My Week In Tweets: November 15 - 21

Just hauled my cookies to Wal-Mart and spent $43 on my cat. My pee everywhere but the damn litter box cat.
8:51 AM Nov 15th from UberTwitter

Of course, maybe if his litter didn't smell rancid he'd use the box. #petmomfail
8:52 AM Nov 15th from UberTwitter

AND I got accosted by church peeps in the parking lot. I think I need to start wearing a large Chai around my neck & Star of David earrings.
8:53 AM Nov 15th from UberTwitter

Can someone please remind me why I thought that signing up for a half marathon was a good idea??
10:03 AM Nov 15th from UberTwitter

9.3 miles (or 15k) in 1:24:39. Was aiming for 10 but my iPod died and I can't run without music. #training
11:52 AM Nov 15th from UberTwitter

Rewarding myself with ice cold Mich Ultra just like after a *real race* #ghettotraining
11:52 AM Nov 15th from UberTwitter

Eagerly awaiting @lilsaej for a little Sunday Nascar action. Meanwhile - DAMN this cold beer is good!
3:59 PM Nov 15th from UberTwitter

Well hello. Pulled my head up from Ubertwitter long enough to see that the #48 is in the lead! #gojimmie
4:01 PM Nov 15th from UberTwitter

@lilsaej threatened to send obscene Tweets from my phone while I went to the ladies room.
5:58 PM Nov 15th from UberTwitter

What she doesn't realize is that she probably can't out-obscene me.
5:58 PM Nov 15th from UberTwitter

She's a sweet southern belle. And I'm....well I'm me.
6:01 PM Nov 15th from UberTwitter

What kind of Asshat stands RIGHT IN FRONT of the weight rack to lift?
5:55 AM Nov 16th from UberTwitter

I mean could you be ANY closer to the mirror? And ANY MORE in the way?
6:00 AM Nov 16th from UberTwitter

Also? Baggy jeans and a fitted muscle tee is not a good look ANYWHERE but especially not here.
6:01 AM Nov 16th from UberTwitter

It's quite possible I am drinking soapy Diet Ginger Ale right now. #dishwashfail
8:50 AM Nov 16th from web

Gym (Sat), 9.3mile run (Sun), gym (today) - its official - I can't walk.
9:59 AM Nov 16th from UberTwitter

Who the hell is Chest Roswell?
6:52 AM Nov 17th from web

Tell me Twitterverse: who builds a conference room and falls to put in an outlet? WHO?
9:22 AM Nov 17th from UberTwitter

Either the bathroom mirror at the office is exceptionally unflattering or my ass Supersized itself overnight? Also - who stole my calves?
11:29 AM Nov 17th from UberTwitter

Seriously - if I worked here everyday, I'd have a complex. Or require medication. Or possibly both.
11:31 AM Nov 17th from web

Random: turning christina aguilera and my ipod off and spontaneously belting out a medley from Really Rosie.
2:42 PM Nov 17th from UberTwitter

There's roadkill and then there's roadSPLATTEREDALLOVERTHEFUCKINGHIGHWAY.
2:57 PM Nov 17th from UberTwitter

Feeling feisty. Like a kitten with a ball of string. Or a teenage boy on prom night.
3:01 PM Nov 17th from UberTwitter

My cat is so desperate for attention. You'd think I hadn't been home in da- Oh wait.....
6:59 PM Nov 17th from web

I think a glass of wine is totally in order after my trainer kicked my ass. One and a halfx squats? WTF??
7:30 PM Nov 17th from web

Does anybody else get a giant hard on looking at dresses on Modcloth?
9:51 PM Nov 17th from web

Dear @ModCloth: trying to buy lovely dress from your site . CAN'T log in. AM PISSED. Get your webshit together. Please. xo Rougie
10:37 PM Nov 17th from web

My new goal: Nothing but Susie Sunshine Smiles on Twitter from here on out. I won't say 1 thing about the asshat drivers on I-40. Nope.
8:34 AM Nov 18th from web

Puppies. Cotton Candy. Rainbows. Fairy Dust. Sunshine and Smiley Faces. Unicorns. Teddy Bears. #seetwittericanbeupbeat
11:47 AM Nov 18th from UberTwitter

Ok - that last Tweet made me mildly sick. But in a happy, upbeat, positive, non-stabby kind of way. Cuz that's the kind of girl I am.
11:54 AM Nov 18th from UberTwitter

You know what else makes me happy? Lots and lots of bacon on my salad. And cheese. Bacon and cheese - YUM!
1:09 PM Nov 18th from UberTwitter

Add free Twizzlers at the office and Peppermint Mochas from SBUX to the "Me Sooooooo Happy Today" list.
1:49 PM Nov 18th from UberTwitter

Is it me or does anyone else worry that they have a booger in their nose, lettuce in their teeth or food on their face during lunch mtgs?
1:51 PM Nov 18th from UberTwitter

Cuz the guy I had lunch with kept dusting his mouth and I was afraid I might have a giant pice of tortilla chip glued to my cheek w/ guac.
1:52 PM Nov 18th from UberTwitter

Did I mention I'm happy AND fat?
2:00 PM Nov 18th from UberTwitter

Have discovered I am well suited for a Western. Why? Cuz apparently I have saddlebags attached to my thighs. Oh wait - is that too Twitchy?
2:04 PM Nov 18th from UberTwitter

A day this long should have involved more than 1 glass of wine.
9:00 PM Nov 18th from UberTwitter

I bit the bullet and made a list. But a very *special* list It's the only list I can handle... #twitHER #bedauchery #drinkyerfaceoff
7:01 AM Nov 19th from web

What kind of hotel only does room service for dinner? WTF and FML b/c OMG - not showered and need coffee.
7:43 AM Nov 19th from UberTwitter

Looking at a business card rec'd from an attorney last week. TELECOPIER?!? WTF? What YEAR is it people? Am I missing something?
8:17 AM Nov 19th from UberTwitter

There is NO way this caramel peanut fusion triple threat Power Bar is remotely healthy. No way.
9:58 AM Nov 19th from UberTwitter

Today I am thankful for the following: double-sided tape, Bumpitz and very good concealer. Also? Diet fill-in-the-blank.
10:58 AM Nov 19th from UberTwitter

Now I know why they give you black napkins when you're wearing black pants. My pants look like they've got dandruff. #lintfail
1:11 PM Nov 19th from UberTwitter

Of course my 2:30 is running late. Cuz - ya know - I'd like to be on the road. Heading home.
2:45 PM Nov 19th from UberTwitter

I will not Twitch about the fact that my 2:30 is turning into a 3. Nope. Won't. Cuz I am not a Twitchy kindy of girl.
2:51 PM Nov 19th from UberTwitter

Where are all you people GOING??? GO HOME!!!! (Oh wait....)
5:17 PM Nov 19th from UberTwitter

Breaking fucking news y'all: men like girl on girl action. *slaps head* WTF?! (Just kidding)
8:07 PM Nov 19th from UberTwitter

Chik-fil-A and Coke Zero - am so easily pleased.
11:46 AM Nov 20th from UberTwitter

Also? @samanthajcampen is teasing me. #twitWHORE
11:47 AM Nov 20th from UberTwitter

Get to stand - IN HEELS - for a full hour presentation. Um - let's file that under: #shoefail.
12:04 PM Nov 20th from UberTwitter

Balding, gold chain, moustache and tinted glasses. HELLO 1974!
1:09 PM Nov 20th from UberTwitter

Christmas music at the mall. Can. Not. Deal.
1:27 PM Nov 20th from UberTwitter

Welcome @RandallCandle to our deranged, twisted, semi-sober world. #ff
2:31 PM Nov 20th from UberTwitter

Pretty new dress arrived from @ModCloth along with tax refund. Squee!!!!!!
3:09 PM Nov 20th from UberTwitter

I've resorted to pimping my @MarshallKarp for business purposes. Is that just wrong??
6:18 PM Nov 20th from web

Cold Chinese food and Coke Zero Cherry for breakfast - because I'm classy yo.
7:46 AM Nov 21st from web

I'm off to buy a Christmas tree. Yes - I am aware of the fact that I am Jewish. No - we can't discuss.
8:35 AM Nov 21st from web

Also - we can't discuss how damn expensive these things are. Maybe I need to stick to my roots, skip the tree and buy a dreidel.
8:35 AM Nov 21st from web

Of course, they don't have dreidels where I live. Hell - I have to order my Hanukah candles online.
8:36 AM Nov 21st from web

Yes I can too celebrate BOTH holidays.
8:36 AM Nov 21st from web

The biggest problem I face is getting out of my new bathrobe. Seriously - I got it yesterday & it's so damn comfy I might never take it off.
8:38 AM Nov 21st from web

Holy crap y'all! Some idiot just hit a dog on the side of the road in front of my house.
8:53 AM Nov 21st from web

Dog went limping off, howling in pain. Asshole who hit him drove off. WTF is wrong with you people?
8:54 AM Nov 21st from web

Sigh. Now I must get out of my robe and look for the poor puppy. I seriously might cry y'all....
8:54 AM Nov 21st from web

Yes Wal-Mart peeps - I didn't brush my teeth OR put on a bra. Just for you.
9:25 AM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

Y'all - the dog limped off into the woods and I couldn't find him. Keeping my eyes peeled though. #peoplearemorons
9:54 AM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

Just discovered mouse turds in one of my suitcases upstairs. Promptly commence freak out. FML.
11:52 AM Nov 21st from from web

Also? I'll be Fedexing my luggage going forward.
11:52 AM Nov 21st from from web

Or I'll have to get drunk before I pack next time & hopefully forget that Mickey is apparently using my luggage as his own personal toilet.
11:54 AM Nov 21st from from web

Currently hanging 400 holiday lights in my living room. Wondering if I should have plugged them in first to test them?
2:13 PM Nov 21st from from web

Because this light hanging business is nothing short of a GIANT PAIN IN MY ASS.
2:13 PM Nov 21st from from web

I'm seriously thinking of defriending like, 10 people on Facebook. Is it is liberating as I think it might be?
4:59 PM Nov 21st from from web

Hah! I suggested defriending peeps on FB...guess who just got defriended? #dontgiveacrap #sooverit
6:04 PM Nov 21st from from web

Wearing my hair up in a French twist for the 1st time since I chopped it last fall. Looks great from the front but it's a hot mess in back.
6:41 PM Nov 21st from from web

Girl sat down sporting rhinestones, copious amts of eyeliner & a teased mullet. Apparently it's 1983 & I didn't get the memo. Or Halloween.
9:33 PM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

Saturday night. Sports bar with Sumo. UFC. #iveofficiallygrownapair
10:02 PM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

But am double fisting Diet Pepsi and vodka/Sugar Free Red bull so in some ways I'm still *all girl*
10:07 PM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

OMG - I know UFC isn't exactly a place for fashion tips but: so want a pink satin robe that says *bad ass* across the derriere....
10:08 PM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

UFC is horrifying, addictive, bloody, expensive, entertaining, disturbing and all kinds of I DON'T KNOW.
10:21 PM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

So this is just the warm up fight. These guys aren't *that good* Holy Hell.
10:24 PM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

WTF Joe Rogan? From News Radio to UFC???
10:35 PM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

Do we think the UFC announcer chose a brown suit, brown shirt and brown tie ON PURPOSE????
10:44 PM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

Random drunk girl in the ladies room asking me for Tums. WTF y'all??
11:27 PM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

So I didn't know that people still wore their hair *like that* *blondefrizzyteasedtowithinaninchofitslife
11:47 PM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

Does the crapload of beer I've had tonight count as carbo-loading for tomorrow's supposed long run?
11:49 PM Nov 21st from UberTwitter

Um.....the 80s called....they need their hair back. WTF?
12:36 AM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

Real men don't drink cosmos #justsayin
12:43 AM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

The Kaiser: Ink don't cover up ugly. Well said my friend. Well said.
1:09 AM Nov 22nd from UberTwitter

Insanity Is Doing the Same Thing Over and Over and Not Involving Jello, Cream of (Blank) Soup And/Or Velveeta

Every year, our local paper holds a recipe contest for their Annual Holiday Cookbook. Every year, I pour through my recipes - my personal-original-I created-them-from-scratch-because-I-am-a-serious-cook recipes - and I submit a few.

There are 4 categories to submit to and you are allowed to submit one recipe per category:

Desserts
Fruits and Vegetables
Main Dishes
Breads

My first year in town, I submitted 2 recipes: Brussels Slaw and Orange-Scented Mini Pumpkin Loaves with Golden Raisins and Cherries. I can't believe I have yet to write about my Brussels Slaw or share the recipe with you but in short this recipe will 1) dramatically change how you feel about Brussels sprouts 2) Convert even the most avowed Brussels sprout detester and 3) CHANGE YOUR LIFE FOREVER. You will seriously wonder: how did I ever survive before Country Girl's Brussels Slaw while you shovel it by the bucketload into your gaping maw. It is literally the most requested dish when friends and loved ones come to dinner. It's also a bitch to make which is why if I make it for you, you know I really love you. (Of course, I love all of YOU dear readers).

Anyways, my Brussels slaw was 1 of 5 finalist recipes in the Fruits and Veggies category. It ultimately lost to Spinach Souffle Madeleine which was a mild sting seeing as that recipe involved evaporated milk and Ritz crackers.

Side note: most vegetables around these parts arrive in casserole form and are essentially frozen and/or canned vegetables mixed together with copious amounts of dairy (cream of blank soup, mayo, Velveeta) and then bound together with bread crumbs or crumbled Ritz/Saltine crackers. Seriously y'all. As a chef and vegetable lover this offends me in ways I can not describe. File in Twitter under #unfoundedlevelsofapoplexy

Other finalists in this category involved Sugar Pea Casserole (involving canned peas, cream of mushroom soup, cheddar cheese, saltines), baked beans, and a squash and cheese pie. Actually - the last 2 I can hardly bitch about since they both appear to be "real recipes."

My pumpkin loaves were submitted as a Bread but somehow wound up in the Dessert category which is weird because the Bread category and Overall Grand Prize winner was a recipe for Cream Cheese Stuffed Apple Bread. Go figure. Also, there was a Layered Pumpkin Loaf as a finalist in the Bread category. Whatevs.

My biggest issue with the desserts was that someone submitted a recipe for Red Velvet Cheesecake which I am pretty sure was ripped from the pages of Food and Wine but then again, maybe not.

So that was Year 1.

Year 2 I submitted 4 recipes, 1 in each category. I was a finalist in ONE.

My Spiced Cranberry Conserve - which is essentially fresh cranberries cooked down with dried fruits and berries and lots of spices and which is OMG so flipping good - didn't even make the finals. You know what did? TWO-CAN CASSEROLE. No - I am not bitter. I am fucking beyond bitter. The category winner: Zesty Hot Holiday Broccoli Dip which is the delectable combination of Miracle Whip LIGHT, frozen broccoli, pimentos, and cheese. SERIOUSLY?

My Chicken Meatballs Stroganoff didn't make the finals either. And I've said it before: I have a knack for meatballs people. Veggie Lasagna using sauce FROM A JAR was the Main Dish category winner. Finalists included Apple Chicken (WTF?) and Eggplant Parmesan that includes (pauses for deep breath) MEAT. Excuse me while I step outside and hurl myself into oncoming traffic.

You know what else wasn't good enough to make the finals? My Apple Caramel Crunch Tart. You know what did make the finals? A Holiday Rum cake involving cake mix, instant pudding and rum. I can't find fault with the winner - Southern Brownie Tiramisu - so I'll shut up for a second.

The only one of my four recipes to even make the finals, were my Blue Corn Ricotta Muffins with Bacon. I lost out to Chocolate Bread with Hazelnut Spread and one of the other finalists was White Chocolate Blueberry Loaf. Seriously - my Pumpkin Loaves from the year before get treated as Dessert but these breads with Chocolate don't?

After last year's careful planning and epic failure, I flew by the seat of my pants this year. I submitted my Rise and Shine bars in the Dessert Category and my Four Seasons Stuffing in the bread category. The bars made it to the Finals, the stuffing didn't.

You know what won this year? The big Grand Prize? Jalapeno Jelly. Yes. This is what I am up against. Also? Somebody actually submitted a recipe for Green Bean Casserole (you know - the one on cans of French's Fried Onions EVERYWHERE) and there's one (although it didn't make the finals) for Doritos Casserole which seems so horrifying I won't even list the ingredients.

My bars lost out to a Golden Yam Cake but their picture did make it into the paper. Mine did not.

Anyways, every year it's the same cycle of excitement, anticipation, disappointment and then apoplexy. I am either throwing in the apron next year. Or busting out the cream of mushroom soup.

What do you think I should do? Dumb it down, stay true to form or just say fuck it and instead, cook YOU, my dear, lovely readers, a true Country Girl dinner.

PS - if you're interested in any recipes just leave me a comment and make sure to include your email. I have them all - I am just to damn lazy to hyperlink them. Oh -except the Brussels Slaw because that will make it into an upcoming round of Feed Me Fridays. If I am ever home long enough to cook a meal (says the girl who just had cold, Chinese leftovers for breakfast). Sigh.

Twitchy Woman

Y'all - seriously? What the Hell did we do before Twitter? Last week, I was stuck in 8 hours of mind-numbing, soul-sucking, spirit-crushing CPE because apparently, while I am not an accountant, I had the pleasure of playing one in my own personal living Hell. Do you know what I did for 8 mind-numbing, soul-sucking, spirit-crushing hours (besides bug The Kaiser incessantly and ask him to keep me entertained as in DANCE MONKEY BOY - DANCE FOR ME NOW!!)? I Twitched. Yes that is so a word. I know because I made it up. Twitch = Bitch + Tweet and it's nothing short of genius. Who the Hell is in charge of making up new words? Webster? Oxford? Whoever it is should totally give me a call.

Anyways, I Twitched a shitload. For the full transcript, check out My Week In Tweets but here's a small smattering:

Just learned where malpractice lawsuits come from. Not nearly as thrilling as where babies come from. Or mold spores.
10:26 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

10:58? It's only 10:58? My watch must be broken.
10:57 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

2 minutes til lunch and we're learning about the Theory of Deepening Insolvency. Hold me people. Hold me.
11:58 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

COOKIES!!!!
2:03 PM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

Crap. Kept thinking I was done in 1 hour and 5 minutes. It's *2* hours and 5 minutes. FML.
2:40 PM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

Thrilling stuff - I know.

Anyways as I kept sending out all of my anger and frustration to the Twitterverse, I seriously wondered what did we do B.T. (Before Twitter)? Who did we complain to? Who did we cry to? Who did we boast to? Where did we direct our questions? Who told us whether to wear our hair up or our hair down? With whom did we share the mundane details of our quotidian existence? Who told us what to download to our iPod? Or what books to read? Where did we self-promote? Where did we discover new things? Where did we get to vent? If we needed to know whether to paint our toes Gossip or Flirt - who did we ask?

For me personally Twitter is like Google with a Zoloft chaser and a giant box glass of wine shared with a close girlfriend. It's actually pretty fucking genius.

Anyways, then I went a step further in my analysis (because OMG I was so fucking bored there was nothing better to do than to analyze my Twitter use) and realized that while Twitter has 1001 uses, I am rarely a happy girl on Twitter. I am usually more inclined to Twitch, bitch, moan or groan than I am to celebrate, praise, or do anything remotely positive. Except pimp my blog. I am always happy to pimp ITAC on Twitter. This was confirmed when I plunked my handle into Analyze Words and I got an actual, legitimate analysis of my Tweets. Here's what Analyze Words has to say about Rougie (based on my most recent 1923 words):

My Emotional Style is primarily Worried (I scored 84 - Very High) and Depressed (I scored 64 - High). I attribute this to the fact that I've had a freak wasp infestation on account of the unseasonably warm weather and so yeah - large, buzzing, stinging insects flitting about my house are making me a wee bit stabby. And who better to share this stabbiness with than my loving followers (and a crapload of porn bots). I was Averagely Angry (I only scored a 58) and when it came to being Upbeat, I was Low with a 27. For the record - last week I was Depressed and Angry as opposed to Depressed and Worried. I didn't have a wasp problem last week and I can't recall what was making me so damn Angry. I guess the Depression is consistent. I'll chalk that one up to the fact that I don't sleep.

The good news is that when it comes to my Social Style, I am highly Personable (71) and not at all Arrogant/Distant (26). I don't know how I feel about being told I am semi Spacy/Valley Girl (like - I totally scored a 48 fer sure). And I was frankly a little shocked to discover that I am not a total failure when it comes to being Plugged In (50).

I don't know what to make of the analysis of my Thinking Style: Analytic (56-Average), Sensory (65-High), and In-the-Moment (51-Average). Any thoughts? (PS Harmzie - sweet little enginerd love of my life - can you graph this perhaps?)

So yeah. According to Twitter I am essentially an unhappy and miserable chalerie. Which couldn't be farther from the truth. Really. Are you people aware of how much I exercise? Are you aware of the endorphins COURSING through my body on a daily basis? To quasi-quote Alicia Silverstone from Clueless: people on endorphin highs HAVE TO BE HAPPY. It's like a law or something. So fine. I haven't had sex in - oh wait. That's a totally different post. (Sigh) Anyways - I am not a depressed shrew. Really. So my goal over the next week is to Susie Sunshine the fuck out of Twitter and come across as an upbeat God Damn Pollyanna. If. It. Kills. Me. :-)

Anyways - just wondering dear readers - how has Twitter changed your life and what did you do B.T.?

For Realz, Yo!

I have tried, on occasion, to explain my "online" friends to people but they sort of look at me like I am mildly insane and Oh Gee Country Girl - are you so lonely/desperate/hard up that you have resorted to making friends on the internetweblogosphere?

Well...when you put it like that...Except wait. This is not 1990. Chat rooms are a distant memory (right - someone please tell me that chat rooms are indeed a distant memory). Social networking is mainstream. And I can point to at least 3 couples in my life who met through online dating services. So yeah - I have strictly Interwebs friends - what of it?

I forget how it all started exactly. I think that Harmzie found Dad through Rude Cactus and then she discovered me via dad on Twitter and started reverse stalking me. She introduced me to Nenette - who is her actual IRL BFF. I don't recall where ModernMatriarch came in but she did - and with a martini-mixing, cookie-baking, sharp-tongued vengeance.

It started out small: a comment on a blog post. The occasional reply on Twitter. Then we went to the next level: drunk Tweeting and freebie lists (and drunk Tweeting about freebie lists). Then we became friends on Facebook. Then emails were exchanged. Real names were divulged. Addresses were shared and baked goods were sent.

I've never met these women in person. I haven't even talked to them on the phone. Nonetheless, I consider them my friends without equivocation.

We've discussed meeting up and getting together before. And it always seems like a good idea but we're rather scattered to the far corners, there are jobs and children to think about, competing busy schedules, where would we possibly meet that's convenient and oh yeah one of us in Canada did not have a passport until recently (not mentioning names cough Harmzie) which meant unless we all wanted to freeze our ta-tas off in Winnipeg, we had to wait for said enginerd to get her paperwork in order. Which she did. Finally.

And then last week ModernMatriarch sent an email asking us if we were going to Blogher 2010 and suggesting that if we weren't, why didn't we consider getting together IRL for realz, yo! Her timing was impeccable because less than 24 hours later we had a city (Chicago), a date (Feb 5 - 7), and we were well on our way to booking a hotel room.

THEN...ModernMatriarch invited her IRL friend and fellow blogger Cass Just Curious to join and then she got really crazy and she invited the whole damn Twitterverse. Well - her Twitterverse which includes nearly 300 followers and then Harmzie ReTweeted to her 261 followers and I ReTweeted to my 40 followers (and 130 Pornbots) and suddenly, to quote ModernMatriarch: It's about to get Broughten. By Us. Chi-Town watch out.

I have no idea where we stand at headcount. I doubt we displace BlogHer but I know we're going to need more than 2 hotel rooms. And overall I think it's pretty fucking amazing and I for one Can. Not. Wait.

And if you don't think that the Internetweblogosphere is a pretty amazing place, I'll totally kiss your...

My Week In Tweets: November 8 - November 14

I am tired and have no patience ergo I should not be at Wal-Mart.
1:00 PM Nov 8th from UberTwitter

But thank you Universe for this choice parking spot.
1:01 PM Nov 8th from UberTwitter

And that's it for the #48....3 laps in....
3:36 PM Nov 8th from web

I don't know what's worse - the #48 being out or the #18 being in the lead and going for the Texas Speedway trifecta?
4:15 PM Nov 8th from web

Flies are one thing but a WASP INFESTATION? IN NOVEMBER? You've got to be kidding me. FML.
4:20 PM Nov 8th from web

Fuck - somewhere there's a partially injured wasp limping around my house. CAN. NOT. DEAL. SERIOUSLY. WASPS?????
4:35 PM Nov 8th from web

For crap's sake - I am pulling my cashmere sweaters out of storage. AND killing wasps?? That's just wrong....
4:36 PM Nov 8th from web

Injured Wasp will now be known as Flushed-Down-The-Toilet-Decapitated-Wasp.
5:03 PM Nov 8th from web

Humphrey Bogart as Sam Spade is a total badass. #maltesefalcon #timemachinefreebies
6:44 PM Nov 8th from UberTwitter

I am tired of waiting for this day to end. Therefore - I am going to bed. #mondaycantcomesoonenough
8:19 PM Nov 8th from web

I am trying to keep a positive attitude. However a giant wasp in my kitchen before 7:30am is not helping.
7:51 AM Nov 9th from web

Heard crying outside the door - thought it was the local stray...opened the door and....
12:28 PM Nov 9th from web

BIRD caught between my real door and the outer door. How? Cause my screen is shredded to shit.
12:28 PM Nov 9th from web

Result? I SCREAMED and slammed the door. No bird in the house but still an avian issue to deal with....FML
12:29 PM Nov 9th from web

Ok - bird managed to fly out of the same hole he flew into but Holy Hell y'all - that freaked me out!
12:31 PM Nov 9th from web

You know what's not attractive at the gym? Ass crack. Actually - that's not attractive anywhere.
5:36 PM Nov 9th from UberTwitter

Insomnia. Might. Be. The. Death. Of. Me.
1:49 AM Nov 10th from UberTwitter

I swear if I don't start sleeping through the night I'm going to collapse into a weepy, useless heap of utter exhasution. #cripplinginsomina
6:12 AM Nov 10th from web

Sleep deprivation has driven me to the unthinkable i.e. caffeinated coffee. You have been warned that I MIGHT BE A LITTLE MANIC later.
7:54 AM Nov 10th from UberTwitter

Also? I might have 87 panic attacks and feel like my heart is going to JUMP OUT OF MY CHEST but #cripplinginsomnia has left me no choice.
7:56 AM Nov 10th from UberTwitter

Possible cures for insomnia: drugs, acupuncture, herbs, a sleep study or hiring someone to repeatedly smash my head w/ a croquet mallet.
8:24 AM Nov 10th from UberTwitter

Heart is racing, talking a mile a minute but eyelids still droopy and may keel over. #wrongeffectsofcaffeine
9:01 AM Nov 10th from UberTwitter

Ack. Presentation at 3:30. Working on opening remarks NOW. Lunch with an attorney in between. #procrastination
10:43 AM Nov 10th from UberTwitter

Lunch at Pietown may have not been a bright idea. Yummy yes - but major fear of public speaking + pizza = not-so-pretty....Crap.
12:02 PM Nov 10th from UberTwitter

Any tips for overcoming my fear of public speaking before 3pm? Other than to picture the audience naked?
12:02 PM Nov 10th from UberTwitter

Oh Ida - you're fucking up an otherwise very good hair day......
2:01 PM Nov 10th from UberTwitter

Hotel bar. Convention time. Choking on the testosterone and Rogaine. #gag #gag
8:54 PM Nov 10th from UberTwitter

8 hours of continuing ed. Cuz I work for an accouting firm. Awesome. #shootmenow #prettyplease #prettyplease
8:10 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

Can't discuss what I have consumed foodwise so far today. And it's NOT EVEN 9am.
8:43 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

I am not an accountant. But apparently I play one in my own personal living Hell.
9:04 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

The irony is - I have an utter crapload of *actual* work to do today. FML.
9:05 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

1 hour down. 7 to go. It's going to be a loooooooooooooooong day.
9:07 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

Just learned where malpractice lawsuits come from. Not nearly as thrilling as where babies come from. Or mold spores.
10:26 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

10:58? It's only 10:58? My watch must be broken.
10:57 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

Just snagged an invite to CPE in charleston on Friday. Cuz I rock. At least I don't have to stay for all 8 hours.
11:17 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

2 minutes til lunch and we're learning about the Theory of Deepening Insolvency. Hold me people. Hold me.
11:58 AM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

Cut lunch short by 15 minutes so we could end early by 15 minutes. Thank God for small favors.
12:40 PM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

RT @ruthakers: I like my hangovers like I like my 1 night stands: Short. Sweet. To the point. And gone by the time I wake up in the morning.
1:39 PM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

Me, @Harmzie and @ModernMatriarch in Chicago? In real life? OMG. OMFG.
1:43 PM Nov 11th from UberTwitter in reply to Harmzie

COOKIES!!!!
2:03 PM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

Crap. Kept thinking I was done in 1 hour and 5 minutes. It's *2* hours and 5 minutes. FML.
2:40 PM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

ACK! Crackberry @ 25% and I have more than an hour left.....
3:17 PM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

1 hour left and then this never ending day ends.
3:45 PM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

Actually - that's a lie. Get to drive home in a rain-soaked rush hour, unpack, repack, and get on the road @ 7am tomorrow. Wheee.
3:50 PM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

The next 30 minutes will surely be the longest 30 minutes of my life.
4:16 PM Nov 11th from UberTwitter

Rainy days just SCREAM Chinese take-out. Really.
7:17 PM Nov 11th from web

I am so brain dead I suspect I will pack 2 pairs of PJs and forget shoes. Or my bra. Or both.
8:08 PM Nov 11th from web

How much fried rice is too much? I mean - those Chinese dinner combo things are meant for 1 - right?
9:12 PM Nov 11th from web

I officially dub I-26 "Interstate Asshats With Small Penises and Big Cars."
10:31 AM Nov 12th from UberTwitter

It feels like a cruel trick of nature that I actually slept last night, and yet I am so tired I might keel over.
4:18 PM Nov 12th from web

Yes hotel peeps - I went wandering down the hall looking *like this* in search of Diet Coke just for you. Cuz I love you like that.
6:16 AM Nov 13th from web

And I just picked up 2 more followers. Was it the smudged eyeliner? The inside out sweater? The Roseanna Danna hair? The torn PJs?
6:21 AM Nov 13th from web

I wonder if people can tell how dirty my hair is or if they'll just think it's *shiny*
9:25 AM Nov 13th from web

Wondering if Diet Coke at a 10am meeting sends the wrong message?
9:59 AM Nov 13th from UberTwitter

Like that I am 20 and in college and not a 30-something Director of______.
10:03 AM Nov 13th from UberTwitter

Note to self: when in a room with "Ss" and "Cs" don't be such a damn "I"
10:40 AM Nov 13th from UberTwitter

Holding out for chikfila the same way Bonnie Tyler was holding out for a hero.
12:13 PM Nov 13th from UberTwitter

On a quest for chikfila in downtown columbia during lunch rush. Am desperate, insane or both.
12:49 PM Nov 13th from UberTwitter

Apparently my cat is *too good* for his litter box. Apparently blue shag carpet circa 1973 is more his style. FML.
3:11 PM Nov 13th from UberTwitter

Apparently dumping half a bottle of carpet cleaner on my cat's new choice of toilet bowl was a dumb idea.
3:34 PM Nov 13th from web

It's like an episode of Three's Company - the entire carpet is foaming up and momentarily the room will be swallowed by suds.
3:35 PM Nov 13th from web

Joy. My entire house now smells like toxic, pet odor killing chemicals. (Dear Cat: I HATE you right now. Xo Mama)
3:56 PM Nov 13th from UberTwitter

Holy Hell I am EPICALLY klutzy tonight. EPICALLY.
6:35 PM Nov 13th from web

RT @ModernMatriarch: Ok, so who lives near/in Chicago? B/c it's about to be BROUGHTEN by me, @harmzie, @rougeneck, & @casscomerford in Feb!!
7:03 PM Nov 13th from UberTwitter

Getting my picture taken for the local paper. Probably would have been a good idea to have washed my hair SINCE MONDAY.
9:21 AM Nov 14th from web

Photog: snaps pic, looks at it, says "good enough." Me: That's *comforting*
9:50 AM Nov 14th from UberTwitter

RT @mrlady: You know what twitter needs? A trending violence unsilenced tag. I spoke out will you? http://violenceunsilenced.com #vu
10:04 AM Nov 14th from UberTwitter

Is it me or are Hummers the most OBNOXIOUS car EVAH?
10:25 AM Nov 14th from UberTwitter

Here's the problem with the elliptical: no matter how fast I go, I still have the same amount of time to finish.
11:07 AM Nov 14th from UberTwitter

Waiting for Sumo. It's awkward being single girl at a sports bar on a Saturday night. Tres, tres awkward.
7:08 PM Nov 14th from UberTwitter

OMFG - man just TOPPLED off his barstool. Not sure if drunk or heart attack or what but scary....he's not moving....
7:39 PM Nov 14th from UberTwitter

Ok - he's moving and up.......phew.....
7:40 PM Nov 14th from UberTwitter

Is it wrong that at 34 I'm still *mildly scared* by the Wicked Witch of the West in the Wizard of Oz?
9:52 PM Nov 14th from web

And by *mildly scared* I mean *changing the channel like NOW!*
9:53 PM Nov 14th from web

My solution to the toxic cat urine smell emanating from upstairs? More apple Cinnamon room spray. #cantfuckingdealwithkittylovecanal
10:18 PM Nov 14th from web

What most people don't realize about Hitchcock's Rope is that it was shot in 1 fucking take YO!
10:20 PM Nov 14th from web

In re-reading this, I don't know whether to be amused or frightened by how my twisted mind works sometimes...