I am tired and have no patience ergo I should not be at Wal-Mart.
1:00 PM Nov 8th from UberTwitter
But thank you Universe for this choice parking spot.
1:01 PM Nov 8th from UberTwitter
And that's it for the #48....3 laps in....
3:36 PM Nov 8th from web
I don't know what's worse - the #48 being out or the #18 being in the lead and going for the Texas Speedway trifecta?
4:15 PM Nov 8th from web
Flies are one thing but a WASP INFESTATION? IN NOVEMBER? You've got to be kidding me. FML.
4:20 PM Nov 8th from web
Fuck - somewhere there's a partially injured wasp limping around my house. CAN. NOT. DEAL. SERIOUSLY. WASPS?????
4:35 PM Nov 8th from web
For crap's sake - I am pulling my cashmere sweaters out of storage. AND killing wasps?? That's just wrong....
4:36 PM Nov 8th from web
Injured Wasp will now be known as Flushed-Down-The-Toilet-Decapitated-Wasp.
5:03 PM Nov 8th from web
Humphrey Bogart as Sam Spade is a total badass. #maltesefalcon #timemachinefreebies
6:44 PM Nov 8th from UberTwitter
I am tired of waiting for this day to end. Therefore - I am going to bed. #mondaycantcomesoonenough
8:19 PM Nov 8th from web
I am trying to keep a positive attitude. However a giant wasp in my kitchen before 7:30am is not helping.
7:51 AM Nov 9th from web
Heard crying outside the door - thought it was the local stray...opened the door and....
12:28 PM Nov 9th from web
BIRD caught between my real door and the outer door. How? Cause my screen is shredded to shit.
12:28 PM Nov 9th from web
Result? I SCREAMED and slammed the door. No bird in the house but still an avian issue to deal with....FML
12:29 PM Nov 9th from web
Ok - bird managed to fly out of the same hole he flew into but Holy Hell y'all - that freaked me out!
12:31 PM Nov 9th from web
You know what's not attractive at the gym? Ass crack. Actually - that's not attractive anywhere.
5:36 PM Nov 9th from UberTwitter
Insomnia. Might. Be. The. Death. Of. Me.
1:49 AM Nov 10th from UberTwitter
I swear if I don't start sleeping through the night I'm going to collapse into a weepy, useless heap of utter exhasution. #cripplinginsomina
6:12 AM Nov 10th from web
Sleep deprivation has driven me to the unthinkable i.e. caffeinated coffee. You have been warned that I MIGHT BE A LITTLE MANIC later.
7:54 AM Nov 10th from UberTwitter
Also? I might have 87 panic attacks and feel like my heart is going to JUMP OUT OF MY CHEST but #cripplinginsomnia has left me no choice.
7:56 AM Nov 10th from UberTwitter
Possible cures for insomnia: drugs, acupuncture, herbs, a sleep study or hiring someone to repeatedly smash my head w/ a croquet mallet.
8:24 AM Nov 10th from UberTwitter
Heart is racing, talking a mile a minute but eyelids still droopy and may keel over. #wrongeffectsofcaffeine
9:01 AM Nov 10th from UberTwitter
Ack. Presentation at 3:30. Working on opening remarks NOW. Lunch with an attorney in between. #procrastination
10:43 AM Nov 10th from UberTwitter
Lunch at Pietown may have not been a bright idea. Yummy yes - but major fear of public speaking + pizza = not-so-pretty....Crap.
12:02 PM Nov 10th from UberTwitter
Any tips for overcoming my fear of public speaking before 3pm? Other than to picture the audience naked?
12:02 PM Nov 10th from UberTwitter
Oh Ida - you're fucking up an otherwise very good hair day......
2:01 PM Nov 10th from UberTwitter
Hotel bar. Convention time. Choking on the testosterone and Rogaine. #gag #gag
8:54 PM Nov 10th from UberTwitter
8 hours of continuing ed. Cuz I work for an accouting firm. Awesome. #shootmenow #prettyplease #prettyplease
8:10 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter
Can't discuss what I have consumed foodwise so far today. And it's NOT EVEN 9am.
8:43 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter
I am not an accountant. But apparently I play one in my own personal living Hell.
9:04 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter
The irony is - I have an utter crapload of *actual* work to do today. FML.
9:05 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter
1 hour down. 7 to go. It's going to be a loooooooooooooooong day.
9:07 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter
Just learned where malpractice lawsuits come from. Not nearly as thrilling as where babies come from. Or mold spores.
10:26 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter
10:58? It's only 10:58? My watch must be broken.
10:57 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter
Just snagged an invite to CPE in charleston on Friday. Cuz I rock. At least I don't have to stay for all 8 hours.
11:17 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter
2 minutes til lunch and we're learning about the Theory of Deepening Insolvency. Hold me people. Hold me.
11:58 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter
Cut lunch short by 15 minutes so we could end early by 15 minutes. Thank God for small favors.
12:40 PM Nov 11th from UberTwitter
RT @ruthakers: I like my hangovers like I like my 1 night stands: Short. Sweet. To the point. And gone by the time I wake up in the morning.
1:39 PM Nov 11th from UberTwitter
Me, @Harmzie and @ModernMatriarch in Chicago? In real life? OMG. OMFG.
1:43 PM Nov 11th from UberTwitter in reply to Harmzie
2:03 PM Nov 11th from UberTwitter
Crap. Kept thinking I was done in 1 hour and 5 minutes. It's *2* hours and 5 minutes. FML.
2:40 PM Nov 11th from UberTwitter
ACK! Crackberry @ 25% and I have more than an hour left.....
3:17 PM Nov 11th from UberTwitter
1 hour left and then this never ending day ends.
3:45 PM Nov 11th from UberTwitter
Actually - that's a lie. Get to drive home in a rain-soaked rush hour, unpack, repack, and get on the road @ 7am tomorrow. Wheee.
3:50 PM Nov 11th from UberTwitter
The next 30 minutes will surely be the longest 30 minutes of my life.
4:16 PM Nov 11th from UberTwitter
Rainy days just SCREAM Chinese take-out. Really.
7:17 PM Nov 11th from web
I am so brain dead I suspect I will pack 2 pairs of PJs and forget shoes. Or my bra. Or both.
8:08 PM Nov 11th from web
How much fried rice is too much? I mean - those Chinese dinner combo things are meant for 1 - right?
9:12 PM Nov 11th from web
I officially dub I-26 "Interstate Asshats With Small Penises and Big Cars."
10:31 AM Nov 12th from UberTwitter
It feels like a cruel trick of nature that I actually slept last night, and yet I am so tired I might keel over.
4:18 PM Nov 12th from web
Yes hotel peeps - I went wandering down the hall looking *like this* in search of Diet Coke just for you. Cuz I love you like that.
6:16 AM Nov 13th from web
And I just picked up 2 more followers. Was it the smudged eyeliner? The inside out sweater? The Roseanna Danna hair? The torn PJs?
6:21 AM Nov 13th from web
I wonder if people can tell how dirty my hair is or if they'll just think it's *shiny*
9:25 AM Nov 13th from web
Wondering if Diet Coke at a 10am meeting sends the wrong message?
9:59 AM Nov 13th from UberTwitter
Like that I am 20 and in college and not a 30-something Director of______.
10:03 AM Nov 13th from UberTwitter
Note to self: when in a room with "Ss" and "Cs" don't be such a damn "I"
10:40 AM Nov 13th from UberTwitter
Holding out for chikfila the same way Bonnie Tyler was holding out for a hero.
12:13 PM Nov 13th from UberTwitter
On a quest for chikfila in downtown columbia during lunch rush. Am desperate, insane or both.
12:49 PM Nov 13th from UberTwitter
Apparently my cat is *too good* for his litter box. Apparently blue shag carpet circa 1973 is more his style. FML.
3:11 PM Nov 13th from UberTwitter
Apparently dumping half a bottle of carpet cleaner on my cat's new choice of toilet bowl was a dumb idea.
3:34 PM Nov 13th from web
It's like an episode of Three's Company - the entire carpet is foaming up and momentarily the room will be swallowed by suds.
3:35 PM Nov 13th from web
Joy. My entire house now smells like toxic, pet odor killing chemicals. (Dear Cat: I HATE you right now. Xo Mama)
3:56 PM Nov 13th from UberTwitter
Holy Hell I am EPICALLY klutzy tonight. EPICALLY.
6:35 PM Nov 13th from web
RT @ModernMatriarch: Ok, so who lives near/in Chicago? B/c it's about to be BROUGHTEN by me, @harmzie, @rougeneck, & @casscomerford in Feb!!
7:03 PM Nov 13th from UberTwitter
Getting my picture taken for the local paper. Probably would have been a good idea to have washed my hair SINCE MONDAY.
9:21 AM Nov 14th from web
Photog: snaps pic, looks at it, says "good enough." Me: That's *comforting*
9:50 AM Nov 14th from UberTwitter
RT @mrlady: You know what twitter needs? A trending violence unsilenced tag. I spoke out will you? http://violenceunsilenced.com #vu
10:04 AM Nov 14th from UberTwitter
Is it me or are Hummers the most OBNOXIOUS car EVAH?
10:25 AM Nov 14th from UberTwitter
Here's the problem with the elliptical: no matter how fast I go, I still have the same amount of time to finish.
11:07 AM Nov 14th from UberTwitter
Waiting for Sumo. It's awkward being single girl at a sports bar on a Saturday night. Tres, tres awkward.
7:08 PM Nov 14th from UberTwitter
OMFG - man just TOPPLED off his barstool. Not sure if drunk or heart attack or what but scary....he's not moving....
7:39 PM Nov 14th from UberTwitter
Ok - he's moving and up.......phew.....
7:40 PM Nov 14th from UberTwitter
Is it wrong that at 34 I'm still *mildly scared* by the Wicked Witch of the West in the Wizard of Oz?
9:52 PM Nov 14th from web
And by *mildly scared* I mean *changing the channel like NOW!*
9:53 PM Nov 14th from web
My solution to the toxic cat urine smell emanating from upstairs? More apple Cinnamon room spray. #cantfuckingdealwithkittylovecanal
10:18 PM Nov 14th from web
What most people don't realize about Hitchcock's Rope is that it was shot in 1 fucking take YO!
10:20 PM Nov 14th from web
In re-reading this, I don't know whether to be amused or frightened by how my twisted mind works sometimes...
2 days ago