Apparently the work peeps have it in for me. Seriously. They must. Otherwise:
WHY WOULD IT HAVE TAKEN THEM OVER 18 MONTHS TO TELL ME THAT THERE IS A J. CREW CLEARANCE STORE LESS THAN 10 MINUTES FROM OUR OFFICE? HELLO??? ARE YOU PEOPLE TRYING TO KILL ME???
(Pauses to catch breath and return to a more balanced state. There.)
So yeah. While out in Asheville in September to run my first 5K, my coworker K, she of the glorious flowing cashmere cardigans and also scary compliance queen, mentioned the J. Crew clearance store to me. I promptly fainted. Really? A CLEARANCE STORE? This close? It was more than I could handle.
And then finally finally finally I was back in Asheville this week and K and I snuck out after lunch to check out J. Crew....
So OMG y'all. Like - literally. We pulled into the parking lot. I saw the sign: "J. Crew Clearance Store." My BP shot through the roof, my pulse sky-rocketed, my breathing got short and shallow, and seriously - I was high.
Entering the store was a whole other universe. Piles of cheap cashmere. Racks of pretty dresses. Coats. OMG y'all - THE GOD DAMN FLIPPING COATS. Only - I got a perky purple coat at the J. Crew Outlet store in Blowing Rock in September and I DON'T NEED ANY MORE DAMN COATS. We won't discuss the shoes except....
So yeah. In a frenzy of grabbing $50 Chanel-style-cashmere and more-than-half-off lovely silk dresses in hunter green (just perfect for the holidays) AND a much needed black pencil skirt (Sigh. Can you feel the shopper's high - CAN YOU???), I got waylaid by the goddamn shoes. These in particular:
Bite me J. Crew - OK?? BITE ME.
I wasn't going to buy them. I SWEAR I WASN'T....
But then K said how cute they looked and OMG y'all I have some kind of problem and so yeah...long story short, I bought them. This was on Tuesday afternoon.
Tuesday evening I got home and I was so anxious to wear MY DARLING NEW SHOES that I slipped out of my pencil skirt and into my capris and into my new...
TORTURE DEVICES FROM HELL. HOLY HELL THESE PUPPIES HURT LIKE A MOFO.
Sigh y'all. In my shopping induced mania/frenzy - I FORGOT TO ACTUALLY WALK AROUND IN THESE SUCKERS. And you know what? Whatever the fuck I bought doesn't flipping fit AND hurts like God damn hell.
Seriously? See the email I sent to K because it pretty much sums up my own private Hell these last few days:
So today I wore a simple black sheath, triple strand pearls, my new cardigan and my new shoes. The whole outfit looked darling. We'll ignore the fact that my feet hurt like Hell.
I keep praying they will stretch but it may just be the shape of the shoe and where it hits across the top of my foot. I am wondering if a half size up would have helped. Also - I am wondering how I didn't realize in the store THAT THESE SHOES ARE PURE EVIL GORGEOUS TORTURE. Seriously - I just have to stick my foot in the shoe and I am reaching for the painkillers........That said - I'll still wear them every chance I can because that's how I roll.
Note to self: when manically shopping at a clearance store and grabbing shoes in the midst of an endorphin-induced shopper's high, remember to actually TRY THEM ON and oh yeah...walking around the store once or twice might be helpful too.
So yeah. Is there anyone close by who can hit me over the head with a polo mallet????
Me being me I have been determined to makes these bad boys work for me so I have basically worn them non-stop for 2 days in an attempt to get them to better conform to the shape of my foot and/or to stretch them out and/or ANYTHING DEAR LORD.
So yeah. Any takers on the polo mallet??
2 days ago