Thursday, December 10, 2009

Breathless

I. Can. Not. Breathe.

The pressure in my chest is so great it feels like my heart is being crushed under the weight of a 2-ton steel block.

There's a sharp, stinging pain - like someone is digging a knife into me over and over and over again.

I. Can. Not. Breathe.

I am afraid to open my mouth. To speak. To breathe. Because if I open my mouth the floodgates in my eyes will open too. But it's no use. Despite keeping my jaw clenched firmly, the tears pour over the edge of my eyes and silently stream down my face.

There's no point in fighting it so I don't. I yield to my emotions, to my hormones and suddenly the silent tears are accompanied by giant, racking sobs which threaten to choke me.

I. Can. Not. Breathe.

I did not know it was possible to cry so hard, for so long, but I am relieved to be allowed to privately steep in my own emotional soup. No one telling me to calm down. No one telling me to pull it together. Then again, there's no one there to hold me either.

Sleep is fitful - at best. Even clutching my childhood teddy bear or feeling the warm, purring body of my cat pressed up against my leg doesn't soothe me, doesn't slay the demons. Writing doesn't release the pain and anxiety coursing through my veins.

I. Can. Not. Breathe.

The night feels interminable. But it ends. Somehow it ends and I wake from an unpleasant dream and look in the mirror. Even my $75 concealer is not going to help.

Daylight. Sun. Low-Country bound. I should be excited and overjoyed. I should be smiling. Instead, the tears slip silently down my cheek as I navigate the Interstate.

I. Can. Not. Breathe.

Fuck you PMS. Fuck you.

3 comments:

AndreAnna said...

Ugh, poor you.

If it makes you feel any better, we're on the same schedule and rather than crying, I want to eat my own arm.

kyooty said...

hugs!!! stupid PMS!

debb said...

Oh, poor baby. I have had too many of those days/nights lately and I can't even blame it on PMS, just my own emotionally overwrought self.


In a non-stalky freaky way, I would give you a big hug if I could.