Feed Me Fridays: The Experimental Pie Edition Part II (This Time On a Friday But Not Actually Pie. Just Roll With It Yo. Ok?)

So here's the thing about Momofuko Milk Bar's Crack Pie: it's utterly addictive (duh) and life-changing. Seriously. You know when you bake something and you cream together the butter and the sugar? And then perhaps you get a little bit on your finger and then you lick it off and then you are like: "OH SWEET NECTAR OF THE GODS COME TO MOMMA?" Well imagine if you took that heavenly concoction, added a little cream (cause - you know - it's not rich enough) and a little flour (to hold it all together), threw it in a crust and then baked it. Voila - Crack Pie.

Well seeing as these Momofuko desserts inspired me all kinds of ways, I decided to replicate Crack Pie only somewhere in the process I started thinking about breakfast and suddenly Crack Pie turned into Rise 'N Shine Bars. I think it may have had something to do with the oat crust, and then I started thinking about cereal - maybe because of those sick Momofuko cookies with the cornflakes and the marshmallows - and then I thought about a bunch of things you typically have in the morning and I decided to throw it all together, bind it with my version of a Crack Pie like filling (i.e. copious amounts of butter and sugar) and bake it. Here is the result.

Rise 'N Shine Bars

The ingredients:


Preheat the oven to 350.

Make the Toasted Oatmeal Nut Crust:

2 cups of rolled oats
6 Tbsp. brown sugar
1/2 tsp. salt
1 Tbsp. instant espresso powder
2/3 cup chopped walnuts
1 stick unsalted butter, melted

Place the oats and the walnuts in a shallow pan and toast in the oven for 8 - 10 minutes or until brown. Careful not to burn.

In a large bowl mix together the oats, sugar, salt, espresso powder and walnuts. Add the melted butter and gently combine until fully incorporated.

Press the crust into a 12 x 8 baking pan.



Bake for 8 - 10 minutes until lightly set.

Make the Crack Pie Like filling:

1-1/8 cup brown sugar
1-1/8 cup white sugar
2 sticks of unsalted butter, melted
1/2 tsp. salt
3/4 cup heavy cream
3 Tbsp. flour

In the bowl of a standing mixer combine both sugars, the butter and the salt. Stir on medium until fully incorporated and smooth. Add the cream and stir in on low. Add the flour and stir in on low.

Next comes the assembly. For this you will need 1 banana and assorted breakfast cereals. I used Corn Pops, Raisin Bran Crunch and Honey Nut Cheerios but you can use whatever is in your cupboard.

Slice the banana over the crust:



Then sprinkle 1 cup of cereal over the banana. I used 1/3 cup each of Corn Pops, Raisin Bran Crunch and Honey Nut Cheerios. Then pour in the crack filling. Then take 1 cup of cereal (I used Corn Pops), crush it and sprinkle over the top. See - looks kind of like a Crack Gratin:



Plunk the whole hot mess in the oven and bake for about 10 - 15 minutes. Then turn the oven down to 300 and bake for another 10 - 15 minutes until golden brown and the filling is just set. (Here's where I remind you that I am the proud owner of the world's most schizophrenic oven and so if my baking times seem a little off - that's why. Apologies in advance but trust me - these are so good you won't even notice).

When you pull it out of the oven, here's what it should look like:



It's time's like this I was wish we had Smell-O-Vision. Or Taste-O-Vision because Holy Hell y'all - that shit is awesome.

Let the whole thing cool for several hours. Seriously. I found that about 90% of my crack filling was set but that the outer edges were a little gooey. So yeah. Cool the bars. And once they are cool, stick them in the fridge to firm them up.

Then attempt to cut them into squares (mine did not cut neatly - they were more like weird, sticky, delicious piles) and serve.

Voila. You have a new addiction. You are welcome.

Feed Me Fridays: The Experimental Pie Edition Part I (And I Know It's Not Friday. But It Is Experimental, So Just Roll With It Yo. Ok?)

I am going to blame my brother for this y'all. My awesome older brother whom I totally love and adore and who fathered my darling little nephew whom I also totally love and adore. Anyways, it's all HIS fault that my kitchen turned into Dr. Frankensugar's Lab this past weekend which maybe isn't such a bad thing - I don't know.

So I was up in NYC a few weeks ago for the Jewish holidays and we did Rosh Hashana at my brother and sister-in-law's and for dessert my brother ordered crack from Momofuko Milk Bar. Seriously y'all - crack - only they call it Crack Pie and they call it that with reason because OMG y'all...I would seriously consider selling everything I own and whoring myself out to Mr. Land O' Lakes to eat this on a daily basis. It's that fucking amazing.

Anyways, I was in a cab with mom and she mentioned that when she picked up the Crack Pie (which more on that tomorrow) they also had a Candy Bar Pie which looked incredible and she almost bought it but didn't because in addition to the Crack Pie there were crazy, yummy Momofuko cookies not to mention a more traditional pie (apple) from Little Red Hen. But that got me thinking. Candy Bar Pie. And it being Halloween and all and there being lots of candy around...well, thus the idea for Halloween Pie was born.


Here's what I started with:



And I confess, the idea for the pretzel crust was totally poached from this recipe that was in an issue of Food and Wine earlier this year. (BTW - totally make the actual tart recipe as it is published - it is FAN-FLIPPING-TASTIC). And I thought about trying to change 1 or 2 things but the crust was pretty rocking so follow the crust part of the recipe in Food and Wine. It should look something like this:



And be warned - it's a very sticky dough which is why you need to keep it in the plastic wrap and definitely let it chill for at least 30 minutes. Only - once you roll it out instead of plunking it into a tart pan, plunk it into a 9-inch pie plate. You'll probably have excess dough which is fine. Anyways follow the baking instructions and in theory your crust should come out ok. Mine did not. Mine got overcooked and I will chalk that up to THE SCHIZOPHRENIC OVEN FROM HELL and the end result of an overcooked pie crust is that it takes a chisel and a jackhammer to loose that shit from the pie plate. Sigh...


So yeah. Don't overcook your crust. Or maybe stick with the tart pan. Or scratch the whole pretzel crust and just buy a pre-made crust - I am thinking a cookie crust.

Anyways. While your crust is baking, make the peanut butter-white chocolate stuff. And yes, I am calling it stuff because it's not really cream and it's not really glaze and it's not really mousse it's just a random layer I decided to add last minute.

Melt ¼ cup white chocolate chips with 2 Tbsp. heavy cream. I am lazy and do it in the microwave. Those of you who are more sophisticated might prefer a double boiler. Whatever rocks your world sugar. Anyways, pour the melted mixture into a mixing bowl and add 3 generous Tbsp. of smooth and creamy peanut butter. Beat with an electric mixer until blended. Then add 1 Tbsp. of softened unsalted butter cut into pieces and beat in until mixture is smooth and creamy.

See how yummy "stuff" looks:



While your crust is cooling and your stuff is resting (at room temperature), make what I lovingly call Lazy Girl's Ganache. In an large measuring cup or mixing bowl combine 1-1/3 cups of bittersweet chocolate chips, 1/4 cup of heavy whipping cream and 3 Tbsp. of softened, unsalted butter:



Microwave on high in 20 - 30 second intervals, stirring after each one, until you get this:



Next, spread the peanut butter-white chocolate concoction onto the cooled (and hopefully not burned to an ever loving crisp) crust. I find that an offset spatula is the best tool for this:



Next - cut up your Halloween candy Mr. Pitt style. You can use whatever you want. I opted for 1 full Kit Kat (regular size), 1 full Snickers, and half of a Twix (I gave the other half to Sumo when we were out that night and I felt like some weird gramma type fishing half eaten candy out of my purse and giving it to a friend but I am sugar-free all week and the temptation would have been too much.). Scatter the candy onto the peanut butter-white chocolate covered pie crust like so:


Then stick the whole mess in the fridge for about 20 - 30 minutes until it has set.

Remove from the fridge and pour in the bittersweet chocolate ganache and then garnish. I topped mine with a pack of peanut M&Ms but again, you could do whatever.


Stick the whole thing back in the fridge (again) and let it set for a few hours or over night. When you go to serve you probably want to let it sit out at room temperature for a wee bit otherwise you'll need a chain saw to cut through the ganache which is not what you want at all. You want the ganache to be solid, but to have a little bit of give...not too unlike fudge.

So yeah. That's my version of Halloween pie and NO it does not have candy corns (although I love candy corns) and NO it does not have orange frosting. It's really just my riff on Candy Bar Pie only I associate candy with Halloween which is why I named it Halloween pie and...ok...I will shut up now.

BTW - I did not actually try the pie (I rarely eat what I bake to begin with but I am on a self-imposed detox this week which means no sugar, no alcohol and nothing fried) but I was told it was pretty tasty. At least the filling part. No one had a chisel to get the crust loose from the pie plate.

Fulfilling My Catholic Schoolgirl Fantasies

I am not a Catholic schoolgirl. Hell - I'm not even Catholic. But there is something about a uniform that I find exceptionally comforting. Also - I have a thing for plaid miniskirts.

But plaid miniskirt obsessions aside, I really do love uniforms and I am the type of girl to walk into a store, find a sweater/dress/skirt/shirt I like and buy 2, 3 or sometimes 4 in different colors/patterns. Two summers ago I found an awesome cotton prairie skirt at The Gap. I bought in bright blue, bright orange, and black. I wore it with assorted colors of the perfect fitted Bella scoopneck tee acquired in bulk from a wholesale distributor. Footwear tended to be Jack Rogers - either in silver or turquoise. All. Summer. Long. This is what I wore.

Last winter I found the perfect off the shoulder sweater at Wal-Mart. I got 3: black, grey and pink. I rotated through them most of the winter (paired with jeans and boots), occasionally interspersing them with my awesome royal purple cashmere cable-knit crewneck picked up at the J. Crew outlet.

If I find a t-shirt I like, you can be sure that I will buy 3 or 4 at a time because let's face it: 1) you can never have too many t-shirts 2) they eventually get stained, torn or stretched out 3) you can never have too many t-shirts and 4) you can never have too many t-shirts. In fact, I just picked up 3 perfect long sleeve tees at Old Navy the other week (one in the most delightful shade of pink - OMG I am obsessed). I would have got more but I am on a budget.

In general, I have seasonal uniforms. In the spring and summer you are apt to find me in sundresses and pretty floral skirts, bare legs and open toed shoes or sandals. In fact, my friend Pixie once asked me if I owned jeans. Do I own them? Hell honey - I live in them 6 months of the year (for the record: Pixie has a year round uniform of jeans, t-shirts and flip flops and in fact - I have never seen her in a skirt or dress except during Halloween).

My uniform these days seems to be either black leggings, jeans, or cords - which OMG - I actually prefer cords to jeans. Only - I can never find cords I like and that fit well. And if I do, they are generally overpriced (Ahem J. Crew) not to mention I usually buy them in idiotic colors like magenta or rust and then I wake up 3 days later and I'm like: why don't I own cords in normal neutral colors like black, chocolate brown, olive green, khaki, and/or stone? Seriously - what the hell was I thinking buying magenta cords?

Anyways - my trip to Old Navy on Saturday was actually pretty sweet because in addition to the amazing, perfect, slightly overpriced long sleeve tees, I scored 2 pairs of awesome Sweetheart cords which are stretchy and feel good and oh yeah are normal colors (charcoal and chocolate) and are long enough to wear with boots but if I get lazy and decide to wear with sneakers no one will know i.e. I don't have to hem them and oh yeah- does anyone else have this problem? Seriously - length of pants leg can be such a challenge when your footwear ranges from flat to 3-inch heel only I can't bring myself to have "flat pants" and "heel pants" so I just kind of flub it somewhere in the middle and I am sure somewhere someone is rolling over in their grave (who I have no idea but someone is) but I just say aw fuck it.

Where was I?

My uniform. These days it consists of leggings or cords, t-shirts and these awesome fitted, Western-style, plaid flannel shirts I found at Target and of which I purchased 3. Actually - I purchased 4 but then returned one. But then I bought a non-flannel, still fitted, Western-Style, plaid shirt at Old Navy so it was kind of a wash. And I am thinking about ordering 1 more online only...well...that seems excessive.

To top it all off I can generally be found bundled in my favorite grey wool wrap sweater (purchased at Old Navy last year during a post-Christmas sale and which I had actually been coveting for months and which I actually got for like 80% off and which I actually wear like all of the time so it falls in the category of REALLY GOOD PURCHASE) and my cheap black Target scarf knotted around my neck like I am a finalist for American Idol fighting off a case of laryngitis or something.

And boots. Or sneakers. Because my fuzzy clogs are gross. But I was thinking today I really need new fuzzy clogs. Or Merrills. Or something flat and lined in fleece that will keep my feet warm because I am perpetually cold.

So darling readers - do you have an adult uniform that gives you comfort?

PS This entire post was written under the influence of Dextromethorphan and Phenylephrine HCl.

PPS I lied. While truthfully I am fighting off a cold, I am not currently on cold medicine other than homemade vegetable soup and Diet Ginger Ale so really I have no excuse for the semi-crazy, rambling nature of this post other than I myself am semi-crazy. Clearly.

Finding My Stride

Since Iron Man told me I was burnt out - and subsequently suggest I dial it back a bit and take at least 2 weeks off - I actually did just the opposite. I went for 2 runs last week. But they were different sorts of runs.

Last Wednesday afternoon was just lovely. Mid to high 60s, sunny, clear sky. I was going to go to the gym and then I thought I'd be foolish NOT to take advantage of the gorgeous weather and so I grabbed my snazzy new Garmin GPS watch and headed to the Rail Trail. I haven't run the Trail in ages - mainly because I was never sure of the distance and measuring various metrics is of the utmost importance to me. But with the Garmin on my wrist I knew it wouldn't be a problem.

I didn't really have a goal when I began my run other than that I wanted to enjoy myself. I wanted to enjoy the feel of the late afternoon sun on my face. I wanted to enjoy the feel of concrete and fallen leaves beneath my new Mizunos. I wanted to enjoy air that wasn't oppressively heavy with humidity. I wanted to enjoy the pretty, tree-lined scenery. I didn't want to think about pace. Or time. Or distance. I just wanted to run. And run I did.

I ran the Trail 3 times. Don't get me wrong - I checked my pace on occasion. And I was conscious of exactly how far I ran (5.3 miles go be exact). But for once I was able to quiet the ultra competitive voices in myhead and just go for a run and enjoy it. Which I did. Until I got home and discovered I was covered in 100s of tiny dead bug carcasses at which point I promptly freaked out. So yeah - it had been buggy and I had been aware of trying NOT to inhale a mouthful of gnats every time I opened my mouth to breathe but it wasn't until I got home and looked in the mirror and it looked like someone had poked me 100s of times with a black ball point pen that I realized I was a living, breathing, walking cemetery for 100s and 100s of gnats. It was GAH-ROSS.

Insect issues aside, I felt so good about Wednesday's run that I decided to give it another whirl on Sunday. And while I didn't want to make it about training, I decided I wanted to go for a long run for several reasons:

1) I NEVER get to go for long runs. Weekends are the only chance I ever have the time and this past weekend I actually had the time.

2) I've had some things on my mind recently and I felt like I really needed to clear my head. I figured what was a better head-clearing remedy than an hour-plus run outside tuning out to my utterly ridiculous mix of pop tunes, rap and cheesy ballads (hello Adam Lambert!).

3) Now that I have my fancy, schmancy Garmin I figured I wouldn't be tied to the Trail or the track and I could run "freestyle" but still track the distance. I know - for someone who wanted to "just have fun" that last bit seems ironic but seriously y'all - I have some OCD issues and knowing distance is kind of critical to my sanity.

I started out on the Trail. Ran it one way and then promptly headed out into downtown Smalltown USA. I ran down to the Park. Then backtracked. Picked up the Trail for a bit. Then veered off again and ran through the South side of downtown and ultimately looped my way back to the top of the Trail.

I started out on my second lap. Ran the Trail again one way. Turned around but then veered off when I could and ran through the West side of town all the way to the high school and to the track that I used to feel so chained to. I looped through another neighborhood and once again made my way back to the Trail.

Can I tell y'all something? The whole being able to run wherever felt SO FLIPPING GOOD. And you know what else? Smalltown USA is HILLY. OMG I was huffing and puffing up some of those bad boys.

My original goal - other than to just have fun - was to run for at least an hour. At some point I switched the goal and decided to go for 10 miles. And you know what? I totally did. It took a lot longer than I thought. I mean seriously - if you look at my time for the 15K I ran the other week (which according to my Garmin I actually ran 9.44 miles that day) and you compare it to the 10 miles I ran on Sunday? Well let's just say that apparently on Sunday I was sloth-like. Then again? I wasn't trying to race. Not another runner. And not myself. My goal was a steady, slow pace to get through an incredible distance on my 2 little legs. That was all. And I did. And it felt really, really good to finally find my stride again because you know what? It's been a while.

HVAC 101

What would you like to know about HVAC because I can probably tell you. Several months ago that was not that case but when you move into a house that has no central heating and it drops below 40 degrees, you quickly learn. You know what else happens? You freeze your ass off and start sleeping in more layers than this dude.

So anyways, what would you like to know? Would you like to know about gas furnaces versus heat pumps? Would you like to know how many BTUs it takes to heat a 1200 s.f. home? Would you like to know that if you plan on adding central a/c you need more BTUs? Would you like to know how much it'll cost to rewire an entire panel? (A shitload) Would you like to know about returns and should you even care about the return panel size? (The answer is no for just heat but yes if you include a/c). Where to change the filter? Can I tell you about efficiency and the difference between an 80% efficient gas furnace versus a 95% efficient gas furnace other than the obvious which is one is more efficient than the other?

What can I tell you about permitting...or not permitting because there are folks who will do it both ways. (For the record - I went the permitted route.)

Can I tell you about t-stats? Or having your ducts wrapped? (BTW you only need them wrapped if you install a/c because that's where the condensation comes from and it can build up and cause leaks, flooding and other water related problems.)

Do you care if you need a double wall pipe? Are 15kw heat strips too much, too little, or just right?

Oh wait. We haven't even discussed the possibility of a gas pack.

Sigh. It's a lot for an economics major who really meant to be an English major but couldn't get her shit together and so she wound up majoring in the one subject where she had enough credits to actually graduate on time which in and of itself is kind of head-scratch-worthy only we won't go there because it's totally another saga post for another blog day.

But at the end of the day I waded through a bunch of crap, made the decision and pulled the trigger.

I wound up with a 95% efficiency, 90,000 BTU Goodman gas furnace. The way I saw it, I already had natural gas at the house, gas prices are supposed to be pretty reasonable this year, and oh yeah, the amount I would have spent on electrical work to install a heat pump could feed a family of 10 in Africa for a year. Or gone towards 2 pairs of Jimmy Choos. It all depends on your priorities.

So yeah. I bought a furnace and it feels pretty damn awesome.

Plus I am sure you are all pleased to know that I have finally stopped sleeping in flannel PJs with wool socks, a hat, an extra sweater and mittens (so sexy - right?) because my wee little house is finally snuggly, toasty, cozy warm.

Of course, for the record - I'll probably add a/c in the spring. All I need to do is drop in a coil, have my ducts wrapped and upsize my return panel.

PS This post is totally dedicated to all of my enginerd friends. I hope I done you ladies proud!

PPS I am assuming that because you are enginerds - totally HOT enginerds BTW - that this is even kind of in your bailiwick.

PPPS I have no idea what bailiwick even means but I just like how it sounds.

PPPS I totally took a picture of the "Antique-This-Hasn't-Worked-in-a-Century-Oil-Furnace" that they removed before putting in my "Oh-My-God-This-Is-What-Heat-Feels-Like-Furnace:"



Now if THAT ain't country, I'll kiss your...

My Week In Tweets: October 18 - October 24

Oh dear. Waffle House. Sigh. Smothered. Covered. Chunked. And Diced.
12:28 AM Oct 18th from UberTwitter

Today - laundry, cleaning the house and writing 18,000 blog posts. My life is soooooo glamorous....
11:54 AM Oct 18th from UberTwitter

Now laundry. Soooooo glamourous.....
12:26 PM Oct 18th from web

Cleaned the kitchen and mopped the floor. Cleaned the bathroom. Vacuumed. 4 loads of laundry. Made the bed. Just call me Cinderella.
3:06 PM Oct 18th from web

I feel like I dated autumn for about a week and then it broke up with me by Post-It. 32 degrees? WTF Jack Frost?
7:19 AM Oct 19th from UberTwitter

So my ObGyn is booked out UNTIL January. Seriously? WTF?!
10:53 AM Oct 19th from web

Another soul sucking conversation with Citi. I swear I am closing this account. SWEAR.
1:37 PM Oct 19th from web

Why working from home sucks? It's like I am Snacky McSnackerson. #cannotstopsnacking
4:27 PM Oct 19th from web

I am having soup for dinner only I have no crackers. Who the hell doesn't keep crackers in the house? Oh. Apparently me.
8:23 PM Oct 19th from web

However I do have plenty of red wine....
8:23 PM Oct 19th from web

Yahoo spellcheck on my Blackberry is suggesting "c0ck" for "xoxo." Seriously spellcheck? What kind of perv programmed you?
11:49 AM Oct 20th from UberTwitter

Driving on freshly paved highway is awesome. Smelling them pave it makes me want to yak tar.
3:19 PM Oct 20th from UberTwitter

I am thinking that pudding is not a great pre-work out snack. Yet I am craving chocolate....
4:24 PM Oct 21st from UberTwitter

Stripes on AMC. #classic
7:00 PM Oct 21st from UberTwitter

It's not even 8 and I am contemplating bed. I'd say I feel old except I am on my 2nd chocolate pudding of the day.
7:49 PM Oct 21st from web

Is it too early to smash my head on the desk? Is it???
10:05 AM Oct 22nd from web

Lunch: rice cakes and Coke Zero cherry. Likelihood I pass out during my 4pm training session at the gym? Pretty damn high.
1:13 PM Oct 22nd from web

Post-workout: icing my knee and watching old school Bev. Brandon is nearly a TV star, Donna has bad hair and Kelly is sporting denim.
5:37 PM Oct 22nd from UberTwitter

"Hey cheesemeister - stay away from my girl." ACK! Can't decide whether I absolutely love or whether to cringe at the wretched dialogue.
5:41 PM Oct 22nd from UberTwitter

Is it just me or is Jillian Michaels SCARY??
5:48 PM Oct 22nd from UberTwitter

I feel like I am living vicariously through @ModernMatriarch as she drinks her way around the world.
8:54 PM Oct 22nd from web

The only reason the Yankees being down is remotely tolerable is b/c Sumo has me in STICHES. We're talking batteries, duct work and wings.
10:08 PM Oct 22nd from UberTwitter

GO YANKEES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10:20 PM Oct 22nd from UberTwitter

Oddest bathrom ever: 2 toilets, NO dividers, and no toilet paper holders. Only in my town......
10:43 PM Oct 22nd from UberTwitter

Does anybody actually know the lyrics to 99 Luftbalons? In German or English????
11:36 PM Oct 22nd from UberTwitter

Skunk. Ugh.
1:12 AM Oct 23rd from web

My bangs and I are in a power struggle. Sadly - they are winning.
7:30 AM Oct 23rd from web

Cotton fields are in full bloom and look absolutely soft and fluffy and scrumptious. Times like these I wish I had a camera phone.
8:17 AM Oct 23rd from UberTwitter

My neighbor just stopped by with homemade brownies with black walnuts from her very own black walnut trees. YUM! #ilovesmalltownlife
1:37 PM Oct 23rd from web

Getting ready to call it a day, pour some wine, turn on old school Bev and give myself a pedi. #amsoglamourousitspainful
4:52 PM Oct 23rd from web

Brenda's getting a biopsy for breast cancer and Andrea and Steve are getting busy studying for the SATs. #luvoldschool90210
5:28 PM Oct 23rd from UberTwitter

Most. Depressing. Bev. Ever. Except for Steve and Andrea hooking up. That shit was just awesome.
5:42 PM Oct 23rd from UberTwitter

Who knew? Apparently Brussels sprouts are *sexy* and they are so my boyfriend these days...
7:51 PM Oct 23rd from web

Enjoying early morning analysis from my most favorite reverse stalker @Harmzie. Is that perverse?
9:49 AM Oct 24th from UberTwitter

Actually what's perverse is that I have never met @Harmzie in real life AND the entire analysis is being conducted via DM.
9:52 AM Oct 24th from UberTwitter

No sound coming from the new portable speaker I bought for my iPod. Troubleshooting tips include checking the volume. What am I - stupid?
1:00 PM Oct 24th ago from web

Possibility it's not connected right either. Of course - I am wondering if it has something to do with the fact that I have a 4yo iPod mini
1:00 PM Oct 24th ago from web

Parking lot carnivals scare me. More than usual.
2:36 PM Oct 24th ago from UberTwitter

Currently am overwhelmed by the smell of peanut butter.
4:42 PM Oct 24th ago from web

And thats my week in Tweets!

Burnout

Iron Man called me on Monday to get the scoop on my race results. For about 10 uninterrupted minutes, I told him all about Saturday's saga - although seeing as he is a coworker, I left out the whole "voices in my head" thing. Anyways, I barely paused for breath and when I finally, finally, finally came to the end of my 3-part miniseries (I don't know how to write a short blog post tell a short story), Iron Man spoke. "I can tell you what your problem is in one word," he said calmly, knowingly.

"What?!" I practically screamed all the while trying not to lunge through the phone and shake this critical wisdom from him.

"Burnout," he said matter-of-factly. "Country Girl - you are burnt out."

And I thought about it and then I felt like weeping because OMG he was so spot on right it wasn't even funny.

I am BURNT OUT and in more ways than one.

Take running. I committed to Kiawah back in JULY. That gave me nearly 5 whole months to train. Well - most half marathon training schedules are no more than 12 weeks and with 7 weeks and 1 day still to go, I am WAY AHEAD OF THE GAME. Of course, the irony is that I feel like I have totally abandoned training. Long runs are few and far between. Monday was the first time I had done speed drills since late August. And all this running on the treadmill has me feeling woefully unprepared for running outdoors. Not to mention my knee is acting up although if I re-committed to stretching daily that might help.

Only - I feel like I don't have time to stretch because oh yeah...guess who has a social life again? That's right. After several months of being a homebody, I have been tentatively dipping my big toe into the social whirlpool. Aw fuck it. Who are we kidding? I dove into the pool headfirst and then decided to cross the damn English Channel. Seriously - chalk this up to another "I don't do moderation" moments in my life.

The good news is that I am going out, I am having fun and I adore being with friends. The bad news is that I am on occasion tired, I feel like I am ignoring things that used to be central to my existence (this blog for one thing, other people's blogs for another - do you know what it's like to open up Google Reader and have 48 unread posts? It's suffocating and overwhelming), and I am not taking great care of my body i.e. I am eating crap. I have gained 7 pounds in the last few weeks and while it doesn't make me overweight, let's just say my superskinny wardrobe is starting to feel snug. Because I was superskinny - superskinny even for me. Then again - is it realistic to expect to maintain superskinny status forever? Maybe I should go with something more sustainable...only...like moderation, sustainability is something I struggle with. I tend to be an all or nothing, black or white, take it or leave it kind of girl. Hence the Burnout.

So yeah. I am burnt out on a lot of things right now and so I am trying to find some balance. It's not easy given my personality but I am trying.

I don't know what it is. It sure as hell ain't country and frankly this whole tagline thing is killing me so maybe this is the post where I give up on the clever taglines and just give you me in the raw. Because that's how I feel. Utterly raw.

I Am Not Afraid To Talk To Celebrities

So it's not like Richard Childress and I are TOTAL strangers. We spoke on the phone. Once. And I am very good friends with his business partner. And it was The Partner who suggested - nay who ENCOURAGED me to find Richard while I was at the race on Saturday.

Me: Seriously?

The Partner: Absolutely.

Me: He won't know me from Adam.

The Partner: He'll be delighted.

Me: Ok. (Because apparently I need my head examined or something.)

Anyways, The Partner told me that Richard was usually down in the garages pre-race and to just "hunt him down" and "find him." Frankly I was a wee bit skeptical but by the time we made it down to the garages I was feeling rather bold and so I asked someone working on Kevin Harvick's car if Richard was around. Mind you - I didn't ask like some crazed race fan and I made sure to drop The Partner's name at least 3 times and actually he was pretty nice about the whole thing and said that he hadn't seen Richard that day but it was hit or miss with him and that if I wanted to catch him I should just loiter between the Cheerios hauler and the Shell Penzoil hauler.

Well, I had better things to do than loiter so I decided it wasn't meant to be.

We returned to the garages a few hours later and once again feeling bold and empowered, I asked the first person I found wearing RCR gear if Richard was around as I was friends with The Partner and The Partner had instructed me to find Richard. I got the same answer: Haven't seen him. He's hit or miss. Hang out - you're bound to spot him.

Being the rebel that I am, I decided to wander. And so it was that we found ourselves back on Pit Road. And so it was that one of my race day companions noticed that Richard Childress was on some kind of stage about 100 feet away taking part in some kind of presentation. And suddenly - I WAS ON.

You know how they say that when you're in some kind of life threatening situation or imminent danger your entire body reacts and if forced to you could probably lift an 18 wheeler off of a kitten? So it is when you are faced with the opportunity to accost meet a racing legend and you have exactly 0.02 seconds to get his attention.

I watched people depart the stage one by one. I positioned myself near the ropes that cordoned off the legends from the crazy race fans. Not that I was a crazy race fan. Nope. Was not. I had been instructed to find Richard and introduce myself. In person. Cuz after all - we were kind of old phone chums. So I totally deserved to be where I was.

And then there he was. The man in black. Surrounded by his entourage. Heading off the stage and walking my way. And for the record - there were die hard fans. People who wanted an autograph and stuff. But I prevailed. I did. Because here's what happened:


(It's like we're old friends. I think he remembered our phone conversation.)











Can you HEAR me in these pictures darling readers? Can you HEAR ME NOT SHUT UP? So yeah - I basically blathered on INANELY AND INCESSANTLY for like 90 seconds and really I have no idea what I said other than that I dropped The Partner's name 1800 times and I blamed HIM for making me accost introduce myself to Richard so brazenly and then I may have said something about how fabulous the winery is and how much I love the wines and how much fun I have when I go there and all the while Richard is just rolling along, signing autographs, smiling, being delightfully good natured and eventually, posing for this photo with me:



So yeah. I am totally not afraid to talk to celebrities. Put me in a room with George Clooney any day. I can handle it.

And if that ain't just the most kick ass story ever, I'll kiss your...

PS A BIG thank you to The Kaiser for once in his life getting something right and for doing such a kick ass job of photo-documenting my lovefest with Richard. Smooches Sugar!

I Think I May Chuck It All and Become a Pit Bunny: Part 2

The Race - In Photos:

The Big Head Racing Bus.


That's a crapload of coolers. Full of a crapload of beer.


Grandstand seating on top of the BHR bus.


Bunks - for when too much beer creeps up on you. Or because you are camping in the infield for 3 days.


Prefer a hammock? Billy Ray does.


Billy Ray, The Kaiser and Sumo. These are my boys and BTW - they took EXCELLENT care of me!


Me and Sumo kick it off.


Yes that's ME. In front of the #48. The actual car which won the WHOLE race. OMG y'all!


#48's very shiny hauler.


This photo of Harvick's car is a shout out to my friends at Richard Childress Racing. Love Ya!


How could we not take a photo of Gordon's car?


Me standing in JIMMIE'S pit stall. Promptly fainted.


Was revived. And then died. Right there. And went to heaven. Sigh.


Who knew that taping tires to mark the point of reference could be so exciting? But y'all? It really was!


A close up of Jimmie's pit.


The view from the top of Pit Road.


Sumo and Billy Ray loiter near Reutimann's car.


We paused for some of the gorgeous Racing Rock Star's hospitality.


Back to the garages where I once again found myself RIGHT UP NEXT CLOSE TO the #48. The car which actually WON.


The Kaiser in a totally classic Kaiser pose.


My first ever attempt at Cornhole. Solo natch. Cuz I didn't want anyone to see me miss the hole. Like everytime.


The view from the top of the BHR bus at night.


Racing at night is simply lovely.


Me - looking cute but cold on top of the bus.


Me - managing not to fall over the side of the bus.


Y'all have no idea just how close to Turn 3 we actually were. We were THIS close. It rocked.


Final lap before they dropped the flag...


A close up of the winning car...


Billy Ray pokes his face into this photo of Me and The Kaiser. Y'all have no idea how cold I was.


And if that ain't country, I'll kiss your...

I Think I May Chuck It All and Become a Pit Bunny: Part 1

When people ask me how it is that I got into NASCAR, I tell them that it was a social experiment gone awry. Seriously - I was looking to shock people for blog fodder and the next thing you know I am popping my racing cherry at Bristol (which is akin to losing your virginity to a supermodel), desperately trying to figure out how the Hell to get my rouge little ass to another race before the end of the season, and planning an insane race schedule for 2010 which includes stops at Talladega, Richmond and who knows where else.

I wasn't supposed to be in Charlotte on Saturday. I was supposed to be at a benefit for our local Historical Association (a benefit which I came up with and for which I was largely in charge) but it got postponed and as soon as October 17th opened up on my calendar I called Lilsaej to try to talk her into a repeat of our Bristol antics. Unfortunately, she had a wedding to go to that day (who the Hell schedules a wedding on Race Day??) and for a brief moment I felt the glimmer of hope at the prospect of another race start to flicker out and then I realized that Lilsaej was not my only race loving friend (although she is my FAVORITE race loving friend) and so one night while out with The Kaiser and Sumo (clearly 2 of my more favorite companions these days) I suggested that we all go to the Race and it took them less than 1 second to say Yes. They also told me to factor in our friend Billy Ray Valentine as he had expressed an interest too. No problem.

So I'd like to pause and thank my dear friend The Racing Rock Star who works for NASCAR and got us SELs aka Single Event Licenses which gave us access to the garages, Pit Road and the infield. I'd also like to thank The Kaiser's friends at Big Head Racing whose converted school bus parked in the infield right at Turn 3 served as our racing headquarters.

We left Smalltown USA at around 12:45 on Saturday. Since we did have the SELs I wanted to get to the track as early as possible to take advantage of our good fortune. Also - I have a thing with traffic. You know what else I have a thing with? AVOIDING traffic on Race Day. Seriously. It wasn't quite as smooth as Bristol but The Kaiser drove and we took a back way into the track and wound up right on the very street we needed to be on in order to pick up our credentials from the NASCAR trailer. And with the exception of 1 or 2 instances of cops holding traffic in 1 direction to let it flow in another, we basically cruised right into Lowe's Motor Speedway. We got our credentials and then wound up in free(!) parking on the back side of the track (which is where we wanted to be) and then we headed to the infield. And since The Kaiser had already dropped off our cooler full of beer (and other things) the day before, we did not have to pack mule a thing.

Photos come tomorrow but all I can say is this: there really is no better way to watch a race than from a converted school bus. And while you might be scratching your head going how awesome can a converted school bus be, the answer is: AWESOME. So we stopped off at the BHR bus, grabbed a beer and then headed straight for the garages and Pit Road. And OMG y'all - it is fucking cool as shit to be out there while they are working on the actual cars. And then to stroll down Pit Road? To stand in the #48's pit stall? I died. I died right there on the spot and went to heaven.

And after our fill of AWESOMENESS we stopped by The Racing Rock Star's hospitality tent for even more AWESOMENESS (and food and drinks) and I have to say - the fellas were impressed with what Country Girl delivered and to tell you the truth - so was I. Although - really, I didn't do much. It was all about The Racing Rock Star and she gets a HUGE GIANT GINORMOUS thank you!

I swear by the time we got back to the BHR bus I felt like it had been hours and I guess technically it had been hours but there were still hours to go until the race and so yeah...sometimes when you start at 2pm, 7:40pm can seem like an eternity. And there's really nothing to do but drink and eat and hang out and watch football because Oh Yeah - just because you're hanging out at a converted school bus in the infield parked right at Turn 3, doesn't mean you don't have TV. These cats are civilized! Seriously.

And the race finally started and I managed to make it up and down the ladder to the top of the bus (where the seats were) without breaking my neck and Holy Hell y'all it was flipping cold. At one point I was wearing a tee shirt, a flannel shirt, a wool sweater, a fleece, a second fleece, a hat, a scarf, gloves AND I was wrapped in a fleece blanket AND I was huddling up against whoever was closest and I still froze my tootsies off. But it was a glorious night and the view from the top of the bus was magnificent and what was even more magnificent was that MY DRIVER WON (Go #48) which was so much better than Bristol because really...who likes Kyle Busch? No one.

And we left with about 25 laps to go in order to avoid traffic and avoid traffic we did...or if we hit any I have no clue since I promptly fell asleep as soon as we got in the car. But I woke up in time to suggest a post-race breakfast at Waffle House (I am beginning to be a regular there and this thought scares me) and then we were all revived and refreshed and so we hit Zippers for an hour because nothing says I am a rougeneck like watching the Race from a converted school bus in the infield followed by Waffle House followed by a nightcap at a biker bar.

And seriously y'all? I might just chuck it all and become a pit bunny.

And if that ain't country, I'll kiss your...

What Was I Thinking?

I ran in a 15K on Saturday and the only thing I could think the entire 1 hour, 18 minutes and 46 seconds that I was running was: "OMG Country Girl. You are OFFICIALLY INSANE. What were you thinking signing up for a HALF MARATHON and Holy Hell Girl - isn't 9.3 miles enough? You really want to run 3.8 MORE MILES AFTER?" Seriously y'all? It was kind of disheartening.

First of all - there is nothing like leaving your house before the crack of dawn, when it's dark, cold, rainy and generally depressing. That does not do much to inspire. Then there's the whole: "Seriously? There's traffic at THIS hour?" thing which just had me scratching my head because who the Hell is driving ANYWHERE before 7am on a Saturday except those of us already diagnosed as clinically insane?

You know what else sucks? Getting to the GINORMOUS shopping center where the race was starting from and NOT BEING ABLE TO FIND PARKING. OMG - who knew that it could be such a challenge and take 10+ minutes?

Then there's the whole "pre-race pee" because even though I rarely drink or eat anything before I run, I always get nervous and so I do what my Fairy Godmother calls the prophy pee. So after I finally parked I hotfooted it over to Harris Teeter only...the entire field of women racers was on line to pee and I still had to pick up my time chip. I don't like feeling stressed or crunched for time and I totally did which I hated but I managed to pee and then hotfoot it over to registration (and seriously knee and ankle - must you start aching during this minor little jog?) and get my time chip and then head to the starting line because I like to be towards the front.

Yeah. Banner morning.

Ok - so here's the exciting thing. For my birthday, my awesome brother, my fantastic sister-in-law, and my deliciously adorable nephew got me a Garmin Forerunner which is a very fancy schmancy GPS watch which basically does everything except run the race for me. It arrived on Tuesday and I gave myself a crash course in how to use it on Friday night at around 8pm. I didn't really care about all of the fancy bells and whistles - I mean I do care and I will eventually care or something to that effect - but I was most interested in being able to monitor my pace. This is why training on a treadmill is bad sometimes - your pace is perfectly controlled. But when you run in the real world? Well - not so much. And I noticed that during the race. My pace was all over the place. Sometimes I was running in the low 7s and sometimes I was in the mid 9s.

I had told myself that my Happiness Goal was to run the race at an 8:30 pace and that my Mountaintop Goal was to run it at an 8:15 pace. As it turns out, I ran it at an 8:20 pace which put me square in the middle and which I am happy with but during the race I was frustrated that I was so erratic.

And here's the thing - I am competitive. ULTRA COMPETITIVE. And it took every ounce of self restraint I had NOT to blow it out of the water early on and to keep myself at an ~ 8:30 pace for at least the first 4 miles because Holy Hell y'all - 9.3 miles is ALOT of miles. And meanwhile - I got caught in a pack of runners and these 2 women in matching Christian Audigier t-shirts kept passing me and then I kept passing them and then I'd slow down and get caught up in the pack and then I'd get annoyed so I'd speed up. And I couldn't tell if these were really better runners than me or if I was as good as them if not better. And the only thing I could judge on was the quality of their calf muscles and their accessories. Then again, a camelback doesn't make you a good runner. It just makes you a hydrated one.

(And a brief moment to digress here to say that for the record I think running skirts are STUPID. You're running ladies - ok? I mean puh-leeze.)

Anyways - I finally broke free from the pack and kind of sort of found my rhythm. I don't know. Maybe not. At one point it started to rain and I panicked about having some kind of electronic meltdown. I figured between the Garmin, my car key tied to my shoe and my iPod something was going to short out. And then when I hit mile 3 I basically wanted to smack myself on the head because OMG - why didn't I just run a 5K? I had a similar moment of zen at the 6-mile mark.

To make it worse, my right calf and my right hamstring were crampy and I've never experienced cramps while running before and I knew it was because I did a poor job of stretching but what are you supposed to do? Run through the pain? Stop? Stretch? NO ONE PREPARED ME FOR THIS PEOPLE.

Oh. And it was COLD. I mean - I couldn't feel my hands until somewhere after the 3rd mile.

And finally I sort of relaxed. I mean it was a pretty course through a tony subdivision by the Lake and we ran through a park and by the water and I was sort of back and forth in my head the whole time about 1) how insane I was and 2) how I could not possibly really think I was actually going to run a half marathon and 3) why couldn't I just enjoy the run instead of being so ultra competitive and 4) I need to get off the treadmill and start training on the road in order to better manage my pace and ultimately my expectations. Yeah - it's not always easy being me.

But then do you know what happened? At mile 7 I totally snapped out of it. Seriously. I realized I was 7 miles in with 2.3 left and Oh Yeah I can run 2.3 miles in my sleep. And I picked up my pace. And I started to pass people. And I felt a rush. I felt exhilarated. And the cramps disappeared. And I could feel the blood circulating in my hands. And the voices in my head finally shut the fuck up and I focused on pushing myself towards the finish.

And suddenly we were turning left at the fire station and heading back to the shopping center. And people were cheering us on. And then "Please Don't Stop the Music" by Rhianna came on my iPod and OMG that song makes me want to shake a tailfeather and I basically hauled ass the last 3 tenths of a mile even passing this one dude who'd been in front of me the entire time. Seriously - I put on a burst of speed and sprinted right by him to cross the finish line at 1:18:46. And then I went and got a beer because that's right - THEY HAVE BEER at these things which makes total sense to me. I think.

And while I was thrilled that I actually finished (especially in light of my shitty attitude during the race), I confess - I was also disappointed. I've been successfully able to conquer my recent Mountaintop Goals and to fall short was a bummer. And I was kind of mad at myself for being down on myself the entire race too. I wasn't my usual "I'm a Badass" self and that bummed me out.

I wish I could say that this post has a happy ending. That I bitchslapped the negative voices in my head and drop kicked them into the Lake. But I didn't. And even today there's a small part of me that's seriously, seriously questioning my decision to run Kiawah in December. I know what they say: if you can run 9.3 miles you can run 13.1. The bigger issue for me is: can I run them the way I want to and what is realistic to expect as far as the outcome and results and should I even care about those things or should I just be content if I finish? Sigh. As I said - it's not always easy being me.

And if I'm not a totally complicated pain in the ass...well - I am. So there.

My Week In Tweets: October 11 - October 17

Waking up in the middle of the night with a headache akin to someone splitting my head in 2 with a meat cleaver is just fucking lovely.
4:16 AM Oct 11th from UberTwitter

Head"ache" is an understatement. Head"Holy-Hell-I-am-in-Excruciating-Pain-Will-You-Please-Stop-Boring-a-Hole-in-My-Skull" is more accurate.
4:36 AM Oct 11th from web

So 2 Advil, 1 Allegra and a few more hours of sleep have turned the pain from blinding to tolerable. Oh sinuses - WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU?
6:54 AM Oct 11th from web

Loves me a man in some Lederhosen.
4:21 PM Oct 11th from UberTwitter

Lederhosen are even sexier when there's an accordion involved. And beer. Lots and lots of beer.
4:28 PM Oct 11th from UberTwitter

Dearest @lilsaej: as per your request, I will make sure they play "In Heaven There Is No Beer" at your funeral. Xo Rougie
4:39 PM Oct 11th from UberTwitter

Meanwhile I am totally fascinated by Too Fat Polka..."If she'd lose some, I would like her more some..." Oh dear.
4:40 PM Oct 11th from UberTwitter

File my previous Tweet under Politically Incorrect Polkas.
4:41 PM Oct 11th from UberTwitter

Go #48!!!
5:25 PM Oct 11th from UberTwitter

C'Mon Jimmie!!!!
6:56 PM Oct 11th from UberTwitter

Way to go #48! And the new Chase leader! Woo -hoo!
7:27 PM Oct 11th from UberTwitter

Apparently I have a serious thing for potatoes. I had no idea.
7:42 PM Oct 11th from UberTwitter

I still have a headache. Xteen hours later. Sigh.
9:08 PM Oct 11th from web

Love being admonished by a colleague for taking initiative. WTF???
5:22 PM Oct 12th from web

Dear Facebook Photo Uploader: Stop being such a bitch! xo Rougie
5:39 PM Oct 12th from web

Oh pilot episode of 90210 - how I love thee. Let me count the ways: Brandon's hair, Maxwell Caulfield, Brenda pretending to be in college...
6:53 PM Oct 12th from web

It's dark, foggy and damp. It's the trifecta of sucky driving conditions.
6:56 AM Oct 13th from UberTwitter

So it turns out I am NOT combustionally challenged. I had a pressure problem. And a leak.
2:26 PM Oct 13th from web

Problems have been fixed which means Rougie is no longer freezing her ass off....
2:26 PM Oct 13th from web

Ok. You're going to have to pry these candy corns from my cold, dead fingers....
7:44 PM Oct 13th from UberTwitter

Who knew there were so many similarities between ironing and doing your hair.....
8:50 PM Oct 13th from UberTwitter

Joy. Wearing my first pair of black tights of the season and I've already snagged them. Crap.
7:55 PM Oct 14th from UberTwitter

So yeah. Men Who Stare At Goats. Ok. You mean HOT Men Who Stare At Goats. Hot despite the epic facial hair.
8:24 PM Oct 14th from UberTwitter

It's October. It's in the 40s. Damnit - I am wearing a coat. Besides - I have an awesome new coat to wear.
9:22 AM Oct 15th from web

of course - i am totally going bare-legged....
9:24 AM Oct 15th from web

Had the most insane grilled pimento cheese sandwich for lunch. So much butter I can still smell it on my fingers. OMFG so damn good.
1:20 PM Oct 15th from UberTwitter

Just replaced my running shoes. Sadly color choices were nonexistent and my new shoes are a sad mix of gray and mopey mauve :(
2:03 PM Oct 15th from UberTwitter

Why on earth would ONE car have SIX antennas? Seriously - SIX!!!!!!
4:01 PM Oct 15th from UberTwitter

I feel oddly out of touch since I don't know what's going on other than that a child is missing and there's a balloon involved.
4:35 PM Oct 15th from UberTwitter

And yet thanks to Twitter I know *that much*
4:35 PM Oct 15th from UberTwitter

Calls from telemarketers after 8pm are just wrong. And depressing. I'm like: call for me only to discover it's someone hawking an alarm.
8:24 PM Oct 15th from UberTwitter

I had no idea that it was possible to make ranch dressing that had NO taste.
10:07 PM Oct 15th from UberTwitter

I am so used to automatic everything that when paper towels don't dispense when I wave my hands I get *confused*
10:42 PM Oct 15th from UberTwitter

Am out with Sumo and the Kaiser. I just set myself up for this shit. #noonetoblamebutme
10:55 PM Oct 15th from UberTwitter

Birthday boy is back in action! <3 Sumo. Want to castrate The Kaiser. Sigh. My life.
11:03 PM Oct 15th from UberTwitter

Sumo likened me to a piece of lean strip steak. I heart that fucker.
11:12 PM Oct 15th from UberTwitter

Amazing how men can't remember shit but OMFG they know who played 3rd base for the Indians in 1953. And 1964.
11:28 PM Oct 15th from UberTwitter

I think the amount of butter I put on my English muffin officially qualifies as OBSCENE.
8:09 AM Oct 16th from web

Sometimes being overly anal and OCD has its downside.
9:12 AM Oct 16th from web

I *need* to shave my legs but oh yeah it's flipping freezing out & my bare-legged days are probably over so maybe I don't need to after all.
11:06 AM Oct 16th from web

File that last Tweet under #joysofwinter
11:06 AM Oct 16th from web

Ok. I just tried to use my car key to automatically lock my house. I think I officially need help. #automationfail
11:47 AM Oct 16th from UberTwitter

Ran 15K in approx 1hr, 18mins.....best part? Post race beer. Whoever invented that was totally genius.
9:39 AM Oct 17th from UberTwitter

My Garmin says I burned 936 calories. That's a good thing seeing as I plan to drink that much Mich Ultra at the OTHER race today....
10:02 AM Oct 17th from UberTwitter

FINALLY heading to the racetrack with Sumo, The Kaiser and Billy Ray Valentine.
12:43 PM Oct 17th from UberTwitter

So yes - meet Billy Ray - a heretofore relatively unknown charcter in the TV series known as my life.
12:45 PM Oct 17th from UberTwitter

At the track. Have credentials and are parked. Heading to Pit Road......
2:06 PM Oct 17th from UberTwitter

The only thing missing is beer and The Kaiser assures me its a matter of minutes.........
2:11 PM Oct 17th from UberTwitter

I'm wandering around Pit Road trying to find Richard Childress. File under #fuckingsurreal
2:58 PM Oct 17th from UberTwitter

Ok - lied. Now I am on Pit Road. Before I was by the garages. Either way - it's fucking awesome!
3:04 PM Oct 17th from UberTwitter

Standing in Jimmie's pit stall at LMS. OMFG! OMFG! OMFG!
3:09 PM Oct 17th from UberTwitter

My Tweeting is about to stop. Mainly b/c it's flipping freezing and I can't type in gloves.
4:09 PM Oct 17th from UberTwitter

Cornholing. Solo. Nuff said.
6:38 PM Oct 17th from UberTwitter

And if that ain't country, I'll kiss your...

The Germans Got SOMETHING Right

So the Germans got SOMETHING right and by something I mean Oktoberfest because what is better than a holiday that celebrates beer and pork products? Um...NOTHING.

And for the record - I've been to the real Oktoberfest. When I was in college and spent a semester abroad in Italy a bunch of us hopped on a train one random Friday in October and made the 9-hour trip to Munich and we detrained and the first thing I did was drink a beer and then I grabbed my boyfriend and wandered around Munich until I actually found a hotel room because everyone else was all: "I'm gonna stay up all night drinking" or "I'm gonna crash at a hostel" and I was all: "I'm gonna find a hotel room if it KILLS me" and I did to the tune of $400+/night and I totally pulled out the Amex mom and dad had given me "in case of emergency" because Holy Hell y'all - I think that being stranded in Munich sans bed totally qualified as an emergency - don't you?

And for the record - on another one of our little trips my boyfriend tried to cheat the system and mooch an extra day off his Eurorail pass and we totally got kicked off the train going from Barcelona to Dijon and FYI I TOTALLY SPENT THE NIGHT SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR OF A TRAIN STATION SOMEWHERE IN FRANCE which I guess was better than getting thrown in jail although really - are Eurorail crimes prison-worthy? So yeah - I threw that in there to clear up the whole *princess* myth. Although really - is it a myth? I mean - I may be a Country Girl but I am also on occasion a princess and I think it's this delightful dichotomy that makes me so damn loveable. Do you agree darling readers?

What's my point? Oktoberfest is AWESOME and on Sunday Lilsaej, Bobo, Sumo and the Kaiser and I all headed up to Hickory to indulge in pork products and beer.

One beer in.


I am beginning to believe that there is some connection between beer and lederhosen i.e. you must consume an assload of beer in order to actually want to wear lederhosen or you must consume an assload of beer to find lederhosen sexy. Either or.


Lilsaej is sad because her beer is empty. I'd be sad too.


This is a brilliant photo technique that Bobo discovered: cut off at the chin and therefore you AVOID the double chin thing altogether. Brilliant Bobo - just brilliant.


The Kaiser in his natural state. I know - it's scary.


Awww....the happy couple.


I heart Sumo in the biggest way. And oh yeah BTW....Happy Birthday Sugar!


So clearly this was more than 1 beer in....


And this was also the point where I forgot I had my camera and you are so glad because pork products and beer on a Sunday can lead to some wild and crazy shit so...um...yeah....thanks German peeps for creating a total awesome holiday!

Und wenn dieses ain' t-Land, I' Ihr ll Kuss…

Combustionally Challenged

My life has a new theme song these days: We Didn't Start The Fire. Because OMFG if it's got an ignitor and I own it then it probably doesn't fucking light unless 1) there is some kind of dire emergency and even then there's no guarantee or 2) there are people over watching me in which case OF COURSE IT LIGHTS and OF COURSE IT WORKS because then no one realizes the combustionally-challenged Hell I seem to be living in. Sigh.

It all started with the grill. Specifically my old grill which exploded into a giant fireball on my right arm and which subsequently needed to be shot. Which I did. And then I went out and bought a new grill. Because I like grilling and you can do way more on a grill than you can on a circa 1962 stove with an attitude problem. So I went to Lowe's and bought a basic $99 Char-Broil and had Sumo and The Kaiser come put it together for me (because yeah - I don't do propane) and while they were still here we tested it like 5 times to make sure the ignitor button actually worked and then a few days later I went to turn on my new I KNOW IT WORKS FOR SURE grill and: NOTHING. Oh - the ignitor made a popping sound like it should have worked. But there was no spark. Nothing caught. No flame. I tried for 15 minutes to get that sucker to light to no avail. So yeah. Shoot. Me. Now.

The second time I tried to light the grill it worked but then the 3rd time it didn't at which point I felt like I had basically blown $99 because Holy Hell y'all - I don't like it when my appliances humiliate me. Fuck you cheap Char-Broil with the clearly faulty ignitor. Fuck you.

Of course, I bitched about this incessantly to The Kaiser and Sumo and when they came over for their thank you dinner, they didn't even come into the house. They simply went out back where THEY LIT MY GRILL. BASTARDS. Of course I made them turn it off and then Sumo stood over me while I tried to light it and of course it didn't light so I felt slightly better but OMG y'all - why am I having these problems?

Oh wait. It gets better.

I have no heat in my house. We won't discuss it and all you need to know is that I am ALL OVER THAT SHIT but getting estimates for a furnace replacement takes time and meanwhile it's been a wee bit chilly so I did what any clever girl would do: I ordered ventless gas logs to put in my fireplace as all agreed that they would do a sufficient job of heating my house until the whole furnace thing could be worked out. So they arrived last week and of course I had The Kaiser and Sumo come over and help set them up because not only do I not do propane, but I don't do natural gas. And one day I'll have to video these 2 at work because it's highly entertaining (no we did not make 4 trips to Lowe's because that would have just been silly) but all you really need to know is that we finally, finally, finally got the logs hooked up and we even started them to make sure THEY WORKED AND ALL and I was feeling all sorts of good about my fake fireplace logs until...

The next day it was cold and I went to light them and OMFG they wouldn't light. And it took me 20 minutes and numerous tries and finally, finally, finally they lit but Holy Hell y'all I was literally in tears and I was all: FIRE GODS OF THE UNIVERSE - WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO? And everyone seemed to think it was simply an issue of the logs being new and something about the gas pressure every time I opened and shut the valve and I just sighed and contemplated investing in flannel sheets and some fuzzy socks because really, I can't take it any more.

The good news was when The Kaiser came back on Friday to wrap up a few finishing touches, it took him 400 tries and 20 minutes to get those fuckers lit and he kind of smiled and suggested that I be patient and I smiled back and said OMFG JUST SHOOT ME NOW BECAUSE I AM ONE TORTURED SOUL AND CLEARLY ANYTHING THAT IGNITES HATES ME AND I MIGHT AS WELL JUST GIVE UP RIGHT NOW AND MOVE TO THE DESERT OR LEARN TO RUB 2 STICKS TOGETHER OR SOMETHING BECAUSE THIS SHIT IS RIDICULOUS sure because I didn't want to seem ungrateful or anything.

So yeah. I am combustionally challenged. Clearly.

And if that ain't just damn pitiful, I'll kiss your...

Welcome to North Carolina Where 17.5 Million People Come to Shop

I love to shop as much as the next girl. In fact, I probably love to shop MORE than the next girl. But when I found out that Concord Mills was the #1 tourist attraction not only in the Charlotte region BUT IN THE ENTIRE STATE of North Carolina I wanted to head up to Concord and personally yell at the 17.5 million people who visit there annually. SERIOUSLY PEOPLE?

You'd rather shop at a giant mall than:

* Visit Biltmore Estate?
* See Chimney Rock State Park?
* Hike Grandfather Mountain?
* Check out the Billy Graham Library?
* Attend a race at Lowe's Motor Speedway?
* Smell the orchids at Daniel Stowe Botanical Gardens?
* See the lighthouse at Historic Ocracoke?
* Explore the Land of the Waterfalls?
* Wander through the Mint Museum?
* Take a walk down memory lane at the Old Salem Museum and Gardens?
* Scale the highest peaks of the Sauratown Mountains at Hanging Rock State Park?
* Play with the animals at the Lazy 5 Ranch in Mooresville?
* Drive through Christmas Town USA?
* Go rafting at the U.S. National Whitewater Center?
* Watch the Panthers lose at Bank of America Stadium?
* Play 18 holes at Grove Park Inn?
* Take a tour of historic Downtown Laurinburg?
* Visit the 1767 Chowan County Courthouse?
* Walk the Dismal Swamp Trail?
* Discover something new at Discovery Place?

I am stymied. Seriously. Especially because my one encounter with Concord Mills left me scrounging through the bottom of my purse for a spare Xanax and wishing that drive through daquiri stands were still a reality.

So here's the story. Back in May one of our local Rotary Groups hosted an exchange team from Chile and I wound up volunteering to accompany the group to Lowe's Motor Speedway for a tour. Which I did. And I blogged about it. At least - the tour part. What I failed to write about was the fact that after the tour I had to drive over to Concord Mills to meet up with the rest of the group who had opted to go shopping. OMG. Shoot. Me. Now.

Did you know that there are like a dozen entrances to Concord Mills? And I sort of turned into the first one I could find but then I had to find "Door 8" (or something) and I was at "Door 3" (or something) and I had no idea whether to go right or left and so I opted for one direction which turned out the be THE ENTIRELY WRONG DIRECTION and so then I turned around and basically drove around the ENTIRE PERIMETER of this ginormous mall and I couldn't fucking find Door 8 only Door 7 and then I was in some kind of loading dock area and Holy Hell y'all I had a handful of Chileans in the car with me and I was in the throes of a FULL ON ANXIETY ATTACK and so yeah...that's another reason why I hate Concord Mills.

And in case you actually care, I did finally manage to find the right door and we met up with the rest of the group. And then the cherry on the sundae known as The Day On Which Concord Mills Killed My Spirit was driving back on I-85 in rush hour at which point I seriously contemplated pulling my car over to the side of the road, getting out, and hurling myself into oncoming traffic only oncoming traffic WASN'T FUCKING MOVING and so it probably wouldn't have done any good anyways.

The upside to that day was that I got introduced to Baby Guinness.

And if Irish Whiskey for Jews doesn't totally save the day, I'll kiss your...

My Week In Tweets: October 4 - October 10

Citibank. Sigh.
2:24 PM Oct 4th from web

Margaritas, the Race and now football with Sumo. It's a happy kind of Sunday.
5:30 PM Oct 4th from UberTwitter

Why am I up this early and why am I headed to the gym?? File under #insane or #priceyoupayforavoidingthegymlastweek #margaritasyesterday
4:57 AM Oct 5th from web

No - I did not just lock myself out of the house. Because that would be foolish....
12:18 PM Oct 5th from web

And of course I was not wearing pajamas, a ratty sweater and a scarf. Cuz that would have been wrong...
12:22 PM Oct 5th from web

I won't even discuss my hair...
12:23 PM Oct 5th from web

I hate being kept waiting........hate.......
7:30 PM Oct 5th from UberTwitter

Do 100 calorie snack packs lose their value if you eat more than 1?
4:02 PM Oct 6th from UberTwitter

At a table full of men who ordered baked salmon. I opted for ribeye. Medium rare. #rolereversal
8:52 PM Oct 6th from UberTwitter

So yeah - this whole still dark thing at 7am blows big time.
6:50 AM Oct 7th from UberTwitter

I am drinking orange juice. I *never* drink OJ but I have a sore throat and I absolutely refuse to get sick.
6:57 AM Oct 7th from UberTwitter

I am not so sure how much Diet Pepsi helps with the "may be sick" thing but it certainly does wonders for the whole "crap I'm tired" thing.
7:03 AM Oct 7th from UberTwitter

I smell like a tropical drink courtesy of the coconut lime body lotion in my hotel room.
7:45 AM Oct 7th from UberTwitter

You have to love a conference where the speakers reference sxeual fetishes, enemas, and the retardation of a certain governor....
10:08 AM Oct 7th from UberTwitter

Not simultaneously of course.
10:09 AM Oct 7th from UberTwitter

Also - love anyone who shows clips from a Cary Grant movie......
10:10 AM Oct 7th from UberTwitter

Did I miss something? Is it National Be a Shitty Driver Day?
3:01 PM Oct 7th from UberTwitter

Yes. It IS National Be A Shitty Driver Day. Damn - wish I would have known.....
3:06 PM Oct 7th from UberTwitter

Spotted in the audience at the Yankee game: Kate Hudson. Me: What is she doing there? Sumo: That's who A-Rod is banging.
8:05 PM Oct 7th from web

Me: Something is wrong when you know more about celebrity gossip than I do. Sumo: Nah - I just know a little bit about sports. Me: Sigh.
8:06 PM Oct 7th from web

Oh dear. Waiting for Sumo and The Kaiser to finish hooking up my ventless gas logs. Am starving and wine as dinner is not sufficing.
8:43 PM Oct 7th from web

Yahoo headline: "Pirates Attack Wrong Ship." Um - I didn't realize that pirates had *standards*
11:04 AM Oct 8th from UberTwitter

Here's my promise to @linkone1: revamp my lexicon and replace the word girl with the word woman.
7:37 PM Oct 9th from UberTwitter

Wondering what it's like to be hit on by a lesbian.
8:28 PM Oct 9th from UberTwitter

I didn't even know that Jennifer Lopez was still alive. I am supposed to give a crap that she has an alter ego too?
2:19 PM Oct 10th from web

Why doesn't Blogger spellcheck recognize Xanax?
4:29 PM Oct 10th from web

Saturday night at the grocery store can be interesting. Guy before me bought a 10-lb bag of ice and a giant box of Fruit Loops.
6:40 PM Oct 10th from UberTwitter

Also - is anyone else tempted to buy 5 lbs of candy corns and consume them in a single sitting???
6:41 PM Oct 10th from UberTwitter

I want a glittery ceiling.
7:24 PM Oct 10th from UberTwitter

I am going to emerge on the other side of today that much stronger.
11:03 PM Oct 10th from web

And if that ain't delightfully random, I'll kiss your...

A Lame List Cuz I Have Nothing Else to Blog About

It's officially Fall. I mean - it was officially Fall a few weeks ago but somehow it never quite feels like Fall until October and so 9 days into October I can comfortably say that it's officially Fall. And since there is absolutely NOTHING OF INTEREST GOING ON IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW (I know - y'all are shocked!) I figured I'd wax prophetic on all of the things I love about this season.

* Leaves changing colors
* Hot tea in the morning with loads of Splenda and half & half
* Sweaters and boots
* Pumpkins
* The abundance of candy
* Cool mornings and warm afternoons
* Jeans
* The Chase
* Red wine. These days I am on a Malbec kick.
* Fleece
* Flannel
* Fire in my fireplace
* The return of soup to my diet
* Black tights
* Things that stick to your ribs
* MLB Play-offs
* Oktoberfest
* Corduroy
* Choosing a Halloween costume
* Back to School specials
* Dark lipstick
* Cashmere
* My new perky, purple coat. It is literally the happiest coat you have ever seen.
* The Great Pumpkin on ABC
* The prospect of stuffing
* All things apple

What do you love about Fall?

A Case of Mistaken Identity

Apparently I have a doppelganger. She dresses a little more shabbily than I normally do. And her hair is typically way out-of-control frizzy. And frankly - she could stand to put on a wee bit of make-up. But aside from those minor differences - she definitely resembles me. Kinda. Sorta. At least physically she does. But mentally? Not so much. Because I am a total anal-retentive, responsible OCD freak and my doppelganger - well, she locks herself out of the house like some sort of flaky teenager and that's just so. Not. My. Style.

So that was NOT ME you saw standing in my driveway yesterday at just a few minutes past noon, rain-soaked and cold, bedraggled and bewildered, clutching a damp pile of mail and scanning oncoming traffic for the locksmith. That was SO NOT ME. That was HER. My pajama-clad, frizzed out doppelganger.

Because I do not lock myself out of my house. I DO NOT. And I certainly don't do it while dressed in purple cropped PJ pants festooned with skulls, a totally ratty an oversized charcoal gray cardigan and a black scarf knotted around my throat because I am perpetually cold because I have no heat in my house. Oh yeah - blame Miss Thang for that too. Responsible folks like me deal with their lack of heating BEFORE the first 50-degree day. They do. I do. But my doppelganger? She clearly needs a little Jack Frost nipping at her something to kick her shabby ass into gear. Sigh.

And you can rest assured that I would never leave the house looking like I just stuck my finger in a socket. Because I wouldn't. Because I am way too classy. Because my mama done raised me the right way. But my evil twin? Well - she was raised by heathens and let's just say when she's having a bad hair day, she's not afraid to show it. To anyone. And in this case, the steady stream of busy lunchtime traffic shuttling past my house.

So yeah - clearly there was a giant case of mistaken identity yesterday. And to all of you who thought you saw ME in a moment of utter WTF? weakness shock and horror at my own mental clumsiness, rest assured - it wasn't ME. It was HER.

Now excuse me. I need to take my daily dose of lithium.

Deep Fried Fair

I love county fairs. LOVE 'em. Which might surprise you seeing as at one time in my life I was a City Girl but actually I grew up going to the Dutchess County Fair every summer and to this day the right combination of pork products, fry oil, livestock and stuffed animals makes me kind of weak in the knees.

Saturday a group of us went to the Cleveland County Fair. I went a few years ago and I was especially excited to go back because OMG I have been DYING to go to a tractor pull and it was at the Cleveland County Fair 2 years ago that I attended my first (and heretofore only) tractor pull and because I have insane OCD am me, I actually looked up the Fair schedule a few days before and WHAT THE HELL Y'ALL: No flipping tractor pull. Seriously. I. Was. Devastated. And while I was pleased to see that there was a motorcycle demolition derby scheduled for Saturday night, it did not quite ease the pain of no tractor pull. I know. I need help. Clearly.

So Saturday was an awesome day weather wise and we got to the fair mid afternoon and got decent parking (on concrete - me and my new (used) car thank you very much) and OMG Y'ALL - big sign posted upon entering: DEMO DERBY CANCELLED. WTF Fair Peeps?! SERIOUSLY? Are you trying to kill me? I was miffed for about 2 seconds and then we entered the fair and it was like walking into a giant vat of fry oil and I immediately forgot my vehicular entertainment woes. Seriously - if you want something fried, go to a county fair - or perhaps specifically The Cleveland County Fair although really I think the "anything and everything fried" syndrome exists at county fairs nationwide. And if it's not fried, it's smothered in cheese or chocolate. And sometimes it's both - fried and smothered that is, not smothered in cheese and chocolate. Here's what I remember foodwise:

* Italian Sausage
* Polish Sausage
* BBQ
* Frito Pie
* Vinegar Fries
* Curly Fries (chili and cheese optional)
* Ribbon Fries
* Cheeseburgers
* Cheesesteak
* Ribs
* Corn Dogs
* Hot Dogs
* Chicken Nuggets
* Chicken Tenders
* Chicken Pitas
* Country Ham Biscuits
* Pickle Chips
* Roasted Corn
* Apple Dumplings
* Fried Dough
* Candy Apples
* Caramel Apples
* Soft Serve Ice Cream
* Old Fashioned Ice Cream
* Cotton Candy
* Fried Pies
* Doughnuts
* Fried Oreos
* Fried Candy Bars
* $4 Cream Soda made with all natural cane sugar
* Sundrop Slushies
* Peach Nehi Slushies

Did I leave anything out? It's possible. And I won't give you the bite by bite detail of what our group consumed - although I will give 2 very enthusiastic thumbs up to the fried pickle chips and the peach Nehi slushi...

Anyways, after 1 round of our gorgefest, we strolled through one of the the exhibit halls and eyed the oversized veggies, the various crafts and dioramas, and this utterly creepy exhibit:



Then we wandered through the Midway and Lilsaej won an adorable stuffed puppy playing Mash-A-Mouse and I blew through $5 of quarters in about 3 minutes playing the color game. So I don't know what YOU all call it but I call it the color game. You know - the one where they have 20 or 30 different colors listed around the outside of the booth-tent thingy (oh...the joy of writing blog posts on Sunday night. My intelligence is overwhelming y'all. Booth-tent thingy? Sigh...). Anyways - there are a bazillion colors and you put a quarter on whichever one you think is going to win (or in my case you play 5 colors at a time) and then the Carnie spins a big wheel and then puts a tin cup in the center of the spinning wheel and...OUT POPS A WHITE RAT and then he runs around the wheel and whichever hole he crawls into is the color that wins. And I know I did a crappy job of explaining it but oh look - if you Google "rat color carnival game" this comes up and so maybe you get what I am talking about. Also? I totally took a picture of the rat:



I also took a picture of Lilsaej doing her best Dirty Harry impersonation:



And then we wandered over to the livestock area and OMG y'all...chickens totally smell, and we saw a 2200 pound horse which I did not take a picture of but I did take a picture of the peeps because OMG - is there anything cuter??



After the animals, we broke for round 2 of Deep Fried Everything (washed down with peach Nehi slushies) and then hit the back half of the Midway where we ran into some very intense Carnies (I mean - VERY intense - even by Carnie standards), I paid $2 to see some "bizarre" animals including a Zonkey, a 5-legged sheep, and the world's largest swamp rat ("Alive. Alive. Smell Them To Know They're Alive." - this was on repeat over the speakers to assure us that our money was well spent.) and we played 2 hands of Bingo and lost.

We did not ride any rides although it turned out many rides weren't running - including the Ferris Wheel which was a disappointment to most of the group although not me. You can stick me on a roller coaster that goes 200MPH, spins me upside down 18 times and drops me straight down 175 feet and I won't cringe but OMG stick me in a Ferris Wheel that stops with me at the top and my wee little car starts to sway in the breeze...ACK HOLY HELL GET ME DOWN FROM HERE RIGHT NOW. So yeah. Slight fear of heights.

Anyways, we made our way to the exit just as the ENTIRE UNIVERSE was making their way in which was good because it was a full moon and I expect that the combination of a full moon, Carnies, fried (fill in the blank) and strange animals lead to some strange goings on.



Just sayin'...

And if that ain't country, I'll kiss your...

My Week In Tweets: September 27 - October 3

Dear Weather Peeps: I've had it with the wet, the grey and the rain. Show me what else you can do. Okay? Thanks. xoxo Rougie
8:45 AM Sep 27th from web

Dear Fly Lord: Stop sending your minions to my house seeking haven because I will continue to massacre you like Papa Doc Duvalier. xo Rougie
8:47 AM Sep 27th from web

Round 2 @ the Honda dealer. My salesguy was just paged with "your lady is here." Oh dear. You fellas have no idea who I am do you???
1:12 PM Sep 27th from UberTwitter

Meanwhile - I don't appreciate being kept waiting. It's not like there is ANYONE else here. Buying a car or not.
1:15 PM Sep 27th from UberTwitter

#48 is in the lead AND I am driving a new (used) car. Awesome afternoon. Awesome!
4:51 PM Sep 27th from UberTwitter

I am getting ready to atone for my sins. Not sure if 24 hours is long enough...
6:57 PM Sep 27th from web

Woman next to me kept popping butterscotch candies during Kol Nidrei services. I guess she missed the memo about the whole fasting thing.
9:58 PM Sep 27th from web

At least she had the decency to pick up her wrappers after services were done.
9:58 PM Sep 27th from web

How long do most massacres take? We are into Day 4 of the Great Fly Massacre of 2009 and the exoskeleton count is in the 100s.
8:20 AM Sep 28th from web

I can make it til 5:30 without food but oh dear the lack of Coke Zero is proving to be tougher than I thought.
11:38 AM Sep 28th from UberTwitter

First post-fast Coke Zero Cherry is so unbelievably good. I may consider making it my new religion.
5:15 PM Sep 28th from UberTwitter

You don't think I'm a football fan? What gave it away? My nose buried in a book or the bored look every time you commented out loud? Sigh.
9:36 PM Sep 28th from UberTwitter

This whole "up 2 - 3 hours every night insomnia routine" is getting old. I really wish it would get tired too. Very, very tired.
2:37 AM Sep 29th from UberTwitter

At CPE at work and feel like I am in middle school: no one wants to sit at *my* table. Sigh.
8:25 AM Sep 29th from UberTwitter

Pipe cleaners are a delightful diversion.
3:09 PM Sep 29th from UberTwitter

Hard up men are so predictable. It's pitiful.
7:24 PM Sep 29th from UberTwitter

It's a 2 Coke Zero kind of morning.
8:10 AM Sep 30th from UberTwitter

Choice 1: Luna Bar. Choice 2: Muffin. Choice 3: pastry looking thing oozing delicious yummy calories....
8:12 AM Sep 30th from UberTwitter

I'm too fucking tired for IT issues.
8:43 PM Sep 30th from UberTwitter

The flashing light factor is unusually high this morning.
10:29 AM Oct 1st from UberTwitter

I am on the phone with IT. Again. This is kind of getting old......
11:26 AM Oct 1st from UberTwitter

So my colleague who DOESN'T have a Blackberry and disappears for days at a time is cranky that I haven't replied to an email from Monday.
11:37 AM Oct 1st from UberTwitter

Even though my Out of Office was on and clearly stated I'd be largely unavailable for 3 days.
11:38 AM Oct 1st from UberTwitter

Hypocrisy makes me stabby.
11:39 AM Oct 1st from UberTwitter

46 minutes. 46 more minutes of my life handed over to the IT overlords who clearly hate me.
11:53 AM Oct 1st from UberTwitter

So yeah. A belt would have been a very useful accessory today. Very useful.
3:15 PM Oct 1st from UberTwitter

Dear Live Music Peeps: this is a small space. Playing so loud that I CAN'T HEAR MYSELF TWEET is not pleasant. Xoxo Rougie
10:04 PM Oct 1st from UberTwitter

Out with The Kaiser and Sumo. Need I say more?
11:57 PM Oct 1st from UberTwitter

The Kaiser is driving me to drink. Heavily.
12:48 AM Oct 2nd from UberTwitter

It took me a minute to figure out why I am so sore today. It might have something to do with my trainer beating me up yesterday. Might.
8:38 AM Oct 2nd from UberTwitter

Dear Car Guy: Just cuz I'm a girl - doesn't mean I don't have a clue. Thanks! Xoxo Rougie
8:48 AM Oct 2nd from UberTwitter

No - I am NOT out with Sumo and The Kaiser. Cuz that would just be wrong.
12:44 AM Oct 3rd from UberTwitter

Let me clarify: AGAIN.....(Sigh....)
12:45 AM Oct 3rd from UberTwitter

Becoming reacquainted with The Captain. I believe he will be driving me to Waffle House shortly.
12:58 AM Oct 3rd from UberTwitter

At Waffle House with Sumo and The Kaiser. Getting an education in hashbrowns.
1:35 AM Oct 3rd from UberTwitter

I ordered mine smothered, covered, chunked and diced. Oh dear.
1:36 AM Oct 3rd from UberTwitter

Apparently mayonnaise is the perfect condiment for eggs. And syrup smothered waffles are the perfect side for mayo and eggs.
2:05 AM Oct 3rd from UberTwitter

At @HomeDepot to buy shades however just my luck that both sales associates qualified to custom cut them are with other customers.
11:45 AM Oct 3rd from UberTwitter

Apparently it's a window treatment kind of day. Though I don't actually see anyone else in this aisle.
11:46 AM Oct 3rd from UberTwitter

How long should I wait before blowing off @HomeDepot and heading to @Lowes?
11:52 AM Oct 3rd from UberTwitter

15 unattended minuted after pushing the "Needs Help" button is my limit. Off to Lowes.
11:58 AM Oct 3rd from UberTwitter

Jimmy at #Lowes is so my hero. He even remembered me from when I stopped by asking questions on Monday. #HomeDepot can Suck it!
12:16 PM Oct 3rd from UberTwitter

Damn. The demo derby is cancelled for tonight. AND no tractor pull. The fries better be damn good.
4:01 PM Oct 3rd from UberTwitter

I just blew $5 in quarters to watch a white rat named Fat Albert run in circles on a color wheel. It was addictively fun.
5:27 PM Oct 3rd from UberTwitter

And if that ain't country, I'll kiss your...

Shopping Outside My Comfort Zone: Part 2 (I'll Be Needing Some More Xanax Thank You Very Much)

When we last left off, you were giggling with glee at my delightfully witty (yet clearly overtired) ramblings and I was promising you a cliffhanger on par with "Who Shot JR" only it was clear from the first sentence of the post that "Oh yeah - I bought a car" so really it hardly qualified as a cliffhanger but as previously stated I was E.X.H.A.U.S.T.E.D. and therefore not really thinking like a logical human being. Not that I do that anyways. So yeah - back to me being the type of girl to walk into a dealership on an exceptionally rainy Saturday and buy a car practically on the spot.

After Toyota, I traveled about a quarter of a mile down the road to the Honda dealership where I was introduced to my salesman, Patrick. I was a little bit disappointed when Patrick told me they only had 2 certified, pre-owned CRVs on the lot because I could have sworn from some online research that they had more. And I was even more disappointed when I saw the 2 on the lot: a gorgeous dark blue 08 that was FULLY LOADED and an equally gorgeous silvery blue 07 that was NEARLY FULLY LOADED. Why was I disappointed? Well, these are NOT the types of cars that a girl like me i.e. driving a beat to shit 1999 Chevy Blazer graduates to. A girl like me graduates to an 04 or an o5 or possibly an 06 with some bells and whistles but certainly not FULLY LOADED or even NEARLY FULLY LOADED and OMG have you seen the new body style on the CRV? Totally, totally gorg.

Still - I was there. And when Patrick asked me if I wanted to test drive one I said sure because why not and so we hopped in the 08, took it for a spin, and I fell in love. Of course, because Honda is classy, there were no actual prices on the car. Miles, amenities, warranty info - all of it. But no price. And I knew in my deepest heart of hearts that this car was not only outside of my price range but that it was well out of my price range but really after driving it and drinking deep of the soft leather interior and XM radio - how could I settle for anything less?

So seriously y'all? You know how in movies and TV the car guy totally writes the price out on a piece of paper as a jumping off point for negotiations? That shit happens in real life too. Seriously. So we got back to the dealership and Patrick and I sat down at his desk across from one another and he began the dance immediately:

Patrick: "Country Girl. I won't lie to you. I've already sold one car today but I'd really like to sell another."

CG: "Patrick. I won't lie to you. There is no way in Hell I plan to buy a car today. It is literally my FIRST day looking at cars. This was really a recon trip and nothing more. I just don't see myself buying a car on the first day. I need to do some more research. Not to mention I have no idea how much the 2 CRVs even cost."

This is the point where Patrick wrote down the cost for the 07 and the 08 and my heart broke into a million pieces because these cars weren't even remotely close to my price range. Well, the 07 was about 4 towns over from the high, high end of my planned spending range but that's still pretty damn far in Carville.

I was honest with Patrick and he nodded in total understanding and then he asked me if I had planned to trade in the Blazer. I said yes and he asked how much I thought it was worth. Well, The Godfather and I had discussed this. He told me realistically how much it was worth and I had looked up the trade in value on Kelly Blue Book and knew what it was worth depending on whether or not the car was in fair condition or excellent condition and I took a gamble and shot my wad and went for the highest amount possible not actually believing that they would bite.

Patrick disappeared into one of those locked glass fishbowls that says "SECURE AREA - AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY" (which by the way - what the fuck? It's a damn car dealer not a fucking nuclear power plant...) so he could confer with his manager (since I've learned that the guys on the floor are merely middlemen and not actually authorized to make any actual decisions) and a few minutes later he returned. They were willing to give me the requested amount on the trade in - did that help? I told him that the 08 was off the table completely and that while the 07 was inching towards something I might actually consider, well...it was still a ways off. Patrick once again reiterated his determination to sell another car and I once again assured him it would not be to me.

Once again, he disappeared into the fish bowl and returned shortly thereafter with Mr. Manager. Mr. Decision Maker. Mr. Decision Maker told me that rainy Saturdays SUCKED and they really wanted to sell another car otherwise they'd get Hell in their Monday morning meeting and I went through the whole song and dance about how I simply could not buy a car my FIRST day out and oh yeah by the way even though you're being very generous on the trade in the 07 is still out of my range. Then the dreaded question: What's your range?

Oh dear. I am not exactly a black belt negotiator but I do know that you never want to show your cards first only...what choice did I have? Then again - what did I have to lose? I told him my range and I quickly followed the numbers up with my online, documented research explaining that it seemed like there were a number of 05s and 06s in that price range and I was sure I could find one. Well - Mr. Manager got to be Mr. Manager for a reason. As it turns out, this Honda dealer is part of a large automotive group. He offered to look in their database and see if there was an 05 or an 06 at another dealer that fell into my price range. Once again, the boys disappeared into the fishbowl and I was left to wait.

Mr. Manager emerged a few minutes later smiling. They were willing to offer me the 07 at $XXX all-in including taxes and trade in and everything and oh yeah how convenient that $XXX was just eking in under the top of my willing to spend range. Oh dear. Now the pressure was really on. We had been dancing up until this point but now they were moving in for the kill. How could I say no? After all - it was a NEARLY FULLY LOADED 07 with less than 10,000 miles and they were willing to sell it to me for a price I had stated I was willing to pay.

At the end of the day I stuck to my guns. I told them I needed some time to think about it and to do a little more research and could I come back and see them tomorrow? They agreed.

So I went home and called The Godfather and we crunched the numbers and looked at resale value and trade-in and I looked at comparable 07 CRVs to see what they were selling for and I looked at what types of CRVs were selling for the price they had given me and at the end of the day, although I had not planned to buy the 2nd car at the 2nd dealership on the 1st day of my car buying endeavors - we agreed that the deal was simply too good to pass up. Did I mention that the 2-1/2 year old car had less than 10,000 miles?

So I returned the next day and actually drove the 07 (since I hadn't yet) and when I got back to the dealer I asked Patrick where to pull in and he said: just pull up front and I was like: are you sure? and he was like: well aren't you driving it home? And then it hit me. I WAS BUYING A CAR! WOOO-HOOO.

So yeah. I bought a car. Me. I. By myself. And it was AWESOME. And I LOVE my new car and driving it makes me feel so fucking incredible. Seriously - when you drive a beater, you feel a little beaten down. When you drive a spiffy, shiny, sexy, newish, NEARLY FULLY LOADED car - well you feel spiffy, shiny and sexy too.

And I know I promised you pictures but frankly, I have been living through some kind of IT Apocalypse these last 2 weeks and essentially my entire laptop was rebuilt and I don't have the software reloaded that I need in order to download pictures and I am too fucking lazy to go upstairs and root around and find the CD and load it so for now you are just going to have to take my word for it. Is that a problem lovely readers?