Thursday, May 03, 2007

Horny Old Goat

Elvis is horny. Sorry. I know - you wanted to know what mayonnaise jars and maraschino cherries have in common and instead I'm telling you my goat is horny. Well - it's true.

We got home late last night from a 2-day trip to NYC and decided to feed the goats (vs. simply giving them some cookies). They seemed normal at first. They came running. They bahhed. They ate. But then Elvis started making bizarre, gurgling noises. I, of course, worried. We left them alone but I came back out after Ann-Margaret's cries penetrated the walls of the house. Elvis wouldn't leave her and Nugget alone. It was clear after a few minutes of observation that he wasn't ill or edgy or crazy. He was horny.

It took some wrangling but Marty and I got Ann-Margaret and Nugget safe in a stall and left Elvis out on his own.

This morning, I was hoping Elvis had cooled his heels so I let the girls out. I should have planned better. It was 6:45am. Light out at least. But I was dressed for work. Still, I let them out and hoped for the best.

Whoops.

Within moments Elvis was once again chasing after Ann-Margaret and Nugget. At one point he mounted Nugget - or tried to anyways. It was disturbing. I screamed. I yelled. I prayed that Marty - in the house, upstairs, asleep in the bed - would hear me. He didn't.

I picked up a big stock (courtesy of the big wind storm the other week) and tried to beat Elvis away.

Eventually, I picked Nugget up and put her back in the stall. Ann-Margaret quickly followed and I shut them in safe away from an extremely randy Elvis. By then I had the time and werewithal to get some feed, bribe Elvis into the other stall and lock him up while letting the girls out.

That's how they remained all day - mother and baby wandering freely, Elvis cranky and confined.

Got home a bit before 9pm. Dark. Windy. Rainy. Still - I persevered into the pasture outfitted in a slicker and stocked with a pocket full of animal cookies. My thought was to coax Ann-Margaret and Nugget into the empty stall, lock them up safe and then let out Elvis. But Marty insisted that I let "nature take its course" so I let Elvis out instead.

Big mistake.

Within moments he was once again mounting Nugget - a truly horrifying and disturbing sight. When I shoved Nugget out of reach, he sought out a very agitated and disinterested Ann-Margaret.

I eventually - single-handedly, in the dark, in the rain - got mother and baby once again safe behind locked stall doors. Getting them fresh water was a process as Elvis kicked over the first bucket so I made 2 trips in the dark, in the rain, in the overgrown pasture, BY MYSELF - but I managed to get a dish of fresh water in the stall as well.

I then dragged my soggy ass into the house for a glass of wine and 2 hours of Grey's Anatomy while leaving Elvis free, randy and horny as ever, to search the pasture for a willing sexual participant.

And if that ain't country, I'll kiss your...

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