Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Combustionally Challenged

My life has a new theme song these days: We Didn't Start The Fire. Because OMFG if it's got an ignitor and I own it then it probably doesn't fucking light unless 1) there is some kind of dire emergency and even then there's no guarantee or 2) there are people over watching me in which case OF COURSE IT LIGHTS and OF COURSE IT WORKS because then no one realizes the combustionally-challenged Hell I seem to be living in. Sigh.

It all started with the grill. Specifically my old grill which exploded into a giant fireball on my right arm and which subsequently needed to be shot. Which I did. And then I went out and bought a new grill. Because I like grilling and you can do way more on a grill than you can on a circa 1962 stove with an attitude problem. So I went to Lowe's and bought a basic $99 Char-Broil and had Sumo and The Kaiser come put it together for me (because yeah - I don't do propane) and while they were still here we tested it like 5 times to make sure the ignitor button actually worked and then a few days later I went to turn on my new I KNOW IT WORKS FOR SURE grill and: NOTHING. Oh - the ignitor made a popping sound like it should have worked. But there was no spark. Nothing caught. No flame. I tried for 15 minutes to get that sucker to light to no avail. So yeah. Shoot. Me. Now.

The second time I tried to light the grill it worked but then the 3rd time it didn't at which point I felt like I had basically blown $99 because Holy Hell y'all - I don't like it when my appliances humiliate me. Fuck you cheap Char-Broil with the clearly faulty ignitor. Fuck you.

Of course, I bitched about this incessantly to The Kaiser and Sumo and when they came over for their thank you dinner, they didn't even come into the house. They simply went out back where THEY LIT MY GRILL. BASTARDS. Of course I made them turn it off and then Sumo stood over me while I tried to light it and of course it didn't light so I felt slightly better but OMG y'all - why am I having these problems?

Oh wait. It gets better.

I have no heat in my house. We won't discuss it and all you need to know is that I am ALL OVER THAT SHIT but getting estimates for a furnace replacement takes time and meanwhile it's been a wee bit chilly so I did what any clever girl would do: I ordered ventless gas logs to put in my fireplace as all agreed that they would do a sufficient job of heating my house until the whole furnace thing could be worked out. So they arrived last week and of course I had The Kaiser and Sumo come over and help set them up because not only do I not do propane, but I don't do natural gas. And one day I'll have to video these 2 at work because it's highly entertaining (no we did not make 4 trips to Lowe's because that would have just been silly) but all you really need to know is that we finally, finally, finally got the logs hooked up and we even started them to make sure THEY WORKED AND ALL and I was feeling all sorts of good about my fake fireplace logs until...

The next day it was cold and I went to light them and OMFG they wouldn't light. And it took me 20 minutes and numerous tries and finally, finally, finally they lit but Holy Hell y'all I was literally in tears and I was all: FIRE GODS OF THE UNIVERSE - WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO? And everyone seemed to think it was simply an issue of the logs being new and something about the gas pressure every time I opened and shut the valve and I just sighed and contemplated investing in flannel sheets and some fuzzy socks because really, I can't take it any more.

The good news was when The Kaiser came back on Friday to wrap up a few finishing touches, it took him 400 tries and 20 minutes to get those fuckers lit and he kind of smiled and suggested that I be patient and I smiled back and said OMFG JUST SHOOT ME NOW BECAUSE I AM ONE TORTURED SOUL AND CLEARLY ANYTHING THAT IGNITES HATES ME AND I MIGHT AS WELL JUST GIVE UP RIGHT NOW AND MOVE TO THE DESERT OR LEARN TO RUB 2 STICKS TOGETHER OR SOMETHING BECAUSE THIS SHIT IS RIDICULOUS sure because I didn't want to seem ungrateful or anything.

So yeah. I am combustionally challenged. Clearly.

And if that ain't just damn pitiful, I'll kiss your...


AndreAnna said...

Maybe you should just stick with electric?

Karen from Mentor said...

Maybe you were a rain goddess in another life so fire is automatically damped when your aura approaches.

PS..wouldn't flannel sheets compete with the trapeze and disco ball?

kyooty said...

yes stick to eletric, just keep pressing the HOT button

Nenette AM said...

Hey, you're a fire sign, so this shouldn't be a problem! :)
Yeah, I third the sticking with electric thing. Good luck, and stay warm, girl.