A Post So Awesome I Can't Even Think of a Clever Title

I don't have kids. I hope that this is not always the case, but for now my parenting skills seem to be limited to a neurotic, slightly schizo cat that I leave alone for 3 or 4 days at a time, who terrorizes my houseguests, and who seems to have forgotten how to use the litter box after nearly 9 years. Rather than pat myself on the back, we'll just file that in Twitter under #petmomfail.

Still. I love kids. And they seem to - at least on occasion - love me. I am particularly good with little girls - especially if I am sporting some sparkly eyeliner and have extra on hand to dot on their eyes as well.

Anyways, I had the massive pleasure of spending 2 and half days with my not-quite-4-year-old nephew last week over the Thanksgiving holiday and here are my random, in no particular order takeaways and observations:

* Life with a not-quite-4-year-old is a neverending question of: "WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHY?" As in..."Monkey - it's time to get dressed." "Why?" Or in reaction to watching me heat up a bowl of stuffing for breakfast the day after Thanksgiving - "Why?" (Um - for the record, because it's my traditional post-Thanksgiving breakfast and because it's so damn tasty.) Any and every action and/or remark was promptly met with: "Why?" It's endearing that he's so inquisitive but OMFG I also wanted to smash my head against the wall on occasion. My SIL assured me that after a while, you just get used to it.

* Candyland is. The. Most. Awesome. Game. Ever. Colors. Numbers. CANDY. I'd like to get lost in Lollipop Woods forever. Or the Chocolate Swamp. PS I was totally grinning like a not-quite-4-year-old myself when I actually managed to win a game.

* Baking with a not-quite-4-year-old is messy. It's also exceptionally rewarding. And while caramel cream pie with crispy rice topping is not exactly the most kid-friendly dessert, my nephew helped make the graham cracker crust and he is a champion whipped cream whipper.

* My nephew was served cranberries at his school. He didn't care for them. He wasn't going to eat my cranberries at Thanksgiving but he wound up trying them. And asking for seconds. Melt my heart why don't you kid?

* There's nothing quite like listening to a not-quite-4-year-old sing "You can't always get what you want" and then announce he's on a hunt for a Rolling Stones CD. It's even better when he follows the Rolling Stones with "Go Go Gadget Go" and then emerges with a Fiddler on the Roof CD starring Zero Mostel.

* I love reading bedtime stories. However - I learned the hard way not to improvise. Not-quite-4-year-olds are very particular when it comes to traditional nursery rhymes. Also, if you screw up unintentionally, they will totally call you on it.

* How to make lasagna according to a not-quite-4-year-old: pasta, pasta, pasta, pasta, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, pasta. What else? Meat sauce, meat sauce, meat sauce. God I LOVE this kid.

* My nephew was in the throes of a bad cold. God bless whoever invented Boogie Wipes (Really - that's what they're called. GENIUS MARKETING). Also? I've never seen so much snot in my life. Also? I plan to wear a Haz-Mat suit next time we get together. #germophobe

* It's always a treat when a not-quite-4-year-old emerges in no pants. Really. If he'd been wearing his rainboots too (which had been the plan), my ovaries might have officially exploded.

* I am amazed at what a not-quite-4-year-old can imagine and what will keep them entertained. Seriously. All week my nephew seemed to be engaged in everything around him. And while he had plenty of *real* toys and games to distract him, it was the make believe that killed me. The Clumsy Waiter (long story - blame Dad) was a particular favorite of mine. Also? We had a whole 10 minute thing that involved the long foam rollers used for stretching only they were trees. Maybe you had to be there.

* The vivid imagination is manifested vocally by a neverending high-pitched squeal. It's charming for the first 30 seconds. Then you may wish you had earplugs.

* Wednesday night at dinner I gave my nephew a kiss. He didn't wipe it off. Apparently it was the only kiss he hadn't wiped off in a while. Once again, I say melt my heart kid.

* My nephew travels with 3 different kinds of toothpaste. I don't know why but I think that's awesome.

* Watching my nephew fall of a chair was scary. Then again, I turned my back for a minute on Friday morning and my brother pointed out that had he not been in the room, my nephew would have fallen off a different chair and landed on his head. Ok - so clearly I am not quite ready to be a parent.

Still...that scrumptious face gets me every time:


Me and Monkey. Ignore the red nose. He'd been spewing massive quantities of snot for the last 6 days.


Me and my SIL as photographed by Monkey. For realz, yo! My not-quite-4-year-old snapped *this* photo. He's a fucking genius.

My Week In Tweets: November 22 - November 28

I pity whoever is on the treadmill next to me. Unless they like the smell of stale Guinness and sweat...
11:36 AM Nov 22nd from web

I am en route to the gym. It's also possible I am TOTALLY HIGH right now if I think I am able to run more than a mile - if that...
12:15 PM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

Have gone from thinking 10 miles to 10k to 10 minutes. Excuse me - am off to die.
12:21 PM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

10 minutes and I haven't died. Or puked. Despite a rather foul Donatos pizza commercial and some nauseating slop from Kay Jewelers.
12:33 PM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

Remember when I thought going for a run was fun? Training fucked that shit up. Big time.
12:44 PM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

5 miles. If I can run 5 miles I can run 13.1 right? #trainingfail
1:07 PM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

Let's face it: 5 minutes in *my condition* was impressive.
1:10 PM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

Total guilty movie pleasure: Payback with Mel Gibson.
2:39 PM Nov 22nd from web

Operation 400 Christmas lights in my living room is a SUCCESS!!!!
3:00 PM Nov 22nd from web

How do the rest of you feel about Bad Romance by Lady Gaga because I am totally ambivalent.
3:44 PM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

Although I do dig the French a la Blondie. And you could totally tell Lady G went to NYC prep school. Except for the whole *no pants* thing.
3:45 PM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

Howie Long is looking sharp! Seriously - when did these NFL dudes start dressing so nattily? 3 purples ties? Terry sporting lime green?
4:21 PM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

Just overheard: Do Jewish people celebrate Thanksgiving. OMG.
4:36 PM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

Also being debated - why don't other countries celebrate Thanksgiving. Yes. I am not making this shit up.
4:37 PM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

I am overwhelmed by the intellectual capacity at the smalltown, redneck sports bar. Oh wait......
4:37 PM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

Sitting with @Lilsaej discussing Aerosmith. She's just discovered a whole new *level of meaning* to their lyrics. #blessherheart
6:07 PM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

"You ain't seen nuthin' til you're down on a muffin...." #blessherheart
6:08 PM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

GO JIMMIE!!! WOO-HOO! HISTORY IS MADE!!!
6:41 PM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

Coming home to sparkling, multi-colored lights is utterly squeeful!!!!
7:23 PM Nov 22nd from web

Goodfellas *kinda* makes me want to go to prison like Pretty Woman *kinda* makes me want to be a prostitute.
8:08 PM Nov 22nd from web

RT @rebeccad: If you want me to buy something I don't need, make it sparkle and put it on sale.
5:45 AM Nov 23rd from UberTwitter

I have amazing neighbors y'all. The dear folks to my left are nursing the puppy hit by the car on Saturday. #sodamnrelieved
5:47 AM Nov 23rd from web

This rainy, cold, wet, grey, damp, utterly sucktastic weather can bite me.
7:25 AM Nov 23rd from UberTwitter

Dear @Citibank: YOU ARE KILLING ME. I'D LIKE TO DRIVE A STAKE THROUGH YOUR HEART YOU CAUSE ME SO MUCH ANGST. xoxo Rougie
10:33 AM Nov 23rd from web

After politely asking the rep not to hang up on me when she placed me on hold 10 gajillion times, guess what she did??
10:41 AM Nov 23rd from web

I swear to sweet baby jeebus that when I get this damn account closed I am popping a bottle of champagne and drinking the whole damn thing.
10:44 AM Nov 23rd from web

And nothing like getting sucker punched at work to brighten your day. #crapisittuesdayyet
11:12 AM Nov 23rd from web

Dear @Citibank: If you made ANYTHING remotely easy for your customers I'd die from shock. Please don't change. I like a challenge. xo Rougie
12:39 PM Nov 23rd from web

Guess who got dragged out kicking and screaming for a pre-vaca drink (or several) with the boys?
6:07 PM Nov 23rd from UberTwitter

Though really use of the words "dragged," "kicking" and "screaming" don't actually apply in this case. Or ever.
6:08 PM Nov 23rd from UberTwitter

If I'm conscious and you ask me out for a drink odds are better than good I'll accept. Sigh.
6:08 PM Nov 23rd from UberTwitter

Scaring the locals y'all. Scaring the locals.
7:10 PM Nov 23rd from UberTwitter

4 wings and 3 slices of pizza for dinner. #massivedietfail
8:15 PM Nov 23rd from UberTwitter

Apparently I've worked my way into The Fall Guy theme song. Flattered? Horrified? Both.
8:56 PM Nov 23rd from UberTwitter

Getting a lesson in how to make moonshine. Either "cornmeal" or "any fruit that moves." OMG y'all - MY LIFE!!!!!!!
9:00 PM Nov 23rd from UberTwitter

And yes - I'm out with Sumo and The Kaiser. If you couldn't tell. Sigh.
9:01 PM Nov 23rd from UberTwitter

Direct quote: "Google Earth has hurt the liquor still business." Yes y'all - I do not make this fermented shit up.
9:02 PM Nov 23rd from UberTwitter

I've never seen Blazing Saddles. Sumo and The Kaiser are beyond disappointed. #massivepopculturefail
9:21 PM Nov 23rd from UberTwitter

"We might be in trouble" #smokeyandthebandit #storyofmylife
9:51 PM Nov 23rd from UberTwitter

At the airport waiting to wing my way to @MarshallKarp.
11:13 AM Nov 24th from UberTwitter

Evil looking teen is giving me the stink eye. What? Have you never seen anyone inhale a club sandwich before?
11:14 AM Nov 24th from UberTwitter

Really - this child is unfortunate looking. And I'm trying not to be a massive bitch but oh yeah I have no filter.
11:15 AM Nov 24th from UberTwitter

"Maintenance issues." "Might not be able to board." FML. This is why I don't travel.
11:17 AM Nov 24th from UberTwitter

Guessing my 11:45 is not going to be on time.
11:37 AM Nov 24th from UberTwitter

Mechanic went to get a part for avionics. Then they run a test. Then maybe we board. Oh dear.
11:45 AM Nov 24th from UberTwitter

So unfortunate looking child is also loud AND bossy. I'd move but there are no other seats.
11:47 AM Nov 24th from UberTwitter

Flight is still listed as taking off at 12. Um - it's 11:57. You might want to update that.....
11:57 AM Nov 24th from UberTwitter

We're getting a whole new plane. Also? A new gate so I am no longer forced to look at/listen to unfortunate looking teen.
12:09 PM Nov 24th from UberTwitter

I am considering having a baby just so I could board faster.
12:43 PM Nov 24th from UberTwitter

Obviously I mean for future flights. I know I can't have a baby right now.
12:44 PM Nov 24th from UberTwitter

Of course I could *steal* one.
12:44 PM Nov 24th from UberTwitter

And that last Tweet was a total joke. But the ones before it were semi-serious. Kinda. Sorta. Maybe.
12:45 PM Nov 24th from UberTwitter

They did a bang up job cleaning the plane. Explains the half-sucked on cough drop at my feet. FTW?
12:48 PM Nov 24th from UberTwitter

There is absolutely no point in trying to compete with a puppy. NONE.
3:33 PM Nov 24th from UberTwitter

Watching my childhood stuffed animals being trashed. Then again - I think they might be breeding swine flu.
9:09 AM Nov 25th from UberTwitter

Is there a clove shortage I don't know about? Bought some ground cloves yesterday - $8. !#*! dollars. These will be some chere cranberries.
9:25 AM Nov 25th from UberTwitter

Making pudding from scratch? A bitch. Making caramel from scratch? A bitch? Making caramel pudding from scratch? BITCHBITCHBITCHBITCHBITCH
4:38 PM Nov 25th from UberTwitter

Here's what I've done so far today: made pimento cheese, gougeres, soup, stuffing, cranberries, baked a pie, blogged and run 10 miles.
5:01 PM Nov 25th from UberTwitter

Here's what I haven't done: brush my teeth.
5:01 PM Nov 25th from UberTwitter

So life with a 4yo is one never-ending question of WHY?
7:28 PM Nov 25th from UberTwitter

Also? God I love my family but they give new meaning to the word dysfunctional.
7:29 PM Nov 25th from UberTwitter

Apparently one should not improvise when reading stories to a 4yo. Lesson learned.
8:20 PM Nov 25th from UberTwitter

I salvaged 1 wee teddy bear from the 2009 Thanksgiving Stuffed Animal Massacre. He was put through the wash and left on my bed. #regressing
10:41 PM Nov 25th from UberTwitter

Seriously y'all - this may have been My. First. Teddy. Bear. Ever. #swearimgonnacryandnoitsnotthewine
10:42 PM Nov 25th from UberTwitter

Dear fitful, sleep: Oh how I've missed you. How I've missed tossing and turning. Thanks for paying me a visit. Xoxo Rougie
7:13 AM Nov 26th from UberTwitter

I am thankful for my 4yo nephew. Holy Hell this kid is cute.
7:54 AM Nov 26th from UberTwitter

My 4yo nephew is singing "You Can't Always Get What You Want" and on a quest for a Rolling Stones CD. My ovaries just exploded.
11:21 AM Nov 26th from UberTwitter

We've moved from The Stones to "Go Go Go Gadget." Hold me.
11:26 AM Nov 26th from UberTwitter

Have successfully eaten my weight in pimento cheese and bacon crostini. Am extremely thankful.
12:24 PM Nov 26th from UberTwitter

Elastic. Today especially I am thankful for elastic.
1:30 PM Nov 26th from UberTwitter

Dear Turkey: STOP teasing me and POP already......
3:43 PM Nov 26th from UberTwitter

My Thanksgiving fantasy was a sucess. *smiles dreamily* I need a cigarette.
5:54 PM Nov 26th from UberTwitter

Did I say that caramel cream pie was a bitch? I meant it was mmm-mmm-mmm delicious. Truly.
6:42 PM Nov 26th from UberTwitter

We just taught my 4yo nephew to play Candyland. "It's my game," he decreed and promptly put it in his room.
7:36 PM Nov 26th from UberTwitter

What does one do after cooking for 2 straight days? Why one makes turkey soup of course. #smackmeiminsane
7:51 PM Nov 26th from UberTwitter

I don't care that Cary Grant was *unsuitable* Would totally bring him back #timemachinefreebies
8:38 PM Nov 26th from UberTwitter

Dad: I can't hear you when you yap. Just Tweet. Me: Okthankyousweetbabyjeebus
8:55 PM Nov 26th from UberTwitter

Dear Universe: please reincarnate me as Grace Kelly in ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!
9:10 PM Nov 26th from UberTwitter

Turkey-barley soup with carrots, corn, mushrooms and Brussels sprouts. Y'all are just glad I don't have a camera phone. #foodpr0n
8:14 AM Nov 27th from UberTwitter

4yo Nephew: What are you doing? Me: Stuffing for breakfast. Him: Why? Me: Because it's sooo good. Him (pauses then grins): That's so funny.
8:41 AM Nov 27th from web

Whoever invented Candyland was a genius.
9:38 AM Nov 27th from UberTwitter

Caramel Cream Pie in the fridge is TAUNTING me. Sticking my fingers in my ears: "I can't hear you."
12:10 PM Nov 27th from UberTwitter

Dear Pie: Shut the eff up and leave me alone. Xoxo Rougie
12:13 PM Nov 27th from UberTwitter

My carry-on contains 2 books, a pound of raw Brussels sprouts, stuffing, cranberries, pimento cheese, and a giant ass slice of PIE.
12:22 PM Nov 27th from UberTwitter

Also? My childhood teddy bear. But I'm not bringing home soup because that's just plain odd.
12:23 PM Nov 27th from UberTwitter

So glad @MarshallKarp pays attention to those flashing lights that say turn on your radio. And that he has GPS. #theresnoplacelikehome
2:34 PM Nov 27th from UberTwitter

Do you ever look at people, scratch your head and wonder: WTF are you thinking dude? #airportphilosophy
5:01 PM Nov 27th from UberTwitter

Dude - wearing sunglasses for 4 STRAIGHT hours doesn't make you cool. It makes you a GIANT DOUCHEY ASSHAT.
5:05 PM Nov 27th from UberTwitter

Just spent $90 at the grocery store. On what I have no idea since I didn't *need* anything. Except wine.
6:04 PM Nov 27th from UberTwitter

Watching Aladdin. Drinking Shiraz. Should be entertaining......
9:07 PM Nov 27th from web

25 minutes into Aladdin and no Robin Williams. WTF??
9:26 PM Nov 27th from UberTwitter

Whoever decided to market Nutella as nutrious was clearly HIGH. It's not nutritious. Not remotely. It's fucking chocolate.
9:59 PM Nov 27th from web

Ok- if I were on a magic carpet w/ Aladdin I would not be singing. Especially "A Whole New World." #justsayin
10:23 PM Nov 27th from web

I am 1 business day away from closing out my Citibank account. Hold me people. Hold me.
7:08 AM Nov 28th from web

OMG!! @mcmama nominated me for Google Wave. I feel like one of the cool kids....finally.....
9:44 AM Nov 28th from UberTwitter

So...7.5 feet is QUITE large. For a Christmas tree that is.....
12:38 PM Nov 28th from UberTwitter

At Wal-Mart. Want.To.Die.
3:23 PM Nov 28th from UberTwitter

There are 10 people waiting to return crap. 1 person working the return counter. You do the math.
3:24 PM Nov 28th from UberTwitter

And when you factor in where I live, the math looks *even worse*
3:25 PM Nov 28th from UberTwitter

The same person has been returning an item since I got in line. Clearly this is not a MENSA convention.
3:27 PM Nov 28th from UberTwitter

Also? Will shortly require Xanax, a martini or both.
3:27 PM Nov 28th from UberTwitter

Dante had it wrong. This is the 9th circle of Hell.
3:30 PM Nov 28th from UberTwitter

Well that visit cost me $50 and a GIANT piece of my soul......
4:00 PM Nov 28th from UberTwitter

It looks like a glitter factory threw up all over my Christmas tree. It's AWESOME. Feelin' FESTIVE!! #discochristmas
4:56 PM Nov 28th from web

To copy @alicat28 Sweet: 2 free beers. Sour: ASSCRACK. Pull your pants up woman!
8:51 PM Nov 28th from UberTwitter

OMG y'all. Does anyone else think I require medication after reading all that???

Silencing The Crescendo

I have been up since 6:30am and on my feet cooking since 7:00am. I have chopped, pureed, simmered, stewed, sauteed, sliced and diced. I have washed, rinsed, scrubbed, wiped and swiped. I have made pimento cheese and fried bacon for the crostini; nearly overcooked red pepper, garlic and pecorino gougeres. I have made creamy carrot soup with scallions and poppy seeds as well as my spiced cranberry conserve. I have experimented on a stuffing involving rye bread, salami and apples. I still have a pie to bake. But the voices. The voices are there and I need to quiet them.

I need to run. I want to run. As much for training as for the fact that I love to run when I am up here.

Training. I am over it. In fact the other day while I was at the gym I momentarily hoped I would twist my ankle or blow out my knee and therefore get my Get Out of Jail Free card. Then I berated myself for being such an asshole. Don't get me wrong. I love working out. I love being healthy. I love being strong. But any and all joy I associated with running is long gone. Training will do that. Or rather, training has done that for me.

I had planned to go for a run in the morning but I woke up and it was dark and cold and gray and wet and damp and I was anxious to start cooking so I held off. After 5+ hours on my feet I should be exhausted. I am exhausted. But the voices. The voices are there and I need to quiet them.

I finally get out of my pajamas and into my running clothes. I calculate how long it's been since I sucked down some leftovers for lunch. It hasn't been long enough. But if I wait any longer something will happen to distract or deter me. I'll start the pie. Or my mother, sister-in-law and nephew will show up. It might even start raining. I need to get out. I need to clear my head.

Sure enough when I step outside I can see rain sprinkles on the concrete patio, feel the mist on my face. I wait for my Garmin GPS to locate satellites while Pink sings on my iPod: "I'm not here for you're entertainment. You don't really wanna mess with me tonight."

Dear Universe, I think. Please don't rain. I need to run. I need to clear my head. To exorcise my demons. I need to silence the crescendo. I don't want to be stabby when I see my nephew. I want to enjoy him. I don't want to feel this pain I feel, to carry these burdens I carry. The voices are there and I need to quiet them.

It takes like what seems to be forever but eventually the GPS loads and I start to run. Running for me these days is a constant negotiation between what I think I need to be doing for training and what I want to do for my own personal enjoyment and/or sanity. Today it's a toss-up. I have been a training failure. My last 2 "long runs" have been cut short: one because my iPod died and I was thirsty, the other because I was hungover and exhausted. Today I am well-rested, not remotely hungover, and my iPod is fully charged. No excuses. I tell myself I am simply going to run until I can run no more. Or until the voices are quiet and still.

Running feels good. Liberating. Rhythmic. Cleansing. I have a lot on my mind and I need to clear my head. And I do. For a while. But then I lose myself in the music. I lose myself in the rain, which is falling harder, steadier. I lose myself in the hills - OMG the hills. Thank God Kiawah is a flat race because these hills are killing me. And then I focus and I give some serious thought to that which occupies my mind, tears at my heart. I try to find some perspective. I do.

In the old days, I would run out Glasco to Plochman Lane and back - a basic 3.5 mile run. But today I am in it for the long haul. I pass Plochman and head towards 212. I hope it's about 5 miles there because then that will mean 5 miles back will mean an easy 10 miles. I am not so lucky. I come up on 212 and I've only run 3.3 miles. I debate turning on 212 and looping through town but I decide that 212 is probably not the safest road so I turn back on Glasco.

It's raining harder now. Not so hard I can't see - it still feels like mist - but hard enough that the cars on the road need their windshield wipers on. It's cold but I feel hot and sweaty. The voices. The voices are there and I need to quiet them.

Negotiations begin again. Turn on Plochman and do the loop through town? Or run back to the Four Corners and out the other side towards Byrdcliffe? I don't know how I feel about running through town. And that hill back up Rock City Road is a killer. But what if I get to the Four Corners and psych myself out and head home instead of towards Byrdcliffe? Then again, it's raining harder now. Maybe I should be heading towards home instead of stranding myself further and further away. I come up on Plochman and stay straight. The voices. They're still there. They won't shut up.

I hit the Four Corners and stay straight. This is a good thing. If I would have turned right it would have meant home. I've run 6.3 miles. My hope is to knock out 2 miles out towards Byrdcliffe and then back and then maybe walk the giant half-mile up the mountain to the house because HOLY FUCKING HILLS Y'ALL.

I need flat. Kiawah is flat. If I can find flat I feel like I could run all day despite the gray, the cold, the wet, the rain. I need to run all day and I no longer know if I am talking about training or my sanity. It's those damn voices.

Byrdcliffe is not flat. Not remotely. It is one giant ass hill and while I am comforted by the fact that it will be downhill on the return, the run out is a struggle. It's raining harder too. I feel a chill. My knee throbs. I turn my iPod up louder. I search for something to propel me forward.

I don't make the full 2 miles. I am overwhelmed. I ache. So I turn around and head back but I am determined to make it 10 miles. I check my Garmin at the Four Corners - 8.95. I cross back over and head from whence I've already been, once again, skipping the turn home.

The rain has stopped. I feel less of a chill. Although I am somewhat winded and fighting off pain in my left knee, I don't otherwise feel too bad. I am sort of keeping track of time but not really. I have resigned myself to the fact that it will probably take me well above 2 hours to finish the Race in two plus weeks and I am ok with that. Sort of.

The last quarter mile up the giant ass hill takes every ounce of strength I have. If it weren't for Lady Gaga whispering in my ear, I don't know if I would make it. But I do. Ninety-three minutes, 10 windy, cold, gray, very hilly miles and the crescendo is finally silenced.

I take a deep breath, walk in the door, and give my nephew a hug.

One Thing Only

I try not to get too sentimental or sappy on this blog but occasionally I have my moments. This is one of them.

Obviously - with today being Thanksgiving and all - I am reflecting on that which I am grateful for. And while the list is (thankfully) trending towards lengthy these days, there's really only one thing that I would like to publicly acknowledge.

I am thankful for love. I am thankful that I am loved by so many and I am thankful that I have the opportunity, ability and capacity to love so many in return.

This has not been the easiest year for Country Girl. And today in particular is a not-so-easy day for me. So to look at my life and to see all who touch me in so many ways - for that my gratitude knows no bounds.

For those of you who make me laugh (and on occasion snort Coke Zero Cherry and/or beer through my nose); who loan me your shoulder when I need a place to bury my snotty, tear-stained face; who cheer me on during that last, uphill mile; who challenge me to be a better me; who indulge me; who forgive me when I've hurt you...

For those of you who help me without expecting payment in return; who hold my hand when I am afraid to be alone; who tell me the truth even when it's what I don't want to hear; who accept me for who I am - imperfections and all...

For those of you who tolerate my brand of crazy; who inspire me; who stand back and let me shine; who appreciate my extreme level of neuroses; who remind me that things have a way of working themselves out for the best; who see beyond the well-managed exterior and into darker, weaker places...

For those of you who love me and who let me love you in return...you give me all that I need, so Thank You.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Biting Off More Than I Can Stir

I love to cook. This fact has been well-documented on numerous occasions. Also? I'm pretty darn good at it (even though my brand of haute epicurean cuisine seems to sometimes be lost on the locals).

Thanksgiving is pretty much my fantasy holiday and I have a an utterly insane dream to one day cook a multi-course Thanksgiving feast for at least 25. Yes - things like that get me off and if you haven't figured out my brand of crazy by now people, then what are you still doing here? Anyways - where was I?

Oh yeah - me, many courses, a week sweating my ass off in the kitchen and a minimum of 25 well-fed, happily sated guests at the end of the day. And while I'm not quite ready to live out my actual fantasy, Thanksgiving 2009 is most definitely a mini trial run.

Number of guests: We're only going to be 6 and 1 of us is just about to turn 4. And while my adorable little nephew has a very sophisticated palette, he doesn't exactly eat a whole lot quantity wise.

Number of days in the kitchen: One and a half to 2 - depending on what you count. I plan to start this morning and get as much done in advance as possible. I expect to be in the kitchen much of tomorrow as well until whatever time we sit down to eat which is I Have No Idea When. Of course, I have promised my mother that at some point I will emerge and spend time with the family and not hide behind the food processor for the entire trip...

The menu. Ahhhhh the menu. I am calling this "Sarah's Ultimate Thanksgiving Menu" also known as "I Can Plan This Any Damn Way I Want and Don't Have To Compromise With Another Living Soul (Sorta) Menu." And lest ye feel compelled to call me selfish - check out what my non-compromising ass is serving up.


Mid-Day Nibblies: I figure we will be eating at some odd time because holiday meals are always at odd times. By the way - why is that? Why is it that during holidays we're all - let's eat at 3:30pm or 4pm instead of sticking to either lunch or dinner?

Anyways, during the day we'll be munching on pimento cheese & bacon crostini and red pepper, garlic and pecorino gougeres. Probably not the best choices for those who might be lactose intolerant...but OMG YUM!!!! I am particularly drooling over those crostini.

Whenever we do actually sit down, we'll be starting with creamy carrot soup with scallions and poppy seeds. I'm not much of a soup girl during big meals but 1) as previously stated, I really want to blow it out and 2) OMG how good does that recipe look?

I also plan to serve some mixed baby greens with a classic vinaigrette. If my family were more sophisticated I'd plan to serve it AFTER the meal all European style but that's really not our speed yo. Not to mention - I called Dad before I packed and asked him if I could spend the week in flannel shirts and cords or if I had to bring, you know - a dress. Dad promptly fainted and when he came to he asked who I was and what had I done with his daughter. Dude - it's the winter uniform. Also? I think I've gained 10 sympathy pounds in anticipation of "The Holiday Season" and some of the dresses are well, a wee bit snug. My whole point with the salad by the way was simply to have something clean and light amidst the rest of this gluttonous gorge-fest.

We have a 12-lb. organic turkey sitting in the fridge which I plan to roast with lemon and chives.

My brother had one request: as close to plain mashed potatoes as I was willing to make i.e. don't muck them up with too much roasted garlic or goat cheese. I'm calling my to-be-created version Country Girl's Anything But Ordinary Plain Jane Mashed Potatoes and they will involve epic quantities of butter, milk, cream and salt and will be served with a side of Lipitor.

As much as I love my Four Seasons Stuffing, this year I had a vision. Seriously - it was like an angel or Mario Batali came down and touched my 3rd eye and suddenly: I SAW THE LIGHT. Actually, I saw a recipe for a rye bread stuffing with salami, apples and leeks so that's what I'm going to make. Frankly - Dad is skeptical (and annoyed I am not using sourdough bread because he prefers that to rye) but I am feeling like there might be a Feed Me Friday somewhere in all of this!

I can not STAND green bean casserole. I abhor it. I've suffered through it in years past because, well because I live in the south. Anyways, I wanted to make my Brussels Slaw but Brussels sprouts are off the menu (long story) so I am offering my interpretation of green bean casserole which is sautéed green beans with baby portabellas, caramelized onions and Parmesan. I am pretty sure it's going to ROCK.

And of course I am making my spiced cranberry & dried fruit compote because this is the 1 time a year I make it and it's that good.

We're not big pumpkin pie folks so this year I am baking a caramel cream pie with crispy rice topping. Dad tried to talk me out of it and suggested we pick up a locally baked pie in town. I shot him a death glare and promptly snarled through gritted teeth: "It's my fantasy - leave me alone." He's promised to make himself scarce til we sit down tomorrow.

Oh and how could I forget the wine. It was a no brainer - I called my girl the Wine Diva at Gun Bun and we are expecting a mixed case of Pinot Noir (the 2006 - very important to note), Gewirtz and Chard.

Seriously - have you ever heard of a more delicious and awesometastic Thanksgiving menu? I certainly haven't. Of course I've got about 36 hours to get it all done and sometimes I wonder if I bite off more than I can stir. Then again - I live for a challenge!

So darling loves - what's on your Thanksgiving table (and in your Thanksgiving glass) this year?

Questions for the Ages

How the Hell do you follow 8,247 people on Twitter? Or even 2,719? Or even 156? I follow 93 (at least 20 of whom don't even really Tweet) and I find that to be *overwhelming*

Seriously folks - how do you do it?

* * * * *

Is it possible to go to Target and spend less than $100?

* * * * *

Tinsel on the tree. Yes or No?

What Lady Gaga and I Have in Common

This is not me:



But this is my new short Love Fleece sherpa-trim robe from Victoria's Secret.

It's also the reason why I am taking a page from the Lady Gaga playbook and never wearing pants again.

My Week In Tweets: November 15 - 21

Just hauled my cookies to Wal-Mart and spent $43 on my cat. My pee everywhere but the damn litter box cat.
8:51 AM Nov 15th from UberTwitter

Of course, maybe if his litter didn't smell rancid he'd use the box. #petmomfail
8:52 AM Nov 15th from UberTwitter

AND I got accosted by church peeps in the parking lot. I think I need to start wearing a large Chai around my neck & Star of David earrings.
8:53 AM Nov 15th from UberTwitter

Can someone please remind me why I thought that signing up for a half marathon was a good idea??
10:03 AM Nov 15th from UberTwitter

9.3 miles (or 15k) in 1:24:39. Was aiming for 10 but my iPod died and I can't run without music. #training
11:52 AM Nov 15th from UberTwitter

Rewarding myself with ice cold Mich Ultra just like after a *real race* #ghettotraining
11:52 AM Nov 15th from UberTwitter

Eagerly awaiting @lilsaej for a little Sunday Nascar action. Meanwhile - DAMN this cold beer is good!
3:59 PM Nov 15th from UberTwitter

Well hello. Pulled my head up from Ubertwitter long enough to see that the #48 is in the lead! #gojimmie
4:01 PM Nov 15th from UberTwitter

@lilsaej threatened to send obscene Tweets from my phone while I went to the ladies room.
5:58 PM Nov 15th from UberTwitter

What she doesn't realize is that she probably can't out-obscene me.
5:58 PM Nov 15th from UberTwitter

She's a sweet southern belle. And I'm....well I'm me.
6:01 PM Nov 15th from UberTwitter

What kind of Asshat stands RIGHT IN FRONT of the weight rack to lift?
5:55 AM Nov 16th from UberTwitter

I mean could you be ANY closer to the mirror? And ANY MORE in the way?
6:00 AM Nov 16th from UberTwitter

Also? Baggy jeans and a fitted muscle tee is not a good look ANYWHERE but especially not here.
6:01 AM Nov 16th from UberTwitter

It's quite possible I am drinking soapy Diet Ginger Ale right now. #dishwashfail
8:50 AM Nov 16th from web

Gym (Sat), 9.3mile run (Sun), gym (today) - its official - I can't walk.
9:59 AM Nov 16th from UberTwitter

Who the hell is Chest Roswell?
6:52 AM Nov 17th from web

Tell me Twitterverse: who builds a conference room and falls to put in an outlet? WHO?
9:22 AM Nov 17th from UberTwitter

Either the bathroom mirror at the office is exceptionally unflattering or my ass Supersized itself overnight? Also - who stole my calves?
11:29 AM Nov 17th from UberTwitter

Seriously - if I worked here everyday, I'd have a complex. Or require medication. Or possibly both.
11:31 AM Nov 17th from web

Random: turning christina aguilera and my ipod off and spontaneously belting out a medley from Really Rosie.
2:42 PM Nov 17th from UberTwitter

There's roadkill and then there's roadSPLATTEREDALLOVERTHEFUCKINGHIGHWAY.
2:57 PM Nov 17th from UberTwitter

Feeling feisty. Like a kitten with a ball of string. Or a teenage boy on prom night.
3:01 PM Nov 17th from UberTwitter

My cat is so desperate for attention. You'd think I hadn't been home in da- Oh wait.....
6:59 PM Nov 17th from web

I think a glass of wine is totally in order after my trainer kicked my ass. One and a halfx squats? WTF??
7:30 PM Nov 17th from web

Does anybody else get a giant hard on looking at dresses on Modcloth?
9:51 PM Nov 17th from web

Dear @ModCloth: trying to buy lovely dress from your site . CAN'T log in. AM PISSED. Get your webshit together. Please. xo Rougie
10:37 PM Nov 17th from web

My new goal: Nothing but Susie Sunshine Smiles on Twitter from here on out. I won't say 1 thing about the asshat drivers on I-40. Nope.
8:34 AM Nov 18th from web

Puppies. Cotton Candy. Rainbows. Fairy Dust. Sunshine and Smiley Faces. Unicorns. Teddy Bears. #seetwittericanbeupbeat
11:47 AM Nov 18th from UberTwitter

Ok - that last Tweet made me mildly sick. But in a happy, upbeat, positive, non-stabby kind of way. Cuz that's the kind of girl I am.
11:54 AM Nov 18th from UberTwitter

You know what else makes me happy? Lots and lots of bacon on my salad. And cheese. Bacon and cheese - YUM!
1:09 PM Nov 18th from UberTwitter

Add free Twizzlers at the office and Peppermint Mochas from SBUX to the "Me Sooooooo Happy Today" list.
1:49 PM Nov 18th from UberTwitter

Is it me or does anyone else worry that they have a booger in their nose, lettuce in their teeth or food on their face during lunch mtgs?
1:51 PM Nov 18th from UberTwitter

Cuz the guy I had lunch with kept dusting his mouth and I was afraid I might have a giant pice of tortilla chip glued to my cheek w/ guac.
1:52 PM Nov 18th from UberTwitter

Did I mention I'm happy AND fat?
2:00 PM Nov 18th from UberTwitter

Have discovered I am well suited for a Western. Why? Cuz apparently I have saddlebags attached to my thighs. Oh wait - is that too Twitchy?
2:04 PM Nov 18th from UberTwitter

A day this long should have involved more than 1 glass of wine.
9:00 PM Nov 18th from UberTwitter

I bit the bullet and made a list. But a very *special* list It's the only list I can handle... #twitHER #bedauchery #drinkyerfaceoff
7:01 AM Nov 19th from web

What kind of hotel only does room service for dinner? WTF and FML b/c OMG - not showered and need coffee.
7:43 AM Nov 19th from UberTwitter

Looking at a business card rec'd from an attorney last week. TELECOPIER?!? WTF? What YEAR is it people? Am I missing something?
8:17 AM Nov 19th from UberTwitter

There is NO way this caramel peanut fusion triple threat Power Bar is remotely healthy. No way.
9:58 AM Nov 19th from UberTwitter

Today I am thankful for the following: double-sided tape, Bumpitz and very good concealer. Also? Diet fill-in-the-blank.
10:58 AM Nov 19th from UberTwitter

Now I know why they give you black napkins when you're wearing black pants. My pants look like they've got dandruff. #lintfail
1:11 PM Nov 19th from UberTwitter

Of course my 2:30 is running late. Cuz - ya know - I'd like to be on the road. Heading home.
2:45 PM Nov 19th from UberTwitter

I will not Twitch about the fact that my 2:30 is turning into a 3. Nope. Won't. Cuz I am not a Twitchy kindy of girl.
2:51 PM Nov 19th from UberTwitter

Where are all you people GOING??? GO HOME!!!! (Oh wait....)
5:17 PM Nov 19th from UberTwitter

Breaking fucking news y'all: men like girl on girl action. *slaps head* WTF?! (Just kidding)
8:07 PM Nov 19th from UberTwitter

Chik-fil-A and Coke Zero - am so easily pleased.
11:46 AM Nov 20th from UberTwitter

Also? @samanthajcampen is teasing me. #twitWHORE
11:47 AM Nov 20th from UberTwitter

Get to stand - IN HEELS - for a full hour presentation. Um - let's file that under: #shoefail.
12:04 PM Nov 20th from UberTwitter

Balding, gold chain, moustache and tinted glasses. HELLO 1974!
1:09 PM Nov 20th from UberTwitter

Christmas music at the mall. Can. Not. Deal.
1:27 PM Nov 20th from UberTwitter

Welcome @RandallCandle to our deranged, twisted, semi-sober world. #ff
2:31 PM Nov 20th from UberTwitter

Pretty new dress arrived from @ModCloth along with tax refund. Squee!!!!!!
3:09 PM Nov 20th from UberTwitter

I've resorted to pimping my @MarshallKarp for business purposes. Is that just wrong??
6:18 PM Nov 20th from web

Cold Chinese food and Coke Zero Cherry for breakfast - because I'm classy yo.
7:46 AM Nov 21st from web

I'm off to buy a Christmas tree. Yes - I am aware of the fact that I am Jewish. No - we can't discuss.
8:35 AM Nov 21st from web

Also - we can't discuss how damn expensive these things are. Maybe I need to stick to my roots, skip the tree and buy a dreidel.
8:35 AM Nov 21st from web

Of course, they don't have dreidels where I live. Hell - I have to order my Hanukah candles online.
8:36 AM Nov 21st from web

Yes I can too celebrate BOTH holidays.
8:36 AM Nov 21st from web

The biggest problem I face is getting out of my new bathrobe. Seriously - I got it yesterday & it's so damn comfy I might never take it off.
8:38 AM Nov 21st from web

Holy crap y'all! Some idiot just hit a dog on the side of the road in front of my house.
8:53 AM Nov 21st from web

Dog went limping off, howling in pain. Asshole who hit him drove off. WTF is wrong with you people?
8:54 AM Nov 21st from web

Sigh. Now I must get out of my robe and look for the poor puppy. I seriously might cry y'all....
8:54 AM Nov 21st from web

Yes Wal-Mart peeps - I didn't brush my teeth OR put on a bra. Just for you.
9:25 AM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

Y'all - the dog limped off into the woods and I couldn't find him. Keeping my eyes peeled though. #peoplearemorons
9:54 AM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

Just discovered mouse turds in one of my suitcases upstairs. Promptly commence freak out. FML.
11:52 AM Nov 21st from from web

Also? I'll be Fedexing my luggage going forward.
11:52 AM Nov 21st from from web

Or I'll have to get drunk before I pack next time & hopefully forget that Mickey is apparently using my luggage as his own personal toilet.
11:54 AM Nov 21st from from web

Currently hanging 400 holiday lights in my living room. Wondering if I should have plugged them in first to test them?
2:13 PM Nov 21st from from web

Because this light hanging business is nothing short of a GIANT PAIN IN MY ASS.
2:13 PM Nov 21st from from web

I'm seriously thinking of defriending like, 10 people on Facebook. Is it is liberating as I think it might be?
4:59 PM Nov 21st from from web

Hah! I suggested defriending peeps on FB...guess who just got defriended? #dontgiveacrap #sooverit
6:04 PM Nov 21st from from web

Wearing my hair up in a French twist for the 1st time since I chopped it last fall. Looks great from the front but it's a hot mess in back.
6:41 PM Nov 21st from from web

Girl sat down sporting rhinestones, copious amts of eyeliner & a teased mullet. Apparently it's 1983 & I didn't get the memo. Or Halloween.
9:33 PM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

Saturday night. Sports bar with Sumo. UFC. #iveofficiallygrownapair
10:02 PM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

But am double fisting Diet Pepsi and vodka/Sugar Free Red bull so in some ways I'm still *all girl*
10:07 PM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

OMG - I know UFC isn't exactly a place for fashion tips but: so want a pink satin robe that says *bad ass* across the derriere....
10:08 PM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

UFC is horrifying, addictive, bloody, expensive, entertaining, disturbing and all kinds of I DON'T KNOW.
10:21 PM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

So this is just the warm up fight. These guys aren't *that good* Holy Hell.
10:24 PM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

WTF Joe Rogan? From News Radio to UFC???
10:35 PM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

Do we think the UFC announcer chose a brown suit, brown shirt and brown tie ON PURPOSE????
10:44 PM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

Random drunk girl in the ladies room asking me for Tums. WTF y'all??
11:27 PM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

So I didn't know that people still wore their hair *like that* *blondefrizzyteasedtowithinaninchofitslife
11:47 PM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

Does the crapload of beer I've had tonight count as carbo-loading for tomorrow's supposed long run?
11:49 PM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

Um.....the 80s called....they need their hair back. WTF?
12:36 AM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

Real men don't drink cosmos #justsayin
12:43 AM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

The Kaiser: Ink don't cover up ugly. Well said my friend. Well said.
1:09 AM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

Insanity Is Doing the Same Thing Over and Over and Not Involving Jello, Cream of (Blank) Soup And/Or Velveeta

Every year, our local paper holds a recipe contest for their Annual Holiday Cookbook. Every year, I pour through my recipes - my personal-original-I created-them-from-scratch-because-I-am-a-serious-cook recipes - and I submit a few.

There are 4 categories to submit to and you are allowed to submit one recipe per category:

Desserts
Fruits and Vegetables
Main Dishes
Breads

My first year in town, I submitted 2 recipes: Brussels Slaw and Orange-Scented Mini Pumpkin Loaves with Golden Raisins and Cherries. I can't believe I have yet to write about my Brussels Slaw or share the recipe with you but in short this recipe will 1) dramatically change how you feel about Brussels sprouts 2) Convert even the most avowed Brussels sprout detester and 3) CHANGE YOUR LIFE FOREVER. You will seriously wonder: how did I ever survive before Country Girl's Brussels Slaw while you shovel it by the bucketload into your gaping maw. It is literally the most requested dish when friends and loved ones come to dinner. It's also a bitch to make which is why if I make it for you, you know I really love you. (Of course, I love all of YOU dear readers).

Anyways, my Brussels slaw was 1 of 5 finalist recipes in the Fruits and Veggies category. It ultimately lost to Spinach Souffle Madeleine which was a mild sting seeing as that recipe involved evaporated milk and Ritz crackers.

Side note: most vegetables around these parts arrive in casserole form and are essentially frozen and/or canned vegetables mixed together with copious amounts of dairy (cream of blank soup, mayo, Velveeta) and then bound together with bread crumbs or crumbled Ritz/Saltine crackers. Seriously y'all. As a chef and vegetable lover this offends me in ways I can not describe. File in Twitter under #unfoundedlevelsofapoplexy

Other finalists in this category involved Sugar Pea Casserole (involving canned peas, cream of mushroom soup, cheddar cheese, saltines), baked beans, and a squash and cheese pie. Actually - the last 2 I can hardly bitch about since they both appear to be "real recipes."

My pumpkin loaves were submitted as a Bread but somehow wound up in the Dessert category which is weird because the Bread category and Overall Grand Prize winner was a recipe for Cream Cheese Stuffed Apple Bread. Go figure. Also, there was a Layered Pumpkin Loaf as a finalist in the Bread category. Whatevs.

My biggest issue with the desserts was that someone submitted a recipe for Red Velvet Cheesecake which I am pretty sure was ripped from the pages of Food and Wine but then again, maybe not.

So that was Year 1.

Year 2 I submitted 4 recipes, 1 in each category. I was a finalist in ONE.

My Spiced Cranberry Conserve - which is essentially fresh cranberries cooked down with dried fruits and berries and lots of spices and which is OMG so flipping good - didn't even make the finals. You know what did? TWO-CAN CASSEROLE. No - I am not bitter. I am fucking beyond bitter. The category winner: Zesty Hot Holiday Broccoli Dip which is the delectable combination of Miracle Whip LIGHT, frozen broccoli, pimentos, and cheese. SERIOUSLY?

My Chicken Meatballs Stroganoff didn't make the finals either. And I've said it before: I have a knack for meatballs people. Veggie Lasagna using sauce FROM A JAR was the Main Dish category winner. Finalists included Apple Chicken (WTF?) and Eggplant Parmesan that includes (pauses for deep breath) MEAT. Excuse me while I step outside and hurl myself into oncoming traffic.

You know what else wasn't good enough to make the finals? My Apple Caramel Crunch Tart. You know what did make the finals? A Holiday Rum cake involving cake mix, instant pudding and rum. I can't find fault with the winner - Southern Brownie Tiramisu - so I'll shut up for a second.

The only one of my four recipes to even make the finals, were my Blue Corn Ricotta Muffins with Bacon. I lost out to Chocolate Bread with Hazelnut Spread and one of the other finalists was White Chocolate Blueberry Loaf. Seriously - my Pumpkin Loaves from the year before get treated as Dessert but these breads with Chocolate don't?

After last year's careful planning and epic failure, I flew by the seat of my pants this year. I submitted my Rise and Shine bars in the Dessert Category and my Four Seasons Stuffing in the bread category. The bars made it to the Finals, the stuffing didn't.

You know what won this year? The big Grand Prize? Jalapeno Jelly. Yes. This is what I am up against. Also? Somebody actually submitted a recipe for Green Bean Casserole (you know - the one on cans of French's Fried Onions EVERYWHERE) and there's one (although it didn't make the finals) for Doritos Casserole which seems so horrifying I won't even list the ingredients.

My bars lost out to a Golden Yam Cake but their picture did make it into the paper. Mine did not.

Anyways, every year it's the same cycle of excitement, anticipation, disappointment and then apoplexy. I am either throwing in the apron next year. Or busting out the cream of mushroom soup.

What do you think I should do? Dumb it down, stay true to form or just say fuck it and instead, cook YOU, my dear, lovely readers, a true Country Girl dinner.

PS - if you're interested in any recipes just leave me a comment and make sure to include your email. I have them all - I am just to damn lazy to hyperlink them. Oh -except the Brussels Slaw because that will make it into an upcoming round of Feed Me Fridays. If I am ever home long enough to cook a meal (says the girl who just had cold, Chinese leftovers for breakfast). Sigh.

Twitchy Woman

Y'all - seriously? What the Hell did we do before Twitter? Last week, I was stuck in 8 hours of mind-numbing, soul-sucking, spirit-crushing CPE because apparently, while I am not an accountant, I had the pleasure of playing one in my own personal living Hell. Do you know what I did for 8 mind-numbing, soul-sucking, spirit-crushing hours (besides bug The Kaiser incessantly and ask him to keep me entertained as in DANCE MONKEY BOY - DANCE FOR ME NOW!!)? I Twitched. Yes that is so a word. I know because I made it up. Twitch = Bitch + Tweet and it's nothing short of genius. Who the Hell is in charge of making up new words? Webster? Oxford? Whoever it is should totally give me a call.

Anyways, I Twitched a shitload. For the full transcript, check out My Week In Tweets but here's a small smattering:

Just learned where malpractice lawsuits come from. Not nearly as thrilling as where babies come from. Or mold spores.
10:26 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

10:58? It's only 10:58? My watch must be broken.
10:57 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

2 minutes til lunch and we're learning about the Theory of Deepening Insolvency. Hold me people. Hold me.
11:58 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

COOKIES!!!!
2:03 PM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

Crap. Kept thinking I was done in 1 hour and 5 minutes. It's *2* hours and 5 minutes. FML.
2:40 PM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

Thrilling stuff - I know.

Anyways as I kept sending out all of my anger and frustration to the Twitterverse, I seriously wondered what did we do B.T. (Before Twitter)? Who did we complain to? Who did we cry to? Who did we boast to? Where did we direct our questions? Who told us whether to wear our hair up or our hair down? With whom did we share the mundane details of our quotidian existence? Who told us what to download to our iPod? Or what books to read? Where did we self-promote? Where did we discover new things? Where did we get to vent? If we needed to know whether to paint our toes Gossip or Flirt - who did we ask?

For me personally Twitter is like Google with a Zoloft chaser and a giant box glass of wine shared with a close girlfriend. It's actually pretty fucking genius.

Anyways, then I went a step further in my analysis (because OMG I was so fucking bored there was nothing better to do than to analyze my Twitter use) and realized that while Twitter has 1001 uses, I am rarely a happy girl on Twitter. I am usually more inclined to Twitch, bitch, moan or groan than I am to celebrate, praise, or do anything remotely positive. Except pimp my blog. I am always happy to pimp ITAC on Twitter. This was confirmed when I plunked my handle into Analyze Words and I got an actual, legitimate analysis of my Tweets. Here's what Analyze Words has to say about Rougie (based on my most recent 1923 words):

My Emotional Style is primarily Worried (I scored 84 - Very High) and Depressed (I scored 64 - High). I attribute this to the fact that I've had a freak wasp infestation on account of the unseasonably warm weather and so yeah - large, buzzing, stinging insects flitting about my house are making me a wee bit stabby. And who better to share this stabbiness with than my loving followers (and a crapload of porn bots). I was Averagely Angry (I only scored a 58) and when it came to being Upbeat, I was Low with a 27. For the record - last week I was Depressed and Angry as opposed to Depressed and Worried. I didn't have a wasp problem last week and I can't recall what was making me so damn Angry. I guess the Depression is consistent. I'll chalk that one up to the fact that I don't sleep.

The good news is that when it comes to my Social Style, I am highly Personable (71) and not at all Arrogant/Distant (26). I don't know how I feel about being told I am semi Spacy/Valley Girl (like - I totally scored a 48 fer sure). And I was frankly a little shocked to discover that I am not a total failure when it comes to being Plugged In (50).

I don't know what to make of the analysis of my Thinking Style: Analytic (56-Average), Sensory (65-High), and In-the-Moment (51-Average). Any thoughts? (PS Harmzie - sweet little enginerd love of my life - can you graph this perhaps?)

So yeah. According to Twitter I am essentially an unhappy and miserable chalerie. Which couldn't be farther from the truth. Really. Are you people aware of how much I exercise? Are you aware of the endorphins COURSING through my body on a daily basis? To quasi-quote Alicia Silverstone from Clueless: people on endorphin highs HAVE TO BE HAPPY. It's like a law or something. So fine. I haven't had sex in - oh wait. That's a totally different post. (Sigh) Anyways - I am not a depressed shrew. Really. So my goal over the next week is to Susie Sunshine the fuck out of Twitter and come across as an upbeat God Damn Pollyanna. If. It. Kills. Me. :-)

Anyways - just wondering dear readers - how has Twitter changed your life and what did you do B.T.?

For Realz, Yo!

I have tried, on occasion, to explain my "online" friends to people but they sort of look at me like I am mildly insane and Oh Gee Country Girl - are you so lonely/desperate/hard up that you have resorted to making friends on the internetweblogosphere?

Well...when you put it like that...Except wait. This is not 1990. Chat rooms are a distant memory (right - someone please tell me that chat rooms are indeed a distant memory). Social networking is mainstream. And I can point to at least 3 couples in my life who met through online dating services. So yeah - I have strictly Interwebs friends - what of it?

I forget how it all started exactly. I think that Harmzie found Dad through Rude Cactus and then she discovered me via dad on Twitter and started reverse stalking me. She introduced me to Nenette - who is her actual IRL BFF. I don't recall where ModernMatriarch came in but she did - and with a martini-mixing, cookie-baking, sharp-tongued vengeance.

It started out small: a comment on a blog post. The occasional reply on Twitter. Then we went to the next level: drunk Tweeting and freebie lists (and drunk Tweeting about freebie lists). Then we became friends on Facebook. Then emails were exchanged. Real names were divulged. Addresses were shared and baked goods were sent.

I've never met these women in person. I haven't even talked to them on the phone. Nonetheless, I consider them my friends without equivocation.

We've discussed meeting up and getting together before. And it always seems like a good idea but we're rather scattered to the far corners, there are jobs and children to think about, competing busy schedules, where would we possibly meet that's convenient and oh yeah one of us in Canada did not have a passport until recently (not mentioning names cough Harmzie) which meant unless we all wanted to freeze our ta-tas off in Winnipeg, we had to wait for said enginerd to get her paperwork in order. Which she did. Finally.

And then last week ModernMatriarch sent an email asking us if we were going to Blogher 2010 and suggesting that if we weren't, why didn't we consider getting together IRL for realz, yo! Her timing was impeccable because less than 24 hours later we had a city (Chicago), a date (Feb 5 - 7), and we were well on our way to booking a hotel room.

THEN...ModernMatriarch invited her IRL friend and fellow blogger Cass Just Curious to join and then she got really crazy and she invited the whole damn Twitterverse. Well - her Twitterverse which includes nearly 300 followers and then Harmzie ReTweeted to her 261 followers and I ReTweeted to my 40 followers (and 130 Pornbots) and suddenly, to quote ModernMatriarch: It's about to get Broughten. By Us. Chi-Town watch out.

I have no idea where we stand at headcount. I doubt we displace BlogHer but I know we're going to need more than 2 hotel rooms. And overall I think it's pretty fucking amazing and I for one Can. Not. Wait.

And if you don't think that the Internetweblogosphere is a pretty amazing place, I'll totally kiss your...

My Week In Tweets: November 8 - November 14

I am tired and have no patience ergo I should not be at Wal-Mart.
1:00 PM Nov 8th from UberTwitter

But thank you Universe for this choice parking spot.
1:01 PM Nov 8th from UberTwitter

And that's it for the #48....3 laps in....
3:36 PM Nov 8th from web

I don't know what's worse - the #48 being out or the #18 being in the lead and going for the Texas Speedway trifecta?
4:15 PM Nov 8th from web

Flies are one thing but a WASP INFESTATION? IN NOVEMBER? You've got to be kidding me. FML.
4:20 PM Nov 8th from web

Fuck - somewhere there's a partially injured wasp limping around my house. CAN. NOT. DEAL. SERIOUSLY. WASPS?????
4:35 PM Nov 8th from web

For crap's sake - I am pulling my cashmere sweaters out of storage. AND killing wasps?? That's just wrong....
4:36 PM Nov 8th from web

Injured Wasp will now be known as Flushed-Down-The-Toilet-Decapitated-Wasp.
5:03 PM Nov 8th from web

Humphrey Bogart as Sam Spade is a total badass. #maltesefalcon #timemachinefreebies
6:44 PM Nov 8th from UberTwitter

I am tired of waiting for this day to end. Therefore - I am going to bed. #mondaycantcomesoonenough
8:19 PM Nov 8th from web

I am trying to keep a positive attitude. However a giant wasp in my kitchen before 7:30am is not helping.
7:51 AM Nov 9th from web

Heard crying outside the door - thought it was the local stray...opened the door and....
12:28 PM Nov 9th from web

BIRD caught between my real door and the outer door. How? Cause my screen is shredded to shit.
12:28 PM Nov 9th from web

Result? I SCREAMED and slammed the door. No bird in the house but still an avian issue to deal with....FML
12:29 PM Nov 9th from web

Ok - bird managed to fly out of the same hole he flew into but Holy Hell y'all - that freaked me out!
12:31 PM Nov 9th from web

You know what's not attractive at the gym? Ass crack. Actually - that's not attractive anywhere.
5:36 PM Nov 9th from UberTwitter

Insomnia. Might. Be. The. Death. Of. Me.
1:49 AM Nov 10th from UberTwitter

I swear if I don't start sleeping through the night I'm going to collapse into a weepy, useless heap of utter exhasution. #cripplinginsomina
6:12 AM Nov 10th from web

Sleep deprivation has driven me to the unthinkable i.e. caffeinated coffee. You have been warned that I MIGHT BE A LITTLE MANIC later.
7:54 AM Nov 10th from UberTwitter

Also? I might have 87 panic attacks and feel like my heart is going to JUMP OUT OF MY CHEST but #cripplinginsomnia has left me no choice.
7:56 AM Nov 10th from UberTwitter

Possible cures for insomnia: drugs, acupuncture, herbs, a sleep study or hiring someone to repeatedly smash my head w/ a croquet mallet.
8:24 AM Nov 10th from UberTwitter

Heart is racing, talking a mile a minute but eyelids still droopy and may keel over. #wrongeffectsofcaffeine
9:01 AM Nov 10th from UberTwitter

Ack. Presentation at 3:30. Working on opening remarks NOW. Lunch with an attorney in between. #procrastination
10:43 AM Nov 10th from UberTwitter

Lunch at Pietown may have not been a bright idea. Yummy yes - but major fear of public speaking + pizza = not-so-pretty....Crap.
12:02 PM Nov 10th from UberTwitter

Any tips for overcoming my fear of public speaking before 3pm? Other than to picture the audience naked?
12:02 PM Nov 10th from UberTwitter

Oh Ida - you're fucking up an otherwise very good hair day......
2:01 PM Nov 10th from UberTwitter

Hotel bar. Convention time. Choking on the testosterone and Rogaine. #gag #gag
8:54 PM Nov 10th from UberTwitter

8 hours of continuing ed. Cuz I work for an accouting firm. Awesome. #shootmenow #prettyplease #prettyplease
8:10 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

Can't discuss what I have consumed foodwise so far today. And it's NOT EVEN 9am.
8:43 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

I am not an accountant. But apparently I play one in my own personal living Hell.
9:04 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

The irony is - I have an utter crapload of *actual* work to do today. FML.
9:05 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

1 hour down. 7 to go. It's going to be a loooooooooooooooong day.
9:07 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

Just learned where malpractice lawsuits come from. Not nearly as thrilling as where babies come from. Or mold spores.
10:26 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

10:58? It's only 10:58? My watch must be broken.
10:57 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

Just snagged an invite to CPE in charleston on Friday. Cuz I rock. At least I don't have to stay for all 8 hours.
11:17 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

2 minutes til lunch and we're learning about the Theory of Deepening Insolvency. Hold me people. Hold me.
11:58 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

Cut lunch short by 15 minutes so we could end early by 15 minutes. Thank God for small favors.
12:40 PM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

RT @ruthakers: I like my hangovers like I like my 1 night stands: Short. Sweet. To the point. And gone by the time I wake up in the morning.
1:39 PM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

Me, @Harmzie and @ModernMatriarch in Chicago? In real life? OMG. OMFG.
1:43 PM Nov 11th from UberTwitter in reply to Harmzie

COOKIES!!!!
2:03 PM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

Crap. Kept thinking I was done in 1 hour and 5 minutes. It's *2* hours and 5 minutes. FML.
2:40 PM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

ACK! Crackberry @ 25% and I have more than an hour left.....
3:17 PM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

1 hour left and then this never ending day ends.
3:45 PM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

Actually - that's a lie. Get to drive home in a rain-soaked rush hour, unpack, repack, and get on the road @ 7am tomorrow. Wheee.
3:50 PM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

The next 30 minutes will surely be the longest 30 minutes of my life.
4:16 PM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

Rainy days just SCREAM Chinese take-out. Really.
7:17 PM Nov 11th from web

I am so brain dead I suspect I will pack 2 pairs of PJs and forget shoes. Or my bra. Or both.
8:08 PM Nov 11th from web

How much fried rice is too much? I mean - those Chinese dinner combo things are meant for 1 - right?
9:12 PM Nov 11th from web

I officially dub I-26 "Interstate Asshats With Small Penises and Big Cars."
10:31 AM Nov 12th from UberTwitter

It feels like a cruel trick of nature that I actually slept last night, and yet I am so tired I might keel over.
4:18 PM Nov 12th from web

Yes hotel peeps - I went wandering down the hall looking *like this* in search of Diet Coke just for you. Cuz I love you like that.
6:16 AM Nov 13th from web

And I just picked up 2 more followers. Was it the smudged eyeliner? The inside out sweater? The Roseanna Danna hair? The torn PJs?
6:21 AM Nov 13th from web

I wonder if people can tell how dirty my hair is or if they'll just think it's *shiny*
9:25 AM Nov 13th from web

Wondering if Diet Coke at a 10am meeting sends the wrong message?
9:59 AM Nov 13th from UberTwitter

Like that I am 20 and in college and not a 30-something Director of______.
10:03 AM Nov 13th from UberTwitter

Note to self: when in a room with "Ss" and "Cs" don't be such a damn "I"
10:40 AM Nov 13th from UberTwitter

Holding out for chikfila the same way Bonnie Tyler was holding out for a hero.
12:13 PM Nov 13th from UberTwitter

On a quest for chikfila in downtown columbia during lunch rush. Am desperate, insane or both.
12:49 PM Nov 13th from UberTwitter

Apparently my cat is *too good* for his litter box. Apparently blue shag carpet circa 1973 is more his style. FML.
3:11 PM Nov 13th from UberTwitter

Apparently dumping half a bottle of carpet cleaner on my cat's new choice of toilet bowl was a dumb idea.
3:34 PM Nov 13th from web

It's like an episode of Three's Company - the entire carpet is foaming up and momentarily the room will be swallowed by suds.
3:35 PM Nov 13th from web

Joy. My entire house now smells like toxic, pet odor killing chemicals. (Dear Cat: I HATE you right now. Xo Mama)
3:56 PM Nov 13th from UberTwitter

Holy Hell I am EPICALLY klutzy tonight. EPICALLY.
6:35 PM Nov 13th from web

RT @ModernMatriarch: Ok, so who lives near/in Chicago? B/c it's about to be BROUGHTEN by me, @harmzie, @rougeneck, & @casscomerford in Feb!!
7:03 PM Nov 13th from UberTwitter

Getting my picture taken for the local paper. Probably would have been a good idea to have washed my hair SINCE MONDAY.
9:21 AM Nov 14th from web

Photog: snaps pic, looks at it, says "good enough." Me: That's *comforting*
9:50 AM Nov 14th from UberTwitter

RT @mrlady: You know what twitter needs? A trending violence unsilenced tag. I spoke out will you? http://violenceunsilenced.com #vu
10:04 AM Nov 14th from UberTwitter

Is it me or are Hummers the most OBNOXIOUS car EVAH?
10:25 AM Nov 14th from UberTwitter

Here's the problem with the elliptical: no matter how fast I go, I still have the same amount of time to finish.
11:07 AM Nov 14th from UberTwitter

Waiting for Sumo. It's awkward being single girl at a sports bar on a Saturday night. Tres, tres awkward.
7:08 PM Nov 14th from UberTwitter

OMFG - man just TOPPLED off his barstool. Not sure if drunk or heart attack or what but scary....he's not moving....
7:39 PM Nov 14th from UberTwitter

Ok - he's moving and up.......phew.....
7:40 PM Nov 14th from UberTwitter

Is it wrong that at 34 I'm still *mildly scared* by the Wicked Witch of the West in the Wizard of Oz?
9:52 PM Nov 14th from web

And by *mildly scared* I mean *changing the channel like NOW!*
9:53 PM Nov 14th from web

My solution to the toxic cat urine smell emanating from upstairs? More apple Cinnamon room spray. #cantfuckingdealwithkittylovecanal
10:18 PM Nov 14th from web

What most people don't realize about Hitchcock's Rope is that it was shot in 1 fucking take YO!
10:20 PM Nov 14th from web

In re-reading this, I don't know whether to be amused or frightened by how my twisted mind works sometimes...

#FridayFail

File the following in Twitter under #FridayFail:

#FridayFail #1

I left my house at 7am on Tuesday. With the exception of a 13 hour stint Wednesday night/Thursday morning that mainly involved me unpacking, repacking, and sleeping - I wasn't home until 4pm today. As a result, my poor cat hates me and he's decided to show me by choosing to pee all over the circa-1972 shag blue carpet instead of his spiffy, fancy litter box. FML.

My solution to walking into a house that smelled like cat urine? To dump half a bottle of Woolite Carpet Cleaner (especially designed to remove pet odors) onto the carpet.

Result? It was like an episode of Three's Company and the room upstairs that houses Sebastian's litter box is now submerged in suds. And Mr. Roper is trying to evict me.

Also? For a while my house smelled like Love Canal i.e. TOXIC. Now some of the Love Canal smell has died off but apparently my cat has some kind of mystical urine because OMG now that stench is back. So it's like a cat-urine-soaked Love Canal upstairs. LOVERLY.

#FridayFail #2

Remember my Rise 'N Shine Bars? That heavenly concoction of butter, sugar, more sugar and more butter? Well every year our local paper hosts a recipe contest for the Holiday Cookbook and every year I submit a recipe (or 4) and every year at least one recipe makes the finals and every year I lose and I thought this year would be different because the Rise 'N Shine Bars are OFF THE HOOK YO but...OMFG. Apparently 3 sticks of melted butter is TOO MUCH DAMN MELTED BUTTER because the bars I just pulled from the oven are a melted buttery mess and not at all like the caramelized sugary gooey pile I pulled last time and I blame my schizo oven but OMG I have to submit these tomorrow to the peeps at the paper for tasting and judging and while I am sure I can scrounge some decent bars from the middle (not submerged in a giant pile of melted butter) this recipe is so not publishable then again what am I bitching about because the woman who won last year won on SOMEONE ELSE'S RECIPE so yeah. Breathe Country Girl. Breathe.

#FridayFail #3

I am apparently an epic klutz tonight. I mean EPIC. In pulling the container of oats from the shelf the top pulled loose and oats spilled EVERYWHERE. Then in trying to clean them up I stepped on the plastic dustpan and BROKE IT. And then I knocked over a bottle of olive oil on my counter. AND NO - I HAD NOT HAD ANY WINE WHEN THIS HAPPENED.

So yeah...it feels like a big ol' #FridayFail today. Oh wait - it's fucking Friday the 13th isn't it? Explains Everything.

Excuse me. I'm going to go pour another glass of wine and finish watching the Maltese Falcon and hope this #FridayFail comes to an end.

Tossing and Turning

I have never been much of a sleeper. As a baby, I don't think I slept through the night until I was a 18 months old (yes all of you mothers out there can promptly faint in horror), and as a small child, I had tremendous trouble napping any time I was going to be out late (Yankee game, theater, etc.) although nowadays I'd personally like to adopt a European culture that involves wine with lunch and siestas daily. But that's another post.

I first developed insomnia in 6th Grade. Yes - you read that right. 6th Grade. I was probably 11 or 12 and the way I recall it (because truth be told the way "I recall things" is not always the "way they actually happened") mom let me stay up an extra 30 minutes one Monday night to watch Kate and Allie. I watched TV instead of reading (which was my usual pre-bedtime ritual) and then I couldn't sleep. And then I was up until all hours and of course at that age, insomnia is nothing but panic inducing terror. Scratch that - insomnia is panic inducing terror at any age. Anyways, one sleepless night turned into another turned into another turned into me going to see a quack doctor to solve the problem which turned me into a sleepwalker (hey - at least I was sleeping) which turned into me no longer going to see said quack doctor which turned into me needing a note on our 6th Grade trip to Blairstown telling Ms. Melvoin and Sra. Muslin that I suffered from insomnia. File in Twitter under #highmaintenancemuch.

Eventually the insomnia ended and I moved on and started sleeping again. But over the years it's shown its ugly face on occasion - usually during times of extreme stress - and every time it leaves me feeling the same way (besides utterly exhausted): panicked and frustrated.

Well - guess who recently decided to pay Country Girl a visit? That's right - my good buddy THERE WILL BE NO REST FOR YOU MISSY! Sigh. And oh yeah FML.

Once upon a time, I tried to make peace with insomnia. As an adult I simply said: Fuck it. If you don't sleep 1 or 2 nights - no big deal. You work from home (when you're not on the road traveling). You've got autonomy with your schedule (i.e. you can sleep in late assuming you don't have a call or meeting in the morning). If you're up from 2am - 5am - who gives a shit? Well kids, that's all fine and dandy 1 or 2 nights but try multiple nights. In a row. Eventually exhaustion overcomes you and all you want to do. Is. Sleep. Like Rip Van Winkle.

It's stress related. No doubt. I won't argue there. I am under tremendous stress right now and there's simply nothing I can do about it. And whenever I wake up in the middle of the night to pee (because OMG I drink 14,000 beverages a day AND I have a teacup sized bladder made of tissue paper) I crawl back into bed and then I start to think. About work. About life. I write blog posts in my head (this one has been written several times). I think about family. Friends. I plan. I worry. I fret. My cat decides that I am the perfect human jungly gym and climbs all over me. Whatever it is - the voices in my head WON'T SHUT THE FUCK UP and suddenly I've been awake for 20 minutes and then I become hyper conscious of that fact and then I start to panic and then 3 HOURS LATER I AM STILL AWAKE.

I've tried herbal tea. Warm milk. Turkey (for the tryptophan). I bought some kind of herbal sleep spray at Earth Fare. The woman assured me that 2 - 3 squirts when I woke up and I'd be back asleep in 10 minutes. I said: Don't tell me that because if I DON'T fall asleep in 10 minutes I'll panic and feel like an asshole a failure. She told me: Ok - 15 minutes tops. She lied. I've tried counting backwards from 100. Meditating. Deep breathing and relaxation techniques. Nothing. Works.

100 years ago (which was the last time I suffered from THIS SOUL-SUCKING PLAGUE) I got a prescription for Ambien. It worked. Kinda. But the thing is, my problem isn't falling asleep. These days I crawl into bed at 9:30, read 2 pages of my book, and promptly conk out. Nope - it's the whole "waking up in the middle of the night and then not being about to DROWN OUT THE EXTREMELY LOUD VOICES IN MY HEAD" thing. That's the problem. And popping an Ambien at 3am doesn't help. It only leaves me feeling hungover and even more tired when I am up three and a half hours later.

The same girl who assured me that spraying a combination of aesculus hippocastanum ("relief from repetitive thoughts"), helianthemum nummularium ("adds courage and presence of mind in the face of adversity"), clematis vitalba ("helps give focus when you are not grounded in reality"), impatiens glandulifera ("helps you cope calmly and patiently with irritating problems or people"), prunus cerasifera ("helps you act rationally and think clearly with a calm and balanced mind when you feel you are losing control"), ornithogalum umbellatum ("softens the impact of shock or fright") and 27% alcohol (oh wait - that's listed as an inactive ingredient) would knock me out the same way Benadryl does, also suggested that my problem might be my liver (Hah!). Seriously though - if you believe in Chinese medicine your liver is where you hold all of your anger and hatred and in general all the negative crap in your life and from 2am - 4am is when your liver dumps. So I guess at 2am all of the negativity I cling to goes coursing through my body and that's why I am so fucking tired. If that's the case:

Dear Liver: LEAVE ME ALONE. YOU'RE MAKING ME STABBY. WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU? BESIDES THAT NIGHT IN CANCUN ON SPRING BREAK MY FRESHMAN YEAR. AND LAST TUESDAY.

So yeah. I am tired. More like exhausted. I don't remember the last time I slept through the night on consecutive nights. I think the day I flew to NY and back in the same 13-hour period, exhaustion won the battle and my body bitchslapped my overactive mind but in general, these days, nothing helps.

The way I see it, I have 2 choices: drugs or find someone to hit me repeatedly over the head with a croquet mallet. And frankly, neither is appealing.

Tell me darlings: what keeps you up at night?

No - I DON'T Want To Be YOUR Friend

My good friend ModernMatriarch did a fantabulous job guest posting on some of the evils of Facebook however there is a subject she did not touch on that I am passionate about: Friend Requests. Here's a clue people:

* If you and I have NEVER EVER MET and HAVE ZERO MUTUAL FRIENDS, I don't want to be your friend on Facebook. Seriously - how did you ever find me?

* Just because you and I have 3 or 5 or even 8 mutual friends but we have never met, I don't want to be your friend on Facebook.

* If you come to town to take me to dinner but then get drunk on the Lake and forget to tell me where to meet you, I don't want to be your friend on Facebook.

* If you've "seen me around town" and "know who I am" but your friend request has me scratching my head as in "Who the fuck are you dude," I don't want to be your friend on Facebook.

* If we work together, I don't want to be your friend on Facebook.

* If I already defriended you ONCE, I definitely don't want to be your friend on Facebook.

My problem is not the requests themselves - although some of them do tend to make me wonder. Just because someone wants to be my friend, it doesn't mean I have to accept. But ever since I heard that if you press the ignore button on a friend request that person can still refriend you and then somehow backdoor their way into your Facebook (or so says a friend of mine who happens to have over 1,100 friends on Facebook so I figure she's some kind of authority), I just leave the ones I don't want to be friends with in purgatory. And while this shouldn't be a big deal, I have mild OCD like you would not believe and to see these unanswered requests piling up DRIVES ME FUCKING BATTY.

So I propose some kind of rule - like if a person doesn't accept your friend request within a month, then GET A FUCKING CLUE the request is automatically removed and can not be resubmitted. Seriously. Is that too much to ask?

What are your thoughts on random Facebook Friend Requests dear readers??

ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME

I am a Leo. My ruling planet is the Sun. Do you know how I am sure of these things? Because I pretty much need to be the center of attention. Always. ALWAYS.

It gets worse. I was born on The Day of Validation. Apparently this exacerbates my affliction because no matter how great I feel about myself, no matter what I accomplish, no matter how much I feel like a badass, I always need someone else to validate it. It seems my inner strength is not quite strong enough and requires a helping hand to prop it up.

Why am I sharing this with you? Because I had such a bad case of ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME the other day that I hurt someone I care about and I have been eaten alive by shame and horror ever since. And it's as much for how much I hurt this friend as for the version of me that I saw staring back from the mirror. She was ugly. She was weak. She was needy. She was so desperate for attention that she turned into a hate-filled, insult slinging chaleria. I didn't recognize her. And what's worse - I didn't particularly care for her.

This isn't exactly a new issue for me. I am well aware of my need for attention, of my need to be validated, of my need to be complimented and praised, and of my need to be at the CENTER OF EVERYTHING. It's one of those life issues that I just keep chipping away at and while I've sowed the seeds of self-esteem, I got a rather late start and so at 34, they are still young and tender.

I try to be patient as the roots of my self-esteem take hold and plant themselves firmly in my psyche. I try to remember that Rome wasn't built in a day. That patience is a virtue. That time wounds all heels.

When I do have moments of actual self-confidence, I feel amazing. I feel incredible. And I think to myself: Oh Country Girl: isn't this the greatest feeling in the world? Keep at it sugar because it is so rewarding and YOU DESERVE IT!!!

But then I have a bad day. Or something frustrates me. Or someone doesn't return a text fast enough for my liking. Or someone doesn't tell me that I look pretty. And then it's like: HEY UNIVERSE: LOOK AT ME. YOO HOO - OVER HERE! ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME!

There's no doubt I am a work in progress and the good news is, I am taking more steps forward then I am taking backwards. Still, I am not perfect. In fact I am far from it. Sometimes my demons rear their ugly little heads and when they do, it disheartens me and frankly, leaves me feeling rather shitty.

To my friend who I hurt, I am sorry. More sorry than you will ever know. And while actions speak louder than words, hopefully these words (and my throwing myself on a very public sword) will go a long little ways to healing the hurt and repairing the damage.

As for you my darling readers: have you ever come face to face with the worst version of yourself? How do you deal with your inner demons?

My Week In Tweets: November 1 - November 7

How much caffeine is required to prevent one from actually dying from exhaustion??
6:16 AM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

Dear family: I apologize in advance for my chipped flourescent fuschia manicure and the rat's nest on my head masquerading as hair.
7:14 AM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

Upside of there & back in 1 day? No luggage therefore no need to join the mad stampede onto the plane. The downside? There & back in 1 day.
7:41 AM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

Oh Howard Schultz. Thank you, thank you, thank you for inventing Starbucks. I worship at your shrine right now.
7:53 AM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

Things that tell time but don't automatically reflect the time change are confusing the Hell out of me. I landed 30mins early, not 1hr late.
9:58 AM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

Why is there never a Starbucks when you need one? Aren't they supposed to be *everywhere*?
10:00 AM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

There's a reason why there are no Jewish soap operas. That's cuz every single drama filled moment is our ongoing real life soap opera. Oyvey
12:32 PM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

Are there any Jews who have a sense of direction?
12:50 PM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

I get no alcohol. But no caffeine? Are you people trying to kill me?????
1:42 PM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

Can anyone update me on Talladega? NY bartender just laughed when I politely asked if we could turn the Jets game to the Race.
3:10 PM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

Just my luck. Desperate to get home early. Waiting for standby. On a full flipping flight. Please universe....get me on the 5:05. PLEASE.
4:22 PM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

Flying standby feels so humiliating. It's like - can you smell how desperate I am to make this flight?
4:31 PM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

Does Rumplestiltskin work for UsAir? Cuz I'd totally promise him my first born child to get on this flight.
4:32 PM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

Channelling Dorothy: "There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home." Think it will work?
4:34 PM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

Crap. There's an awful lot of people waiting to board this flight. I don't feel encouraged.
4:43 PM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

THANK YOU! Last one of the 5:05. Now the tears I weep will be tears of joy! #theresnoplacelikehome
4:50 PM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

Longest. Day. Ever. And it's not even 8pm.....
7:16 PM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

Really Phillies? Hitting A-Road AGAIN???
8:27 PM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

13 hours and 31 minutes: Door to airport to NY to airport to Door. I'll venture a guess that's it less than 10 minutes from sofa to bed.
8:34 PM Nov 1st from web

Spreadsheets. Blergh.
3:18 PM Nov 2nd from UberTwitter

Choice a) Entire bottle of Advil Choice b) smash head on desk repeatedly Choice c) move to Mazatlan Choice d) it's 5 oclock somewhere right?
4:02 PM Nov 2nd from UberTwitter

Can you stab a spreadsheet? CAN YOU????????
4:57 PM Nov 2nd from UberTwitter

Hot Tamales and Shiraz might be the best candy/wine combo ever...
7:36 PM Nov 2nd from web

Utley. Crap.
8:17 PM Nov 2nd from UberTwitter

I'll say it: I hate Utley. There. It's out in the open now.
9:09 PM Nov 2nd from UberTwitter

Buh-bye Burnett.........
9:10 PM Nov 2nd from UberTwitter

It's looking like Susan Boyle for the Yankees i.e. not too pretty....
9:34 PM Nov 2nd from web

Apparently I have a randomly new freckle above my right eyebrow that looks like I've been branded with a Bic pen. Sweet.
10:25 PM Nov 2nd from web

Just discovered the J. Crew clearance store in Asheville. In other news - I'll be eating Ramen and tuna fish for the next 2 months.
2:14 PM Nov 3rd from UberTwitter

It's my last night with Sumo and The Kaiser for a week. It plans to be a doozie....
7:18 PM Nov 3rd from UberTwitter

Me: My pants are feeling snug. Sumo: So take them off. Me: *smacks head* Walked into that one.....
7:34 PM Nov 3rd from UberTwitter

Me: Kim Basinger is an overrated actress. The Kaiser: Yeah - but she's got some dandy tickets. Me: *smacks head again*
9:57 PM Nov 3rd from UberTwitter

The Kaiser just tried to teach me how to do a pose down. #runandhide
10:15 PM Nov 3rd from web

Sigh. Really y'all - sigh.
10:15 PM Nov 3rd from web

My gorgeous new shoes hurt like a bey-otch. Think it's a sign I shouldn't have purchased them?
9:55 AM Nov 4th from web

No matter. I will work through the pain because that's the kind of girl I am. And? Because they are GORGEOUS.
9:56 AM Nov 4th from web

I will never stop saying this: STUPIDITY MAKES ME STABBY.
1:47 PM Nov 4th from web

How is that these people have survived? Isn't there a law of natural selection?
1:48 PM Nov 4th from web

Apparently the universe has it in for me today. You know what universe? Suck it.
1:51 PM Nov 4th from web

I'd like to find something positive to say about insurance. I can't.
2:07 PM Nov 4th from web

So my concussion from FOUR MONTHS AGO is still biting me in the ass. STILL.
2:17 PM Nov 4th from web

Being interviewed by a scary claims adjustor. And when I say scary I mean HOLY HELL OMG HOLD ME NOW scary.
3:33 PM Nov 4th from web

My 4yo nephew just called to tell me he's excited to cook Thanksgiving dinner with me. #meltmyheart
7:56 PM Nov 4th from UberTwitter

When discussing the menu though, I swear he asked if there would be sushi. Either sushi or turkey - I'm not sure - I don't speak 4yo.
7:57 PM Nov 4th from UberTwitter

Either way he's the coolest little dude ever!
7:57 PM Nov 4th from UberTwitter

Double play - now that's what I'm talkin about!
8:02 PM Nov 4th from UberTwitter

SUCK IT PHILLIES!!!!!
8:34 PM Nov 4th from UberTwitter

That's right: load the bases with 1 out and A-Rod up. Suck it you son of a motherless goat!!!!!
9:01 PM Nov 4th from UberTwitter

I LOVE the determined look on Matsui's face.
9:05 PM Nov 4th from UberTwitter

Who's your daddy Pedro? Who? Oh - Hideki Matsui......
9:08 PM Nov 4th from UberTwitter

Chase Utley can bite me.
9:33 PM Nov 4th from UberTwitter

Hell yeah DOUBLE PLAY! Suck it Phillies!!!!!
9:42 PM Nov 4th from UberTwitter

SCORE!!!!!!!!!
9:49 PM Nov 4th from UberTwitter

How many times has A-Rod been beaned? Four? And on a full count? #suckitphilliessuckit
9:52 PM Nov 4th from UberTwitter

There's no crying in baseball!
10:14 PM Nov 4th from UberTwitter

So I totally forgot just how much driving in rush hour traffic blows big bags of donkey balls.
7:59 AM Nov 5th from UberTwitter

8 minutes parked on the exit ramp. I see another 8 minutes in my future. FML.
8:04 AM Nov 5th from UberTwitter

And to all of you A-Holes NOT waiting in line and passing on the left and sneaking in last minute? Suck it.
8:06 AM Nov 5th from UberTwitter

What kills me more is that this traffic is going to kill my chances of finding parking.
8:10 AM Nov 5th from UberTwitter

So networking without cocktails is not nearly as much fun as networking with cocktails.
8:56 AM Nov 5th from UberTwitter

I am hell bent on making these new ballet flats *work for me* Not working yet which might explain the look of sheer pain on my face.
11:39 AM Nov 5th from UberTwitter

What kind of asshole walks into a Caribou toting a Venti from Starbucks? Oh - the one who just sat down RIGHT NEXT TO ME.
12:07 PM Nov 5th from UberTwitter

I am so flipping hungry I could eat a cow. Good thing I am having lunch at Ruth's Chris. #callmeacarnivore #lovesbutter
12:28 PM Nov 5th from UberTwitter

The smell of butter and beef has me weak-kneed......
12:49 PM Nov 5th from UberTwitter

Someone in Iran Googled *sxy hors donkey daughter* and found me. I don't quite know how to react to that...
5:27 PM Nov 5th from web

Dear Universe: You can stop kicking me in the nuts now. Thanks.
5:58 PM Nov 5th from UberTwitter

Times like this I wish I had a punching bag b/c I want to POUND THE EVER LOVING SHIT OUT OF SOMETHING.
6:35 PM Nov 5th from UberTwitter

*sedation dentistry* there's a concept I can wrap my arms around and cuddle up to on a cold night.
6:55 PM Nov 5th from UberTwitter

Watching the blonde stripper who had sex w/ Josh Duhamel be interviewed on TV. Can't tell which is the stripper & which is the interviewer.
7:16 PM Nov 5th from UberTwitter

45 minutes on the elliptical and I am a half step closer to sanity. The next half step will definitely involve wine.
7:21 PM Nov 5th from UberTwitter

Rejuvenated furnace + shiraz = 1 calmed down and dare I say *happy* Rougie.
9:09 PM Nov 5th from web

My cat only has claws on 2 of his paws. Those were the ones that *dug in* when he just jumped into my lap. It's too early for this.
8:32 AM Nov 6th from web

I was all set for an "It's a new day" attitude adjustment. And then my cat drew blood befopre 9am. Ok world...I can take a hint...
9:03 AM Nov 6th from web

Because I am having a shitastic day, I figured I'd drive a stake in my heart and call Citibank....
3:33 PM Nov 6th from web

Dear Chase Manhattan: THANK YOU FOR FREEING ME FROM THE EVIL CLUTCHES OF CITIBANK. (I hope) Eternally Yours, Rougie
4:10 PM Nov 6th from web

For the first time since Tuesday I am wearing shoes that don't leave me in excruciating pain.
4:13 PM Nov 6th from web

So I LOVE that I know my local BoA branch manager. And I LOVE how he actually helps me when I need help. It's called customer service!
4:41 PM Nov 6th from UberTwitter

Waiting for my Brooklyn-born shoe guy to perform magic on my newly purchased torture chambers for the feet. Am optimistic.
11:38 AM Nov 7th from UberTwitter

Did I say optimistic? I meant: this man is a genius and there was never any doubt.....
11:43 AM Nov 7th from UberTwitter

Did I mention this is being done while I wait?
11:44 AM Nov 7th from UberTwitter

Bottomless mimosas and wild blueberry cheesecake at brunch. Not a bad way to start the day.
1:56 PM Nov 7th from UberTwitter

Suck it Heels!
6:34 PM Nov 7th from web

William Powell as Nick Charles in the Thin Man Series is way hot. I'd do him. #timemachinefreebies
6:48 PM Nov 7th from UberTwitter

I'd also do Myrna Loy. #timemachinefreebies
6:49 PM Nov 7th from UberTwitter

OMG Alfred Hitchcock - I love you AND Jimmy Stewart AND Grace Kelly AND Rear Window! All of you! I love all of you!
7:22 PM Nov 7th from web

Dear Grace Kelly: Can I be you? Pls? Esp. In Rear Window cuz you're *perfect* Sigh
7:45 PM Nov 7th from web

And that's all the random crap I thought this week. Actually - that's just the random crap I thought and Tweeted. Frighteningly, there's a whole lot of stuff that I don't share...

A Cinderella Story

Apparently the work peeps have it in for me. Seriously. They must. Otherwise:

WHY WOULD IT HAVE TAKEN THEM OVER 18 MONTHS TO TELL ME THAT THERE IS A J. CREW CLEARANCE STORE LESS THAN 10 MINUTES FROM OUR OFFICE? HELLO??? ARE YOU PEOPLE TRYING TO KILL ME???

(Pauses to catch breath and return to a more balanced state. There.)

So yeah. While out in Asheville in September to run my first 5K, my coworker K, she of the glorious flowing cashmere cardigans and also scary compliance queen, mentioned the J. Crew clearance store to me. I promptly fainted. Really? A CLEARANCE STORE? This close? It was more than I could handle.

And then finally finally finally I was back in Asheville this week and K and I snuck out after lunch to check out J. Crew....

So OMG y'all. Like - literally. We pulled into the parking lot. I saw the sign: "J. Crew Clearance Store." My BP shot through the roof, my pulse sky-rocketed, my breathing got short and shallow, and seriously - I was high.

Entering the store was a whole other universe. Piles of cheap cashmere. Racks of pretty dresses. Coats. OMG y'all - THE GOD DAMN FLIPPING COATS. Only - I got a perky purple coat at the J. Crew Outlet store in Blowing Rock in September and I DON'T NEED ANY MORE DAMN COATS. We won't discuss the shoes except....

CINDER-FUCKING-ELLA.

So yeah. In a frenzy of grabbing $50 Chanel-style-cashmere and more-than-half-off lovely silk dresses in hunter green (just perfect for the holidays) AND a much needed black pencil skirt (Sigh. Can you feel the shopper's high - CAN YOU???), I got waylaid by the goddamn shoes. These in particular:



Bite me J. Crew - OK?? BITE ME.

I wasn't going to buy them. I SWEAR I WASN'T....

But then K said how cute they looked and OMG y'all I have some kind of problem and so yeah...long story short, I bought them. This was on Tuesday afternoon.

Tuesday evening I got home and I was so anxious to wear MY DARLING NEW SHOES that I slipped out of my pencil skirt and into my capris and into my new...

TORTURE DEVICES FROM HELL. HOLY HELL THESE PUPPIES HURT LIKE A MOFO.

Sigh y'all. In my shopping induced mania/frenzy - I FORGOT TO ACTUALLY WALK AROUND IN THESE SUCKERS. And you know what? Whatever the fuck I bought doesn't flipping fit AND hurts like God damn hell.

Seriously? See the email I sent to K because it pretty much sums up my own private Hell these last few days:

So today I wore a simple black sheath, triple strand pearls, my new cardigan and my new shoes. The whole outfit looked darling. We'll ignore the fact that my feet hurt like Hell.

I keep praying they will stretch but it may just be the shape of the shoe and where it hits across the top of my foot. I am wondering if a half size up would have helped. Also - I am wondering how I didn't realize in the store THAT THESE SHOES ARE PURE EVIL GORGEOUS TORTURE. Seriously - I just have to stick my foot in the shoe and I am reaching for the painkillers........That said - I'll still wear them every chance I can because that's how I roll.

Note to self: when manically shopping at a clearance store and grabbing shoes in the midst of an endorphin-induced shopper's high, remember to actually TRY THEM ON and oh yeah...walking around the store once or twice might be helpful too.

So yeah. Is there anyone close by who can hit me over the head with a polo mallet????


Me being me I have been determined to makes these bad boys work for me so I have basically worn them non-stop for 2 days in an attempt to get them to better conform to the shape of my foot and/or to stretch them out and/or ANYTHING DEAR LORD.

So yeah. Any takers on the polo mallet??

Testosterone Is Catching

When I was a teenager, I had horrible skin that resulted in years of trips to the dermatologist and countless prescriptions written for every pill, ointment and cream that would possibly help. Before going down what was deemed to be THE FINAL PATH (read: Accutane), my dermatologist sent me off to an overpriced endocrinologist on Park Avenue to run a battery of tests. You know what he determined? That I produced an overabundance of testosterone and this was what was causing the acne. It was also causing some sort of issue with excessive hair loss and I stuck a report in a file folder because apparently one day if I ever want to have children this same medical condition might prove to be a problem although for the life of me I can't recall why.

Anyways, I had basically forgotten about my affliction and all that testosterone coursing through my bloodstream until I typed the following Tweet on Saturday night while watching Game 3 of the World Series:

Me. In a room. With 7 guys. Watching baseball. Shouting at the TV. Drinking beer.
11:37 PM Oct 31st from UberTwitter

See? Right then and there I realized that I had officially grown a pair. Dear me.

Let me backtrack, or rather sidestep, for a moment and say this: I am ALL GIRL. I have countless pairs of shoes, drawers threatening to explode on account of all of the make-up shoved in there, and my underthings are delicate and lacy. I refuse to leave the house without nail polish on my toes, I own a $100 hair dryer and there are people in the universe who have never seen me in pants. So yeah...I don't think anyone is going to question my XX chromosome status.

And yet...

My most common companions these days are Sumo and The Kaiser and recently life seems to revolve around the MLB post-season (Hello World Series Champions The New York Yankees!) but there's also NASCAR, football, Oktoberfest, carnivore-themed dinners, trivia, and college basketball is getting ready to start. And I've discovered that after several weeks of hanging with "The Boys," I've apparently become one. I guess testosterone is catching.

Last week we were out at a sports bar watching Game 1 and I called our female bartender sweetheart. That's right. Me - who used to spell woman with a "y" (as in womyn). Me - who has 7 Indigo Girls albums on her iPod. Me - who knows better. Don't get me wrong, I use affectionate, pet nicknames all the time. I call people Sugar and Darlin' and Honey and Cookie. But that would be PEOPLE I KNOW. I don't think I have ever in my life looked at a female bartender and said: "Sweetheart - I'll take another." Until last week. Who am I?

You know what else? I have become one of those people - you know, the ones who SHOUT OUT LOUD at the TV while in public whenever their team scores and/or their opponent fails. These days I can either be heard saying "Go Jimmie" or "Suck it Phillies." I blame The Kaiser for this. Seriously. Not even 6 weeks ago Sumo and I were out watching Sunday afternoon sports (cuz that's what I do these days) and I commented on the ridiculous idiots shouting every time someone did or didn't score a touchdown. Several Yankee games with The Kaiser later (note: he is vehemently anti-Yankees), I have found myself an obstreperous, clamorous and boisterous spectator who is not afraid to make her opinion known (although God help me during basketball season since I am the only person in the entire region besides Lilsaej and Pixie who roots for Duke).

The Kaiser even attempted to teach me the "Pose Down:"



I think it might be time for me to run and hide y'all.

But do you want to know how I officially knew I had crossed over from XX territory into XY territory? I got invited to go on the annual Boys Beach Trip. Kinda. Sorta.

Sumo's brother The BBQ King was the first to suggest it. We were all out at Hooters (natch), watching baseball and playing trivia when he issued the invitation. Some folks had dropped out last minute and no one had been able to fill the spots. I thought the invite was in jest but when I said something to Sumo the next day, he said he didn't see a problem with it. Seriously. I nearly fainted (how XX of me) because this is basically a 5 day trip that revolves around drinking, golf, more drinking, Viking helmets, more drinking, rare meat, pillaging & plundering, still more drinking AND trips to establishments where girls named Candee and Cheyenne dance "exotically" while wearing not much more than...well, while wearing not much at all.

No worries. I am not actually going (although I seriously considered it for like, a nanosecond). One - there's no way I can swing it with my schedule. Two - while The BBQ King and Sumo seemed unoffended by the idea, The Kaiser gave me a flat out "Over my dead, ancient lifeless body" and I am pretty sure the other boys on the trip would feel the same way. Still - I was disturbingly flattered by the invitation.

The thing is - I can actually trace this phenomenon back to an earlier time. A time before too many nights with Sumo and The Kaiser and a time before a hormone imbalance. You see, as a young girl my father made me listen to Howard Stern, and I am pretty sure that has something to do with the fact that I recently wrote the following Tweet:

"A-Rod's banging something besides Kate Hudson - it's called the fucking ball."

Now excuse me, I've got chest hair to braid and nuts to scratch.

Important Numbers

Credit for this post format goes to the ever-brilliant Rude Cactus. Thanks dude.

* Number of days in which this post actually takes place: 1

* Number of hours "gained" that day: 1

* Number of hours slept before my journey began making said gained hour useless: 3

* Number of caffeinated beverages consumed: 6

* Number of planes boarded: 2

* Number of times I felt like jumping into a vat of Purell: 453

* Number of hours actually spent on the ground in NY: 7

* Number of breakfasts consumed: 3...or 4 if you count a grande skinny vanilla latte from Starbucks as breakfast

* Amount spent at various airports on overpriced concessions: $17.17

* Number of times I kicked myself for forgetting to bring my leftover Halloween candy: 8

* Number of times I was with someone who got lost: 4

* Number of times I got lost in a cemetery: 1

* Number of heroes honored: 1

* Number of times I asked why there were no caffeinated beverages at lunch: at least 10

* Number of Starburst pilfered from my lovely cousin in the hopes that a wee bit of sugar would keep me upright: 1

* Number of references to the fact that I was in heels all day: 2

* Number of awkward conversations: 1

* Number of TVs at the bar at the airport: 2

* Number of those TVs turned to Talladega: 0

* Number of minutes spent anxiously sweating my standby status: 123

* Number of overpriced glasses of wine consumed in an attempt to chill out: 2

* Number of pre-boarding, anxiety-laced, standby Tweets: 5

* Number of post-boarding, I'm headed home Tweets: 1

* Number of wired-on-too-much-Halloween-candy-sugar-and-wouldn't-shut-up children sitting in the row behind me: 3

* Number of times my seat was kicked: 1,782

* Number of times I turned around and politely asked the little girl behind me to FUCKING SIT STILL GODDAMMIT please be more careful: 0 - I figured God had smiled on me by getting me on the 5:05 and I did not want to. Push. My. Luck.

* Total amount of time spent traveling door to airport to NY to airport and back to door: 13 hours, 31 minutes

And most importantly...

* Number of posts I have published on this blog: THIS MAKES 500

And if that ain't knock me over fantastic, I'll kiss your...In fact, I'll kiss it FIVE HUNDRED TIMES!!!

My week in Tweets: October 25 - October 31

Getting ready to head to @moriartytth's & bringing a bunch of experimental baked goods in tow. Is that wrong? The experimental part I mean.
2:45 PM Oct 25th from web

Also last night I have Sumo half of a Twix bar. I think that was just odd & made me feel like a gramma fishing half-eaten candy from my bag.
2:46 PM Oct 25th from web

I am having some sugar issues. Clearly. Maybe because I've sworn the stuff off til Halloween.
2:46 PM Oct 25th from web

Which makes turning my kitchen into some kind of sugar laboratory a very odd choice. I might need to adjust my meds.
2:46 PM Oct 25th from web

Caution!!! Sweet! Bet the #48 takes the lead on the double file restart. #11 can't whine about that!
5:12 PM Oct 25th from UberTwitter

PS this is why I LOVE racing!
5:13 PM Oct 25th from UberTwitter

One more shot at the double file restart....GO #48!!!!
5:20 PM Oct 25th from UberTwitter

Baseball at home with my kitty and a cuppa tea is not quite the same as baseball out with the boys and a beer...
8:35 PM Oct 25th from web

The biggest problem? Every time I cheer for my Yankees my skittish cat goes flying off the couch...
8:57 PM Oct 25th from web

Holy crap! Swisher hit the ball. WITH a runner on base. #imightfaint
9:39 PM Oct 25th from web

Is it just me or is anyone else noticing how much bling the Angels are wearing? Is it a CA thing? #mlb
9:44 PM Oct 25th from web

Whoever put a string of loading docks on a narrow, residential street was just plum stupid. Just sayin......
10:12 AM Oct 26th from UberTwitter

Dear me. I am at the grocery store so often (read: every day) that the manager knows me by site. "Oh - it's you." Sigh.
10:38 AM Oct 26th from UberTwitter

I am about ready to hurl my won't-stop-buzzing-ringing-shaking-drive-me-up-a-wall-Blackberry into my fireplace. Or into oncoming traffic.
1:10 PM Oct 26th from web

Ok...can this Monday suck it any worse?
3:00 PM Oct 26th from web

My afternoon cup of tea would taste 1000 times better with a freshly baked scone, some home made jam, and some double clotted cream.
4:27 PM Oct 26th from web

I've had my gas logs on high all day & my house has been a steady 80 degrees. I think something may be wrong w/ me cuz it feels good.
4:41 PM Oct 26th from web

Is it too early for bed?
7:38 PM Oct 26th from web

And to bed it is...
8:23 PM Oct 26th from web

Going to bed at 8:30 only works if you actually sleep through the night. A 3-hour bout of insomnia has left me feeling yawny.
5:13 AM Oct 27th from UberTwitter

Which makes dragging my ass to the gym at this ungodly hour....well....ungodly.
5:14 AM Oct 27th from UberTwitter

Great. They needed to retake my gym photo. Sure guys - the 5:30am visit where my eyes are still half closed is *perfect*
5:46 AM Oct 27th from UberTwitter

Dark out AFTER 7am is wrong. Just plain wrong. And you can be sure I will *twitch* about this until March.
7:13 AM Oct 27th from UberTwitter

Twitter is broken. #tweetfail
8:16 AM Oct 27th from UberTwitter

Holy crap! Diet Green Tea Ginger Ale might be the best beverage EVAH. (Not including wine of course...)
10:43 AM Oct 27th from web

Do doctors still perform lobotomies? Because I may totally need one. Also - what about electroshock therapy? Is that an option?
12:36 PM Oct 27th from web

This torrential rain is forcing me to skip Wally World and get right to work baking peanut butter cookies...
6:19 PM Oct 27th from web

DOUBLE CRAP! You'd think I'd know by now that Flint Street is the 18th circle of Hell. It's 11:35 - we'll see how long I sit here.
11:36 AM Oct 28th from UberTwitter

I'd say that I am so ready for this day to be over only 1) mini work drama with no short term resolution and 2) Diet Coke is my only solace
5:31 PM Oct 28th from web

Shall we discuss the horror known as Party City the Wednesday before Halloween? SHALL WE???
6:19 PM Oct 28th from UberTwitter

This experience requires a vodka IV and a handful of Xanax.
6:25 PM Oct 28th from UberTwitter

Scratch that. This experiences requires a full frontal lobotomy. Holy Hell it's INSANE in here.
6:28 PM Oct 28th from UberTwitter

And of course I got on the shortest line only it's taking the longest b/c apparently buying a Jason uniform is NOT EASY. #linefail
6:29 PM Oct 28th from UberTwitter

At H00ters w/ The Kaiser, Sumo and Sumo's brother. It's gonna be a long night. Sigh. Esp. b/c The Kaiser and the Brother hate the Yankees.
7:52 PM Oct 28th from UberTwitter

The Kaiser and Sumo (collectively): "Who's that?" Me: Michelle Flipping Obama. *smacks head* Seriously guys?
7:56 PM Oct 28th from UberTwitter

Oh dear. I am officially horrified. Officially. (Note: screaming like Tarzan while out in public is just plain wrong.)
8:53 PM Oct 28th from UberTwitter

Talking about Catholic schoolgirl fantasies really drove up blog traffic.
8:10 AM Oct 29th from web

Can we discuss my excellent parking juju? Can we????? Why yes - we can!!!
9:37 AM Oct 29th from UberTwitter

So yesterday's *easy* session with the trainer has left me sore as hell and hobbling....
1:54 PM Oct 29th from UberTwitter

Networking. Cocktails. Schmooze. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Sigh.
7:13 PM Oct 29th from UberTwitter

Flippy cups. And I can't play. Sigh.
8:42 PM Oct 29th from UberTwitter

It's official. I am *1 of the boys*
10:24 PM Oct 29th from UberTwitter

BAD CALL! #worldseriesumpfail
10:44 PM Oct 29th from UberTwitter

Me: that's crap. Sumo: No - that's horseshit. Either way: ARE YOU BLIND umpire peeps????
10:45 PM Oct 29th from UberTwitter

I have become 1 of *those* people. You know - who shout at the TV during sporting events....
10:52 PM Oct 29th from UberTwitter

Suck it Phillies. SUCK IT!!!
11:19 PM Oct 29th from UberTwitter

Dear Strange Man At Bar I Have Never Met: Please don't grope me or say hi like we are old friends cuz we aren't. Thanks! Xoxo rougie
12:30 AM Oct 30th from UberTwitter

I burnt my English muffin this morning. I wonder if this is a sign of what the rest of my day will be like.
9:04 AM Oct 30th from web

Also - I am running DANGEROUSLY low on Coke Zero Cherry. 2 left. Possible apocalypse if I don't buy more soon.
9:04 AM Oct 30th from web

Dear Gravy Mix - where the Hell are you hiding in this supermarket?
2:18 PM Oct 30th from UberTwitter

Dude - there are, like, 20 other ellipticals NOT being used. Did you really have to hop on the one RIGHT NEXT TO ME??
6:14 PM Oct 30th from UberTwitter

You - yes YOU. Jeans are NOT appropriate workout attire - kay?
6:18 PM Oct 30th from UberTwitter

Other You.....GIANT ass bling is not an appropriate accessory for working out. I don't care if you consider it to be additional weight.
6:31 PM Oct 30th from UberTwitter

So Friday night at the gym is all about the freaks, the geeks, the social misfits, and the fashion-challenged. And me. #fridaynightfail
6:33 PM Oct 30th from UberTwitter

Freak show at the gym+Brussels sprouts+meatballs+Taylor Swift=my rocking Friday night. So sexy...it hurts...
8:34 PM Oct 30th from web

Oh yeah...let's not leave out Twitter (no offense Twitter)....
8:35 PM Oct 30th from web

Oh - and my cat. Because...ya know...a girl's gotta have standards...
8:35 PM Oct 30th from web

According to Hal Higdon, I am supposed to run 10 miles the Saturday before I run a half marathon.
10:47 PM Oct 30th from web

I ran 10 miles last weekend. Does that mean I am qualified to run a half marathon tomorrow? And by qualified I mean *certifiably insane*
10:47 PM Oct 30th from web

PM Showers. Joy. Happy Flipping Halloween.
10:17 AM Oct 31st from web

Of course - I'll be inside at @lilsaej's party so why am I bitching?
10:18 AM Oct 31st from web

Then again the highlight for me is giving out the candy so really I feel sorry for the soggy crumbcrunchers going door to door...
10:19 AM Oct 31st from web

Things I hate @ the gym: women in make-up, VPL, people who flirt & meatheads who try to show off only you can tell they don't have a clue.
12:55 PM Oct 31st from web

Also - now that I've left my hermetically sealed bubble & been outside can we discuss the weather? Hot AND Wet?
12:56 PM Oct 31st from web

That's like the WORST Halloween weather ever.
12:57 PM Oct 31st from web

Uncharacteristic costume panic and so now I find myself at Wal-Mart at 2:20 on Halloween Saturday. FML

Apparently ever ill-behaved, squawking spawn of Satan is currently terrorizing the local Wal-Mart. Fuck me. FML.
2:29 PM Oct 31st from UberTwitter

$35.02 is unacceptable for a Halloween related expenditure. Therefore I plan to wear lime eyeshadow and frosty fuschia lipgloss daily.
2:41 PM Oct 31st from UberTwitter

Also? I shall revive rubber bracelets and women everywhere will covet my bright yellow fake plastic beads. #longlivethe80s
2:42 PM Oct 31st from UberTwitter

Dude - you're driving a Taurus. I think you can take the speed bump at something a little faster than - oh - say 3mph....
2:45 PM Oct 31st from UberTwitter

Quick question: 80s hair - curly or straight? And I don't have the time, tools or inclination to feather, fringe or crimp.
3:06 PM Oct 31st from web

I am supposed to be an 80s prom queen. Yet I have no sash. Or crown. Or prom date.
4:59 PM Oct 31st from web

The spandex and fishnets make me look more like an 80s *lady of the night* who wandered off from the bordello.
5:00 PM Oct 31st from web

Then again the jelly bracelets and the netting in my hair add an air of innocence...
5:00 PM Oct 31st from web

Aw fuck it. If anyone asks I am stuck in a time warp in 1987. What I am doing there is no one's business but mine.
5:00 PM Oct 31st from web

So I am thinking that my costume choice of spandex, lace and fishnets was not wise for handing out candy to small kids. Possibly.
6:50 PM Oct 31st from UberTwitter

So for the record - if you are not going to take the time to put together a real costume, you shouldn't be trick or treating. Period.
7:01 PM Oct 31st from UberTwitter

So apparently drinking beer and handing out candy is Ex-Haus-Ting.
8:13 PM Oct 31st from UberTwitter

You know what else is exhausting? Asking kids to say Trick or Treat. Seriously - if you're old enough to do it, you're old enough to say it.
8:19 PM Oct 31st from UberTwitter

Really Pettite? It's only the bottom of the 2nd. #pitchingfail
10:06 PM Oct 31st from UberTwitter

A-Rod's banging something besides Kate Hudson - it's called the fucking ball. #worldseries
10:36 PM Oct 31st from UberTwitter

Suck it Phillies!!!
10:59 PM Oct 31st from UberTwitter

Holy Hell. Go Nick Swisher. Or whoever the hell has taken over your body.
11:22 PM Oct 31st from UberTwitter

Me. In a room. With 7 guys. Watching baseball. Shouting at the TV. Drinking beer. #guessivegrownapair
11:37 PM Oct 31st from UberTwitter

I have to fly to NY in 7hrs. FML
12:22 AM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

And that's the game! Go Yankees!
12:44 AM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

And if that ain't an epic Week in Tweets, I'll kiss your...