Thursday, July 23, 2009

My Car Hates Me

So I think that my car hates me. Really. My sweet, darling Betty Lou - I recently christened her Betty Lou - wait - are Jews allowed to christen? Whatever - if we aren't then I named her because Jews totally have baby naming ceremonies - at least for girls. Guys just get their wee-wees whacked at 8 days. Anyways...how's that for a total non-sequitor?

AS I WAS SAYING...

Betty Lou HATES me y'all. For serious. It's like she's some kind of crazy, crafty, rebellious teenager out to suck the ever living soul out of torture her poor, aged mother (that'd be me - fast approaching 34 which is really like fast approaching 40 which is actually really ok y'all because OMG I am totally getting better as I get older so as I stare 40 years old square on in the face all I say is BRING IT BABY - wait - another non-sequitor - clearly this is one of those posts that has already gotten away from me...)

Back to my car. My car hates me and this fact has already been extremely well-documented. Would you like to talk about the minor melt down? Or the brakes and calipers that needed replacing? Or the door panel that needed to be re-attached after I ripped it out? Or the new pins and bushings? Or the new wheels? Or the alignment? Or the worn out wheel bearing? Or the fact that I am always twitching about the fact that my car is so flipping dirty and the second I get it scrubbed, it's dirty again within less than 48 hours? Would you? WOULD YOU? (BTW - I am sure I left off about 16 things but when YOU ARE BRINGING YOUR CAR TO THE MECHANIC EVERY OTHER WEEK OMG PEEPS - YOU TEND TO FORGET ABOUT ONE OR 2 THINGS!!!)

Sigh. Ok. So here's the deal. Two weeks ago, I was about 15 minutes into a 100 minute trip to Greensboro when I noticed something very odd: every time I tapped the brakes, the stereo went silent. Just for a fraction of a second but still - I'd tap the brakes, the stereo would go silent and I was all like: OMG - what the Hell is going on??? So I called a friend of mine who knows all about cars (we'll call him Mr. Handsome Truck Man b/c 1) he's handsome and 2) he drives a bad-ass truck) and I was like: Mr. HTM - I'm ON THE ROAD AND MY CAR MIGHT BE BROKEN - HELP! And I explained to him what was going on and he wasn't 100% sure but he said brakes weren't electrical and it sounded like an electrical problem and I would probably most likely make it to Greensboro in one piece. Oh - did I mention I was driving IN A MONSOON???

So halfway through the drive I stopped for gas and when I turned off the car and got out, I went to lock it (because yeah - I totally needed to use the ladies room and stock up on Crack Zero) and OMG - the locks didn't work. Out of nowhere. ACK. Long story short - restarted car, locks started working, clock had randomly reset itself to 1:00 and I'm all like: yeah - total electrical issue. WHICH I THEN PROCEED TO COMPLETELY FORGET ABOUT FOR ALMOST A WEEK BECAUSE MY CAR GOES BACK TO BEHAVING NORMALLY.

Seriously folks. It's like after 1 completely stressful hour where I think I might die (and I'm all like - Country Girl - why did you not turn around and go home and find a mechanic and DEAL because OMG girlfriend you live in your car and you need to be smarter about these things and you can't afford to take chances because sugar you are precious cargo), I went back to singing along with the totally random/bad-ass mix on my iPod and not remembering the fact that my car is mildly psychotic. Ok. So this was 2 weeks ago.

This past Sunday (so 5 days ago) - my car randomly wouldn't start. I was pretty sure it was the Universe trying to punish me (long story) and I was all: Why me? Why me? And my friend Steve said my car simply wasn't all the way in Park and so I put my foot on the brake and knocked it further up into Park and it started and it was all good but OMG...happened again and again over Sunday/Monday...and y'all I am not so stupid that I can't put my car in Park.... and I have literally been sooooooooooooooooooooo epically busy and on the road and traveling and in my car and so yeah- you think I'd find some time to get this looked at OR AT LEAST RENT A CAR but no...I am too stupid/stubborn/something else that begins with the letter S (take your pick) and so I just kept rolling along which brings us to yesterday...

Car started fine yesterday morning in my driveway but as soon as I released the emergency brake, it died. Had to restart. Set out for SC anyways because that's how I roll. Driving down I-85 - we have the whole "brake-tapping/radio-stopping" thing happening. Then we have the new and terrifying exciting whole "brake-tapping/every single light on the dashboard lights up like a Christmas tree" thing happening. Then we make a quick stop and once we put the car in reverse, it randomly dies. AGAIN. Ok Betty Lou. MAMA CAN TAKE A HINT. I HEAR YOU SUGAR...

How clever am I? A hundred years ago when I had way too much time on my hands, I cut out the page from the AAA magazine (I am an AAA member) and put the names and numbers of all the AAA branches in all the cities I travel to/through in my phone. So just on the other side of Spartanburg I call AAA in Greenville and spill my soul to Dan who was very nice and listened to me blather on for 100 minutes about everything and politely suggested I bring it in - which I did. And I was totally 10 minutes late for my first meeting because clearly this was serous business that required my attention. And even though I drive an ancient Chevy Blazer that doesn't exactly have a sophisticated computer or anything, I was kind of afraid that I would need my entire electrical system replaced for like, $764.

Only - as it turns out? You want to know the problem? Loose battery terminal. That was all. Loose battery terminal was making Betty Lou schizo and accounted for every single automotive issue I have been having for the last 2 weeks. Total cost to fix? Less than $40. Thank you Universe and giant hugs to Dan and AAA.

Of course, Dan tried to tell me my drive belt was cracked and that he could replace it for the low, low, low cost of $103. You know what I did??? Over the phone I told Dan that I doubted I replaced the drive belt today. Then I tweeted about it. Then I looked up drive belts on Wikipedia because Holy Hell y'all - I AM SICK OF BEING GIRL WHO GETS TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF/UPSOLD EVERY TIME HER CAR IS ANYWHERE WITHIN SIGHT OF A MECHANICAL MAN. Then...when I picked up the car...I asked Dan if he could show me EXACTLY WHAT WAS WRONG WITH MY DRIVE BELT and so I totally made him get a flashlight and pop the hood and OMG kids...there are like 2 miniscule cracks in the drive belt that you can barely see. I have cracks bigger than that in my heels from wearing flip flops in the pasture. Seriously. It was so EMPOWERING.

Anyways, I am seriously praying that Betty Lou is through her hellion phase and that we can learn to get along because she is completely my livelihood and my life and my main source of getting from Point A to Point B and I really need her to be more cooperative and...ok...clearly once again this post has gotten away from me. So yeah. Let's wrap it up.

If that ain't country, I'll kiss your...

5 comments:

AndreAnna said...

Girl, I feel you.

Cars are minions of the devil himself.

mdvelazquez said...

Rosie the Riveter fist up to you!

So very glad Betty Lou didn't cost you a small fortune.

Susan Sueiro said...

Sounds like you're just lucky Betty Lou can't type.

debb said...

Okay. You need to be more in-tune with Betty Lou, making her wait 2 weeks for a quick fixx. Not so great. Honey, these things are serious, you are precious cargo. Quit taking crazy chances.

Today my word verification is hellsfor. That's as in give Country Girl hellsfor not beiong on top of Betty Lou's needs.

BTW..when a belt brakes at 70 mph, it's not pretty. Please keep an eye on the belt, better to spend $103 now than need a cast later.

Karen from Mentor said...

Sad thing? When you go to sell her all of her faults are documented...*sigh*...but so are all of her repairs..so maybe that will work in her favor...

:0)