Monday, June 22, 2009

Weekend Hypothetical

Note to mom, dad and the guy at Visa: the following is a completely hypothetical situation. Do not be concerned.

So...imagine you go to Charming College Town USA for a final weekend to visit your amazing awesome smart sexy fabulous BFF who is finishing up her residency at the local hospital and heading off to bigger and better futures and vascular surgery fellowships (*impressive*). And suppose the 2 of you are getting pedis on Saturday morning, she sipping a crappy strawberry smoothie, you sipping a Diet Crack the size of your head and picking at a crappy asiago bagel (damn you Panera for your crappy breakfast food). And you are flipping through some tragically pitiful gossip rag which is surprisingly not making you completely apoplectic. And you stumble upon one of those articles which shows 2 celebs wearing the same dress (*gasp*) but usually in different colors and usually at different events. And your BFF tells you that the dress in question would look great on you. And you nod and agree and smile 'cuz you're high on nail polish fumes you're flattered she would even think that and really...you can't afford you're not in the market for a dress...any dress...especially a dress featured on a celeb in a trashy gossip rag. Case Closed.

Pedis done...you part ways. You off for further grooming and she off to pick up the Boyfriend who has been taking advantage of free Wi-Fi while waiting for you to get your girliness out of the way. The plan is to meet at 12:15 but your appointment ends early so you call BFF and she suggests you stroll down a block to the cute little clothing boutique (that you used to go to in college OMG) and then she and Boyfriend will come meet you. So you stroll down to said boutique and wander, eyeing some lovely items - none of which you can currently afford currently need - although that Etro dress was lovely. You are there solo for longer than you care because after a while, even the salesgirl seems to be slightly suspicious as to your motives.

But eventually BFF and Boyfriend arrive and you're all set to roll but then BFF makes a beeline for the first rack and grabs THE DRESS. The one in the trashy gossip rag. The one being sported by celebrities from Norway to North Dakota. THE DRESS. This is the mini version. In a lovely shade of aubergine (which BTW - purple is totally your color).

BFF: Try it on.

You: No. I can't.

BFF: Yes. You must. This dress is perfect for you.

You: Can't afford it. Don't need it. No occasion to wear it. NO.

BFF (holding it up in front of you - taunting you): Just try it on. It'll be fun.

You: (resistance weakening): NO! I can't!

BFF: What's the harm in trying on a pretty dress?

You: (no response) Because after all, what is the harm in trying on a pretty dress?

Besides, BFF knows you are blue and knows that trying on pretty things will turn your frown upside down so you finally yield and say ok...I'll try it on.

Of course, what are the odds that of the 2 dresses on the rack, one would actually be your size? EXACTLY.

So as long as your trying on THE DRESS you figure you might as well try on other things too so you grab some and let BFF grab some and you reluctantly make your way to the dressing room.

You try THE DRESS first. It's synthetic. Stretchy. Sort of Herve Leger '80s. It's mini. There are darts and seams. It's asymmetrical. It's So. Not. You. But you try it on and walk out of the dressing room, ready to be ridiculed. Alas...apparently this dress is your soul mate and should father your children because the two of you are made for each other. Every dart, every seam, every pleat, every fold hangs perfectly. Your ass looks surprisingly small. There's no stretching or pulling across the abs, the hips or the thighs. Even your bra is concealed. You keep looking and searching and hoping for one thing to be wrong but alas, the dress is PERFECT. Everyone agrees. Even the salesgirl who was giving you the evil eye is thinking commission nodding with approval.

You aren't convinced. You try on several other dresses. None of them illicit the same response. So you put THE DRESS back on again. Unsure. Tempted. But unsure. It fits perfectly. A dress has never ever ever ever fit you this perfectly in your entire life. You turn to Boyfriend because after all 1) he's a guy and 2) he's not one to get caught up in the hype. You ask his opinion on the dress. He tells you that this dress doesn't cost money, it makes money. You joke that it only makes money if you wear it standing on the corner of 47th and 9th but he explains that this is a bigger life philosophy. You nod in somber agreement. Then he tells you that this dress is an investment. Again, seeing as he is an investment banker, you nod in somber agreement.

You hem. You haw. You fret. You debate. Everyone in the store (and by now a small crowd has gathered) is encouraging you to buy THE DRESS. This gorgeous perfect amazing sexy phenomenal dress which you do not need and have no occasion to wear but which was clearly designed just for you. But then your mother appears - as a little apparition on your shoulder - and she is reminding you about fiscal responsibility and all the things you need to be saving for in your future. And then you recall that you still haven't opened your last VISA statement because it's just too terrifying.

So in one corner - you have THE DRESS (*perfect* *sigh*) and an angry mob inciting you to retail madness.

In the other, your beautiful amazing sensible realistic mother and a smoking VISA bill.

Were you in my glamorous shoes, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

Let me know your thoughts. I'll share the real outcome on Wednesday (only cuz I am posting this so late on Monday!).

Now - speaking of cliffhangers, who shot JR?

And if that ain't country, I'll kiss your...

4 comments:

kyooty said...

I see Shopoholic strikes again? :) Did you hear the DVD is out tomorrow? The book is probably better, :)

Karen from Mentor said...

All I can say is there better be a picture of you WEARING the dress...whether you bought it or not.

And yes, it's 3:46 in the am in Ohio....

Your post was calling to me...it WOKE ME UP SARAH!@!#%^&@

Try not to type so frickin loud next time.

Shelly Overlook said...

But do you have the shoes to go with the dress?

harmzie said...

I am a horrible shopper. I have to think about things. I have to hem & haw. Leave & return later. If something actually elicits that reaction - noticibly from (non-sales-people) bystanders, I HAVE to act. Usually, my "you paid HOW much" husband is on side with the "it fits *perfectly* and looks *amazing*" argument.

I hope you bought it.