Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Please Don't Poke Me

Y'all: I am SUPER BUSY these days and my travel schedule for the next few weeks is utterly insane. I am doing what I can to keep this little blog flourishing but OMG...unless someone creates a 28-hour day and an 8-day week there is simply not enough time to get it all done. Which I know is ok. We all go through these phases.

Anyways, I felt quite fortunate to have a guest poster step in last week and help pick up some of the slack and I was wondering how I would manage this week when...the genius of Twitter saved my ass. Seriously - one random Tweet about needing a guest poster (sorry kids - I have yet to figure out how to paste screen shots of Twitter into Blogger) and BAM: The lovely, talented, amazing, gorgeous and totally awesometastic Modern Matriarch stepped in and volunteered her wickedly snarky and always entertaining services. I mean really - who feels like the luckiest blogger in the internetwebosphere?

Seriously, Modern Matriarch is a total blogging bad ass and to have her talent on my wee little blog - well, it's an honor. So without further ado...


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Don’t poke me.

Don’t superpoke me.

Don’t send me a flower for my garden or a watermelon martini.

I don’t care if your imaginary zoo bred another animal or if you took a quiz about what 1980s sitcom character you are.

I hate Facebook.

I want to like Facebook. I really do. But I don’t.

The thing that annoys me the most is that it brings together all aspects of my life into one giant place as if they were one. I don’t want my coworkers or boss seeing pictures of me out at a bar licking my gay best friend’s bicep. I don’t want my friend’s mother from high school inviting me to Mary Kay parties. I don’t want to be friends with someone who I passed in the hall in high school.

I want my blog stuff separate from my work stuff. I want my friends separate from random-ass acquaintances. I don’t want it all in one place.

The end of the world as we know it was the day I opened my email to this:

April Miller wants to be your friend on Facebook. April Miller is my MOTHER. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy that my mother is embracing social networking rather than crossing her arms in front of her chest and saying, “I don’t use those computer things” like many in her generation. I am glad she is reconnecting with old friends and keeping in better touch with family members.

But, my mom? For the love of foie gras.

I get that a lot of people love Facebook and spend an inordinate amount of time on it, playing games, taking quizzes, joining causes, becoming fans of things. And to each his own, really. But here’s how I feel:

I DON’T GIVE A MOTHERLESS GOAT’S ASS IF YOU’RE A FAN OF MARGARET HOULIHAN, AKA HOTLIPS.

I guess it’s the apathetic part of me, the misanthropic side that mostly lies dormant, that hates Facebook so much. I’m on it, yes, mostly because I’m a lemming. I have a few hundred friends, a third of whom I give a crap about.

The other two thirds are people I only friended to see if they got fat.

Oh, shut up. You’ve done it too.

So if you are my friend on Facebook and I shoot back a “screw you and your mother” when you send me a fake hatching egg, I apologize. I like YOU, really.

It’s not you Facebook friends, it’s me.

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For the record: I am friends with Modern Matriarch on Facebook, I am a reformed Poker and SuperPoker, but I don't do FB quizzes any more - they make me stabby. I have heretofore avoided any of the time sucks like Farmville and Mafia Wars because as previously stated, I don't have enough time in my day for what needs to get done. Also, I don't friend work peeps.

5 comments:

Karen from Mentor said...

Hello Modern Matriarch.
I was DELIGHTED by your post.
I famously don't have a facebook. I don't tweet either although I love CG's tweets.
These last weeks I was being tempted by my tweeting/facebooking friends with everything from extra body parts to smooches if I came over to the dark side. I have stood firm, and actually gotten a lot of comic material from the attempts to make me a twitterbot.
(but quite frankly CG almost got me with the smooches...)
So I LOVED this post.
There was only one thing missing for me to make it perfect....
please come back in and post the picture of you licking your gay best friend's bicep.

Miss you CG!!!! hope you're having fun.

harmzie said...

I am on FB. We're (me with MM & CG) "friends". I always find myself having to use "" when I refer to FB "friends". Even if we're friends IRL (which we are, too. Are to!!)

My rule used to be "Only People I Know And Like Because I Have Met Them".

With the advancement of blogging & twitter in my world, I have had to expand that to "People I Would Definitely Have Coffee With And GET to Know Them" (maybe dinner too, but I don't want anyone confused by my motives - primarily the gentlemen "friends". I'd say "Only If They Include Their Wives", but there's some further confusion that could arise. Thank Jeebus it's all virtual!)

(I've also had to massage the criteria slightly for those people would have to be buying the coffee for said meeting to take place.)

But it's still people I like. All of them. No poking. That's gross. There's only one person who can poke me. And he refuses to join Facebook.

My weakness? Those effing Pick 5s. I'm sorry. But it's not like I send them to anyone or anything.

So yeah. Make with the photo. I must have missed it.

AndreAnna said...

The whole point is that I CANT post those pictures. I save that for my blog. :)

There may or may not also be some video of me dancing on the side of the road last fall.

Karen from Mentor said...

No, no. Ms. Matriarch. We want you to come HERE and post the picture so we can see it.

come on. You know ya wanna.

Nenette AM said...

LOVE this. Yes, you, CG, Harmzie and I are all "friends" on FB, and I've slowly started adding people I know only online. And believe me, I enjoy these new additions more than the little kids I knew back in childhood.

I have a love/hate relationship with FB. I go through times when I seriously consider shutting down my account, then I find myself trying to use it like I would twitter (usually when twitter goes tits-up).

Like Harmzie, I'm a Pick 5 addict. And I do, on occasion, accept/share a plant or two. But I avoid new apps due to privacy issues.

I now have friends of my son trying to friend me, and frankly, I don't want *them* to see pictures of me downing my 3rd plum wine during a sushi night with the girls.

As for your picture, is it on flickr? ;)

ps - poking is lunacy.