My Week In Tweets: November 1 - November 8

How much caffeine is required to prevent one from actually dying from exhaustion??
6:16 AM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

Dear family: I apologize in advance for my chipped flourescent fuschia manicure and the rat's nest on my head masquerading as hair.
7:14 AM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

Upside of there & back in 1 day? No luggage therefore no need to join the mad stampede onto the plane. The downside? There & back in 1 day.
7:41 AM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

Oh Howard Schultz. Thank you, thank you, thank you for inventing Starbucks. I worship at your shrine right now.
7:53 AM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

Things that tell time but don't automatically reflect the time change are confusing the Hell out of me. I landed 30mins early, not 1hr late.
9:58 AM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

Why is there never a Starbucks when you need one? Aren't they supposed to be *everywhere*?
10:00 AM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

There's a reason why there are no Jewish soap operas. That's cuz every single drama filled moment is our ongoing real life soap opera. Oyvey
12:32 PM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

Are there any Jews who have a sense of direction?
12:50 PM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

I get no alcohol. But no caffeine? Are you people trying to kill me?????
1:42 PM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

Can anyone update me on Talladega? NY bartender just laughed when I politely asked if we could turn the Jets game to the Race.
3:10 PM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

Just my luck. Desperate to get home early. Waiting for standby. On a full flipping flight. Please universe....get me on the 5:05. PLEASE.
4:22 PM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

Flying standby feels so humiliating. It's like - can you smell how desperate I am to make this flight?
4:31 PM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

Does Rumplestiltskin work for UsAir? Cuz I'd totally promise him my first born child to get on this flight.
4:32 PM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

Channelling Dorothy: "There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home." Think it will work?
4:34 PM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

Crap. There's an awful lot of people waiting to board this flight. I don't feel encouraged.
4:43 PM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

THANK YOU! Last one of the 5:05. Now the tears I weep will be tears of joy! #theresnoplacelikehome
4:50 PM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

Longest. Day. Ever. And it's not even 8pm.....
7:16 PM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

Really Phillies? Hitting A-Road AGAIN???
8:27 PM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

13 hours and 31 minutes: Door to airport to NY to airport to Door. I'll venture a guess that's it less than 10 minutes from sofa to bed.
8:34 PM Nov 1st from web

Spreadsheets. Blergh.
3:18 PM Nov 2nd from UberTwitter

Choice a) Entire bottle of Advil Choice b) smash head on desk repeatedly Choice c) move to Mazatlan Choice d) it's 5 oclock somewhere right?
4:02 PM Nov 2nd from UberTwitter

Can you stab a spreadsheet? CAN YOU????????
4:57 PM Nov 2nd from UberTwitter

Hot Tamales and Shiraz might be the best candy/wine combo ever...
7:36 PM Nov 2nd from web

Utley. Crap.
8:17 PM Nov 2nd from UberTwitter

I'll say it: I hate Utley. There. It's out in the open now.
9:09 PM Nov 2nd from UberTwitter

Buh-bye Burnett.........
9:10 PM Nov 2nd from UberTwitter

It's looking like Susan Boyle for the Yankees i.e. not too pretty....
9:34 PM Nov 2nd from web

Apparently I have a randomly new freckle above my right eyebrow that looks like I've been branded with a Bic pen. Sweet.
10:25 PM Nov 2nd from web

Just discovered the J. Crew clearance store in Asheville. In other news - I'll be eating Ramen and tuna fish for the next 2 months.
2:14 PM Nov 3rd from UberTwitter

It's my last night with Sumo and The Kaiser for a week. It plans to be a doozie....
7:18 PM Nov 3rd from UberTwitter

Me: My pants are feeling snug. Sumo: So take them off. Me: *smacks head* Walked into that one.....
7:34 PM Nov 3rd from UberTwitter

Me: Kim Basinger is an overrated actress. The Kaiser: Yeah - but she's got some dandy tickets. Me: *smacks head again*
9:57 PM Nov 3rd from UberTwitter

The Kaiser just tried to teach me how to do a pose down. #runandhide
10:15 PM Nov 3rd from web

Sigh. Really y'all - sigh.
10:15 PM Nov 3rd from web

My gorgeous new shoes hurt like a bey-otch. Think it's a sign I shouldn't have purchased them?
9:55 AM Nov 4th from web

No matter. I will work through the pain because that's the kind of girl I am. And? Because they are GORGEOUS.
9:56 AM Nov 4th from web

I will never stop saying this: STUPIDITY MAKES ME STABBY.
1:47 PM Nov 4th from web

How is that these people have survived? Isn't there a law of natural selection?
1:48 PM Nov 4th from web

Apparently the universe has it in for me today. You know what universe? Suck it.
1:51 PM Nov 4th from web

I'd like to find something positive to say about insurance. I can't.
2:07 PM Nov 4th from web

So my concussion from FOUR MONTHS AGO is still biting me in the ass. STILL.
2:17 PM Nov 4th from web

Being interviewed by a scary claims adjustor. And when I say scary I mean HOLY HELL OMG HOLD ME NOW scary.
3:33 PM Nov 4th from web

My 4yo nephew just called to tell me he's excited to cook Thanksgiving dinner with me. #meltmyheart
7:56 PM Nov 4th from UberTwitter

When discussing the menu though, I swear he asked if there would be sushi. Either sushi or turkey - I'm not sure - I don't speak 4yo.
7:57 PM Nov 4th from UberTwitter

Either way he's the coolest little dude ever!
7:57 PM Nov 4th from UberTwitter

Double play - now that's what I'm talkin about!
8:02 PM Nov 4th from UberTwitter

SUCK IT PHILLIES!!!!!
8:34 PM Nov 4th from UberTwitter

That's right: load the bases with 1 out and A-Rod up. Suck it you son of a motherless goat!!!!!
9:01 PM Nov 4th from UberTwitter

I LOVE the determined look on Matsui's face.
9:05 PM Nov 4th from UberTwitter

Who's your daddy Pedro? Who? Oh - Hideki Matsui......
9:08 PM Nov 4th from UberTwitter

Chase Utley can bite me.
9:33 PM Nov 4th from UberTwitter

Hell yeah DOUBLE PLAY! Suck it Phillies!!!!!
9:42 PM Nov 4th from UberTwitter

SCORE!!!!!!!!!
9:49 PM Nov 4th from UberTwitter

How many times has A-Rod been beaned? Four? And on a full count? #suckitphilliessuckit
9:52 PM Nov 4th from UberTwitter

There's no crying in baseball!
10:14 PM Nov 4th from UberTwitter

So I totally forgot just how much driving in rush hour traffic blows big bags of donkey balls.
7:59 AM Nov 5th from UberTwitter

8 minutes parked on the exit ramp. I see another 8 minutes in my future. FML.
8:04 AM Nov 5th from UberTwitter

And to all of you A-Holes NOT waiting in line and passing on the left and sneaking in last minute? Suck it.
8:06 AM Nov 5th from UberTwitter

What kills me more is that this traffic is going to kill my chances of finding parking.
8:10 AM Nov 5th from UberTwitter

So networking without cocktails is not nearly as much fun as networking with cocktails.
8:56 AM Nov 5th from UberTwitter

I am hell bent on making these new ballet flats *work for me* Not working yet which might explain the look of sheer pain on my face.
11:39 AM Nov 5th from UberTwitter

What kind of asshole walks into a Caribou toting a Venti from Starbucks? Oh - the one who just sat down RIGHT NEXT TO ME.
12:07 PM Nov 5th from UberTwitter

I am so flipping hungry I could eat a cow. Good thing I am having lunch at Ruth's Chris. #callmeacarnivore #lovesbutter
12:28 PM Nov 5th from UberTwitter

The smell of butter and beef has me weak-kneed......
12:49 PM Nov 5th from UberTwitter

Someone in Iran Googled *sxy hors donkey daughter* and found me. I don't quite know how to react to that...
5:27 PM Nov 5th from web

Dear Universe: You can stop kicking me in the nuts now. Thanks.
5:58 PM Nov 5th from UberTwitter

Times like this I wish I had a punching bag b/c I want to POUND THE EVER LOVING SHIT OUT OF SOMETHING.
6:35 PM Nov 5th from UberTwitter

*sedation dentistry* there's a concept I can wrap my arms around and cuddle up to on a cold night.
6:55 PM Nov 5th from UberTwitter

Watching the blonde stripper who had sex w/ Josh Duhamel be interviewed on TV. Can't tell which is the stripper & which is the interviewer.
7:16 PM Nov 5th from UberTwitter

45 minutes on the elliptical and I am a half step closer to sanity. The next half step will definitely involve wine.
7:21 PM Nov 5th from UberTwitter

Rejuvenated furnace + shiraz = 1 calmed down and dare I say *happy* Rougie.
9:09 PM Nov 5th from web

My cat only has claws on 2 of his paws. Those were the ones that *dug in* when he just jumped into my lap. It's too early for this.
8:32 AM Nov 6th from web

I was all set for an "It's a new day" attitude adjustment. And then my cat drew blood befopre 9am. Ok world...I can take a hint...
9:03 AM Nov 6th from web

Because I am having a shitastic day, I figured I'd drive a stake in my heart and call Citibank....
3:33 PM Nov 6th from web

Dear Chase Manhattan: THANK YOU FOR FREEING ME FROM THE EVIL CLUTCHES OF CITIBANK. (I hope) Eternally Yours, Rougie
4:10 PM Nov 6th from web

For the first time since Tuesday I am wearing shoes that don't leave me in excruciating pain.
4:13 PM Nov 6th from web

So I LOVE that I know my local BoA branch manager. And I LOVE how he actually helps me when I need help. It's called customer service!
4:41 PM Nov 6th from UberTwitter

Waiting for my Brooklyn-born shoe guy to perform magic on my newly purchased torture chambers for the feet. Am optimistic.
11:38 AM Nov 7th from UberTwitter

Did I say optimistic? I meant: this man is a genius and there was never any doubt.....
11:43 AM Nov 7th from UberTwitter

Did I mention this is being done while I wait?
11:44 AM Nov 7th from UberTwitter

Bottomless mimosas and wild blueberry cheesecake at brunch. Not a bad way to start the day.
1:56 PM Nov 7th from UberTwitter

Suck it Heels!
6:34 PM Nov 7th from web

William Powell as Nick Charles in the Thin Man Series is way hot. I'd do him. #timemachinefreebies
6:48 PM Nov 7th from UberTwitter

I'd also do Myrna Loy. #timemachinefreebies
6:49 PM Nov 7th from UberTwitter

OMG Alfred Hitchcock - I love you AND Jimmy Stewart AND Grace Kelly AND Rear Window! All of you! I love all of you!
7:22 PM Nov 7th from web

Dear Grace Kelly: Can I be you? Pls? Esp. In Rear Window cuz you're *perfect* Sigh
7:45 PM Nov 7th from web

And that's all the random crap I thought this week. Actually - that's just the random crap I thought and Tweeted. Frighteningly, there's a whole lot of stuff that I don't share...

A Cinderella Story

Apparently the work peeps have it in for me. Seriously. They must. Otherwise:

WHY WOULD IT HAVE TAKEN THEM OVER 18 MONTHS TO TELL ME THAT THERE IS A J. CREW CLEARANCE STORE LESS THAN 10 MINUTES FROM OUR OFFICE? HELLO??? ARE YOU PEOPLE TRYING TO KILL ME???

(Pauses to catch breath and return to a more balanced state. There.)

So yeah. While out in Asheville in September to run my first 5K, my coworker K, she of the glorious flowing cashmere cardigans and also scary compliance queen, mentioned the J. Crew clearance store to me. I promptly fainted. Really? A CLEARANCE STORE? This close? It was more than I could handle.

And then finally finally finally I was back in Asheville this week and K and I snuck out after lunch to check out J. Crew....

So OMG y'all. Like - literally. We pulled into the parking lot. I saw the sign: "J. Crew Clearance Store." My BP shot through the roof, my pulse sky-rocketed, my breathing got short and shallow, and seriously - I was high.

Entering the store was a whole other universe. Piles of cheap cashmere. Racks of pretty dresses. Coats. OMG y'all - THE GOD DAMN FLIPPING COATS. Only - I got a perky purple coat at the J. Crew Outlet store in Blowing Rock in September and I DON'T NEED ANY MORE DAMN COATS. We won't discuss the shoes except....

CINDER-FUCKING-ELLA.

So yeah. In a frenzy of grabbing $50 Chanel-style-cashmere and more-than-half-off lovely silk dresses in hunter green (just perfect for the holidays) AND a much needed black pencil skirt (Sigh. Can you feel the shopper's high - CAN YOU???), I got waylaid by the goddamn shoes. These in particular:



Bite me J. Crew - OK?? BITE ME.

I wasn't going to buy them. I SWEAR I WASN'T....

But then K said how cute they looked and OMG y'all I have some kind of problem and so yeah...long story short, I bought them. This was on Tuesday afternoon.

Tuesday evening I got home and I was so anxious to wear MY DARLING NEW SHOES that I slipped out of my pencil skirt and into my capris and into my new...

TORTURE DEVICES FROM HELL. HOLY HELL THESE PUPPIES HURT LIKE A MOFO.

Sigh y'all. In my shopping induced mania/frenzy - I FORGOT TO ACTUALLY WALK AROUND IN THESE SUCKERS. And you know what? Whatever the fuck I bought doesn't flipping fit AND hurts like God damn hell.

Seriously? See the email I sent to K because it pretty much sums up my own private Hell these last few days:

So today I wore a simple black sheath, triple strand pearls, my new cardigan and my new shoes. The whole outfit looked darling. We'll ignore the fact that my feet hurt like Hell.

I keep praying they will stretch but it may just be the shape of the shoe and where it hits across the top of my foot. I am wondering if a half size up would have helped. Also - I am wondering how I didn't realize in the store THAT THESE SHOES ARE PURE EVIL GORGEOUS TORTURE. Seriously - I just have to stick my foot in the shoe and I am reaching for the painkillers........That said - I'll still wear them every chance I can because that's how I roll.

Note to self: when manically shopping at a clearance store and grabbing shoes in the midst of an endorphin-induced shopper's high, remember to actually TRY THEM ON and oh yeah...walking around the store once or twice might be helpful too.

So yeah. Is there anyone close by who can hit me over the head with a polo mallet????


Me being me I have been determined to makes these bad boys work for me so I have basically worn them non-stop for 2 days in an attempt to get them to better conform to the shape of my foot and/or to stretch them out and/or ANYTHING DEAR LORD.

So yeah. Any takers on the polo mallet??

Testosterone Is Catching

When I was a teenager, I had horrible skin that resulted in years of trips to the dermatologist and countless prescriptions written for every pill, ointment and cream that would possibly help. Before going down what was deemed to be THE FINAL PATH (read: Accutane), my dermatologist sent me off to an overpriced endocrinologist on Park Avenue to run a battery of tests. You know what he determined? That I produced an overabundance of testosterone and this was what was causing the acne. It was also causing some sort of issue with excessive hair loss and I stuck a report in a file folder because apparently one day if I ever want to have children this same medical condition might prove to be a problem although for the life of me I can't recall why.

Anyways, I had basically forgotten about my affliction and all that testosterone coursing through my bloodstream until I typed the following Tweet on Saturday night while watching Game 3 of the World Series:

Me. In a room. With 7 guys. Watching baseball. Shouting at the TV. Drinking beer.
11:37 PM Oct 31st from UberTwitter

See? Right then and there I realized that I had officially grown a pair. Dear me.

Let me backtrack, or rather sidestep, for a moment and say this: I am ALL GIRL. I have countless pairs of shoes, drawers threatening to explode on account of all of the make-up shoved in there, and my underthings are delicate and lacy. I refuse to leave the house without nail polish on my toes, I own a $100 hair dryer and there are people in the universe who have never seen me in pants. So yeah...I don't think anyone is going to question my XX chromosome status.

And yet...

My most common companions these days are Sumo and The Kaiser and recently life seems to revolve around the MLB post-season (Hello World Series Champions The New York Yankees!) but there's also NASCAR, football, Oktoberfest, carnivore-themed dinners, trivia, and college basketball is getting ready to start. And I've discovered that after several weeks of hanging with "The Boys," I've apparently become one. I guess testosterone is catching.

Last week we were out at a sports bar watching Game 1 and I called our female bartender sweetheart. That's right. Me - who used to spell woman with a "y" (as in womyn). Me - who has 7 Indigo Girls albums on her iPod. Me - who knows better. Don't get me wrong, I use affectionate, pet nicknames all the time. I call people Sugar and Darlin' and Honey and Cookie. But that would be PEOPLE I KNOW. I don't think I have ever in my life looked at a female bartender and said: "Sweetheart - I'll take another." Until last week. Who am I?

You know what else? I have become one of those people - you know, the ones who SHOUT OUT LOUD at the TV while in public whenever their team scores and/or their opponent fails. These days I can either be heard saying "Go Jimmie" or "Suck it Phillies." I blame The Kaiser for this. Seriously. Not even 6 weeks ago Sumo and I were out watching Sunday afternoon sports (cuz that's what I do these days) and I commented on the ridiculous idiots shouting every time someone did or didn't score a touchdown. Several Yankee games with The Kaiser later (note: he is vehemently anti-Yankees), I have found myself an obstreperous, clamorous and boisterous spectator who is not afraid to make her opinion known (although God help me during basketball season since I am the only person in the entire region besides Lilsaej and Pixie who roots for Duke).

The Kaiser even attempted to teach me the "Pose Down:"



I think it might be time for me to run and hide y'all.

But do you want to know how I officially knew I had crossed over from XX territory into XY territory? I got invited to go on the annual Boys Beach Trip. Kinda. Sorta.

Sumo's brother The BBQ King was the first to suggest it. We were all out at Hooters (natch), watching baseball and playing trivia when he issued the invitation. Some folks had dropped out last minute and no one had been able to fill the spots. I thought the invite was in jest but when I said something to Sumo the next day, he said he didn't see a problem with it. Seriously. I nearly fainted (how XX of me) because this is basically a 5 day trip that revolves around drinking, golf, more drinking, Viking helmets, more drinking, rare meat, pillaging & plundering, still more drinking AND trips to establishments where girls named Candee and Cheyenne dance "exotically" while wearing not much more than...well, while wearing not much at all.

No worries. I am not actually going (although I seriously considered it for like, a nanosecond). One - there's no way I can swing it with my schedule. Two - while The BBQ King and Sumo seemed unoffended by the idea, The Kaiser gave me a flat out "Over my dead, ancient lifeless body" and I am pretty sure the other boys on the trip would feel the same way. Still - I was disturbingly flattered by the invitation.

The thing is - I can actually trace this phenomenon back to an earlier time. A time before too many nights with Sumo and The Kaiser and a time before a hormone imbalance. You see, as a young girl my father made me listen to Howard Stern, and I am pretty sure that has something to do with the fact that I recently wrote the following Tweet:

"A-Rod's banging something besides Kate Hudson - it's called the fucking ball."

Now excuse me, I've got chest hair to braid and nuts to scratch.

Important Numbers

Credit for this post format goes to the ever-brilliant Rude Cactus. Thanks dude.

* Number of days in which this post actually takes place: 1

* Number of hours "gained" that day: 1

* Number of hours slept before my journey began making said gained hour useless: 3

* Number of caffeinated beverages consumed: 6

* Number of planes boarded: 2

* Number of times I felt like jumping into a vat of Purell: 453

* Number of hours actually spent on the ground in NY: 7

* Number of breakfasts consumed: 3...or 4 if you count a grande skinny vanilla latte from Starbucks as breakfast

* Amount spent at various airports on overpriced concessions: $17.17

* Number of times I kicked myself for forgetting to bring my leftover Halloween candy: 8

* Number of times I was with someone who got lost: 4

* Number of times I got lost in a cemetery: 1

* Number of heroes honored: 1

* Number of times I asked why there were no caffeinated beverages at lunch: at least 10

* Number of Starburst pilfered from my lovely cousin in the hopes that a wee bit of sugar would keep me upright: 1

* Number of references to the fact that I was in heels all day: 2

* Number of awkward conversations: 1

* Number of TVs at the bar at the airport: 2

* Number of those TVs turned to Talladega: 0

* Number of minutes spent anxiously sweating my standby status: 123

* Number of overpriced glasses of wine consumed in an attempt to chill out: 2

* Number of pre-boarding, anxiety-laced, standby Tweets: 5

* Number of post-boarding, I'm headed home Tweets: 1

* Number of wired-on-too-much-Halloween-candy-sugar-and-wouldn't-shut-up children sitting in the row behind me: 3

* Number of times my seat was kicked: 1,782

* Number of times I turned around and politely asked the little girl behind me to FUCKING SIT STILL GODDAMMIT please be more careful: 0 - I figured God had smiled on me by getting me on the 5:05 and I did not want to. Push. My. Luck.

* Total amount of time spent traveling door to airport to NY to airport and back to door: 13 hours, 31 minutes

And most importantly...

* Number of posts I have published on this blog: THIS MAKES 500

And if that ain't knock me over fantastic, I'll kiss your...In fact, I'll kiss it FIVE HUNDRED TIMES!!!

My week in Tweets: October 25 - October 31

Getting ready to head to @moriartytth's & bringing a bunch of experimental baked goods in tow. Is that wrong? The experimental part I mean.
2:45 PM Oct 25th from web

Also last night I have Sumo half of a Twix bar. I think that was just odd & made me feel like a gramma fishing half-eaten candy from my bag.
2:46 PM Oct 25th from web

I am having some sugar issues. Clearly. Maybe because I've sworn the stuff off til Halloween.
2:46 PM Oct 25th from web

Which makes turning my kitchen into some kind of sugar laboratory a very odd choice. I might need to adjust my meds.
2:46 PM Oct 25th from web

Caution!!! Sweet! Bet the #48 takes the lead on the double file restart. #11 can't whine about that!
5:12 PM Oct 25th from UberTwitter

PS this is why I LOVE racing!
5:13 PM Oct 25th from UberTwitter

One more shot at the double file restart....GO #48!!!!
5:20 PM Oct 25th from UberTwitter

Baseball at home with my kitty and a cuppa tea is not quite the same as baseball out with the boys and a beer...
8:35 PM Oct 25th from web

The biggest problem? Every time I cheer for my Yankees my skittish cat goes flying off the couch...
8:57 PM Oct 25th from web

Holy crap! Swisher hit the ball. WITH a runner on base. #imightfaint
9:39 PM Oct 25th from web

Is it just me or is anyone else noticing how much bling the Angels are wearing? Is it a CA thing? #mlb
9:44 PM Oct 25th from web

Whoever put a string of loading docks on a narrow, residential street was just plum stupid. Just sayin......
10:12 AM Oct 26th from UberTwitter

Dear me. I am at the grocery store so often (read: every day) that the manager knows me by site. "Oh - it's you." Sigh.
10:38 AM Oct 26th from UberTwitter

I am about ready to hurl my won't-stop-buzzing-ringing-shaking-drive-me-up-a-wall-Blackberry into my fireplace. Or into oncoming traffic.
1:10 PM Oct 26th from web

Ok...can this Monday suck it any worse?
3:00 PM Oct 26th from web

My afternoon cup of tea would taste 1000 times better with a freshly baked scone, some home made jam, and some double clotted cream.
4:27 PM Oct 26th from web

I've had my gas logs on high all day & my house has been a steady 80 degrees. I think something may be wrong w/ me cuz it feels good.
4:41 PM Oct 26th from web

Is it too early for bed?
7:38 PM Oct 26th from web

And to bed it is...
8:23 PM Oct 26th from web

Going to bed at 8:30 only works if you actually sleep through the night. A 3-hour bout of insomnia has left me feeling yawny.
5:13 AM Oct 27th from UberTwitter

Which makes dragging my ass to the gym at this ungodly hour....well....ungodly.
5:14 AM Oct 27th from UberTwitter

Great. They needed to retake my gym photo. Sure guys - the 5:30am visit where my eyes are still half closed is *perfect*
5:46 AM Oct 27th from UberTwitter

Dark out AFTER 7am is wrong. Just plain wrong. And you can be sure I will *twitch* about this until March.
7:13 AM Oct 27th from UberTwitter

Twitter is broken. #tweetfail
8:16 AM Oct 27th from UberTwitter

Holy crap! Diet Green Tea Ginger Ale might be the best beverage EVAH. (Not including wine of course...)
10:43 AM Oct 27th from web

Do doctors still perform lobotomies? Because I may totally need one. Also - what about electroshock therapy? Is that an option?
12:36 PM Oct 27th from web

This torrential rain is forcing me to skip Wally World and get right to work baking peanut butter cookies...
6:19 PM Oct 27th from web

DOUBLE CRAP! You'd think I'd know by now that Flint Street is the 18th circle of Hell. It's 11:35 - we'll see how long I sit here.
11:36 AM Oct 28th from UberTwitter

I'd say that I am so ready for this day to be over only 1) mini work drama with no short term resolution and 2) Diet Coke is my only solace
5:31 PM Oct 28th from web

Shall we discuss the horror known as Party City the Wednesday before Halloween? SHALL WE???
6:19 PM Oct 28th from UberTwitter

This experience requires a vodka IV and a handful of Xanax.
6:25 PM Oct 28th from UberTwitter

Scratch that. This experiences requires a full frontal lobotomy. Holy Hell it's INSANE in here.
6:28 PM Oct 28th from UberTwitter

And of course I got on the shortest line only it's taking the longest b/c apparently buying a Jason uniform is NOT EASY. #linefail
6:29 PM Oct 28th from UberTwitter

At H00ters w/ The Kaiser, Sumo and Sumo's brother. It's gonna be a long night. Sigh. Esp. b/c The Kaiser and the Brother hate the Yankees.
7:52 PM Oct 28th from UberTwitter

The Kaiser and Sumo (collectively): "Who's that?" Me: Michelle Flipping Obama. *smacks head* Seriously guys?
7:56 PM Oct 28th from UberTwitter

Oh dear. I am officially horrified. Officially. (Note: screaming like Tarzan while out in public is just plain wrong.)
8:53 PM Oct 28th from UberTwitter

Talking about Catholic schoolgirl fantasies really drove up blog traffic.
8:10 AM Oct 29th from web

Can we discuss my excellent parking juju? Can we????? Why yes - we can!!!
9:37 AM Oct 29th from UberTwitter

So yesterday's *easy* session with the trainer has left me sore as hell and hobbling....
1:54 PM Oct 29th from UberTwitter

Networking. Cocktails. Schmooze. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Sigh.
7:13 PM Oct 29th from UberTwitter

Flippy cups. And I can't play. Sigh.
8:42 PM Oct 29th from UberTwitter

It's official. I am *1 of the boys*
10:24 PM Oct 29th from UberTwitter

BAD CALL! #worldseriesumpfail
10:44 PM Oct 29th from UberTwitter

Me: that's crap. Sumo: No - that's horseshit. Either way: ARE YOU BLIND umpire peeps????
10:45 PM Oct 29th from UberTwitter

I have become 1 of *those* people. You know - who shout at the TV during sporting events....
10:52 PM Oct 29th from UberTwitter

Suck it Phillies. SUCK IT!!!
11:19 PM Oct 29th from UberTwitter

Dear Strange Man At Bar I Have Never Met: Please don't grope me or say hi like we are old friends cuz we aren't. Thanks! Xoxo rougie
12:30 AM Oct 30th from UberTwitter

I burnt my English muffin this morning. I wonder if this is a sign of what the rest of my day will be like.
9:04 AM Oct 30th from web

Also - I am running DANGEROUSLY low on Coke Zero Cherry. 2 left. Possible apocalypse if I don't buy more soon.
9:04 AM Oct 30th from web

Dear Gravy Mix - where the Hell are you hiding in this supermarket?
2:18 PM Oct 30th from UberTwitter

Dude - there are, like, 20 other ellipticals NOT being used. Did you really have to hop on the one RIGHT NEXT TO ME??
6:14 PM Oct 30th from UberTwitter

You - yes YOU. Jeans are NOT appropriate workout attire - kay?
6:18 PM Oct 30th from UberTwitter

Other You.....GIANT ass bling is not an appropriate accessory for working out. I don't care if you consider it to be additional weight.
6:31 PM Oct 30th from UberTwitter

So Friday night at the gym is all about the freaks, the geeks, the social misfits, and the fashion-challenged. And me. #fridaynightfail
6:33 PM Oct 30th from UberTwitter

Freak show at the gym+Brussels sprouts+meatballs+Taylor Swift=my rocking Friday night. So sexy...it hurts...
8:34 PM Oct 30th from web

Oh yeah...let's not leave out Twitter (no offense Twitter)....
8:35 PM Oct 30th from web

Oh - and my cat. Because...ya know...a girl's gotta have standards...
8:35 PM Oct 30th from web

According to Hal Higdon, I am supposed to run 10 miles the Saturday before I run a half marathon.
10:47 PM Oct 30th from web

I ran 10 miles last weekend. Does that mean I am qualified to run a half marathon tomorrow? And by qualified I mean *certifiably insane*
10:47 PM Oct 30th from web

PM Showers. Joy. Happy Flipping Halloween.
10:17 AM Oct 31st from web

Of course - I'll be inside at @lilsaej's party so why am I bitching?
10:18 AM Oct 31st from web

Then again the highlight for me is giving out the candy so really I feel sorry for the soggy crumbcrunchers going door to door...
10:19 AM Oct 31st from web

Things I hate @ the gym: women in make-up, VPL, people who flirt & meatheads who try to show off only you can tell they don't have a clue.
12:55 PM Oct 31st from web

Also - now that I've left my hermetically sealed bubble & been outside can we discuss the weather? Hot AND Wet?
12:56 PM Oct 31st from web

That's like the WORST Halloween weather ever.
12:57 PM Oct 31st from web

Uncharacteristic costume panic and so now I find myself at Wal-Mart at 2:20 on Halloween Saturday. FML

Apparently ever ill-behaved, squawking spawn of Satan is currently terrorizing the local Wal-Mart. Fuck me. FML.
2:29 PM Oct 31st from UberTwitter

$35.02 is unacceptable for a Halloween related expenditure. Therefore I plan to wear lime eyeshadow and frosty fuschia lipgloss daily.
2:41 PM Oct 31st from UberTwitter

Also? I shall revive rubber bracelets and women everywhere will covet my bright yellow fake plastic beads. #longlivethe80s
2:42 PM Oct 31st from UberTwitter

Dude - you're driving a Taurus. I think you can take the speed bump at something a little faster than - oh - say 3mph....
2:45 PM Oct 31st from UberTwitter

Quick question: 80s hair - curly or straight? And I don't have the time, tools or inclination to feather, fringe or crimp.
3:06 PM Oct 31st from web

I am supposed to be an 80s prom queen. Yet I have no sash. Or crown. Or prom date.
4:59 PM Oct 31st from web

The spandex and fishnets make me look more like an 80s *lady of the night* who wandered off from the bordello.
5:00 PM Oct 31st from web

Then again the jelly bracelets and the netting in my hair add an air of innocence...
5:00 PM Oct 31st from web

Aw fuck it. If anyone asks I am stuck in a time warp in 1987. What I am doing there is no one's business but mine.
5:00 PM Oct 31st from web

So I am thinking that my costume choice of spandex, lace and fishnets was not wise for handing out candy to small kids. Possibly.
6:50 PM Oct 31st from UberTwitter

So for the record - if you are not going to take the time to put together a real costume, you shouldn't be trick or treating. Period.
7:01 PM Oct 31st from UberTwitter

So apparently drinking beer and handing out candy is Ex-Haus-Ting.
8:13 PM Oct 31st from UberTwitter

You know what else is exhausting? Asking kids to say Trick or Treat. Seriously - if you're old enough to do it, you're old enough to say it.
8:19 PM Oct 31st from UberTwitter

Really Pettite? It's only the bottom of the 2nd. #pitchingfail
10:06 PM Oct 31st from UberTwitter

A-Rod's banging something besides Kate Hudson - it's called the fucking ball. #worldseries
10:36 PM Oct 31st from UberTwitter

Suck it Phillies!!!
10:59 PM Oct 31st from UberTwitter

Holy Hell. Go Nick Swisher. Or whoever the hell has taken over your body.
11:22 PM Oct 31st from UberTwitter

Me. In a room. With 7 guys. Watching baseball. Shouting at the TV. Drinking beer. #guessivegrownapair
11:37 PM Oct 31st from UberTwitter

I have to fly to NY in 7hrs. FML
12:22 AM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

And that's the game! Go Yankees!
12:44 AM Nov 1st from UberTwitter

And if that ain't an epic Week in Tweets, I'll kiss your...