Monday, November 09, 2009


I am a Leo. My ruling planet is the Sun. Do you know how I am sure of these things? Because I pretty much need to be the center of attention. Always. ALWAYS.

It gets worse. I was born on The Day of Validation. Apparently this exacerbates my affliction because no matter how great I feel about myself, no matter what I accomplish, no matter how much I feel like a badass, I always need someone else to validate it. It seems my inner strength is not quite strong enough and requires a helping hand to prop it up.

Why am I sharing this with you? Because I had such a bad case of ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME the other day that I hurt someone I care about and I have been eaten alive by shame and horror ever since. And it's as much for how much I hurt this friend as for the version of me that I saw staring back from the mirror. She was ugly. She was weak. She was needy. She was so desperate for attention that she turned into a hate-filled, insult slinging chaleria. I didn't recognize her. And what's worse - I didn't particularly care for her.

This isn't exactly a new issue for me. I am well aware of my need for attention, of my need to be validated, of my need to be complimented and praised, and of my need to be at the CENTER OF EVERYTHING. It's one of those life issues that I just keep chipping away at and while I've sowed the seeds of self-esteem, I got a rather late start and so at 34, they are still young and tender.

I try to be patient as the roots of my self-esteem take hold and plant themselves firmly in my psyche. I try to remember that Rome wasn't built in a day. That patience is a virtue. That time wounds all heels.

When I do have moments of actual self-confidence, I feel amazing. I feel incredible. And I think to myself: Oh Country Girl: isn't this the greatest feeling in the world? Keep at it sugar because it is so rewarding and YOU DESERVE IT!!!

But then I have a bad day. Or something frustrates me. Or someone doesn't return a text fast enough for my liking. Or someone doesn't tell me that I look pretty. And then it's like: HEY UNIVERSE: LOOK AT ME. YOO HOO - OVER HERE! ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME!

There's no doubt I am a work in progress and the good news is, I am taking more steps forward then I am taking backwards. Still, I am not perfect. In fact I am far from it. Sometimes my demons rear their ugly little heads and when they do, it disheartens me and frankly, leaves me feeling rather shitty.

To my friend who I hurt, I am sorry. More sorry than you will ever know. And while actions speak louder than words, hopefully these words (and my throwing myself on a very public sword) will go a long little ways to healing the hurt and repairing the damage.

As for you my darling readers: have you ever come face to face with the worst version of yourself? How do you deal with your inner demons?


Jen said...

I think you did a fabulous job of articulating thoughts so many of us have. I'm glad you're a work in progress!

harmzie said...

I am a virgo, which means I don't believe any of this crap. Or more specifically, that is why I don't believe any of this crap according to those who DO believe this crap.

Other than that (crutch), I agree with Jen in that this is an excellent articulation of this phenomenon, and I know you are not alone. What was the question?

Oh yes. Inner demons. I am struggling to find a way to put that to text myself. Part of me wonders if it will help or hurt. Part of me *really* needs to do it. The biggest (perfectionist) part of me needs to nail it, which is why it doesn't get done at all.

Good luck with your friend. I am constantly amazed at how well "I fucked up" works, when it's sincere. Of course the actions are requisite, but if you hadn't planned or done it already I also recommend repeating that message face-to-face.

Thanks for sharing. Perhaps it is inspiration to take another stab at it (hopefully not a prophetic choice of words!)

Also: love "chaleria". Need to find some more uses so as to use it myself appropriately.

AndreAnna said...

I think this is a great post.

I always tell people I don't know how they're friends with me because sometimes I'm so obnoxious, I annoy MYSELF.

But I figure being as self aware as you and I are make us at least bearable, right?

I'm sorry you and your friend had issues but I think you are taking the right steps to fix the situation.

Nenette AM said...

Totally ditto on everything you wrote.

I've got inner demons all over the place... they've gotten out and are totally raiding the fridge. So, because of this, I find myself not getting too deep with people at times and become almost hermit-like.

Harmzie can attest to this -- I tend to disappear for long periods. Which isn't good really, because it results in anti-social Nenette, which leads to wrestling with more inner demons. It's all a vicious cycle really.

Good luck with your friend. I hope it all turns out well.