Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Not Quite Country

So - I have to take a moment from my usual Country Girl writings to post on the swirl of miscellaneous thoughts that have been cluttering up my head. They are totally, random, in no order and not remotely connected.

You know how they say famous people die in threes - like when Versace and Princess Di died within weeks of each other and everyone held their breath waiting to see if Elton John would complete the trifecta? I think that the trifecta of Sadam Hussein, Gerald Ford and James Brown has to be one of the oddest out there.

I confess I am hooked on the sordid details of the death - and ensuing circus - of Anna Nicole Smith. When Zsa Zsa Gabor's 8th husband announced that he was possibly the father of Dannielynn (I pity that poor child - her life can have no good the way it's headed), I felt like I was in Soapdish - did you ever see the movie? Sally Field, Kevin Kline, Whoopi Goldberg? Anyways, Sally Field is in the middle of this huge breakdown talking about her youthful affair with Kevin Kline. "Shakespeare in the Park. A Bottle of chardonnay. All's Well That Ends Well." And then she goes on in some detail about getting pregnant, having her character on the soap opera of which she is a star get sent to a sanitarium in Tiera del Fuego (!) so she can give birth, creating a fake twin sister Simone who dies in a car accident and then leaving the baby to be raised by her parents (sadly - I know this all by heart. I did not have to check IMDB for any references). Whoopi - playing head writer Rose Schwartz - stands there dumbfounded as this whole saga is unfolding and she dryly quips: "Now why can't I write shit like that?"

And I mean it when I say that Circus Anna Nicole has caused me to ponder: Why can't I write shit like that? I can't. I couldn't. You couldn't make this stuff up it seems so improbable.

A prince (no - not Prince, although who knows, still time for him to chime in) who happens to be the 8th freaking husband of Zsa Zsa Gabor is claiming to be the father? ET or Alf or Zsa Zsa herself couldn't be stranger contenders...Oh - did I forget to mention the possibility that the sperm came from Anna Nicole's dead oil tycoon husband who happened to be 89 when he married her at 26...YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP!!!

Speaking of blonde trailer trash downward spirals...I have to pause for a moment and say something about Britney Spears - who I fear could be #2 in the newly hatched Anna Nicole death trifecta.

There was a brief moment, when I awaited news that Britney and Justin would reunite. I pictured her people and his people in a darkened basement or the bathroom of a Louisiana IHOP staging a romantic reunion that would rival Liz Taylor and whichever husband she married twice.

Britney had recently shed K-Fed (who seems to have very active, go-get-em sperm for such a slacker image - I mean really, this man has spawned 4 children - frightening!) and it seemed her star was on the rise. A blonde bob. A little black dress. A well timed appearance on David Letterman. She was poised for comeback.

And then came a week of parties with Paris and Lindsay (the Satanic equivalent of the Holy Trinity if ever there was one). Followed by a week of flashing her cootch. Followed by numerous sightings at clubs and bars (ahem - don't you have 2 young children?), pictures of her chain smoking, a fling with a nobody in a hotel room that costs $40,000/night, passing out New Years Eve, a vomit filled car, and my favorite - changing from an ugly, ill-fitting, slutty red dress into a bikini, fishnets and busboy jacket. Yeah - you were sober when you put that on! Not to mention the extremely newsworthy (if it's on Fox News, it must be newsworthy) head shave and 2 less-than-24-hour stints in rehab in one week. Walking disaster. This girl is giving Anna Nicole a run for her money.

Meanwhile, Justin, who has graduated from Mousketeer and fluffy haired boy band protege to genuine, Grammy-nominated rockstar (although truthfully - I don't get it. I heard him sing at the Grammys. I wasn't impressed. Granted my musical tastes aren't fully developed - despite being married to my own rockstar - but that's another story) is hanging with hotties like Jessica Biel (who I get) and Scarlett Johanssen (not so much - although Isaac Mizrahi grabbing her boob at an awards show last season ranks right up there). So I suppose my dreams of a Justin/Britney reunion are as likely as Danielynn Smith-Stern-Birkhead-Von Anhalt having a normal life. Still - doesn't mean a girl can't dream.

The funny thing is, you know who comes out smelling like a rose in all of this? K-Fed. Slacker-leach-homeboy has turned into witty commercial actor and a seemingly good role model for his children (like I said - he has go-get-em sperm - that ought to count for something. And at least we know he wears underwear...)

So not exactly a typical If That Ain't Country post. but these things have been swirling in my head for weeks and I had to put it out there.

Then again, writing about trailer trash like Anna Nicole and Britney Spears, I suppose I am free to say...

If that ain't country, I'll kiss your...

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