Tuesday, June 30, 2009

I Want My Blog To Be a Book. And Then The Book To Be A Movie. And The Movie Will Star Isla Fisher* As Me.

I think the title says it all...but all of you bloggers out there...please raise your hand if you have ever had any of the following thoughts:

1) My blog could be a book.
2) The book could totally be a movie.
3) Or at least a 6-part special on cable.
4) Ok. A 3-part special.
5) My blog is worth money. Also sometimes phrased as: that idiot sold his/her blog for HOW MUCH?
6) I am much more talented than he/she is.
7) I wish this wasn't a side-gig.
8) I love to write but damn it'd be sweet to make some money.
9) BITCH!!!

Anyone? Anyone?

So like, two months ago, maybe more, I saw the preview for Julie and Julia and I was all like...OMG I want to go see that movie. In fact, I even Tweeted about it!

But backtrack 100 years ago (or rather to 2005) whenever Julie Powell's humble little blog/experiment about cooking her way through Julia Childs' entire cookbook got turned into a book and I was all like "Bitch!!!" Not that I was blogging at the time because I wasn't. But I was writing. Maybe. Kinda. Sorta. I don't exactly remember - I mean once a writer always a writer but I don't remember if I was working on my novel yet or not and/or the cookbook I also have in progress because what kind of writer doesn't have at least 2 different books in progress at any one time except for published writers who are under deadline and under contract so they don't have to juggle multiple books in the air and oh yeah...where was I???

Oh yeah. BITCH. Cuz I cooked (and still do) all the time and OMG all I had to do was cook fucking 524 recipes in 365 days in 1 tiny apartment and I'd get published (and probably get fat)? WHY AREN'T YOU PEOPLE CLUING ME INTO WHAT I NEED TO KNOW???

Yes. Bitter was I. Like bad wine. Or lemons. Or crappy analogies. But over time, I got over it. Kinda. Sorta. Maybe. Cuz like I said - when I saw the preview for the movie, I was all excited to see it and all kinds of happy for Julie Powell. Kinda. Sorta. Maybe. But by this point in my life, I was a full-fledged BLOGGER and after getting warm and fuzzy for Julie P. I immediately thought: I want Isla Fisher to play me in the movie version of my blog...erm...life...erm blog...wait - what's the difference??

I mean can't you just see Isla leaving her shopaholic, NYC roots behind and moving to a farm in rural NC and:

Struggling like mad to order a simple iced coffee?

Birthing goats?

Castrating goats?

Hanging out at quasi-sketchy C&W bars?

Going to synagogue?

Attending a Monster Truck Jam?

Driving a bad-ass pick-up truck?

Falling in love with NASCAR?

Having a grand ol' time in general on the Farm?

Can't you see it? And somewhere in there is a role for Meryl Streep cuz she's such a versatile actress. I am picturing her as the owner of the local cafe and grill which serves the world's best chicken salad and in one CRITICAL 6-minute scene she dispenses CRUCIAL advice that helps me Isla acclimate to life in a small town and Meryl TOTALLY wins the Oscar and she's all like: Take that Dame Judi Dench. You thought you were such hot shit cuz you won an Oscar for your 8 minute turn in Shakespeare in Love. Well Hah! I won it for my 6 minute turn in If That Ain't Country. And you didn't even have David Allen Coe singing your theme song. BITCH!

And somewhere there are roles for Gabriel Byrne AND Nathan Fillion because WHY NOT? This is MY LIFE...I mean blog...I mean life...I mean...OH CRAP THIS IS MY BLOODY FANTASY AND IT'S STARRING GABRIEL BYRNE AND NATHAN FILLION SO STUFF IT! Oh - and definitely Jason Patric 'cuz he just totally bumped Tom Ford from my Freebie List. And Sam Shepard. Because he was awesome in Baby Boom and I think it's time he return to the big screen. Though nothing tops Diane Keaton having a nervous breakdown in front of her plumber and waking up on Sam Shephard's vet table. That shit is awesome. And for the record, I tweet my nervous breakdowns rather than have them. And my vet has a mobile unit. And isn't as cute as Sam Shepard. Though he is sweet. Wait - where was I? Oh yeah...

And if that ain't country, I'll kiss your...

* So MY choice is Isla Fisher. But I had lunch with somebody the other day who said I totally reminded him of Rachel Weisz. And oddly enough both women are in Definitely, Maybe - which is a movie I simply adore. Although my lunch companion wasn't a fan. But I love it. And I wouldn't kick Rachel Weisz out of bed for eating crackers. And didn't she win an Oscar or something? So yeah. Isla Fisher. Or Rachel Weisz. TOTALLY...

PS Second question for y'all: Who stars in the movie version of your blog...erm...life...erm blog...wait - what's the difference??


AndreAnna said...

Ok, I think I need to think about this and re-read this when I'm not buzzed. Be back.

Shelly Overlook said...

Mmmm, Nathan Fillion served on toast would be the perfect breakfast in bed!

Nenette AM said...

Hey, last year, I wrote a post about who would play me in a movie about me! I'm still sticking to Tia Carrere as me and Gerard Butler as Roomie. And it would be a romantic-comedy take on my life with a bit of erotica thrown in, of course. :)

Stella said...

Heck, girl and fellow country woman, Gabriel Byrne IS my blog: http://www.byrneholics.com
I guess if we made a movie of it, it would be his biography and my fantasy. Woo hoo!

Karen from Mentor said...

If you could get Julia Roberts and Melissa Gilbert to have a love child, that's who'd play me in a movie....

the whole red head, irish freckly girl next door but with LEGS thing....

I think you should just publish your blog as it stands...but your head would explode trying to figure out your favorites...the ones that you wanted to cram into the first 50 pages to GRAB the audience....

and speaking of grabbing? Will Smith, Tom Cavanaugh, Nathan (duh)
Paulo Costanzo and this cute young guy at the bookstore...oh no wait ...you said FANTASY list...tee hee...

Andrea Filone said...

I was thinking the same thing the whole time i was at your house...what a movie it would make. I see you in fabulous shoes --of course throughout the whole movie.
Hope you are well.