It gets worse. I was born on The Day of Validation. Apparently this exacerbates my affliction because no matter how great I feel about myself, no matter what I accomplish, no matter how much I feel like a badass, I always need someone else to validate it. It seems my inner strength is not quite strong enough and requires a helping hand to prop it up.
Why am I sharing this with you? Because I had such a bad case of ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME the other day that I hurt someone I care about and I have been eaten alive by shame and horror ever since. And it's as much for how much I hurt this friend as for the version of me that I saw staring back from the mirror. She was ugly. She was weak. She was needy. She was so desperate for attention that she turned into a hate-filled, insult slinging chaleria. I didn't recognize her. And what's worse - I didn't particularly care for her.
This isn't exactly a new issue for me. I am well aware of my need for attention, of my need to be validated, of my need to be complimented and praised, and of my need to be at the CENTER OF EVERYTHING. It's one of those life issues that I just keep chipping away at and while I've sowed the seeds of self-esteem, I got a rather late start and so at 34, they are still young and tender.
I try to be patient as the roots of my self-esteem take hold and plant themselves firmly in my psyche. I try to remember that Rome wasn't built in a day. That patience is a virtue. That time wounds all heels.
When I do have moments of actual self-confidence, I feel amazing. I feel incredible. And I think to myself: Oh Country Girl: isn't this the greatest feeling in the world? Keep at it sugar because it is so rewarding and YOU DESERVE IT!!!
But then I have a bad day. Or something frustrates me. Or someone doesn't return a text fast enough for my liking. Or someone doesn't tell me that I look pretty. And then it's like: HEY UNIVERSE: LOOK AT ME. YOO HOO - OVER HERE! ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME!
There's no doubt I am a work in progress and the good news is, I am taking more steps forward then I am taking backwards. Still, I am not perfect. In fact I am far from it. Sometimes my demons rear their ugly little heads and when they do, it disheartens me and frankly, leaves me feeling rather shitty.
To my friend who I hurt, I am sorry. More sorry than you will ever know. And while actions speak louder than words, hopefully these words (and my throwing myself on a very public sword) will go a
As for you my darling readers: have you ever come face to face with the worst version of yourself? How do you deal with your inner demons?