Monday, June 08, 2009

OMG. OMG. OMG. (OR THE *near* ALL CAPS Post Where I Am At An Utter Loss For Effing Words aka Signs of the Coming Apocalypse)

It should have been a peaceful morning: lying in bed, casually flipping through People magazine and enjoying some quiet down time. But instead, I experienced such levels of apoplexy that I literally had to put the magazine down and reach for my Blackberry so that I could launch into a rant tweet about my growing frustration with the state of TV today:

Wondering if there is any C-List celebrity in the universe who doesn't have their own *reality* show? Hammertime? WTF?

Network execs at TLC and A&E need to be hung, drawn and quartered.

Also whoever greenlighted the Lisa Rinna/Harry Hamlin show. That's just wrong.

Arts and Entertainment? Hah! A&E should change their name to Crap TV or Trash TV.

If any of the following people get their own show I'm moving to Canada: Blogo, any of the Baldwins, anyone related to Britney, the Palins.

Also: the mom who just had 8 babies even though she has no resources to take care of them, Susan Boyle, Suri Cruise, and Boy George.

And why is Eva Mendes designing sheets? Clearly this issue of People needs to be ripped from my hands IMMEDIATELY. #cantdealwithpopculture

[So for the record: Why the hell IS Eva Mendes designing sheets and other items for the boudoir?]

What launched this tirade? Well, for starters, I AM FUCKING SICK OF JON & KATE + 8 AND THEIR COMPLETELY STAGED SCANDAL IN ORDER TO DRIVE RATINGS SINCE SOME ASSHOLE AT TLC RENEWED THE SERIES FOR 40+ EPISODES. WTF TLC EXECS? Seriously - I could write the rest of this post in ALL CAPS that's how ANGRY FRUSTRATED ANNOYED FED UP I am with this whole business. And when they talk about "being normal" and wanting to do what's "best for the kids" I want to throw up from the hypocrisy. And then I want to hurl my vomit back in their hypocritical faces. And then I want to make them eat it. And when I read about Kate working out daily for an hour+ or until she's burned 850 calories I want to ask her HOW THE HELL SHE HAS TIME FOR THAT WHEN SHE 8 KIDS TO TAKE CARE OF? OMG I am not even a mom and it literally makes me sick.

But on top of all of the J&K+8 fabricated bullshit (someone said they'd been on the cover of Entertainment Weekly for 6 weeks in a row - that's got to be coming close to whatever record Britney set when she went absolutely cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs crazy a few years ago), I saw ads for Gene Simmons: The Family Jewels and Hammertime (because "When life hits hard, Hammer hits back.") and I LOST IT. Gene Simmons? MC Hammer? OMG!!! Why do we care people?

And then for whatever tortured random reason I was reminded of seeing Lisa Rinna on the Today Show a few weeks ago talking about her new book (WTF? How is she a published author???) and the upcoming reality show featuring her, Harry and the kids. OMG - is this the beginning of the Apocalypse? Lisa Rinna? Who used to play Billie on Days of Our Lives? And Harry "I Was People's Sexiest Man 400 Years Ago" Hamlin?

And then I got to thinking about all of the various "reality" shows out there (past and present): Nick & Jessica as newlyweds, Britney & K-Fed with a handheld camcorder for 6 Hellacious weeks, Kimora Lee Simmons and something about being fabulous (and OMG did you know she was totally dating Djimon Hounsou and they just totally had a baby and she tweeted while she was in labor? If that is not self promotion, I don't know what is), the Hills (which yielded the evil Speidi - whoever greenlighted that should be shot 14 times, stabbed in the left eye and have their fingernails pulled off one by one), Paris & Nicole on a farm, Paris & Nicole not on a farm, Paris needing a new BFF, Dina Lohan offering parenting tips (Shoot me now), Denise Richards (Is it really that complicated sweetie? Is it?), Bachelors, Bachelorettes, talent contests galore (American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, America's Got Talent), Dancing With the Stars, Celebrity Apprentice, random other shows where D-list celebrities go to die revive their failing careers (Help I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here), The Mole, Big Brother, Survivor, DOG The Bounty Hunter, shows about tattoos (Tattoo Highway, Miami Ink), shows about tanning salons, exterminators and parking cops (YES - A&E has a show called Parking Wars - Holy Hell), The 2 Coreys (OMG - am I dead yet?), Criss Angel: Mindfreak, 18 Kids and Counting, The Little Couple, Anna Nicole doing whatever it was she used to do, Paula Abdul (which I saw one scene where she totally freaked out 'cuz her assistant forgot to bring her sweatpants and she had to wear jeans on the epically long flight from NY to LA or LA to NY and she had a complete breakdown and crying fit), I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant (YES - SOME GENIUS AT TLC GREENLIGHTED A SHOW ABOUT PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T KNOW THEY WERE PREGGERS TIL THEY GAVE BIRTH. OMG. YES. THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF THE END OF SOCIETY AS WE KNOW IT. HELP.), Table for 12 (so someone at TLC has a serious hard-on for people with more than 4 kids), Toddlers & Tiaras (BARF!), Biggest Loser, that other weight loss show for celebs where Dustin Diamond is a TOTAL FREAK, shows about fashion and hairdressers, weddings, Sweet 16s, cooking shows (yes I watch Hell's Kitchen but it hardly qualifies as reality TV - the scripting on that show is out of control), the Real World (the original reality TV perhaps and at one point - very good), Flava Flav (ACK? and did Brigitte Nielsen get a spin-off? Lord I hope not), Housewives from everywhere, sorority sisters, Southern Belles, people who are generally overprivelged and apparently that makes them interesting, and the Osbournes. And that's just what I am aware of. There's probably a lot more.

What's my point? OMG people. When did we, as a society, start giving a shit about people because they: were too tall, were too short, had more than 3 kids, were bankrupt at one point, had a hit song, starred in a B-movie, dated somebody who directed somebody's cousin's aunt's goddaughter's dentist in C-Movie, divorced somebody who once drove the guy who did laundry for the personal chef of some D-List celebrity, were a bounty hunter, were a ditz, were an aspiring hairdresser, were an aspiring model, were a tattoo artist, were a crappyBond girl, HAD A CHILD AND DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THEY WERE PREGNANT AND OMG ARE THERE THAT MANY PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WHO FIT THIS DESCRIPTION THAT IT WARRANTS AN ACTUAL TV SERIES WITH 20+ EPISODES A SEASON AND EVERYTHING?????

I. Can't. Even. Go. On. THIS IS KILLING ME. KILLING ME. DO YOU HEAR ME HOLLYWOOD? YOU MUST STOP BEFORE I DIE RIGHT NOW.

Here's an idea Hollywood. Make a reality show about me: NYC Jewish Princess Moves to Farm in Rural North Carolina Where She Raises Livestock and Learns The Local Ways. Oh wait. They already did that show. It was called Green Acres.

And if that ain't country, I'll kiss your...

ps I'd love to know what YOU think about reality TV. I think y'all know my thoughts on the subject.

13 comments:

Nancy said...

I confess I watch way too much reality TV which all started when I got hooked on Real World.
But even I think it's gone totally overboard and view any crisis within a "reality" show as a ploy for ratings ie - Jon and Kate.
And I have the biggest problem with that show because it is no longer a show about a family with 8 kids. It's a show about a family IN A REALITY SHOW with 8 kids. They're not living ANY KIND OF LIFE that a family of 10 would be living. Skiing here, San Diego for a spa weekend there - Hawaii to renew their vows. I have one kid AND I CAN'T EVEN FUCKING AFFORD TO GO AROUND THE BLOCK NEVER MIND ON A VACATION and that's with a job.
I would applaud them if they would say "enough, we need to be here for the kids AND EACH OTHER. Because those missing words hung like a lead balloon amid Kate's crocodile tears during the first episode "interview".
but enough about them...
we watch reality shows like survivor and biggest loser and amazing race but realize that even alot of those shows, although not "scripted" and steered in a direction at times to get what the producers and editors need to make a "good show".
I take it all with a grain of salt and laugh out loud and to their faces at the people that get incensed over who did what to whom on a "reality show".
And as for why we care about the Spiedis and Harry and Lisas and Flava Flavs? I have no friggin' idea. But it's like they say "build it and they will come".

Shelly Overlook said...

How does one "design" sheets? Aren't sheets sort of a no-brained? Shape? Standard. Sizes? Standard. I hardly think picking fabric qualifies as "designing".

I agree with you that reality has gotten out of control. Apparently as a society we are so voyeuristic we will watch nearly anything that makes us feel better about our own lives. And we must have a ferocious need to feel better about ourselves because our celebrity fascination is frightening. Is my ass really going to be happier when I use Brad Pitt toilet paper?

harmzie said...

Turn it off. Play with the donkey.

Or twitter!

Elizabeth aka APMonkey said...

I suppose part of it depends on how one defines "reality" TV. To me a reality show is one that is either a talent/game show (Dancing With The Stars, American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, etc.), a (non talent) competition/survival scenario (Survivor, The Mole, Amazing Race, The Biggest Loser, etc.), or a ridiculously contrived scenario padded out with D-List/has been celebrities (Big Brother, Help I'm A Celebrity, anything following celebrity newlyweds/couples, etc). Those, I don't watch.

I do, however, enjoy shows like The Deadliest Catch, Man vs. Wild and River Monsters. Though I'm sure the argument could be made that they technically fall into the reality genre, for some reason they just seem different to me, probably because the "reality" involved is DAMN real. There's nothing scripted or contrived about the events that occur; people could (and, unfortunately, do on Deadliest Catch) actually die the "reality" is so REAL.

Which is what I ultimately find so ironic about so-called "reality" tv.... there's very little about 99% of it that even remotely approaches reality as the rest of us know it.

Nenette AM said...

Reality TV makes me feel like sticking a fork in my eye and swishing it around a while bunch of times.

I'm totally with you on A&E and TLC. Where is the "art", and what are we "learning"?!

Nenette AM said...

'while' is supposed to be 'whole', btw.

AndreAnna said...

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand cue reason I don't watch reality TV (other than So You Think you Can Dance and Little People Big World - wholesome, right? ) because I'm sure my brain would implode and my family would find me on the floor, bleeding from the ears, muttering something about TLC.

kyooty said...

i had to plug in about 8 or 9 of those names just to figure out who you were talking about? The Kate and Jon thing? that's so weird it's freaky, and really no one's business. That lisa one? I think she had a HGTV show?

Jason Barber said...

You are so right about these reality shows. I watch a good few also. I started w/the Real World too. Season 3 was the best, which was the San Francisco season. After about Season 5 they started doing the type cast thing. You always have the country girl/virgin who has never been out of her small town, the Token Black Person, the gay person, the homophobe, and the wild person of the group.
As far as The Hills, it is a spinoff of Laguna Beach. Laguna Beach is supposedly the real version of the drama The OC.
Now you left off one reality show which I think is the best and that is Making the Band w/P.Diddy. That show is like a car/train wreck you can't take your eye off of.

Something must be wrong w/us as a society w/all of these reality shows. I guess it's the only thing drawing big ratings for the networks.

Andrea said...

Sarah --Im getting such a kick out of your blogs..
looking forward to meeting you soon!!
Love the walmart blog!!!!!!!!!!

Andrea :)

rudecactus said...

Our celebrity-obsessed culture bugs the hell out of me. So I bitch about it and then find myself surfing TMZ in the evenings. Yeah, I'm a fucking hypocrite.

Haley-O said...

I LOVE REALITY TV, and Y&R. I'm all about the TRASH...... I do NOT however watch Jon&Kate. I was NEVER interested in that, and am still not.

Even though I love trash TV, still twinz? ;)

Karen from Mentor said...

Sarah,
This was LOL funny. My eyes glazed over for the list of D or F? celebrities withreal or imagined or wanna be reality shows...not because you weren't still being really entertaining with your feathers all sticking out at right angles like that, but because I don't KNOW who any of those folks are and (shocking statement coming up, brace yourself) I really don't care. LOL

Don't watch reality tv. I've had enough drama in my own freakin life to last me forever thank you very much.
I now spend the time I would have wasted watching mindless tv on my yoga mat.
I know. I know..but late in my fourth decade (love that phrase, stole it from a friend) I no longer have to be trendy and keep up with what the kids are talking about to be cool. That ship sailed, cool left the building like Elvis for me when I was in my thirties(?). LOL

Thanks for the RANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Karen :)

P.S. now you've made me sing the green acres theme...may you stub your toe on something squishy