Thursday, September 03, 2009


ACK! My hands have finally stopped shaking. My breathing has returned to normal. My heart has stopped racing. And I can finally see straight because...I am back online. Yes - I survived my 3 days in the mountains with very little Internet but OMG y'all, I have some kind of problem.

So yeah...upon checking in I ask the lovely old lady behind the counter if there's wireless in the cabin (because after all, I did have my laptop with me). She looked at me funny because WHO THE HELL COMES TO THE MOUNTAINS TO SIT IN THEIR ROOM ONLINE? Yeah. Not me. Swear. Just a few things I want to check. While I ice my knee. I mean- I am going to be in the room anyways...As it turns out, no Internet in the rooms but there is Internet in the main building. Strike 1.

Strike 2? NO FUCKING CELL SERVICE. The Crackberry was pretty much useless because cell service was spotty at best and a matter of mere inches - Hell, fractions of inches - meant the difference between being able to DO ANYTHING on my phone and not do a damn thing. Oh I went through serious withdrawl and truth be told...when I finally managed to get enough signal to check my Yahoo and saw 53 UNREAD emails I panicked, dragged my laptop to the main building and plugged in. Then I breathed a sigh of relief.

As it is, I am mostly caught up on some stuff, not remotely caught up on others and have decided that there is no way in Hell I can read through 60+ hours of missed Tweets. If you Tweeted anything awesome between Monday morning and 3pm yesterday, DM me please.

Withdrawl issues asides, the mountains were lovely and COLD and OMG I wore my first fall sweater and we had fires and I ate soup and I went for an amazing hike where I totally left all of my male co-workers in the dust. Seriously, I reached the summit and waited 15 minutes before the 2 sent on to find me finally made it. Am total hiking badass. Natch. Also? I was tired of listening to them talk about peeing outside and teaching their sons to pee outside. Puh-Leeze. Get over it.

So I forgot to bring my camera on the hike, but this is the massive peak I scaled in less than an hour. And that takes into account my having to stop on several occasions so the boys could catch up with me. Badass. I am a badass.

And last night after dinner we were down at the bar and then we went outside and they built us this awesome fire in a pit and then I had the bright idea to make s'mores and found one of the managers and OMG y'all - they totally had crap for s'mores and so yeah...we were roasting marshmallows and it was generally awesome.

ACK! The last 3 days I have been on a pancake-pie-fried chicken wing-country ham-wine diet. It's a lot of fun but OMG...need to detox. On all counts.

ACK! The work peeps found me. I think. I can't tell. Here's the deal. I finally had a chance to log onto Sitemeter and was reviewing traffic for the last few days when I noticed someone had been on today for ~ 20 minutes and viewed 8 pages. That's pretty substantial for my wee little blog and so I clicked on the link to get more details. That's when I saw it. The ISP address. Registered to MY FIRM. OMG! OMG! OMG Y'ALL!!!` The one thing in this world I am most terrified of (besides raw chicken, being buried alive and losing my parents). CRAP.

What happened next was a blur. There was some early-stage rationalization - like perhaps it wasn't MY work peeps. Perhaps it was someone else on the other side of the firm who found me because I do have some fans in Asheville and my sex with the sidewalk story is kind of legendary. Maybe it was about Country Girl and not the girl behind Country Girl. Then I wondered if in a moment of cabernet-marshmallow induced madness I actually told the work peeps about my wee little blog. Surely not. Then again marshmallows and cabernet are a deadly combination. Then I wondered if the work peeps had actually gone into work today or just headed home from the mountains. At the end of the day, I have no idea who exactly found me. And if they even know it's me. But I am pretty sure Elastigirl has been revealed. Oh - the real kick in the pants? The exit click was to my Twitter. Hello work peeps: meet Rougeneck.

But here's the thing: I LOVE MY WORK PEEPS. Truly. These last few days with them have been awesome and I even suggested to a friend of mine on my way home that I could share this with them because they are cool and some of them have worse language then I do and clearly I am not the only one who enjoys imbibing so...yeah...why NOT tell them? It's not like I am out killing puppies or proselytizing Satanism or promoting something illegal or DOING ANYTHING WRONG. There is no reference to where I work, who I work for or what I do (other than my sharing with you that I am a Director of...) and so WHY THE HELL AM I SO FUCKING PANICKED???

ACK! The cherry on the sundae known as my day yesterday...I came home to roadkill right in front of my mailbox. I wasn't going to take a picture. Really I wasn't. Those beady, black eyes staring at me were totally freaking me out. But in the end, I caved, because hello darling readers, I have your best interest at heart. That said: not for the faint of heart.

Click here to meet the dead little bastard.

And here's the problem: while I totally have no problems castrating goats, I don't fucking do roadkill.

And if that ain't country, I'll kiss your...


AndreAnna said...

You crack me up!

And like I mentioned on Twitter, a woman who can take a picture of roadkill is a woman after my wee heart!

kyooty said...

little stressed? did you know that since I've joined the internet I don't bite my nails? see it's good. a week away and I bite my nails.

Shelly Overlook said...

How ironic since you just posted recently about being Elastigirl. I guess the universe heard you.

harmzie said...

Do you ever check your own blog from work? I have a rule not to (check mine - everyone else is fair game), but have also broken that rule (that's what they're for, no?). It has freaked me out to see my work's server on my site stats until I realize it was just me!

Karen from Mentor said...

I laughed and laughed. And wished I could wrap you in a blanket fresh from the dryer and talk you down......oh man...

but this:
"they totally had crap for s'mores"

Just sounds WRONG.


Nenette AM said...

oh my, you are badass, girl! I'd probably be one of the last people up that mountain... or maybe the one who got up 1/4 of the way and decided to just turn back and have some cake.
the first girl up, I would never be. :)

Kaiser Soze said...

480 million years ago the Appalachian mountain chain was created as the result of collision of two tectonic plates that was nothing less than biblical in proportion. Those grand mountains have felt the suns warmth for every one of the last1.75x10^11 days. They’ve served as inspiration for countless dreamers, poets, artists and common men in search of solace and sanctuary… I checked back through the collective works of Joyce Kilmer and failed to locate the phrase “NO FUCKING CELL SERVICE” in any of her works…. I’m going out on a limb here and guessing that perhaps you missed the point of going to the mountains, CG.

Kaiser Soze said...

Ah, the majesty of an early fall morn in the Appalachians, the feel of the first fall sweater against your skin, standing aside the fire pit while smores are prepared and readily devoured and being able to enjoy the fellowship and company of colleagues over a fine cab blend or perhaps a single malt scotch and soft spring water in a traditional crystal tumbler.

Christ, who do you work for, LL fucking Bean?

I was chained to a desk all week and, while my boss is not ham handed, he is obese and sex deprived and is prone to mood swings at a moments notice. Aside from being tech deprived I hope you guys didn’t suffer the agony of hike related blisters.

I hope all of you get lyme disease.

Kaiser Soze said...

I understand the dismay that you feel in dealing with the possibility that your on-line endeavors may be uncovered by your work colleagues - and the Kaiser is here to help. I recommend that you immediately prepare and submit a post that revolves around your love of the following:

- Assault weapons
-Stories of violence in the workplace/revenge killings
- Conducting home autopsies on dead animals found on the roadside (ref. today’s post)

Up until he was killed in prison this approach worked swimmingly for Jeffrey Dahmer. He never received a work related reprimanded by Human Resources and consistently received glowing reports on his annual performance evaluations.

I hope this helps.

lilsaej said...

I'm still in shock about the whole irony in this ID discovery.

On another note, I'm also taking bets on whether Kaiser Soze can condense thoughts into 140 Twitter friendly characters.