If That Ain't Country

My Week In Tweets: December 13 - December 19

noreply@blogger.com (Rougeneck) — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 13:00:00 +0000

Spoke to another runner while getting coffee in the lobby. Suddenly thoughts of the Outer Banks Half Marathon are swirling in my head.
7:23 AM Dec 13th from web

Except OMFG I just said I would never run another half marathon again. Or at least not within the next 3 months.
7:24 AM Dec 13th from web

Seriously - would someone come here and beat me repeatedly on the head with a croquet mallet?
7:25 AM Dec 13th from web

So my masseuse also ran the half marathon yesterday. Poor girl - who's going to give her a massage?
9:18 AM Dec 13th from UberTwitter

Is there a cat in my life that ISN'T flipping HOOOOWWWWLING for me right now?? Um....NO.
4:26 PM Dec 13th from web

Off to brave Wal-Mart on a Sunday. Part of me would rather run another half marathon. I think it'd be easier.
5:15 PM Dec 13th from UberTwitter

Reason 1 to have skipped WMT: dumb broad yakking on cell, blocking traffic while waiting for someone to pull out. God forbid she walks 6 ft
5:27 PM Dec 13th from UberTwitter

Reason 2: jar of broken pickles in my parking spot. If I get a flat I'm hunting that bitch down.
5:28 PM Dec 13th from UberTwitter

Reason 3: used handiwipe in my cart.
5:28 PM Dec 13th from UberTwitter

Spotting the bumper sticker "coon hunters do it all night long" has eased some of the sting however.
5:29 PM Dec 13th from UberTwitter

Suck it 10-digit dialing. You make no fucking sense.
10:27 AM Dec 14th from web

Holiday cards completed: 0 Holiday cards to go: 167 Let the carpal tunnel begin!! WHOOT!
11:23 AM Dec 14th from web

Holiday cards completed: Still 0. But the "To Go" number is down to 159. Also? I have a killer spreadsheet to make labels. #OCD
12:21 PM Dec 14th from web

It's Christmas time in Hollis, Queens YO!
1:19 PM Dec 14th from web

Just discovered the envelopes for our holiday cards are SELF ADHESIVE!! Christmas miracles DO exist. Thank you sweetbabyjeebus!!!
2:02 PM Dec 14th from web

Holiday Cards Completed: 30 Holiday Cards To Go: 129 My Sanity Level: waning steadily
3:13 PM Dec 14th from web

Metallic ink pens: oooohh so pretty. But what an effing mess.
4:32 PM Dec 14th from web

'Tis the season to be charitable. Just made 2 donations and feeling GOOD.
8:00 PM Dec 14th from web

Holiday Cards Completed: Not even 60. #giantmothereffingfail
8:51 PM Dec 14th from web

Run-DMC ought to sing more Christmas carols YO!
8:13 AM Dec 15th from web

I just realized "latkes" rhyme with "vodka." Happy Hanukkah!
8:47 AM Dec 15th from web

99 Luftbalons. 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall. 99 holiday card envelopes labeled (2x) and stamped. 99 holiday cards to go...
9:33 AM Dec 15th from web

Meanwhile I've received half a dozen e-cards...am thinking this is a concept to explore next year....
9:33 AM Dec 15th from web

Holiday cards completed: 95 Holiday cards remaining: 64 Likelihood I'll resume my life by lunchtime: better than average
10:44 AM Dec 15th from web

Lady Gaga on iPod means I might tell someone I want their leather studded kiss in the sand instead of wishing them Happy Holidays.
11:51 AM Dec 15th from web

Holiday cards remaining: 0 Holiday cards completed: 159 Drinks in my future: Directly proportional to the # of cards completed
12:11 PM Dec 15th from web

Reminiscing about Prom. My prom sucked balls. Although I looked like a Robert Palmer girl. A fat Robert Palmer girl.
5:39 PM Dec 15th from UberTwitter

What kind of asshat has their rear windshield wiper on when it's not even raining? Seriously.
7:38 AM Dec 16th from UberTwitter

People driving Nissans are pissing me off this morning.
7:47 AM Dec 16th from UberTwitter

Dear Canadian friends: is it worth me hauling my cookies to south Charlotte to eat at Extreme Pita? Xo rougie
10:43 AM Dec 16th from UberTwitter

12:30 doctor's appointment is really fucking up my eating schedule today.
10:43 AM Dec 16th from UberTwitter

Holy Hell the mall is crowded. Don't you people have jobs? Or if you're unemployed, shouldn't you not be shopping??
1:47 PM Dec 16th from UberTwitter

Dear Chik-Fil-A: don't ever change. Xoxo Rougie
1:51 PM Dec 16th from UberTwitter

It seems appropriate somehow that the 2 stores I need are on polar opposite ends of the mall. Also? I suddenly want a cookie cake.
1:56 PM Dec 16th from UberTwitter

Gift Cards, Promotions and Discounts Oh My!
3:10 PM Dec 16th from UberTwitter

Happy day when I unpack 4 bottles of Gun Bun into the cellar. And 2 bottles of 2005 Syrah? SA-WEEEEEEEEET!
9:22 PM Dec 16th from web

I just discovered that a corckscrew is an excellent tool for cleaning a menorah. How appropriate.
6:57 AM Dec 17th from UberTwitter

Longest. Conference Call. EVER.
10:26 AM Dec 17th from web

Trainer put me through Boot Camp today. Because - you know - I didn't run a Half Marathon within the last week or anything.
11:50 AM Dec 17th from UberTwitter

Dear Cat: Why is it that every time I sit down to eat, you decide THAT'S the perfect time to jump in my lap? xoxo Rougie
1:25 PM Dec 17th from web

My plan to make Dulche de Leche Crispies is not looking good since I can't find effing Dulche de Leche in my wee little town.
1:26 PM Dec 17th from web

If you were going to add something to a traditional Rice Krispie Treat to make it more festive and/or over the top YUMS what would you add?
3:24 PM Dec 17th from web

Dear Weather Peeps: If you fuck up my party tomorrow w/ your planned "wintery mix" I'm gonna be pissed. So please don't. Thanks. xoxo Rougie
3:52 PM Dec 17th from web

I've gone through 2.5 pounds of butter tonight. Anyone want a Lipitor chaser with their Christmas cookies???
9:36 PM Dec 17th from web

How does one follow 20 dozen cookies? Why with 4 pounds of maple-soy snack mix. OF COURSE. (And another glass of wine...)
10:54 PM Dec 17th from web

My cat is looking at me like I am insane. I am inclined to agree.
11:04 PM Dec 17th from web

PS Do I tackle the 2 pounds of homemade pimento cheese tonight WITH wine or wait til the morning?
11:04 PM Dec 17th from web

I'd like to kick the shit out of my trainer right now but OMFG I can't move. OOOOWWWWWWWW.
6:39 AM Dec 18th from web

This wintery mix can SUCK IT.
8:15 AM Dec 18th from web

It's wrong to fry latkes in bacon grease - right?
8:39 AM Dec 18th from web

In general - is it wrong to have so much pork at a Hanukkah party? #bacon #salami
8:45 AM Dec 18th from TwitPic

SCORE! @allbacon is my 200th follower. My life is complete!
9:13 AM Dec 18th from web

While the rest of town stocks up on milk, eggs and bread, I'm at the liquor store. #priorities
10:16 AM Dec 18th from UberTwitter

Trying not to be judgy but somehow the combo of walker, checkbook, cheap wrapping paper & the case of Marlboro REDS is leaving me no choice.
10:29 AM Dec 18th from UberTwitter

Also - if this old dude cuts in front of me I'm gonna have to take him down.
10:30 AM Dec 18th from UberTwitter

No comment on the request for the *giant* bottle of laxative from the walker/checkbook/cigarette lady. None whatsoever.
10:33 AM Dec 18th from UberTwitter

Shopping for a white elephant gift is proving to be a challenge. Whose bright idea was this anyways???
10:47 AM Dec 18th from UberTwitter

And why can't you find a naked lady lamp when you really need one?
10:49 AM Dec 18th from UberTwitter

So 2009 Holiday Barbie totally looks like a drag queen. #justsayin
10:54 AM Dec 18th from UberTwitter

Adult Rice Krispie treats: add 1/2 cup Bailey's to the marshmallow & 1/2 cup chopped toffee w/ the cereal. OMFG INSANELY DELICIOUS!!!
11:37 AM Dec 18th from web

Dear Mother Nature: Kiss my ass and Oh Yeah - FUCK YOU TOO. xoxo Rougie
5:42 PM Dec 18th from web

4 intrepid guests and 5 more en route...#thispartyisgonnahappenifiteffingkillsme
7:40 PM Dec 18th from web

So apparently *only* 9 people can create quite a mess. And someone drank all the Coke Zero (but left me Captain so...um...yeah...ok).
8:32 AM Dec 19th from web

I now have a flask. It says: "Thank God I'm Fabulous." Fuck yeah. Bring it BITCHES. #twitHer
8:47 AM Dec 19th from web

Nothing like a sink full of dirty dishes to make a girl want to crawl back into bed.
9:37 AM Dec 19th from web

So far today: flasks, drunk bitches, vodka. The 1 Saturday morning my dad is on Twitter. Sigh. It's all puppy dogs & fairies going forward.
10:07 AM Dec 19th from web

Bare midriffs. Knee socks. Contrived story lines. Hair gel. 40yos playing college students. Oh 90210 - I heart you so.
11:25 AM Dec 19th from UberTwitter

Watching The Holiday. Premise for this movie is so unbelieveable that even my suspension of disbelief is challenged.
3:24 PM Dec 19th from web

Just updated my Daily Dose of Blog. Lots of love to my #twitHER girls! MWAH Sugars!!!
4:59 PM Dec 19th from web

Wow. Working on my 100 Things (to cement my "Real Blogger" status). This shit is hard.
5:43 PM Dec 19th from web

"Coach Carr - step away from the underage girls." #meangirls
6:28 PM Dec 19th from web

Working on my 100 Things. Anything you really want to know?
7:28 PM Dec 19th from web

All I can say is that after reading through these, I'm glad this week is over. My Lord!!!

Nine

noreply@blogger.com (Rougeneck) — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 14:30:00 +0000

I picked the date specifically. A Friday. The last night of Hanukkah.

I planned well in advance. I sent the original email some time in early November. Because the holidays can be busy.

The RSVPs came in. Somewhere in the neighborhood of 30. In my wee little house. People were either going to be lying in my bed or standing in the basement.

And then Mother Nature decided to fuck me.

Snow. Sleet. Wintery Mix. All effing day without letting up.

Slowly the calls and the texts and the emails came.

"I can't make it."

"Sorry - snowed in."

"My driveway is iced over."

Fuck.

Don't get me wrong. I get it. I didn't want my friends and loved ones out on the road in treacherous conditions. And even if they knew what they were doing, there was a good chance that 99% of the other fucksticks on the road didn't.

Still.

I had planned.

I had prepped.

I had stayed up til 1am baking 20 dozen Christmas cookies.

I had bought a pretty dress.

Fuck you Mother Nature. Fuck You.

In the end - 9 Exceptionally Intrepid Souls braved the elements to help me celebrate:

The Angel: we call her that because OMG she's like my own personal angel here on Earth
The Paper Guy: who drove in from High Point - granted - he started at 1 but still!
Lilsaej: where would I be without T1? Or is it T2?
Bobo: who drove T1 so Thank You!
The Kaiser: who got in a wreck en route and STILL showed!
Sumo: Natch - cuz nothing scares those West Lincoln boys.
Sumo's Brother: More hearty West Lincoln stock.
The Banker: who drove in from CHARLOTTE!!!
The Realtor: who rode with the Banker!

And so 10 of us celebrated. 10 of us ate enough food for 30. We possibly also drank enough for 30 - I wasn't exactly counting because it was my house and I didn't have to go anywhere.

And at the end of the day - it was fun. Because that's how we roll Chez Rougie. And even though Mother Nature decided to kick me in the ass, I kicked her right back. Suck it Mother Nature. Suck it.

PS I love my friends. Fiercely.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK

noreply@blogger.com (Rougeneck) — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 12:00:00 +0000

I get it. Not every one has a smart phone. Or sometimes you are driving/walking/talking/chewing gum/styling your hair/tweezing your eyebrows/giving birth while texting and you want to take a short cut:

u for you

r for are

2 for two or to or too (hello homophones!)

I get it. Been there. Done that. Well - the whole tweezing while texting thing because I don't have kids and I certainly don't drive and text (*ahem*).

Anyways - I'm all for digital shorthand. But you know what pisses me off more than anything?

K.

K is not fucking acceptable. K is lazy, uncouth, and to quote The Kaiser, it's weeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaak.

What is it about O that is so difficult to type? Why can't you take the 2 extra seconds to type one extra letter? Are you afraid of O? Do you have Oprah issues? Overstock issues? Orgasm issues? Did I really just have to go there (sorry mom and dad)?

I'll suffer through the "Imas" and the "Prollys" and the "4s" and whatever other digital shorthand you want to serve up my way.

But please - don't ever tell me "K" because it pisses me off.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK?

Kiawah: In Pictures

noreply@blogger.com (Rougeneck) — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 12:00:00 +0000

The night before my departure, The Kaiser and Sumo took me out for a civilized, celebratory drink.

This was the view of the sunset from my balcony when I checked into the hotel.

This was sunrise the next morning. They look kind of similar.

What idiot gets a pedicure BEFORE she runs a half marathon? Anyways - my virginal, "we've never run more than 10 mile" feet the night before they popped their cherry.

Papardelle Bolognese is one way to carbo load. So is Chianti.

I hate all of the Race morning photos. Given my scarf/sweater situation I look like I have no neck. Also? No hair on my face is not a good look. Sigh. Anyways - me and mom. Neither of us like this photo but I feel compelled to post.

Everything I just wrote above except substitute Dad for Mom. And add "double chin" to the whole "no neck" thing. Ugh.

Coming down the home stretch.

I. Love. This. Photo. It sums up the entire race in 1, determined, Kiss My Ass Kiawah shot.

The Race clock a few seconds before I cross the line. Three to be exact. Not that I was counting.

WINNER! And yes - that's totally an empty beer cup in my hand.

Leave me alone Dad. I have to Tweet/update my Facebook status/text 50 of my nearest and dearest friends.

Dad at the post-Race celebratory dinner. He probably hates this picture too but hey - we'll just call this the Album of Unflattering Photos That Must Be Published Because This Was An Epic Moment For Me and That Means Photos!

Dad and I split a MASSIVE bone-in ribeye. They call it a Tomahawk chop. It was a helluva way to celebrate.

Stormy seas the morning we left.

And that darling readers, concludes this epic journey. Thanks for cheering me on all the way. I couldn't have done it without you!

Kiawah: Go!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Rougeneck) — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 12:00:00 +0000

I don't hear the horn sound - probably because I am so far back - but suddenly a mass of close to 3000 bodies is moving and we are off. It's slow at first - something of a trot - and the first few minutes are awkward as everyone tries to navigate around one another and find their rhythm, find their stride.

I don't know why, but as soon as I leave the Conference Center and start to really run the first mile, I find myself overwhelmed with emotion and I begin to cry. Mom had warned me of this possibility at dinner the night before, but I don't think I truly heard her. My eyes well up, my breathing gets shallow and suddenly everything I've worked so hard for for the last 5 months is right in front of me. In fact, it's more than that. My decision to run to this Race, my commitment to training, doing it alone - it symbolizes So. Much. More. I have 2 hours and 13.1 miles to contemplate and reflect. I take a deep breath, and focus.

The first few miles feel easy. Usually they are the hardest but not today. I worry that all the Shake-A-Tailfeather-Really-Get-My-Ass-Moving songs on my iPod come on too early. These are the songs I need to hear at Mile 8 when I lose my steam, or Mile 12 when I need that final burst. I hope there's a few still left for when the time comes.

At one point I think I have to pee. This despite a prophy pee in my room, another prophy pee in the lobby of the hotel and still another prophy pee at the port-o-potties before the Race. And while there are port-o-potties throughout the course, I'll be damned if I stop.

Around Mile 3 I lose the gloves (prematurely as it turns out). My body is warming up and my hands feel tingly as the blood flows to them. I ball up the gloves and toss them into someone's yard on top of a sweatshirt that's also been shed.

Although the weather is shitty, there are spectators out and about cheering us on. Somewhere between Mile 3 and Mile 4 we turn and there's a reggae band playing. AWESOME.

I feel good about my pace. The crowd has thinned from that first awkward mile and I've got a good rhythm going. I'm not really passing anyone - not trying to - and I don't mind when people pass me.

We hit the turn around just after Mile 6. Not quite halfway and I feel GREAT. It has yet to rain, and I am in the zone. Usually during long runs every mile is an obstacle to get to the finish. Not today. Each mile I complete is an accomplishment. And while I always do the mental math in terms of "how many more to go" today it doesn't overwhelm me. Today I don't say: "Damn girl - why didn't you just do the 10K." Today I say: "Baby girl: You're running a half-marathon and you're going to do awesome. I am So. Proud. Of. You."

Me. This Race, this day - it means so much. This is about a long, hard year that has seen me face some incredible challenges and deal with some monumental pain. It's been a year of loss and change and fear...but it's also been a year of growth, and strength and yes...change. Sometimes, change is good.

I can't help but think about the comments and encouragement I've received in the days leading up to today. So many friends and relatives have wished me well in so many ways. I've received numerous emails and texts, Tweets and comments on Facebook, calls and in person congratulations. Two stand out the most and I play them through my head.

Two days before the Race, The Artist wrote the following in a message to me:

Stop for a moment to reflect on how far you've come since setting your goal! Wow! In my book, you've already won your race. Saturday is just your celebratory run, so enjoy!

I remember reading it the first time and my eyes welling up with tears. She is so right. I've already accomplished so much. Today is about having fun.

And then this morning I got a final message from The Kaiser:

"Life is either a great adventure or nothing at all." I wish you the best of luck in meeting your goal. You've worked hard and kept focused on your goal - now go kick its ass. You know you can - remember that you're the only one you have to impress. Go impress yourself. Be a badass. TODAY IS YOUR DAY.

That hit home. For someone who needs to perpetually be validated by others, I paused and thought that he was actually right: this was really ALL ABOUT ME. And as many congratulations as I hoped to receive when I crossed the finish line, the only pat on the back that mattered was the one I was going to give myself.

Somewhere after the halfway point, the pain sets in. There's that familiar dull ache in my left knee and a tightness running up from my right ankle through my inner right calf. Run. Through. The. Pain. I can. I will. I must.

It helps to have people cheering us on. Also? They have posted inspirational quotes throughout the course. These motivate me as well:

"The difference between the impossible and the possible lies in a man's determination." - Tommy LaSorda

"Set your goals high, and don't stop till you get there." - Bo Jackson

"Champions keep playing until they get it right." - Billie Jean King

For the next few miles, I continue as is. The only benchmark I have in terms of other runners is M. She was standing next to me when we started and she's been near me for most of the race. She occasionally stops to walk and then I pass her. But then she resumes running and usually passes me. I wonder if there's something to the theory of actually resting at the water stations to gain more energy on the back end. I figure I'll give it a try. Also? I am determined to beat her. (Hey - what can I say - I am ultra competitive!)

My hands are numb. Literally. I can barely feel my fingers. I regret tossing my "throwaway" gloves so early. Lesson learned if I ever race again.

When I hit Mile 10, it feels awesome. This is the longest and farthest I have ever run. I check my time: even at this pace, I can bring it in under 2 hours if I stay focused. The next aid station comes up quickly and I slow to a walk, grab a cup of Gatorade, drink it in full (as opposed to tossing it in my face and hoping some of it makes it in my mouth), and then resume running.

Suddenly we turn left onto the bike path. OMG. I know where I am. This is part of the run I did over the summer when I was at Kiawah. I. Can. Do. This.

I pick up my pace. Significantly.

The path is narrow and there are signs that stay "Stay Right Unless Passing." Just like driving. I am on the Left. Passing. Alot. At times I have to veer off the concrete to get around people. My strides feel long and strong. Suddenly I am grateful for all the time and effort I have put into training. For every session with my trainer. For every Saturday at the gym. For the squats I do 3 - 4 times a week. For the 2-minute planks I endure at the end of every session. I. Can. Do. This.

At Mile 12, I can almost taste success. I can run 1.1 miles in my sleep. And although my body is tired and aching, I feel a surge of energy. And then the tailfeather-shakingest song on my iPod comes on (For Your Entertainment by Adam Lambert) and I get another burst of speed.

And then I get a cramp. An "OMG-I-Want-To-Die-Right-Now-Because-I-Can't-Fucking-Breathe" Cramp. FUCK.

I slow down my pace and begin to exhale rapidly. I know that cramps are nothing more than a build up of carbon dioxide. If can exhale enough, it should release the pressure. I check my watch and gauge my ability to make my Mountaintop goal. It's gonna be close.

Adam Lambert ends and Hotstepper comes on. Another Move-Your-Ass-Girlfriend song. The cramp subsides and I push forward. I have less than a mile to go. This is the point where I know I can push myself. Where I can call on every ounce of reserved strength and then some. This is where it all pays off. Every single thing I have done over the last 5 months - this is what it comes down to. As we round the corner to turn back into the Conference Center, I back-up to For Your Entertainment again. This song will carry me across the finish line.

I start to sprint as much as my body will allow me. My feet pound the pavement. My lungs heave as I literally huff and puff. I am overwhelmed as I see the actual finish line. I am about to accomplish a HUGE MASSIVE goal that I set for myself on something of a whim. I scan the crowds briefly for mom and dad and don't see them but I am not really looking. I am looking at the finish line. I am looking in my own beat-up, banged up body for the last burst of energy to make it across the finish line in under 2 hours. And even though the clock at the top says 2:00:43 I know I had about a minute lag time from when the race clock started and when I actually crossed the starting line. Fuck the official results - I am going off of my Garmin.

I power forward with the last remaining bit of strength I have and cross the finish line. 1:59:48. According to my Garmin, I've run 13.27 miles in 1:59:48.

I've done it. I've achieved my Mountaintop goal. I didn't think I would. I really didn't. And here I am. It's so overwhelming I can't even process it. I want to cry. I want to hug someone. I want to climb into the whirlpool. I want to throw myself on the massage table. Instead, I catch my breath. I let a volunteer wrap me in silver Mylar. I accept a plastic "You Finished" medal from another volunteer. And then I go off in search of the beer truck.

Kiawah: On Your Mark...Get Set...

noreply@blogger.com (Rougeneck) — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 12:00:00 +0000

I wake on Race Day at 4:45am. While that seems early, it's actually about 7.5 hours of sleep and I feel oddly rested. The first thing I do is check the weather. So much for rainy and warm or cold and dry: according to weather.com it's going to be cold (feel like the 30s) and there's an 85 - 100% chance of rain during the Race. FML.

I don't want to pull myself out of my bed. The dreamy mattress, the luxurious Italian linens, the feather comforter and pillows are all singing me a lullaby. So are my flannel PJs and the thermostat on 68. 30 and rainy versus this?

But I do get out of bed (eventually). Despite a heavenly massage the day before (Seriously - 90 minutes of big, strong, soft man hands rubbing citrus oil into my aching, over-tired, under-stretched, sleep-deprived, anxiety-riddled, burning-the-candle-at-both-ends muscles left me a changed woman and contemplating a marriage proposal to the incomparable Andrew) I still stretch, I check a few well wishes from friends, and get my head where it needs to be:

Kiawah: I am getting ready to kick your ass. Weather be damned.

I recall the wet, cold, HILLY run I just completed in the Mountains. I. Can. Do. This.

I have a mild wardrobe dilemma while getting dressed. One shirt or two? Shorts or leggings? Will I be cold? Hot? Which is better? The short sleeve wicking shirt I have is too short and makes it near impossible for me to pin my bib on. I think about wearing shorts under yoga pants and giving the yoga pants to mom last minute but it's going to feel like less than 40 degrees THE ENTIRE TIME. I know I'll warm up but I'd rather be hot then cold (I think). I go for a long sleeve wicking shirt and shiny, black tights - no layers. I also grab the $2 gloves I purchased the day before in a pre-Half Marathon shopping spree. At $2, they are disposable.

I get dressed. I look like a serious runner.

Despite eating my weight in papardelle the night before, my stomach is grumbling. Though I usually don't eat before I race - I eat a chocolate peppermint stick Luna bar: 180 calories and 28 grams of carbs. This can only help keep me fueled for what will be close to 2 hours of running.

I check the weather again: it's still cold but the threat of rain has dropped from 85 - 100% to 45 - 55%. Maybe the weather peeps heard my Tweet?

I meet Mom and Dad at 7:15am and we head towards the Conference Center which is where the Race starts. All I know is that it is 1) kind of a giant free-for-all and 2) once the gun goes off, that's when chips are activated. So that means if you are towards the back, your chip time will not be the same time you actually cross the start line and will add to the time of your overall official results. I want to be towards the front.

I am relieved to discover that it isn't raining when we step outside. Cold as a witch's tit, but dry. I am also glad to have someone with me. Seriously - I can't tell you how many races I've been to where I've had to worry about threading my car key on my shoe and I've had to stand around shivering waiting for the Race to begin because there's been no one to hand my sweatshirt to. Well, with mom and dad by my side, I can wear a few extra layers and just hand them off last minute.

My adrenaline kicks in and I begin to get excited.

Dad asks me what my goal is. I tell him that you always have two: your Happiness Goal and your Mountaintop Goal. My Happiness Goal is simply to finish the Race. My Mountaintop Goal is to finish it in less than 2 hours. I'm not sure that's realistic but I'll give it my best.

As it turns out - it's not a total free for all. They group us according to mile time: 6, 7, 8, 9 and everyone else. At this distance, I am more of a 9-minute miler, but I line up in the front of the 8s. I start talking to some of the runners around me and mom and dad flash a few more pictures. Then I strip off my extra layers, hand them to mom and dad, and get ready to run.

My Week In Tweets: December 6 - December 12

noreply@blogger.com (Rougeneck) — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 12:30:00 +0000

No. That's not my ankle hurting after a night of dancing. Because that would be ironic/wrong/a kick in the effing balls #halfmarathonin6days
10:24 AM Dec 6th from web

Managed to get my work done and have decided to bake. Because nothing says I am a functioning, productive member of society like cookies.
1:31 PM Dec 6th from web

And brownies.
1:39 PM Dec 6th from web

Just checked my air filter and added bleach to the pump on my furnace. I don't know quite what it all means but Holy Hell I feel productive!
1:49 PM Dec 6th from web

Take that Mrs. Fields!
2:29 PM Dec 6th from TwitPic

My house should *always* smell this good. Sigh.
2:59 PM Dec 6th from web

Apparently I'm channeling Betty Crocker today.
3:21 PM Dec 6th from TwitPic

Alright honey - your knowledge of football is impressive. Just not *that* impressive. #giveitup
7:06 PM Dec 6th from UberTwitter

Sumo: cornbread are square. Pi(e) be round.
8:37 PM Dec 6th from UberTwitter

Sumo: A parade that doesn't have lawn mowers or horses isn't worth shit. #suckitmacys
9:17 PM Dec 6th from UberTwitter

Don't "Hi Baby" me you fur-lined-leather-jacket wearing freak.
10:29 PM Dec 6th from UberTwitter

And I think I'm ready for Chicago in February? #holyhellitseffingcold
10:39 PM Dec 6th from UberTwitter

Wondering if the fact that might my toilet *nearly* overflowed and what - me w/out a plunger - is some sort of sign. Really Universe? #FML
8:08 AM Dec 7th from web

I'm too tired to be tested today so thanks for giving me a break.
8:09 AM Dec 7th from web

Dear Magazine Subscription Peeps: Please don't call me at 8:20am on a Monday morning when I am already late and scrambling to get ready. Thx
8:27 AM Dec 7th from web

Who knew that December 7th was National Asshat Driver Day? I didn't.
11:09 AM Dec 7th from UberTwitter

In some states it's also called Can't Drive Worth a Fuckstick Driver Day.
11:11 AM Dec 7th from UberTwitter

Favorite wine of the wine tasting? Nasty Racy. Go figure.
7:15 PM Dec 7th from UberTwitter

Breaking a wine glass sober just feels like the wrong way to start my day.
7:35 AM Dec 8th from web

Shopping with the Compliance Queen. J Crew outlet. Discount shoes. My heart is racing......
11:50 AM Dec 8th from UberTwitter

Meeting @moriartytth for an early afternoon civiled cocktail. It's a good day.
4:31 PM Dec 8th from UberTwitter

You know what else made it a good day? A Sloppy Jai and Masala Fries at Chai Pati in Asheville. That shit was awesome!
4:32 PM Dec 8th from UberTwitter

Can I legitimately justify carbo-loading 5 days before my race?
6:58 PM Dec 8th from UberTwitter

So clearly my delicate gastrointestinal system did something to piss off the Indian food I had for lunch b/c OMG Does. Not. Agree. With. Me.
7:37 PM Dec 8th from web

#twitHER is taking on a life of its own. Welcome @saraashmansmith @sarahlena @aisforaardvark & @pseudostoops to the bar. I mean - the fray.
7:43 PM Dec 8th from web

Just found out that our mid-quarter email update was sent to 800+ people this morning with a typo. FML. Actually - DOUBLE FML.
9:19 AM Dec 9th from web

Can I go back to bed now please???
9:19 AM Dec 9th from web

How the Hell am I almost out of toilet paper? #shoppingfail
10:06 AM Dec 9th from UberTwitter

$9.69 for toilet paper. Damn my ass is high maintenance.
11:08 AM Dec 9th from UberTwitter

Just brought brownies to my neighbors. #ilovesmalltownlife
12:12 PM Dec 9th from web

Forced to watch Judge Pirro while waiting for my car to be serviced. OMFG where do they find *these* people?
2:06 PM Dec 9th from UberTwitter

Over 20 RSVPs to my holiday fete. Awesome b/c OMG - friends! WHEE! But Holy Hell - wee little house. Where will they all go?
2:11 PM Dec 9th from UberTwitter

Who the Hell goes hotrodding in a Lincoln?
2:30 PM Dec 9th from UberTwitter

So relieved Judge Pirro and her merry band of sadsack fuck-ups are off. But The Doctors? Seriously? #sofuckingtortured
3:02 PM Dec 9th from UberTwitter

I just love getting holiday cards and seeing photos of all my friends' insanely adorable and gorgeous kids!
4:24 PM Dec 9th from UberTwitter

Sumo and The Kaiser have me out for a *civilized* farewell cocktail. Oh boys....
4:47 PM Dec 9th from UberTwitter

New dress ordered specifically for holiday party doesn't zip. #fml
8:22 PM Dec 9th from web

Maybe I shouldn't have ordered fries tonight....
8:23 PM Dec 9th from web

Dear Mom & Dad: I know how tired I look. I know b/c I feel this tired too. Please don't feel compelled to point it out. C u soon. xo Rougie
6:42 AM Dec 10th from web

Race anxiety + MASSIVE PMS = Rougie is a slight emotional basketcase.
11:34 AM Dec 10th from UberTwitter

All I've consumed today is 48oz of Coke Zero. This can't be helping my anxiety.
12:18 PM Dec 10th from UberTwitter

Meanwhile, my reward for PMS from Hell is 3 days in heaven...I mean - The Sanctuary. OMG LUXURY SWALLOW ME WHOLE.
5:39 PM Dec 10th from web

Oooohhh! A mini-bar! I didn't know they still existed!
6:04 PM Dec 10th from UberTwitter

Also - I didn't know that you could legally charge $3.75 for a 1.69-oz bag of M&Ms.
6:06 PM Dec 10th from UberTwitter

There's a phone in the water closet, a seat in the shower and a view of the ocean from the tub. #diedandgonetoheaven
6:29 PM Dec 10th from UberTwitter

Carbo loading officially began at breakfast. I'll play this card All. Day. Long.
9:51 AM Dec 11th from web

Half Marathon retail ROCKS!!!
10:41 AM Dec 11th from UberTwitter

Carbo-loading is awesome. Just ate my weight in papardelle. #runrougierun
8:48 PM Dec 11th from UberTwitter

Homemade chocolate chip cookies on my pillow. God I love this place.
9:11 PM Dec 11th from UberTwitter

(In my best Chandler Bing voice): Could this weather BE any suckier? Cold AND raining? Eff you too weather peeps.
5:44 AM Dec 12th from UberTwitter

That said, I am getting ready to KICK KIAWAH'S ASS. Eat my dust. #runrougierun
5:45 AM Dec 12th from UberTwitter

Thanks to all for the Hanukah and Half-Marathon well-wishes. I love y'all too. Xoxo
5:46 AM Dec 12th from UberTwitter

For those who care - @MarshallKarp will be Tweeting my progress with the hashtag #runrougierun
7:27 AM Dec 12th from UberTwitter

Dear Weather Peeps: Thanks for holding off on the rain (so far). I love you too! Xoxo Rougie #runrougierun
7:28 AM Dec 12th from UberTwitter

Since I couldn't race and Tweet, Dad graciously stepped in to pick up the slack:

@rougeneck almost ready for the big kiawah half marathon. Hair & makeup people just doing last minute touchups. #runrougierun
7:29 AM Dec 12th from Tweetie

@rougeneck checking out the other runners. She's the only one wearing Manolo Blahniks. Booyah!!! #runrougierun
7:35 AM Dec 12th from Tweetie

@rougeneck on the start line w/the 8 min milers. I'm on the start line for old guys w/one knee and a walker. #runrougierun
7:41 AM Dec 12th from Tweetie

@rougeneck has been training for 5 months. So how come when the starter's gun went off she screamed WTF was that? #runrougierun
8:00 AM Dec 12th from Tweetie

@rougeneck probably at mile 3 by now. Mom and Dad definitely in hotel dining room scarfing down breakfast. #runrougierun #eatdaddyeat
8:29 AM Dec 12th from Tweetie

Trouble for @rougeneck at Mile 6 -- Tiger Woods jumped out of the bushes and hit on her. #runrougierun
8:57 AM Dec 12th from web

@rougeneck set two goals for herself for this race: finish in under 2 hours and become a trending topic on Twitter #runrougierun
9:00 AM Dec 12th from web

@rougeneck update: Winners about to cross the finish line. Here they come. One man, one woman. Never mind--it's the Salahis. #runrougierun
9:03 AM Dec 12th from web

@rougeneck looking good at Mile 7. Only thing that can slow her down is her knee or if she spots a shoe sale along the way. #runrougierun
9:10 AM Dec 12th from web

@rougeneck looking strong. @marshallkarp hit the wall after that lame shoe sale joke. #runrougierun
9:22 AM Dec 12th from web

@rougeneck just stopped at the water table, ordered a Gatorade Cosmo. #runrougierun
9:23 AM Dec 12th from web

@rougeneck made quick stop to upload new recipe to her blog. back in the race. #runrougierun
9:27 AM Dec 12th from web

@rougeneck in homestretch now. Probably dreaming of that first cold beer. And fame. Oodle and oodles of fame. #runrougierun
9:47 AM Dec 12th from Tweetie

@rougeneck crossed finish line and then -- no joke -- disappeared into the crowd. #runrougierun
10:17 AM Dec 12th from Tweetie

1:59:48 KISS MY ASS KIAWAH #runrougierun
10:17 AM Dec 12th from UberTwitter

Breathless

noreply@blogger.com (Rougeneck) — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 22:14:00 +0000

I. Can. Not. Breathe.

The pressure in my chest is so great it feels like my heart is being crushed under the weight of a 2-ton steel block.

There's a sharp, stinging pain - like someone is digging a knife into me over and over and over again.

I. Can. Not. Breathe.

I am afraid to open my mouth. To speak. To breathe. Because if I open my mouth the floodgates in my eyes will open too. But it's no use. Despite keeping my jaw clenched firmly, the tears pour over the edge of my eyes and silently stream down my face.

There's no point in fighting it so I don't. I yield to my emotions, to my hormones and suddenly the silent tears are accompanied by giant, racking sobs which threaten to choke me.

I. Can. Not. Breathe.

I did not know it was possible to cry so hard, for so long, but I am relieved to be allowed to privately steep in my own emotional soup. No one telling me to calm down. No one telling me to pull it together. Then again, there's no one there to hold me either.

Sleep is fitful - at best. Even clutching my childhood teddy bear or feeling the warm, purring body of my cat pressed up against my leg doesn't soothe me, doesn't slay the demons. Writing doesn't release the pain and anxiety coursing through my veins.

I. Can. Not. Breathe.

The night feels interminable. But it ends. Somehow it ends and I wake from an unpleasant dream and look in the mirror. Even my $75 concealer is not going to help.

Daylight. Sun. Low-Country bound. I should be excited and overjoyed. I should be smiling. Instead, the tears slip silently down my cheek as I navigate the Interstate.

I. Can. Not. Breathe.

Fuck you PMS. Fuck you.

The Winner Is...(And Yet Another Contest...)

noreply@blogger.com (Rougeneck) — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 12:00:00 +0000

Meet the Judge: Sebastian. My ~~psychotic~~ sheds-like-theres-no-tomorrow-and-looks-gorgeous-and-sweet-but-really-is-a-holy-terror-and-possibly-more-neurotic-then-his-mom cat. He ~~drew blood~~ made sure I didn't cheat.

View the hat:

I had this custom made at a local county fair when I was visiting dad a few years ago. Please ignore the GIANT stain on the brim (#lipglossfail or something)

See how many peeps entered? I LOVE YOU DARLING READERS. MWAH SUGARS!!!!

(PS Looking at the photo after the fact it's not that many but OMG for my wee little blog...I'm more than thrilled!)

And see who won??

And OMG it was so NOT rigged. Sebastian made sure of that. But so glad my ~~hasn't blogged in fucking ages~~ girl Harmzie won.

If you're lucky sugar, there will be cookies in with that book.

***********************************

In totally unrelated news...who the fuck is the girl in the plaid dress and the plaid bow in the early Charlie Brown cartoons?

I couldn't find a picture of just her because she's pretty fucking ancillary and-slash-or insignificant. But you can see her head and her bow poking out between Lucy and Linus and you can see the plaid hem of her dress. If she had boobs, Schroder's nose would be buried in her right one.

I call her Butterscotch girl. I don't know why. And by now you should know never to question me.

Anyways, whoever is the first to correctly identify her (WITH PROOF) will win a Charlie Brown DVD gift pack with It's the Great Pumpkin and A Charlie Brown Christmas because OMFG I'M GENEROUS LIKE THAT PEOPLES.

And please don't tell me that's Peppermint Patty because we all know that Peppermint Patty was a lesbian who wore a striped green bowling shirt and called Charlie Brown Chuck. She did not wear pretty plaid dresses with matching bows So. Don't. Even. Try. It.

UPDATE: Thank you Kyooty! Butterscotch Girl has a real name: Patty. Just not Peppermint. I can now go on living. (PS Dear Charles Schulz: I know you're dead and all but for the record, I think it's very confusing that you named 2 characters in your comic strip the same thing. Then again, that's kind of how it is in real life - right? I mean I have 2 close friends who share my name - so on second thought, congrats on being a forward-thinking, intellectual badass. Or something.)

The Breakfast Club

noreply@blogger.com (Rougeneck) — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 12:25:00 +0000

I was a blogging fail this weekend and did not do my usual "write 18 posts for the week and get it out the of the way" thing. Silly me - I was too busy having fun. Sorry kids.

But since I hate to leave you empty handed - especially on a Monday - here are pictures from Pixie's mphphpth Birthday on Saturday night. We spent most of the night dancing our asses off at The Breakfast Club, an 80s theme club in The Big City. And if you can't tell - I take my 80s nights VERY seriously.

PS My ankle and knee were so not hurting the next day. Uh-uh. Because that would just be redonkulous given that I am running a half-marathon in SIX EFFING DAYS. OMFG y'all.

So for the record - we saw Santa at the upstairs bar and I was all: OMG - let's get our picture taken with Santa. And so I approached him and sweetly asked if he would mind posing for a photo and he's all: Not now - I have to go breakdance. Seriously y'all - WTF Santa?

So he went down to the dance floor and shook his moneymaker for a few minutes and I tried to take his picture but my ~~camera was being a beyotch~~ flash didn't work because of all the 80s fabulous disco lights. But eventually Lilsaej and I found him in the stairwell and we ~~practically tackled him~~ asked him AGAIN if he would mind posing for a photo with 2 GORGEOUS GIRLS and he was all begrudging about the whole thing like he had SOMETHING BETTER TO DO and you can tell from the look on his face that someone totally pissed in his Cheerios that morning. Seriously - I've never seen someone more sour looking. You know what else? He was totally holding a beer. You know what else? I was so hopped up about having my photo taken with Santa that I got over-excited and ~~nearly peed myself~~ made that dumb-ass kissy face and now I look like a God damn puffer fish in my Santa shot. Clearly I won't be using *this* as my holiday card. Sigh y'all.

You know what else? According to my friend His Girl Friday guys dressed like Santa get a lot of action. She said it's more effective then walking around with a puppy. I'd say she's right in theory but looking at the above photo you have to fucking wonder.

PS I was totally wearing legwarmers but the legwarmer shot didn't load right. You'll have to trust me. But as stated - I take this shit seriously. Also? I have more jelly bracelets than any living person in this day and age should have.

PPS I just realized I already wrote a PS so I guess that makes my previous PS a PPS and this one a PPPS.

Sigh. I need help y'all. Clearly.

My Week In Tweets: November 29 - December 5

noreply@blogger.com (Rougeneck) — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 15:15:00 +0000

Should picking out a user name for Google Wave be this stressful??
8:48 AM Nov 29th from web

Old Navy on the Sunday after Thanksgiving looks like its been RANSACKED!
11:32 AM Nov 29th from UberTwitter

Oh Target - you are like a tonic for my ravaged soul. #retailtherapy
11:57 AM Nov 29th from UberTwitter

Can someone explain to me why no one is carrying mistletoe this year????
12:24 PM Nov 29th from UberTwitter

Is a diet of melba toast, pimento cheese, wine & coke zero cherry (with the occasional chicken wing thrown in for good measure) sustainable?
1:04 PM Nov 29th from web

I went to download Bad Romance. Somehow I wound up downloading all of The Fame Monster - Deluxe Version. My iPod is oozing Lady Gaga.
6:21 PM Nov 29th from web

Oh me. It's been a rather surreal day and the night is not looking any less Dali-esque.
8:18 PM Nov 29th from web

Wait - Dali was a surrealist - right? If not - forgive my failed art analogies.....
8:18 PM Nov 29th from web

I'm a mistress at the art of passive-aggressive.....
10:09 PM Nov 29th from web

Dear Monday: Bite me. xoxo Rougie
10:37 AM Nov 30th from web

I don't think I've ever been happier talking to Citibank. #finallyclosingmyaccountfortheloveofgod
10:52 AM Nov 30th from web

19 minutes and I've closed ONE of FIVE accounts. #citibanksucks
11:05 AM Nov 30th from web

I have to call SEPARATE people to close each account. Thanks Citi - for making it so damn easy.
11:06 AM Nov 30th from web

28 minutes and the second account is closed....I feel a little weak-kneed.
11:15 AM Nov 30th from web

Does anybody else not give a giant crap that Chelsea Clinton is engaged?
1:31 PM Nov 30th from web

Once a month you'll hear this from me: OMFG spreadsheets are making me one crabby, stabby ass mothereffer.
1:47 PM Nov 30th from UberTwitter

Need it to rain? Just ask me to wash my car and/or get my haircut. It will rain. I guarantee it.
2:34 PM Nov 30th from UberTwitter

Dear Tivo: What in my previous viewing history makes you think I'd like "Clash of the Choirs?" Seriously? xoxo rougie #WTF
4:26 PM Nov 30th from UberTwitter

Coiffed and curly. Also? Woop Woop.
6:10 PM Nov 30th from UberTwitter

Serving wine at a bakery is wrong because OMFG those cakes and pies look extra scrumptious.
6:14 PM Nov 30th from UberTwitter

Watching the Grinch. #itsofficiallytheholidays
8:04 PM Nov 30th from web

I'd give my left tit for a Diet Coke right now.
11:26 AM Dec 1st from UberTwitter

Ok - maybe not my left tit. Maybe my left pinky. Or left pinky toe.
11:27 AM Dec 1st from UberTwitter

Holy effing Hell I need a drink. Or I'd like to erase the last hour of my life. Either or.
12:30 PM Dec 1st from UberTwitter

Stabby.Stabby.Stabby.Stabby.Stabby. And I have no intention of ever taking my PJs or this fleece robe off. EVER.
4:59 PM Dec 1st from web

I'm generally a nice & understanding person but I'm about to open up a can of WHOOP ASS on someone shortly. Sloppiness is making me MAD.
5:42 PM Dec 1st from web

Also? Please don't lie to me. Ok? I didn't fall of the turnip truck yesterday....
5:43 PM Dec 1st from web

So yeah - it's not a Tuesday night if I don't eat my weight in chicken wings. Crap - it's not a night period.....
9:32 PM Dec 1st from UberTwitter

Fried pickles? GENIUS!!!!!!
9:53 PM Dec 1st from UberTwitter

Too lazy to grab my umbrella so today I'll be playing the role of wet, bedraggled dog. It's a good look I tell ya.
10:44 AM Dec 2nd from UberTwitter

Fire alarm at hotel going off. Seriously universe?
8:06 PM Dec 2nd from UberTwitter

Fire Department (and by extension hot firemen) en route. I'm not wearing any make-up. #bitememurphy
8:12 PM Dec 2nd from UberTwitter

And if we do have to evacuate? I'm so bringing my wine.
8:12 PM Dec 2nd from UberTwitter

False alarm. Relieved. However disappointed that I'm not living Donna Martin's life.
8:31 PM Dec 2nd from UberTwitter

Just looked up from my blog post and Wisc is leading Duke by 7. WTF?
9:26 PM Dec 2nd from UberTwitter

Bob Knight and Brent Musberger on ESPN. Is this college basketball or an adult diaper commercial?
9:31 PM Dec 2nd from UberTwitter

Probably should have not just said: "I'm pretty easy" in front of German tourists at hotel bar.
9:36 PM Dec 2nd from UberTwitter

For the record, it was in reply to the bartender who asked if I minded using the same glass.
9:37 PM Dec 2nd from UberTwitter

After Tweeting about Donna Martin, I dreampt that I was one of the 90210 gang and we all sat around eating pie together.
6:16 AM Dec 3rd from web

Seriously though - who eats that much pie?
6:16 AM Dec 3rd from web

And no - we can't discuss what this says about my subconscious.
6:17 AM Dec 3rd from web

Apparently I totally failed to notice the GIANT stain on the hem of my dress. A wet washcloth did not help.
7:44 AM Dec 3rd from web

No other dress AND I have 4 meetings and a dinner tonight. For work. You know - so I don't want to look like Pigpen from the Peanuts. FML
7:45 AM Dec 3rd from web

Dear Universe: Are you telling me that I *hafta* go shopping? xoxo Rougie
7:46 AM Dec 3rd from web

Good news. Nobody has noticed the stain. Just the fact that I am wearing a pretty and festive red dress.
9:59 AM Dec 3rd from UberTwitter

Dear Universe: OMG THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU for street parking in downtown Greenville. I love you too! Xoxo Rougie
11:54 AM Dec 3rd from UberTwitter

Oh to be in an office again. The flourescent lights. The buzz of the copier. The 4pm trip to the vending machine. Sigh.
4:13 PM Dec 3rd from UberTwitter

Best part of baked potato? The skin. Worst part of rack of lamb? Mint jelly. Makes it all possible? Wine.
8:20 PM Dec 3rd from UberTwitter

I just unsubscribed from about 15 email lists. Utterly liberating. #perksofinsomnia
2:52 AM Dec 4th from UberTwitter

How do *intense marriage counseling* and "Here honey - take $5mm to stay with me" work together exactly?
7:36 AM Dec 4th from web

Or is the payment the counseling?
7:36 AM Dec 4th from web

And for the record, I am so sick of Tiger Woods and the not-so-shocking fact that he couldn't keep it in his pants. Not news people.
7:40 AM Dec 4th from web

Oh Adam Lambert. You are ABSOLUTELY here for my entertainment.
11:11 AM Dec 4th from UberTwitter

Eff you Flint Street and your poorly placed loading dock.
11:38 AM Dec 4th from UberTwitter

Just got kissed under the mistletoe.
12:41 PM Dec 4th from UberTwitter

HALLELUJAH! Free at last. Free at last. Thank you sweetbabyjeebus - I am free from the bondage of @Citibank. SUCK IT CITI!
3:50 PM Dec 4th from web

How can you charge me a service fee on an account I'VE ALREADY CLOSED? Really @Citibank??? REALLY?
9:48 AM Dec 5th from web

Have to go run errands. Do you think people will believe my super cute Old Navy plaid PJs are really flannel madras pants?
9:59 AM Dec 5th from web

My mad phat jump rope skillz drew several unsolicited compliments at the gym. Holla yo! #badassintraining
4:35 PM Dec 5th from UberTwitter

I just bitchslapped the Hell out of 2 inboxes. It's like an email enema. #ocd
6:09 PM Dec 5th from web

I know I'm getting old when the fact that we're not even leaving to go out until 10pm has me wanting to crawl under the covers.
6:13 PM Dec 5th from web

Of course, we're "pre-gaming" at 9 so maybe I'm not *that* old.
6:13 PM Dec 5th from web

New drinking game: how many Coke Zero Cherries can I chug before we leave for the club at 10? #signsimgettingeffingold
7:39 PM Dec 5th from web

My skinny jeans are trying to tell me something. What's that? Stop eating so damn much? Gotcha.
7:50 PM Dec 5th from web

I take my 80s nights way. Too. Seriously.
8:29 PM Dec 5th from web

99 Luftbalons. Legwarmers. Jelly bracelets. #lovethe80s
10:31 PM Dec 5th from UberTwitter

Crap. Went to get my picture taken with 80s Santa but he blew me off to go breakdance. WTF Saint Nick???
11:42 PM Dec 5th from UberTwitter

Ok. Found Santa. Snapped photo except Holy Hell I look like a goddamn pufferfish.
11:48 PM Dec 5th from UberTwitter

PS it's the Red Bull talking. Swear.
11:48 PM Dec 5th from UberTwitter

DJ just called me Material Girl. Sigh.
11:53 PM Dec 5th from UberTwitter

Holy Hell. @lilsaej has NEVER seen St. Elmos Fire or Fast Times @ Ridgemont High. Shall we educate her tweeps?
12:00 AM Dec 6th from UberTwitter

Holy Hell bitch. Get. Off. My. Stage.
12:45 AM Dec 6th from UberTwitter

Oh dear. That last Tweet didn't sound so nice - did it????

Feed Me Fridays: Stuff It

noreply@blogger.com (Rougeneck) — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 11:30:00 +0000

For years, I have relied on a fail safe stuffing recipe that was given to me by a complete, random stranger at the bar at the Four Seasons Hotel in Houston, TX in order to diffuse a very heated argument between me and my companion. It's served me well over the years and seeing as I make stuffing - oh well, once a year, occasionally twice - I've never seen the need to really experiment.

But this year, in an attempt to live out my grand Thanksgiving fantasy I decided that no recipe would be recycled (except for my cranberries because OMG they are perfect and in all the years I've been making them no one but me ever eats them so I felt like they had never really been eaten and therefore previous makings didn't count and in some ways, they were virginal). Which meant I had to rethink the stuffing.

It came to me in a moment of genius. It was like divine intervention. Or an endorphin-induced epiphany. Or the right combination of chicken wings and cheap wine. I'm not really sure. But there it was: Rye Bread Stuffing with Salami, Apples and Leeks.

I know - who comes up with this?

Truth be told - I sort of stuck to the basic stuffing formula (mirepoix, good bread, and something for OOMPH) and just made some tweaks. Here's the ABSOLUTELY DELICIOUS result. (Of course, in the interest of full disclosure I should let you know that the actual recipe is sitting in my kitchen and I am sitting in a hotel lobby in a different state so...I may be off...if you're really interested in exact quantities and crap like that - feel free to email me or DM me on Twitter and I'll get you the specifics).

Here's what you'll need:

For the bread - I opted for rye. I believe it was a 1.5 pound loaf. Anywhere from 1 - 1.5 pounds should work. I normally use sourdough and dad kind of ~~bitched~~ moaned a bit because he prefers sourdough to rye but I was determined. To. Be. Different. See the pretty rye bread?

The trick to my fabulous stuffing is copious quantities of butter and pre-buttering and pre-seasoning the bread. You want to butter as much surface area as possible so you want to slice the loaf crosswise into thirds or fourths like so:

Then you want to butter and season the bread. I used about a stick and half of unsalted butter. You want it soft and spreadable. Bung it in the microwave for a few seconds if you have to. Take each slice, liberally butter it, and then season it. I think on half I used Cajun seasoning (like Essence of Emeril or Tony Chachere's) and on half I used Vege-Sal. Trust me when I say this is the secret to stuffing.

It's a messy process. But if you love butter (as I do) then you won't mind. You know what else helps? To have an adorable puppy licking the floor beneath your feet hoping for scraps. Like this:

Cube your buttered and seasoned bread. Toss it all in a giant bowl and then lick your fingers. You've totally earned it:

Time for mirepoix also known as the holy trinity of vegetables: celery, carrots and onion. Only - I don't use carrots, I use garlic so I guess it's not really mirepoix. And for the onions, I used leeks just because you know, I could. Anyways, in a large pot in a mixture of butter and olive oil saute 2 leeks - stems only (not the dark green tops and by the way leeks are dirty and gritty so clean them well), 3 - 4 ribs of celery (diced) and 3 giant spoonfuls of chopped garlic. Saute for about 5 minutes until tender and fragrant (oh I could so be a cookbook writer with shit like that):

Then add the salami. I used 1 12-oz. Hebrew National salami cut into fine dice. See how pretty?

Then add the apples. I cut up 2 Honeycrisps in a rather large dice. Cook it all until - you know - it seems cooked. Then add the bread and stock. I needed 3 cups of stock total. I used 2 cups of veggie stock because it happened to be open and then I added 1 more cup of chicken stock. You can use veggie or chicken or a combo - I'd stay away from beef stock. Just a suggestion.

Let the butter-laden bread absorb the stock and get kind of soft and mushy and stuffingy and then turn off the heat.

Add 1/2 a cup of grated Parmesan and stir it in. Actually - this is optional. I am not sure Parm was the right cheese - or that the stuffing even needed cheese but I love cheese and we had overbought on the Parm and the Pecorino so....

Last step? Season to taste.

Pour the whole mess into a pan and bake at 350 for 15 - 20 minutes until it smells heavenly and OMG you want to eat it right out of the pan and burn your mouth because YUM - sorta like this:

Stuffing is awesome day of but it's even better day after. And for the record, my breakfast of choice the day after Thanksgiving (and frankly the true breakfast of champions) is a giant bowl of stuffing. Seriously - there's nothing better.

So yeah - stuff it kids. MWAH Sugars!!!

Truck: A Love Story

noreply@blogger.com (Rougeneck) — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 11:30:00 +0000

A hundred years ago, I used to haul my cookies from Smalltown USA to The Big City Every. Single. Day. An hour there. An hour back. Sometimes more. Always in rush hour traffic. In a word: it sucked donkey balls.

To pass the time I would either listen to my iPod or, in an attempt to better myself as a human being and to stay on top of what was actually going on in the world, I would listen to NPR. And truth be told: NPR is actually pretty badass and I actually enjoyed it. I even developed several *voice crushes* including Kai Ryssdal, Sylvia Poggioli, and Lourdes Garcia-Navarro.

Anyways, every once and a while some woman would come on and talk about which books to read, and one day, one in particular, caught my ear: Truck, A Love Story. It was a memoir of sorts from a writer named Michael Perry about a year in his life in rural Wisconsin where he tried to grow a garden, restore an old pick-up truck and oh yeah by the way the dude totally fell in love. It doesn't sound thrilling (and really that's my fault for not doing it justice), but I think the whole garden growing thing was what appealed to me - or maybe the whole falling in love thing. I don't really remember because this happened a hundred years ago. I added it to my "books to buy" list and I eventually did buy it and then it promptly sat on my bookshelf for close to 2 years, if not longer.

Well, I finally read it and guess what? THIS BOOK IS AWESOME. Seriously - Michael Perry is one fucking talented writer. I found myself - for possibly the first time ever - folding down corners on pages where his writing grabbed me. Where his little nuggets spoke to me - nay SCREAMED - at me.

Poignant. Funny. Tender. Sweet. Witty. Not what you expect from rural Wisconsin. But this dude has it going on. Here are a handful of some of my favorite excerpts:

"Consider the eyes. Your callow swain will be galvanized by coquetry and flash; your full-grown man is taken more by the nature of the gaze. A powerful woman's eyes are charged not by color, but by intent. The strong woman does not look at you, the strong woman regards you."

"Until I came across Freezer Fancies and set out to collect Irma's entire oeuvre, I was in possession of exactly thirteen cookbooks. A comparatively modest collection, but I have my reasons, the main one being, nothing snarls me up like options. I blame this on my genes and my waste-not, want-not penny-pinching proto-Calvinist roots, which imbued me with the feeling that to be in possession of a useful thing and not use it is to allow the devil to wedge his big toe in the screen door of your soul."

"It is silly to say bad things about popular music, but for the record, Johnny Paycheck is to Kenny Chesney as corn whiskey is to wine coolers...I look at the pretty cowboy on the Jumbotron and think, it's one thing to polish your craft, it is quite another to wax your abs."

"Even more disturbingly, NASCAR references have begun popping up in New Yorker cartoons. In a yin to the yang of the Wal-Mart yoga mat, the hallowed sport of Carolina bootleggers has evolved into a corporation of sound-biting action figures with beautiful teeth."

"Greg Brown's voice sounds as if it was aged in a whiskey cask, cured in an Ozarks smokehouse, dropped down a stone well, pulled out damp, and kept moist in the palm of a wicked woman's hand."

"In the world of the certifiable stoic, the repression of emotion is just the more obvious half of the battle. The rest of your time is consumed with masking even the appearance of the existence of desire. Anyone can hold back a tear or dodge a hug - it takes a real hardcore Norwegian bachelor to pretend that you don't want a cookie. If I were commissioned to design the official crest for the descendants of emotionally muzzled Vikings everywhere, I would begin by looking up the Latin phrase for 'No thanks, I'm fine.'"

"Three months of pillow talk do not supplant the ratty sweatpants of history."

Really - GENIUS. And that's just a smattering.

Because I am feeling all festive and generous (HELLO HOLIDAYS!!!) I want to send YOU dear reader a copy of this book. Not my beloved copy (because Hello - totally going back and re-reading) but your very own. Simply post a comment by Monday, December 7th (even a Howdy Rougie - aren't you looking awful glam in your new profile pic) and then I'll employ a very scientific process (your name on a scrap of paper, a fishbowl, my psychotic cat) to select a winner.

Ready? Set? GO!

This Comes As No Surprise

noreply@blogger.com (Rougeneck) — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 12:00:00 +0000

I generated a TweetCloud from my last 6 month's of Tweets and here are the results:

I'll leave the analysis up to you.

PS Sigh y'all.

The One Where I Almost Catch a Disease, Lose My Foot, and a Homeless Man May or May Not Have Seen Me Naked

noreply@blogger.com (Rougeneck) — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 11:30:00 +0000

My friend and stylist Holly is also a photographer (see her amazing work here) and a few weeks ago I posed for a shoot for her. Her original plan had been to get me out on a boat in the middle of the lake in a vintage wedding dress. Instead, due to time constraints, we wound up at a closed down factory in the middle of Smalltown USA that in theory is going to be turned into a kick-ass grocery store but for now is a pile of rubble, broken glass, possibly industrial waste and a potential breeding ground for disease. Really - it was so dirty I kept thinking I was going to catch TB. Or Swine Flu. Or SOMETHING.

And seriously y'all - while I brought along several changes of clothes (and made some on-site clothing changes that may or may not have resulted in a homeless man getting his first glimpse of female human flesh in quite some time), I only brought along 1 pair of shoes: My Louboutins. These are my most *perfect* shoes ever. They are also the most expensive shoes I own. I won't even tell you how much they cost because you would promptly faint, fall out of your chair, hit your head, get a concussion and possibly die and darling reader - I don't want you to die a gruesome, Natasha Richardson style death. You're too special to me. Sigh.

Anyways, you try climbing up piles of wet, muddy rubble in pricey, champagne satin, 4-inch stilettos. Oh yeah - keep in mind you're training for a half marathon and so twisted ankles aren't exactly an *option.* It's not easy. But I'm a sport and Holly is awesome and we somehow managed to make it work.

At one point I offered to climb up a ladder but to get to *that* ladder I had to climb up a different ladder and so I started up ladder #1 but didn't want to break my neck so I took my shoes off and threw them up to what I thought was the platform at the top only to discover when I got to the top that I had thrown my PERFECT PRICEY LOUBOUTINS into a vat of....what? Industrial waste? Chemicals? Rainwater?

Whatever it was, it was dark and murky and dirty and ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY VILE NASTY GROSS OMG I WANT TO DIE and holy Hell did my MOST PERFECT SHOES EVER just fall into that crap? Wait. Rephrase. Did I just HURL MY MOST PERFECT SHOES EVER INTO THAT?

There was a slightly more than mild moment of panic when I thought I might lose my foot (because you know, I had no other shoes and I had to put the wet, possibly chemical shoes back on) but we quickly returned to Holly's salon where we hosed off my foot (picture the scene in Silkwood where they scrub Meryl Streep RAW) and Holly gave me a pair of "Bite Me" socks (OMG - does this girl know me or what?) that were pink with red apples (hence the Bite Me - they weren't bitch socks or anything and I totally love apples) and I left her salon in the socks, the Loubs, my Greek shipping heiress sunglasses and a fur-trimmed, brocade vintage coat with giant rhinestone buttons. You know what they say - a picture is worth a thousand words. Speaking of pictures...here are some from the shoot. And trust me when I say - Holly is a genius. I do not look this good in real life. Or most people's dreams. It's all her...

A Post So Awesome I Can't Even Think of a Clever Title

noreply@blogger.com (Rougeneck) — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 12:00:00 +0000

I don't have kids. I hope that this is not always the case, but for now my parenting skills seem to be limited to a neurotic, slightly schizo cat that I leave alone for 3 or 4 days at a time, who terrorizes my houseguests, and who seems to have forgotten how to use the litter box after nearly 9 years. Rather than pat myself on the back, we'll just file that in Twitter under #petmomfail.

Still. I love kids. And they seem to - at least on occasion - love me. I am particularly good with little girls - especially if I am sporting some sparkly eyeliner and have extra on hand to dot on their eyes as well.

Anyways, I had the massive pleasure of spending 2 and half days with my not-quite-4-year-old nephew last week over the Thanksgiving holiday and here are my random, in no particular order takeaways and observations:

* Life with a not-quite-4-year-old is a neverending question of: "WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHY?" As in..."Monkey - it's time to get dressed." "Why?" Or in reaction to watching me heat up a bowl of stuffing for breakfast the day after Thanksgiving - "Why?" (Um - for the record, because it's my traditional post-Thanksgiving breakfast and because it's so damn tasty.) Any and every action and/or remark was promptly met with: "Why?" It's endearing that he's so inquisitive but OMFG I also wanted to smash my head against the wall on occasion. My SIL assured me that after a while, you just get used to it.

* Candyland is. The. Most. Awesome. Game. Ever. Colors. Numbers. CANDY. I'd like to get lost in Lollipop Woods forever. Or the Chocolate Swamp. PS I was totally grinning like a not-quite-4-year-old myself when I actually managed to win a game.

* Baking with a not-quite-4-year-old is messy. It's also exceptionally rewarding. And while caramel cream pie with crispy rice topping is not exactly the most kid-friendly dessert, my nephew helped make the graham cracker crust and he is a champion whipped cream whipper.

* My nephew was served cranberries at his school. He didn't care for them. He wasn't going to eat my cranberries at Thanksgiving but he wound up trying them. And asking for seconds. Melt my heart why don't you kid?

* There's nothing quite like listening to a not-quite-4-year-old sing "You can't always get what you want" and then announce he's on a hunt for a Rolling Stones CD. It's even better when he follows the Rolling Stones with "Go Go Gadget Go" and then emerges with a Fiddler on the Roof CD starring Zero Mostel.

* I love reading bedtime stories. However - I learned the hard way not to improvise. Not-quite-4-year-olds are very particular when it comes to traditional nursery rhymes. Also, if you screw up unintentionally, they will totally call you on it.

* How to make lasagna according to a not-quite-4-year-old: pasta, pasta, pasta, pasta, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, pasta. What else? Meat sauce, meat sauce, meat sauce. God I LOVE this kid.

* My nephew was in the throes of a bad cold. God bless whoever invented Boogie Wipes (Really - that's what they're called. GENIUS MARKETING). Also? I've never seen so much snot in my life. Also? I plan to wear a Haz-Mat suit next time we get together. #germophobe

* It's always a treat when a not-quite-4-year-old emerges in no pants. Really. If he'd been wearing his rainboots too (which had been the plan), my ovaries might have officially exploded.

* I am amazed at what a not-quite-4-year-old can imagine and what will keep them entertained. Seriously. All week my nephew seemed to be engaged in everything around him. And while he had plenty of *real* toys and games to distract him, it was the make believe that killed me. The Clumsy Waiter (long story - blame Dad) was a particular favorite of mine. Also? We had a whole 10 minute thing that involved the long foam rollers used for stretching only they were trees. Maybe you had to be there.

* The vivid imagination is manifested vocally by a neverending high-pitched squeal. It's charming for the first 30 seconds. Then you may wish you had earplugs.

* Wednesday night at dinner I gave my nephew a kiss. He didn't wipe it off. Apparently it was the only kiss he hadn't wiped off in a while. Once again, I say melt my heart kid.

* My nephew travels with 3 different kinds of toothpaste. I don't know why but I think that's awesome.

* Watching my nephew fall of a chair was scary. Then again, I turned my back for a minute on Friday morning and my brother pointed out that had he not been in the room, my nephew would have fallen off a different chair and landed on his head. Ok - so clearly I am not quite ready to be a parent.

Still...that scrumptious face gets me every time:

Me and Monkey. Ignore the red nose. He'd been spewing massive quantities of snot for the last 6 days.

Me and my SIL as photographed by Monkey. For realz, yo! My not-quite-4-year-old snapped *this* photo. He's a fucking genius.

My Week In Tweets: November 22 - November 28

noreply@blogger.com (Rougeneck) — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 14:55:00 +0000

I pity whoever is on the treadmill next to me. Unless they like the smell of stale Guinness and sweat...
11:36 AM Nov 22nd from web

I am en route to the gym. It's also possible I am TOTALLY HIGH right now if I think I am able to run more than a mile - if that...
12:15 PM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

Have gone from thinking 10 miles to 10k to 10 minutes. Excuse me - am off to die.
12:21 PM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

10 minutes and I haven't died. Or puked. Despite a rather foul Donatos pizza commercial and some nauseating slop from Kay Jewelers.
12:33 PM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

Remember when I thought going for a run was fun? Training fucked that shit up. Big time.
12:44 PM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

5 miles. If I can run 5 miles I can run 13.1 right? #trainingfail
1:07 PM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

Let's face it: 5 minutes in *my condition* was impressive.
1:10 PM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

Total guilty movie pleasure: Payback with Mel Gibson.
2:39 PM Nov 22nd from web

Operation 400 Christmas lights in my living room is a SUCCESS!!!!
3:00 PM Nov 22nd from web

How do the rest of you feel about Bad Romance by Lady Gaga because I am totally ambivalent.
3:44 PM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

Although I do dig the French a la Blondie. And you could totally tell Lady G went to NYC prep school. Except for the whole *no pants* thing.
3:45 PM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

Howie Long is looking sharp! Seriously - when did these NFL dudes start dressing so nattily? 3 purples ties? Terry sporting lime green?
4:21 PM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

Just overheard: Do Jewish people celebrate Thanksgiving. OMG.
4:36 PM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

Also being debated - why don't other countries celebrate Thanksgiving. Yes. I am not making this shit up.
4:37 PM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

I am overwhelmed by the intellectual capacity at the smalltown, redneck sports bar. Oh wait......
4:37 PM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

Sitting with @Lilsaej discussing Aerosmith. She's just discovered a whole new *level of meaning* to their lyrics. #blessherheart
6:07 PM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

"You ain't seen nuthin' til you're down on a muffin...." #blessherheart
6:08 PM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

GO JIMMIE!!! WOO-HOO! HISTORY IS MADE!!!
6:41 PM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

Coming home to sparkling, multi-colored lights is utterly squeeful!!!!
7:23 PM Nov 22nd from web

Goodfellas *kinda* makes me want to go to prison like Pretty Woman *kinda* makes me want to be a prostitute.
8:08 PM Nov 22nd from web

RT @rebeccad: If you want me to buy something I don't need, make it sparkle and put it on sale.
5:45 AM Nov 23rd from UberTwitter

I have amazing neighbors y'all. The dear folks to my left are nursing the puppy hit by the car on Saturday. #sodamnrelieved
5:47 AM Nov 23rd from web

This rainy, cold, wet, grey, damp, utterly sucktastic weather can bite me.
7:25 AM Nov 23rd from UberTwitter

Dear @Citibank: YOU ARE KILLING ME. I'D LIKE TO DRIVE A STAKE THROUGH YOUR HEART YOU CAUSE ME SO MUCH ANGST. xoxo Rougie
10:33 AM Nov 23rd from web

After politely asking the rep not to hang up on me when she placed me on hold 10 gajillion times, guess what she did??
10:41 AM Nov 23rd from web

I swear to sweet baby jeebus that when I get this damn account closed I am popping a bottle of champagne and drinking the whole damn thing.
10:44 AM Nov 23rd from web

And nothing like getting sucker punched at work to brighten your day. #crapisittuesdayyet
11:12 AM Nov 23rd from web

Dear @Citibank: If you made ANYTHING remotely easy for your customers I'd die from shock. Please don't change. I like a challenge. xo Rougie
12:39 PM Nov 23rd from web

Guess who got dragged out kicking and screaming for a pre-vaca drink (or several) with the boys?
6:07 PM Nov 23rd from UberTwitter

Though really use of the words "dragged," "kicking" and "screaming" don't actually apply in this case. Or ever.
6:08 PM Nov 23rd from UberTwitter

If I'm conscious and you ask me out for a drink odds are better than good I'll accept. Sigh.
6:08 PM Nov 23rd from UberTwitter

Scaring the locals y'all. Scaring the locals.
7:10 PM Nov 23rd from UberTwitter

4 wings and 3 slices of pizza for dinner. #massivedietfail
8:15 PM Nov 23rd from UberTwitter

Apparently I've worked my way into The Fall Guy theme song. Flattered? Horrified? Both.
8:56 PM Nov 23rd from UberTwitter

Getting a lesson in how to make moonshine. Either "cornmeal" or "any fruit that moves." OMG y'all - MY LIFE!!!!!!!
9:00 PM Nov 23rd from UberTwitter

And yes - I'm out with Sumo and The Kaiser. If you couldn't tell. Sigh.
9:01 PM Nov 23rd from UberTwitter

Direct quote: "Google Earth has hurt the liquor still business." Yes y'all - I do not make this fermented shit up.
9:02 PM Nov 23rd from UberTwitter

I've never seen Blazing Saddles. Sumo and The Kaiser are beyond disappointed. #massivepopculturefail
9:21 PM Nov 23rd from UberTwitter

"We might be in trouble" #smokeyandthebandit #storyofmylife
9:51 PM Nov 23rd from UberTwitter

At the airport waiting to wing my way to @MarshallKarp.
11:13 AM Nov 24th from UberTwitter

Evil looking teen is giving me the stink eye. What? Have you never seen anyone inhale a club sandwich before?
11:14 AM Nov 24th from UberTwitter

Really - this child is unfortunate looking. And I'm trying not to be a massive bitch but oh yeah I have no filter.
11:15 AM Nov 24th from UberTwitter

"Maintenance issues." "Might not be able to board." FML. This is why I don't travel.
11:17 AM Nov 24th from UberTwitter

Guessing my 11:45 is not going to be on time.
11:37 AM Nov 24th from UberTwitter

Mechanic went to get a part for avionics. Then they run a test. Then maybe we board. Oh dear.
11:45 AM Nov 24th from UberTwitter

So unfortunate looking child is also loud AND bossy. I'd move but there are no other seats.
11:47 AM Nov 24th from UberTwitter

Flight is still listed as taking off at 12. Um - it's 11:57. You might want to update that.....
11:57 AM Nov 24th from UberTwitter

We're getting a whole new plane. Also? A new gate so I am no longer forced to look at/listen to unfortunate looking teen.
12:09 PM Nov 24th from UberTwitter

I am considering having a baby just so I could board faster.
12:43 PM Nov 24th from UberTwitter

Obviously I mean for future flights. I know I can't have a baby right now.
12:44 PM Nov 24th from UberTwitter

Of course I could *steal* one.
12:44 PM Nov 24th from UberTwitter

And that last Tweet was a total joke. But the ones before it were semi-serious. Kinda. Sorta. Maybe.
12:45 PM Nov 24th from UberTwitter

They did a bang up job cleaning the plane. Explains the half-sucked on cough drop at my feet. FTW?
12:48 PM Nov 24th from UberTwitter

There is absolutely no point in trying to compete with a puppy. NONE.
3:33 PM Nov 24th from UberTwitter

Watching my childhood stuffed animals being trashed. Then again - I think they might be breeding swine flu.
9:09 AM Nov 25th from UberTwitter

Is there a clove shortage I don't know about? Bought some ground cloves yesterday - $8. !#*! dollars. These will be some chere cranberries.
9:25 AM Nov 25th from UberTwitter

Making pudding from scratch? A bitch. Making caramel from scratch? A bitch? Making caramel pudding from scratch? BITCHBITCHBITCHBITCHBITCH
4:38 PM Nov 25th from UberTwitter

Here's what I've done so far today: made pimento cheese, gougeres, soup, stuffing, cranberries, baked a pie, blogged and run 10 miles.
5:01 PM Nov 25th from UberTwitter

Here's what I haven't done: brush my teeth.
5:01 PM Nov 25th from UberTwitter

So life with a 4yo is one never-ending question of WHY?
7:28 PM Nov 25th from UberTwitter

Also? God I love my family but they give new meaning to the word dysfunctional.
7:29 PM Nov 25th from UberTwitter

Apparently one should not improvise when reading stories to a 4yo. Lesson learned.
8:20 PM Nov 25th from UberTwitter

I salvaged 1 wee teddy bear from the 2009 Thanksgiving Stuffed Animal Massacre. He was put through the wash and left on my bed. #regressing
10:41 PM Nov 25th from UberTwitter

Seriously y'all - this may have been My. First. Teddy. Bear. Ever. #swearimgonnacryandnoitsnotthewine
10:42 PM Nov 25th from UberTwitter

Dear fitful, sleep: Oh how I've missed you. How I've missed tossing and turning. Thanks for paying me a visit. Xoxo Rougie
7:13 AM Nov 26th from UberTwitter

I am thankful for my 4yo nephew. Holy Hell this kid is cute.
7:54 AM Nov 26th from UberTwitter

My 4yo nephew is singing "You Can't Always Get What You Want" and on a quest for a Rolling Stones CD. My ovaries just exploded.
11:21 AM Nov 26th from UberTwitter

We've moved from The Stones to "Go Go Go Gadget." Hold me.
11:26 AM Nov 26th from UberTwitter

Have successfully eaten my weight in pimento cheese and bacon crostini. Am extremely thankful.
12:24 PM Nov 26th from UberTwitter

Elastic. Today especially I am thankful for elastic.
1:30 PM Nov 26th from UberTwitter

Dear Turkey: STOP teasing me and POP already......
3:43 PM Nov 26th from UberTwitter

My Thanksgiving fantasy was a sucess. *smiles dreamily* I need a cigarette.
5:54 PM Nov 26th from UberTwitter

Did I say that caramel cream pie was a bitch? I meant it was mmm-mmm-mmm delicious. Truly.
6:42 PM Nov 26th from UberTwitter

We just taught my 4yo nephew to play Candyland. "It's my game," he decreed and promptly put it in his room.
7:36 PM Nov 26th from UberTwitter

What does one do after cooking for 2 straight days? Why one makes turkey soup of course. #smackmeiminsane
7:51 PM Nov 26th from UberTwitter

I don't care that Cary Grant was *unsuitable* Would totally bring him back #timemachinefreebies
8:38 PM Nov 26th from UberTwitter

Dad: I can't hear you when you yap. Just Tweet. Me: Okthankyousweetbabyjeebus
8:55 PM Nov 26th from UberTwitter

Dear Universe: please reincarnate me as Grace Kelly in ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!
9:10 PM Nov 26th from UberTwitter

Turkey-barley soup with carrots, corn, mushrooms and Brussels sprouts. Y'all are just glad I don't have a camera phone. #foodpr0n
8:14 AM Nov 27th from UberTwitter

4yo Nephew: What are you doing? Me: Stuffing for breakfast. Him: Why? Me: Because it's sooo good. Him (pauses then grins): That's so funny.
8:41 AM Nov 27th from web

Whoever invented Candyland was a genius.
9:38 AM Nov 27th from UberTwitter

Caramel Cream Pie in the fridge is TAUNTING me. Sticking my fingers in my ears: "I can't hear you."
12:10 PM Nov 27th from UberTwitter

Dear Pie: Shut the eff up and leave me alone. Xoxo Rougie
12:13 PM Nov 27th from UberTwitter

My carry-on contains 2 books, a pound of raw Brussels sprouts, stuffing, cranberries, pimento cheese, and a giant ass slice of PIE.
12:22 PM Nov 27th from UberTwitter

Also? My childhood teddy bear. But I'm not bringing home soup because that's just plain odd.
12:23 PM Nov 27th from UberTwitter

So glad @MarshallKarp pays attention to those flashing lights that say turn on your radio. And that he has GPS. #theresnoplacelikehome
2:34 PM Nov 27th from UberTwitter

Do you ever look at people, scratch your head and wonder: WTF are you thinking dude? #airportphilosophy
5:01 PM Nov 27th from UberTwitter

Dude - wearing sunglasses for 4 STRAIGHT hours doesn't make you cool. It makes you a GIANT DOUCHEY ASSHAT.
5:05 PM Nov 27th from UberTwitter

Just spent $90 at the grocery store. On what I have no idea since I didn't *need* anything. Except wine.
6:04 PM Nov 27th from UberTwitter

Watching Aladdin. Drinking Shiraz. Should be entertaining......
9:07 PM Nov 27th from web

25 minutes into Aladdin and no Robin Williams. WTF??
9:26 PM Nov 27th from UberTwitter

Whoever decided to market Nutella as nutrious was clearly HIGH. It's not nutritious. Not remotely. It's fucking chocolate.
9:59 PM Nov 27th from web

Ok- if I were on a magic carpet w/ Aladdin I would not be singing. Especially "A Whole New World." #justsayin
10:23 PM Nov 27th from web

I am 1 business day away from closing out my Citibank account. Hold me people. Hold me.
7:08 AM Nov 28th from web

OMG!! @mcmama nominated me for Google Wave. I feel like one of the cool kids....finally.....
9:44 AM Nov 28th from UberTwitter

So...7.5 feet is QUITE large. For a Christmas tree that is.....
12:38 PM Nov 28th from UberTwitter

At Wal-Mart. Want.To.Die.
3:23 PM Nov 28th from UberTwitter

There are 10 people waiting to return crap. 1 person working the return counter. You do the math.
3:24 PM Nov 28th from UberTwitter

And when you factor in where I live, the math looks *even worse*
3:25 PM Nov 28th from UberTwitter

The same person has been returning an item since I got in line. Clearly this is not a MENSA convention.
3:27 PM Nov 28th from UberTwitter

Also? Will shortly require Xanax, a martini or both.
3:27 PM Nov 28th from UberTwitter

Dante had it wrong. This is the 9th circle of Hell.
3:30 PM Nov 28th from UberTwitter

Well that visit cost me $50 and a GIANT piece of my soul......
4:00 PM Nov 28th from UberTwitter

It looks like a glitter factory threw up all over my Christmas tree. It's AWESOME. Feelin' FESTIVE!! #discochristmas
4:56 PM Nov 28th from web

To copy @alicat28 Sweet: 2 free beers. Sour: ASSCRACK. Pull your pants up woman!
8:51 PM Nov 28th from UberTwitter

OMG y'all. Does anyone else think I require medication after reading all that???

Silencing The Crescendo

noreply@blogger.com (Rougeneck) — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 12:00:00 +0000

I have been up since 6:30am and on my feet cooking since 7:00am. I have chopped, pureed, simmered, stewed, sauteed, sliced and diced. I have washed, rinsed, scrubbed, wiped and swiped. I have made pimento cheese and fried bacon for the crostini; nearly overcooked red pepper, garlic and pecorino gougeres. I have made creamy carrot soup with scallions and poppy seeds as well as my spiced cranberry conserve. I have experimented on a stuffing involving rye bread, salami and apples. I still have a pie to bake. But the voices. The voices are there and I need to quiet them.

I need to run. I want to run. As much for training as for the fact that I love to run when I am up here.

Training. I am over it. In fact the other day while I was at the gym I momentarily hoped I would twist my ankle or blow out my knee and therefore get my Get Out of Jail Free card. Then I berated myself for being such an asshole. Don't get me wrong. I love working out. I love being healthy. I love being strong. But any and all joy I associated with running is long gone. Training will do that. Or rather, training has done that for me.

I had planned to go for a run in the morning but I woke up and it was dark and cold and gray and wet and damp and I was anxious to start cooking so I held off. After 5+ hours on my feet I should be exhausted. I am exhausted. But the voices. The voices are there and I need to quiet them.

I finally get out of my pajamas and into my running clothes. I calculate how long it's been since I sucked down some leftovers for lunch. It hasn't been long enough. But if I wait any longer something will happen to distract or deter me. I'll start the pie. Or my mother, sister-in-law and nephew will show up. It might even start raining. I need to get out. I need to clear my head.

Sure enough when I step outside I can see rain sprinkles on the concrete patio, feel the mist on my face. I wait for my Garmin GPS to locate satellites while Pink sings on my iPod: "I'm not here for you're entertainment. You don't really wanna mess with me tonight."

Dear Universe, I think. Please don't rain. I need to run. I need to clear my head. To exorcise my demons. I need to silence the crescendo. I don't want to be stabby when I see my nephew. I want to enjoy him. I don't want to feel this pain I feel, to carry these burdens I carry. The voices are there and I need to quiet them.

It takes like what seems to be forever but eventually the GPS loads and I start to run. Running for me these days is a constant negotiation between what I think I need to be doing for training and what I want to do for my own personal enjoyment and/or sanity. Today it's a toss-up. I have been a training failure. My last 2 "long runs" have been cut short: one because my iPod died and I was thirsty, the other because I was hungover and exhausted. Today I am well-rested, not remotely hungover, and my iPod is fully charged. No excuses. I tell myself I am simply going to run until I can run no more. Or until the voices are quiet and still.

Running feels good. Liberating. Rhythmic. Cleansing. I have a lot on my mind and I need to clear my head. And I do. For a while. But then I lose myself in the music. I lose myself in the rain, which is falling harder, steadier. I lose myself in the hills - OMG the hills. Thank God Kiawah is a flat race because these hills are killing me. And then I focus and I give some serious thought to that which occupies my mind, tears at my heart. I try to find some perspective. I do.

In the old days, I would run out Glasco to Plochman Lane and back - a basic 3.5 mile run. But today I am in it for the long haul. I pass Plochman and head towards 212. I hope it's about 5 miles there because then that will mean 5 miles back will mean an easy 10 miles. I am not so lucky. I come up on 212 and I've only run 3.3 miles. I debate turning on 212 and looping through town but I decide that 212 is probably not the safest road so I turn back on Glasco.

It's raining harder now. Not so hard I can't see - it still feels like mist - but hard enough that the cars on the road need their windshield wipers on. It's cold but I feel hot and sweaty. The voices. The voices are there and I need to quiet them.

Negotiations begin again. Turn on Plochman and do the loop through town? Or run back to the Four Corners and out the other side towards Byrdcliffe? I don't know how I feel about running through town. And that hill back up Rock City Road is a killer. But what if I get to the Four Corners and psych myself out and head home instead of towards Byrdcliffe? Then again, it's raining harder now. Maybe I should be heading towards home instead of stranding myself further and further away. I come up on Plochman and stay straight. The voices. They're still there. They won't shut up.

I hit the Four Corners and stay straight. This is a good thing. If I would have turned right it would have meant home. I've run 6.3 miles. My hope is to knock out 2 miles out towards Byrdcliffe and then back and then maybe walk the giant half-mile up the mountain to the house because HOLY FUCKING HILLS Y'ALL.

I need flat. Kiawah is flat. If I can find flat I feel like I could run all day despite the gray, the cold, the wet, the rain. I need to run all day and I no longer know if I am talking about training or my sanity. It's those damn voices.

Byrdcliffe is not flat. Not remotely. It is one giant ass hill and while I am comforted by the fact that it will be downhill on the return, the run out is a struggle. It's raining harder too. I feel a chill. My knee throbs. I turn my iPod up louder. I search for something to propel me forward.

I don't make the full 2 miles. I am overwhelmed. I ache. So I turn around and head back but I am determined to make it 10 miles. I check my Garmin at the Four Corners - 8.95. I cross back over and head from whence I've already been, once again, skipping the turn home.

The rain has stopped. I feel less of a chill. Although I am somewhat winded and fighting off pain in my left knee, I don't otherwise feel too bad. I am sort of keeping track of time but not really. I have resigned myself to the fact that it will probably take me well above 2 hours to finish the Race in two plus weeks and I am ok with that. Sort of.

The last quarter mile up the giant ass hill takes every ounce of strength I have. If it weren't for Lady Gaga whispering in my ear, I don't know if I would make it. But I do. Ninety-three minutes, 10 windy, cold, gray, very hilly miles and the crescendo is finally silenced.

I take a deep breath, walk in the door, and give my nephew a hug.

One Thing Only

noreply@blogger.com (Rougeneck) — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 12:00:00 +0000

I try not to get too sentimental or sappy on this blog but occasionally I have my moments. This is one of them.

Obviously - with today being Thanksgiving and all - I am reflecting on that which I am grateful for. And while the list is (thankfully) trending towards lengthy these days, there's really only one thing that I would like to publicly acknowledge.

I am thankful for love. I am thankful that I am loved by so many and I am thankful that I have the opportunity, ability and capacity to love so many in return.

This has not been the easiest year for Country Girl. And today in particular is a not-so-easy day for me. So to look at my life and to see all who touch me in so many ways - for that my gratitude knows no bounds.

For those of you who make me laugh (and on occasion snort Coke Zero Cherry and/or beer through my nose); who loan me your shoulder when I need a place to bury my snotty, tear-stained face; who cheer me on during that last, uphill mile; who challenge me to be a better me; who indulge me; who forgive me when I've hurt you...

For those of you who help me without expecting payment in return; who hold my hand when I am afraid to be alone; who tell me the truth even when it's what I don't want to hear; who accept me for who I am - imperfections and all...

For those of you who tolerate my brand of crazy; who inspire me; who stand back and let me shine; who appreciate my extreme level of neuroses; who remind me that things have a way of working themselves out for the best; who see beyond the well-managed exterior and into darker, weaker places...

For those of you who love me and who let me love you in return...you give me all that I need, so Thank You.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Biting Off More Than I Can Stir

noreply@blogger.com (Rougeneck) — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 12:15:00 +0000

I love to cook. This fact has been well-documented on numerous occasions. Also? I'm pretty darn good at it (even though my brand of haute epicurean cuisine seems to sometimes be lost on the locals).

Thanksgiving is pretty much my fantasy holiday and I have a ~~an utterly insane~~ dream to one day cook a multi-course Thanksgiving feast for at least 25. Yes - things like that get me off and if you haven't figured out my brand of crazy by now people, then what are you still doing here? Anyways - where was I?

Oh yeah - me, many courses, a week sweating my ass off in the kitchen and a minimum of 25 well-fed, happily sated guests at the end of the day. And while I'm not quite ready to live out my actual fantasy, Thanksgiving 2009 is most definitely a mini trial run.

Number of guests: We're only going to be 6 and 1 of us is just about to turn 4. And while my adorable little nephew has a very sophisticated palette, he doesn't exactly eat a whole lot quantity wise.

Number of days in the kitchen: One and a half to 2 - depending on what you count. I plan to start this morning and get as much done in advance as possible. I expect to be in the kitchen much of tomorrow as well until whatever time we sit down to eat which is I Have No Idea When. Of course, I have promised my mother that at some point I will emerge and spend time with the family and not hide behind the food processor for the entire trip...

The menu. Ahhhhh the menu. I am calling this "Sarah's Ultimate Thanksgiving Menu" also known as "I Can Plan This Any Damn Way I Want and Don't Have To Compromise With Another Living Soul (Sorta) Menu." And lest ye feel compelled to call me selfish - check out what my non-compromising ass is serving up.

Mid-Day Nibblies: I figure we will be eating at some odd time because holiday meals are always at odd times. By the way - why is that? Why is it that during holidays we're all - let's eat at 3:30pm or 4pm instead of sticking to either lunch or dinner?

Anyways, during the day we'll be munching on pimento cheese & bacon crostini and red pepper, garlic and pecorino gougeres. Probably not the best choices for those who might be lactose intolerant...but OMG YUM!!!! I am particularly drooling over those crostini.

Whenever we do actually sit down, we'll be starting with creamy carrot soup with scallions and poppy seeds. I'm not much of a soup girl during big meals but 1) as previously stated, I really want to blow it out and 2) OMG how good does that recipe look?

I also plan to serve some mixed baby greens with a classic vinaigrette. If my family were more sophisticated I'd plan to serve it AFTER the meal all European style but that's really not our speed yo. Not to mention - I called Dad before I packed and asked him if I could spend the week in flannel shirts and cords or if I had to bring, you know - a dress. Dad promptly fainted and when he came to he asked who I was and what had I done with his daughter. Dude - it's the winter uniform. Also? I think I've gained 10 sympathy pounds in anticipation of "The Holiday Season" and some of the dresses are well, a wee bit snug. My whole point with the salad by the way was simply to have something clean and light amidst the rest of this gluttonous gorge-fest.

We have a 12-lb. organic turkey sitting in the fridge which I plan to roast with lemon and chives.

My brother had one request: as close to plain mashed potatoes as I was willing to make i.e. don't muck them up with too much roasted garlic or goat cheese. I'm calling my to-be-created version Country Girl's Anything But Ordinary Plain Jane Mashed Potatoes and they will involve epic quantities of butter, milk, cream and salt and will be served with a side of Lipitor.

As much as I love my Four Seasons Stuffing, this year I had a vision. Seriously - it was like an angel or Mario Batali came down and touched my 3rd eye and suddenly: I SAW THE LIGHT. Actually, I saw a recipe for a rye bread stuffing with salami, apples and leeks so that's what I'm going to make. Frankly - Dad is skeptical (and annoyed I am not using sourdough bread because he prefers that to rye) but I am feeling like there might be a Feed Me Friday somewhere in all of this!

I can not STAND green bean casserole. I abhor it. I've suffered through it in years past because, well because I live in the south. Anyways, I wanted to make my Brussels Slaw but Brussels sprouts are off the menu (long story) so I am offering my interpretation of green bean casserole which is sautéed green beans with baby portabellas, caramelized onions and Parmesan. I am pretty sure it's going to ROCK.

And of course I am making my spiced cranberry & dried fruit compote because this is the 1 time a year I make it and it's that good.

We're not big pumpkin pie folks so this year I am baking a caramel cream pie with crispy rice topping. Dad tried to talk me out of it and suggested we pick up a locally baked pie in town. I shot him a death glare and promptly snarled through gritted teeth: "It's my fantasy - leave me alone." He's promised to make himself scarce til we sit down tomorrow.

Oh and how could I forget the wine. It was a no brainer - I called my girl the Wine Diva at Gun Bun and we are expecting a mixed case of Pinot Noir (the 2006 - very important to note), Gewirtz and Chard.

Seriously - have you ever heard of a more delicious and awesometastic Thanksgiving menu? I certainly haven't. Of course I've got about 36 hours to get it all done and sometimes I wonder if I bite off more than I can stir. Then again - I live for a challenge!

So darling loves - what's on your Thanksgiving table (and in your Thanksgiving glass) this year?

Questions for the Ages

noreply@blogger.com (Rougeneck) — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 12:00:00 +0000

How the Hell do you follow 8,247 people on Twitter? Or even 2,719? Or even 156? I follow 93 (at least 20 of whom don't even really Tweet) and I find that to be *overwhelming*

Seriously folks - how do you do it?

* * * * *

Is it possible to go to Target and spend less than $100?

* * * * *

Tinsel on the tree. Yes or No?

What Lady Gaga and I Have in Common

noreply@blogger.com (Rougeneck) — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 12:00:00 +0000

This is not me:

But this is my new short Love Fleece sherpa-trim robe from Victoria's Secret.

It's also the reason why I am taking a page from the Lady Gaga playbook and never wearing pants again.

My Week In Tweets: November 15 - 21

noreply@blogger.com (Rougeneck) — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 15:15:00 +0000

Just hauled my cookies to Wal-Mart and spent $43 on my cat. My pee everywhere but the damn litter box cat.
8:51 AM Nov 15th from UberTwitter

Of course, maybe if his litter didn't smell rancid he'd use the box. #petmomfail
8:52 AM Nov 15th from UberTwitter

AND I got accosted by church peeps in the parking lot. I think I need to start wearing a large Chai around my neck & Star of David earrings.
8:53 AM Nov 15th from UberTwitter

Can someone please remind me why I thought that signing up for a half marathon was a good idea??
10:03 AM Nov 15th from UberTwitter

9.3 miles (or 15k) in 1:24:39. Was aiming for 10 but my iPod died and I can't run without music. #training
11:52 AM Nov 15th from UberTwitter

Rewarding myself with ice cold Mich Ultra just like after a *real race* #ghettotraining
11:52 AM Nov 15th from UberTwitter

Eagerly awaiting @lilsaej for a little Sunday Nascar action. Meanwhile - DAMN this cold beer is good!
3:59 PM Nov 15th from UberTwitter

Well hello. Pulled my head up from Ubertwitter long enough to see that the #48 is in the lead! #gojimmie
4:01 PM Nov 15th from UberTwitter

@lilsaej threatened to send obscene Tweets from my phone while I went to the ladies room.
5:58 PM Nov 15th from UberTwitter

What she doesn't realize is that she probably can't out-obscene me.
5:58 PM Nov 15th from UberTwitter

She's a sweet southern belle. And I'm....well I'm me.
6:01 PM Nov 15th from UberTwitter

What kind of Asshat stands RIGHT IN FRONT of the weight rack to lift?
5:55 AM Nov 16th from UberTwitter

I mean could you be ANY closer to the mirror? And ANY MORE in the way?
6:00 AM Nov 16th from UberTwitter

Also? Baggy jeans and a fitted muscle tee is not a good look ANYWHERE but especially not here.
6:01 AM Nov 16th from UberTwitter

It's quite possible I am drinking soapy Diet Ginger Ale right now. #dishwashfail
8:50 AM Nov 16th from web

Gym (Sat), 9.3mile run (Sun), gym (today) - its official - I can't walk.
9:59 AM Nov 16th from UberTwitter

Who the hell is Chest Roswell?
6:52 AM Nov 17th from web

Tell me Twitterverse: who builds a conference room and falls to put in an outlet? WHO?
9:22 AM Nov 17th from UberTwitter

Either the bathroom mirror at the office is exceptionally unflattering or my ass Supersized itself overnight? Also - who stole my calves?
11:29 AM Nov 17th from UberTwitter

Seriously - if I worked here everyday, I'd have a complex. Or require medication. Or possibly both.
11:31 AM Nov 17th from web

Random: turning christina aguilera and my ipod off and spontaneously belting out a medley from Really Rosie.
2:42 PM Nov 17th from UberTwitter

There's roadkill and then there's roadSPLATTEREDALLOVERTHEFUCKINGHIGHWAY.
2:57 PM Nov 17th from UberTwitter

Feeling feisty. Like a kitten with a ball of string. Or a teenage boy on prom night.
3:01 PM Nov 17th from UberTwitter

My cat is so desperate for attention. You'd think I hadn't been home in da- Oh wait.....
6:59 PM Nov 17th from web

I think a glass of wine is totally in order after my trainer kicked my ass. One and a halfx squats? WTF??
7:30 PM Nov 17th from web

Does anybody else get a giant hard on looking at dresses on Modcloth?
9:51 PM Nov 17th from web

Dear @ModCloth: trying to buy lovely dress from your site . CAN'T log in. AM PISSED. Get your webshit together. Please. xo Rougie
10:37 PM Nov 17th from web

My new goal: Nothing but Susie Sunshine Smiles on Twitter from here on out. I won't say 1 thing about the asshat drivers on I-40. Nope.
8:34 AM Nov 18th from web

Puppies. Cotton Candy. Rainbows. Fairy Dust. Sunshine and Smiley Faces. Unicorns. Teddy Bears. #seetwittericanbeupbeat
11:47 AM Nov 18th from UberTwitter

Ok - that last Tweet made me mildly sick. But in a happy, upbeat, positive, non-stabby kind of way. Cuz that's the kind of girl I am.
11:54 AM Nov 18th from UberTwitter

You know what else makes me happy? Lots and lots of bacon on my salad. And cheese. Bacon and cheese - YUM!
1:09 PM Nov 18th from UberTwitter

Add free Twizzlers at the office and Peppermint Mochas from SBUX to the "Me Sooooooo Happy Today" list.
1:49 PM Nov 18th from UberTwitter

Is it me or does anyone else worry that they have a booger in their nose, lettuce in their teeth or food on their face during lunch mtgs?
1:51 PM Nov 18th from UberTwitter

Cuz the guy I had lunch with kept dusting his mouth and I was afraid I might have a giant pice of tortilla chip glued to my cheek w/ guac.
1:52 PM Nov 18th from UberTwitter

Did I mention I'm happy AND fat?
2:00 PM Nov 18th from UberTwitter

Have discovered I am well suited for a Western. Why? Cuz apparently I have saddlebags attached to my thighs. Oh wait - is that too Twitchy?
2:04 PM Nov 18th from UberTwitter

A day this long should have involved more than 1 glass of wine.
9:00 PM Nov 18th from UberTwitter

I bit the bullet and made a list. But a very *special* list It's the only list I can handle... #twitHER #bedauchery #drinkyerfaceoff
7:01 AM Nov 19th from web

What kind of hotel only does room service for dinner? WTF and FML b/c OMG - not showered and need coffee.
7:43 AM Nov 19th from UberTwitter

Looking at a business card rec'd from an attorney last week. TELECOPIER?!? WTF? What YEAR is it people? Am I missing something?
8:17 AM Nov 19th from UberTwitter

There is NO way this caramel peanut fusion triple threat Power Bar is remotely healthy. No way.
9:58 AM Nov 19th from UberTwitter

Today I am thankful for the following: double-sided tape, Bumpitz and very good concealer. Also? Diet fill-in-the-blank.
10:58 AM Nov 19th from UberTwitter

Now I know why they give you black napkins when you're wearing black pants. My pants look like they've got dandruff. #lintfail
1:11 PM Nov 19th from UberTwitter

Of course my 2:30 is running late. Cuz - ya know - I'd like to be on the road. Heading home.
2:45 PM Nov 19th from UberTwitter

I will not Twitch about the fact that my 2:30 is turning into a 3. Nope. Won't. Cuz I am not a Twitchy kindy of girl.
2:51 PM Nov 19th from UberTwitter

Where are all you people GOING??? GO HOME!!!! (Oh wait....)
5:17 PM Nov 19th from UberTwitter

Breaking fucking news y'all: men like girl on girl action. *slaps head* WTF?! (Just kidding)
8:07 PM Nov 19th from UberTwitter

Chik-fil-A and Coke Zero - am so easily pleased.
11:46 AM Nov 20th from UberTwitter

Also? @samanthajcampen is teasing me. #twitWHORE
11:47 AM Nov 20th from UberTwitter

Get to stand - IN HEELS - for a full hour presentation. Um - let's file that under: #shoefail.
12:04 PM Nov 20th from UberTwitter

Balding, gold chain, moustache and tinted glasses. HELLO 1974!
1:09 PM Nov 20th from UberTwitter

Christmas music at the mall. Can. Not. Deal.
1:27 PM Nov 20th from UberTwitter

Welcome @RandallCandle to our deranged, twisted, semi-sober world. #ff
2:31 PM Nov 20th from UberTwitter

Pretty new dress arrived from @ModCloth along with tax refund. Squee!!!!!!
3:09 PM Nov 20th from UberTwitter

I've resorted to pimping my @MarshallKarp for business purposes. Is that just wrong??
6:18 PM Nov 20th from web

Cold Chinese food and Coke Zero Cherry for breakfast - because I'm classy yo.
7:46 AM Nov 21st from web

I'm off to buy a Christmas tree. Yes - I am aware of the fact that I am Jewish. No - we can't discuss.
8:35 AM Nov 21st from web

Also - we can't discuss how damn expensive these things are. Maybe I need to stick to my roots, skip the tree and buy a dreidel.
8:35 AM Nov 21st from web

Of course, they don't have dreidels where I live. Hell - I have to order my Hanukah candles online.
8:36 AM Nov 21st from web

Yes I can too celebrate BOTH holidays.
8:36 AM Nov 21st from web

The biggest problem I face is getting out of my new bathrobe. Seriously - I got it yesterday & it's so damn comfy I might never take it off.
8:38 AM Nov 21st from web

Holy crap y'all! Some idiot just hit a dog on the side of the road in front of my house.
8:53 AM Nov 21st from web

Dog went limping off, howling in pain. Asshole who hit him drove off. WTF is wrong with you people?
8:54 AM Nov 21st from web

Sigh. Now I must get out of my robe and look for the poor puppy. I seriously might cry y'all....
8:54 AM Nov 21st from web

Yes Wal-Mart peeps - I didn't brush my teeth OR put on a bra. Just for you.
9:25 AM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

Y'all - the dog limped off into the woods and I couldn't find him. Keeping my eyes peeled though. #peoplearemorons
9:54 AM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

Just discovered mouse turds in one of my suitcases upstairs. Promptly commence freak out. FML.
11:52 AM Nov 21st from from web

Also? I'll be Fedexing my luggage going forward.
11:52 AM Nov 21st from from web

Or I'll have to get drunk before I pack next time & hopefully forget that Mickey is apparently using my luggage as his own personal toilet.
11:54 AM Nov 21st from from web

Currently hanging 400 holiday lights in my living room. Wondering if I should have plugged them in first to test them?
2:13 PM Nov 21st from from web

Because this light hanging business is nothing short of a GIANT PAIN IN MY ASS.
2:13 PM Nov 21st from from web

I'm seriously thinking of defriending like, 10 people on Facebook. Is it is liberating as I think it might be?
4:59 PM Nov 21st from from web

Hah! I suggested defriending peeps on FB...guess who just got defriended? #dontgiveacrap #sooverit
6:04 PM Nov 21st from from web

Wearing my hair up in a French twist for the 1st time since I chopped it last fall. Looks great from the front but it's a hot mess in back.
6:41 PM Nov 21st from from web

Girl sat down sporting rhinestones, copious amts of eyeliner & a teased mullet. Apparently it's 1983 & I didn't get the memo. Or Halloween.
9:33 PM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

Saturday night. Sports bar with Sumo. UFC. #iveofficiallygrownapair
10:02 PM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

But am double fisting Diet Pepsi and vodka/Sugar Free Red bull so in some ways I'm still *all girl*
10:07 PM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

OMG - I know UFC isn't exactly a place for fashion tips but: so want a pink satin robe that says *bad ass* across the derriere....
10:08 PM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

UFC is horrifying, addictive, bloody, expensive, entertaining, disturbing and all kinds of I DON'T KNOW.
10:21 PM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

So this is just the warm up fight. These guys aren't *that good* Holy Hell.
10:24 PM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

WTF Joe Rogan? From News Radio to UFC???
10:35 PM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

Do we think the UFC announcer chose a brown suit, brown shirt and brown tie ON PURPOSE????
10:44 PM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

Random drunk girl in the ladies room asking me for Tums. WTF y'all??
11:27 PM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

So I didn't know that people still wore their hair *like that* *blondefrizzyteasedtowithinaninchofitslife
11:47 PM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

Does the crapload of beer I've had tonight count as carbo-loading for tomorrow's supposed long run?
11:49 PM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

Um.....the 80s called....they need their hair back. WTF?
12:36 AM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

Real men don't drink cosmos #justsayin
12:43 AM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

The Kaiser: Ink don't cover up ugly. Well said my friend. Well said.
1:09 AM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

Insanity Is Doing the Same Thing Over and Over and Not Involving Jello, Cream of (Blank) Soup And/Or Velveeta

noreply@blogger.com (Rougeneck) — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 13:25:00 +0000

Every year, our local paper holds a recipe contest for their Annual Holiday Cookbook. Every year, I pour through my recipes - my personal-original-I created-them-from-scratch-because-I-am-a-serious-cook recipes - and I submit a few.

There are 4 categories to submit to and you are allowed to submit one recipe per category:

Desserts
Fruits and Vegetables
Main Dishes
Breads

My first year in town, I submitted 2 recipes: Brussels Slaw and Orange-Scented Mini Pumpkin Loaves with Golden Raisins and Cherries. I can't believe I have yet to write about my Brussels Slaw or share the recipe with you but in short this recipe will 1) dramatically change how you feel about Brussels sprouts 2) Convert even the most avowed Brussels sprout detester and 3) CHANGE YOUR LIFE FOREVER. You will seriously wonder: how did I ever survive before Country Girl's Brussels Slaw while you shovel it by the bucketload into your gaping maw. It is literally the most requested dish when friends and loved ones come to dinner. It's also a bitch to make which is why if I make it for you, you know I really love you. (Of course, I love all of YOU dear readers).

Anyways, my Brussels slaw was 1 of 5 finalist recipes in the Fruits and Veggies category. It ultimately lost to Spinach Souffle Madeleine which was a mild sting seeing as that recipe involved evaporated milk and Ritz crackers.

Side note: most vegetables around these parts arrive in casserole form and are essentially frozen and/or canned vegetables mixed together with copious amounts of dairy (cream of blank soup, mayo, Velveeta) and then bound together with bread crumbs or crumbled Ritz/Saltine crackers. Seriously y'all. As a chef and vegetable lover this offends me in ways I can not describe. File in Twitter under #unfoundedlevelsofapoplexy

Other finalists in this category involved Sugar Pea Casserole (involving canned peas, cream of mushroom soup, cheddar cheese, saltines), baked beans, and a squash and cheese pie. Actually - the last 2 I can hardly bitch about since they both appear to be "real recipes."

My pumpkin loaves were submitted as a Bread but somehow wound up in the Dessert category which is weird because the Bread category and Overall Grand Prize winner was a recipe for Cream Cheese Stuffed Apple Bread. Go figure. Also, there was a Layered Pumpkin Loaf as a finalist in the Bread category. Whatevs.

My biggest issue with the desserts was that someone submitted a recipe for Red Velvet Cheesecake which I am pretty sure was ripped from the pages of Food and Wine but then again, maybe not.

So that was Year 1.

Year 2 I submitted 4 recipes, 1 in each category. I was a finalist in ONE.

My Spiced Cranberry Conserve - which is essentially fresh cranberries cooked down with dried fruits and berries and lots of spices and which is OMG so flipping good - didn't even make the finals. You know what did? TWO-CAN CASSEROLE. No - I am not bitter. I am fucking beyond bitter. The category winner: Zesty Hot Holiday Broccoli Dip which is the delectable combination of Miracle Whip LIGHT, frozen broccoli, pimentos, and cheese. SERIOUSLY?

My Chicken Meatballs Stroganoff didn't make the finals either. And I've said it before: I have a knack for meatballs people. Veggie Lasagna using sauce FROM A JAR was the Main Dish category winner. Finalists included Apple Chicken (WTF?) and Eggplant Parmesan that includes (pauses for deep breath) MEAT. Excuse me while I step outside and hurl myself into oncoming traffic.

You know what else wasn't good enough to make the finals? My Apple Caramel Crunch Tart. You know what did make the finals? A Holiday Rum cake involving cake mix, instant pudding and rum. I can't find fault with the winner - Southern Brownie Tiramisu - so I'll shut up for a second.

The only one of my four recipes to even make the finals, were my Blue Corn Ricotta Muffins with Bacon. I lost out to Chocolate Bread with Hazelnut Spread and one of the other finalists was White Chocolate Blueberry Loaf. Seriously - my Pumpkin Loaves from the year before get treated as Dessert but these breads with Chocolate don't?

After last year's careful planning and epic failure, I flew by the seat of my pants this year. I submitted my Rise and Shine bars in the Dessert Category and my Four Seasons Stuffing in the bread category. The bars made it to the Finals, the stuffing didn't.

You know what won this year? The big Grand Prize? Jalapeno Jelly. Yes. This is what I am up against. Also? Somebody actually submitted a recipe for Green Bean Casserole (you know - the one on cans of French's Fried Onions EVERYWHERE) and there's one (although it didn't make the finals) for Doritos Casserole which seems so horrifying I won't even list the ingredients.

My bars lost out to a Golden Yam Cake but their picture did make it into the paper. Mine did not.

Anyways, every year it's the same cycle of excitement, anticipation, disappointment and then apoplexy. I am either throwing in the apron next year. Or busting out the cream of mushroom soup.

What do you think I should do? Dumb it down, stay true to form or just say fuck it and instead, cook YOU, my dear, lovely readers, a true Country Girl dinner.

PS - if you're interested in any recipes just leave me a comment and make sure to include your email. I have them all - I am just to damn lazy to hyperlink them. Oh -except the Brussels Slaw because that will make it into an upcoming round of Feed Me Fridays. If I am ever home long enough to cook a meal (says the girl who just had cold, Chinese leftovers for breakfast). Sigh.

Twitchy Woman

noreply@blogger.com (Rougeneck) — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 12:00:00 +0000

Y'all - seriously? What the Hell did we do before Twitter? Last week, I was stuck in 8 hours of mind-numbing, soul-sucking, spirit-crushing CPE because apparently, while I am not an accountant, I had the pleasure of playing one in my own personal living Hell. Do you know what I did for 8 mind-numbing, soul-sucking, spirit-crushing hours (besides bug The Kaiser incessantly and ask him to keep me entertained as in DANCE MONKEY BOY - DANCE FOR ME NOW!!)? I Twitched. Yes that is so a word. I know because I made it up. Twitch = Bitch + Tweet and it's nothing short of genius. Who the Hell is in charge of making up new words? Webster? Oxford? Whoever it is should totally give me a call.

Anyways, I Twitched a shitload. For the full transcript, check out My Week In Tweets but here's a small smattering:

Just learned where malpractice lawsuits come from. Not nearly as thrilling as where babies come from. Or mold spores.
10:26 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

10:58? It's only 10:58? My watch must be broken.
10:57 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

2 minutes til lunch and we're learning about the Theory of Deepening Insolvency. Hold me people. Hold me.
11:58 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

COOKIES!!!!
2:03 PM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

Crap. Kept thinking I was done in 1 hour and 5 minutes. It's *2* hours and 5 minutes. FML.
2:40 PM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

Thrilling stuff - I know.

Anyways as I kept sending out all of my anger and frustration to the Twitterverse, I seriously wondered what did we do B.T. (Before Twitter)? Who did we complain to? Who did we cry to? Who did we boast to? Where did we direct our questions? Who told us whether to wear our hair up or our hair down? With whom did we share the mundane details of our quotidian existence? Who told us what to download to our iPod? Or what books to read? Where did we self-promote? Where did we discover new things? Where did we get to vent? If we needed to know whether to paint our toes Gossip or Flirt - who did we ask?

For me personally Twitter is like Google with a Zoloft chaser and a giant ~~box~~ glass of wine shared with a close girlfriend. It's actually pretty fucking genius.

Anyways, then I went a step further in my analysis (because OMG I was so fucking bored there was nothing better to do than to analyze my Twitter use) and realized that while Twitter has 1001 uses, I am rarely a happy girl on Twitter. I am usually more inclined to Twitch, bitch, moan or groan than I am to celebrate, praise, or do anything remotely positive. Except pimp my blog. I am always happy to pimp ITAC on Twitter. This was confirmed when I plunked my handle into Analyze Words and I got an actual, legitimate analysis of my Tweets. Here's what Analyze Words has to say about Rougie (based on my most recent 1923 words):

My Emotional Style is primarily Worried (I scored 84 - Very High) and Depressed (I scored 64 - High). I attribute this to the fact that I've had a freak wasp infestation on account of the unseasonably warm weather and so yeah - large, buzzing, stinging insects flitting about my house are making me a wee bit stabby. And who better to share this stabbiness with than my loving followers (and a crapload of porn bots). I was Averagely Angry (I only scored a 58) and when it came to being Upbeat, I was Low with a 27. For the record - last week I was Depressed and Angry as opposed to Depressed and Worried. I didn't have a wasp problem last week and I can't recall what was making me so damn Angry. I guess the Depression is consistent. I'll chalk that one up to the fact that I don't sleep.

The good news is that when it comes to my Social Style, I am highly Personable (71) and not at all Arrogant/Distant (26). I don't know how I feel about being told I am semi Spacy/Valley Girl (like - I totally scored a 48 fer sure). And I was frankly a little shocked to discover that I am not a total failure when it comes to being Plugged In (50).

I don't know what to make of the analysis of my Thinking Style: Analytic (56-Average), Sensory (65-High), and In-the-Moment (51-Average). Any thoughts? (PS Harmzie - sweet little enginerd love of my life - can you graph this perhaps?)

So yeah. According to Twitter I am essentially an unhappy and miserable chalerie. Which couldn't be farther from the truth. Really. Are you people aware of how much I exercise? Are you aware of the endorphins COURSING through my body on a daily basis? To quasi-quote Alicia Silverstone from Clueless: people on endorphin highs HAVE TO BE HAPPY. It's like a law or something. So fine. I haven't had sex in - oh wait. That's a totally different post. (Sigh) Anyways - I am not a depressed shrew. Really. So my goal over the next week is to Susie Sunshine the fuck out of Twitter and come across as an upbeat God Damn Pollyanna. If. It. Kills. Me. :-)

Anyways - just wondering dear readers - how has Twitter changed your life and what did you do B.T.?