from UberTwitter

Dude - you're driving a Taurus. I think you can take the speed bump at something a little faster than - oh - say 3mph....
2:45 PM Oct 31st from UberTwitter

Quick question: 80s hair - curly or straight? And I don't have the time, tools or inclination to feather, fringe or crimp.
3:06 PM Oct 31st from web

I am supposed to be an 80s prom queen. Yet I have no sash. Or crown. Or prom date.
4:59 PM Oct 31st from web

The spandex and fishnets make me look more like an 80s *lady of the night* who wandered off from the bordello.
5:00 PM Oct 31st from web

Then again the jelly bracelets and the netting in my hair add an air of innocence...
5:00 PM Oct 31st from web

Aw fuck it. If anyone asks I am stuck in a time warp in 1987. What I am doing there is no one's business but mine.
5:00 PM Oct 31st from web

So I am thinking that my costume choice of spandex, lace and fishnets was not wise for handing out candy to small kids. Possibly.
6:50 PM Oct 31st from UberTwitter

So for the record - if you are not going to take the time to put together a real costume, you shouldn't be trick or treating. Period.
7:01 PM Oct 31st from UberTwitter

So apparently drinking beer and handing out candy is Ex-Haus-Ting.
8:13 PM Oct 31st from UberTwitter

You know what else is exhausting? Asking kids to say Trick or Treat. Seriously - if you're old enough to do it, you're old enough to say it.
8:19 PM Oct 31st from UberTwitter

Really Pettite? It's only the bottom of the 2nd. #pitchingfail
10:06 PM Oct 31st from UberTwitter

A-Rod's banging something besides Kate Hudson - it's called the fucking ball. #worldseries
10:36 PM Oct 31st from UberTwitter

Suck it Phillies!!!
10:59 PM Oct 31st from UberTwitter

Holy Hell. Go Nick Swisher. Or whoever the hell has taken over your body.
11:22 PM Oct 31st from UberTwitter

Me. In a room. With 7 guys. Watching baseball. Shouting at the TV. Drinking beer. #guessivegrownapair
11:37 PM Oct 31st from UberTwitter

I have to fly to NY in 7hrs. FML
12:22 AM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

And that's the game! Go Yankees!
12:44 AM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

And if that ain't an epic Week in Tweets, I'll kiss your...

Feed Me Fridays: The Experimental Pie Edition Part II (This Time On a Friday But Not Actually Pie. Just Roll With It Yo. Ok?)

2009-10-30T08:00:00.000-04:00

So here's the thing about Momofuko Milk Bar's Crack Pie: it's utterly addictive (duh) and life-changing. Seriously. You know when you bake something and you cream together the butter and the sugar? And then perhaps you get a little bit on your finger and then you lick it off and then you are like: "OH SWEET NECTAR OF THE GODS COME TO MOMMA?" Well imagine if you took that heavenly concoction, added a little cream (cause - you know - it's not rich enough) and a little flour (to hold it all together), threw it in a crust and then baked it. Voila - Crack Pie.

Well seeing as these Momofuko desserts inspired me all kinds of ways, I decided to replicate Crack Pie only somewhere in the process I started thinking about breakfast and suddenly Crack Pie turned into Rise 'N Shine Bars. I think it may have had something to do with the oat crust, and then I started thinking about cereal - maybe because of those sick Momofuko cookies with the cornflakes and the marshmallows - and then I thought about a bunch of things you typically have in the morning and I decided to throw it all together, bind it with my version of a Crack Pie like filling (i.e. copious amounts of butter and sugar) and bake it. Here is the result.

Rise 'N Shine Bars

The ingredients:

Preheat the oven to 350.

Make the Toasted Oatmeal Nut Crust:

2 cups of rolled oats
6 Tbsp. brown sugar
1/2 tsp. salt
1 Tbsp. instant espresso powder
2/3 cup chopped walnuts
1 stick unsalted butter, melted

Place the oats and the walnuts in a shallow pan and toast in the oven for 8 - 10 minutes or until brown. Careful not to burn.

In a large bowl mix together the oats, sugar, salt, espresso powder and walnuts. Add the melted butter and gently combine until fully incorporated.

Press the crust into a 12 x 8 baking pan.

Bake for 8 - 10 minutes until lightly set.

Make the Crack Pie Like filling:

1-1/8 cup brown sugar
1-1/8 cup white sugar
2 sticks of unsalted butter, melted
1/2 tsp. salt
3/4 cup heavy cream
3 Tbsp. flour

In the bowl of a standing mixer combine both sugars, the butter and the salt. Stir on medium until fully incorporated and smooth. Add the cream and stir in on low. Add the flour and stir in on low.

Next comes the assembly. For this you will need 1 banana and assorted breakfast cereals. I used Corn Pops, Raisin Bran Crunch and Honey Nut Cheerios but you can use whatever is in your cupboard.

Slice the banana over the crust:

Then sprinkle 1 cup of cereal over the banana. I used 1/3 cup each of Corn Pops, Raisin Bran Crunch and Honey Nut Cheerios. Then pour in the ~~crack~~ filling. Then take 1 cup of cereal (I used Corn Pops), crush it and sprinkle over the top. See - looks kind of like a Crack Gratin:

Plunk the whole hot mess in the oven and bake for about 10 - 15 minutes. Then turn the oven down to 300 and bake for another 10 - 15 minutes until golden brown and the filling is just set. (Here's where I remind you that I am the proud owner of the world's most schizophrenic oven and so if my baking times seem a little off - that's why. Apologies in advance but trust me - these are so good you won't even notice).

When you pull it out of the oven, here's what it should look like:

It's time's like this I was wish we had Smell-O-Vision. Or Taste-O-Vision because Holy Hell y'all - that shit is awesome.

Let the whole thing cool for several hours. Seriously. I found that about 90% of my ~~crack~~ filling was set but that the outer edges were a little gooey. So yeah. Cool the bars. And once they are cool, stick them in the fridge to firm them up.

Then attempt to cut them into squares (mine did not cut neatly - they were more like weird, sticky, delicious piles) and serve.

Voila. You have a new addiction. You are welcome.

Feed Me Fridays: The Experimental Pie Edition Part I (And I Know It's Not Friday. But It Is Experimental, So Just Roll With It Yo. Ok?)

2009-10-29T07:00:00.005-04:00

I am going to blame my brother for this y'all. My awesome older brother whom I totally love and adore and who fathered my darling little nephew whom I also totally love and adore. Anyways, it's all HIS fault that my kitchen turned into Dr. Frankensugar's Lab this past weekend which maybe isn't such a bad thing - I don't know.

So I was up in NYC a few weeks ago for the Jewish holidays and we did Rosh Hashana at my brother and sister-in-law's and for dessert my brother ordered crack from Momofuko Milk Bar. Seriously y'all - crack - only they call it Crack Pie and they call it that with reason because OMG y'all...I would seriously consider selling everything I own and whoring myself out to Mr. Land O' Lakes to eat this on a daily basis. It's that fucking amazing.

Anyways, I was in a cab with mom and she mentioned that when she picked up the Crack Pie (which more on that tomorrow) they also had a Candy Bar Pie which looked incredible and she almost bought it but didn't because in addition to the Crack Pie there were crazy, yummy Momofuko cookies not to mention a more traditional pie (apple) from Little Red Hen. But that got me thinking. Candy Bar Pie. And it being Halloween and all and there being lots of candy around...well, thus the idea for Halloween Pie was born.

Here's what I started with:

And I confess, the idea for the pretzel crust was totally poached from this recipe that was in an issue of Food and Wine earlier this year. (BTW - totally make the actual tart recipe as it is published - it is FAN-FLIPPING-TASTIC). And I thought about trying to change 1 or 2 things but the crust was pretty rocking so follow the crust part of the recipe in Food and Wine. It should look something like this:

And be warned - it's a very sticky dough which is why you need to keep it in the plastic wrap and definitely let it chill for at least 30 minutes. Only - once you roll it out instead of plunking it into a tart pan, plunk it into a 9-inch pie plate. You'll probably have excess dough which is fine. Anyways follow the baking instructions and in theory your crust should come out ok. Mine did not. Mine got overcooked and I will chalk that up to THE SCHIZOPHRENIC OVEN FROM HELL and the end result of an overcooked pie crust is that it takes a chisel and a jackhammer to loose that shit from the pie plate. Sigh...

So yeah. Don't overcook your crust. Or maybe stick with the tart pan. Or scratch the whole pretzel crust and just buy a pre-made crust - I am thinking a cookie crust.

Anyways. While your crust is baking, make the peanut butter-white chocolate stuff. And yes, I am calling it stuff because it's not really cream and it's not really glaze and it's not really mousse it's just a random layer I decided to add last minute.

Melt ¼ cup white chocolate chips with 2 Tbsp. heavy cream. I am lazy and do it in the microwave. Those of you who are more sophisticated might prefer a double boiler. Whatever rocks your world sugar. Anyways, pour the melted mixture into a mixing bowl and add 3 generous Tbsp. of smooth and creamy peanut butter. Beat with an electric mixer until blended. Then add 1 Tbsp. of softened unsalted butter cut into pieces and beat in until mixture is smooth and creamy.

See how yummy "stuff" looks:

While your crust is cooling and your stuff is resting (at room temperature), make what I lovingly call Lazy Girl's Ganache. In an large measuring cup or mixing bowl combine 1-1/3 cups of bittersweet chocolate chips, 1/4 cup of heavy whipping cream and 3 Tbsp. of softened, unsalted butter:

Microwave on high in 20 - 30 second intervals, stirring after each one, until you get this:

Next, spread the peanut butter-white chocolate concoction onto the cooled (and hopefully not burned to an ever loving crisp) crust. I find that an offset spatula is the best tool for this:

Next - cut up your Halloween candy Mr. Pitt style. You can use whatever you want. I opted for 1 full Kit Kat (regular size), 1 full Snickers, and half of a Twix (I gave the other half to Sumo when we were out that night and I felt like some weird gramma type fishing half eaten candy out of my purse and giving it to a friend but I am sugar-free all week and the temptation would have been too much.). Scatter the candy onto the peanut butter-white chocolate covered pie crust like so:

Then stick the whole mess in the fridge for about 20 - 30 minutes until it has set.

Remove from the fridge and pour in the bittersweet chocolate ganache and then garnish. I topped mine with a pack of peanut M&Ms but again, you could do whatever.

Stick the whole thing back in the fridge (again) and let it set for a few hours or over night. When you go to serve you probably want to let it sit out at room temperature for a wee bit otherwise you'll need a chain saw to cut through the ganache which is not what you want at all. You want the ganache to be solid, but to have a little bit of give...not too unlike fudge.

So yeah. That's my version of Halloween pie and NO it does not have candy corns (although I love candy corns) and NO it does not have orange frosting. It's really just my riff on Candy Bar Pie only I associate candy with Halloween which is why I named it Halloween pie and...ok...I will shut up now.

BTW - I did not actually try the pie (I rarely eat what I bake to begin with but I am on a self-imposed detox this week which means no sugar, no alcohol and nothing fried) but I was told it was pretty tasty. At least the filling part. No one had a chisel to get the crust loose from the pie plate.

Fulfilling My Catholic Schoolgirl Fantasies

2009-10-28T07:00:00.002-04:00

I am not a Catholic schoolgirl. Hell - I'm not even Catholic. But there is something about a uniform that I find exceptionally comforting. Also - I have a thing for plaid miniskirts.

But plaid miniskirt obsessions aside, I really do love uniforms and I am the type of girl to walk into a store, find a sweater/dress/skirt/shirt I like and buy 2, 3 or sometimes 4 in different colors/patterns. Two summers ago I found an awesome cotton prairie skirt at The Gap. I bought in bright blue, bright orange, and black. I wore it with assorted colors of the perfect fitted Bella scoopneck tee acquired in bulk from a wholesale distributor. Footwear tended to be Jack Rogers - either in silver or turquoise. All. Summer. Long. This is what I wore.

Last winter I found the perfect off the shoulder sweater at Wal-Mart. I got 3: black, grey and pink. I rotated through them most of the winter (paired with jeans and boots), occasionally interspersing them with my awesome royal purple cashmere cable-knit crewneck picked up at the J. Crew outlet.

If I find a t-shirt I like, you can be sure that I will buy 3 or 4 at a time because let's face it: 1) you can never have too many t-shirts 2) they eventually get stained, torn or stretched out 3) you can never have too many t-shirts and 4) you can never have too many t-shirts. In fact, I just picked up 3 perfect long sleeve tees at Old Navy the other week (one in the most delightful shade of pink - OMG I am obsessed). I would have got more but I am on a budget.

In general, I have seasonal uniforms. In the spring and summer you are apt to find me in sundresses and pretty floral skirts, bare legs and open toed shoes or sandals. In fact, my friend Pixie once asked me if I owned jeans. Do I own them? Hell honey - I live in them 6 months of the year (for the record: Pixie has a year round uniform of jeans, t-shirts and flip flops and in fact - I have never seen her in a skirt or dress except during Halloween).

My uniform these days seems to be either black leggings, jeans, or cords - which OMG - I actually prefer cords to jeans. Only - I can never find cords I like and that fit well. And if I do, they are generally overpriced (Ahem J. Crew) not to mention I usually buy them in idiotic colors like magenta or rust and then I wake up 3 days later and I'm like: why don't I own cords in normal neutral colors like black, chocolate brown, olive green, khaki, and/or stone? Seriously - what the hell was I thinking buying magenta cords?

Anyways - my trip to Old Navy on Saturday was actually pretty sweet because in addition to the amazing, perfect, slightly overpriced long sleeve tees, I scored 2 pairs of awesome Sweetheart cords which are stretchy and feel good and oh yeah are normal colors (charcoal and chocolate) and are long enough to wear with boots but if I get lazy and decide to wear with sneakers no one will know i.e. I don't have to hem them and oh yeah- does anyone else have this problem? Seriously - length of pants leg can be such a challenge when your footwear ranges from flat to 3-inch heel only I can't bring myself to have "flat pants" and "heel pants" so I just kind of flub it somewhere in the middle and I am sure somewhere someone is rolling over in their grave (who I have no idea but someone is) but I just say aw fuck it.

Where was I?

My uniform. These days it consists of leggings or cords, t-shirts and these awesome fitted, Western-style, plaid flannel shirts I found at Target and of which I purchased 3. Actually - I purchased 4 but then returned one. But then I bought a non-flannel, still fitted, Western-Style, plaid shirt at Old Navy so it was kind of a wash. And I am thinking about ordering 1 more online only...well...that seems excessive.

To top it all off I can generally be found bundled in my favorite grey wool wrap sweater (purchased at Old Navy last year during a post-Christmas sale and which I had actually been coveting for months and which I actually got for like 80% off and which I actually wear like all of the time so it falls in the category of REALLY GOOD PURCHASE) and my cheap black Target scarf knotted around my neck like I am a finalist for American Idol fighting off a case of laryngitis or something.

And boots. Or sneakers. Because my fuzzy clogs are gross. But I was thinking today I really need new fuzzy clogs. Or Merrills. Or something flat and lined in fleece that will keep my feet warm because I am perpetually cold.

So darling readers - do you have an adult uniform that gives you comfort?

PS This entire post was written under the influence of Dextromethorphan and Phenylephrine HCl.

PPS I lied. While truthfully I am fighting off a cold, I am not currently on cold medicine other than homemade vegetable soup and Diet Ginger Ale so really I have no excuse for the semi-crazy, rambling nature of this post other than I myself am semi-crazy. Clearly.

Finding My Stride

2009-10-27T07:00:00.002-04:00

Since Iron Man told me I was burnt out - and subsequently suggest I dial it back a bit and take at least 2 weeks off - I actually did just the opposite. I went for 2 runs last week. But they were different sorts of runs.

Last Wednesday afternoon was just lovely. Mid to high 60s, sunny, clear sky. I was going to go to the gym and then I thought I'd be foolish NOT to take advantage of the gorgeous weather and so I grabbed my snazzy new Garmin GPS watch and headed to the Rail Trail. I haven't run the Trail in ages - mainly because I was never sure of the distance and measuring various metrics is of the utmost importance to me. But with the Garmin on my wrist I knew it wouldn't be a problem.

I didn't really have a goal when I began my run other than that I wanted to enjoy myself. I wanted to enjoy the feel of the late afternoon sun on my face. I wanted to enjoy the feel of concrete and fallen leaves beneath my new Mizunos. I wanted to enjoy air that wasn't oppressively heavy with humidity. I wanted to enjoy the pretty, tree-lined scenery. I didn't want to think about pace. Or time. Or distance. I just wanted to run. And run I did.

I ran the Trail 3 times. Don't get me wrong - I checked my pace on occasion. And I was conscious of exactly how far I ran (5.3 miles go be exact). But for once I was able to quiet the ultra competitive voices in myhead and just go for a run and enjoy it. Which I did. Until I got home and discovered I was covered in 100s of tiny dead bug carcasses at which point I promptly freaked out. So yeah - it had been buggy and I had been aware of trying NOT to inhale a mouthful of gnats every time I opened my mouth to breathe but it wasn't until I got home and looked in the mirror and it looked like someone had poked me 100s of times with a black ball point pen that I realized I was a living, breathing, walking cemetery for 100s and 100s of gnats. It was GAH-ROSS.

Insect issues aside, I felt so good about Wednesday's run that I decided to give it another whirl on Sunday. And while I didn't want to make it about training, I decided I wanted to go for a long run for several reasons:

1) I NEVER get to go for long runs. Weekends are the only chance I ever have the time and this past weekend I actually had the time.

2) I've had some things on my mind recently and I felt like I really needed to clear my head. I figured what was a better head-clearing remedy than an hour-plus run outside tuning out to my utterly ridiculous mix of pop tunes, rap and cheesy ballads (hello Adam Lambert!).

3) Now that I have my fancy, schmancy Garmin I figured I wouldn't be tied to the Trail or the track and I could run "freestyle" but still track the distance. I know - for someone who wanted to "just have fun" that last bit seems ironic but seriously y'all - I have some OCD issues and knowing distance is kind of critical to my sanity.

I started out on the Trail. Ran it one way and then promptly headed out into downtown Smalltown USA. I ran down to the Park. Then backtracked. Picked up the Trail for a bit. Then veered off again and ran through the South side of downtown and ultimately looped my way back to the top of the Trail.

I started out on my second lap. Ran the Trail again one way. Turned around but then veered off when I could and ran through the West side of town all the way to the high school and to the track that I used to feel so chained to. I looped through another neighborhood and once again made my way back to the Trail.

Can I tell y'all something? The whole being able to run wherever felt SO FLIPPING GOOD. And you know what else? Smalltown USA is HILLY. OMG I was huffing and puffing up some of those bad boys.

My original goal - other than to just have fun - was to run for at least an hour. At some point I switched the goal and decided to go for 10 miles. And you know what? I totally did. It took a lot longer than I thought. I mean seriously - if you look at my time for the 15K I ran the other week (which according to my Garmin I actually ran 9.44 miles that day) and you compare it to the 10 miles I ran on Sunday? Well let's just say that apparently on Sunday I was sloth-like. Then again? I wasn't trying to race. Not another runner. And not myself. My goal was a steady, slow pace to get through an incredible distance on my 2 little legs. That was all. And I did. And it felt really, really good to finally find my stride again because you know what? It's been a while.

HVAC 101

2009-10-26T07:00:00.007-04:00

What would you like to know about HVAC because I can probably tell you. Several months ago that was not that case but when you move into a house that has no central heating and it drops below 40 degrees, you quickly learn. You know what else happens? You freeze your ass off and start sleeping in more layers than this dude.

So anyways, what would you like to know? Would you like to know about gas furnaces versus heat pumps? Would you like to know how many BTUs it takes to heat a 1200 s.f. home? Would you like to know that if you plan on adding central a/c you need more BTUs? Would you like to know how much it'll cost to rewire an entire panel? (A shitload) Would you like to know about returns and should you even care about the return panel size? (The answer is no for just heat but yes if you include a/c). Where to change the filter? Can I tell you about efficiency and the difference between an 80% efficient gas furnace versus a 95% efficient gas furnace other than the obvious which is one is more efficient than the other?

What can I tell you about permitting...or not permitting because there are folks who will do it both ways. (For the record - I went the permitted route.)

Can I tell you about t-stats? Or having your ducts wrapped? (BTW you only need them wrapped if you install a/c because that's where the condensation comes from and it can build up and cause leaks, flooding and other water related problems.)

Do you care if you need a double wall pipe? Are 15kw heat strips too much, too little, or just right?

Oh wait. We haven't even discussed the possibility of a gas pack.

Sigh. It's a lot for an economics major who really meant to be an English major but couldn't get her shit together and so she wound up majoring in the one subject where she had enough credits to actually graduate on time which in and of itself is kind of head-scratch-worthy only we won't go there because it's totally another ~~saga~~ post for another ~~blog~~ day.

But at the end of the day I waded through a bunch of crap, made the decision and pulled the trigger.

I wound up with a 95% efficiency, 90,000 BTU Goodman gas furnace. The way I saw it, I already had natural gas at the house, gas prices are supposed to be pretty reasonable this year, and oh yeah, the amount I would have spent on electrical work to install a heat pump could feed a family of 10 in Africa for a year. Or gone towards 2 pairs of Jimmy Choos. It all depends on your priorities.

So yeah. I bought a furnace and it feels pretty damn awesome.

Plus I am sure you are all pleased to know that I have finally stopped sleeping in flannel PJs with wool socks, a hat, an extra sweater and mittens (so sexy - right?) because my wee little house is finally snuggly, toasty, cozy warm.

Of course, for the record - I'll probably add a/c in the spring. All I need to do is drop in a coil, have my ducts wrapped and upsize my return panel.

PS This post is totally dedicated to all of my enginerd friends. I hope I done you ladies proud!

PPS I am assuming that because you are enginerds - totally HOT enginerds BTW - that this is even kind of in your bailiwick.

PPPS I have no idea what bailiwick even means but I just like how it sounds.

PPPS I totally took a picture of the "Antique-This-Hasn't-Worked-in-a-Century-Oil-Furnace" that they removed before putting in my "Oh-My-God-This-Is-What-Heat-Feels-Like-Furnace:"

Now if THAT ain't country, I'll kiss your...

My Week In Tweets: October 18 - October 24

2009-10-25T09:00:00.002-04:00

Oh dear. Waffle House. Sigh. Smothered. Covered. Chunked. And Diced.
12:28 AM Oct 18th from UberTwitter

Today - laundry, cleaning the house and writing 18,000 blog posts. My life is soooooo glamorous....
11:54 AM Oct 18th from UberTwitter

Now laundry. Soooooo glamourous.....
12:26 PM Oct 18th from web

Cleaned the kitchen and mopped the floor. Cleaned the bathroom. Vacuumed. 4 loads of laundry. Made the bed. Just call me Cinderella.
3:06 PM Oct 18th from web

I feel like I dated autumn for about a week and then it broke up with me by Post-It. 32 degrees? WTF Jack Frost?
7:19 AM Oct 19th from UberTwitter

So my ObGyn is booked out UNTIL January. Seriously? WTF?!
10:53 AM Oct 19th from web

Another soul sucking conversation with Citi. I swear I am closing this account. SWEAR.
1:37 PM Oct 19th from web

Why working from home sucks? It's like I am Snacky McSnackerson. #cannotstopsnacking
4:27 PM Oct 19th from web

I am having soup for dinner only I have no crackers. Who the hell doesn't keep crackers in the house? Oh. Apparently me.
8:23 PM Oct 19th from web

However I do have plenty of red wine....
8:23 PM Oct 19th from web

Yahoo spellcheck on my Blackberry is suggesting "c0ck" for "xoxo." Seriously spellcheck? What kind of perv programmed you?
11:49 AM Oct 20th from UberTwitter

Driving on freshly paved highway is awesome. Smelling them pave it makes me want to yak tar.
3:19 PM Oct 20th from UberTwitter

I am thinking that pudding is not a great pre-work out snack. Yet I am craving chocolate....
4:24 PM Oct 21st from UberTwitter

Stripes on AMC. #classic
7:00 PM Oct 21st from UberTwitter

It's not even 8 and I am contemplating bed. I'd say I feel old except I am on my 2nd chocolate pudding of the day.
7:49 PM Oct 21st from web

Is it too early to smash my head on the desk? Is it???
10:05 AM Oct 22nd from web

Lunch: rice cakes and Coke Zero cherry. Likelihood I pass out during my 4pm training session at the gym? Pretty damn high.
1:13 PM Oct 22nd from web

Post-workout: icing my knee and watching old school Bev. Brandon is nearly a TV star, Donna has bad hair and Kelly is sporting denim.
5:37 PM Oct 22nd from UberTwitter

"Hey cheesemeister - stay away from my girl." ACK! Can't decide whether I absolutely love or whether to cringe at the wretched dialogue.
5:41 PM Oct 22nd from UberTwitter

Is it just me or is Jillian Michaels SCARY??
5:48 PM Oct 22nd from UberTwitter

I feel like I am living vicariously through @ModernMatriarch as she drinks her way around the world.
8:54 PM Oct 22nd from web

The only reason the Yankees being down is remotely tolerable is b/c Sumo has me in STICHES. We're talking batteries, duct work and wings.
10:08 PM Oct 22nd from UberTwitter

GO YANKEES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10:20 PM Oct 22nd from UberTwitter

Oddest bathrom ever: 2 toilets, NO dividers, and no toilet paper holders. Only in my town......
10:43 PM Oct 22nd from UberTwitter

Does anybody actually know the lyrics to 99 Luftbalons? In German or English????
11:36 PM Oct 22nd from UberTwitter

Skunk. Ugh.
1:12 AM Oct 23rd from web

My bangs and I are in a power struggle. Sadly - they are winning.
7:30 AM Oct 23rd from web

Cotton fields are in full bloom and look absolutely soft and fluffy and scrumptious. Times like these I wish I had a camera phone.
8:17 AM Oct 23rd from UberTwitter

My neighbor just stopped by with homemade brownies with black walnuts from her very own black walnut trees. YUM! #ilovesmalltownlife
1:37 PM Oct 23rd from web

Getting ready to call it a day, pour some wine, turn on old school Bev and give myself a pedi. #amsoglamourousitspainful
4:52 PM Oct 23rd from web

Brenda's getting a biopsy for breast cancer and Andrea and Steve are getting busy studying for the SATs. #luvoldschool90210
5:28 PM Oct 23rd from UberTwitter

Most. Depressing. Bev. Ever. Except for Steve and Andrea hooking up. That shit was just awesome.
5:42 PM Oct 23rd from UberTwitter

Who knew? Apparently Brussels sprouts are *sexy* and they are so my boyfriend these days...
7:51 PM Oct 23rd from web

Enjoying early morning analysis from my most favorite reverse stalker @Harmzie. Is that perverse?
9:49 AM Oct 24th from UberTwitter

Actually what's perverse is that I have never met @Harmzie in real life AND the entire analysis is being conducted via DM.
9:52 AM Oct 24th from UberTwitter

No sound coming from the new portable speaker I bought for my iPod. Troubleshooting tips include checking the volume. What am I - stupid?
1:00 PM Oct 24th ago from web

Possibility it's not connected right either. Of course - I am wondering if it has something to do with the fact that I have a 4yo iPod mini
1:00 PM Oct 24th ago from web

Parking lot carnivals scare me. More than usual.
2:36 PM Oct 24th ago from UberTwitter

Currently am overwhelmed by the smell of peanut butter.
4:42 PM Oct 24th ago from web

And thats my week in Tweets!

Burnout

2009-10-23T07:00:00.000-04:00

Iron Man called me on Monday to get the scoop on my race results. For about 10 uninterrupted minutes, I told him all about Saturday's saga - although seeing as he is a coworker, I left out the whole "voices in my head" thing. Anyways, I barely paused for breath and when I finally, finally, finally came to the end of my 3-part miniseries (I don't know how to ~~write a short blog post~~ tell a short story), Iron Man spoke. "I can tell you what your problem is in one word," he said calmly, knowingly.

"What?!" I practically screamed all the while trying not to lunge through the phone and shake this critical wisdom from him.

"Burnout," he said matter-of-factly. "Country Girl - you are burnt out."

And I thought about it and then I felt like weeping because OMG he was so spot on right it wasn't even funny.

I am BURNT OUT and in more ways than one.

Take running. I committed to Kiawah back in JULY. That gave me nearly 5 whole months to train. Well - most half marathon training schedules are no more than 12 weeks and with 7 weeks and 1 day still to go, I am WAY AHEAD OF THE GAME. Of course, the irony is that I feel like I have totally abandoned training. Long runs are few and far between. Monday was the first time I had done speed drills since late August. And all this running on the treadmill has me feeling woefully unprepared for running outdoors. Not to mention my knee is acting up although if I re-committed to stretching daily that might help.

Only - I feel like I don't have time to stretch because oh yeah...guess who has a social life again? That's right. After several months of being a homebody, I have been tentatively dipping my big toe into the social whirlpool. Aw fuck it. Who are we kidding? I dove into the pool headfirst and then decided to cross the damn English Channel. Seriously - chalk this up to another "I don't do moderation" moments in my life.

The good news is that I am going out, I am having fun and I adore being with friends. The bad news is that I am on occasion tired, I feel like I am ignoring things that used to be central to my existence (this blog for one thing, other people's blogs for another - do you know what it's like to open up Google Reader and have 48 unread posts? It's suffocating and overwhelming), and I am not taking great care of my body i.e. I am eating crap. I have gained 7 pounds in the last few weeks and while it doesn't make me overweight, let's just say my superskinny wardrobe is starting to feel snug. Because I was superskinny - superskinny even for me. Then again - is it realistic to expect to maintain superskinny status forever? Maybe I should go with something more sustainable...only...like moderation, sustainability is something I struggle with. I tend to be an all or nothing, black or white, take it or leave it kind of girl. Hence the Burnout.

So yeah. I am burnt out on a lot of things right now and so I am trying to find some balance. It's not easy given my personality but I am trying.

I don't know what it is. It sure as hell ain't country and frankly this whole tagline thing is killing me so maybe this is the post where I give up on the clever taglines and just give you me in the raw. Because that's how I feel. Utterly raw.

I Am Not Afraid To Talk To Celebrities

2009-10-22T07:00:00.004-04:00

So it's not like Richard Childress and I are TOTAL strangers. We spoke on the phone. Once. And I am very good friends with his business partner. And it was The Partner who suggested - nay who ENCOURAGED me to find Richard while I was at the race on Saturday.

Me: Seriously?

The Partner: Absolutely.

Me: He won't know me from Adam.

The Partner: He'll be delighted.

Me: Ok. (Because apparently I need my head examined or something.)

Anyways, The Partner told me that Richard was usually down in the garages pre-race and to just "hunt him down" and "find him." Frankly I was a wee bit skeptical but by the time we made it down to the garages I was feeling rather bold and so I asked someone working on Kevin Harvick's car if Richard was around. Mind you - I didn't ask like some crazed race fan and I made sure to drop The Partner's name at least 3 times and actually he was pretty nice about the whole thing and said that he hadn't seen Richard that day but it was hit or miss with him and that if I wanted to catch him I should just loiter between the Cheerios hauler and the Shell Penzoil hauler.

Well, I had better things to do than loiter so I decided it wasn't meant to be.

We returned to the garages a few hours later and once again feeling bold and empowered, I asked the first person I found wearing RCR gear if Richard was around as I was friends with The Partner and The Partner had instructed me to find Richard. I got the same answer: Haven't seen him. He's hit or miss. Hang out - you're bound to spot him.

Being the rebel that I am, I decided to wander. And so it was that we found ourselves back on Pit Road. And so it was that one of my race day companions noticed that Richard Childress was on some kind of stage about 100 feet away taking part in some kind of presentation. And suddenly - I WAS ON.

You know how they say that when you're in some kind of life threatening situation or imminent danger your entire body reacts and if forced to you could probably lift an 18 wheeler off of a kitten? So it is when you are faced with the opportunity to ~~accost~~ meet a racing legend and you have exactly 0.02 seconds to get his attention.

I watched people depart the stage one by one. I positioned myself near the ropes that cordoned off the legends from the crazy race fans. Not that I was a crazy race fan. Nope. Was not. I had been instructed to find Richard and introduce myself. In person. Cuz after all - we were kind of old phone chums. So I totally deserved to be where I was.

And then there he was. The man in black. Surrounded by his entourage. Heading off the stage and walking my way. And for the record - there were die hard fans. People who wanted an autograph and stuff. But I prevailed. I did. Because here's what happened:

(It's like we're old friends. I think he remembered our phone conversation.)

Can you HEAR me in these pictures darling readers? Can you HEAR ME NOT SHUT UP? So yeah - I basically blathered on INANELY AND INCESSANTLY for like 90 seconds and really I have no idea what I said other than that I dropped The Partner's name 1800 times and I blamed HIM for making me ~~accost~~ introduce myself to Richard so brazenly and then I may have said something about how fabulous the winery is and how much I love the wines and how much fun I have when I go there and all the while Richard is just rolling along, signing autographs, smiling, being delightfully good natured and eventually, posing for this photo with me:

So yeah. I am totally not afraid to talk to celebrities. Put me in a room with George Clooney any day. I can handle it.

And if that ain't just the most kick ass story ever, I'll kiss your...

PS A BIG thank you to The Kaiser for once in his life getting something right and for doing such a kick ass job of photo-documenting my lovefest with Richard. Smooches Sugar!

I Think I May Chuck It All and Become a Pit Bunny: Part 2

2009-10-21T07:00:00.002-04:00

The Race - In Photos:

The Big Head Racing Bus.

That's a crapload of coolers. Full of a crapload of beer.

Grandstand seating on top of the BHR bus.

Bunks - for when too much beer creeps up on you. Or because you are camping in the infield for 3 days.

Prefer a hammock? Billy Ray does.

Billy Ray, The Kaiser and Sumo. These are my boys and BTW - they took EXCELLENT care of me!

Me and Sumo kick it off.

Yes that's ME. In front of the #48. The actual car which won the WHOLE race. OMG y'all!

#48's very shiny hauler.

This photo of Harvick's car is a shout out to my friends at Richard Childress Racing. Love Ya!

How could we not take a photo of Gordon's car?

Me standing in JIMMIE'S pit stall. Promptly fainted.

Was revived. And then died. Right there. And went to heaven. Sigh.

Who knew that taping tires to mark the point of reference could be so exciting? But y'all? It really was!

A close up of Jimmie's pit.

The view from the top of Pit Road.

Sumo and Billy Ray loiter near Reutimann's car.

We paused for some of the gorgeous Racing Rock Star's hospitality.

Back to the garages where I once again found myself RIGHT UP NEXT CLOSE TO the #48. The car which actually WON.

The Kaiser in a totally classic Kaiser pose.

My first ever attempt at Cornhole. Solo natch. Cuz I didn't want anyone to see me miss the hole. Like everytime.

The view from the top of the BHR bus at night.

Racing at night is simply lovely.

Me - looking cute but cold on top of the bus.

Me - managing not to fall over the side of the bus.

Y'all have no idea just how close to Turn 3 we actually were. We were THIS close. It rocked.

Final lap before they dropped the flag...

A close up of the winning car...

Billy Ray pokes his face into this photo of Me and The Kaiser. Y'all have no idea how cold I was.

And if that ain't country, I'll kiss your...

I Think I May Chuck It All and Become a Pit Bunny: Part 1

2009-10-20T07:00:00.008-04:00

When people ask me how it is that I got into NASCAR, I tell them that it was a social experiment gone awry. Seriously - I was looking ~~to shock people~~ for blog fodder and the next thing you know I am popping my racing cherry at Bristol (which is akin to losing your virginity to a supermodel), desperately trying to figure out how the Hell to get my rouge little ass to another race before the end of the season, and planning an insane race schedule for 2010 which includes stops at Talladega, Richmond and who knows where else.

I wasn't supposed to be in Charlotte on Saturday. I was supposed to be at a benefit for our local Historical Association (a benefit which I came up with and for which I was largely in charge) but it got postponed and as soon as October 17th opened up on my calendar I called Lilsaej to try to talk her into a repeat of our Bristol antics. Unfortunately, she had a wedding to go to that day (who the Hell schedules a wedding on Race Day??) and for a brief moment I felt the glimmer of hope at the prospect of another race start to flicker out and then I realized that Lilsaej was not my only race loving friend (although she is my FAVORITE race loving friend) and so one night while out with The Kaiser and Sumo (clearly 2 of my more favorite companions these days) I suggested that we all go to the Race and it took them less than 1 second to say Yes. They also told me to factor in our friend Billy Ray Valentine as he had expressed an interest too. No problem.

So I'd like to pause and thank my dear friend The Racing Rock Star who works for NASCAR and got us SELs aka Single Event Licenses which gave us access to the garages, Pit Road and the infield. I'd also like to thank The Kaiser's friends at Big Head Racing whose converted school bus parked in the infield right at Turn 3 served as our racing headquarters.

We left Smalltown USA at around 12:45 on Saturday. Since we did have the SELs I wanted to get to the track as early as possible to take advantage of our good fortune. Also - I have a thing with traffic. You know what else I have a thing with? AVOIDING traffic on Race Day. Seriously. It wasn't quite as smooth as Bristol but The Kaiser drove and we took a back way into the track and wound up right on the very street we needed to be on in order to pick up our credentials from the NASCAR trailer. And with the exception of 1 or 2 instances of cops holding traffic in 1 direction to let it flow in another, we basically cruised right into Lowe's Motor Speedway. We got our credentials and then wound up in free(!) parking on the back side of the track (which is where we wanted to be) and then we headed to the infield. And since The Kaiser had already dropped off our cooler full of beer (and other things) the day before, we did not have to pack mule a thing.

Photos come tomorrow but all I can say is this: there really is no better way to watch a race than from a converted school bus. And while you might be scratching your head going how awesome can a converted school bus be, the answer is: AWESOME. So we stopped off at the BHR bus, grabbed a beer and then headed straight for the garages and Pit Road. And OMG y'all - it is fucking cool as shit to be out there while they are working on the actual cars. And then to stroll down Pit Road? To stand in the #48's pit stall? I died. I died right there on the spot and went to heaven.

And after our fill of AWESOMENESS we stopped by The Racing Rock Star's hospitality tent for even more AWESOMENESS (and food and drinks) and I have to say - the fellas were impressed with what Country Girl delivered and to tell you the truth - so was I. Although - really, I didn't do much. It was all about The Racing Rock Star and she gets a HUGE GIANT GINORMOUS thank you!

I swear by the time we got back to the BHR bus I felt like it had been hours and I guess technically it had been hours but there were still hours to go until the race and so yeah...sometimes when you start at 2pm, 7:40pm can seem like an eternity. And there's really nothing to do but drink and eat and hang out and watch football because Oh Yeah - just because you're hanging out at a converted school bus in the infield parked right at Turn 3, doesn't mean you don't have TV. These cats are civilized! Seriously.

And the race finally started and I managed to make it up and down the ladder to the top of the bus (where the seats were) without breaking my neck and Holy Hell y'all it was flipping cold. At one point I was wearing a tee shirt, a flannel shirt, a wool sweater, a fleece, a second fleece, a hat, a scarf, gloves AND I was wrapped in a fleece blanket AND I was huddling up against whoever was closest and I still froze my tootsies off. But it was a glorious night and the view from the top of the bus was magnificent and what was even more magnificent was that MY DRIVER WON (Go #48) which was so much better than Bristol because really...who likes Kyle Busch? No one.

And we left with about 25 laps to go in order to avoid traffic and avoid traffic we did...or if we hit any I have no clue since I promptly fell asleep as soon as we got in the car. But I woke up in time to suggest a post-race breakfast at Waffle House (I am beginning to be a regular there and this thought scares me) and then we were all revived and refreshed and so we hit Zippers for an hour because nothing says I am a rougeneck like watching the Race from a converted school bus in the infield followed by Waffle House followed by a nightcap at a biker bar.

And seriously y'all? I might just chuck it all and become a pit bunny.

And if that ain't country, I'll kiss your...

What Was I Thinking?

2009-10-19T07:00:00.006-04:00

I ran in a 15K on Saturday and the only thing I could think the entire 1 hour, 18 minutes and 46 seconds that I was running was: "OMG Country Girl. You are OFFICIALLY INSANE. What were you thinking signing up for a HALF MARATHON and Holy Hell Girl - isn't 9.3 miles enough? You really want to run 3.8 MORE MILES AFTER?" Seriously y'all? It was kind of disheartening.

First of all - there is nothing like leaving your house before the crack of dawn, when it's dark, cold, rainy and generally depressing. That does not do much to inspire. Then there's the whole: "Seriously? There's traffic at THIS hour?" thing which just had me scratching my head because who the Hell is driving ANYWHERE before 7am on a Saturday except those of us already diagnosed as clinically insane?

You know what else sucks? Getting to the GINORMOUS shopping center where the race was starting from and NOT BEING ABLE TO FIND PARKING. OMG - who knew that it could be such a challenge and take 10+ minutes?

Then there's the whole "pre-race pee" because even though I rarely drink or eat anything before I run, I always get nervous and so I do what my Fairy Godmother calls the prophy pee. So after I finally parked I hotfooted it over to Harris Teeter only...the entire field of women racers was on line to pee and I still had to pick up my time chip. I don't like feeling stressed or crunched for time and I totally did which I hated but I managed to pee and then hotfoot it over to registration (and seriously knee and ankle - must you start aching during this minor little jog?) and get my time chip and then head to the starting line because I like to be towards the front.

Yeah. Banner morning.

Ok - so here's the exciting thing. For my birthday, my awesome brother, my fantastic sister-in-law, and my deliciously adorable nephew got me a Garmin Forerunner which is a very fancy schmancy GPS watch which basically does everything except run the race for me. It arrived on Tuesday and I gave myself a crash course in how to use it on Friday night at around 8pm. I didn't really care about all of the fancy bells and whistles - I mean I do care and I will eventually care or something to that effect - but I was most interested in being able to monitor my pace. This is why training on a treadmill is bad sometimes - your pace is perfectly controlled. But when you run in the real world? Well - not so much. And I noticed that during the race. My pace was all over the place. Sometimes I was running in the low 7s and sometimes I was in the mid 9s.

I had told myself that my Happiness Goal was to run the race at an 8:30 pace and that my Mountaintop Goal was to run it at an 8:15 pace. As it turns out, I ran it at an 8:20 pace which put me square in the middle and which I am happy with but during the race I was frustrated that I was so erratic.

And here's the thing - I am competitive. ULTRA COMPETITIVE. And it took every ounce of self restraint I had NOT to blow it out of the water early on and to keep myself at an ~ 8:30 pace for at least the first 4 miles because Holy Hell y'all - 9.3 miles is ALOT of miles. And meanwhile - I got caught in a pack of runners and these 2 women in matching Christian Audigier t-shirts kept passing me and then I kept passing them and then I'd slow down and get caught up in the pack and then I'd get annoyed so I'd speed up. And I couldn't tell if these were really better runners than me or if I was as good as them if not better. And the only thing I could judge on was the quality of their calf muscles and their accessories. Then again, a camelback doesn't make you a good runner. It just makes you a hydrated one.

(And a brief moment to digress here to say that for the record I think running skirts are STUPID. You're running ladies - ok? I mean puh-leeze.)

Anyways - I finally broke free from the pack and kind of sort of found my rhythm. I don't know. Maybe not. At one point it started to rain and I panicked about having some kind of electronic meltdown. I figured between the Garmin, my car key tied to my shoe and my iPod something was going to short out. And then when I hit mile 3 I basically wanted to smack myself on the head because OMG - why didn't I just run a 5K? I had a similar moment of zen at the 6-mile mark.

To make it worse, my right calf and my right hamstring were crampy and I've never experienced cramps while running before and I knew it was because I did a poor job of stretching but what are you supposed to do? Run through the pain? Stop? Stretch? NO ONE PREPARED ME FOR THIS PEOPLE.

Oh. And it was COLD. I mean - I couldn't feel my hands until somewhere after the 3rd mile.

And finally I sort of relaxed. I mean it was a pretty course through a tony subdivision by the Lake and we ran through a park and by the water and I was sort of back and forth in my head the whole time about 1) how insane I was and 2) how I could not possibly really think I was actually going to run a half marathon and 3) why couldn't I just enjoy the run instead of being so ultra competitive and 4) I need to get off the treadmill and start training on the road in order to better manage my pace and ultimately my expectations. Yeah - it's not always easy being me.

But then do you know what happened? At mile 7 I totally snapped out of it. Seriously. I realized I was 7 miles in with 2.3 left and Oh Yeah I can run 2.3 miles in my sleep. And I picked up my pace. And I started to pass people. And I felt a rush. I felt exhilarated. And the cramps disappeared. And I could feel the blood circulating in my hands. And the voices in my head finally shut the fuck up and I focused on pushing myself towards the finish.

And suddenly we were turning left at the fire station and heading back to the shopping center. And people were cheering us on. And then "Please Don't Stop the Music" by Rhianna came on my iPod and OMG that song makes me want to shake a tailfeather and I basically hauled ass the last 3 tenths of a mile even passing this one dude who'd been in front of me the entire time. Seriously - I put on a burst of speed and sprinted right by him to cross the finish line at 1:18:46. And then I went and got a beer because that's right - THEY HAVE BEER at these things which makes total sense to me. I think.

And while I was thrilled that I actually finished (especially in light of my shitty attitude during the race), I confess - I was also disappointed. I've been successfully able to conquer my recent Mountaintop Goals and to fall short was a bummer. And I was kind of mad at myself for being down on myself the entire race too. I wasn't my usual "I'm a Badass" self and that bummed me out.

I wish I could say that this post has a happy ending. That I bitchslapped the negative voices in my head and drop kicked them into the Lake. But I didn't. And even today there's a small part of me that's seriously, seriously questioning my decision to run Kiawah in December. I know what they say: if you can run 9.3 miles you can run 13.1. The bigger issue for me is: can I run them the way I want to and what is realistic to expect as far as the outcome and results and should I even care about those things or should I just be content if I finish? Sigh. As I said - it's not always easy being me.

And if I'm not a totally complicated pain in the ass...well - I am. So there.

My Week In Tweets: October 11 - October 17

2009-10-18T12:20:00.000-04:00

Waking up in the middle of the night with a headache akin to someone splitting my head in 2 with a meat cleaver is just fucking lovely.
4:16 AM Oct 11th from UberTwitter

Head"ache" is an understatement. Head"Holy-Hell-I-am-in-Excruciating-Pain-Will-You-Please-Stop-Boring-a-Hole-in-My-Skull" is more accurate.
4:36 AM Oct 11th from web

So 2 Advil, 1 Allegra and a few more hours of sleep have turned the pain from blinding to tolerable. Oh sinuses - WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU?
6:54 AM Oct 11th from web

Loves me a man in some Lederhosen.
4:21 PM Oct 11th from UberTwitter

Lederhosen are even sexier when there's an accordion involved. And beer. Lots and lots of beer.
4:28 PM Oct 11th from UberTwitter

Dearest @lilsaej: as per your request, I will make sure they play "In Heaven There Is No Beer" at your funeral. Xo Rougie
4:39 PM Oct 11th from UberTwitter

Meanwhile I am totally fascinated by Too Fat Polka..."If she'd lose some, I would like her more some..." Oh dear.
4:40 PM Oct 11th from UberTwitter

File my previous Tweet under Politically Incorrect Polkas.
4:41 PM Oct 11th from UberTwitter

Go #48!!!
5:25 PM Oct 11th from UberTwitter

C'Mon Jimmie!!!!
6:56 PM Oct 11th from UberTwitter

Way to go #48! And the new Chase leader! Woo -hoo!
7:27 PM Oct 11th from UberTwitter

Apparently I have a serious thing for potatoes. I had no idea.
7:42 PM Oct 11th from UberTwitter

I still have a headache. Xteen hours later. Sigh.
9:08 PM Oct 11th from web

Love being admonished by a colleague for taking initiative. WTF???
5:22 PM Oct 12th from web

Dear Facebook Photo Uploader: Stop being such a bitch! xo Rougie
5:39 PM Oct 12th from web

Oh pilot episode of 90210 - how I love thee. Let me count the ways: Brandon's hair, Maxwell Caulfield, Brenda pretending to be in college...
6:53 PM Oct 12th from web

It's dark, foggy and damp. It's the trifecta of sucky driving conditions.
6:56 AM Oct 13th from UberTwitter

So it turns out I am NOT combustionally challenged. I had a pressure problem. And a leak.
2:26 PM Oct 13th from web

Problems have been fixed which means Rougie is no longer freezing her ass off....
2:26 PM Oct 13th from web

Ok. You're going to have to pry these candy corns from my cold, dead fingers....
7:44 PM Oct 13th from UberTwitter

Who knew there were so many similarities between ironing and doing your hair.....
8:50 PM Oct 13th from UberTwitter

Joy. Wearing my first pair of black tights of the season and I've already snagged them. Crap.
7:55 PM Oct 14th from UberTwitter

So yeah. Men Who Stare At Goats. Ok. You mean HOT Men Who Stare At Goats. Hot despite the epic facial hair.
8:24 PM Oct 14th from UberTwitter

It's October. It's in the 40s. Damnit - I am wearing a coat. Besides - I have an awesome new coat to wear.
9:22 AM Oct 15th from web

of course - i am totally going bare-legged....
9:24 AM Oct 15th from web

Had the most insane grilled pimento cheese sandwich for lunch. So much butter I can still smell it on my fingers. OMFG so damn good.
1:20 PM Oct 15th from UberTwitter

Just replaced my running shoes. Sadly color choices were nonexistent and my new shoes are a sad mix of gray and mopey mauve :(
2:03 PM Oct 15th from UberTwitter

Why on earth would ONE car have SIX antennas? Seriously - SIX!!!!!!
4:01 PM Oct 15th from UberTwitter

I feel oddly out of touch since I don't know what's going on other than that a child is missing and there's a balloon involved.
4:35 PM Oct 15th from UberTwitter

And yet thanks to Twitter I know *that much*
4:35 PM Oct 15th from UberTwitter

Calls from telemarketers after 8pm are just wrong. And depressing. I'm like: call for me only to discover it's someone hawking an alarm.
8:24 PM Oct 15th from UberTwitter

I had no idea that it was possible to make ranch dressing that had NO taste.
10:07 PM Oct 15th from UberTwitter

I am so used to automatic everything that when paper towels don't dispense when I wave my hands I get *confused*
10:42 PM Oct 15th from UberTwitter

Am out with Sumo and the Kaiser. I just set myself up for this shit. #noonetoblamebutme
10:55 PM Oct 15th from UberTwitter

Birthday boy is back in action! <3 Sumo. Want to castrate The Kaiser. Sigh. My life.
11:03 PM Oct 15th from UberTwitter

Sumo likened me to a piece of lean strip steak. I heart that fucker.
11:12 PM Oct 15th from UberTwitter

Amazing how men can't remember shit but OMFG they know who played 3rd base for the Indians in 1953. And 1964.
11:28 PM Oct 15th from UberTwitter

I think the amount of butter I put on my English muffin officially qualifies as OBSCENE.
8:09 AM Oct 16th from web

Sometimes being overly anal and OCD has its downside.
9:12 AM Oct 16th from web

I *need* to shave my legs but oh yeah it's flipping freezing out & my bare-legged days are probably over so maybe I don't need to after all.
11:06 AM Oct 16th from web

File that last Tweet under #joysofwinter
11:06 AM Oct 16th from web

Ok. I just tried to use my car key to automatically lock my house. I think I officially need help. #automationfail
11:47 AM Oct 16th from UberTwitter

Ran 15K in approx 1hr, 18mins.....best part? Post race beer. Whoever invented that was totally genius.
9:39 AM Oct 17th from UberTwitter

My Garmin says I burned 936 calories. That's a good thing seeing as I plan to drink that much Mich Ultra at the OTHER race today....
10:02 AM Oct 17th from UberTwitter

FINALLY heading to the racetrack with Sumo, The Kaiser and Billy Ray Valentine.
12:43 PM Oct 17th from UberTwitter

So yes - meet Billy Ray - a heretofore relatively unknown charcter in the TV series known as my life.
12:45 PM Oct 17th from UberTwitter

At the track. Have credentials and are parked. Heading to Pit Road......
2:06 PM Oct 17th from UberTwitter

The only thing missing is beer and The Kaiser assures me its a matter of minutes.........
2:11 PM Oct 17th from UberTwitter

I'm wandering around Pit Road trying to find Richard Childress. File under #fuckingsurreal
2:58 PM Oct 17th from UberTwitter

Ok - lied. Now I am on Pit Road. Before I was by the garages. Either way - it's fucking awesome!
3:04 PM Oct 17th from UberTwitter

Standing in Jimmie's pit stall at LMS. OMFG! OMFG! OMFG!
3:09 PM Oct 17th from UberTwitter

My Tweeting is about to stop. Mainly b/c it's flipping freezing and I can't type in gloves.
4:09 PM Oct 17th from UberTwitter

Cornholing. Solo. Nuff said.
6:38 PM Oct 17th from UberTwitter

And if that ain't country, I'll kiss your...

The Germans Got SOMETHING Right

2009-10-15T08:02:00.005-04:00

So the Germans got SOMETHING right and by something I mean Oktoberfest because what is better than a holiday that celebrates beer and pork products? Um...NOTHING.

And for the record - I've been to the real Oktoberfest. When I was in college and spent a semester abroad in Italy a bunch of us hopped on a train one random Friday in October and made the 9-hour trip to Munich and we detrained and the first thing I did was drink a beer and then I grabbed my boyfriend and wandered around Munich until I actually found a hotel room because everyone else was all: "I'm gonna stay up all night drinking" or "I'm gonna crash at a hostel" and I was all: "I'm gonna find a hotel room if it KILLS me" and I did to the tune of $400+/night and I totally pulled out the Amex mom and dad had given me "in case of emergency" because Holy Hell y'all - I think that being stranded in Munich sans bed totally qualified as an emergency - don't you?

And for the record - on another one of our little trips my boyfriend tried to cheat the system and mooch an extra day off his Eurorail pass and we totally got kicked off the train going from Barcelona to Dijon and FYI I TOTALLY SPENT THE NIGHT SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR OF A TRAIN STATION SOMEWHERE IN FRANCE which I guess was better than getting thrown in jail although really - are Eurorail crimes prison-worthy? So yeah - I threw that in there to clear up the whole *princess* myth. Although really - is it a myth? I mean - I may be a Country Girl but I am also on occasion a princess and I think it's this delightful dichotomy that makes me so damn loveable. Do you agree darling readers?

What's my point? Oktoberfest is AWESOME and on Sunday Lilsaej, Bobo, Sumo and the Kaiser and I all headed up to Hickory to indulge in pork products and beer.

One beer in.

I am beginning to believe that there is some connection between beer and lederhosen i.e. you must consume an assload of beer in order to actually want to wear lederhosen or you must consume an assload of beer to find lederhosen sexy. Either or.

Lilsaej is sad because her beer is empty. I'd be sad too.

This is a brilliant photo technique that Bobo discovered: cut off at the chin and therefore you AVOID the double chin thing altogether. Brilliant Bobo - just brilliant.

The Kaiser in his natural state. I know - it's scary.

Awww....the happy couple.

I heart Sumo in the biggest way. And oh yeah BTW....Happy Birthday Sugar!

So clearly this was more than 1 beer in....

And this was also the point where I forgot I had my camera and you are so glad because pork products and beer on a Sunday can lead to some wild and crazy shit so...um...yeah....thanks German peeps for creating a total awesome holiday!

Und wenn dieses ain' t-Land, I' Ihr ll Kuss…

Combustionally Challenged

2009-10-13T07:00:00.004-04:00

My life has a new theme song these days: We Didn't Start The Fire. Because OMFG if it's got an ignitor and I own it then it probably doesn't fucking light unless 1) there is some kind of dire emergency and even then there's no guarantee or 2) there are people over watching me in which case OF COURSE IT LIGHTS and OF COURSE IT WORKS because then no one realizes the combustionally-challenged Hell I seem to be living in. Sigh.

It all started with the grill. Specifically my old grill which exploded into a giant fireball on my right arm and which subsequently needed to be shot. Which I did. And then I went out and bought a new grill. Because I like grilling and you can do way more on a grill than you can on a circa 1962 stove with an attitude problem. So I went to Lowe's and bought a basic $99 Char-Broil and had Sumo and The Kaiser come put it together for me (because yeah - I don't do propane) and while they were still here we tested it like 5 times to make sure the ignitor button actually worked and then a few days later I went to turn on my new I KNOW IT WORKS FOR SURE grill and: NOTHING. Oh - the ignitor made a popping sound like it should have worked. But there was no spark. Nothing caught. No flame. I tried for 15 minutes to get that sucker to light to no avail. So yeah. Shoot. Me. Now.

The second time I tried to light the grill it worked but then the 3rd time it didn't at which point I felt like I had basically blown $99 because Holy Hell y'all - I don't like it when my appliances humiliate me. Fuck you cheap Char-Broil with the clearly faulty ignitor. Fuck you.

Of course, I bitched about this incessantly to The Kaiser and Sumo and when they came over for their thank you dinner, they didn't even come into the house. They simply went out back where THEY LIT MY GRILL. BASTARDS. Of course I made them turn it off and then Sumo stood over me while I tried to light it and of course it didn't light so I felt slightly better but OMG y'all - why am I having these problems?

Oh wait. It gets better.

I have no heat in my house. We won't discuss it and all you need to know is that I am ALL OVER THAT SHIT but getting estimates for a furnace replacement takes time and meanwhile it's been a wee bit chilly so I did what any clever girl would do: I ordered ventless gas logs to put in my fireplace as all agreed that they would do a sufficient job of heating my house until the whole furnace thing could be worked out. So they arrived last week and of course I had The Kaiser and Sumo come over and help set them up because not only do I not do propane, but I don't do natural gas. And one day I'll have to video these 2 at work because it's highly entertaining (no we did not make 4 trips to Lowe's because that would have just been silly) but all you really need to know is that we finally, finally, finally got the logs hooked up and we even started them to make sure THEY WORKED AND ALL and I was feeling all sorts of good about my fake fireplace logs until...

The next day it was cold and I went to light them and OMFG they wouldn't light. And it took me 20 minutes and numerous tries and finally, finally, finally they lit but Holy Hell y'all I was literally in tears and I was all: FIRE GODS OF THE UNIVERSE - WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO? And everyone seemed to think it was simply an issue of the logs being new and something about the gas pressure every time I opened and shut the valve and I just sighed and contemplated investing in flannel sheets and some fuzzy socks because really, I can't take it any more.

The good news was when The Kaiser came back on Friday to wrap up a few finishing touches, it took him 400 tries and 20 minutes to get those fuckers lit and he kind of smiled and suggested that I be patient and I smiled back and said OMFG JUST SHOOT ME NOW BECAUSE I AM ONE TORTURED SOUL AND CLEARLY ANYTHING THAT IGNITES HATES ME AND I MIGHT AS WELL JUST GIVE UP RIGHT NOW AND MOVE TO THE DESERT OR LEARN TO RUB 2 STICKS TOGETHER OR SOMETHING BECAUSE THIS SHIT IS RIDICULOUS sure because I didn't want to seem ungrateful or anything.

So yeah. I am combustionally challenged. Clearly.

And if that ain't just damn pitiful, I'll kiss your...

Welcome to North Carolina Where 17.5 Million People Come to Shop

2009-10-12T07:00:00.004-04:00

I love to shop as much as the next girl. In fact, I probably love to shop MORE than the next girl. But when I found out that Concord Mills was the #1 tourist attraction not only in the Charlotte region BUT IN THE ENTIRE STATE of North Carolina I wanted to head up to Concord and personally yell at the 17.5 million people who visit there annually. SERIOUSLY PEOPLE?

You'd rather shop at a giant mall than:

* Visit Biltmore Estate?
* See Chimney Rock State Park?
* Hike Grandfather Mountain?
* Check out the Billy Graham Library?
* Attend a race at Lowe's Motor Speedway?
* Smell the orchids at Daniel Stowe Botanical Gardens?
* See the lighthouse at Historic Ocracoke?
* Explore the Land of the Waterfalls?
* Wander through the Mint Museum?
* Take a walk down memory lane at the Old Salem Museum and Gardens?
* Scale the highest peaks of the Sauratown Mountains at Hanging Rock State Park?
* Play with the animals at the Lazy 5 Ranch in Mooresville?
* Drive through Christmas Town USA?
* Go rafting at the U.S. National Whitewater Center?
* Watch the Panthers lose at Bank of America Stadium?
* Play 18 holes at Grove Park Inn?
* Take a tour of historic Downtown Laurinburg?
* Visit the 1767 Chowan County Courthouse?
* Walk the Dismal Swamp Trail?
* Discover something new at Discovery Place?

I am stymied. Seriously. Especially because my one encounter with Concord Mills left me scrounging through the bottom of my purse for a spare Xanax and wishing that drive through daquiri stands were still a reality.

So here's the story. Back in May one of our local Rotary Groups hosted an exchange team from Chile and I wound up volunteering to accompany the group to Lowe's Motor Speedway for a tour. Which I did. And I blogged about it. At least - the tour part. What I failed to write about was the fact that after the tour I had to drive over to Concord Mills to meet up with the rest of the group who had opted to go shopping. OMG. Shoot. Me. Now.

Did you know that there are like a dozen entrances to Concord Mills? And I sort of turned into the first one I could find but then I had to find "Door 8" (or something) and I was at "Door 3" (or something) and I had no idea whether to go right or left and so I opted for one direction which turned out the be THE ENTIRELY WRONG DIRECTION and so then I turned around and basically drove around the ENTIRE PERIMETER of this ginormous mall and I couldn't fucking find Door 8 only Door 7 and then I was in some kind of loading dock area and Holy Hell y'all I had a handful of Chileans in the car with me and I was in the throes of a FULL ON ANXIETY ATTACK and so yeah...that's another reason why I hate Concord Mills.

And in case you actually care, I did finally manage to find the right door and we met up with the rest of the group. And then the cherry on the sundae known as The Day On Which Concord Mills Killed My Spirit was driving back on I-85 in rush hour at which point I seriously contemplated pulling my car over to the side of the road, getting out, and hurling myself into oncoming traffic only oncoming traffic WASN'T FUCKING MOVING and so it probably wouldn't have done any good anyways.

The upside to that day was that I got introduced to Baby Guinness.

And if Irish Whiskey for Jews doesn't totally save the day, I'll kiss your...

My Week In Tweets: October 4 - October 10

2009-10-11T07:00:00.001-04:00

Citibank. Sigh.
2:24 PM Oct 4th from web

Margaritas, the Race and now football with Sumo. It's a happy kind of Sunday.
5:30 PM Oct 4th from UberTwitter

Why am I up this early and why am I headed to the gym?? File under #insane or #priceyoupayforavoidingthegymlastweek #margaritasyesterday
4:57 AM Oct 5th from web

No - I did not just lock myself out of the house. Because that would be foolish....
12:18 PM Oct 5th from web

And of course I was not wearing pajamas, a ratty sweater and a scarf. Cuz that would have been wrong...
12:22 PM Oct 5th from web

I won't even discuss my hair...
12:23 PM Oct 5th from web

I hate being kept waiting........hate.......
7:30 PM Oct 5th from UberTwitter

Do 100 calorie snack packs lose their value if you eat more than 1?
4:02 PM Oct 6th from UberTwitter

At a table full of men who ordered baked salmon. I opted for ribeye. Medium rare. #rolereversal
8:52 PM Oct 6th from UberTwitter

So yeah - this whole still dark thing at 7am blows big time.
6:50 AM Oct 7th from UberTwitter

I am drinking orange juice. I *never* drink OJ but I have a sore throat and I absolutely refuse to get sick.
6:57 AM Oct 7th from UberTwitter

I am not so sure how much Diet Pepsi helps with the "may be sick" thing but it certainly does wonders for the whole "crap I'm tired" thing.
7:03 AM Oct 7th from UberTwitter

I smell like a tropical drink courtesy of the coconut lime body lotion in my hotel room.
7:45 AM Oct 7th from UberTwitter

You have to love a conference where the speakers reference sxeual fetishes, enemas, and the retardation of a certain governor....
10:08 AM Oct 7th from UberTwitter

Not simultaneously of course.
10:09 AM Oct 7th from UberTwitter

Also - love anyone who shows clips from a Cary Grant movie......
10:10 AM Oct 7th from UberTwitter

Did I miss something? Is it National Be a Shitty Driver Day?
3:01 PM Oct 7th from UberTwitter

Yes. It IS National Be A Shitty Driver Day. Damn - wish I would have known.....
3:06 PM Oct 7th from UberTwitter

Spotted in the audience at the Yankee game: Kate Hudson. Me: What is she doing there? Sumo: That's who A-Rod is banging.
8:05 PM Oct 7th from web

Me: Something is wrong when you know more about celebrity gossip than I do. Sumo: Nah - I just know a little bit about sports. Me: Sigh.
8:06 PM Oct 7th from web

Oh dear. Waiting for Sumo and The Kaiser to finish hooking up my ventless gas logs. Am starving and wine as dinner is not sufficing.
8:43 PM Oct 7th from web

Yahoo headline: "Pirates Attack Wrong Ship." Um - I didn't realize that pirates had *standards*
11:04 AM Oct 8th from UberTwitter

Here's my promise to @linkone1: revamp my lexicon and replace the word girl with the word woman.
7:37 PM Oct 9th from UberTwitter

Wondering what it's like to be hit on by a lesbian.
8:28 PM Oct 9th from UberTwitter

I didn't even know that Jennifer Lopez was still alive. I am supposed to give a crap that she has an alter ego too?
2:19 PM Oct 10th from web

Why doesn't Blogger spellcheck recognize Xanax?
4:29 PM Oct 10th from web

Saturday night at the grocery store can be interesting. Guy before me bought a 10-lb bag of ice and a giant box of Fruit Loops.
6:40 PM Oct 10th from UberTwitter

Also - is anyone else tempted to buy 5 lbs of candy corns and consume them in a single sitting???
6:41 PM Oct 10th from UberTwitter

I want a glittery ceiling.
7:24 PM Oct 10th from UberTwitter

I am going to emerge on the other side of today that much stronger.
11:03 PM Oct 10th from web

And if that ain't delightfully random, I'll kiss your...

A Lame List Cuz I Have Nothing Else to Blog About

2009-10-09T08:00:00.003-04:00

It's officially Fall. I mean - it was officially Fall a few weeks ago but somehow it never quite feels like Fall until October and so 9 days into October I can comfortably say that it's officially Fall. And since there is absolutely NOTHING OF INTEREST GOING ON IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW (I know - y'all are shocked!) I figured I'd wax prophetic on all of the things I love about this season.

* Leaves changing colors
* Hot tea in the morning with loads of Splenda and half & half
* Sweaters and boots
* Pumpkins
* The abundance of candy
* Cool mornings and warm afternoons
* Jeans
* The Chase
* Red wine. These days I am on a Malbec kick.
* Fleece
* Flannel
* Fire in my fireplace
* The return of soup to my diet
* Black tights
* Things that stick to your ribs
* MLB Play-offs
* Oktoberfest
* Corduroy
* Choosing a Halloween costume
* Back to School specials
* Dark lipstick
* Cashmere
* My new perky, purple coat. It is literally the happiest coat you have ever seen.
* The Great Pumpkin on ABC
* The prospect of stuffing
* All things apple

What do you love about Fall?

A Case of Mistaken Identity

2009-10-06T05:30:00.000-04:00

Apparently I have a doppelganger. She dresses a little more shabbily than I normally do. And her hair is typically way out-of-control frizzy. And frankly - she could stand to put on a wee bit of make-up. But aside from those minor differences - she definitely resembles me. Kinda. Sorta. At least physically she does. But mentally? Not so much. Because I am a total anal-retentive, responsible OCD freak and my doppelganger - well, she locks herself out of the house like some sort of flaky teenager and that's just so. Not. My. Style.

So that was NOT ME you saw standing in my driveway yesterday at just a few minutes past noon, rain-soaked and cold, bedraggled and bewildered, clutching a damp pile of mail and scanning oncoming traffic for the locksmith. That was SO NOT ME. That was HER. My pajama-clad, frizzed out doppelganger.

Because I do not lock myself out of my house. I DO NOT. And I certainly don't do it while dressed in purple cropped PJ pants festooned with skulls, ~~a totally ratty~~ an oversized charcoal gray cardigan and a black scarf knotted around my throat because I am perpetually cold because I have no heat in my house. Oh yeah - blame Miss Thang for that too. Responsible folks like me deal with their lack of heating BEFORE the first 50-degree day. They do. I do. But my doppelganger? She clearly needs a little Jack Frost nipping at her something to kick her shabby ass into gear. Sigh.

And you can rest assured that I would never leave the house looking like I just stuck my finger in a socket. Because I wouldn't. Because I am way too classy. Because my mama done raised me the right way. But my evil twin? Well - she was raised by heathens and let's just say when she's having a bad hair day, she's not afraid to show it. To anyone. And in this case, the steady stream of busy lunchtime traffic shuttling past my house.

So yeah - clearly there was a giant case of mistaken identity yesterday. And to all of you who thought you saw ME in a moment of utter ~~WTF? weakness~~ shock and horror at my own mental clumsiness, rest assured - it wasn't ME. It was HER.

Now excuse me. I need to take my daily dose of lithium.

Deep Fried Fair

2009-10-05T07:00:00.001-04:00

I love county fairs. LOVE 'em. Which might surprise you seeing as at one time in my life I was a City Girl but actually I grew up going to the Dutchess County Fair every summer and to this day the right combination of pork products, fry oil, livestock and stuffed animals makes me kind of weak in the knees.

Saturday a group of us went to the Cleveland County Fair. I went a few years ago and I was especially excited to go back because OMG I have been DYING to go to a tractor pull and it was at the Cleveland County Fair 2 years ago that I attended my first (and heretofore only) tractor pull and because I ~~have insane OCD~~ am me, I actually looked up the Fair schedule a few days before and WHAT THE HELL Y'ALL: No flipping tractor pull. Seriously. I. Was. Devastated. And while I was pleased to see that there was a motorcycle demolition derby scheduled for Saturday night, it did not quite ease the pain of no tractor pull. I know. I need help. Clearly.

So Saturday was an awesome day weather wise and we got to the fair mid afternoon and got decent parking (on concrete - me and my new (used) car thank you very much) and OMG Y'ALL - big sign posted upon entering: DEMO DERBY CANCELLED. WTF Fair Peeps?! SERIOUSLY? Are you trying to kill me? I was miffed for about 2 seconds and then we entered the fair and it was like walking into a giant vat of fry oil and I immediately forgot my vehicular entertainment woes. Seriously - if you want something fried, go to a county fair - or perhaps specifically The Cleveland County Fair although really I think the "anything and everything fried" syndrome exists at county fairs nationwide. And if it's not fried, it's smothered in cheese or chocolate. And sometimes it's both - fried and smothered that is, not smothered in cheese and chocolate. Here's what I remember foodwise:

* Italian Sausage
* Polish Sausage
* BBQ
* Frito Pie
* Vinegar Fries
* Curly Fries (chili and cheese optional)
* Ribbon Fries
* Cheeseburgers
* Cheesesteak
* Ribs
* Corn Dogs
* Hot Dogs
* Chicken Nuggets
* Chicken Tenders
* Chicken Pitas
* Country Ham Biscuits
* Pickle Chips
* Roasted Corn
* Apple Dumplings
* Fried Dough
* Candy Apples
* Caramel Apples
* Soft Serve Ice Cream
* Old Fashioned Ice Cream
* Cotton Candy
* Fried Pies
* Doughnuts
* Fried Oreos
* Fried Candy Bars
* $4 Cream Soda made with all natural cane sugar
* Sundrop Slushies
* Peach Nehi Slushies

Did I leave anything out? It's possible. And I won't give you the bite by bite detail of what our group consumed - although I will give 2 very enthusiastic thumbs up to the fried pickle chips and the peach Nehi slushi...

Anyways, after 1 round of our gorgefest, we strolled through one of the the exhibit halls and eyed the oversized veggies, the various crafts and dioramas, and this utterly creepy exhibit:

Then we wandered through the Midway and Lilsaej won an adorable stuffed puppy playing Mash-A-Mouse and I blew through $5 of quarters in about 3 minutes playing the color game. So I don't know what YOU all call it but I call it the color game. You know - the one where they have 20 or 30 different colors listed around the outside of the booth-tent thingy (oh...the joy of writing blog posts on Sunday night. My intelligence is overwhelming y'all. Booth-tent thingy? Sigh...). Anyways - there are a bazillion colors and you put a quarter on whichever one you think is going to win (or in my case you play 5 colors at a time) and then the Carnie spins a big wheel and then puts a tin cup in the center of the spinning wheel and...OUT POPS A WHITE RAT and then he runs around the wheel and whichever hole he crawls into is the color that wins. And I know I did a crappy job of explaining it but oh look - if you Google "rat color carnival game" this comes up and so maybe you get what I am talking about. Also? I totally took a picture of the rat:

I also took a picture of Lilsaej doing her best Dirty Harry impersonation:

And then we wandered over to the livestock area and OMG y'all...chickens totally smell, and we saw a 2200 pound horse which I did not take a picture of but I did take a picture of the peeps because OMG - is there anything cuter??

After the animals, we broke for round 2 of Deep Fried Everything (washed down with peach Nehi slushies) and then hit the back half of the Midway where we ran into some very intense Carnies (I mean - VERY intense - even by Carnie standards), I paid $2 to see some "bizarre" animals including a Zonkey, a 5-legged sheep, and the world's largest swamp rat ("Alive. Alive. Smell Them To Know They're Alive." - this was on repeat over the speakers to assure us that our money was well spent.) and we played 2 hands of Bingo and lost.

We did not ride any rides although it turned out many rides weren't running - including the Ferris Wheel which was a disappointment to most of the group although not me. You can stick me on a roller coaster that goes 200MPH, spins me upside down 18 times and drops me straight down 175 feet and I won't cringe but OMG stick me in a Ferris Wheel that stops with me at the top and my wee little car starts to sway in the breeze...ACK HOLY HELL GET ME DOWN FROM HERE RIGHT NOW. So yeah. Slight fear of heights.

Anyways, we made our way to the exit just as the ENTIRE UNIVERSE was making their way in which was good because it was a full moon and I expect that the combination of a full moon, Carnies, fried (fill in the blank) and strange animals lead to some strange goings on.

Just sayin'...

And if that ain't country, I'll kiss your...

My Week In Tweets: September 27 - October 3

2009-10-04T13:28:00.003-04:00

Dear Weather Peeps: I've had it with the wet, the grey and the rain. Show me what else you can do. Okay? Thanks. xoxo Rougie
8:45 AM Sep 27th from web

Dear Fly Lord: Stop sending your minions to my house seeking haven because I will continue to massacre you like Papa Doc Duvalier. xo Rougie
8:47 AM Sep 27th from web

Round 2 @ the Honda dealer. My salesguy was just paged with "your lady is here." Oh dear. You fellas have no idea who I am do you???
1:12 PM Sep 27th from UberTwitter

Meanwhile - I don't appreciate being kept waiting. It's not like there is ANYONE else here. Buying a car or not.
1:15 PM Sep 27th from UberTwitter

#48 is in the lead AND I am driving a new (used) car. Awesome afternoon. Awesome!
4:51 PM Sep 27th from UberTwitter

I am getting ready to atone for my sins. Not sure if 24 hours is long enough...
6:57 PM Sep 27th from web

Woman next to me kept popping butterscotch candies during Kol Nidrei services. I guess she missed the memo about the whole fasting thing.
9:58 PM Sep 27th from web

At least she had the decency to pick up her wrappers after services were done.
9:58 PM Sep 27th from web

How long do most massacres take? We are into Day 4 of the Great Fly Massacre of 2009 and the exoskeleton count is in the 100s.
8:20 AM Sep 28th from web

I can make it til 5:30 without food but oh dear the lack of Coke Zero is proving to be tougher than I thought.
11:38 AM Sep 28th from UberTwitter

First post-fast Coke Zero Cherry is so unbelievably good. I may consider making it my new religion.
5:15 PM Sep 28th from UberTwitter

You don't think I'm a football fan? What gave it away? My nose buried in a book or the bored look every time you commented out loud? Sigh.
9:36 PM Sep 28th from UberTwitter

This whole "up 2 - 3 hours every night insomnia routine" is getting old. I really wish it would get tired too. Very, very tired.
2:37 AM Sep 29th from UberTwitter

At CPE at work and feel like I am in middle school: no one wants to sit at *my* table. Sigh.
8:25 AM Sep 29th from UberTwitter

Pipe cleaners are a delightful diversion.
3:09 PM Sep 29th from UberTwitter

Hard up men are so predictable. It's pitiful.
7:24 PM Sep 29th from UberTwitter

It's a 2 Coke Zero kind of morning.
8:10 AM Sep 30th from UberTwitter

Choice 1: Luna Bar. Choice 2: Muffin. Choice 3: pastry looking thing oozing delicious yummy calories....
8:12 AM Sep 30th from UberTwitter

I'm too fucking tired for IT issues.
8:43 PM Sep 30th from UberTwitter

The flashing light factor is unusually high this morning.
10:29 AM Oct 1st from UberTwitter

I am on the phone with IT. Again. This is kind of getting old......
11:26 AM Oct 1st from UberTwitter

So my colleague who DOESN'T have a Blackberry and disappears for days at a time is cranky that I haven't replied to an email from Monday.
11:37 AM Oct 1st from UberTwitter

Even though my Out of Office was on and clearly stated I'd be largely unavailable for 3 days.
11:38 AM Oct 1st from UberTwitter

Hypocrisy makes me stabby.
11:39 AM Oct 1st from UberTwitter

46 minutes. 46 more minutes of my life handed over to the IT overlords who clearly hate me.
11:53 AM Oct 1st from UberTwitter

So yeah. A belt would have been a very useful accessory today. Very useful.
3:15 PM Oct 1st from UberTwitter

Dear Live Music Peeps: this is a small space. Playing so loud that I CAN'T HEAR MYSELF TWEET is not pleasant. Xoxo Rougie
10:04 PM Oct 1st from UberTwitter

Out with The Kaiser and Sumo. Need I say more?
11:57 PM Oct 1st from UberTwitter

The Kaiser is driving me to drink. Heavily.
12:48 AM Oct 2nd from UberTwitter

It took me a minute to figure out why I am so sore today. It might have something to do with my trainer beating me up yesterday. Might.
8:38 AM Oct 2nd from UberTwitter

Dear Car Guy: Just cuz I'm a girl - doesn't mean I don't have a clue. Thanks! Xoxo Rougie
8:48 AM Oct 2nd from UberTwitter

No - I am NOT out with Sumo and The Kaiser. Cuz that would just be wrong.
12:44 AM Oct 3rd from UberTwitter

Let me clarify: AGAIN.....(Sigh....)
12:45 AM Oct 3rd from UberTwitter

Becoming reacquainted with The Captain. I believe he will be driving me to Waffle House shortly.
12:58 AM Oct 3rd from UberTwitter

At Waffle House with Sumo and The Kaiser. Getting an education in hashbrowns.
1:35 AM Oct 3rd from UberTwitter

I ordered mine smothered, covered, chunked and diced. Oh dear.
1:36 AM Oct 3rd from UberTwitter

Apparently mayonnaise is the perfect condiment for eggs. And syrup smothered waffles are the perfect side for mayo and eggs.
2:05 AM Oct 3rd from UberTwitter

At @HomeDepot to buy shades however just my luck that both sales associates qualified to custom cut them are with other customers.
11:45 AM Oct 3rd from UberTwitter

Apparently it's a window treatment kind of day. Though I don't actually see anyone else in this aisle.
11:46 AM Oct 3rd from UberTwitter

How long should I wait before blowing off @HomeDepot and heading to @Lowes?
11:52 AM Oct 3rd from UberTwitter

15 unattended minuted after pushing the "Needs Help" button is my limit. Off to Lowes.
11:58 AM Oct 3rd from UberTwitter

Jimmy at #Lowes is so my hero. He even remembered me from when I stopped by asking questions on Monday. #HomeDepot can Suck it!
12:16 PM Oct 3rd from UberTwitter

Damn. The demo derby is cancelled for tonight. AND no tractor pull. The fries better be damn good.
4:01 PM Oct 3rd from UberTwitter

I just blew $5 in quarters to watch a white rat named Fat Albert run in circles on a color wheel. It was addictively fun.
5:27 PM Oct 3rd from UberTwitter

And if that ain't country, I'll kiss your...