Friday, May 15, 2009

Why I Don't Believe in Eating Fish During The Day (and a bunch of other random rules that don't make any sense)

I have some serious seafood issues. So many, that I feel I ought to share them with you in case you ever have me over for dinner one night or in case we ever have lunch and I look at you funny when you place your order for the grilled salmon Caesar (because one of my issues has to do with eating seafood during the day – but more on that later). You know how most languages have more regular verbs than irregular verbs but how in the Portuguese language there are way more irregular verbs and more exceptions than rules? That's like me and fish. For every “rule” I have, there's about 3 exceptions. And none of them make any sense.

For example, for the most part, I like shellfish. I like shrimp. Although not with the heads on. For the love of God people - please remove the shrimp heads - there's simply no need to leave the heads and the tentacle/feeler things and the little beady black eyes on there. I want to eat the sucker - not shake his tentacle/feeler thingy and become friends for life. And lobster. I love lobster. And I'll eat the occasional scallop. However, I don't care for crab. I know – right? It makes absolutely no sense and for the record, it drives Marty crazy.

Now – that all said – I don't like shrimp salad. Or lobster salad. Even though I like (headless) shrimp. And lobster. I think part of it has to do with the whole “I don't really believe in eating seafood during the day” rule. Because shrimp salad and lobster salad are kind of daytimey seafood items. Although I wouldn't eat them at night either. And I can't really explain the whole "I don't eat seafood during the day" thing. But I will never order fish for lunch. Ever. It's a night time thing. Then again, when I was at the beach the other week I ordered fish tacos for lunch so I guess that would qualify as an exception.

And tuna fish. I like tuna – in all forms. Sashimi. Rare grilled steaks. And tuna salad – which is the only “fish salad” I will eat and the only fish I will consider eating during the day. Only – the tuna can't be fishy. It has to have the right amount of mayo and most definitely lemon. In fact, I am very finicky about my tuna fish salad and that's why I will never order tuna fish salad at say, Subway. I don't know why – but their tuna salad scares me.

I don't like salmon. At all. Period. Go ahead and revoke my NYC Jew Girl Card now. I don't like it smoked, poached, baked or grilled. I don't like it wild or farm-raised. I don't like Chinook, Coho or Sockeye. I don't like it on my bagel or on my salad. And I certainly don't like it in a can. Oddly enough, it seems that everyone I go out to lunch with likes salmon and frequently orders it. The double-whammy of SALMON DURING THE DAY makes me cringe. Apologies now to all my salmon loving friends. If I look at you funny when we are having lunch together, at least you'll know why.

In case that wasn't enough to revoke my NYC Jew Girl Card - I am not a huge sushi fan either. But I think that's because I don't like the seaweed. And as a recovering carbophobe I still have a lingering fear of rice.

In general, I don't crave fish. I don’t wake up and say: “Hmm…I feel like a big ol’ piece of flounder tonight.” Not the way I crave steak or burgers or chicken (YES – I crave chicken. I crave it constantly. I could eat chicken for 21 meals in a row and never be bored and never mind it. In fact – I may just take on that challenge because it would potentially be good blog fodder). And the fish that I do enjoy – well, as already stated, it can't be fishy. I mean, I know fish is not supposed to be fishy but certain types of fish are “fishier” than others and I really prefer my fish to not taste fishy. I mean – I know for a fact that there are people who like fish that tastes like the ocean is exploding in their mouth. I am sorry. I have been in the ocean. And I have gotten a mouthful of seawater. And you know what? I think it's gross.

Of course, to further continue with the contradictions, I actually enjoyed oysters when I was at an oyster roast in February - then again I didn't chew them and they were doused in cocktail sauce so it was more about the fact that I love cocktail sauce and less about the fact that I genuinely enjoy oysters.

Where I draw the line is fish camps. My visit last year to Fox's has already been well documented. However, I don't think I ever wrote about our return visit for Nanny's 90th birthday in January which probably had something to do with a giant ass 65 foot tree being uprooted and crashing down into our pasture and crushing our fence on that very same day and me having insurance claims and fence repairs on the brain and not being too terribly interested in blogging.

Anyways, in case you give a crap about what I ate for dinner more than 4 months ago...there are 3 non-fish items at Fox’s Fish Camp: hamburger steak (not really a shocker), fried chicken strips (naturally), and……broiled chicken breast! Along with a side of steamed veggies I was over the moon with happy despite raising a few eyebrows and looking only slightly out of place (nothing fried or fishy on my plate).

So tell my darling readers: What won't you eat and why? Or better yet - what do you love to eat that you think horrifies everybody else? Remember loves - you are in a judgement free zone and after my nonsensical ramblings about fish, nothing could really shock me.

It's kind of not country. I know. But I will still totally kiss your (non-salmon) eating...


kyooty said...

Questions doesn't the lobster "revoke my NYC Jew Girl Card"? or did I read that wrong somewhere else?
Things I wont eat? peas, hate them! But really maybe part of my problem with weight gain is that I LOVE to eat almost everything. I like lobster but I wont eat the rue, ewwww! I don't eat Crab, most fish has bones and that's the top reason to turn me off eating them. Oh and I wont eat my Husband's Spicy Meatballs. Too spicy!

AndreAnna said...

The only thing I won't eat is mushrooms. Like dirtworms, those bastards.

Hence why I carry around (in my opinion very sexy) 40 pounds. LOL

And yes, your fish rules are weird, but I have weird rules about certain food too. Like the mushrooms. I don't mind mushroom FLAVOR, its the actual texture of the mushroom I can't stand. So as long and the peices are itty bitty, I can handle them.

Sushi. MMMMM.. only kind I won't touch is eel, and I keep trying it and I still hate it. AND my sushi MUST BE VERY COLD. Unless of course, it has tempura in irt or something. But if I'm eating salmon or octopus straight, it better be chilled.

I love shrimp and lobster and crab but won't peel it or eat it myself. My husband has to shell it for me. Thank god I married someone who REALLY loves me. LOL

Nenette AM said...

OMG, head spinning...
You are complex, girlfriend! lol
I'm pretty much "all seafood, all the time"!

I love sushi, boiled lobster, even the fried, dried filipino fish that my gramma would make and stink up the whole house.

And of course, I had to marry a man allergic to fish and seafood. Serious! :)

harmzie said...

* Love strawberries, hate anything strawberry flavoured.

* Hate onions, love onion rings. Also, onions are essential for many/most sauces, but gawd help me if I find onion bits in there.

* Bananas: will eat them, but they have to be the absolute *perfect* ripeness. Otherwise cannot swallow anything banana flavoured

* I'm all about texture: I like rasins but not in cookies, same goes for nuts (I hope AndreAnna is watching!). Pretty much the only "lump" I like in cookies is chocolate chips - because it's chocolate, hello?! (although I can be convinced if it's a *really* *good* cookie). The only exception to the chocolate rule is ice cream - don't like chips or flakes in my ice cream b/c they're too hard (cold).

* Fish bones!! I would probably love fish a whole lot more, but get really freaky about the risk of bones. I spend so much time worrying about the bones that I can't really appreciate the fish.

* Hate, hate, hate pepper. He says it enhances the flavour, but if I can really taste the pepper, it spoils it for me.

* Don't get the thing with lobster. I love crab, but it always tastes "wrong" to me.

* Also, I don't like it if my food touches (although I'm not freaky about it), so I'm not big on buffet tables.

Wow. That's long. I have issues (Max would be like "duh - here's 12 more"). I'm lacking content on my own blog. Maybe I'll just cut & paste this!

AndreAnna said...

I was watching! Don't worry, Harmzie, the only lumps in your cookies will be lady lumps! :)