Friday, June 26, 2009

I Had Sex With The Sidewalk. Cuz I Like It Rough.

I am not a klutz - but I play one on TV in real life.

So yeah...Tuesday I'm in Asheville and I am all psyched to go for a personal-record-setting 5 mile run on the treadmill at my hotel and my coworker K (over a heavenly lunch at Rezaz where I scarfed down a grilled lamb burger with goat cheese and polenta fries which I so wasn't planning to eat but OMFG the smokey, tomatoey condiment that came slathered all over the fries was better than sex sooooo addictive and yummy) is all you're in Asheville and it's gorgeous why don't you go for a real run outdoors and enjoy some scenery and oh yeah it's like 10 degrees cooler here than where you live so won't that be a treat. Um - OK. So thanks to K and Google Maps I plan out a ~ 4 miler that has me starting from the intersection of Charlotte and Edwin, jogging down Charlotte til it dead ends into the Grove Park, jogging back, then jogging along Edwin which turns into Kimberly Avenue and which runs alongside the Grove Park golf course for a while and then some pretty homes.

Ok. So I start out. One - running on concrete - totally different than the treadmill, then the rail trail, then the track. Holy hell that crap is hard. Two - despite waiting til almost 6pm it was like 95 effing degrees when I started jogging. Ten degrees cooler my ass.

Still, the run starts out pleasant enough. Feet slapping the pavement in my shiny new Mizunos. No knee pain. 'Sall good.

So Edwin is downhill in the beginning and there's one place where it kind of loops around and you have to cross through a traffic light and that's where it turns into Kimberly. And I am running and trying to pay attention to the traffic light and the traffic (don't want to get hit by a car) and trying to figure out where to cross so I stay on the sidewalk (again - that whole I don't want to get hit by a car thing) and I don't know it's downhill and there's momentum and suddenly.....SPLAT. I fucking faceplant in the middle of Edwin/Kimberly. Oh My Fucking God.

So yes. I am utterly horrified. And I quickly pick myself up so as not to draw any attention to this utterly horrifying turn of events. And the first thing I do is grab my sunglasses (which went flying cuz remember, I'm running downhill) which are Ralph Lauren and which I got over Christmas and which I love love love to death because they are the most perfect sunglasses EVER and I normally don't run with them but I hadn't planned on running outside in the first place so I didn't bring my usual running glasses and I really didn't want my amazing perfect awesome sunglasses to be damaged and thank heavens they weren't. So yeah - that was TOTALLY my first thought.

Next thought? OUCH. Holy fucking hell that hurt. My palms are burning from where they scraped along the concrete. My left knee is hemorrhaging blood. My right elbow is bloody too. My iPod is dangling and scratched to shit. My stomach looks like I flew off of a motorcycle. My whole body is suffering that raw scrapy ouchy feeling that can only come from being rubbed up and down against concrete. So what do I do?

KEEP RUNNING. That's right baby. I've been bit by the running bug. HARD. And I was only 10 minutes into my run so I kept running. Burning palms, hemorrhaging knee. THE WORKS. And so yeah - for the record, Kimberly Avenue is like ONE GIANT UPHILL SLOPE IN BOTH FUCKING DIRECTIONS. OMFG that was like the hardest run ever - injuries notwithstanding.

So I finally complete my run and get to my car and finally have the opportunity to take serious stock of my wounds (which I didn't do when I fell because HELLO - didn't want peeps to see me or to realize that I had fallen or WHATEVER) and of course...I spend 5 minutes Tweeting about the whole damn thing:

Guess who complete faceplanted and ate it on her afternoon run through asheville...
6:33 PM Jun 23rd from TwitterBerry

...And who is now hemorrhaging from a hole in her left knee, dripping from a gash in her right elbow...
6:34 PM Jun 23rd from TwitterBerry

...And who won't be wearing a midriff baring top anytime soon courtesy of a lovely case of road rash on her stomach...
6:35 PM Jun 23rd from TwitterBerry

...And whose spiffy white new Mizunos now show signs of jogging carnage?
6:36 PM Jun 23rd from TwitterBerry

Hey - at least NO ONE saw it happen (I don't think...)
6:36 PM Jun 23rd from TwitterBerry

Ps Kimberly Avenue kicked my fucking ass. That road is one giant uphill slope - in both fucking directions....
6:37 PM Jun 23rd from TwitterBerry


Yes - I am a Twitter addict. Clearly. And yes - I don't think that anyone actually did see me because wouldn't that have been horrifying if someone had seen and been all like - Are you ok? And I'd be like NO NOT REALLY but leave me the fuck alone because this is mortifying...

So the run route was about 15 minutes from my hotel and so I get in the car to drive back to deal with my wounds but I pass a gas station and I figure I'll go in and wash some of the shiny red slick off my knee and buy some water and of course I pick the world's most disgusting gas station with the worst bathroom ever that has no paper towels and so I am dabbing at the gaping hole in my left knee with some wadded up wet toilet paper and it's not really helping so I get my water and leave.

And then the drive back takes forever cuz there's some construction on 26 and like 8 lanes of traffic merge into one and so I am literally parked for like 20 minutes and I keep staring at my knee and I'm like - Can't you people go any fucking faster because I am injured here? But of course no one could hear me. And at this point, I think the pain set in. As did the shock.

And I finally get to where I'm going and I bypass my hotel and go to the Ingles next door cuz there's a sign that says Pharmacy and I literally spend 10 minutes in the first aid aisle trying to figure out what to buy and I finally buy peroxide and some antibacterial no hurt foam crap and I don't buy band aids only cuz I remembered that I have a first aid kit in the car full of the fuckers but I do spend several minutes wondering if I should invest in those new high tech band aids and or some Barbie band aids (cuz wouldn't that be adorable) and I eventually pass on the band aids but like I said - it took 10 minutes.

And I finally finally finally limp into my room and sit down in the bathroom and start to clean my wounds and OMFG I seriously seriously injured myself. And by now full on shock has set in and I can't deal with the fact that it's nearly 8pm and I haven't showered and I have to wash my hair and OMFG my knee is killing me and OMFG is that skin or what because I didn't know skin could be this *squishy* and Holy Hell when will this fucker stop bleeding and OMFG am I the world's biggest klutz or what???

I could go on but I won't. Suffice it to say I woke up the next morning having bled through 3 layers of band aids. And after showering, washing the wound, and rebandaging it and bleeding through the band aids again in like, record time, I called Dr. Diva (who was driving to NYC to begin her vascular fellowship - hello smart sexy surgeon) to get her analysis. She asks me if I need stitches and I'm all like...there's nothing there to stitch. In fact, I have a fucking hole in my left knee cap. I need something to plug it up and stop the bleeding. And so she tells me to get some gauze and soak it in saline and plug the hole and then put on a Telfa pad or some other non-adherent pad and then more gauze to keep it in place and then an H-wrap to secure the whole business and keep my knee relatively immobile so that maybe it will scab up or something. And so I go back to Ingles and rattle off my list to the pharmacist and she's all like - yeah, we don't have that stuff. Though she did offer me some contact lens solution cuz that's like saline and all.

But she did suggest the hospital (NO) and then she suggested Urgent Care and I'm all like: what's Urgent Care? And so she tells me about Urgent Care and turns out there's one not too far away so I call and explain my sitch and the lovely woman tells me to come right in and so I do and they totally treat me EXACTLY how Dr. Diva recommended (woman is a total genius - I am telling you) except...

UC Doc: Would you like a tetanus shot?
Me: Um...not really..why?
UC Doc: Well, whenever anyone gets a wound or scrape, we recommend a tetanus shot if they haven't had one within the last 10 years. When did you have your last tetanus shot?
Me: Um...no idea.
UC Doc: So would you like one?
Me: Is it required?
UC Doc: No. But it's recommended.
Me: What happens if I don't get the shot?
UC Doc: Well - you might get tetanus.
Me: What are the symptoms? Cuz maybe I won't get the shot now but I'll get it if I start showing signs of tetanus. So what are the symptoms?
UC Doc. Lockjaw. Death.
Me: I'll take the shot.

So I got the shot, I got bandaged up, I got a goodie bag full of more supplies so I could re-dress the wound on my own, and I got no drugs. All for a $25 co-pay. Thank God for health insurance. And Thank God I didn't break anything (like my face or my hip or my wrist). And Thank God I didn't hit my head.

And now I've debated for like 10 minutes whether or not to post the pictures BECAUSE I TOTALLY TOOK PICTURES 'cuz that's how I roll and I was showing them to peeps last night and OMFG they are rather horrifying but they are also kind of awesome if you're into blood and jogging carnage and rough sex with concrete.

And so yeah...if you're really into that sort of thing - click here.

Otherwise, my knee is oozy. I need to change my dressing.

And if that ain't country, I'll kiss your...

PS So this is my left knee. The same fucking knee that caused me all those problems a month or 2 ago. Think the running Gods are trying to tell me something? Yeah - I don't either.

PPS You know what pisses me off the most? My fucking brand new, shiny white Mizuons are no longer shiny white.

9 comments:

justine said...

The perils of the Country Girl running in the Big City. Of Asheville. :)

Nenette AM said...

OMG, girlfriend, I totally feel for you and hope you feel better and that your scraped and painful bodyparts heal soon.
I must admit though you had me giggling-madly through your narrative.
Why in the world did you continue to jog after the slaughter?! I know, I know, the addiction, but THE BLOOD, girl!!!
xo

kyooty said...

Oh you really roughed that knee up good didn't you? remember when we were kids? and we learned to drive bikes and we'd be driving like a bat out of hell down a hill and hit concrete? yeah ahd our parents would say "oh it's Ok you're fine here's a bandaid" and it's all betteR? yeah that doesn't seem to happen in the late 20's and up does it? no I think this calls for drinkypoos!

AndreAnna said...

Gah-mothereffing-ross. Why did I click that?

It looks so painful. I hope you're feeling better.

Booze and vicodin are not recommended in unison, right?

Elizabeth aka @APMonkey said...

Damn, you weren't kidding about it being HOLE in your knee... and you kept running? That's hardcore!

Karen from Mentor said...

Loved the post...looked at the pic...YIKES!!! still loved the post...sorry I looked at the pic....I think you hurt yourself just to upstage my posting of my bloody bloody knife wound didn't you? You are such a memememememe.
Seriously though? I hope it heals well and doesn't mar your gams.
Cause...you need to wear that dress a lot more times to get your money's worth. Although a barbie bandage WOULD go with the dress.
Karen :)

harmzie said...

I read all the comments. I saw "aaa why did I look at that?" and "eww!" and "OMG the blood, the carnage, won't somebody think of the children?"

And then I looked anyway. Ouch.

So I totally hear you about the sunglasses. Once I fell off a horse and got a huge gash in my hip and all I could think about was that the fucking hip would heal, but I'd ruined my *bested* *stylingest* pair of jeans. And that pissed me off more than anything. So yeah. Save the RLs.

Keep up with the dressing swaps. Get well soon!

ash said...

sweet jebus....

Haley-O said...

SERIOUSLY: "Why are all of People's hottest bachelor's, like, 12?"

FEEL BETTER! OMG! OUCH! (And I'm watching True Blood right now. Thankyouverymuch!)