Tuesday, June 30, 2009

I Want My Blog To Be a Book. And Then The Book To Be A Movie. And The Movie Will Star Isla Fisher* As Me.

I think the title says it all...but all of you bloggers out there...please raise your hand if you have ever had any of the following thoughts:

1) My blog could be a book.
2) The book could totally be a movie.
3) Or at least a 6-part special on cable.
4) Ok. A 3-part special.
5) My blog is worth money. Also sometimes phrased as: that idiot sold his/her blog for HOW MUCH?
6) I am much more talented than he/she is.
7) I wish this wasn't a side-gig.
8) I love to write but damn it'd be sweet to make some money.
9) BITCH!!!

Anyone? Anyone?

So like, two months ago, maybe more, I saw the preview for Julie and Julia and I was all like...OMG I want to go see that movie. In fact, I even Tweeted about it!

But backtrack 100 years ago (or rather to 2005) whenever Julie Powell's humble little blog/experiment about cooking her way through Julia Childs' entire cookbook got turned into a book and I was all like "Bitch!!!" Not that I was blogging at the time because I wasn't. But I was writing. Maybe. Kinda. Sorta. I don't exactly remember - I mean once a writer always a writer but I don't remember if I was working on my novel yet or not and/or the cookbook I also have in progress because what kind of writer doesn't have at least 2 different books in progress at any one time except for published writers who are under deadline and under contract so they don't have to juggle multiple books in the air and oh yeah...where was I???

Oh yeah. BITCH. Cuz I cooked (and still do) all the time and OMG all I had to do was cook fucking 524 recipes in 365 days in 1 tiny apartment and I'd get published (and probably get fat)? WHY AREN'T YOU PEOPLE CLUING ME INTO WHAT I NEED TO KNOW???

Yes. Bitter was I. Like bad wine. Or lemons. Or crappy analogies. But over time, I got over it. Kinda. Sorta. Maybe. Cuz like I said - when I saw the preview for the movie, I was all excited to see it and all kinds of happy for Julie Powell. Kinda. Sorta. Maybe. But by this point in my life, I was a full-fledged BLOGGER and after getting warm and fuzzy for Julie P. I immediately thought: I want Isla Fisher to play me in the movie version of my blog...erm...life...erm blog...wait - what's the difference??

I mean can't you just see Isla leaving her shopaholic, NYC roots behind and moving to a farm in rural NC and:

Struggling like mad to order a simple iced coffee?

Birthing goats?

Castrating goats?

Hanging out at quasi-sketchy C&W bars?

Going to synagogue?

Attending a Monster Truck Jam?

Driving a bad-ass pick-up truck?

Falling in love with NASCAR?

Having a grand ol' time in general on the Farm?

Can't you see it? And somewhere in there is a role for Meryl Streep cuz she's such a versatile actress. I am picturing her as the owner of the local cafe and grill which serves the world's best chicken salad and in one CRITICAL 6-minute scene she dispenses CRUCIAL advice that helps me Isla acclimate to life in a small town and Meryl TOTALLY wins the Oscar and she's all like: Take that Dame Judi Dench. You thought you were such hot shit cuz you won an Oscar for your 8 minute turn in Shakespeare in Love. Well Hah! I won it for my 6 minute turn in If That Ain't Country. And you didn't even have David Allen Coe singing your theme song. BITCH!

And somewhere there are roles for Gabriel Byrne AND Nathan Fillion because WHY NOT? This is MY LIFE...I mean blog...I mean life...I mean...OH CRAP THIS IS MY BLOODY FANTASY AND IT'S STARRING GABRIEL BYRNE AND NATHAN FILLION SO STUFF IT! Oh - and definitely Jason Patric 'cuz he just totally bumped Tom Ford from my Freebie List. And Sam Shepard. Because he was awesome in Baby Boom and I think it's time he return to the big screen. Though nothing tops Diane Keaton having a nervous breakdown in front of her plumber and waking up on Sam Shephard's vet table. That shit is awesome. And for the record, I tweet my nervous breakdowns rather than have them. And my vet has a mobile unit. And isn't as cute as Sam Shepard. Though he is sweet. Wait - where was I? Oh yeah...

And if that ain't country, I'll kiss your...

* So MY choice is Isla Fisher. But I had lunch with somebody the other day who said I totally reminded him of Rachel Weisz. And oddly enough both women are in Definitely, Maybe - which is a movie I simply adore. Although my lunch companion wasn't a fan. But I love it. And I wouldn't kick Rachel Weisz out of bed for eating crackers. And didn't she win an Oscar or something? So yeah. Isla Fisher. Or Rachel Weisz. TOTALLY...

PS Second question for y'all: Who stars in the movie version of your blog...erm...life...erm blog...wait - what's the difference??

Monday, June 29, 2009

I Want To Be Mary W. When I Grow Up

I want to be Mary W. when I grow up. You want to know why? Because Mary W. (henceforth known as Mary because 1) this isn't an AA meeting and 2) I think after typing her name more than twice you get that she is the ONLY Mary I am referring to in this post and 3) y'all are smart cookies and 4) I only used the initial because I didn't want to write her real name because while I may choose to live my life very publicly I also know how to respect the privacy of others) is BAD-ASS!

Mary is in her mid-60s and yet...she txts (and yes, for the record, that is how I write that word - even when I am not txting), she is on Facebook, she is on TWITTER people. In fact, when she was trying to reach me the other day...she TWEETED me because she assumed I would have the Crackberry glued to my hands (as I am prone to do). Oh Miss Mary...

She is also the consummate hostess. As soon as we discovered our shared love of wine in general and sauvignon blancs from Marlborough in particular, she invited me over for a "tasting." When I showed up on that Sunday afternoon, there were not 1, not 2, but 3 bottles of SB (yes I am lazy but you try to keep on typing sauvignon over and over and over again - it's a giant flipping pain in the ass - and yes - notice my use of the word flipping - I am trying to clean up my language because as dad pointed out I had 13 f-bombs in my post the other day and well, I'm not so sure that's something to exactly be proud of) for us to taste. And of course we didn't just taste willy-nilly. They were laid out in proper order so we could go from lightest to heaviest. And on top of the wines she had like 2 or 3 spreads, crackers, 4 cheeses, bread, and Lord knows what else. But it was a lot. And it was GORGEOUS. And the linens were freshly pressed and the crystal was real crystal and the silver was sparkly....Oh Miss Mary...you are the best.

Mary is known for her party throwing skills. In fact, she is famous for her Kentucky Derby parties but she will consider a fete for any of the Triple Crown races. Witness this email I received when I told her I was thinking of doing something for the Belmont Stakes:

Last year I did it as a Triple Crown and had representative foods from all three races. Tenderloin marinated in bourbon (Derby) or tenderloin rolled in herbs and done cocktail size, Carnegie Deli cheesecake for dessert with strawberries and whipped cream on the side (optional), Derby Pie, made crabcakes (Preakness) with a couple different sauces right off the stovetop for everyone to come by and get hot out of the skillet, then filled in with a savory cheesecake with crackers, salads, a silver tray of fried chicken wings (Preakness), marinated shrimp (Preakness) and then folks brought salads and other things. If I'm doing only Belmont I usually feature tenderloin but not marinated in bourbon or a summer tenderloin or strip steak spiced island salad done right off the stovetop but has to be a small group.

I mean seriously - do you not LOVE this woman already?

So Mary and I are working together on a massive-grand-scale-the-likes-of-which-this-town-has-never-seen benefit for the Lincoln County Historical Association this fall and this weekend was all about "working on the benefit." It started Saturday night when Mary picked me up and we headed to Youssef 242 in Hickory for dinner. The massive-grand-scale-the-likes-of-which-this-town-has-never-seen benefit is actually a tasting event (hence the name TASTE '09) and we are looking to get various restaurants/chefs in the region to participate. Youssef 242 is one of the best restaurants in Hickory - in fact, it's one of the best in the entire area and we would LOVE LOVE LOVE for them to be there. We had sent a letter inviting them but had no response and so forcing ourselves to dine there and hopefully talk to the chef seemed like a small price to pay...

I was thinking I'd have a glass of wine, eat dinner and then ask to speak to the chef. But pretty much as soon as we were seated and had our first glass of vino in hand (and this is another reason why I love Mary - she is not afraid to ask to taste a wine before ordering and in fact she tasted 2 whites neither of which she cared for before ordering one of her faves, the Bel Glos Pinot Noir - and yes - pinot is a helluva lot easier to type than flipping sauvignon), Mary boldly told the waitress that we would like to speak to chef Andrew Roth if he was in the restaurant and available and about 45 seconds later, he was table side. Oh Miss Mary...

So we made our pitch and then promptly dove into a DELICIOUS DINNER OMG WAS IT GOOD. We split a lovely wood-grilled Caesar salad and they even plated it on 2 plates and gave us extra breadstick crouton thingies which was nice because the crouton breadstick thingies were really, really good! And then I had a ribeye (I can't tell you the last time I had steak. Really. I used to eat it once a week. Or more. But it's been AGES. OMG it was soooooo goooood!) with garlic-chive whipped potatoes and a glass of 20 Bench Cab and Mary had a seared tuna over a yummy succotash that had sweet potatoes. And then I was feeling sooooooo indulgent that I ordered Oreo cheesecake for dessert and the chef re-appeared to inquire about our swoon-worthy dinner and he insisted on adding a scoop of home-made Oreo ice cream to the cheesecake because apparently one can never have too many Oreos with dessert (who am I to argue this point?) and so yes....THIS WAS WORK! We called it dining reconnaissance. PS We invited 32 chefs to participate in the massive-grand-scale-the-likes-of-which-this-town-has-never-seen benefit and so I see a lot of dinners with Miss Mary in my future. PPS Y'all need to get your butts up to Youssef 242. That place ROCKS. And I am not just sucking up in hopes that they will participate in TASTE. I genuinely mean it. Although I am also sucking up just a tad...

And as if that was NOT ENOUGH...Sunday we tackled the wines. So far four wineries are on board to participate: my beloved Gundlach Bundschu, Childress, Estancia, and Fransiscan. We had 4 whites and 6 reds total to taste and Mary put together an insane tasting. Each wine was on its own silver dish, cork to the right. They were set up in order of lightest to heaviest. There were bland cheeses and bread to keep us mildly sober clear our palettes. There were little carafes to pour out the undrunk wines. There were FRESH FLOWERS people. Freshly pressed linens. Real crystal. TASTING NOTES FOR EACH AND EVERY WINE! I mean...for me a wine tasting means sitting around and drinking too much wine. But Miss Mary takes her business SERIOUSLY. I was floored. And of course, despite the fact that this was serious business, we totally had fun because this is Miss Mary we are talking about and as I have said...the woman is a total ROCKSTAR.

And I know I said I respected other people's privacy but to Hell with it - I am posting a picture of me and Miss Mary because, OMG - how could I not?



Doesn't she look like an awesome, devilish, little minx? 'Cuz she totally is!

And so by the way - this picture of us was taken at an archaeological dig. I know right - INSANE!

And if that ain't country, I'll kiss your...

PS This is only a FRACTION of what makes Miss Mary completely AMAZING and TALENTED. We'll have to address the rest in about...1019 additional posts.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

My Week In Tweets: June 21 - June 27

Happy Father's Day Twitterverse (and especially @MarshallKarp! Luv Ya! MWAH!)
10:35 AM Jun 21st from web

Miley Cyrus? Seriously? Will there always be another mountain to move honey? Cuz you are 16 - you don't know from mountains. *sigh*
11:20 AM Jun 21st from TwitterBerry

Michelle Pfeiffer jazz hands...OMG...
4:14 PM Jun 21st from web

Why are all of People's hottest bachelor's, like, 12?
5:33 PM Jun 21st from web

Ok...Love Will Turn Back the Hands of Time is genius! Maxwell Caulfied in a silver leather jumpsuit? GENIUS.
5:41 PM Jun 21st from web

is Sunday blue...
9:24 PM Jun 21st from TwitterBerry

Today's mantra (courtesy @Harmzie): "Suck it up princess." Aye aye cap'n!
6:33 AM Jun 22nd from TwitterBerry

Ok. My car is seriously too dirty for words....
7:05 AM Jun 22nd from TwitterBerry

Just wrote the most perfect blog post in my head while driving...really hoping to recreate the genius when I am actually in front of my PC
8:16 AM Jun 22nd from TwitterBerry

FUCK! My iPod just froze. This SUCKS.
9:18 AM Jun 22nd from TwitterBerry

Counting down til I can slip on my Mizunos and go for a 5 mile run b/c otherwise I think my head will *EXPLODE* #bringitonmondaybringit
9:34 AM Jun 22nd from TwitterBerry

Thank you genius Apple dude for resetting my beloved ipod. Thank you. Was only mildly panicked....
10:10 AM Jun 22nd from TwitterBerry

Now if only I can exit the mall without being distracted by SALE SALE SALE pretty dress new lipgloss SALE 60% off cute sandals SALE SALE
10:11 AM Jun 22nd from TwitterBerry

I hate iced Americanos. HATE. Damn you Starbucks...
10:18 AM Jun 22nd from TwitterBerry

30 minutes on the elliptical + serious sweat = my head NOT *exploding* However #stillslightlystabby #workinprogress
6:01 PM Jun 22nd from TwitterBerry

OMFG - my car is so dirty I can't even deal....
8:58 AM Jun 23rd from TwitterBerry

In other random unrelated news, my animals are utterly adorable and I am mildly obsessed.....
8:59 AM Jun 23rd from TwitterBerry

Guess who complete faceplanted and ate it on her afternoon run through asheville...
6:33 PM Jun 23rd from TwitterBerry

...And who is now hemmoraghing from a hole in her left knee, dripping from a gash in her right elbow...
6:34 PM Jun 23rd from TwitterBerry

...And who won't be wearing a midriff baring top anytime soon courtesy of a lovely case of road rash on her stomach...
6:35 PM Jun 23rd from TwitterBerry

...And whose spiffy white new Mizunos now show signs of jogging carnage?
6:36 PM Jun 23rd from TwitterBerry

Hey - at least NO ONE saw it happen (I don't think...)
6:36 PM Jun 23rd from TwitterBerry

Ps Kimberly Avenue kicked my fucking ass. That road is one giant uphill slope - in both fucking directions....
6:37 PM Jun 23rd from TwitterBerry

Just scared a small child at the gas station with my gushing wound and the shiny red slick running down my left leg....
6:59 PM Jun 23rd from TwitterBerry

seriously...i don't think skin is supposed to feel this *squishy* #holyhelliminpain
7:36 PM Jun 23rd from web

3 Advil. Bed. #holyhelliminpain
10:06 PM Jun 23rd from web

After consulting @Mrs_Westwick I'm off to urgent care. Can't find saline and Telfa @ the local pharma....sigh
10:00 AM Jun 24th from TwitterBerry

Based on the size of the dressing on my knee you'd think I broke it....holy cow. At least I can walk......
10:41 AM Jun 24th from TwitterBerry

Trickiest part of supersized knee dressing? Getting in and out of the car.....serious challenge....
11:27 AM Jun 24th from TwitterBerry

Sorry to bitch Twitterverse but 10,000 layers of gauze and ace bandage in 85+ degree heat is making me cranky...
3:40 PM Jun 24th from web

Taking deep breaths and trying not to have a mental breakdown...............
8:13 PM Jun 24th from TwitterBerry

Trying to be zen and failing fucking miserably......
8:25 PM Jun 24th from TwitterBerry

Knee pain is making me stabby.....everything else is making me *mildly* mental....
9:12 PM Jun 24th from TwitterBerry

OMG - for about 2 minutes, I forgot about my knee. PROGRESS.
7:35 AM Jun 25th from web

Will someone remind me to pls stop coming to the Food Lion in Maiden? This is the worst grocery store in the universes.....
2:59 PM Jun 25th from TwitterBerry

Universe. I meant universe....
3:01 PM Jun 25th from TwitterBerry

Question for you: Who out there still writes checks.....for groceries? OMG....seriously? #ihatefoodlion
3:03 PM Jun 25th from TwitterBerry

I iz sooooo sexy in my denim mini and H-wrap....
4:04 PM Jun 25th from web

My sleepy lil town is about to get woke up....ROCK ON L-TON....ROCK ON!!!!!!!
5:47 PM Jun 25th from TwitterBerry

And they said it couldn't be done....HAH......
6:53 PM Jun 25th from TwitterBerry

Bohemian Rhapsody? Seriously? #badkaraokesongs
12:24 AM Jun 26th from TwitterBerry

Hates fake blondes with fake boobs and fake tans. Just sayin'....
1:03 AM Jun 26th from TwitterBerry

PS I LOVE real blondes. Especially ones with real boobs. And real tans. But I'll let a fake 'n bake pass if the color is good....
1:04 AM Jun 26th from TwitterBerry

Holy hell its red in here.....damn....love thursdays @ TWs # WTFF
1:30 AM Jun 26th from TwitterBerry

Ok - if you were my phone charger - where would you be?????
10:27 AM Jun 26th from TwitterBerry

So the UPS totally knows he's delivering wine and what does he do? Slides the box through the door like's going for the 7-10 split. NICE!
11:03 AM Jun 26th from TwitterBerry

is relishing the peace and quiet....BLISS....
2:50 PM Jun 26th from web

So Jason Patric has been hiding in a 400 degree oven for the last 10 yrs b/c OMG he's HOT! Who knew?
9:42 PM Jun 26th from TwitterBerry

And yes - I know that was sooooooo cheesy (like Velveeta cheesy) but it's so true......
9:43 PM Jun 26th from TwitterBerry

My knee is oozy. It's totally grossing me out.
10:07 PM Jun 26th from TwitterBerry

Holy Hell - we are being gassed on HWY 73....what is this STENCH? It's OVERPOWERING!!!!
10:35 PM Jun 26th from TwitterBerry

Is cranky as Hell. Being woken up @ 2:30am will do that to a girl... #WTFF
2:37 AM Jun 27th from TwitterBerry

I love my cat but OMG if he doesn't stop howling....it's 3am dude....please....for the love of my sanity....
2:54 AM Jun 27th from TwitterBerry

Apparently I live in Grand Central Station...and the fact that I am STILL awrake after being rudely ripped from slumber an hour ago...
3:29 AM Jun 27th from web

...let's just say I'm a tad cranky.
3:29 AM Jun 27th from web

Bordering on insanely apoplectic.
3:30 AM Jun 27th from web

I wonder if I Tweet enough will the extreme rage subside and will I once again be embraced by blessed and much needed slumber?
3:44 AM Jun 27th from web

Somehow I think I need something stronger than Twitter...
3:45 AM Jun 27th from web

Has now added a plastic bag to the 15 layers of shit wrapped around my seeping knee.....so yeah....being a klutz totally blows....
11:53 AM Jun 27th from TwitterBerry

Sampling Baked Lays new flavor Southwestern Ranch. Kind of repulsive, kind of not.
1:27 PM Jun 27th from TwitterBerry

Sooooo looking forward to dinner with @felinefrenzy. And vino. Looking forward to vino.....
5:14 PM Jun 27th from TwitterBerry

Is finally feeling sane after an amazing dinner with @felinefrenzy. Wood-grilled caeser, ribeye, lush cab and lots of Oreos. #YUMMY!
9:17 PM Jun 27th from TwitterBerry

SOLITUDE...........SWEEEEEEEEEEEET!!!!!!!!
9:49 PM Jun 27th from web

Glass of merlot, 2 sweet kitties, screened in porch, chirping crickets, calm summer night, peace, quiet, solitude, bliss....
10:50 PM Jun 27th from TwitterBerry

Did I mention the utter bliss? Cuz yeah.....Oh my.....heaven.......
11:00 PM Jun 27th from TwitterBerry

And if that ain't country, I'll kiss your...

Friday, June 26, 2009

I Had Sex With The Sidewalk. Cuz I Like It Rough.

I am not a klutz - but I play one on TV in real life.

So yeah...Tuesday I'm in Asheville and I am all psyched to go for a personal-record-setting 5 mile run on the treadmill at my hotel and my coworker K (over a heavenly lunch at Rezaz where I scarfed down a grilled lamb burger with goat cheese and polenta fries which I so wasn't planning to eat but OMFG the smokey, tomatoey condiment that came slathered all over the fries was better than sex sooooo addictive and yummy) is all you're in Asheville and it's gorgeous why don't you go for a real run outdoors and enjoy some scenery and oh yeah it's like 10 degrees cooler here than where you live so won't that be a treat. Um - OK. So thanks to K and Google Maps I plan out a ~ 4 miler that has me starting from the intersection of Charlotte and Edwin, jogging down Charlotte til it dead ends into the Grove Park, jogging back, then jogging along Edwin which turns into Kimberly Avenue and which runs alongside the Grove Park golf course for a while and then some pretty homes.

Ok. So I start out. One - running on concrete - totally different than the treadmill, then the rail trail, then the track. Holy hell that crap is hard. Two - despite waiting til almost 6pm it was like 95 effing degrees when I started jogging. Ten degrees cooler my ass.

Still, the run starts out pleasant enough. Feet slapping the pavement in my shiny new Mizunos. No knee pain. 'Sall good.

So Edwin is downhill in the beginning and there's one place where it kind of loops around and you have to cross through a traffic light and that's where it turns into Kimberly. And I am running and trying to pay attention to the traffic light and the traffic (don't want to get hit by a car) and trying to figure out where to cross so I stay on the sidewalk (again - that whole I don't want to get hit by a car thing) and I don't know it's downhill and there's momentum and suddenly.....SPLAT. I fucking faceplant in the middle of Edwin/Kimberly. Oh My Fucking God.

So yes. I am utterly horrified. And I quickly pick myself up so as not to draw any attention to this utterly horrifying turn of events. And the first thing I do is grab my sunglasses (which went flying cuz remember, I'm running downhill) which are Ralph Lauren and which I got over Christmas and which I love love love to death because they are the most perfect sunglasses EVER and I normally don't run with them but I hadn't planned on running outside in the first place so I didn't bring my usual running glasses and I really didn't want my amazing perfect awesome sunglasses to be damaged and thank heavens they weren't. So yeah - that was TOTALLY my first thought.

Next thought? OUCH. Holy fucking hell that hurt. My palms are burning from where they scraped along the concrete. My left knee is hemorrhaging blood. My right elbow is bloody too. My iPod is dangling and scratched to shit. My stomach looks like I flew off of a motorcycle. My whole body is suffering that raw scrapy ouchy feeling that can only come from being rubbed up and down against concrete. So what do I do?

KEEP RUNNING. That's right baby. I've been bit by the running bug. HARD. And I was only 10 minutes into my run so I kept running. Burning palms, hemorrhaging knee. THE WORKS. And so yeah - for the record, Kimberly Avenue is like ONE GIANT UPHILL SLOPE IN BOTH FUCKING DIRECTIONS. OMFG that was like the hardest run ever - injuries notwithstanding.

So I finally complete my run and get to my car and finally have the opportunity to take serious stock of my wounds (which I didn't do when I fell because HELLO - didn't want peeps to see me or to realize that I had fallen or WHATEVER) and of course...I spend 5 minutes Tweeting about the whole damn thing:

Guess who complete faceplanted and ate it on her afternoon run through asheville...
6:33 PM Jun 23rd from TwitterBerry

...And who is now hemorrhaging from a hole in her left knee, dripping from a gash in her right elbow...
6:34 PM Jun 23rd from TwitterBerry

...And who won't be wearing a midriff baring top anytime soon courtesy of a lovely case of road rash on her stomach...
6:35 PM Jun 23rd from TwitterBerry

...And whose spiffy white new Mizunos now show signs of jogging carnage?
6:36 PM Jun 23rd from TwitterBerry

Hey - at least NO ONE saw it happen (I don't think...)
6:36 PM Jun 23rd from TwitterBerry

Ps Kimberly Avenue kicked my fucking ass. That road is one giant uphill slope - in both fucking directions....
6:37 PM Jun 23rd from TwitterBerry


Yes - I am a Twitter addict. Clearly. And yes - I don't think that anyone actually did see me because wouldn't that have been horrifying if someone had seen and been all like - Are you ok? And I'd be like NO NOT REALLY but leave me the fuck alone because this is mortifying...

So the run route was about 15 minutes from my hotel and so I get in the car to drive back to deal with my wounds but I pass a gas station and I figure I'll go in and wash some of the shiny red slick off my knee and buy some water and of course I pick the world's most disgusting gas station with the worst bathroom ever that has no paper towels and so I am dabbing at the gaping hole in my left knee with some wadded up wet toilet paper and it's not really helping so I get my water and leave.

And then the drive back takes forever cuz there's some construction on 26 and like 8 lanes of traffic merge into one and so I am literally parked for like 20 minutes and I keep staring at my knee and I'm like - Can't you people go any fucking faster because I am injured here? But of course no one could hear me. And at this point, I think the pain set in. As did the shock.

And I finally get to where I'm going and I bypass my hotel and go to the Ingles next door cuz there's a sign that says Pharmacy and I literally spend 10 minutes in the first aid aisle trying to figure out what to buy and I finally buy peroxide and some antibacterial no hurt foam crap and I don't buy band aids only cuz I remembered that I have a first aid kit in the car full of the fuckers but I do spend several minutes wondering if I should invest in those new high tech band aids and or some Barbie band aids (cuz wouldn't that be adorable) and I eventually pass on the band aids but like I said - it took 10 minutes.

And I finally finally finally limp into my room and sit down in the bathroom and start to clean my wounds and OMFG I seriously seriously injured myself. And by now full on shock has set in and I can't deal with the fact that it's nearly 8pm and I haven't showered and I have to wash my hair and OMFG my knee is killing me and OMFG is that skin or what because I didn't know skin could be this *squishy* and Holy Hell when will this fucker stop bleeding and OMFG am I the world's biggest klutz or what???

I could go on but I won't. Suffice it to say I woke up the next morning having bled through 3 layers of band aids. And after showering, washing the wound, and rebandaging it and bleeding through the band aids again in like, record time, I called Dr. Diva (who was driving to NYC to begin her vascular fellowship - hello smart sexy surgeon) to get her analysis. She asks me if I need stitches and I'm all like...there's nothing there to stitch. In fact, I have a fucking hole in my left knee cap. I need something to plug it up and stop the bleeding. And so she tells me to get some gauze and soak it in saline and plug the hole and then put on a Telfa pad or some other non-adherent pad and then more gauze to keep it in place and then an H-wrap to secure the whole business and keep my knee relatively immobile so that maybe it will scab up or something. And so I go back to Ingles and rattle off my list to the pharmacist and she's all like - yeah, we don't have that stuff. Though she did offer me some contact lens solution cuz that's like saline and all.

But she did suggest the hospital (NO) and then she suggested Urgent Care and I'm all like: what's Urgent Care? And so she tells me about Urgent Care and turns out there's one not too far away so I call and explain my sitch and the lovely woman tells me to come right in and so I do and they totally treat me EXACTLY how Dr. Diva recommended (woman is a total genius - I am telling you) except...

UC Doc: Would you like a tetanus shot?
Me: Um...not really..why?
UC Doc: Well, whenever anyone gets a wound or scrape, we recommend a tetanus shot if they haven't had one within the last 10 years. When did you have your last tetanus shot?
Me: Um...no idea.
UC Doc: So would you like one?
Me: Is it required?
UC Doc: No. But it's recommended.
Me: What happens if I don't get the shot?
UC Doc: Well - you might get tetanus.
Me: What are the symptoms? Cuz maybe I won't get the shot now but I'll get it if I start showing signs of tetanus. So what are the symptoms?
UC Doc. Lockjaw. Death.
Me: I'll take the shot.

So I got the shot, I got bandaged up, I got a goodie bag full of more supplies so I could re-dress the wound on my own, and I got no drugs. All for a $25 co-pay. Thank God for health insurance. And Thank God I didn't break anything (like my face or my hip or my wrist). And Thank God I didn't hit my head.

And now I've debated for like 10 minutes whether or not to post the pictures BECAUSE I TOTALLY TOOK PICTURES 'cuz that's how I roll and I was showing them to peeps last night and OMFG they are rather horrifying but they are also kind of awesome if you're into blood and jogging carnage and rough sex with concrete.

And so yeah...if you're really into that sort of thing - click here.

Otherwise, my knee is oozy. I need to change my dressing.

And if that ain't country, I'll kiss your...

PS So this is my left knee. The same fucking knee that caused me all those problems a month or 2 ago. Think the running Gods are trying to tell me something? Yeah - I don't either.

PPS You know what pisses me off the most? My fucking brand new, shiny white Mizuons are no longer shiny white.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Cause Every Day Is Father's Day

So boy did I feel like an asshole Sunday night when I finally had a chance to open up my Google Reader and there were like, 15 unread blog posts staring me in the face...and ALL OF THEM were in honor of Father's Day. What did I post on Sunday? My usual Week In Tweets. Though I did call dad as soon as I got up Sunday morning and wished him a Happy Father's Day. AND I even sent him a card this year...I don't think I have done that since I was a teenager.

So anyways, to make me feel further guilty about my lack of a Father's Day post, I did have enough good sense on Mother's Day to write about Mom and so I was feeling especially assholey when it occured to me...I don't need Hallmark to tell me when to celebrate my father. And didn't I just write about Dad and participate in his Blog Tour? Take that Hallmark and the Blogosphere. I am not going to be conventional and celebrate Dad on his designated day. I have already celebrated him and will continue to do so when the mood strikes. Not because some holiday dictates that it must be so.

Well, Monday morning I checked my most new favorite blog, In Three Words and the subject was: Your Dad. Well, I live for commenting on In Three Words and so I racked my overtired brain for 3 words to describe Dad. Here are some of what I came up with:

* My daily inspiration

* Love to death

* Amazing wonderful man

* Makes me laugh

* Can't live without


Anyways, nothing felt right and I couldn't decide and I was late to get on the road (story of my life these days) and so I figured I'd noodle on it and comment later and sure enough when I got home Monday night and opened up Google Reader there was In Three Words and suddenly it came to me. My Dad in 3 words? Here's what I wrote:

Not enough words

Because it's not. Three words are simply not enough to describe how much I love my father, how much he means to be, how much he inspires me, how much I treasure him, how much I fear him not being in my life one day, how much I depend on him, how much he amazes me, how he always makes me laugh, how he doesn't judge my chronic occasional screw-ups, how he pushes me to be better than I am, how he never makes me feel like I don't deserve everything I have, how much he understands me, how much he supports me, how much I worry about him, how he always know just what to say, how much he loves me back, and the list goes on. I am sorry. I really do love In Three Words and I agree - you can say alot with just 3 words. But when it comes to Dad - 3 words is simply not enough.

I have a good life. I really do. I am fortunate and blessed and lucky in so many ways. But there have been rough patches along the way - especially in the last few months - and I have found myself relying heavily on both my parents to help guide me through and as such, I think I was feeling particularly sentimental when I wrote Dad's Father's Day card. I did not draft it. I wrote it straight from the heart. And I won't share it all, but I'll share the 38 words you really need to know:

Your love and support these last few months have kept me floating when I thought I’d sink, kept me focused when I thought I’d crash, and kept me sane when I thought I’d lose it. I love you!

It's ok. I'm crying too.



Happy Father's Day Dad. Cause EVERY day is Father's Day to me.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Weekend Hypothetical: Part Deux

First of all: meet THE DRESS. This is the Jackie O Mini in Geranium by Black Halo:




(So. Not. Me. At least - not at first glance.)


Now...here's what I ultimately wound up wearing to Dr. Diva's roast and celebratory dinner on Saturday night:
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(so yes - I was having a shitastic hair day - ignore please...)

And here's me with Dr. Diva (aka BFF), the Boyfriend (who I have known for 20 years OMG), 2 of Dr. Diva's equally divalicious doc GFs (and former roomies), and the rest of Dr. Diva's awesome family:



(BTW - Mom and Dad - I totally love you. And wouldn't trade you FOR ANYTHING. But Dr. Diva's fam is at the top of the list of who I want to adopt me should anything happen to you. They've totally replaced the Zuckermans.)

So yes. Peer pressure won out. Totally. Sorry mom - please don't be disappointed.

Think I can wear this dress to the next tractor pull?

And if that ain't country, I'll kiss your...

Monday, June 22, 2009

Weekend Hypothetical

Note to mom, dad and the guy at Visa: the following is a completely hypothetical situation. Do not be concerned.

So...imagine you go to Charming College Town USA for a final weekend to visit your amazing awesome smart sexy fabulous BFF who is finishing up her residency at the local hospital and heading off to bigger and better futures and vascular surgery fellowships (*impressive*). And suppose the 2 of you are getting pedis on Saturday morning, she sipping a crappy strawberry smoothie, you sipping a Diet Crack the size of your head and picking at a crappy asiago bagel (damn you Panera for your crappy breakfast food). And you are flipping through some tragically pitiful gossip rag which is surprisingly not making you completely apoplectic. And you stumble upon one of those articles which shows 2 celebs wearing the same dress (*gasp*) but usually in different colors and usually at different events. And your BFF tells you that the dress in question would look great on you. And you nod and agree and smile 'cuz you're high on nail polish fumes you're flattered she would even think that and really...you can't afford you're not in the market for a dress...any dress...especially a dress featured on a celeb in a trashy gossip rag. Case Closed.

Pedis done...you part ways. You off for further grooming and she off to pick up the Boyfriend who has been taking advantage of free Wi-Fi while waiting for you to get your girliness out of the way. The plan is to meet at 12:15 but your appointment ends early so you call BFF and she suggests you stroll down a block to the cute little clothing boutique (that you used to go to in college OMG) and then she and Boyfriend will come meet you. So you stroll down to said boutique and wander, eyeing some lovely items - none of which you can currently afford currently need - although that Etro dress was lovely. You are there solo for longer than you care because after a while, even the salesgirl seems to be slightly suspicious as to your motives.

But eventually BFF and Boyfriend arrive and you're all set to roll but then BFF makes a beeline for the first rack and grabs THE DRESS. The one in the trashy gossip rag. The one being sported by celebrities from Norway to North Dakota. THE DRESS. This is the mini version. In a lovely shade of aubergine (which BTW - purple is totally your color).

BFF: Try it on.

You: No. I can't.

BFF: Yes. You must. This dress is perfect for you.

You: Can't afford it. Don't need it. No occasion to wear it. NO.

BFF (holding it up in front of you - taunting you): Just try it on. It'll be fun.

You: (resistance weakening): NO! I can't!

BFF: What's the harm in trying on a pretty dress?

You: (no response) Because after all, what is the harm in trying on a pretty dress?

Besides, BFF knows you are blue and knows that trying on pretty things will turn your frown upside down so you finally yield and say ok...I'll try it on.

Of course, what are the odds that of the 2 dresses on the rack, one would actually be your size? EXACTLY.

So as long as your trying on THE DRESS you figure you might as well try on other things too so you grab some and let BFF grab some and you reluctantly make your way to the dressing room.

You try THE DRESS first. It's synthetic. Stretchy. Sort of Herve Leger '80s. It's mini. There are darts and seams. It's asymmetrical. It's So. Not. You. But you try it on and walk out of the dressing room, ready to be ridiculed. Alas...apparently this dress is your soul mate and should father your children because the two of you are made for each other. Every dart, every seam, every pleat, every fold hangs perfectly. Your ass looks surprisingly small. There's no stretching or pulling across the abs, the hips or the thighs. Even your bra is concealed. You keep looking and searching and hoping for one thing to be wrong but alas, the dress is PERFECT. Everyone agrees. Even the salesgirl who was giving you the evil eye is thinking commission nodding with approval.

You aren't convinced. You try on several other dresses. None of them illicit the same response. So you put THE DRESS back on again. Unsure. Tempted. But unsure. It fits perfectly. A dress has never ever ever ever fit you this perfectly in your entire life. You turn to Boyfriend because after all 1) he's a guy and 2) he's not one to get caught up in the hype. You ask his opinion on the dress. He tells you that this dress doesn't cost money, it makes money. You joke that it only makes money if you wear it standing on the corner of 47th and 9th but he explains that this is a bigger life philosophy. You nod in somber agreement. Then he tells you that this dress is an investment. Again, seeing as he is an investment banker, you nod in somber agreement.

You hem. You haw. You fret. You debate. Everyone in the store (and by now a small crowd has gathered) is encouraging you to buy THE DRESS. This gorgeous perfect amazing sexy phenomenal dress which you do not need and have no occasion to wear but which was clearly designed just for you. But then your mother appears - as a little apparition on your shoulder - and she is reminding you about fiscal responsibility and all the things you need to be saving for in your future. And then you recall that you still haven't opened your last VISA statement because it's just too terrifying.

So in one corner - you have THE DRESS (*perfect* *sigh*) and an angry mob inciting you to retail madness.

In the other, your beautiful amazing sensible realistic mother and a smoking VISA bill.

Were you in my glamorous shoes, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

Let me know your thoughts. I'll share the real outcome on Wednesday (only cuz I am posting this so late on Monday!).

Now - speaking of cliffhangers, who shot JR?

And if that ain't country, I'll kiss your...

Saturday, June 20, 2009

My Week In Tweets: June 14 - June 20

Emily Valentine is the new girl in town, Scott's a gun-toting Okie, aaahhhhh Classic Bev - how I live for our Sunday morning rendez-vous
11:47 AM Jun 14th from TwitterBerry

can't believe I'm home on a Sunday watching a race AND can't believe Jimmie is the lead. Sweet!
3:42 PM Jun 14th from web

Go Jimmie!!! Go Jimmie!!
4:50 PM Jun 14th from web

These will be 5 VEEERRRRYYYY long laps....
4:51 PM Jun 14th from web

FUCK. The #48 just ran out of fuel....THAT SUCKS!
4:53 PM Jun 14th from web

Dude...Mark Martin is THE MAN!!!
4:54 PM Jun 14th from web

Awesome racing...but sucks for the #48...really....
4:55 PM Jun 14th from web

Why is fried chicken made by church women always so freaking delicious?
7:58 PM Jun 14th from web

Walter Matthau is no Denzel Washington. Or maybe it's the other way around. I can't decide.
8:29 PM Jun 14th from web

So glad I opted for the Today Show over SBTB. So far: The Duggars announce the gender of the 1st grandbaby (Spoiler Alert: It's a GIRL)...
8:21 AM Jun 15th from web

...And the evil, makes-me-stabby Speidi on Help I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here #celebritieswhoshouldntbecelebrities
8:22 AM Jun 15th from web

Holy Hell. Did Heidi just compare herself to Mother Teresa? OMG. That's it. The universe is officially coming to an end. #WTF
8:23 AM Jun 15th from web

Could my morning be any suckier? Nope? Didn't think so either. Thanks for confirming my deepest suspicions.
10:55 AM Jun 15th from TwitterBerry

Did I say my morning couldn't get any suckier? Lies. Lies. Lies. Just nose-dived into ultimate suckdom. #whenwillthsidayend?
11:18 AM Jun 15th from TwitterBerry

#isthisdayoveryet #clearlynotsoonenough
4:27 PM Jun 15th from TwitterBerry

Onion dip. Yum.
7:50 PM Jun 15th from TwitterBerry

Ok. New day. New attitude. "Hello Tuesday. I am so ready to kick your ass! Just try me..."
7:25 AM Jun 16th from web

Oh yeah. Today is full of possibility.....
9:25 AM Jun 16th from web

Out of bed and ready to tackle my elliptical...I think...
8:14 AM Jun 17th from web

never thought I'd say this but OMG love our local postal workers! Cecelia in particular is rocking my postal world...
3:04 PM Jun 17th from web

Used appliances and $9 haircuts - there's an interesting business plan.....
4:11 PM Jun 17th from TwitterBerry

Alias Season 1 on DVD, wine, creating culinary masterpieces. Hello Wednesday evening. Love you. LOVE YOU!
7:55 PM Jun 17th from TwitterBerry

I so have a crush on Victor Garber. Is that weird?
7:59 PM Jun 17th from TwitterBerry

Holy hell y'all - I am some kind of Asian fusion slaw GENIUS!
9:29 PM Jun 17th from TwitterBerry

Holy hell these cookies are good! Move over Mrs. Fields.......
11:13 PM Jun 17th from TwitterBerry

I have kicked culinary ass tweeps.....kicked it! Wheee!
11:23 PM Jun 17th from TwitterBerry

Now dishes kick my ass...lovely.....
11:26 PM Jun 17th from TwitterBerry

Good morning tweeps. I am unusually chipper and bubbly today. And no I haven't had any caffeine. I am just apparently naturally buzzed.
8:02 AM Jun 18th from web

is it wrong to wear an obnoxiously large but totally gorgeous straw hat even if it's not all that sunny? #needingtofeelfabulous
9:11 AM Jun 18th from web

So yeah - y'all are so jealous that you're not having @felinefrenzy's to die for lemon bars and heavenly chocolate hazelnut heaven.....
2:26 PM Jun 18th from TwitterBerry

My laptop is making me stabby.
5:01 PM Jun 18th from TwitterBerry

Packing so I can get on the road tomorrow to see my beloved @Mrs_Westwick.
9:27 PM Jun 18th from web

Really should say overpacking. Is 9 pairs of shoes too much for 3 days? #joysoftravelingbycar
9:27 PM Jun 18th from web

My former celebrity stylist is hawking haircare products on QVC. This is weird.
9:35 PM Jun 18th from web

So yeah - vinyl mattress pads are totally skeevy.
7:22 AM Jun 19th from TwitterBerry

So are cheap, low thread count sheets and thin scratchy blankets. Gross.
7:25 AM Jun 19th from TwitterBerry

Yes. My guest room now resembles a cheap motel room you could rent by the hour. #classy
7:29 AM Jun 19th from TwitterBerry

I have arrived and I am off to find @Mrs_Westwick. Epic weekend awaits....
3:58 PM Jun 19th from TwitterBerry

Wow....so this is insanely *interesting* dinner conversation....
10:19 PM Jun 19th from TwitterBerry

Desperate for Diet Coke...DESPERATE....
9:16 AM Jun 20th from web

Steve Johnson Time article on Twitter is BRILLIANT! #timetwitter
2:07 PM Jun 20th from Twitterberry

Lovely little cat nap....now time to get glam...
4:32 PM Jun 20th from TwitterBerry

And if that ain't country, I'll kiss your...

Friday, June 19, 2009

Hot. Hot. Hot.

Ok..so for starters...it's NOT EVEN OFFICIALLY EFFING SUMMER YET and I already had my first meltdown. Literally. Fed the animals yesterday still dressed up from my lunch and by the time I came back into the house I was drenched and sweaty and NO IT'S NOT A GOOD LOOK NOT FOR ME OR ANYONE and OMG THIS HEAT IS MAKING ME CRAZY and HOW THE HELL DID PEOPLE SURVIVE BEFORE FREON and OMG CAN I MOVE TO ALASKA and OMG I DID NOT KNOW I COULD SWEAT THERE! Yes...you can see how well I deal with extreme heat and humidity. The next few months are bound to be long. And ranty.

But I am not here to bitch complain about the heat. I am here to talk about hot dead guys and old movies.

As with so many things I write about these days, it all started (innocently enough - HAH!) on Facebook.

Mid-Audrey Marathon, I updated my FB status (natch) with the following:

Country Girl would totally trade the crowned jewels to run off with Gregory Peck. Totally.

Quel Surprise! It spurred a rash of comments. Most of which were along the lines of "Totally" and "Agreed" (because yeah - who WOULDN'T run off with Gregory Peck...oh yeah...Audrey Hepburn in Roman Holiday. But I guarantee you if it'd been Audrey Hepburn in Two For the Road she TOTALLY would have ditched the palace in favor of a love shack in Cinqueterre with Gregorio Peck. Totally.) But leave it to my girl Harmzie (who's normally snarktastically hilarious) to pose a serious comment:

I need to see some classic movies. I am missing a whole bunch.

Um hello. Where did you miss the part about Gregory Peck being HOT? Although for the record, the hottest Gregory Peck is the To Kill a Mockingbird Gregory Peck because he's all righteous and right and battling small town racism and he's a single dad and those glasses and that hair and Holy Hell I'd bring him back from the dead in a heartbeat. Along with Cary Grant who defines suave/funny/sexy/cool/awesome even though he was apparently an LSD-addicted homosexual who clearly discovered Mystic Tan before Mystic Tan was invented. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Still...

Harmize was on a mission because she commented on Sunday's post too:

p.s. use the new-found time to write me a post about which classic movies I must see.

Ok Harmzie. I hear ya babe. I hear ya.

So I am hardly a classic movie buff. And there are plenty of classic classics I haven't seen. But I have seen more than a few. Although you can tell there are themes. For example, I have seen nearly every Audrey Hepburn film ever made (even the bad ones...even the made-for-TV-movie which starred Jennifer Love Hewitt as Audrey - OMG what were network execs thinking and what was I thinking for actually watching that crap?), but I don't think I have ever seen a Katherine Hepburn movie. The closest I've come is that movie whose name I can't remember (and am too damn lazy to IMDB) where Leo plays Howard Hughes and Cate Blanchett plays Katherine Hepburn. And while I seriously heart Cary Grant, I haven't seen a lot of his films.

Anyways, in no particular order here's my recommended list of classic movies (and in order to control this post I am refraining from specific commentary on each film!):

* Citizen Kane
* Gone With The Wind
* Breakfast at Tiffany's
* Roman Holiday
* Sabrina
* Charade
* Dial M For Murder
* Rear Window
* Double Indemnity
* Sorry Wrong Number
* To Catch A Thief
* North By Northwest
* That Touch of Mink
* Vertigo
* An Affair to Remember
* Wait Until Dark
* Day of The Jackal
* The Taking of Pelham One Two Three
* The Jazz Singer
* Casablanca
* Frenzy
* The Stepford Wives (NOT THE CRAPPY NICOLE KIDMAN/MATTHEW BRODERICK ONE - OBVIOUSLY THAT'S NOT EFFING CLASSIC - IT'S EFFING CRAP!)
* Two For The Road
* Funny Face
* Love In The Afternoon
* To Kill a Mockingbird

It's a random list. Heavy on Audrey. Leaning towards Cary. A dash of Bogey. A dash of Astaire. A sprinkling of Peck.

Am curious darling readers...what are your favorite classics? And how do you define classic? As I was writing this, I began to wonder what was the cut-off point for classic? 1950s? 1960s? Isn't Trading Places "classic?" What about Cannonball Run? I'm just sayin...

And if that ain't country, I'll kiss your...

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Theme Parties Clearly Get Me Excited. Clearly.

Holy hell y'all. Four-freaking-hundred posts. I can't hardly believe it. My little blog is all growed up and I am so, so, so proud.

Anyways...

Theme parties. They have become a major part of my life recently. It started when Sarah, Josh & I went roller skating and on the drive home it came out that Josh and Sarah know almost as much about Saved By The Bell as I do (so FYI no one knows as much about SBTB as I do except maybe Jimmy Fallon) and suddenly inspiration hit and I was all: I'm going to throw a SBTB party. And I don't think I wrote about it at the time because I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO BE HORRIFIED but now I'm sort of over it. Judge if you must but I heart Zack Morris.

So I threw this totally awesome party and Tivo'd 40 episodes of SBTB over like 3 weeks. Sadly - the "I'm so excited...I'm so excited...I'm so scared" one where Jesse gets hooked on caffeine pills wasn't on but the drunk driving episode was on and the one where Johnny Dakota comes to Bayside to shoot a PSA for "Don't Do Drugs" (even though he's a total pot-head) was on and so was the one where they discover oil. I mean can we discuss the socially relevant themes of SBTB people? Can we?

And I put together a killer menu (which OMG I can't find the original email - how is this possible) including Bayside Breezes (a totally yummy cocktail that I created in my head on the spot and no don't ask me what was in them because I couldn't possibly tell you), Max Burgers, Jesse Spano's Environmentally Friendly Green Salad, Slater's Taters and Lisa Turtle Brownie Sundaes. And everyone had to come in costume (I went as Kelly from The College Years)


(there's me holding a Bayside Breeze)

and it was super fun and apparently spawned an entire theme party movement because since then we've had:

* Shag & Showgirls: This was brilliant in theory. Sorta. Kinda. Ok. Not really and I totally blame my friend Jamie for screwing this up. It was supposed to be a SHAG party because my friend Alice and I both LOVE Shag but then I made some random comment about Elizabeth Berkely in Showgirls on FB (specifically something to the effect of: OMG - can't believe Elizabeth Berkley has never won an Oscar. Do you realize the range of talent she demonstrated swinging from Jesse Spano to Nomi Malone?) and then Jamie said something about Showgirls and there was the whole alliteration thing happening and suddenly our sweet, chaste, innocent Shag party got turned into a Shag and Showgirls party although for the record - we watched about 10 minutes of Showgirls and then turned it off because OMG THAT SHIT IS HORRIFYING. But Alice was an awesome hostess and once again I can't remember everything but we had Pudge's Pigs in a Blanket, Melaina's Mac and Cheese Bites, Buzz's Bacon Bites, Bubble Flip Chips and Dip, and Bee's Knees Cheese and Crackers. It was awesome. I went as Carson. Like my Bubble Flip?



* Mad-Libs and Martinis: Mad Libs and Martinis was genius (because Karen is genius!) and was documented not once, but twice already so click on the links to read all about it. No seriously. CLICK PEOPLE. I just went back and re-read both posts and holy crap they are funny. And well written. Which is especially amazing given that the morning after I couldn't talk quite think outside the Mad Libs genre.

* Audrey Hepburn Movie Marathon: Sarah was originally going to hostess a Priscilla Queen of the Desert and Rocky Horror Picture Show party (an homage to drag queens clearly) but then we decided boys wouldn't come if there was a costume requirement and she also wanted to hostess an Audrey Hepburn marathon because we both heart Audrey in the BIGGEST way (Who doesn't heart Audrey? Who?) and so we finally settled on 3 Audrey flicks (Roman Holiday, Breakfast at Tiffany's, Two For The Road) and Sarah said we should watch them in order of Audrey's disillusionment i.e. naive princess, screwed up hooker young woman with a heart of gold, totally jaded housewife and we did except Two For The Road was REALLY depressing so we stopped watching about 20 or 30 minutes in (although for the record I actually really do like the movie and it's such and interesting and intense look at marriage and Audrey is GORGEOUS and the fashion is AMAZING but it's really not the right type of movie for a Saturday night theme party - especially if you're warm and fuzzy on Wallace's Watermelon Martinis) and put on Clue instead. Clue is awesome. Oh - and Sarah put together a killer menu including The Wallace’s Watermelon Martinis, Princess Ann’s Pepperoni Platter, Joe Bradley’s Bruschetta, Sally Tomato Salad, Holly Golightly’s Chicken with Saffron Rice Casserole (Chocolate sauce served later with ice cream), Two for the Road Two-Bite Brownies (to go with ice cream/chocolate sauce). AND Karen brought over croissants in a giant blue Tiffany box. I mean - we take our theme parties seriously people!





(ps bummed there wasn't a full length head to toe shot 'cuz I rocked out as a 21st century Holly Golightly)

(pps I realize that in every picture I am holding a drink. It feels sorta like college all over again only at least they aren't 16 oz. red plastic cups. At least I am holding martini glasses and champagne flutes. So much more sophisticated - right?)

So I was going to write about other old movies y'all should watch (mainly cause there was some post-party chatter on FB about how hot Gregory Peck is and then my friend Harmzie was all "What old movies should I watch because I haven't seen any of the ones you're talking about") but holy hell y'all this post is getting unwieldy so I will save the list of kick-ass old movies for another day.

BUT...

I am in charge of the next theme party and I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I love Grease 2. In ways that are simply indescribable. And if you knew the levels and depth of my love for that movie you'd either propose marriage (I'm talking to you Nen) or end our friendship right here and now. Or you might ask me to act out the entire movie WHICH I TOTALLY WOULD and I would sing and everything and even do my best to recreate the bowling extravaganza and OMG don't get me started on Grease 2 because now I totally want to watch it and why the hell don't I have it on DVD and I want the soundtrack too and it's not available for download on iTunes (What's up with that? Hello Steve Jobs. Put Grease 2 on iTunes. NOW!) and ACK!!!!!! Clearly I need to stop blogging about Grease 2. Immediately. Before I have a meltdown.

Anyways...

Theme parties. I am up next. So I am thinking Grease 2 or maybe sequels in general or maybe something to do with Dolly because we all heart Dolly or maybe Designing Women because that show is entirely too genius for words and I have my 4 all time favorite episodes saved on Tivo:

* The one where Julia gets hammered at her son's wedding and spends the night with his roommate (whoops!) only she doesn't actually sleep with him but she thinks she does (which would have been awesome by the way) and then Suzanne and the others have to steamroll over the house mother to rescue Julia from the frat.

* Bernice's sanity hearing where basically it turns out the everyone is totally crazy EXCEPT for Bernice and there's that stupid joke about 2 Dicks and a little hat and Suzanne can't hear 'cuz her ears are clogged and Mary Jo shows Charlene how to put on underwear in front of a judge.

* The one where they go to New Orleans for a convention and Mary Jo sleeps with a married man and Charlene and Suzanne get trashed and Suzanne has a catfight with a drag queen (that wig yanking scene at the end KILLS ME) and Julia gets pissed that no one has any sense of decorum and then she has that awesome monologue where she's all: "Hey Hey Hey New Orleans. I am single and I am going to sleep in the same room as a black man who is SIGNIFICANTLY younger than I am. And he's my employee. And stick that in your etouffe and smoke it!" God I love Dixie Carter.

* The one where Suzanne goes to her high school reunion only she's fat which means apparently she's no longer beautiful and then she has that very touching speech where she basically tells her classmates to stop being such dicks and to fuck off it's not how you look (or how big your boobs are), it's who you are (and how big your heart is).

So I was totally going to ask y'alls opinion on what my next theme party should be but I just decided it's going to be Grease 2 and Designing Women because I am clearly passionate about both (No I have not had ANY caffeine this morning - I am just naturally crazy wired bubbly like this) and because I am some kind of theme party GENIUS I will figure out how to tie the two together. Just give me a damn minute.

And if that ain't...holy hell...I don't what it is but either way, I'll totally kiss your...


(Phew!)

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

More Free Shit

I know. You don't have to say it. I am the world's most FANTASTILICIOUS blogger because I just keep giving away free shit.

First it was free books.

Then it was my extremely magnanimous offer to ply y'all with FREE BEER.

Now...as if an AWESOME (free) rock concert AND FREE BEER aren't enough reason to come to next week's Alive After Five in downtown Lincolnton, I am throwing in 4 FREE autographed copies of the upcoming re-release of End of Ride which features 5 new bonus tracks.

How to win? It's pretty simple:

Be one of the first 4 people to find me at the concert next Thursday (as previously stated I'll be the attractive reddish-hued brunette in the PK t-shirt and killer shoes) and either be sporting a PK shirt of your very own OR be carrying a copy of the PK CD or show me that you have PK downloaded on your iPod and you will win a free autographed copy of the upcoming re-release of End of Ride.

PLUS....for all of my readers who don't have passports can't attend for whatever reason, leave a comment - ANY comment - on this post - and I will select one commenter at random to win a copy of the new album as well.

I know - who loves you baby?

MWAH!



Now Rock On!!

PS Holy shit y'all. I just realized that this is my 400th post. Whooooooo-eeeeee!!!

Sunday, June 14, 2009

You Say You Want a Revolution (And a Scoop of Rocky Road)

The Battle of Ramsour's Mill is actually a pretty big deal. It was a critical battle, a turning point in the Revolutionary War, and frankly, I don't have the mental energy to write about it in grand detail. But I did attend Sunday's re-enactment and took oodles of pictures so that should make up for my laziness lack of time to properly devote to the subject.





























I was going to ask what your favorite war is but that's just too depressing. So instead, what's your favorite flavor of ice cream?

I know - random - right?

And if that ain't country, I'll kiss your...

My Week In Tweets: June 7 - June 13

Wondering if there is any C-List celebrity in the uinverse who doesn't have their own *reality* show? Hammertime? WTF?
9:36 AM Jun 7th from TwitterBerry

Network execs at TLC and A&E need to be hung, drawn and quartered.
9:37 AM Jun 7th from TwitterBerry

Also whoever greenlighted the Lisa Rinna/Harry Hamlin show. That's just wrong.
9:38 AM Jun 7th from TwitterBerry

Arts and Entertainment? Hah! A&E should change their name to Crap TV or Trash TV.
9:40 AM Jun 7th from TwitterBerry

If any of the following people get their own show I'm moving to Canada: Blogo, any of the Baldwins, anyone related to Britney, the Palins.
9:45 AM Jun 7th from TwitterBerry

Also: the mom who just had 8 babies even though she has no resources to take care of them, Susan Boyle, Suri Cruise, and Boy George.
9:49 AM Jun 7th from TwitterBerry

And why is Eva Mendes designing sheets? Clearly this issue of People needs to be ripped from my hands IMMEDIATELY. #cantdealwithpopculture
9:54 AM Jun 7th from TwitterBerry

Holy crap the employees at this McDonalds are slow. Why do I always pick the wrong place to stop?
2:17 PM Jun 7th from TwitterBerry

And apparently I picked the wrong line at the wrong McDonalds. What the hell did the people in front of me order?
2:20 PM Jun 7th from TwitterBerry

OMG - I am clearly being punished for my choice to *indulge* I get it. I shouldn't have ordered fries.
2:24 PM Jun 7th from TwitterBerry

This is 10 minutes of my life I will never get back.
2:26 PM Jun 7th from TwitterBerry

Holy crap - driving around downtown Charleston might be the death of me. Might.
12:00 PM Jun 8th from TwitterBerry

Just kidding y'all. Parking in scary death-trap parking deck in downtown Charleston will likely be the death of me. Quite possibly.
12:07 PM Jun 8th from TwitterBerry

OMG - Charleston - why do you hate me so? Scary bridges, unforgiving humidity, 800 one-way streets which all go the same way & no parking?
2:07 PM Jun 8th from TwitterBerry

Just went for a 4.25mi run and feel fantastilicious. Would have gone longer but my damn knees... #needtobuynewsneakersoon
5:49 PM Jun 8th from web

At Pane e Vino in Charleston sipping Mudhouse sauv blanc and swooning over the menu....
7:43 PM Jun 8th from TwitterBerry

Swooning over menu replaced by swooning over *exquisite* dinner: lovely caprino followed by ravioli casalinga. YUM!
8:33 PM Jun 8th from TwitterBerry

Firefly sgroppino might just be the best dessert/drink/dessert drink ever. OMG. Heaven. I love Pane e Vino. I want to live here. Always.
8:41 PM Jun 8th from TwitterBerry

Ugh - creepy, desperate guy at bar. Blonde just left - now he's onto me.
10:14 PM Jun 8th from TwitterBerry

Creepy old dude won't leave me alone. Holy crap.
10:25 PM Jun 8th from TwitterBerry

Bartender just bought my wine as an apology for creepy old guy. Who finally left. Thankfully. Have never had to tell anyone: step off. Ugh.
10:33 PM Jun 8th from TwitterBerry

What kind of running store doesn't open til 10am? Don't they realize that people who exercise are up early? #neednewsneakersdesperately
9:00 AM Jun 9th from TwitterBerry

Getting ready to speak to a group of women on how to be prepared. Step 1: invest in a portable flat iron.
10:20 AM Jun 9th from TwitterBerry

GIANT headband might just solve hair issues. See? I am qualified to present on how to be prepared! Carry the proper hair accessories!
11:08 AM Jun 9th from TwitterBerry

What kind of grocery store DOESN'T carry Saran Wrap? And no the generic plastic wrap is NOT the same!
7:13 PM Jun 9th from TwitterBerry

Holy crap! My cat just brought a live, creepy, crawly, squirmy, slidy lizard into the house and was playing with it like it was a toy!
2:39 PM Jun 10th from web

Why do I feel compelled to apologize for being anti-social/not-chatty/grumpy? Can't I just be quietly irritated w/out having to explain it?
7:42 PM Jun 10th from web

seriously wishing my house were devoid of people...although they all seem to sense the bitch factor and are avoiding me like the clap
9:49 PM Jun 10th from web

Waiting to get fitted for new sneakers #itsabouttime
5:45 PM Jun 11th from TwitterBerry

Of course - so is everyone else in Charlotte....#mylotinlife
5:46 PM Jun 11th from TwitterBerry

I am the proud owner of saucy new Mizunos. And some awesome stick for rolling over my poor achy muscles! And special socks too....
6:34 PM Jun 11th from TwitterBerry

In Gun Bun heaven.....JEALOUS? You should be!
7:15 PM Jun 11th from TwitterBerry

I always wanted a full set of Louis Vuitton bags. Just not under my eyes. UGH. #notenoughconcealerintheuniversetoday
6:31 AM Jun 12th from web

There is NO ONE in CVS except me and the woman in front of me having credit card issues. Maybe I should've gone to Wal-Mart....
10:59 AM Jun 12th from TwitterBerry

Off to turn in the Volvo tags. Not sure I have the stamina or patience. Wish me luck Tweeps!
12:24 PM Jun 12th from TwitterBerry

So its me and a bunch of high schoolers at the movies. Weeknight movie date nights are so much more civilized.
7:06 PM Jun 12th from TwitterBerry

After commercials, PSAs, more ads, previews, and all the rest of that crap the actual start time of the 7:15pm show is...7:41.....
7:40 PM Jun 12th from TwitterBerry

Telemarketers on my cell phone? Holy Hell! Leave me alone people!!!
9:43 PM Jun 12th from web

Getting ready to break in my new Mizunos. SWEET!
7:01 AM Jun 13th from TwitterBerry

As Bruce Springsteen said...BABY WE WERE BORN TO RUN! WHHHHEEEEE!
8:16 AM Jun 13th from TwitterBerry

why am I not surprised by the poor selection of champagne @ the local Lincolnton Bi-Lo?
8:31 AM Jun 13th from TwitterBerry

Between band rehearsal and the contractor I'm being chased out of my house.
10:23 AM Jun 13th from web

Which means I guess no one can fault me for plunking my ass on the deck all day and doing nothing!
10:23 AM Jun 13th from web

Holy Identity Crisis Batman! I now have 4 online identities.... #WTF.
12:26 PM Jun 13th from TwitterBerry

Needing a nap, a pedicure and some peace and quiet. Unfortunately - none of these are in my immediate future. Sigh....
1:08 PM Jun 13th from TwitterBerry

Wondering if Holly Golightly ever walked around drinking 44oz. of Coke Zero from a giant Denny Hamlin cup? Probably not....
4:06 PM Jun 13th from TwitterBerry

And if that ain't country, I'll kiss your...

Friday, June 12, 2009

Shopping...Spending...Never-Ending

At my wedding, my father sang a toast that was a spoof of Sunrise, Sunset from Fiddler On The Roof. Instead of

Sunrise, Sunset,
Sunrise, Sunset
Swiftly flow the days...


it was

Shopping, Spending
Never-ending
Neimans, Bergdorf's, Saks...


And I am proud to say that yesterday afternoon I lived up to my retail lovin' ways.

First up? A visit to Run For Your Life to purchase much-needed new sneakers. So did you know that you are supposed to replace your sneakers every 6 months? You can stretch it to a year if all you do is walk but any other serious form of exercise requires new shoes every 6 months. At $100/pair it seems kind of like a racket. Then again, I spent almost $5000 (well, 15% of $5000 thanks to insurance) to be told I needed new shoes so actually $100 every 6 months seems fairly reasonable.

Check out my awesome new Mizunos:



And because a friend of mine who recently purchased new, super-duper-high-support sneakers got a terrible case of blisters (though it may have had something to do with the fact that she was training for a 15K) I wound up purchasing special high performance running socks @ $9/pair. File in Twitter under #suchasucker.



And then, because after the socks the sales guy totally realized he had me hooked like some poor, slippery catfish, he pulled out...The Stick also known as The Toothbrush for Muscles. He told me that I probably wouldn't buy it this trip and that I'd probably come back and get it next trip (which I guess he thought would be in 6 months or so) and then he started rubbing it up and down his leg to show me how it worked and then I lunged at him and practically snatched it from his hand politely asked if I might try it and started rubbing it up and down my leg and OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG. I just want to brush my leg muscles all day long. It was heaven. This little thing is heaven:



And I knew, as good as it felt, that if I didn't purchase it RIGHT THERE ON THE SPOT I'd probably regret it the rest of my life. Seriously.

So after making sure that the good folks at Run For Your Life were well taken care of (and had filled their #suchasucker quotient) I ventured South on Tryon Street (a first for me) to The Wine Shop at Rivergate for a FREE Gundlach Bundschu wine tasting.

I have kind of an interesting story with the awesome folks at Gun Bun. I mentioned the heavenly Gun Bun 2005 Rhinefarm Vineyard Pinot Noir in a post back in March and it actually popped up in the Google Alerts of Gun Bun's Marketing Director (incidentally also a Duke Alum) and so she and I started emailing back and forth. And then I got put in touch with their National Sales Director because I am planning a MASSIVE AWESOME KILLER KICK-ASS benefit for the Lincoln County Historical Association this fall and we are looking for wine donations...

Anyways, the National Sales Director happened to be in Charlotte yesterday so I happily headed to the other end of the universe South Charlotte to Rivergate where I got to sample not 1...not 2...but 7 amazing Gun Bun pours and where I got to hang out and talk sophisticated food and wine with smart and sophisticated people and where because I was already on a retail high, I decided that I just had to own some Gun Bun as well. Check out my haul (although 2 of those bottles are actually gifts so I am not as selfish as you think. In fact, I am an extremely kind and loving and generous person. Although don't ask me to share *my* Gun Bun - I might get stabby with a corkscrew.)



So all in all it was a pretty fantastic afternoon/evening - at least for me and the suave sales guys at Run For Your life and my new friends at Gun Bun and even the guy who owns The Wine Shop at Rivergate who didn't really have to do anything except swipe my Visa.

So you tell me: in the high-intrigue world of retail and shopping, what have you indulged in recently?

Of course, after being all jacked up from shopping, I drove home, got some take-out wings (natch) and brushed my leg with The Stick. Oh yeah. It was awesome.

And if that ain't country, I'll kiss your...

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Things I Wish I Could Do But Can't

There are some fundamentally *basic* things in this world that I would like to be able to do and/or feel like I should be able to do but for whatever reason I am unable to do (or perhaps think I am unable to do) and this frustrates me to no end.

1) Iron: Growing up the cleaning lady did the laundry and hand dried all of the 100% cottons and ironed everything and I had a very neatly pressed wardrobe. Whenever I moved out, I stopped ironing. Then a few years ago when I was clearly high when I was feeling inspired, I begged Marty to buy me an iron for Christmas. And he did - a top of the line Rowenta. I've maybe used it a dozen times. Possibly a dozen and a half. I can usually manage to get wrinkles out, but I inevitably wind up up creating more in the process. Also - my placemats never come out right which is very annoying. So much so that the custom made placemats on the kitchen table are never actually used (they are there for decoration only) because God forbid one of them gets dirty and I have to wash it and then it will look like a limp, wrinkly, crooked piece of crap.

2) Sew: I am domestic in many ways but sewing is just not my thing. And it's not like my mom sewed when I was a kid and that's why I want to be able to sew. But I remember once being in Barney's and coveting a rack full of very pretty cotton, floral, knee-length circle skirts. And I remember fainting at the prices (almost $400 per skirt). And I remember my friend telling me how easy it would be to buy some fabric and a simple pattern and make one myself. And then a little while later I discovered Allison Anne skirts and again, there was some coveting going on. But $250? Please people.

3) Golf: No one in my family golfs but all of my friends golf and one of my friends is even married to someone who plays on the PGA Tour. And it's not like I am crazy about golf as a sport - I don't watch it on TV, I don't pay attention to Tiger's comings and goings. But I actually want to learn to play golf for professional purposes. You see I am in marketing. In finance. And there's a lot of golf tournaments. And deals get closed on the golf course. And there are not a lot of female golfers so I'd really stand out. Oh and then there's the whole golf wardrobe I'd get to buy...Oh the sacrifices I am willing to make for my own professional development.

4) Garden: EVERYONE I know (and this is not an exaggeration of any kind - this is an actual, scientifically proven fact) can garden EXCEPT me. I know - you're saying to yourself: What do you mean she CAN'T garden? How can she not know how to dig, how to plant, how to water? Well I do know how to dig. Just not how deep. Or how far apart. And I do know how to plant. But again - I don't know how deep or how far apart. And I do know how to water. Just not how much. And how often. And every time I ask someone to teach me about gardening they look at me like I have asked them to teach me how to breathe - as if it were the most natural function in the world. "Oh it's so easy," they say. "You just dig, plant, and water." It makes me want to thwack them in the knee caps with a trowel. Or maybe a hoe. And if you start talking about "pruning" and "cutting back" I might get stabby with a rake.

5) Understand how my car works: My passion to show up the Snappy Lube dude has already been well chronicled. But I felt like for the purposes of this list, I had to include it again.

6) Sing Karaoke: Ok. I can sing karaoke. Just not well and I'd like to be able to sing it well.

So lovelies - what's on your list? What can't you do that you wish you could?

All right. I have spent the last 10 minutes trying to come up with a clever, Country Girl ending to this post. It ain't happening and I refuse to resort to using Bojangles biscuits as a blogging crutch. Oh wait. I think I just did.

And if that ain't country, I'll kiss your...

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Road Rage Tourette Syndrome*

* I know. Bad language is a crutch. Or some bullshit like that. And I am trying to clean up my act. But today I am reporting on a very real situation and I am being as honest and true to the experience as I possibly can. As such, be warned of the salty language that follows. Also, I am not making fun of people with Tourette Syndrome. At all.

I suffer from serious, severe Road Rage. And seeing as I drive on average 350 miles a week for work (sometimes more, sometimes less, most of it on an Interstate) this has gotten to be a problem. And I am aware that I sort of touched on this subject back in January so to the extent I repeat myself, apologies. Actually - no apologies. Some of this stuff just needs to be repeated over and over and over and over until the FUCKING MORONS WHO DRIVE ME CRAZY ON THE ROAD AND MAKE IT MISERABLE FOR EVERYBODY ELSE GET A CLUE (Of course not you darling readers. You don't do that sort of thing.)!

(Yes this is going to be another ranty post that involves LOTS OF ALL CAPS and perhaps a salty word or two. And I know you were probably going to say something snarky like: "Oh - is it that time of the month?" And I was all set to be like - "NO! How dare you insinuate that this week's rantiness is tied to my hormones." But alas, it is that time of the month and perhaps that is why I am so ranty this week. Or maybe not. Maybe this is just one of those weeks where rantiness is all the rage. Speaking of rage...)

Holy Hell People! THE LEFT LANE IS FOR PASSING AND FOR PASSING ONLY. GET THAT THROUGH YOUR THICK, CRACKED SKULLS!! You should not be in the left lane if:

1) You are NOT passing
2) YOU ARE GOING SLOWER THAN THE SPEED LIMIT
3) You are a truck driver. Ever. This should be mandatory law.
4) You are trying to do something else while driving: talk on phone, eat a hamburger, smoke a cigarette, discipline your kids, watch a DVD, pat your head and chew gum (at the same time), etc.
5) SOMEBODY ELSE IS GOING FASTER THAN YOU! I don't care if you're doing 80 in a 65 and passing everybody. If I come behind you doing 85, Rules of Road dictate that YOUR ASS GETS OVER TO THE RIGHT LANE PRONTO!!! (And no mom and dad - I don't ever drive 85mph - especially if the speed limit is 65mph. This is all hypothetical. For blog purposes. And for entertainment purposes.)

Truck drivers are the worst. They absolutely kill me. First of all, most of the national companies put speed governators on so that the trucks can't go above over a certain speed limit. And while the drivers know how to get around them, there is a limit to how fast you can go WHEN YOU ARE DRIVING A 2-TON TRUCK ON 18 WHEELS. Actually, I don't know how much an 18-wheeler weighs and I am too lazy to look it up. But for the purposes of this discussion, they weigh 2-tons.

Anyways, there's nothing worse than cruising along at 75mph when all of a sudden some asshole idiot truck driver decides he needs to show off how big his dick is pass the truck driver in front of him and so he swings over into your lane, cutting you off, causing you to have a mini Tourette's outburst (usually something along the lines of "You asshole" or "Motherfucker"), and then you're stuck behind him for longer than you care because he can't get it up (the truck that is - over the speed limit), and you're now going SLOWER than the speed limit which is a serious pet peeve, and you try to be zen about the whole thing because really, what are you going to do, but you can't help it and the Tourette's picks up with speed and saltiness (I'll spare you), and for whatever reason the dude on the right is now whipping his dick out picking up speed so that the 2 trucks are neck and neck, and now you are going absolutely INSANE because you are trying TO GET SOMEWHERE and not fucking watch this pathetic display of limp dick two trucks who can't get it up (their trucks to the speed limit that is), and HOLY HELL you are now screaming and cursing at the top of your lungs, and just praying that this nightmare ends soon, and OMG - WHY CAN'T YOU BE ZEN ABOUT THIS, but you just can't, and finally, finally, finally, one of the trucks (usually the one on the left), manages to pass the other one, and you hope to Hell that he actually gets back over to the right lane WHERE HE BELONGS, and usually he does, although sometimes he doesn't because he's a PRICK, and then you have to pass him on the right, but either way you pass him, and on one occasion you actually honked (the asshole nearly killed you when he cut over to YOUR lane and he rode in the left lane for like 10 minutes because he was just being a total dick), and usually there's another road rage induced round of Tourette's where the cuss words just fly out of your mouth uncontrollably, and then finally you get around everyone and you understand what they are talking about in NASCAR when they talk about "the clean air."

So yes, most of the time when I am trapped behind a truck I am a cussing, shouting lunatic and you would be horrified to know me. Probably. And yes - I am aware that my behavior is pretty much INSANE and that it does no one any good. So on occasion, I do try be zen about the whole thing and sometimes I can pull it off but lots of times I can't.

And then I wonder why I am so angry and frustrated about everything. And really, how much time am I losing? Three minutes? Five minutes? Seven minutes? And is that time equal in value to the emotional drain I suffer freaking out?

What about you? Do you suffer from Road Rage? Is there something else in the universe that drives you absolutely insane to the point where you sometimes feel like you can't cope?

Ok. I just went back and re-read this post. I am not as freaky as I sound. Really. I am actually a sweet, loving, patient, compassionate, nurturing, elegant, gentle, quiet, demure, angelic soul who would never hurt a fly. But occasionally I feel like kicking the ever loving shit out of a truck driver.

And if that ain't country, I'll kiss your...

PS I just decided that for every comment received on this post in the next 5 days (so through June 15th), I will donate $1 to the National Tourette Syndrome Association.

PPS Also, for every comment received on this post, I vow to be TOTALLY ZEN the next time I get stuck behind a slow moving truck in the left lane.

So please comment kids. You'll be contributing to medical research AND my sanity. How often can you do that?